I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[Mrs. John Adams]

I believe that a marriage or rather the parties inside that marriage become more aware of the awareness that one needs to bring to a marriage. They are more attune...they are present. By being present, they have an appreciation for the other party. So, absolutely...being in a marriage with appreciation/awareness is better than one in which we robotically live within.

 

In those marriages where infidelity has happened and both parties were able to have that growth....it is not uncommon to have a FWS who so deeply wishes that they could erase the affair. Many FWS become mama bearish when it comes to their spouse. Heaven help the person who tries to hurt them.

 

For those couples both beliefs reside within them. The marriage is stronger and a longing for fidelity to still exist. In some ways...the stronger marriage highlights the failing of the infidelity even more. It is usually the one thing that the FWS wishes they could give back.....fidelity.

 

oh god yes....everyday of my life...I would give anything to be able to undo what i have done.

[AlwaysGrowing]

To the OP,

 

What a BS wants the most....is for the infidelity to not have happened.

What the WS can never give....is for the infidelity to not have happened.

 

 

If you can realize and accept that truth, you might garner more empathy/understanding/acceptance/appreciation/gratitude/insight/awareness to help you move forward and have real life changing internal growth.

 

Wanting change within the relationship is a good thing....it is always best to start with self first....as that is where we have control. At two months out, your husband just doesn't have the necessary additional emotional energy required to be the one to initiate any changes. He is too busy repairing his internal ship. Be the changes that you want. You take the wheel.

 

If you want a better marriage then the onus is on you to start steering it there....and I don't mean that you are the Captain who dictates what the ship hand is to do.

[Mr Blunt]

Previous post by blunt

Do you think that your IC is enough support? Do you have family to help build you up? Do you have friends to help you? Do you believe that spirituality can help you? This LS forum is valuable and can help you but you need more.

WHAT IS YOUR PLAN TO BUILD YOURSELF UP?

 

 

 

 

I asked you the questions above but you did not answer for some reason. What you did write is reprinted below:

 

By Ws2016

I think I am and back and forth because I still have so much resentment about things that happened in our marriage before this. I feel like I was ignored, never complimented, like I didn't matter etc. and then I did this and now I am being racked over the coals and now I REALLY don't matter but I'm expected to grovel at his feet

There are still those things lurking, still those resentments, still that anger. I feel like "I'm doing all this for you and for 12 years you did nothing for me when I was feeling alone and worthless" I don't know how to deal with these feelings.

 

 

 

 

Response by Blunt

You just talking about why you are a failure in your R is not going to get you better but worse.

 

 

Your words above are more reasons why I have been trying to get you to take ACTIONS to get stronger so that you can help yourself and your husband in your desire to R. It has been said many times in this thread that THIS SITUATION IS ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND AND NOT ABOUT YOU. You may not like that but it is true.

 

Bluespower condensed your situation in his reply reprinted below.

By Bluespower

If you love your husband, you will have to sacrifice your comfort and your feelings for him and his rage. It won't be forever but it will be for a while.

 

Ws2016, by your posts and attitude I conclude that right now you are too weak to do what is required to get the R on a good foundation. It would be great if you could now do what some of these WS posters have been telling you to do but you are too weak or resentful.

 

 

Unless you get busy and take ACTIONS to build yourself up you will not have a good R or D. You talking about this and talking about that and talking about your resentments and the past will not get you better. You need to take actions to get stronger because actions always speak louder than words. There are some things that only you can do; nobody else is going to do them because they can’t. Your husband maybe able to help you some day but according to your posts he is not helping you at all but he is hurting you so do not expect your husband to do what you have to do for yourself.

 

 

You can ignore my posts and the posts by others but you are the one that will be the loser unless you take right actions and also change your attitude and resentments.

[Wade Lamare]

Stop making excuses and hiding behind words.

 

 

Physical: quality time does not mean sex, kissing, or even holding hands or romance. It means do something together. Seeing a movie distracts the mind from thinking about the trauma caused by the affair.

 

 

Sharing a hobby not only is another example of distracting the mind so it can begin the healing process.

 

 

Another point of the distraction is it shows/reminds each other that spending time together was and is fun.

 

 

Stewing over the affair in his mind 24/7 is not healthy. These diversions are needed and this is how you take the lead in the recovery.

 

That's why I suggested doing something like geocaching together, it's a bit of fun, can be informative and generally kids love it.

