I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[JohnAdams]

Humm... Yes I get that about what I did trumps everything. I guess I just need to be in that place for a while. Should I just deal with what he does? I'm sincerely asking, not being sarcastic. I know it's hard to tell when typing but I'm not sure how to handle that.

 

 

At this point, the ball is in his court and he probably does not realize it or think that to be true. While he holds the cards now as to the future of the marriage, he probably feels you are in control since you did indeed take control of the marriage's destiny. He probably feels weak now, an affair will do that to a man. He may be trying regain the dignity he lost. His world was turned upside down. He will most likely make some very awkward moves as he try's to find himself again. That does not mean you should stand for abuse, but you need to be patient. I know you have read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair". But, perhaps you should read it again and highlight the areas you need to work on. That book has much better advice than you will find on here.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Difficult. I think perhaps I'm better off fielding this question to one of the others, perhaps Mrs Adams as I think she may have a better handle on this.

 

My own .02 worth would be that whenever this sort of situation comes up again I would apologise profusely for hurting and disrespecting him and tell him you will spend the rest of your life making it up to him.

 

But then explain how you feel disrespected by his decision to go off with this sorry excuse for a man. But do explain that it is not his going off on his own, as you understand his need to process this shet storm and that he needs some alone time. It was his decision to hang around with this woman beater after telling you that he wouldn't that upset you.

 

At 2 months out it may be too early for him but do you have any 'no foul' sessions where you can both air grievances in a controlled way and as far as possible promise not to blow up on one another?

 

Also like to add that I would prefer more experienced posters to validate my input as I would hate to advise you incorrectly.

 

I am not a person who says give up....but I am realistic.

 

this marriage has been in trouble from the very beginning. Two people married because of a pregnancy....and were thrown into a marriage neither of them was ready for. That's not a criticism....it happens to a lot of people. I was barely 17 when i married....and i only knew John 8 months.

 

But different people react differently to different situations.

 

It sounds to me like a foundation of love and trust and honor were never established.....the complaints begin in the very early stages of the marriage and have compounded over the past 12 years.

 

If a place of trust and comfort never existed...it will be very difficult to establish a place of trust and comfort after an affair. I am not saying it is impossible....nothing is impossible...but it will be extremely difficult.

 

If the op...was so disillusioned...that she had an affair...with the exhusband of a friend....there are a TON of things to overcome. She knew this person....she knew he was trouble....and she had an affair with him with full knowledge of the kind of person he was.....not only did she know...I am betting her husbands knows it too. I can certainly understand his lashing out...his disrespect....his behavior.

 

Should she tolerate his behavior and his reactions? That's her choice...i guess it depends on how badly she wants the relationship...although i confess ....she hasn't wanted it for a long time...so why she "wants" it now is beyond my comprehension.

 

In my opinion...there is not much to save in this relationship...but i am not there to see the dynamics....

 

I think it might be easier to terminate the marriage and find someone else that she believes is worth the effort....but what i think really does not matter.

I cannot imagine that either of them is capable or willing to put in the kind of work this relationship will need for the rest of their lives. She is in her 40's...young enough to reestablish herself in a meaningful relationship that she treasures...rather than remaining in a relationship that she has resented for 12 years.

 

I think she already knows deep down in her heart the answers to her questions....is he abusive....should she tolerate his behavior...etc

 

She is simply looking for validation....and i understand that. She wants to have a clear conscience that she is giving it a valiant try....so if she walks away she can say she did everything she could. I fear it may be too little too late....but that is her decision. I am not saying reconciliation is impossible for this couple....I am saying the odds are against them. I would like nothing more than for them to beat those odds....but there does come a time when we have to really look at the situation and evaluate it very honestly.

 

I would ask her to take a deep look into herself and ask what she truly wants...and if she truly wants THIS man...just the way he is...then she should work relentlessly toward keeping him. The key here is acceptance...

[Wade Lamare]

I am not a person who says give up....but I am realistic.

