I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[ladydesigner]

If R was on the table I would be perfectly okay with years. I think my point is he is saying he is done but then still wants to punish me. R is pretty much not happening then why is he tracking me and checking my phone? I'm just confused.

 

He is still traumatized and being around the cheater is traumatizing. Just seeing my WH in the early days after Dday1 made me want to scream at him.

 

If he is done why not discuss separation?

 

I have said I was DONE a lot of times. Until the ink is dry the M isn't over.

[Ws2016]

He is still traumatized and being around the cheater is traumatizing. Just seeing my WH in the early days after Dday1 made me want to scream at him.

 

If he is done why not discuss separation?

 

I have said I was DONE a lot of times. Until the ink is dry the M isn't over.

 

 

We have. He has it all worked out. He says he will still give it time but he doesn't see anything changing.

[BluesPower]

WS, that was the point of my post. I know you don't feel that way.

 

You will just have wait and see how he starts to feel. Going away will probably do him a lot of good.

 

If you have any hope, and I mean any, you have to deal with your anxiety, your feelings of unfairness, and resentment that you have for now. It will not be forever, but for a while, until he gets to a better place.

 

This is the sacrifice that is involved when you love someone.

 

You can do this, just hang on...

[ladydesigner]

We have. He has it all worked out. He says he will still give it time but he doesn't see anything changing.

 

All you can do is work on yourself then. There is another great site for WS's, Surviving Infidelity, you should check it out!

[drifter777]

We have. He has it all worked out. He says he will still give it time but he doesn't see anything changing.

He's not going to divorce you. He's going to stay married to you - unhappily - and continue to punish you every time he triggers on your infidelity. He will figure that since he continues to be punished by the mind movies and knowledge of what you did then you are going to suffer to. If you don't like it than get the hell out.

 

So, if you don't like it than get the hell out.

[road]

If R was on the table I would be perfectly okay with years. I think my point is he is saying he is done but then still wants to punish me. R is pretty much not happening then why is he tracking me and checking my phone? I'm just confused.

 

Because he will not commit until he see's that you are NC with the OM. This is why he is tracking you, rather the correct term is verifying NC.

 

 

You have some pair lady. You want to be guaranteed that he will pursue recovery. Guarantees are worthless. He got a guarantee that his wife would not cheat and you see what that got him.

 

 

Again I repeat myself Recovery is a marathon not a sprint. So please let it sink in that you have put yourself on a work project that takes two to five years.

 

 

There are no guarantees going in. So if you have to have a guarantee before you go any farther then you need to go no further then a lawyers office and get a divorce.

[Wade Lamare]

If R was on the table I would be perfectly okay with years. I think my point is he is saying he is done but then still wants to punish me. R is pretty much not happening then why is he tracking me and checking my phone? I'm just confused.

 

And so is he.

 

Somebody up and shot his marriage and then stomped on it while it lay bleeding in the dust.

 

The one person in the whole world who he should be able to turn to to help him resuscitate his marriage, the one person he should be able to trust to have his back is the very same person who killed his marriage.

 

So yeah, I guess he is a bit confused too.

 

Obviously we aren't there to see exactly how angry and nasty he is getting. A certain amount of anger is inevitable.

 

I think a small amount of time apart may be a good idea in this case. You can both lick your wounds and spend some time thinking about things.

 

Hopefully, when he returns he may be better placed to make an initial decision on where he wants to go with this.

[Ws2016]

Because he will not commit until he see's that you are NC with the OM. This is why he is tracking you, rather the correct term is verifying NC.

 

 

You have some pair lady. You want to be guaranteed that he will pursue recovery. Guarantees are worthless. He got a guarantee that his wife would not cheat and you see what that got him.

 

 

Again I repeat myself Recovery is a marathon not a sprint. So please let it sink in that you have put yourself on a work project that takes two to five years.

 

 

There are no guarantees going in. So if you have to have a guarantee before you go any farther then you need to go no further then a lawyers office and get a divorce.

 

I'm not sure I am being clear. I am not expecting ANYTHING! Basically all I am saying is I'm getting mixed messages and I'm confused. No at all expecting any guarentee at all what so ever! I apologize for even remotely coming across like that. Please remember I am only 2 months into this and I have never been through this and I am coming on here being open and honest and looking for feedback. I am certainly not healed myself nor am I going to go through this whole process perfectly. I am honestly trying to do the right thing but digging a deeper hole so I'm going to sign off now.

