I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[Mr Blunt]

By Ws2016

Blunt, no those things won't help me. I honestly don't know what else to do. It go to therapy. I don't have any hatred though. None. I am still angry but no hatred in my heart.

 

What I am struggling with is that all that anger and resentment from before the affair is still there. It was no erased and I admit I am struggling with helping him heal because now that it's him that's hurt we need to devote all our time and energy to help him but when I desperately needed help, I did not mean enough to put in the time. I begged, pleated, told him I was having a nervous breakdown, told him I was in pain, I cried, told him I was miserable and I got nothing! Now I am expected to give that to him when I never got it. Maybe I sm selfish, maybe I am a horrible person for feeling this or maybe I am broken and trying to deal with a big ol pile of **** right now. It's hard. I don't like feeling this way but I do.. I think for the first time he gets his much pain I really was in. its awful that the pain caused me to react in such an unhealthy way though and there is no excuse for my decisions. No matter what he did, he didn't deserve this.

 

 

By Blunt

 

The actions you are now taking are not helping you with your number one problem which is your resentments. In addition, your resentments are keeping you from doing what these LS people have been telling you. What they are telling you is right but you have to address your resentments FIRST!

 

By Ws

I honestly don't know what else to do.

 

 

What has your therapist told you to do about your resentments?

 

I can tell you what I did about my resentments. I added a spiritual application and started building up my faith. First I had to endure some painful spiritual truths about myself. I FIRST FACED THE FACT THAT I HAD COMMITTED INFIDELITY WITH God. I only looked to God when I wanted something for myself. I had been fairly contented to put God on the shelf while I was promoting only myself. I was concerned about myself and had no time for God.

 

When I was still very miserable and hurting from my spouse’s total rejection of me as she replaced me with another man, I looked an many other places and people to put my trust in but left God out. That is my infidelity against God. When I exhausted all the other ways to get better, (without much success) I finally looked to God and my responsibilities in terms of my making up for making God number 10 in my life.

 

 

I finally came to the conclusion that that my first and main priority was to look to the one that could help me with resentments, anger, and deep hurts. I wanted to get better and was very afraid for my children. I have three children and it is difficult for me to talk about the hurts they were suffering because of this very serious crises.

 

 

I realized that the resentments were my responsibility to work on and I could not depend on anyone else but only me and God. I went after my spirituality like a thirsty man in the desert! I did not let up in a few weeks or a few months but went at it for years. I was getting better every month and after some time I was able to do what some of the people here on this thread are telling you to do. I became strong enough to help my wife!

 

There is a concept in my faith that is so contrary to what some people believe. That concept is called GRACE and the meaning is that you give someone what they do not deserve! THAT IS SO VERY HARD TO DO! I started giving my wife what she did not deserve and I forgave her. I found that by me forgiving her I was able to forgive myself of my infidelity to God. Because I took action that pleased God I was able to fully believe that God forgave me. That is very freeing and healing and is so very important if you R or D.

 

Ws2016, I gave you my way to address resentments so I hope that you FIRST find a way to remove your resentments so that you can do other things to help your husband. Even if you and your husband do not R; you getting rid of resentment will benefit you greatly!

 

Blunt

[AlwaysGrowing]

If i read you posts correctly until you got this credit card all credit cards where in his name only, or where they joint? Are you on the deed for the home (if you have one)? The cars are they in both your names. How involved are you with the family finances? Bank account, joint?

 

The need to prevent one spouse from any form of individual economic independence is a red flag.

 

Issues are issues - Adultery is Adultery while closely related they are two different things. From what I read the biggest mistake MC make are putting the cart (issues) before the horse (adultery). Normally I would advise WS you need to deal with the adultery first but I am not sure in your case it would matter.

 

Your response to my question tells me your husband is a very weak man who at least in matters of money needs to have absolute control. Why ? In his mind the only thing of value he really has is money. Sad, dig deeply enough and you will see he views himself only as an ATM.