 

this marriage has been in trouble from the very beginning. Two people married because of a pregnancy....and were thrown into a marriage neither of them was ready for. That's not a criticism....it happens to a lot of people. I was barely 17 when i married....and i only knew John 8 months.

 

But different people react differently to different situations.

 

It sounds to me like a foundation of love and trust and honor were never established.....the complaints begin in the very early stages of the marriage and have compounded over the past 12 years.

 

If a place of trust and comfort never existed...it will be very difficult to establish a place of trust and comfort after an affair. I am not saying it is impossible....nothing is impossible...but it will be extremely difficult.

 

If the op...was so disillusioned...that she had an affair...with the exhusband of a friend....there are a TON of things to overcome. She knew this person....she knew he was trouble....and she had an affair with him with full knowledge of the kind of person he was.....not only did she know...I am betting her husbands knows it too. I can certainly understand his lashing out...his disrespect....his behavior.

 

Should she tolerate his behavior and his reactions? That's her choice...i guess it depends on how badly she wants the relationship...although i confess ....she hasn't wanted it for a long time...so why she "wants" it now is beyond my comprehension.

 

In my opinion...there is not much to save in this relationship...but i am not there to see the dynamics....

 

I think it might be easier to terminate the marriage and find someone else that she believes is worth the effort....but what i think really does not matter.

I cannot imagine that either of them is capable or willing to put in the kind of work this relationship will need for the rest of their lives. She is in her 40's...young enough to reestablish herself in a meaningful relationship that she treasures...rather than remaining in a relationship that she has resented for 12 years.

 

I think she already knows deep down in her heart the answers to her questions....is he abusive....should she tolerate his behavior...etc

 

She is simply looking for validation....and i understand that. She wants to have a clear conscience that she is giving it a valiant try....so if she walks away she can say she did everything she could. I fear it may be too little too late....but that is her decision. I am not saying reconciliation is impossible for this couple....I am saying the odds are against them. I would like nothing more than for them to beat those odds....but there does come a time when we have to really look at the situation and evaluate it very honestly.

 

I would ask her to take a deep look into herself and ask what she truly wants...and if she truly wants THIS man...just the way he is...then she should work relentlessly toward keeping him. The key here is acceptance...

 

I don't believe the affair was with the abusive ex husband of a friend. It was with a guy at a charity(?) where she was volunteering and the OP (and I) suspects this was his MO.

 

Not that this materially changes the rest of your post, just correcting for clarity.

[understand50]

WS2016,

 

I have stated, that reconciliation is hard work, for both sides. While the WS, you, had much of the work, the BS, your husband, has his share as well. I really think, the man is terrified, of losing you and his family, and is lashing out like a child. This does not let you off the hook for what you have done, but this realization, may help you both, if he could put into words, why he is doing what he is.

 

Mr & Mrs Adams, are right, you also have to decide, if you want to stay and are you all in. He will as well. A successful, or mostly successful reconciliation is not possible any other way. You ether hang on in there, or file and have him served. You may find after you file and start to break the marriage, he may change, or not, but in any case, both you have some decisions to make.

 

One of the hardest things to do, on both sides, is to put aside the fear, anger pain and hurt, and look at what needs to be done, or should be done, coolly coldly and with a clear mind. This may be impossible for him at this time, and you may need to work on getting to this place, if you are to have some peace for yourself and your children. You are only 2 months plus in, this may take much more time. This will not be solved in a short amount of time, and as I have stated, will require the long game. Or you can leave, and it will be over.

 

As always I wish you luck.....

[Mrs. John Adams]

I don't believe the affair was with the abusive ex husband of a friend. It was with a guy at a charity(?) where she was volunteering and the OP (and I) suspects this was his MO.

 

Not that this materially changes the rest of your post, just correcting for clarity.