 

It is to be honest a little manipulative as well, it deposits loads of credits in the family bank and hopefully keeps him engaged with the family. Even if he hates Ws2016's guts at the moment he is going to love doing something that the kids get a great deal of enjoyment out of.

[road]

Harrybrown,

 

The problem maybe is that she does not know, or the real reason is lost to her. Mrs Adams once said John just could not understand and she could not really explain the "why". My wife really cannot explain, her ONS, or her over spending. The "why" is out of reach, for both. All we can say is that it happened, and that for the brief moment when it did, her family, her husband did not matter, and she did what she did because she could.

 

Trying to explain, just may not work because she just may not really know why. The best thing is to try and remember how, with the why being many layered, but in the end "they engage in this behavior because at the time the consequences do not seem enough to stop them" Be it love or fear, or embarrassment.

 

Ws2016, again, you have a hard road to travel on, and you are just starting a 1000 mile trek that will take a lifetime. The sooner you understand this is a long game the better for you. Try for a small steps each day. There will not be a one time large solution, it will be many small things that count.

 

I wish you luck...

 

The why is they wanted to.

 

 

For what ever reason they wanted an ego boost. Getting that ego boost was more important than anything else. They needed that fix.

 

 

They rewrote history, made up reasons to justify their actions so they could do what they wanted.

 

 

The put their want's ahead of their value system. Thus they were able to justify their actions in their own minds.

 

 

When will people learn that seeking the why is a fool's errand.

[Ws2016]

Previous post by blunt

Do you think that your IC is enough support? Do you have family to help build you up? Do you have friends to help you? Do you believe that spirituality can help you? This LS forum is valuable and can help you but you need more.

WHAT IS YOUR PLAN TO BUILD YOURSELF UP?

 

 

 

 

I asked you the questions above but you did not answer for some reason. What you did write is reprinted below:

 

By Ws2016

I think I am and back and forth because I still have so much resentment about things that happened in our marriage before this. I feel like I was ignored, never complimented, like I didn't matter etc. and then I did this and now I am being racked over the coals and now I REALLY don't matter but I'm expected to grovel at his feet

There are still those things lurking, still those resentments, still that anger. I feel like "I'm doing all this for you and for 12 years you did nothing for me when I was feeling alone and worthless" I don't know how to deal with these feelings.

 

 

 

 

Response by Blunt

You just talking about why you are a failure in your R is not going to get you better but worse.

 

 

Your words above are more reasons why I have been trying to get you to take ACTIONS to get stronger so that you can help yourself and your husband in your desire to R. It has been said many times in this thread that THIS SITUATION IS ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND AND NOT ABOUT YOU. You may not like that but it is true.

 

Bluespower condensed your situation in his reply reprinted below.

By Bluespower

If you love your husband, you will have to sacrifice your comfort and your feelings for him and his rage. It won't be forever but it will be for a while.

 

Ws2016, by your posts and attitude I conclude that right now you are too weak to do what is required to get the R on a good foundation. It would be great if you could now do what some of these WS posters have been telling you to do but you are too weak or resentful.

 

 

Unless you get busy and take ACTIONS to build yourself up you will not have a good R or D. You talking about this and talking about that and talking about your resentments and the past will not get you better. You need to take actions to get stronger because actions always speak louder than words. There are some things that only you can do; nobody else is going to do them because they can’t. Your husband maybe able to help you some day but according to your posts he is not helping you at all but he is hurting you so do not expect your husband to do what you have to do for yourself.

 

 

You can ignore my posts and the posts by others but you are the one that will be the loser unless you take right actions and also change your attitude and resentments.

 

 

I'm not ignoring!! I'm reading everything and looking deep inside myself.

To answer your question about what I am doing to build myself up. I am going to therapy, I am not sure what else you mean? What am I doing to be a better person or what am I doing in my relationship? Could you clarify?

[Ws2016]

That's why I suggested doing something like geocaching together, it's a bit of fun, can be informative and generally kids love it.

 

It is to be honest a little manipulative as well, it deposits loads of credits in the family bank and hopefully keeps him engaged with the family. Even if he hates Ws2016's guts at the moment he is going to love doing something that the kids get a great deal of enjoyment out of.

 

 

He won't. He won't do anything. I can't force him. He is leaving for the weekend in a couple weeks to get away. He has not had and interest in anything. I have tried. He just wants to be left alone.

[understand50]

He won't. He won't do anything. I can't force him. He is leaving for the weekend in a couple weeks to get away. He has not had and interest in anything. I have tried. He just wants to be left alone.