 

Your new credit card and finishing school in his mind weakened his worth to you some much it enabled your adultery.

 

You have harmed a weak person (the adultery) and destroyed the faith in the one person who could help him the most. Harm so deep it may have caused a weak person to be broken, hiding by indifference driven to hurt before hurting.

 

Yet the his actions created the environment that caused another weak person to commit adultery. So yes, your issues are real and need to fixed or divorce.

 

I am a firm believer in everyone taking responsibility for their own life. If the OP wanted financial independence than she should have sought that out for herself.....not expect her husband to pay for it....which isn't financial independence. She created that environment for herself....not him. She failed herself in this regard.

 

Your comment that he prevented her from this is a leap.....being that she currently has her own CC and is enrolled in classes. An option that at any time she could have invoked for herself.

 

By her own posts....the OP has talked of volunteering, gym, outings, etc.....that hardly reads as having a controlling husband who is trying to isolate his wife.

 

To be honest, what I read...is a person...who slowly becomes unhappy with who they are and doesn't have the necessary insight/coping skills to clearly identify what change they need. In those cases, it is easier to look for that change externally....they start to try to change the other person....that way...the failure isn't on them. Regardless if it is failure (on the other person) or success (the other persons)....there is no internal satisfaction from it. That is why the OP still has resentment even when her husband follows through.

 

If one wants change...they have to be that change. There is no internal growth or building of new skills/thought processes when we expect others to do the work for us.

 

I want to be clear, I believe that the OP will benefit greatly from seeking out, exploring, working towards a more up-to-date/more mature/stand alone version/side of herself. Many women need more for themselves. Many women have guilt over feeling this way and seek out unhealthy ways to address that inner conflict. I believe the affair was just that...an easy way to quell that inner dialogue...a self destructive way to gain independence. However, I don't think the OP wanted independence from her husband/family....she wanted independence from who she had been.

 

There is no growth/change for the OP if she continues to point at everything her husband did/didn't do. Taking our own personal inventory is far more beneficial for us. It is in finding the right questions to ask ourselves, challenging our perceptions, exposing those past hurts, figuring out why we operate the way we do, being more critical of ourselves than we are of others...that we garner much more useful knowledge. We learn and understand us. From that vantage point, we can then implement new ways of being/thinking. We can then see when we are giving ourselves a pass...we become honest with ourselves.

[Ws2016]

I am a firm believer in everyone taking responsibility for their own life. If the OP wanted financial independence than she should have sought that out for herself.....not expect her husband to pay for it....which isn't financial independence. She created that environment for herself....not him. She failed herself in this regard.

 

Your comment that he prevented her from this is a leap.....being that she currently has her own CC and is enrolled in classes. An option that at any time she could have invoked for herself.

 

By her own posts....the OP has talked of volunteering, gym, outings, etc.....that hardly reads as having a controlling husband who is trying to isolate his wife.

 

To be honest, what I read...is a person...who slowly becomes unhappy with who they are and doesn't have the necessary insight/coping skills to clearly identify what change they need. In those cases, it is easier to look for that change externally....they start to try to change the other person....that way...the failure isn't on them. Regardless if it is failure (on the other person) or success (the other persons)....there is no internal satisfaction from it. That is why the OP still has resentment even when her husband follows through.

 

If one wants change...they have to be that change. There is no internal growth or building of new skills/thought processes when we expect others to do the work for us.

 

I want to be clear, I believe that the OP will benefit greatly from seeking out, exploring, working towards a more up-to-date/more mature/stand alone version/side of herself. Many women need more for themselves. Many women have guilt over feeling this way and seek out unhealthy ways to address that inner conflict. I believe the affair was just that...an easy way to quell that inner dialogue...a self destructive way to gain independence. However, I don't think the OP wanted independence from her husband/family....she wanted independence from who she had been.