 

Sorry if i misunderstood...I thought they were one and the same

[Wade Lamare]

Perhaps Ws2016 can clarify but as I understand it her affair was with a guy who volunteered at a local charity or suchlike with her. He fed her the usual line of bull and she fell for it. No excuses, her fault not his she could have shut that nonsense down immediately.

 

Abusive guy is the ex husband of her bestie who is violent towards women, his latest antic was to twist her bestie's arm up behind her back and throwing her out of his bar severely bruising her in the process. He is also a serial adulterer.

He is also spreading lies about the OP, telling her husband that she is also a serial adulterer. While this could of course be true we have no way of knowing that, we have to take Op's thread as the truth unless we get evidence to the contrary and advise accordingly.

 

OP had asked her hubby not to socialise with this guy because of his outright nastiness and he agreed which is why she is upset that he ignored her request.

Edited September 12, 2016 by Wade Lamare

[Mrs. John Adams]

Perhaps Ws2016 can clarify but as I understand it her affair was with a guy who volunteered at a local charity or suchlike with her. He fed her the usual line of bull and she fell for it. No excuses, her fault not his she could have shut that nonsense down immediately.

 

Abusive guy is the ex husband of her bestie who is violent towards women, his latest antic was to twist her bestie's arm up behind her back and throwing her out of his bar severely bruising her in the process. He is also a serial adulterer.

He is also spreading lies about the OP, telling her husband that she is also a serial adulterer. While this could of course be true we have no way of knowing that, we have to take Op's thread as the truth unless we get evidence to the contrary and advise accordingly.

 

OP had asked her hubby not to socialise with this guy because of his outright nastiness and he agreed which is why she is upset that he ignored her request.

 

understood...i thought he was also the volunteer. I stand corrected and apologize....for my misunderstanding.

[Wade Lamare]

Oh gawd, no need to apologise at all I'm sure. I didn't post the correction for that reason. I didn't mean to criticise and hope I didn't seem like I was.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Oh gawd, no need to apologise at all I'm sure. I didn't post the correction for that reason. I didn't mean to criticise and hope I didn't seem like I was.

 

not at all...you did the right thing....the error is mine and it should have been corrected. It isn't my first mistake...it wont be my last...lol

 

I truly am sorry i misunderstood.

 

Now back to WS

[BluesPower]

You hang in there, I think that overall you are thinking straight.

 

As you know, you will have to put up with some strange behavior but don't allow any abuse.

 

On one hand it is OK if he goes out to have a drink or a few if he needs some space but it is really not healthy for it to become constant.

 

You hang in there with all of this, it may not work out but it may and it can be better on the other side if you can make it there.

 

Good luck...

[Ws2016]

Perhaps Ws2016 can clarify but as I understand it her affair was with a guy who volunteered at a local charity or suchlike with her. He fed her the usual line of bull and she fell for it. No excuses, her fault not his she could have shut that nonsense down immediately.

 

Abusive guy is the ex husband of her bestie who is violent towards women, his latest antic was to twist her bestie's arm up behind her back and throwing her out of his bar severely bruising her in the process. He is also a serial adulterer.

He is also spreading lies about the OP, telling her husband that she is also a serial adulterer. While this could of course be true we have no way of knowing that, we have to take Op's thread as the truth unless we get evidence to the contrary and advise accordingly.

 

OP had asked her hubby not to socialise with this guy because of his outright nastiness and he agreed which is why she is upset that he ignored her request.

Yes! You got this 99% correct. Only wrong part is that my besties ex took what my husband told him and made up stories "this wh*re slept with a bunch if guys" this got back to my friend who told me what he was saying. I told my husband he was lying about me to other people (among all the other nasty things he has done) and we agreed he was not good for our relationship or our family and to cut ties.

 

Then he goes there and acted like he wasn't even thinking about it, that he was in so much pain that he just didn't want to be alone. I just let it go.

[Zenstudent]

Mid 40's 2 kids, 12 years married and 8 and 11.