 

Ws2016,

 

I took some time alone to figure out if I wanted to stay married. This was after her overspending. Thought about lots of things. I think when he comes back you will have a answer on if the marriage will go on or end, at least from his side. As many, including myself have said, the decision is his, and he must make it if you have a chance at reconciliation. In the meantime, take care of the kids, and hope.

 

I wish you luck...

[road]

He won't. He won't do anything. I can't force him. He is leaving for the weekend in a couple weeks to get away. He has not had and interest in anything. I have tried. He just wants to be left alone.

 

Then you plan a family outing with the kids, extend invite, he refuses you still do the outing. Get let the kids tell him about the great time they had. Eventually he will get motivated to go because he will not like missing out on the fun.

[Jersey born raised]

Ws your issues are real and need to be addressed but first (and I stress) the adultery needs to be addressed. If your husband was posting I would warn him if your issues are not addressed he needs to divorce, as do you. I would discuss in length what remorse is and if it is not present divorce. If he refused to acknowledge or understand your issues I would close the conversation by advising to divorce for both your sakes.

 

Does this make sense?

 

If he does or says he needs "hall passes" tell him no. What he did in the past was cruel and hopefully out of ignoriness. But you upped this by a mile (again fix the adultery issues first). I often say a person who does commit adultery after experience the devastation of adultery is the worst.

 

Did I post a link for you on "responsibilities of the betrayed spouse"?

Edited September 14, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[Ws2016]

Ws your issues are real and need to be addressed but first (and I stress) the adultery needs to be addressed. If your husband was posting I would warn him if your issues are not addressed he needs to divorce, as do you. I would discuss in length what remorse is and if it is not present divorce. If he refused to acknowledge or understand your issues I would close the conversation by advising to divorce for both your sakes.

 

Does this make sense?

 

If he does or says he needs "hall passes" tell him no. What he did in the past was cruel and hopefully out of ignoriness. But you upped this by a mile (again fix the adultery issues first). I often say a person who does commit adultery after experience the devastation of adultery is the worst.

 

 

Did I post a link for you on "responsibilities of the betrayed spouse"?

 

I know this logically. I know what I did trumps everything and I know this is the mother of all betrayals. I KNOW this but I am having a hard time doing this. I keep feeling like for years I felt alone, like everything I told him was swept under the rug, like my feelings were not even a thought but now that I did this to HIM now that it's his feeling are hurt now it matters, now it's important. I truly do not like feeling like this, I just don't know how to NOT feel like this.

 

Understand, how long did it take you to make that decision? How long should I expect him to take?

 

I'm hoping at some point all the issues can be addressed finally and we can get passed it. Sounds pretty doubtful but I have to ar least try!

[BluesPower]

Sweetie, I understand what you are going through.

 

I actually let my wife beat on me for 2 years after she found out about my affair. It really did not hurt that much, I was mostly worried that she would really hurt herself by hitting on me. He arms and legs were constantly bruised and I was really worried she would break and arm of something.

 

It was ridiculous that I let that go on so long, and now that I look back on it, it was humiliating. I in no way think you should allow that at all.

 

But, listen, you are just a few months into the process. I takes time, time and more time.

 

And you can file for divorce at any time you want to. I don't recommend separating, but maybe you need to if you can't handle what is going on.

 

Try to hang in there and do your best. This is the part that everyone warns everyone else about. This is what happens when, especially a man, finds out that his wife has been sleeping with anther man.

[Noirek]

OP,

 

You can't control your husband. You can't make him forgive you. Crawling on your belly groveling, wearing sack cloth and ashes, ect, none of that will change anything.

 

There was a ww on here who was divorced by her husband. She did everything right. But, he didn't want to save the marriage and keep the family together. People are all different. For some infidelity can be worked past. For others it can't. While doing the "right" things and being remorseful are good whether you reconcile or not they don't guarantee anything. You were unhappy with your marriage before this. This is like a rude interruption to that. more often than that when someone who is already selfish and entitled is betrayed they become more selfish in the marriage, not less. more entitled, not less.

 

I cheated on my husband in a faaaaaaaaar worse way than you did. And then I broke NC. We made it past both of these things because I was the problem. The marriage had issues and still does but nothing that isn't workable. My husband is not more selfish than normal or self entitled. He also has no macho manliness to prove and so his ego wasn't irreparably hurt. His heart was hurt. The second time more than the first. But he never made it all about himself. Like "how could you cheat on me." it was "I never thought you would cheat." If that makes sense. Therefore he was a good candidate for forgiveness and for keeping our family together. While transparency and honesty and me working on myself were important.... It was his decision and his decision alone. He chose to stay with me while I sorted out my craziness. And I also learned that for me following some laid out book or plan on how to get over an AP was not for me.

