I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[AlwaysGrowing]

My BS has not touched me since my affair. It's going in 3 months. I totally understand of course but I think he is disgusted and might never touch me again and if he does, I don't know if I can even go there knowing he is disgusted by me.

How do you deal with intimacy after betrayal?

 

 

Have you tried initiating?

[Ws2016]

Have you tried initiating?

 

No. He made it clear not to touch him. Plus, I want to make sure all my STD tests are clear. I have to do HIV at 3 months. I could never sleep with him until I know 100% I'm okay. But, it feels weird not to be able to even hug him.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Have you tried touching him lightly when you are passing him in the kitchen or reaching for the remote? Have you tried to rest your hand on his knee or on his hand when you are having these difficult discussions? Do you face him and look at his face when he is talking or expressing his pain?

 

And on the flip of that....when you are expressing your thoughts and feelings....are you turned towards him or away?

Edited September 20, 2016 by AlwaysGrowing

[Mr Blunt]

By Ws2016

He lied and betrayed me, I cheated and betrayed him even worse! I am just a mess. So confused, so broken, so is he. It's just a huge mess.

 

 

 

 

Financial infidelity plus sexual infidelity!

 

You are not BOTH broken! If you were both broken you both would do one of the following:

 

1 Divorce

 

 

2 Make up your minds that you both are going to be completely honest, 100% sincere in diligently seeking forgiveness for each other, and get busy taking every ACTION possible to get rid of resentments and replace the resentments with forgiveness and accountability.

 

 

Words are not enough, ACTIONS in the area of a change in heart are what is needed! That is soley BOTH of your responsibilities!

[Marc878]

He spends a lot on gaming. I don't know if its gambling really but I think things just added up over the years and he kept it from me. I asked him in several occasions if we are okay and he would get all defensive and say he has it under control. I just let it go because I didn't want him to get mad.

 

Your affair aside. This is your marriage life too. Financial stability should be understood by both of you.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You began this journey with a post complaining that your husband was abusive to you...and that he was not "getting over" your affair fast enough. Then you tell us you are not really complaining...

 

Now you are complaining that your husband won't touch you...but then say that you have no intention of having sex with him until after you are tested for HIV's at three months. So if you are not going to have sex with him until after all your tests are back...why are you complaining that he won't have sex?

 

I guess I am really confused....

 

You say you had a terrible marriage....and now you find out he has "betrayed you" financially for years....and now you are trying to establish yourself independent from him.

 

I am a reconciliation supporter. However...there has to be something that exists within the "broken" relationship that can be repaired.

 

In this story...that "something" seems to have never been there...and it certainly is not there now.

 

I wonder if it might be more beneficial for the two people in this relationship..to work on personal improvement...and concentrate on personal healing...rather than trying to rebuild a relationship that has been "broken" from the beginning.

 

It is your call of course....and you know the intricacies of this story much better than I do.

 

If you look around Loveshack...you will find many "broken" people. Their stories have many twists and turns...just like yours.

 

Whatever you decide to do...I wish you healing

[Ws2016]

You began this journey with a post complaining that your husband was abusive to you...and that he was not "getting over" your affair fast enough. Then you tell us you are not really complaining...

 

Now you are complaining that your husband won't touch you...but then say that you have no intention of having sex with him until after you are tested for HIV's at three months. So if you are not going to have sex with him until after all your tests are back...why are you complaining that he won't have sex?

 

I guess I am really confused....

 

You say you had a terrible marriage....and now you find out he has "betrayed you" financially for years....and now you are trying to establish yourself independent from him.

 

I am a reconciliation supporter. However...there has to be something that exists within the "broken" relationship that can be repaired.

 

In this story...that "something" seems to have never been there...and it certainly is not there now.

 

I wonder if it might be more beneficial for the two people in this relationship..to work on personal improvement...and concentrate on personal healing...rather than trying to rebuild a relationship that has been "broken" from the beginning.

 

It is your call of course....and you know the intricacies of this story much better than I do.

 

If you look around Loveshack...you will find many "broken" people. Their stories have many twists and turns...just like yours.

 

Whatever you decide to do...I wish you healing

Seriously wish I never said the one thing about him being verbally abusive. He stopped. It was fresh when I first said it, he stopped and I never brought it up again.

I don't know how I am coming across complaining, I am explaining the situation and asking questions. I even said "I totally understand him not wanting to touch me right now" intimacy does not equal sex. I didn't say anything about it like wondering why he isn't having sex with me NOW. I just want to comfort him and hold him and he won't let me. If we can't hold hands after 3 months, I don't know if we can ever get intimacy back (we had it big time in the beginning of our relationship then it went away)

As far as him not getting over it fast enough, I also do not feel like that. I fully expect him to take 2 years. I am okay with THIS! I was not okay if the next two years meant being verBally abused(which I stated that has stopped)

 

I agree, we both have to concentrate on healing ourselves right now and not the relationship.

Maybe it can't be repaired but I'm not going to at least give this a chance now that everything is out in the open.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Seriously wish I never said the one thing about him being verbally abusive. He stopped. It was fresh when I first said it, he stopped and I never brought it up again.