 

Yeah, things are not good. I don't know if it can be saved. He is in angry mood again. He went to my best friends ex husbands bar last night. This person has called me names, he lied to other people and said I was sleeping with other people (he totally lied! It was one person one time)

 

Yes! You got this 99% correct. Only wrong part is that my besties ex took what my husband told him and made up stories "this wh*re slept with a bunch if guys" this got back to my friend who told me what he was saying. I told my husband he was lying about me to other people (among all the other nasty things he has done) and we agreed he was not good for our relationship or our family and to cut ties.

 

Then he goes there and acted like he wasn't even thinking about it, that he was in so much pain that he just didn't want to be alone. I just let it go.

 

I'm confused - which was it?

 

Quote #2 is harsh, especially if it isn't true, but quote #1... "a total lie"?

 

From your posts, reading so far, I get the feeling that you don't quite get the enormous impact your shortlived affair will have on your husband and your marriage, now and in the future? Especially the posts about disrespect and contest made me feel that way.

 

It's just a feeling I get, OP and posters please correct me, if I'm way off and alone in sensing this.

[Ws2016]

I'm confused - which was it?

 

Quote #2 is harsh, especially if it isn't true, but quote #1... "a total lie"?

 

From your posts, reading so far, I get the feeling that you don't quite get the enormous impact your shortlived affair will have on your husband and your marriage, now and in the future? Especially the posts about disrespect and contest made me feel that way.

 

It's just a feeling I get, OP and posters please correct me, if I'm way off and alone in sensing this.

 

 

I meant other people as in multiple people. Yes, that was a lie.

 

I do know what an impact it has on him. He would come on here and tell you that. He tells me everyday that he sees how much I have come to understand what he is going through.

That does not mean he won't do things that I think are unfair and disrespectful throughout this too. We are going to go through all sorts of stuff, good moments, fights, hurting each other, apologizing. I mean, am I completely off base to think everything he does I don't have to be 100% okay with? I Have to admit if this healing process is me just taking everything he throws at me and not being able to tell him when I am feeling hurt as well, I guess I don't understand it. I feel like both of us needs to put in the effort (me way more than him right now) both of us being honest ( he asked me to be completely open and honest about absolutely everything, what happened, the details, how I am feeling ect... So that's what I did. I'm having trouble understanding how my being open and honest takes away from me understanding what he is going through. I do and I am doing everything you could possibly imagine helping him heal.

 

I do want my marriage for one simple reason, I am holding into hope that we can have the marriage we both wanted when we met and fell in love before we screwed it up. I don't know if my monster screw up can survive it but until we both can say "I absolutely know we are done" then I'm not going to stop trying.

[BluesPower]

Try not to get down about things. I realize how hard it is, I have been on your side as well.

 

If it makes you feel better, and it probable won't, I had to hospitalize my wife 3 times in two years after she found about my affair. Talk about guilt.

 

Remember, as long as he is mad at you, your marriage has a chance. You are going to have to take a lot of crap, but just don't let it turn to abuse. There will be some verbal abuse and when that happens, try to just say, "Look darling, I know you are angry but let's cool down for a while before we continue." Something like that and be TOTALLY CALM when you say it. It is hard and it will stay that way for a while. You can do it.

 

If you guys are having sex or when you start, you need to rock his world every time. It will make a difference.

 

Just try to hang. It will get better over time.

 

You need to stay strong...

[Mr Blunt]

Quote of Blunt

You did tell us that the last 8 years of your marriage were pretty damaging but what about the first 4 years? Were you able to set a foundation?

 

 

 

 

By Ws2016

we never got a chance to talk about what our marriage foundation would be.

there was always issues there that never got resolved

there has always been love.

 

 

 

 

By Blunt

I am a little confused as if there was a foundation or not based on the above. Talking about a foundation is not the same as having a foundation or building a foundation and then there were issues that never got resolved. Then your statement of “…there was always love” seems to say that you had some foundation. You do not have to respond if you do not want to.

