I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[DKT3]

If you want to keep the door for R whether or not things or on shakey ground than keep giving him what he needs. Open with your phone and emails and answering all questions, as often as asked. Did you write the timeline?

 

If, however you want to slam the door on R than by all means your phone and other things are your business and you don't have to check them. Out of general kindness though I would communicate R is of the table for you and then don't send mixed signals about it.

 

Be in or out. for most people on here and in the real world affairs trump financial secrets. Even though money is bery close behind infidelity in divorce causes. You raised hackles calling it "infidelity" I get the mess your relationship is in and rebuilding won't be easy. But if you choose on your part to do it, you need to put that money matter on the back burner. It may seem unfair but being selfless is what marriages are about.

 

Actually money is by far the leading cause of divorce.

 

I think the issue here is she isn't being open and honest, and doesn't want to be. She was so excited with hope when her husband opened up to her about things but she doesn't seem willing to return the favor. Of course he isn't interested in R he still doesn't know what he is dealing with.

[BluesPower]

I am sorry to here that you guys are at this place now.

 

It is understandable in some ways.

 

Do you feel that his financial stuff is as bad as your affair though? Or is it that it is all too much?

 

I do think you should answer his questions though. As a BS it does matter.

 

Good luck to you...

[HeCantBreakMe]

Are you guys still living together? It sounds like you have no desire to reconcile so why not just cut ties now and one of you move out? if you are keeping it together for the kids and the holidays I can tell you a house with two parents who hate each other is not fun as a child- no reason to drag this out and 'pretend' for them.

 

I would still probably answer the questions unless you feel at all threatened. I remember following your story and your husband was extremely angry. My thoughts are- if he wants to ask the questions then you should answer. If you get tired of answering then file for divorce.

[Cephalopod]

OP do you still love your husband? Do you want to get divorced?

[Ws2016]

Actually money is by far the leading cause of divorce.

 

I think the issue here is she isn't being open and honest, and doesn't want to be. She was so excited with hope when her husband opened up to her about things but she doesn't seem willing to return the favor. Of course he isn't interested in R he still doesn't know what he is dealing with.

 

I've been 100% honest. I even wrote him a time line from the first contact to the last and every gory detail. He never opened up about the money. I found out. I wasn't even looking! The puppy got into some mail and it was a credit card statement. I didn't even know he has that credit card. It spiraled from there.

 

Betrayal is betrayal. Lies are lies. Keeping secrets is keeping secrets. It's all the same.

[Ws2016]

Are you guys still living together? It sounds like you have no desire to reconcile so why not just cut ties now and one of you move out? if you are keeping it together for the kids and the holidays I can tell you a house with two parents who hate each other is not fun as a child- no reason to drag this out and 'pretend' for them.

 

I would still probably answer the questions unless you feel at all threatened. I remember following your story and your husband was extremely angry. My thoughts are- if he wants to ask the questions then you should answer. If you get tired of answering then file for divorce.

 

 

 

Yes. The therapist said to give it at least 6 months and not to do anything until after the holidays. I do not feel threatened at all and we definitely don't hate each other. I think there is just so much that has happened that there is no turning back.

[Ws2016]

OP do you still love your husband? Do you want to get divorced?

 

IN all honesty, and I hope nobody decides to bash me here. Yes, I love him. No I don't feel like I am madly in love with him (who would do what I did if they were) and I believe he feels the same way as me. He didn't have enough respect for me to treat me like an equal with the money, I did not have enough respect for him to be faithful. It is what it is

 

I am not really attracted to him physically anymore but I sm attracted to his personality. He is funny and is an absolutely perfect father! Amazing amazing dad!!

 

Do I want a divorce? I don't want to split up my family, I don't want to loss him completely, but I don't want to be in a miserable marriage. But, it's not all about what I want. I was selfish when I cheated. I don't want to be selfish and be with him if I can't give him what he needs. I feel like I should let him go. H's deserves better than what I can give him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

IN all honesty, and I hope nobody decides to bash me here. Yes, I love him. No I don't feel like I am madly in love with him (who would do what I did if they were) and I believe he feels the same way as me. He didn't have enough respect for me to treat me like an equal with the money, I did not have enough respect for him to be faithful. It is what it is

 

I am not really attracted to him physically anymore but I sm attracted to his personality. He is funny and is an absolutely perfect father! Amazing amazing dad!!

