I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[BluesPower]

Look, first you need to calm down and take a breath.

 

In the morning call your family doc and get on something to help with the anxiety. There are several meds that can help with this. Your husband may need to get on something as well if he will.

 

This is the ANGER STAGE. He has no idea what to do with all the anger that is inside him right now. You have to hang tight. Right now he scares himself with the amount of anger that he has.

 

Try, try, try to be patient. You remember when I told you that you have no idea what he is going through. You are starting to see some of the hurt inside him coming out. It is not permanent but it could last for a while. You have to understand that this is normal. Some times it will come back for a while later.

 

And here is the deal. Your friends issues, not important right now, and they sure as hell are not important to your husband.

 

He is going through a type of emotional turmoil that he did not even know existed much less know how to deal with. It takes time.

 

You both need to get on some type of meds, does not have to be forever, just long enough for you to get over this hump and think a little clearer.

 

Are you guys doing the MC stuff?

 

Stay strong... remember if he is angry he still loves you and your marriage has a chance.

[Ws2016]

Look, first you need to calm down and take a breath.

 

In the morning call your family doc and get on something to help with the anxiety. There are several meds that can help with this. Your husband may need to get on something as well if he will.

 

This is the ANGER STAGE. He has no idea what to do with all the anger that is inside him right now. You have to hang tight. Right now he scares himself with the amount of anger that he has.

 

Try, try, try to be patient. You remember when I told you that you have no idea what he is going through. You are starting to see some of the hurt inside him coming out. It is not permanent but it could last for a while. You have to understand that this is normal. Some times it will come back for a while later.

 

And here is the deal. Your friends issues, not important right now, and they sure as hell are not important to your husband.

 

He is going through a type of emotional turmoil that he did not even know existed much less know how to deal with. It takes time.

 

You both need to get on some type of meds, does not have to be forever, just long enough for you to get over this hump and think a little clearer.

 

Are you guys doing the MC stuff?

 

Stay strong... remember if he is angry he still love

s you and your marriage has a chance.

 

Okay thank you! He doesn't want to do MC right now, he and I are doing IC though. He's not ready yet.

[MuddyFootprints]

I strongly caution against pharmaceutical intervention at this point. It's pretty much trial and error and neither of you seem to be equipped with the communication skills you need to be in control or to benefit from a medicated mindset.

[DKT3]

Okay thank you! He doesn't want to do MC right now, he and I are doing IC though. He's not ready yet.

 

Sorry but MC is a waste of time and money at this point. His Pain won't leave him open to hear much, and its likely he isn't committed to staying married at this point.

 

His anger is very normal, it's an adjustment you will have to make. Gone is that trusting guy that once took your word at face value.

[Mr Blunt]

By Ws2016

Its constant attacks, my anxiety is through the roof. I don't know what is normal. He is just constantly attacking me. I understand his anger. I do but he is doing it again and I am trying to be sensitive but it’s hard when someone is attacking you.

I am trying but I honestly don't know what to do.

 

 

 

By Blunt

Your anxiety going through the roof is affecting your concentration and keeping you from following through with some of the advice that you have been given on this forum. You have said on more than one occasion that you do not know what to do. I have a question for you. What has your IC advised you to do about your anxiety? Have you done what the IC said?

 

Getting some medications has been mentioned for your anxiety; are you on any medications? If no do you plan on getting some immediately?

 

 

 

You have received a lot of good LS advice on how to react to your husbands attacks. That advice is very good, however, I see you as needing help so that you can follow through on that advice. At this point you are self-loathing and full of guilt and are not reacting to your husbands attacks the way this forum has suggested. IOW, you are too weak right now to take the attacks and respond the right way. You being frustrated with his attacks just tells him that you feel that he should not attack you. I agree that he should not attack you but we have to deal with reality. He is probably not going to stop his attacks in the next days or weeks.

 

I think that you will either take some actions so that you can endure his attacks better or respond better or you will take some other action that will harm the possible R. You seem on the edge of breaking.

 

In my past posts I have said the following:

 

 

Quotes by Blunt

You are also much wounded and need to get more strength internally so that you can do the rough things that have been suggested.

 

I want to encourage you again to get the right help and you take the right actions so that you can get stronger because it is going to take a lot of strength to do what these posters have advised you to do.