 

There is no growth/change for the OP if she continues to point at everything her husband did/didn't do. Taking our own personal inventory is far more beneficial for us. It is in finding the right questions to ask ourselves, challenging our perceptions, exposing those past hurts, figuring out why we operate the way we do, being more critical of ourselves than we are of others...that we garner much more useful knowledge. We learn and understand us. From that vantage point, we can then implement new ways of being/thinking. We can then see when we are giving ourselves a pass...we become honest with ourselves.

I actually agree with a lot of this. When we got married, we agreed I would stay home with the kids and he would work. I stood by while he grew his career and put mine on hold. We agreed on this! Nobody's fault! As time went on he did get very controlling with money. It was his way to make sure I didn't go anywhere. This is truth, he admitted this. I didn't think that he would do this when we made that agreement. We also agreed we would be 50/50 partners and that did NOT happen! I absolutely did not expect him to take full financial responsibility. He wanted me home. I told him I could work but it was an agreement on both our parts.

I do agree that I need to take care of my issues! This was not his fault. I was trying to get away from the whole situation. Him, myself and us. I do need to take responsibility for myself, my life and my actions. I'm working in that. I really agree with much of what you said aside from me expecting him to pay for everything. This was 100% a mutual decision and even with that, I still did jobs here and there just not full time.

 

But yes, lots of what you write is true!

[understand50]

I actually agree with a lot of this. When we got married, we agreed I would stay home with the kids and he would work. I stood by while he grew his career and put mine on hold. We agreed on this! Nobody's fault! As time went on he did get very controlling with money. It was his way to make sure I didn't go anywhere. This is truth, he admitted this. I didn't think that he would do this when we made that agreement. We also agreed we would be 50/50 partners and that did NOT happen! I absolutely did not expect him to take full financial responsibility. He wanted me home. I told him I could work but it was an agreement on both our parts.

I do agree that I need to take care of my issues! This was not his fault. I was trying to get away from the whole situation. Him, myself and us. I do need to take responsibility for myself, my life and my actions. I'm working in that. I really agree with much of what you said aside from me expecting him to pay for everything. This was 100% a mutual decision and even with that, I still did jobs here and there just not full time.

 

But yes, lots of what you write is true!

 

OK, well and good, but....

 

What steps are you taking to fix this?

 

In most of my posts, I advocate you taking action, making a plan, looking at all this as a long game. Is this what you are doing or are you making it up as you go. What may explain some of the motivation for your affair is just this. You live for the moment, and do not plan long term.

 

In your present situation, you need to plan out a path forward, and set goals.

 

What should these be? Getting self sufficient, could be a large one.

 

Changing the dynamic of your relationship could be another. BTW, you will have to do no matter what. You divorce, you and him will have to co-parent, and that will require new skills. If you reconcile that will also need new skills and behaviors. This will all take time, and require discipline to stay on track and a plan on how you are going to get there.

 

What is your goals?

 

What is your plan?

 

Sitting passively is not going to save your marriage, make you a better person, or help your kids, and yes your husband.

 

Time to plan and act.

 

I wish you luck.....

[AlwaysGrowing]

I actually agree with a lot of this. When we got married, we agreed I would stay home with the kids and he would work. I stood by while he grew his career and put mine on hold. We agreed on this! Nobody's fault! As time went on he did get very controlling with money. It was his way to make sure I didn't go anywhere. This is truth, he admitted this. I didn't think that he would do this when we made that agreement. We also agreed we would be 50/50 partners and that did NOT happen! I absolutely did not expect him to take full financial responsibility. He wanted me home. I told him I could work but it was an agreement on both our parts.

I do agree that I need to take care of my issues! This was not his fault. I was trying to get away from the whole situation. Him, myself and us. I do need to take responsibility for myself, my life and my actions. I'm working in that. I really agree with much of what you said aside from me expecting him to pay for everything. This was 100% a mutual decision and even with that, I still did jobs here and there just not full time.

 

But yes, lots of what you write is true!