I don't know how I am coming across complaining, I am explaining the situation and asking questions. I even said "I totally understand him not wanting to touch me right now" intimacy does not equal sex. I didn't say anything about it like wondering why he isn't having sex with me NOW. I just want to comfort him and hold him and he won't let me. If we can't hold hands after 3 months, I don't know if we can ever get intimacy back (we had it big time in the beginning of our relationship then it went away)

As far as him not getting over it fast enough, I also do not feel like that. I fully expect him to take 2 years. I am okay with THIS! I was not okay if the next two years meant being verBally abused(which I stated that has stopped)

 

I agree, we both have to concentrate on healing ourselves right now and not the relationship.

Maybe it can't be repaired but I'm not going to at least give this a chance now that everything is out in the open.

 

it will take the rest of your life...are you ok with that? There is no magic pill or magic timeline. You will not miraculously wake up and declare everything to be healed. TRUST ME...it does not work this way. This commitment to reconciliation is a lifetime commitment....

 

What happens in 15 years when he still has bouts of depression? When he still triggers? When he still asks you a question about your betrayal? It will happen...I am telling you it is never "over". Those times certainly become further apart....but they still happen. You don't just put your affair up on a shelf in a box...never to be brought up again. Will you be resentful then? Will you be back here asking when is he going to "get over" this? Because he will NEVER "get over" it. He will learn to live with it....and that process takes forever.

 

Let me ask you this...how long has it been since you have been really intimate with your husband...by your own definition.....? and why in the world would you expect that after all you have been through....that he would want to be intimate now? (your definition)

[understand50]

Ws2016,

 

In many ways I do not think you are facing just how big a hole you and your husband are in. From you r cheating, and his overspending, this will take time. As many of us have stated, reconciliation from infidelity is a life long process. You really need to accept this, if you are to have a chance going forward. As to the financial, you must realize, you both are going to have to audit your money together, to insure this does not happen again. There is also the large debts, I am sure that must be paid back. Point is, this problem will be around for some time.

 

I have stated, you need to have some type of plan to go forward, some strategy that you can use to move forward, even if a little each day. You want to be more intimate with your husband, but touching seems to off the table. well, how about doing other nice things for him to show he is special to you and loved? I think too many people look at problem and get hung up on one path to solve, and do not think of all the others things they can be doing.

 

Think about what YOU can do to make this better, and if one things does not work, try another.

 

I wish you luck...

[Mrs. John Adams]

At two years....my husband had an RA.....and yet you expect in two years you will skip off into the sunset together....and live happily ever after.

 

I want you to take a look at the people who are posting here on Loveshack that are scarred by infidelity...look how long it has been for each of them ...and yet they are still here....still talking about it....still struggling day to day. They are here trying to help others NOT make the mistakes they have made....

 

You have seen many people tell you that experts say it takes 2-5 years for healing....but you have also heard people who LIVE IN THIS ...tell you it takes forever.

 

I do not want to be a negative Nellie...but I want you to know the truth...and I want you to face this with your eyes wide open.

 

My husband and i have been living in reconciliation for the past 33 years...34 years next month...and we STILL talk about it...we still have moments of depression...we still have triggers....

 

and the phrase "get over it" was removed from our vocabulary a long time ago.

 

Your journey has just begun....and I am asking you....are you in this for the long haul? Because this ain't EVER over......this is one decision that will be in your life...for the rest of your life....even if you divorce...

[Ws2016]

it will take the rest of your life...are you ok with that? There is no magic pill or magic timeline. You will not miraculously wake up and declare everything to be healed. TRUST ME...it does not work this way. This commitment to reconciliation is a lifetime commitment....

 

What happens in 15 years when he still has bouts of depression? When he still triggers? When he still asks you a question about your betrayal? It will happen...I am telling you it is never "over". Those times certainly become further apart....but they still happen. You don't just put your affair up on a shelf in a box...never to be brought up again. Will you be resentful then? Will you be back here asking when is he going to "get over" this? Because he will NEVER "get over" it. He will learn to live with it....and that process takes forever.

 

Let me ask you this...how long has it been since you have been really intimate with your husband...by your own definition.....? and why in the world would you expect that after all you have been through....that he would want to be intimate now? (your definition)

 

 

 

Okay maybe I should be more clear and rephrase that. Poor choice of words. I don't expect him to get over it. 2-5 years for healing I should have said. As far as intimacy, I don't expect a thing!! I am just trying to figure this all out and do what I can to help him. Healing your spouse book talked about the importance of intimacy (not in a sexual level) I am simply asking questions to do what I can.

I don't expect anything, I don't think he should be over anything, I do get what I did and I am doing my best to be there for him. I don't know if my words are coming across different then how I feel but it's not meant to.

[Ws2016]

Ws2016,

 

In many ways I do not think you are facing just how big a hole you and your husband are in. From you r cheating, and his overspending, this will take time. As many of us have stated, reconciliation from infidelity is a life long process. You really need to accept this, if you are to have a chance going forward. As to the financial, you must realize, you both are going to have to audit your money together, to insure this does not happen again. There is also the large debts, I am sure that must be paid back. Point is, this problem will be around for some time.