 

Do I want a divorce? I don't want to split up my family, I don't want to loss him completely, but I don't want to be in a miserable marriage. But, it's not all about what I want. I was selfish when I cheated. I don't want to be selfish and be with him if I can't give him what he needs. I feel like I should let him go. H's deserves better than what I can give him.

 

I can tell you that it does get better and in a year you may feel differently. Here is how it is about divorce, for me anyway. It's like being in love. When you know, you know. I gave my bank account, my car, waived his assets, I would have chewed off my right arm to have my ex sign the papers. I was happy. I had no money, I was in a strange city so I had no friends, I spent entire weekends alone - but I was free and there is nothing like freedom until you lose it. When you get it back, you could have a wooden leg, you'd be happy.

 

I did not feel like that with my husband now. I felt like you do. Like too much had happened, it was too much, too hard, I wasn't in love, easier to just run. I didn't and I am telling you, I am happy I stayed.

 

That all said - the gambling is a serious thing. Is he in a program? Its a serious disease and wrecks lives. What does his sponsor say about all this? I know all about alcoholics and generally marriages are tough to survive because people can change and quit addictions but they must change their entire lives, including the person they were with while they were addicted. Once people quit their addiction, they often go through an entire personality change and sometimes become a different person. It is the only way they can survive.

[Ws2016]

I can tell you that it does get better and in a year you may feel differently. Here is how it is about divorce, for me anyway. It's like being in love. When you know, you know. I gave my bank account, my car, waived his assets, I would have chewed off my right arm to have my ex sign the papers. I was happy. I had no money, I was in a strange city so I had no friends, I spent entire weekends alone - but I was free and there is nothing like freedom until you lose it. When you get it back, you could have a wooden leg, you'd be happy.

 

I did not feel like that with my husband now. I felt like you do. Like too much had happened, it was too much, too hard, I wasn't in love, easier to just run. I didn't and I am telling you, I am happy I stayed.

 

That all said - the gambling is a serious thing. Is he in a program? Its a serious disease and wrecks lives. What does his sponsor say about all this? I know all about alcoholics and generally marriages are tough to survive because people can change and quit addictions but they must change their entire lives, including the person they were with while they were addicted. Once people quit their addiction, they often go through an entire personality change and sometimes become a different person. It is the only way they can survive.

 

Thank you. You gave me a lot to think about. As far as gambling. It's online gaming which my therapist categorized as gambling but I'm not sure its as serious as gambling?? I don't really know what it is except hat he has spent a crap load of money on it. He has done nothing about it, he has not talked about it. It's been completely swept under the rug. I have no idea if he is still doing it. He doesn't tell me.

 

The not being attracted to him physically really gets to me. I haven't has any desire to be with him but I sure didn't have a problem in the intimacy dept when I had an attraction for the OM. It makes me feel horrible and I hate what I did. For a long time I thought I just didn't like sex ( we hardly had any snd he didn't seem interested either) but that is not the case. I just didn't feel a connection with him. It makes me so sad. So so sad. I don't know how you ever get that back. It's been about 3 1/2 mkmths since D day and we have hardly touched. We went through a week or do where we did but that fizzled out fast.

It's very hard to feel completely undesired for years and years. When someone desired me, I ran with it.

If things were that bad before, how could they possibly get better after an affair!

My husband in 12 years has never, not one time told me I am beautiful, sexy, he wants me. Nothing zip zero. I get hit on by other men a lot. After 12 years, I finally gave in. It was wrong, I hate what I did. But, I am scared our marriage will be right back where it was and I will make the same mistake. I am petrified of that! I just don't know if this can ever get to a good place. After what I did and what he did on top of all this? I can't imagine how we could ever be good.

[DKT3]

I've been 100% honest. I even wrote him a time line from the first contact to the last and every gory detail. He never opened up about the money. I found out. I wasn't even looking! The puppy got into some mail and it was a credit card statement. I didn't even know he has that credit card. It spiraled from there.

 

Betrayal is betrayal. Lies are lies. Keeping secrets is keeping secrets. It's all the same.

 

Kind of but not really.