 

Keep getting all the support that you can so that you can get stronger and help yourself and your husband more

 

 

 

 

Please answer the questions below:

 

 

Do you think that your IC is enough support? Do you have family to help build you up? Do you have friends to help you? Do you believe that spirituality can help you? This LS forum is valuable and can help you but you need more.

 

WHAT IS YOUR PLAN TO BUILD YOURSELF UP?

[Jersey born raised]

In suggested W to read and discuss HCBM situation, not her's. This link would be good for both of you to read http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation. The bottom line is while perhaps the verbage is understandable it needs to stop ASP. It is easy to throw around verbs and pronouns that don't apply at all. For example a common name for prostitute, which I have not seen one thread here by a prostitute.

 

Shut it down. If you do not it will only fuel resentment on your part leading to another adultery.

[redbaron007]

...

What I mean by that is this.....

 

Almost in every case....obviously....the wayward spouse was willing to sacrifice the relationship...for whatever reason. It was the STRENGTH and the LOVE and the PATIENCE of the betrayed in nearly every case....that held the relationship together post affair.

 

It was the betrayed who ultimately has made the greatest sacrifice. They...in spite of being disrespected in the worst way possible....loved and respected their wayward enough...to swallow their pride and remain by the waywards side....HOPING that the wayward would understand the severity of the damage they had caused...and help the betrayed to repair and rebuild the relationship.

 

This is no easy task....

 

I cannot express to you the admiration i have for those betrayed who have the wherewithal and the stamina to remain steadfast. It is almost incomprehensible to me.

 

I remember looking into my beloved husbands eyes...and even though i saw tremendous pain...I also saw love.

 

If your husband...doesn't love you....if he does not have the stamina to persevere in this path of reconciliation...there is nothing you can do...

 

and I will state that the road ahead is a very long one...

 

I would not give up just yet....there is still time...because after all...time is the one thing that remains.

...

I've noticed this on multiple WW threads: Once the affair is exposed, or a WW confesses, and a BH decides to stay (attempting R, or even undecided), almost overnight, WWs start perceiving their BH's as if they are some kind of saints: compassionate, patient, loving, strong, forgiving, steadfast, sacrificing are the virtues extolled....it's as if the BH suddenly has been revealed as a reincarnation of the Almighty...one can practically see the halo around them (Hallelujah!)...whereas during the affair "fog", BH's were practically invisible/insignificant, and the OM's from the dark side were the men of the hour. The pendulum swings to the other end. Both these perceptions are extreme and unrealistic.

 

My point being, there are many reasons, both emotional and practical, leading to some BH's staying, and others BH's leaving. A BH can be forgiving, strong, compassionate, sacrificing, loving, steadfast, and yet leave. And a BH who stays is not necessarily any of the aforementioned.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It's constant attacks, my anxiety is through the roof. I don't know what is normal. He is just constantly attacking me. I understand his anger. I do but he is doing it again and I am trying to be sensitive but its hard when someone is attacking you. Just now he cane in all pissed off and said "I'm checking your phone" I said fine! He was looking through all mad and I said "what are you looking for?" He said "why?? I said "you just look mad" I also said "feel free to read whatever you would like but Jess (one of my friends going through a MAJOR issues right now) told me something in confidence that I didn't tell you. He flipped out!! okay so right now I should be telling him everything I get it but seriously, I have never been in this position. I am going to make mistakes. I am so nervous 24/7 because I feel like I am going to say the wrong thing and get screamed at or not tell him every minute of my day or I get screamed at. I was frustrated that he was attacking me and he's mad that I am frustrated. He is mad at me 24/7. I don't know if this is a normal reaction??? I have panic attacks daily and no I am not "oh poor me" I am just not sure if this is really the way ALL BS's act and I just really need to just take it. I have no idea what to do anymore. No matter what I say, do or feel he attacks. I don't want to talk or tell him things because I am anxious then I get accused of keeping something from him. I am trying but I honestly don't know what to do.

 

Downgrading your husbands actions to...he is angry, he flipped out, screaming, he madly looked at my phone, you look mad.....is a way for you to distance yourself from having accountability for his pain.

 

Your husbands life is in crisis. A crisis created by you. It is easy to call him mad because then you don't have to identify it with yourself.