 

I think you need to give your husband space. And you need to focus on the kids and making you healthy. Be there for your husband if he needs you but stop trying to push him (or pull him) by groveling. Be patient. And if he decides he truly wants to save the marriage, he'll more than likely put the work into the marriage that it needs in time.

[Noirek]

There are men who can't get past this and it's a complete deal breaker for them. Your husband sounds like one of those men.

 

Then there are the types of men men who will continually allow themselves to be walked on, disrespected, devalued, degraded, lied to and cheated on - and will cry about it every day and whine that they want her back. I don't see your husband as that type.

 

You may need to face the fact that for him, ultimately, there may be no going back.

 

There are other types too. No need to let the OP feel like either her husband is a wimp if he stays or some cave man alpha if he doesn't

[Mr Blunt]

By Ws2016

I'm not ignoring!! I'm reading everything and looking deep inside myself.

To answer your question about what I am doing to build myself up. I am going to therapy, I am not sure what else you mean? What am I doing to be a better person or what am I doing in my relationship? Could you clarify?

 

 

By BLUNT

The most important part right now is for you to do everything so that you do not have too much guilt, hate for yourself, and to address your resentments about your husband’s treatment of you in the past. Not addressing those three things will keep you in deep pain and will prevent you from having a successful R or D.

 

You going to therapy is very good. However, you have to take actions for yourself because just having the therapist talk to you is not enough.

 

What actions have the therapist suggested that you do to improve your situation? Have you taken those actions?

 

Are you having your other family members help support you with their love and compassion?

 

What actions are you taking to build up your spiritual life?

 

Talk is not enough; you have to take actions that will help you improve in the areas of guilt, hate, resentments, and forgiveness. You have a whole lot to do that nobody else can do for you. Improving in these areas will help you have a better R or D.

 

You have a choice. You can face these issues and take action to get better or you can ignore (cop-out) and become worse. What you choose will determine if you will become either BITTER or BETTER!

[Ws2016]

By Ws2016

I'm not ignoring!! I'm reading everything and looking deep inside myself.

To answer your question about what I am doing to build myself up. I am going to therapy, I am not sure what else you mean? What am I doing to be a better person or what am I doing in my relationship? Could you clarify?

 

 

By BLUNT

The most important part right now is for you to do everything so that you do not have too much guilt, hate for yourself, and to address your resentments about your husband’s treatment of you in the past. Not addressing those three things will keep you in deep pain and will prevent you from having a successful R or D.

 

You going to therapy is very good. However, you have to take actions for yourself because just having the therapist talk to you is not enough.

 

What actions have the therapist suggested that you do to improve your situation? Have you taken those actions?

 

Are you having your other family members help support you with their love and compassion?

 

What actions are you taking to build up your spiritual life?

 

Talk is not enough; you have to take actions that will help you improve in the areas of guilt, hate, resentments, and forgiveness. You have a whole lot to do that nobody else can do for you. Improving in these areas will help you have a better R or D.

 

You have a choice. You can face these issues and take action to get better or you can ignore (cop-out) and become worse. What you choose will determine if you will become either BITTER or BETTER!

 

 

Gotcha! Okay yes I am doing things to better myself. I am enrolled in classes and going back to school so I don't feel like I have nothing, I got my own credit card (which sounds weird but my credit was not great because he took care of all the finances and didnt put my name in anything. Yes, this was a huge issue too) I have friends and family that are extremely supportive. I have always had good close friendships and created tight bonds with people. I went back to yoga and I am doing things that make me feel good for the first time since we got married. He is not happy about this (he's mad that I have so much support after what I did and he feels like he doesn't but he has never put in time to form friendships so I am not going to feel guilty for that)

I also volunteer at my kids school. I

Edited September 14, 2016 by Ws2016

[Ws2016]

OP,

 

You can't control your husband. You can't make him forgive you. Crawling on your belly groveling, wearing sack cloth and ashes, ect, none of that will change anything.

 

There was a ww on here who was divorced by her husband. She did everything right. But, he didn't want to save the marriage and keep the family together. People are all different. For some infidelity can be worked past. For others it can't. While doing the "right" things and being remorseful are good whether you reconcile or not they don't guarantee anything. You were unhappy with your marriage before this. This is like a rude interruption to that. more often than that when someone who is already selfish and entitled is betrayed they become more selfish in the marriage, not less. more entitled, not less.