I am going back to read some of the good advice and going to keep trying

Thank you all.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'm not sure I am being clear. I am not expecting ANYTHING! Basically all I am saying is I'm getting mixed messages and I'm confused. No at all expecting any guarentee at all what so ever! I apologize for even remotely coming across like that. Please remember I am only 2 months into this and I have never been through this and I am coming on here being open and honest and looking for feedback. I am certainly not healed myself nor am I going to go through this whole process perfectly. I am honestly trying to do the right thing but digging a deeper hole so I'm going to sign off now.

I am going back to read some of the good advice and going to keep trying

Thank you all.

 

You say you are not expecting anything but the reality is...you are. You want to know how much longer you can expect bad behavior from him...because in your mind...you think it has been long enough.

 

None of us knows how to handle infidelity when it happens to us. I doubt very many of us research the repercussion of infidelity...or it would not be a choice we would make.

 

No...you are not healed....and if you know you are not healed...you certainly know he cannot possibly be healed.

 

I can tell you are ignoring me so my words fall on deaf ears....but maybe someone else who is reading will benefit.

 

I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find healing...and I hope your family recovers....with or without the marriage remaining in tact.

 

I hope you continue in IC....and school...and continue to figure out why you allowed this to happen and grow from it. I know it feels like everyone is against you...but we aren't. Infidelity destroys lives....and if it doesn't destroy...it forever changes those it touches. If we did not care...we would have ignored this thread.

[MuddyFootprints]

It's not a bad thing to log off when you are feeling overwhelmed with what you are reading. This is an emotional place. You have a lot to digest.

 

Take your time and don't feel obligated to respond.

[road]

I'm not sure I am being clear. I am not expecting ANYTHING! Basically all I am saying is I'm getting mixed messages and I'm confused. No at all expecting any guarentee at all what so ever! I apologize for even remotely coming across like that. Please remember I am only 2 months into this and I have never been through this and I am coming on here being open and honest and looking for feedback. I am certainly not healed myself nor am I going to go through this whole process perfectly. I am honestly trying to do the right thing but digging a deeper hole so I'm going to sign off now.

I am going back to read some of the good advice and going to keep trying

Thank you all.

 

Exactly Ws, you do not know if you are coming or going because you are on new ground.

 

 

You need, want, both, to see BH showing signs of improvement.

 

 

Again I will repeat this. Recovery is a slow process. So slow that you/WW will never see the improvements happen on a daily basis. You will not even see things get better on a month to month process.

 

 

At 2 months out from D day you want to see improvement. That is not going to happen.

 

 

Five years is 60 months.

 

 

You are 2/66ths through recovery.

 

 

Fractions not your bag?

 

 

How does 3.03030303 % through recovery sound?

 

 

What happens is one day you get up and as the day progresses you have a realization that a step forward in recovery has just happened.

 

 

For what it is worth I hope you recover from your affair. Though to have a good marriage after recovery you and your BH will have to work on the marriage as well.

 

 

Affair recovery and handling marriage conflicts are two different problems.

[Midwestmissy]

So true Road. I'm almost 2 yrs in as a bs with a very remorseful spouse and I will tell you that the journey is long. I don't feel healed.

[Mr Blunt]

By Ws2016

Gotcha! Okay yes I am doing things to better myself. I am enrolled in classes and going back to school so I don't feel like I have nothing, I got my own credit card (which sounds weird but my credit was not great because he took care of all the finances and didnt put my name in anything. Yes, this was a huge issue too) I have friends and family that are extremely supportive. I have always had good close friendships and created tight bonds with people. I went back to yoga and I am doing things that make me feel good for the first time since we got married. He is not happy about this (he's mad that I have so much support after what I did and he feels like he doesn't but he has never put in time to form friendships so I am not going to feel guilty for that)

I also volunteer at my kids school.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reply by Blunt

Going back to school, getting a credit card, supportive family and friends, and yoga are all good; congratulations on taking actions. Will those activities help you with your guilt, hatred, and resentments?

 

If you do not address those issues with vigor you have no chance at a successful R or D. Those issues are CRITICAL!

 

I am not trying to rag on you; I want you to address those issues because I WANT YOU TO GET BETTER!!

 

 

You are brave to still be here because having to face the great pains of betrayal takes a brave person.