 

Before you spoke about a conversation with him where everything came out,

[DKT3]

Thank you. You gave me a lot to think about. As far as gambling. It's online gaming which my therapist categorized as gambling but I'm not sure its as serious as gambling?? I don't really know what it is except hat he has spent a crap load of money on it. He has done nothing about it, he has not talked about it. It's been completely swept under the rug. I have no idea if he is still doing it. He doesn't tell me.

 

The not being attracted to him physically really gets to me. I haven't has any desire to be with him but I sure didn't have a problem in the intimacy dept when I had an attraction for the OM. It makes me feel horrible and I hate what I did. For a long time I thought I just didn't like sex ( we hardly had any snd he didn't seem interested either) but that is not the case. I just didn't feel a connection with him. It makes me so sad. So so sad. I don't know how you ever get that back. It's been about 3 1/2 mkmths since D day and we have hardly touched. We went through a week or do where we did but that fizzled out fast.

It's very hard to feel completely undesired for years and years. When someone desired me, I ran with it.

If things were that bad before, how could they possibly get better after an affair!

My husband in 12 years has never, not one time told me I am beautiful, sexy, he wants me. Nothing zip zero. I get hit on by other men a lot. After 12 years, I finally gave in. It was wrong, I hate what I did. But, I am scared our marriage will be right back where it was and I will make the same mistake. I am petrified of that! I just don't know if this can ever get to a good place. After what I did and what he did on top of all this? I can't imagine how we could ever be good.

This is an odd post since its completely different than the account from before.

 

Listen, I don't know you and I'm having a hard time believing what your saying, your husband knows you well so I'm guessing he absolutely doesn't believe what your saying.

 

But honestly if this account is really true and not an attempt to justify and rationalize your behavior, then I see nothing to save anyways.

[Ws2016]

This is an odd post since its completely different than the account from before.

 

Listen, I don't know you and I'm having a hard time believing what your saying, your husband knows you well so I'm guessing he absolutely doesn't believe what your saying.

 

But honestly if this account is really true and not an attempt to justify and rationalize your behavior, then I see nothing to save anyways.

 

Not sure what I said that was completely different but I am in a different place then I was when I was on here before so my perspective has changed a bit and weekly sessions of therapy have opened my eyes to new things.

I don't know why anyone would come here and tell fake stories but I don't think my thoughts have changed. Bad marriage, felt neglected, tried to remedy my low self esteem with an affair, realized (after of course) it was the wrong thing to do. It's always been the same story. I just got into more details in this post.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you. You gave me a lot to think about. As far as gambling. It's online gaming which my therapist categorized as gambling but I'm not sure its as serious as gambling?? I don't really know what it is except hat he has spent a crap load of money on it. He has done nothing about it, he has not talked about it. It's been completely swept under the rug. I have no idea if he is still doing it. He doesn't tell me.

 

The not being attracted to him physically really gets to me. I haven't has any desire to be with him but I sure didn't have a problem in the intimacy dept when I had an attraction for the OM. It makes me feel horrible and I hate what I did. For a long time I thought I just didn't like sex ( we hardly had any snd he didn't seem interested either) but that is not the case. I just didn't feel a connection with him. It makes me so sad. So so sad. I don't know how you ever get that back. It's been about 3 1/2 mkmths since D day and we have hardly touched. We went through a week or do where we did but that fizzled out fast.

It's very hard to feel completely undesired for years and years. When someone desired me, I ran with it.

If things were that bad before, how could they possibly get better after an affair!

My husband in 12 years has never, not one time told me I am beautiful, sexy, he wants me. Nothing zip zero. I get hit on by other men a lot. After 12 years, I finally gave in. It was wrong, I hate what I did. But, I am scared our marriage will be right back where it was and I will make the same mistake. I am petrified of that! I just don't know if this can ever get to a good place. After what I did and what he did on top of all this? I can't imagine how we could ever be good.

 

Only you know the answer to this - if he made an effort, would you feel attracted to him? Or is it gone. I don't want to assume everyone is like me but for me, when it's gone, it's gone. Assuming you are okay physically, you either want someone or you don't. If someone makes your skin crawl, it does not come back. Ever. That is where alcohol comes in. So if he told you he loved you and you were beautiful, would you want to have sex with him? My ex could have given me the hope diamond and by the end, he literally repulsed me. So when you say you are not attracted to him physically are you just annoyed at him, doing a million things, tired, kids, etc etc - or does he make your skin crawl? You will have your answer there.