 

 

 

 

By Ws2016

But I am not ready to give up yet and I don't think he is either. At least if he walks away I can say I did my best but I'm just not ready to let go yet. If he was, I would respect his decision but we are not there yet so I am going to keep trying

 

 

Mr. John Adams has stated in a previous post, “…What I am saying is if you thought marriage was hard before, hold on to your hat.” You said that there was always love so that is a very strong bond that could see you through your enduring suffering as time goes on. In addition, as WSs, John and I were very concerned about our children calling another man daddy and the financial strain also gave us pause in making a permanent separation. I would bet that your husband has these two issues on his mind also. I know that your marriage is in deep trouble but with the information that you have posted so far I do see a possibility that your marriage can be saved. Keep getting all the support that you can so that you can get stronger and help yourself and your husband more. Get to the point that even in yur pain that you show your husband that he is absolutly and solely number one in your life!

 

If both of you are not going to give up, get the right help, and take the right actions for a long time you can save the marriage IMO.

Edited September 12, 2016 by Mr Blunt

[AlwaysGrowing]

Something that you have touched on a few times yourself is resentment. Resentment is a relationship killer.

 

In one post you stated that your husband is now going to therapy, but you resent the fact he couldn't find time before. That you planned outings/vacations for the family but felt resentment because you did the planning.

 

You might want to take a step back from yourself and ask if your resentments are fair. Try to figure out where the resentment is being built from internally. Also, why is there resentment when something positive is being done (therapy, vacations...etc).

 

Do you have gratitude in your life? Does it matter who planned the outing...isn't the bigger picture that the family got to spend time together doing something fun?

 

Often resentment towards others is our own unhappiness with ourselves. Have you thought of going back to work? Time wise, it seems as if when your children started to become more independent of you (school) the less happy you were within your life. Would you like to gain financial independence? Or more say in the finances?

 

From the history you have shared..you have not been happy with the role/s you have had in the marriage. Couples with defined roles in the relationship have less arguments, there is a quid pro quo acceptance between them. Each accepts their role/s understanding that the other party is over there working on that piece of relationship/family machinery. They do not build resentment. They feel greater than the sum of their parts 1+1=3.

 

Letting resentment build is toxic to any relationship. The one building the resentment is the one responsible for it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I meant other people as in multiple people. Yes, that was a lie.

 

I do know what an impact it has on him. He would come on here and tell you that. He tells me everyday that he sees how much I have come to understand what he is going through.

That does not mean he won't do things that I think are unfair and disrespectful throughout this too. We are going to go through all sorts of stuff, good moments, fights, hurting each other, apologizing. I mean, am I completely off base to think everything he does I don't have to be 100% okay with? I Have to admit if this healing process is me just taking everything he throws at me and not being able to tell him when I am feeling hurt as well, I guess I don't understand it. I feel like both of us needs to put in the effort (me way more than him right now) both of us being honest ( he asked me to be completely open and honest about absolutely everything, what happened, the details, how I am feeling ect... So that's what I did. I'm having trouble understanding how my being open and honest takes away from me understanding what he is going through. I do and I am doing everything you could possibly imagine helping him heal.

 

I do want my marriage for one simple reason, I am holding into hope that we can have the marriage we both wanted when we met and fell in love before we screwed it up. I don't know if my monster screw up can survive it but until we both can say "I absolutely know we are done" then I'm not going to stop trying.

 

I am 33 years past my affair...in my opinion....i deserve every harsh word...every look of contempt...every rolling of his eyes...every disappointed expression that crosses his face...that he has every given to me....or might give to me in the future. Triggers (bad memories) happen forever...they grow less frequent...they grow less severe...but they still happen...and every time they happen and he snaps at me or i see the hurt in his eyes..I deserve it. I don't question it...I don't snap back...(and I am so NOT a docile person)...instead of questioning how fair it is...I take him in my arms and tell him how sorry I am...and how I will never hurt him again.