[understand50]

Ws2016,

 

Hey, take the day off. Go to the park with the kids, or do something nice for yourself. This is all hard work, and I think you could use some time, putting aside your troubles. Came at them fresh tomorrow. Things may look different, better or worse, but at this time you are waiting for him to decide. Remember, and you will need to keep a good mind and body for the long haul, so take a break when you can.

 

I wish you luck....

[Jersey born raised]

If i read you posts correctly until you got this credit card all credit cards where in his name only, or where they joint? Are you on the deed for the home (if you have one)? The cars are they in both your names. How involved are you with the family finances? Bank account, joint?

 

The need to prevent one spouse from any form of individual economic independence is a red flag.

[Ws2016]

Okay needed a breather. Okay, mrsJAdams I'm not ignoring! I swear. I sm just trying to process everything. I am not coming on here trying to complain about my husband. I am talking about MY feelings because I'm the one feeling it and I'm trying to be a better person.

My "complaints" are me trying to figure out how to get past the resentment. Being honest. Not in here acting like I did no wrong but I'm also trying to give the background on how I got to the point I did to decide to make such a distructive choice. If all I do is focus on him and his feelings, I will end up right back making destructive choices (not the same ones but not healthy ones I'm sure!)

My therapist said this goes deep. Back to the way my dad treated me. I have issues to work on! I never want to hurt another human being again the way I hurt him.

 

Blunt, no those things won't help me. I honestly don't know what else to do. It go to therapy. I don't have any hatred though. None. I am still angry but no hatred in my heart.

 

What I sm struggling with is that all that anger and resentment from before the affair is still there. It was no erased and I admit I am struggling with helping him heal because now that it's him that's hurt we need to devote all our time and energy to help him but when I desperately needed help, I did not mean enough to put in the time. I begged, pleated, told him I was having a nervous breakdown, told him I was in pain, I cried, told him I was miserable and I got nothing! Now I am expected to give that to him when I never got it. Maybe I sm selfish, maybe I am a horrible person for feeling this or maybe I am broken and trying to deal with a big ol pile of **** right now. It's hard. I don't like feeling this way but I do.. I think for the first time he gets his much pain I really was in. its awful that the pain caused me to react in such an unhealthy way though and there is no excuse for my decisions. No matter what he did, he didn't deserve this.

[Ws2016]

If i read you posts correctly until you got this credit card all credit cards where in his name only, or where they joint? Are you on the deed for the home (if you have one)? The cars are they in both your names. How involved are you with the family finances? Bank account, joint?

 

The need to prevent one spouse from any form of individual economic independence is a red flag.

 

 

I have nothing.

[DKT3]

I understand what you're saying, but there is a huge difference. Choice. You had the choice in allowing those things to happen. Your husband had no choice.

 

I once said here if our lives where a football game and bad things done were scoring, even with my wife's affair I would be winning the game. Maybe the bad things I did were only worth 3 points and her affair was worth 7, I felt I was ahead 18-14.

 

In time I recognized those issues had to be dealt with, but in the wake of figuring out about her affair I had no energy or drive to address them. Also she felt much like you. None from f her complaints were new to me, I'd heard them for years, didn't understand how dire they were, or how much she hurt because of them.

 

Point is, it's a matter of stopping the bleeding before you can examine the wound. Honestly you don't seem up to it. So right now it's just prolonging the inevitable.

[ladydesigner]

Okay needed a breather. Okay, mrsJAdams I'm not ignoring! I swear. I sm just trying to process everything. I am not coming on here trying to complain about my husband. I am talking about MY feelings because I'm the one feeling it and I'm trying to be a better person.

My "complaints" are me trying to figure out how to get past the resentment. Being honest. Not in here acting like I did no wrong but I'm also trying to give the background on how I got to the point I did to decide to make such a distructive choice. If all I do is focus on him and his feelings, I will end up right back making destructive choices (not the same ones but not healthy ones I'm sure!)

My therapist said this goes deep. Back to the way my dad treated me. I have issues to work on! I never want to hurt another human being again the way I hurt him.

 

Blunt, no those things won't help me. I honestly don't know what else to do. It go to therapy. I don't have any hatred though. None. I am still angry but no hatred in my heart.