 

That exchange about the phone could have been handle so much better on your end. Instead of fine...you could have said absolutely or anytime. Instead of calling him mad...you could have apologized for making him feel unsafe in his own home/family.

 

If you are frustrated at the situation just imagine what it is like to him.

 

What you are witnessing is a person who is having a crisis of identity, where they belong, trust, faith, love, the truth, reality....just about every part of who he thought he was and what his life meant. He trusts nothing...not even himself. He has constant doubts about his own perceptions..because if he trusted you then his own perceptions failed him.

 

It takes years to process this much mess. IC will help him. His internal crisis is on full boiling mode, he is emotional exhausted but still he is on full boil internally. 2 months out is early days. Having flippant exchanges with him does nothing to slow the boil...it just adds more heat. What he needs is reassurance that what he is feeling is justified, that a wrong was done to him.

 

Telling yourself that it doesn't matter if you tell him things or not because you will get accused of hiding things is a cop out. You did hide information about your friend. You could have shared it but you didn't. So he was correct in that you share what you feel is necessary, you have an internal loop hole to get out of your agreed to terms of sharing info/truth/trust. This makes a BS feel unsafe, and is an all too familiar scenario that surrounded the infidelity.

 

Yes, you will make mistakes, it takes time to readjust our way of being. Try to keep your focus on what you can do better.

[Ws2016]

Downgrading your husbands actions to...he is angry, he flipped out, screaming, he madly looked at my phone, you look mad.....is a way for you to distance yourself from having accountability for his pain.

 

Your husbands life is in crisis. A crisis created by you. It is easy to call him mad because then you don't have to identify it with yourself.

 

That exchange about the phone could have been handle so much better on your end. Instead of fine...you could have said absolutely or anytime. Instead of calling him mad...you could have apologized for making him feel unsafe in his own home/family.

 

If you are frustrated at the situation just imagine what it is like to him.

 

What you are witnessing is a person who is having a crisis of identity, where they belong, trust, faith, love, the truth, reality....just about every part of who he thought he was and what his life meant. He trusts nothing...not even himself. He has constant doubts about his own perceptions..because if he trusted you then his own perceptions failed him.

 

It takes years to process this much mess. IC will help him. His internal crisis is on full boiling mode, he is emotional exhausted but still he is on full boil internally. 2 months out is early days. Having flippant exchanges with him does nothing to slow the boil...it just adds more heat. What he needs is reassurance that what he is feeling is justified, that a wrong was done to him.

 

Telling yourself that it doesn't matter if you tell him things or not because you will get accused of hiding things is a cop out. You did hide information about your friend. You could have shared it but you didn't. So he was correct in that you share what you feel is necessary, you have an internal loop hole to get out of your agreed to terms of sharing info/truth/trust. This makes a BS feel unsafe, and is an all too familiar scenario that surrounded the infidelity.

 

Yes, you will make mistakes, it takes time to readjust our way of being. Try to keep your focus on what you can do better.

Thank you. That's very helpful.

I do think its hard for the WS to totally get what the BS is going through. I get it to an extent but could never fully understand so this helps a lot.

[road]

You need to set firm boundaries to stop the abuse.

 

 

When your BH is pissed off and asks for the phone.

 

 

You tell your BH that you have nothing to hide so you have no problem with him checking your phone. That you understand his need to verify NC with the OM. That verifying NC and you not hiding anything are important steps in recovery. However your BH has to help you in your recovery so him abusing you has to end. There is a difference between you(BH) being mad at me due to a trigger and just being mad and using that as an excuse to abuse me (WW).

 

 

So if he is not going to ask in a calm manner and discuss what ever he sees there in a calm manner you will not allow him to see your phone. Or talk about the affair.

 

 

Also have you started quality us alone time to have quality romantic dates (no affair talk allowed on dates) to reconnect and repair the damage?

 

 

This is very important step in recovering a marriage.

 

 

Do not wait for your BH to start this part of the process.

[Ws2016]

You need to set firm boundaries to stop the abuse.

 

 

When your BH is pissed off and asks for the phone.

 

 

You tell your BH that you have nothing to hide so you have no problem with him checking your phone. That you understand his need to verify NC with the OM. That verifying NC and you not hiding anything are important steps in recovery. However your BH has to help you in your recovery so him abusing you has to end. There is a difference between you(BH) being mad at me due to a trigger and just being mad and using that as an excuse to abuse me (WW).