 

 

My point was not that you expected him to pay for everything...it is that financial independence comes from being financial independent....something he can not give you. You must give that to yourself.

[Jersey born raised]

My point was focused on the here and now. They are here because it was what he wanted and she agreed. Yet a health marriage must include supported mutual growth. This is very hard to do because first each spouse needs to accept what they do not want to hear and involves change they think they cannot do.

 

Ws1 understand the adultery was/is rooted in your belief you cannot achieve your goal by yourself. The OM was a horrific support group you tried to use. You are not morning for the loss of OM but that you did not achieve your goal.

 

Your husband believes his only worth and hope of saving the marriage a control of finances. At some level he may feel this happened because he does not make enough money. Do you see the feedback loop: WS commit adultery because OM is more successful because he makes more money, I cannot make more money, I am a failure. Your mourning tells you not only OM is a superior provider but also his sexual prowess is far greater. This cycle you must stop to save the marriage. Part of the solution must include greater independence for yourself but the bulk of the time now must be spent healing the marriage caused by adultery.

[AlwaysGrowing]

My point was focused on the here and now. They are here because it was what he wanted and she agreed. Yet a health marriage must include supported mutual growth. This is very hard to do because first each spouse needs to accept what they do not want to hear and involves change they think they cannot do.

 

Ws1 understand the adultery was/is rooted in your belief you cannot achieve your goal by yourself. The OM was a horrific support group you tried to use. You are not morning for the loss of OM but that you did not achieve your goal.

 

Your husband believes his only worth and hope of saving the marriage a control of finances. At some level he may feel this happened because he does not make enough money. Do you see the feedback loop: WS commit adultery because OM is more successful because he makes more money, I cannot make more money, I am a failure. Your mourning tells you not only OM is a superior provider but also his sexual prowess is far greater. This cycle you must stop to save the marriage. Part of the solution must include greater independence for yourself but the bulk of the time now must be spent healing the marriage caused by adultery.

 

 

Maybe I missed the posts where the OP is mourning over the AP...or the posts where the AP is a superior provider...or the posts where the AP has this sexual prowess...I believe OP said it was one time and a quicky.

[Ws2016]

Maybe I missed the posts where the OP is mourning over the AP...or the posts where the AP is a superior provider...or the posts where the AP has this sexual prowess...I believe OP said it was one time and a quicky.

 

 

Correct. It was a VERY short affair. One time physical and I have no clue about his finances. My husband makes a lot of money I should add.

[ladydesigner]

I think it has a lot to do with the way I coped with my marriage, yes!

 

Ws I would work with this with your IC. It's the same issue I have and my WH has. We do not cope well at all. Both of us come from abusive backgrounds as well. I had a revenge A after I discovered my WH's first A. Totally not the way to cope, I paid a high price for that and still do! Been working on my coping skills ever since my suicide attempt. It is worth it's weight in gold. Good cognitive therapy too

[Ws2016]

Hi all. It's been a few days. Lots have happened. I told my husband that I thought a lot (Especially after reading a lot here) that I have a lot of resentment and I need to work in that. I told him one of the biggest reasons I am recentful is because he keeps me in the dark with the finances and I never felt like his equal. I asked him for access to all the credit cards and anything else and asked if we could sit down and talk about finances so I can get over it already so we can concentrate on him and his healing ( I know lots of people said the infidelity had to come first, but I wanted to be in it wholeheartedly and couldn't be able to unless this was cleared up) well he got defensive and didn't want to give me the passwords. I asked why and he made up excuses. Finally I insisted and he finally admitted he has been lying to me for years about our debts. He admitted to lying to me for years and now I know why I felt like there was a disconnect. He lied for years. He did this 10 years ago and swore he would never do it again.

Basically, we are just a mess!! I don't even know what to do now. I know, we should just end it. He lied and betrayed me, I cheated and betrayed him even worse! I am just a mess. So confused, so broken, so is he. It's just a huge mess.