 

What I sm struggling with is that all that anger and resentment from before the affair is still there. It was no erased and I admit I am struggling with helping him heal because now that it's him that's hurt we need to devote all our time and energy to help him but when I desperately needed help, I did not mean enough to put in the time. I begged, pleated, told him I was having a nervous breakdown, told him I was in pain, I cried, told him I was miserable and I got nothing! Now I am expected to give that to him when I never got it. Maybe I sm selfish, maybe I am a horrible person for feeling this or maybe I am broken and trying to deal with a big ol pile of **** right now. It's hard. I don't like feeling this way but I do.. I think for the first time he gets his much pain I really was in. its awful that the pain caused me to react in such an unhealthy way though and there is no excuse for my decisions. No matter what he did, he didn't deserve this.

 

WS this is the thing with A's I'm sure both of you were not satisfied with the M, but only one of you chose to solve the problems with an A. Unfortunately after an A the destruction caused by it is so bad that whatever problems existed in the M before the A now pale in comparison. He needs the help now because he has been traumatized by you.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Okay needed a breather. Okay, mrsJAdams I'm not ignoring! I swear. I sm just trying to process everything. I am not coming on here trying to complain about my husband. I am talking about MY feelings because I'm the one feeling it and I'm trying to be a better person.

My "complaints" are me trying to figure out how to get past the resentment. Being honest. Not in here acting like I did no wrong but I'm also trying to give the background on how I got to the point I did to decide to make such a distructive choice. If all I do is focus on him and his feelings, I will end up right back making destructive choices (not the same ones but not healthy ones I'm sure!)

My therapist said this goes deep. Back to the way my dad treated me. I have issues to work on! I never want to hurt another human being again the way I hurt him.

 

Blunt, no those things won't help me. I honestly don't know what else to do. It go to therapy. I don't have any hatred though. None. I am still angry but no hatred in my heart.

 

What I sm struggling with is that all that anger and resentment from before the affair is still there. It was no erased and I admit I am struggling with helping him heal because now that it's him that's hurt we need to devote all our time and energy to help him but when I desperately needed help, I did not mean enough to put in the time. I begged, pleated, told him I was having a nervous breakdown, told him I was in pain, I cried, told him I was miserable and I got nothing! Now I am expected to give that to him when I never got it. Maybe I sm selfish, maybe I am a horrible person for feeling this or maybe I am broken and trying to deal with a big ol pile of **** right now. It's hard. I don't like feeling this way but I do.. I think for the first time he gets his much pain I really was in. its awful that the pain caused me to react in such an unhealthy way though and there is no excuse for my decisions. No matter what he did, he didn't deserve this.

 

 

If you can see that some of your issues go deeper than your marriage/husband....maybe you can acknowledge that you might have had unfair expectations from your husband. Or that you might have reacted/responded more harshly than someone who did not have those internal issues.

 

Finding out where those issues are rooted will help you to heal them.

[Ws2016]

If you can see that some of your issues go deeper than your marriage/husband....maybe you can acknowledge that you might have had unfair expectations from your husband. Or that you might have reacted/responded more harshly than someone who did not have those internal issues.

 

Finding out where those issues are rooted will help you to heal them.

 

I think it has a lot to do with the way I coped with my marriage, yes!

[Jersey born raised]

Issues are issues - Adultery is Adultery while closely related they are two different things. From what I read the biggest mistake MC make are putting the cart (issues) before the horse (adultery). Normally I would advise WS you need to deal with the adultery first but I am not sure in your case it would matter.

 

Your response to my question tells me your husband is a very weak man who at least in matters of money needs to have absolute control. Why ? In his mind the only thing of value he really has is money. Sad, dig deeply enough and you will see he views himself only as an ATM.

 

Your new credit card and finishing school in his mind weakened his worth to you some much it enabled your adultery.

 

You have harmed a weak person (the adultery) and destroyed the faith in the one person who could help him the most. Harm so deep it may have caused a weak person to be broken, hiding by indifference driven to hurt before hurting.

 

Yet the his actions created the environment that caused another weak person to commit adultery. So yes, your issues are real and need to fixed or divorce.

[Jersey born raised]

AllwaysGrowing perhaps her person growth has caused her to question the foundation of her marriage.

[drifter777]

Ws - your anger and resentment toward your husband are drowning out everything else you say. Divorce him already.

 

Oh, and thank your counselor for the guilt-purging rationalization. Yeah, your daddy made you do it.... Right.

[aileD]

YouTube-- Affair Recovery's channel

 

Watch the videos on many topics. They may help you understand BS's war and some thing you may go thru