 

I cheated on my husband in a faaaaaaaaar worse way than you did. And then I broke NC. We made it past both of these things because I was the problem. The marriage had issues and still does but nothing that isn't workable. My husband is not more selfish than normal or self entitled. He also has no macho manliness to prove and so his ego wasn't irreparably hurt. His heart was hurt. The second time more than the first. But he never made it all about himself. Like "how could you cheat on me." it was "I never thought you would cheat." If that makes sense. Therefore he was a good candidate for forgiveness and for keeping our family together. While transparency and honesty and me working on myself were important.... It was his decision and his decision alone. He chose to stay with me while I sorted out my craziness. And I also learned that for me following some laid out book or plan on how to get over an AP was not for me.

 

I think you need to give your husband space. And you need to focus on the kids and making you healthy. Be there for your husband if he needs you but stop trying to push him (or pull him) by groveling. Be patient. And if he decides he truly wants to save the marriage, he'll more than likely put the work into the marriage that it needs in time.

 

It's always "how could you do this to me" it's ALLLLLL about him. All the time. We have not had one single conversation about me but from what everyone is saying, that's how it should be right now? His ego is bruised. I get that.

[Cephalopod]

I wouldn't get my hopes up that this will be saved.

 

There is way too many years of unresolved bitterness and resentment on your part, and your husband is just a bulldozer... a guy who thinks it's his job to do everything and for you to just look after the kids while he plows ahead works and doles out the money.

 

It is a story as old as the hills.

 

I predict when he gets back from his trip he will tell you he wants a divorce.

[Ws2016]

I wouldn't get my hopes up that this will be saved.

 

There is way too many years of unresolved bitterness and resentment on your part, and your husband is just a bulldozer... a guy who thinks it's his job to do everything and for you to just look after the kids while he plows ahead works and doles out the money.

 

It is a story as old as the hills.

 

I predict when he gets back from his trip he will tell you he wants a divorce.

 

 

I don't think he will. He keeps saying "I don't know when I will have an answer" so I guess I am expected to deal with this for an undetermined time? I'm not sure what I'm expecting or what but for him to say "let me check your phone, you are not allowed to shop for cloths because you are probably doing it so other men will look at you, how could you do this to me, don't kiss our children with you filthy mouth, you can't have any of MY money, when we get divorced I will tell you how much I think you deserve, you are a POS, I am going to track your phone and car, ect ect ect. Then says " I will let you know when k make a decision"

It's too much.

[understand50]

I wouldn't get my hopes up that this will be saved.

 

There is way too many years of unresolved bitterness and resentment on your part, and your husband is just a bulldozer... a guy who thinks it's his job to do everything and for you to just look after the kids while he plows ahead works and doles out the money.

 

It is a story as old as the hills.

 

I predict when he gets back from his trip he will tell you he wants a divorce.

 

Or not.

 

After my 3 week alone, I came back and asked if she want to stay together, and made her think about it for a week. I told her I want to try and stay together, but needed to know she was all in as well .

 

So we just do not know. I bet he does not as well, so WS2016 will have to wait it out.

 

Ws2016, as long as he or you has not filed, there is hope, if you work on it.

 

I wish you luck....

[Mrs. John Adams]

It's always "how could you do this to me" it's ALLLLLL about him. All the time. We have not had one single conversation about me but from what everyone is saying, that's how it should be right now? His ego is bruised. I get that.

 

This is so much more than ego bruising....and the conversation should not be about you.

 

Look...when you chose to cheat...you took away his power ...you took away his voice. You did not ask his opinion...you chose this for him. It was the ultimate in selfishness...you put you before everything else ...your husband...your children...your parents....everyone. You made a choice that said...I do not care about anybody but me.

 

Even though your marriage was shaky at best...you blindsided him...he never expected this from you....

 

and now his world has collapsed...it is not his ego..it is his world. He is angry...he is sad...he is disappointed...and he is frightened. He stands to lose everything...his home...his wife...his children....and I can tell you this will also affect his job.

 

He has to process all of this and here you are wanting him to get over it...and lets talk about ME. Yes...the marriage was already in jeopardy...but he may not have been as unhappy as you were. My husband calls it his fat dumb and happy mode. He had no clue that I was unhappy...he knew things were less than perfect...but he figured life was ok....and we would get better....he did not have a clue that there was another man paying me the attention he should have been giving me.