 

ETA: I am not taking any blame away from myself. I just want to be clear about that. No matter what he did, me cheating was not the answer and nobody's fault but my own.

[Marc878]

Does he have a spending or gambling problem?

[Ws2016]

Does he have a spending or gambling problem?

 

He spends a lot on gaming. I don't know if its gambling really but I think things just added up over the years and he kept it from me. I asked him in several occasions if we are okay and he would get all defensive and say he has it under control. I just let it go because I didn't want him to get mad.

[ladydesigner]

Hi all. It's been a few days. Lots have happened. I told my husband that I thought a lot (Especially after reading a lot here) that I have a lot of resentment and I need to work in that. I told him one of the biggest reasons I am recentful is because he keeps me in the dark with the finances and I never felt like his equal. I asked him for access to all the credit cards and anything else and asked if we could sit down and talk about finances so I can get over it already so we can concentrate on him and his healing ( I know lots of people said the infidelity had to come first, but I wanted to be in it wholeheartedly and couldn't be able to unless this was cleared up) well he got defensive and didn't want to give me the passwords. I asked why and he made up excuses. Finally I insisted and he finally admitted he has been lying to me for years about our debts. He admitted to lying to me for years and now I know why I felt like there was a disconnect. He lied for years. He did this 10 years ago and swore he would never do it again.

Basically, we are just a mess!! I don't even know what to do now. I know, we should just end it. He lied and betrayed me, I cheated and betrayed him even worse! I am just a mess. So confused, so broken, so is he. It's just a huge mess.

 

ETA: I am not taking any blame away from myself. I just want to be clear about that. No matter what he did, me cheating was not the answer and nobody's fault but my own.

 

 

That's bad too, financial infidelity and lying about it for so long. Trust lost on both sides I'm sorry. Well you both certainly can have a starting point now to work from.

[BluesPower]

I know that this is rough. But, at least you understand some of the disconnect that was going on. Take your time with this, at least you know what is going on.

 

It may be really bad, but it can be dealt with. Don't jump just yet.

 

When I realized everything about my wife's addiction, I was just completely freaked out. We are not over it yet, bet we have made great progress with everything.

 

This is just another thing. Just don't quit.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Every story has to have a twist....sometimes you just have to wait for it.

 

Good luck

[Ws2016]

I know that this is rough. But, at least you understand some of the disconnect that was going on. Take your time with this, at least you know what is going on.

 

It may be really bad, but it can be dealt with. Don't jump just yet.

 

When I realized everything about my wife's addiction, I was just completely freaked out. We are not over it yet, bet we have made great progress with everything.

 

This is just another thing. Just don't quit.

 

 

I'm not going anywhere. This is just another hurdle. I just don't know how we can fix all of this. It's just one thing in top of another. He doesn't think its that huge of a deal either which scares me. I can own what I did. He said sorry but not sure if he is owning it.

[BluesPower]

WS, this is doable, I think you are thinking about it wrong.

 

The fact is that "It is just another thing". It feels like life is just piling on, I get that.

 

He knows that he will have to come clean about this sooner or later. Just keep working and I think pretty soon he may open up about this issue.

 

Hang in there....

Edited September 20, 2016 by BluesPower

[Ws2016]

My BS has not touched me since my affair. It's going in 3 months. I totally understand of course but I think he is disgusted and might never touch me again and if he does, I don't know if I can even go there knowing he is disgusted by me.

How do you deal with intimacy after betrayal?

[Ws2016]

WS, this is doable, I think you are thinking about it wrong.

 

The fact is that "It is just another thing". It feels like life is just piling on, I get that.

 

He knows that he will have to come clean about this sooner or later. Just keep working and I think pretty soon he may open up about this issue.

 

Hang in there....

 

 

Thank god for therapy. That's all I can say right now.

[kgcolonel]

WS. What do you want from him now....I as a husband of 32 years know that if this were me, I'd need to start over....from the very beginning.