 

 

So if he is not going to ask in a calm manner and discuss what ever he sees there in a calm manner you will not allow him to see your phone. Or talk about the affair.

 

 

Also have you started quality us alone time to have quality romantic dates (no affair talk allowed on dates) to reconnect and repair the damage?

 

 

This is very important step in recovering a marriage.

 

 

Do not wait for your BH to start this part of the process.

 

He has no interest at all. He has not laid a finger on me since this has happened. He said he can't imagine touching me ever again.

[DKT3]

He has no interest at all. He has not laid a finger on me since this has happened. He said he can't imagine touching me ever again.

 

This too is common...i felt the same way with my wife. It's all so fresh. As I said you will have to adjust to your new normal, gone is the husband he was before the one who trusted you. I sense that is what your struggling with, the fact that your word means nothing, the fact that at this point he finds nothing about you sexually attractive instead only anger and disgust.

 

It can get better, but as mentioned you will have to handle these situations better. There should be absolutely no resistance to his need to verify, remember it was your actions that created his need.

 

He is searching for a reason to stay, if not he would already be gone, the most you resist, the closer he gets to giving in to that desire to run from it.

[understand50]

WS2016,

 

In many ways you come across as someone who cannot understand why your husband is doing this, and why can we not go back to the "Way we were". From your writing, that was really not good so the "base' is bad. Everything you have described about your husband seems to me normal. What is really showing for me, is that you do not seem to be doing anything positive to change the situation.

 

What ARE YOU GOING TO DO, today, tomorrow, and for the next month to try and change this? You seem to be too passive, in all this. What is your plan? Until you work out what and how you are going to address this, you will be DOOMED to failure. Reading all the books and links is great, but what have you put into practice? I am a real believer in action. It is one thing to talk a good game, it is another to actually do something to try and change the situation.

 

If the situation is getting to bad with him, leave, go to your family, and let him know why. If he is getting too verbally abusive, call him on it, and let him know while you would like to stay married, you cannot and will not live with someone who is pissed off 24/7. Stand up for yourself, but let him know you are here to try and make up for the cheating. Read, and post and try and understand what he is going through, and also what you are going through as well.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation , was a thread that was started to give a BS an idea on what they may need to do for a successful reconciliation. Remember, he does not know how to do this.. You are both are in the dark. We can give you ideas, but both you are unique and these must be applied for your situation. I really think that one of his issues is he is affair of losing you and his family. Have you talk about this, can you in a civil manner? Getting to being civil with each other has to be the first step. It will be a big step if you both can. You both have to unlearn some behaviors.

 

Less talk more action, less reaction, more planing.

 

As always, I wish you luck....

[Wade Lamare]

This too is common...i felt the same way with my wife. It's all so fresh. As I said you will have to adjust to your new normal, gone is the husband he was before the one who trusted you. I sense that is what your struggling with, the fact that your word means nothing, the fact that at this point he finds nothing about you sexually attractive instead only anger and disgust.

 

It can get better, but as mentioned you will have to handle these situations better. There should be absolutely no resistance to his need to verify, remember it was your actions that created his need.

 

He is searching for a reason to stay, if not he would already be gone, the most you resist, the closer he gets to giving in to that desire to run from it.

 

 

Yes! this + 100%.

 

A request Ws2016, and obviously only answer if you're comfortable to. From your posts you give me the impression of being a bit of a bottler upper, it's difficult to know on an internet forum.

 

Could you describe a typical encounter? When he gets in your face and starts screaming at you what does he see? If you just stoically take it he could interpret that as a form of indifference.

 

From 'Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse'

 

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

 

If you need to cry because of the way you hurt him (not because you are upset for yourself) then do so, maybe he needs to see you vulnerable?

[Lois_Griffin]

There are men who can't get past this and it's a complete deal breaker for them. Your husband sounds like one of those men.

 

Then there are the types of men men who will continually allow themselves to be walked on, disrespected, devalued, degraded, lied to and cheated on - and will cry about it every day and whine that they want her back. I don't see your husband as that type.

 

You may need to face the fact that for him, ultimately, there may be no going back.

[road]

He has no interest at all. He has not laid a finger on me since this has happened. He said he can't imagine touching me ever again.