 

Did I feel this way at 2 months? I doubt it....which is why we are all stressing to you the work you have ahead of you...and the enormity of the transgression.

 

This path is long and hard...you have people on this thread who have been reconciling for over 20 and 30 years who are telling you it is a never ending process.

 

No...the hurt never goes away. No...he will never get over it. Yes...he will always have moments he snaps at you because of it. Yes..you will forever have to take it.

 

Now having said that....if he abuses you....verbally or physically...get out.

There is a difference in snapping at someone and attacking them.

 

You reprimand your children when they have done wrong....but you don't get up in their face and scream obscenities at them. You may even raise your voice to them....but you don't grab them by the throat. See the difference?

 

You are disappointed in their actions and you correct them because you want them to do better.

 

Your husband may very well do the same thing to you. When you say something stupid or selfish...he may remind you that that is exactly the kind of thinking that got you where you are today.

[Cephalopod]

Yes! You got this 99% correct. Only wrong part is that my besties ex took what my husband told him and made up stories "this wh*re slept with a bunch if guys" this got back to my friend who told me what he was saying. I told my husband he was lying about me to other people (among all the other nasty things he has done) and we agreed he was not good for our relationship or our family and to cut ties.

 

Then he goes there and acted like he wasn't even thinking about it, that he was in so much pain that he just didn't want to be alone. I just let it go.

 

I wonder if your husband may have fueled this? Your husband may have said something to him the likes of "She only admits to shagging this one bloke, but I wouldn't be surprised if she's been cheating on me all along..."

 

I'm only speculating, but I could bet it might have gone down that way. It doesn't give him leave to shoot his mouth off and repeat these things publicly but, you know, when you cheat sometimes word gets out. If this guy had not said anything, someone else in your circle probably would have.

 

I'm thinking your husband gave him the benefit of the doubt because it was your husband who put that thought in his head.

[Wade Lamare]

I'm confused - which was it?

 

Quote #2 is harsh, especially if it isn't true, but quote #1... "a total lie"?

 

From your posts, reading so far, I get the feeling that you don't quite get the enormous impact your shortlived affair will have on your husband and your marriage, now and in the future? Especially the posts about disrespect and contest made me feel that way.

 

It's just a feeling I get, OP and posters please correct me, if I'm way off and alone in sensing this.

 

Yes, I get that sense too. But isn't that too be expected? When people set out on an affair they don't automatically get handed out an instruction book on how too deal with it and what the repercussions will be.

 

I think it is almost impossible for a person to understand the effect an affair will have on somebody unless they live it themselves. It's rather like trying to explain blue to a blind person. You, "It has a wavelength of about 475nm" Blind man, "Oh, er right thanks, now I understand."

 

All a WS can do really is read books, seek advice on internet forums such as this and attend counselling sessions.

 

In OP's first post her last sentence is "I don't know what to do". So unless this is some elaborate attempt to pull the wool over her husbands eyes, at least she is trying to get help.

[Scarlett94]

Ws I am 18 months post d day. I can tell you that there are some days that I still blow my top and say things I shouldn't. I try very hard to do it out if his ear shot but I'm not always successful. He was the one who was always supposed to be faithful. He was the one that I should always have been able to trust. He said the other day I promise I will always be faithful. I said well you said that when we got married too. I can't explain to you how your entire world is upended by infidelity. We are what I would consider successfully reconciled. But I will never have two things again. One is 100% trust in him. And two is that he did with others what was supposed to be exclusive for me. I will be honest, I have considered having a revenge affair. He is completely transparent, has a tracker in his phone etc. We lost a child and the infidelity started after that. I can and have forgiven him but I will never forget what he did. I will tell you though I have a much better marriage now than I ever did. If it was a 5 before it is a 9 now. I hope this helps because I really am rooting for you. At two months though? God how I hated him lol. Be patient and the best of luck to you

[Jersey born raised]

Have you read this thread on LS http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/582825-my-story-long-painful-updated-2016-08-31-a ? I suggested to her the two of you should post on each others thread. Her husband is staying but appears to be trying to rug sweep.