 

Are you looking for a physical connection or both emotional and physical....you might start with holding hands....I.e. Sit infront of him, and tell him how much you regret your A and then tell him that you're with him through the financial infedelity and you're committed to rebuilding your life together, but only do this "sitting directly infront of him, holding both of his hands". Don't try to take this beyond that point at this time but you have physically connected with him and begun to give him a safe place to emotionally reside. Continue doing this to retrain his thinking that he does indeed have a safe place.

 

One note from your other thread, do not connect the affair with the financial infeldility. Address them independently and let him bring up the finances as he is just as ashamed of his trip as you are yours......many men see their earnings and financial provisions as their self worth.

[Ws2016]

WS. What do you want from him now....I as a husband of 32 years know that if this were me, I'd need to start over....from the very beginning.

 

Are you looking for a physical connection or both emotional and physical....you might start with holding hands....I.e. Sit infront of him, and tell him how much you regret your A and then tell him that you're with him through the financial infedelity and you're committed to rebuilding your life together, but only do this "sitting directly infront of him, holding both of his hands". Don't try to take this beyond that point at this time but you have physically connected with him and begun to give him a safe place to emotionally reside. Continue doing this to retrain his thinking that he does indeed have a safe place.

 

One note from your other thread, do not connect the affair with the financial infeldility. Address them independently and let him bring up the finances as he is just as ashamed of his trip as you are yours......many men see their earnings and financial provisions as their self worth.

 

Okay, that's a good start. I am certainly not thinking anything sexual right now. I am just thinking, if he can't even hold my hand, how do we ever even start to get a physical connection? We didn't really have one to start with. Is this even possible?

You are very much correct, his self worth is related to finances. He is feeling like crap over what I did AND he has to deal with this. His self esteem is in the gutter right now. I certainly won't kick him while he is down.

[understand50]

Ws2016,

 

Usually its the other way around. Look, on a fundamental level it is him, not you. Please do not beat yourself up. Also realize that this is something deep in is mind, and he may not be really able to express what he is feeling.

 

Try dating and just being with each other, and see where it goes.

 

I wish you luck....

Edited September 20, 2016 by understand50

[kgcolonel]

Cook a meal with his favorite entree and your favorite sides....tell him you are starting with the meal. Also, there are two books I highly suggest you get and read, the first is "the proper care and feeding of husbands" (very empowering for you) and "love languages" to understand what efforts will mean the most to him and allow you to talk to him about what will mean the most to you.

[understand50]

Ws2016,

 

Financial infidelity is just as deadly as sexual infidelity, take it from one who been trough both. In many ways how to respond is the same. Full disclosure, and then a plan to get back on a even keel. You are going to see lying, hiding and all the other things that go with betraying a spouse. Time to audit, and then have both you monitor each other spending together.

 

 

You have stated to your credit, that this does not let you off the hook for you cheating, but it does show a marriage that is in deeper crisis then what you thought was.

 

1) Both these issues are not going to "Fixed" overnight, and will require commitment from both of you to get through.

 

2) The best thing now is open, honest, and full communication, between you both.

 

You both can come out of this stronger then before, but do not think that it will be easy, or not require hard work on both sides.

 

I wish you luck...

[Ws2016]

Ws2016,

 

Financial infidelity is just as deadly as sexual infidelity, take it from one who been trough both. In many ways how to respond is the same. Full disclosure, and then a plan to get back on a even keel. You are going to see lying, hiding and all the other things that go with betraying a spouse. Time to audit, and then have both you monitor each other spending together.

 

 

You have stated to your credit, that this does not let you off the hook for you cheating, but it does show a marriage that is in deeper crisis then what you thought was.

 

1) Both these issues are not going to "Fixed" overnight, and will require commitment from both of you to get through.

 

2) The best thing now is open, honest, and full communication, between you both.

 

You both can come out of this stronger then before, but do not think that it will be easy, or not require hard work on both sides.

 

I wish you luck...

Thank you!! I appreciate it.