 

Romantic time, quality time does not men sex, kissing, hugging, but spending time together.

 

 

Make Friday evening board game night.

 

 

Saturday recreational activity that evening movie.

 

 

Sunday a day at a park, car ride sight seeing, pack a picnic.

 

 

Wed night dinner out. Bing and or drink after.

[BluesPower]

Road I just have to disagree with where you are going.

 

Yes he husband has to calm down, but right now he cannot, I have been there. She is probably never seen this side of her husband rage.

 

She will have to absorb so of this and learn to deal with some of his anger. Not letting him have her phone for any reason is a deal breaker.

 

WS, just hang tough, it will get better...

[OneLov]

OP,

 

Can I ask you a serious question? Are you truly committed to reconciliation?

 

I used to be a personal trainer and people would tell me all the time about their goals. The sad truth is 95% would not achieve them. Not because they were incapable but because they did not want it bad enough. As I used to say--they weren't "hungry" enough.

 

How hungry are you? Are you willing to fight like hell for this marriage? I mean literally push yourself beyond what you ever felt capable of? No water breaks--let's go. If you put in half-@$$ work you will get half-@$$ results. In reconciliation, a better relationship is earned not given.

 

I believe you are a strong woman and can do this. You have to push yourself to stay strong and keep your eye on the prize. When you want to give up, realize you still have some in the tank. And fight like hell for this. This is the fight of your life--touch gloves and put them up.

 

How bad do you want this?

[harrybrown]

Sorry you and he are going thru this.

 

Sometimes it helps to communicate by writing. But actions mean more than speech and other communications.

 

Write to him about how you honestly feel. Write to him about why the A happened. He will always wonder about it.

 

If you have not written to him all about the timeline of the A, write that out for him.

 

His world got hit by a bomb. His world is shattered. Think for a bit about how you would feel if he had an A, like you did. What would you want him to do for you? Then do that.

 

if you can out the OM for him, do that. Show him that you will protect him over the OM. Somehow find a way to show him that you love him now, because he will never believe that you loved him during your A.

 

Good luck to you and your family.

 

Hope you find a good counselor. I have been reading online many things. Some that have helped come from Affair recovery online. You might try to see if your H would talk to them with you.

[drifter777]

Ws2016 - there is a bit of "why doesn't he just get over it already" in many of your posts. I mean, you're very remorseful and doing everything you can to help him heal and save your marriage but this sonofabitch BH of yours is still acting like it happened last week. After all, its been over 2 months...

 

IMHO this your reconciliation is not going to work. Your husband might be too afraid to leave the world he has built with you. He desperately wants the life he knew back again and have everything be "normal" again. This is never going to happen - things will never be the same again - but his fear may drive him to just compartmentalize all of this and pretend he can forget about it. The old "time heals all wounds" crap. This is the worst outcome possible for BOTH of you.

 

Being unhappily married to someone who literally hates your guts is not a life either of you deserve. Men are often not strong enough to call it quits on their own so it's pretty much up to you to do it. Think of it as a mercy killing and a chance for both of you to finally pursue happiness.

[doyathinkso]

Two months is nothing. He's still in shock.

 

Give him six months just to decide if he wants to work it out or not.

 

Then be prepared to go from two to five years to get back into any semblance of a reconciled relationship. However it will not be 'like it was before'. It will be a new and different relationship than the one you had before. There's no telling right now whether it will be any worse or any better than the one that you stabbed in the heart.

 

Here's hoping.

[Ws2016]

Okay I'm going to try and address everything I've been reading.

As far as physical/emotional time together. He is just not there yet. He is still very much in anger mode and I know he is going to be there for a very long time.

 

I think I do sound back and fourth. Remorseful then complaining.

I've had to think very hard on this and soul search.

I definitely don't feel like "why isn't he over it already" in fact if he was over it I would worry! Especially for him. He does not easily let go of anything, this will be a miracle if he got over it.

 

So back to my soul searching..... I don't feel like he should be over it at all. He has made it clear that he sees no way of getting over this. I think I am and back and fourth because I still have so much resentment about things that happened in our marriage before this. I feel like I was ignored, never complimented, like I didn't matter ect and then I did this and now I am being racked over the coals and now I REALLY don't matter but I'm expected to grovel at his feet. I know!!! It's soooo wrong. But if I'm honest, it's how I feel. So people will ask "then why do you want to repair the marriage?" Half the time I do and half the time I don't. I do because I wish more then anything we can through all this and have a good marriage, because I love him, because we have built a life together and we have kids and we both don't want to lose our family. It's not just that easy of a decision. Then at times I am over it because there is still issues, because I feel like things will never change, because I'm sick of feeling worthless to him.