 

As for the gambling, it counts. And you must discuss it. I have a client getting divorced because his wife is a gambling addict and there is all this trouble with the IRS now. You can't just ignore this stuff. It's a serious addiction and it can turn into a giant tax nightmare.

 

If he wants to save this marriage, he needs to talk about it.

[Cephalopod]

Has your husband let himself go physically? Do you find him repulsive? Or do you think you lost attraction when you detached from him and attached to your affair partner?

[dreamingoftigers]

Hummm that makes sense. I was not sure why he was doing it. I have read a lot about reconciliation and telling them everything and answering all questions but I haven't seen much about if you are not reconciling, why ask questions? I guess in my mind I was thinking he asked questions to figure out why it happened so it doesn't happen again. But, what you said makes sense and yes, it was a POS move on my part for sure!

 

Have you read the pinned "what every wayward spouse should know"?

 

I found the repeated questions were because I was so traumatized.

[dreamingoftigers]

"Which is what will happen because we aren't working on it"

 

Well...full disclosure is "working on it". So maybe you should examine why YOU won't give him what he needs to "work on it".

 

Just get divorced if you aren't willing to do the work.

 

Financial "infidelity" sucks but it's not the same as bringing someone else into your relationship.

 

Having experienced both (and hmm, multiple times too, yay marriage)....

 

I can honestly say that they are two VERY different kinds of trauma and the cheating for me was far far far worse.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes. The therapist said to give it at least 6 months and not to do anything until after the holidays. I do not feel threatened at all and we definitely don't hate each other. I think there is just so much that has happened that there is no turning back.

 

Depends on your capacity to get over and through things.

 

Everyone is different.

[dreamingoftigers]

Only you know the answer to this - if he made an effort, would you feel attracted to him? Or is it gone. I don't want to assume everyone is like me but for me, when it's gone, it's gone. Assuming you are okay physically, you either want someone or you don't. If someone makes your skin crawl, it does not come back. Ever. That is where alcohol comes in. So if he told you he loved you and you were beautiful, would you want to have sex with him? My ex could have given me the hope diamond and by the end, he literally repulsed me. So when you say you are not attracted to him physically are you just annoyed at him, doing a million things, tired, kids, etc etc - or does he make your skin crawl? You will have your answer there.

 

As for the gambling, it counts. And you must discuss it. I have a client getting divorced because his wife is a gambling addict and there is all this trouble with the IRS now. You can't just ignore this stuff. It's a serious addiction and it can turn into a giant tax nightmare.

 

If he wants to save this marriage, he needs to talk about it.

 

You know what is so weird?

 

I was at the skin crawl place with my husband for about a month and was checking out lawyers etc.

 

Then he told me the truth about his own infidelity. I really wanted away from him then. Very very much.

 

I spent two days completely isolating myself and another week isolated from everyone but the kids.

 

Then he got drunk and broke a year of sobriety.

 

Then we had sex and it was CRAZY. And since then the sex and everything else has been pretty good.

 

But yeah, not being desired for EIGHT YEARS sure lit me ready to divorce. Arsehole.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You know what is so weird?

 

I was at the skin crawl place with my husband for about a month and was checking out lawyers etc.

 

Then he told me the truth about his own infidelity. I really wanted away from him then. Very very much.

 

I spent two days completely isolating myself and another week isolated from everyone but the kids.

 

Then he got drunk and broke a year of sobriety.

 

Then we had sex and it was CRAZY. And since then the sex and everything else has been pretty good.

 

But yeah, not being desired for EIGHT YEARS sure lit me ready to divorce. Arsehole.

 

I can't really imagine 8 years. I was only married 2 before I split. Everything about him repulsed me. I could only do it if I drank a bottle of wine first. He used to make these faces during it, open his mouth and stick his tongue out, like a toad, he was just so repulsive. He also was verbally abusive and one time, physically abusive. One day following that event, we were driving and I said, 'hey pull over', I got out, went in this bldg, came out and said, 'so I signed a lease, I'm leaving you.' And I did. I took this table I liked, what I could fit in a suitcase and left everything else behind. As I left, he shouted, 'you will be alone with a bunch of cats, a total loser forever.' I immediately bought a puppy.