 

If you realize it creating your thread on this forum is brave. Your thread belongs on the wayward side. I think the mods track that forum more closely to prevent attacks vs helpful but painful posts.

[Jersey born raised]

Also you need to read and post on other threads. It will help to greatly clarify your thoughts and allow you to become more self-aware.

[Ws2016]

You hang in there, I think that overall you are thinking straight.

 

As you know, you will have to put up with some strange behavior but don't allow any abuse.

 

On one hand it is OK if he goes out to have a drink or a few if he needs some space but it is really not healthy for it to become constant.

 

You hang in there with all of this, it may not work out but it may and it can be better on the other side if you can make it there.

 

Good luck...

 

 

It's constant attacks, my anxiety is through the roof. I don't know what is normal. He is just constantly attacking me. I understand his anger. I do but he is doing it again and I am trying to be sensitive but its hard when someone is attacking you. Just now he cane in all pissed off and said "I'm checking your phone" I said fine! He was looking through all mad and I said "what are you looking for?" He said "why?? I said "you just look mad" I also said "feel free to read whatever you would like but Jess (one of my friends going through a MAJOR issues right now) told me something in confidence that I didn't tell you. He flipped out!! okay so right now I should be telling him everything I get it but seriously, I have never been in this position. I am going to make mistakes. I am so nervous 24/7 because I feel like I am going to say the wrong thing and get screamed at or not tell him every minute of my day or I get screamed at. I was frustrated that he was attacking me and he's mad that I am frustrated. He is mad at me 24/7. I don't know if this is a normal reaction??? I have panic attacks daily and no I am not "oh poor me" I am just not sure if this is really the way ALL BS's act and I just really need to just take it. I have no idea what to do anymore. No matter what I say, do or feel he attacks. I don't want to talk or tell him things because I am anxious then I get accused of keeping something from him. I am trying but I honestly don't know what to do.

[MuddyFootprints]

Wrong. You are being defensive and protective. Sorry about your friend and her super confidential texts/emails. He doesn't care about her problems. He cares about what you are telling her about yours.

[ladydesigner]

It's constant attacks, my anxiety is through the roof. I don't know what is normal. He is just constantly attacking me. I understand his anger. I do but he is doing it again and I am trying to be sensitive but its hard when someone is attacking you. Just now he cane in all pissed off and said "I'm checking your phone" I said fine! He was looking through all mad and I said "what are you looking for?" He said "why?? I said "you just look mad" I also said "feel free to read whatever you would like but Jess (one of my friends going through a MAJOR issues right now) told me something in confidence that I didn't tell you. He flipped out!! okay so right now I should be telling him everything I get it but seriously, I have never been in this position. I am going to make mistakes. I am so nervous 24/7 because I feel like I am going to say the wrong thing and get screamed at or not tell him every minute of my day or I get screamed at. I was frustrated that he was attacking me and he's mad that I am frustrated. He is mad at me 24/7. I don't know if this is a normal reaction??? I have panic attacks daily and no I am not "oh poor me" I am just not sure if this is really the way ALL BS's act and I just really need to just take it. I have no idea what to do anymore. No matter what I say, do or feel he attacks. I don't want to talk or tell him things because I am anxious then I get accused of keeping something from him. I am trying but I honestly don't know what to do.

 

That is normal especially if he feels you are hiding something. For some reason my WH's phone became my enemy. If he lied about anything not even A related I would trigger. It's not easy for either person the BS or the WS. Surviving post infidelity has been one of the hardest things I've been through and I have been molested and raped.

 

Does your BS have any past traumas that may be causing him to be reacting to you so emotionally? I found out that my past trauma PTSD only exacerbated and my WH's A triggered it.

 

True anger for me came at 6 months post D-day and went straight for another 6 months. Then would come and go as I triggered.

 

Is your BS on any medication to help him? He may need it.