 

I want to point out that I do feel remorseful for what I did. I really do! It was wrong. I have cried and begged forgiveness, wrote him letters apologizing, wrote him everything that happened, threw away the cloths I wore that night, I ask him everyday how he is doing and every night I ask him if he wants to talk, he has access to everything, I answer every question fully and honestly. I am doing this because I hurt him. He did not for one second deserve this!! It was fully my fault, my actions and I wholeheartdly and sorry. But!! There are still those things lerking, still those resentments, still that anger. I feel like "I'm doing all this for you and for 12 years you did nothing for me when I was feeling alone and worthless" I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I know I can get over this with work, I know I can rebuild and I forgive and forget very easily. But it takes two and he is not sure if he wants to but even if he doesn't, I will continue to keep trying because for some reason I just hope we can get through all of it and rebuild from the bottom. Maybe in delusional. Lol! I am for sure not in my right state of mind. I'm a good person who did a very bad thing because I was in pain. Im learning, trying and working on myself. It's all I can do.

 

I guess if I'm really honest, I don't know if I want it to work out or not either. I told him I could never ever go back to the way it was because that turned me into someone I don't like. It's so confusing. I do love this man. He is s good person with some issues just like me. I can't walk away until I know if these issues can be resolved or not. I think he feels the same. That's why I sound wishy washy. At moments I desperately want us to realize how much we love each other and work on this and build this amazing relationship and other times all I want to do is walk away.

Edited September 13, 2016 by Ws2016

[Mrs. John Adams]

I've noticed this on multiple WW threads: Once the affair is exposed, or a WW confesses, and a BH decides to stay (attempting R, or even undecided), almost overnight, WWs start perceiving their BH's as if they are some kind of saints: compassionate, patient, loving, strong, forgiving, steadfast, sacrificing are the virtues extolled....it's as if the BH suddenly has been revealed as a reincarnation of the Almighty...one can practically see the halo around them (Hallelujah!)...whereas during the affair "fog", BH's were practically invisible/insignificant, and the OM's from the dark side were the men of the hour. The pendulum swings to the other end. Both these perceptions are extreme and unrealistic.

 

My point being, there are many reasons, both emotional and practical, leading to some BH's staying, and others BH's leaving. A BH can be forgiving, strong, compassionate, sacrificing, loving, steadfast, and yet leave. And a BH who stays is not necessarily any of the aforementioned.

 

 

I was going to let this go but decided that it might actually be beneficial to others to comment.

 

First of all....I was married to my husband for 11 years before I cheated...and during those 11 years...I thought the sun rose and set in my husband. Was he perfect? No....but I was happy and adored him. We had an incredible sex life....we had two beautiful children....he worked hard and gave us a good life.

 

My cheating had absolutely nothing to do with my husband...it had everything to do with me. It was my attitude that changed. He had not changed.

 

So clearly...if you have never experienced infidelity...if you have never been a cheater....it might be difficult to understand where i am coming from in my post.

 

I had absolutely no intention of cheating...I was a happily married woman. I wasn't looking for a lover...I had one.

 

I got caught up in the game of flattery and excitement of another man's attention...and I began looking for reasons to be angry with my husband...and guess what....when you look for them...you can find them. I started picking him apart...and blaming him for shortcomings that i never noticed before someone else came into the picture.

 

After my very brief affair... i looked at myself... i looked at what i had done...i looked at my husband for the man he really was and not the monster i had created in my own eyes to give myself permission to enjoy another mans attention.....and I saw the man i had fallen in love with ...the man i desired for those 11 years and had been truly happy with.

 

My husband did not become a saint...the only change in my husband was the broken heart that i had given him. But I also saw all the changes that had taken place in me. I had become a person I did not like...a person I never dreamed was inside of me.

 

I was the problem...not my husband.

 

When he chose to reconcile....He showed me once again the man he was...he stood by me...even at my ugliest moment.