 

You must love your husband. Mine was POS. Now he is someone else's problem. Hopefully he doesn't hit her too.

[DKT3]

I can't really imagine 8 years. I was only married 2 before I split. Everything about him repulsed me. I could only do it if I drank a bottle of wine first. He used to make these faces during it, open his mouth and stick his tongue out, like a toad, he was just so repulsive. He also was verbally abusive and one time, physically abusive. One day following that event, we were driving and I said, 'hey pull over', I got out, went in this bldg, came out and said, 'so I signed a lease, I'm leaving you.' And I did. I took this table I liked, what I could fit in a suitcase and left everything else behind. As I left, he shouted, 'you will be alone with a bunch of cats, a total loser forever.' I immediately bought a puppy.

 

You must love your husband. Mine was POS. Now he is someone else's problem. Hopefully he doesn't hit her too.

 

The first part made me laugh out loud, but didn't need that visual

[MidnightBlue1980]

The first part made me laugh out loud, but didn't need that visual

 

I can't believe I am telling this to a stranger on the internet but the one thing that has always stuck in my mind with xmm was we only had 2 times together (the first barely counted to me, he came on my leg before it happened) and the second was like 2 minutes tops, but I looked at him during it and his eyes were all bugged out, really big, staring at something, not me. It was just really weird, maybe he was concentrating or something dunno. I am not sure how I attract these geeks and weirdos. Thankfully my H is not like that. It was def not sexy.

 

Sorry to hijack the thread with my weirdo sex tales.

[NTV]

You sound iffy on reconciling. .. is that because you don't want to or because you think there have been too many wrongs?

[sandylee1]

Your marriage wasn't in a good place pre affair.

Your sex life wasn't good.

You don't find him sexually attractive

 

Did your husband change from the point of marriage? Did he ever complement you?

 

I find it so strange that people. ..not just the OP complainabout their husbandor wife. It's like they've had a personality change a few years I'm.

 

Or did you just ignore what was before your eyes?

 

There doesn't seem to be anything worth reconciling.

[Ws2016]

Your marriage wasn't in a good place pre affair.

Your sex life wasn't good.

You don't find him sexually attractive

 

Did your husband change from the point of marriage? Did he ever complement you?

 

I find it so strange that people. ..not just the OP complainabout their husbandor wife. It's like they've had a personality change a few years I'm.

 

Or did you just ignore what was before your eyes?

 

There doesn't seem to be anything worth reconciling.

 

It funny you said that because he really did have a total personality change after the birth of our first child. He was very different when we first met and now. He is a good man, a good provider, an amazing dad but he was miserable a significant part of the time. He never complemented me, he was just in a foul mood a lot of the time. We didn't go out, didn't talk, sex was maintenence every 3 months or so. I gave up, he gave up. It was both of our fault. I just took it one very wrong step further and cheated.

We have talked about this in length. His ex fiancé broke it off with him for this very reason.

I know people say just leave and that is the road it looks like we are heading down but it shocks me how people think it is just a decision and done. I mean, we have children, we have many years together, we have a house and this is the biggest decision of our lives! If there can be any possible way to fix it, of course you want to! The longer this goes on I realize there isn't much that will change but of course there is A LOT to figure out, think about ect...

 

The whole thing sucks!!!

[Ws2016]

You sound iffy on reconciling. .. is that because you don't want to or because you think there have been too many wrongs?

 

I don't want to go back to the way things were. I think we would need intensive therapy but not sure he would do that and that's what I would need from him and what he needs from me is to show how much I want to be with him and would go to the ends of the earth for him and show him I am madly in love with him but I am not in that place right now. I gave up on our marriage before I cheated. I realized it was an exit affair. I didnt want to admit that but there it is.

I an truly a mess. I am so confused and sad and depressed. I hate that he us hurt, this is awful. Absolutely awful.

 

He said he doesn't know if he wants to be with me and he absolutely does not forgive me. I don't really think there is much else we can do. I think we stay because there is love there. Not in love kind of love but I do love him dearly, just not the way a wife should love her husband. ?