 

Remember...you KNEW what was happening and he didn't...so you have a head start on moving past it. You are ready to begin tackling the pre affair issues and tell him how you were unhappy and he failed you...and he still can't wrap his head around the fact that you screwed another man....and the LAST thing he wants is to talk about how he failed ...YOU.

 

Do you understand any of this? You stabbed him in his heart and twisted the knife...and he is bleeding and you want to talk about lack of communication skills.

 

and yet you say you have remorse....you see...you don't have a clue. You are sorry...but sorry for what?

 

page after page people have talked to you...betrayed as well as waywards...men and women....they have done their best to help you understand and you are still in the same place you were with your very first post. You are resentful of him because he is not processing this fast enough for you....you expect all of this to go away and have a better marriage than you ever had...and we have all told you...that is not going to happen.

 

The experts say it takes 2-5 years for reconciliation...when everything goes right. You are 2 months into that time frame...and nothing is going right.

 

The question then becomes...how long are you willing to wait for him and how much work are you willing to put in?...because right now...you have to carry all of the burden because he is not capable.... and Are you prepared to move on without him if he does not meet your expectations?

 

Infidelity is like a bag of rocks that you placed around his neck. It is so very heavy and he is weak....you must help him carry that bag of rocks....and you actually have carry most of the weight because he is not capable right now. As time goes on...and healing begins to come...he can then help you carry the rocks...and between the two of you...the load feels so much lighter. Together...you carry it for the rest of your life....

 

The more remorseful I have become...the more my husband trusts me. The more he trusts me, the more he lets go, the more he lets go, the closer we become, the closer we become, the more he helps me do the work.

[BluesPower]

If it is really just too much then get a lawyer and file.

 

Yes, right now he feels all of those things. And, yes it will last an undetermined amount of time. All of us that have betrayed our spouses deserve to be call a POS and everything else. We deserve it because we are ****ty people. We don't have to stay that way, but we were while we were screwing someone else.

 

I told you that I was in the anger stage for 6 straight months, half a year. Finally, I came out of it and began to think clearly.

 

If you really can't do it then just file for divorce, no one will blame you, I mean you had one little affair and your husband just freaks out with rage.

 

I mean screw him, right?. He deserved it for all the crap he has done to me, right? I mean he is lucky you did not screw half the town, right?

 

If you really feel this way, just let it go and start a new life.

 

Good luck to you WS...

[Ws2016]

If it is really just too much then get a lawyer and file.

 

Yes, right now he feels all of those things. And, yes it will last an undetermined amount of time. All of us that have betrayed our spouses deserve to be call a POS and everything else. We deserve it because we are ****ty people. We don't have to stay that way, but we were while we were screwing someone else.

 

I told you that I was in the anger stage for 6 straight months, half a year. Finally, I came out of it and began to think clearly.

 

If you really can't do it then just file for divorce, no one will blame you, I mean you had one little affair and your husband just freaks out with rage.

 

I mean screw him, right?. He deserved it for all the crap he has done to me, right? I mean he is lucky you did not screw half the town, right?

 

If you really feel this way, just let it go and start a new life.

 

Good luck to you WS...

 

I don't feel like that at all!!!!! He did not deserve any of this.

[ladydesigner]

I don't think he will. He keeps saying "I don't know when I will have an answer" so I guess I am expected to deal with this for an undetermined time? I'm not sure what I'm expecting or what but for him to say "let me check your phone, you are not allowed to shop for cloths because you are probably doing it so other men will look at you, how could you do this to me, don't kiss our children with you filthy mouth, you can't have any of MY money, when we get divorced I will tell you how much I think you deserve, you are a POS, I am going to track your phone and car, ect ect ect. Then says " I will let you know when k make a decision"

It's too much.

 

The pain and scarring of infidelity last a lifetime that is why many here say that R is not easy and both people have to want it for it to work. I would focus on helping yourself, give him space and let him talk, rant and rave. The M has lost it's innocence and you cannot get that back. It's a steep price to pay for cheating.

 

Hang in there!

[Ws2016]

The pain and scarring of infidelity last a lifetime that is why many here say that R is not easy and both people have to want it for it to work. I would focus on helping yourself, give him space and let him talk, rant and rave. The M has lost it's innocence and you cannot get that back. It's a steep price to pay for cheating.

 

Hang in there!

 

 

If R was on the table I would be perfectly okay with years. I think my point is he is saying he is done but then still wants to punish me. R is pretty much not happening then why is he tracking me and checking my phone? I'm just confused.