 

It has been 33 years since i betrayed my husband....he is still not perfect...but neither am I. He is no saint and he doesn't wear a halo.

 

It was his choice to give me a second chance....he could just as easily have kicked me to the curb where i belonged.

 

Reconciliation is a forever journey....and not everyone makes that choice...and I absolutely understand that divorce is the best answer for many people...

 

If in my post...I insinuated in some way...that men who choose divorce are less forgiving, strong, compassionate, sacrificing, loving, steadfast,...then I apologize. My post was very personal...it was not about anyone else or anyone else's situation. I revealed how i felt and how i handled my own situation.

[BluesPower]

Look, these feelings that you are having are normal in a lot of ways.

 

I know you don't look at it this way, but with all the resentment you have for him over things he did wrong, you paid him back a 1000 fold when you slept with another man.

 

I know that to an extent that does not seem fair, but it is the gospel truth. There is and was nothing that you could have done that would have hurt him more. And you know what, he may not be able to get over it.

 

When you crossed that line you lost all moral arguments for your feeling. Many here may disagree, but it does not change the facts. No matter what he did or did not do, no matter how much of a SOB he was at times, he did not deserve what you did and he never will.

 

You see, love involves sacrifice almost all the time. I sacrificed most of my adult life for my wife because I loved her with all my heart. She may not have deserved it and I may have been a fool to do it, but I did it because I love her.

 

If you love your husband, you will have to sacrifice your comfort and your feelings for him and his rage. It won't be forever but it will be for a while.

 

And, you know what, right now your feelings don't really matter. I know that sucks but that is what love and sacrifice is all about.

 

Over time, and with luck and counseling, you guys will be able to work on some issues that you have had. They will get addressed, but right now, they just don't matter.

 

You have got to understand this. It is about the sacrifice. Early on you said that you would do ANYTHING to make this up to him and help him.

 

Well, this is "ANYTHING" time and it involves a lot of sacrifice.

 

Good luck dear, and stay strong...

[Zenstudent]

It's constant attacks, my anxiety is through the roof. I don't know what is normal. He is just constantly attacking me. I understand his anger. I do but he is doing it again and I am trying to be sensitive but its hard when someone is attacking you. Just now he cane in all pissed off and said "I'm checking your phone" I said fine! He was looking through all mad and I said "what are you looking for?" He said "why?? I said "you just look mad" I also said "feel free to read whatever you would like but Jess (one of my friends going through a MAJOR issues right now) told me something in confidence that I didn't tell you. He flipped out!! okay so right now I should be telling him everything I get it but seriously, I have never been in this position. I am going to make mistakes. I am so nervous 24/7 because I feel like I am going to say the wrong thing and get screamed at or not tell him every minute of my day or I get screamed at. I was frustrated that he was attacking me and he's mad that I am frustrated. He is mad at me 24/7. I don't know if this is a normal reaction??? I have panic attacks daily and no I am not "oh poor me" I am just not sure if this is really the way ALL BS's act and I just really need to just take it. I have no idea what to do anymore. No matter what I say, do or feel he attacks. I don't want to talk or tell him things because I am anxious then I get accused of keeping something from him. I am trying but I honestly don't know what to do.

 

What you should do?

 

Work to be the best person you could ever imagine. And let go of the outcome.

 

Your marriage may survive - or it may not. Stop pretending that everything will go back to "normal", because it can't, and it won't. Nothing will ever be the same again, and I mean ever.

 

I am 5½ years out myself, and our relationship is definitely not the same. I was very angry as well in the beginning afthe the shock had subsided - I learned a lot about myself, and today I'm a very balanced type. We get along well, co-parent well, do things together (like Road suggest), we fill out our family roles, we have sex. Everything appears to be "normal".

 

But what you don't see, is that I don't get that warm, dizzy feeling looking at my wife anymore. She proved to me that she doesn't value the things we built together, that she doesn't value monogamy, so why should I?

 

I don't trust her to look out for me and my interests, and I'm prepared for any future outcome. I still reserve the right to walk out the door tomorrow.

 

Why she is with me still? I have no idea - kids? Fear of the unknown? Love? And I don't really care.

 

Are you prepared for a scenario like this after his anger phase? Because that IS a possible outcome for you too.

 

So my advise again: work on you, to be stronger - for your own benefit, and no one elses. You win, no matter what happens in the future.