 

I have stated, you need to have some type of plan to go forward, some strategy that you can use to move forward, even if a little each day. You want to be more intimate with your husband, but touching seems to off the table. well, how about doing other nice things for him to show he is special to you and loved? I think too many people look at problem and get hung up on onge path to solve, and do not think of all the others things they can be doing.

 

Think about what YOU can do to make this better, and if one things does not work, try another.

 

I wish you luck...

 

Yeah, it's a huge hole. I am trying to stay positive and strong but it might not be enough in the end. I know this. I might be in a bit of denial but it's just me trying to stay strong because I am scared of what will happen if I really let this take over. I think marriage is work and the problem we had is we stopped putting work into it. I think you have to do that whether there was cheating or not. We stopped. We agreed that if we did R that it would be work. Every single day, we would have to work at it because when we stopped, that's when **** hit the fan.

A plan. Yes, that has not been established yet. I don't think we even know where to begin.

I will start to think of ways to make him feel special.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Okay maybe I should be more clear and rephrase that. Poor choice of words. I don't expect him to get over it. 2-5 years for healing I should have said. As far as intimacy, I don't expect a thing!! I am just trying to figure this all out and do what I can to help him. Healing your spouse book talked about the importance of intimacy (not in a sexual level) I am simply asking questions to do what I can.

I don't expect anything, I don't think he should be over anything, I do get what I did and I am doing my best to be there for him. I don't know if my words are coming across different then how I feel but it's not meant to.

 

Healing.. present tense

 

Healed.. past tense

 

Healing takes forever not 2-5 years

 

This is the part I don't think you comprehend

 

I never dreamed that 34 years later "it" would still have a presence in my life.

 

The elephant was in the room for many years.. we have put him outside in the yard... but every now and then he lets us know he is still out there.

 

I was 28....you are in your 40's

 

If it still lives in my yard... after 34 years... it surly will also still live in yours.

 

You will be in your 70's in 34 years

 

And your affair will still live in his mind and in his heart

[Ws2016]

Healing.. present tense

 

Healed.. past tense

 

Healing takes forever not 2-5 years

 

This is the part I don't think you comprehend

 

I never dreamed that 34 years later "it" would still have a presence in my life.

 

The elephant was in the room for many years.. we have put him outside in the yard... but every now and then he lets us know he is still out there.

 

I was 28....you are in your 40's

 

If it still lives in my yard... after 34 years... it surly will also still live in yours.

 

You will be in your 70's in 34 years

 

And your affair will still live in his mind and in his heart

 

I understand healing. Trust me. The biggest thing that made me get what an affair does is when I read it is like a death. My mother died 16 years ago. While I am never "over it" I have healed and come to terms with her death. I will never forget, I will never not have sad moments and I have learned to live with it. I understand an affair is the same. 2-5 years to heal from the shock, the anger the disbelief but never get over it. I get it more than you think I do. I might just not be saying it right.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The death of a loved one... especially a parent .. is something we all expect in our lifetime. It is normal.

 

The betrayal of a spouse is not expected...it is not normal behavior.

 

Your mother did not betray you... she died. You have no choice but to learn to live with it.

 

Your husband has a choice whether to ever trust you again. Your marriage as he knew it is dead. You can build a new one.. but you can never take away your betrayal.

 

I believe you understand loss... I don't believe you understand betrayal and the severity of it. I pray you do come to understand it.. but you have no idea right now as is evident by the things you say.

 

You tell us on one hand how remorseful you are.. and then ask about intimacy and length of time and verbal abuse etc.

 

You are sorry for what you have done I believe you... but you have absolutely no idea of the severity and the repercussions from it are.

 

You are defensive... and I understand that... I was defensive too. I did not "get it either" I have been right where you are... I know what you are thinking... I know what you expect ... I know what you are hoping for...

 

Welcome to the rest of your life... this is reality

[Mr Blunt]

Mrs. JA

I wonder if it might be more beneficial for the two people in this relationship. To work on personal improvement...and concentrate on personal healing...rather than trying to rebuild a relationship that has been "broken" from the beginning

 

BINGO!!!....One of the very important points that I have trying to make to Ws2016.

 

 

 

Ws2016, you are taking actions but as you have stated they are not helping you with your number one barrier and that is your resentments. Without you getting stronger and getting the resentments reduced or eliminated you are not going to get much personal improvement. Stop looking to your husband to help you with your personal improvement as he is too hurt right now.

 

You keep saying that you do not know what to do. Why do you not know what to do? You have therapist and have been given a lot of things to do on this thread. I have repeated myself like parrot and told you to get the right help from all sources and then DO IT! The help can get you going but the resentment part is going to boil down to you and God; no person can force you to have a change of heart and forgive.

 

Do not get defensive and hurt because I am talking blunt and stern with you. I am making posts to you because you are a potential candidate for overcoming your crises as you are honest and brave. You can only change yourself in the area of resentment and forgiveness.

 

 

 

 

By Ws2016

A plan. Yes, that has not been established yet. I don't think we even know where to begin.

I will start to think of ways to make him feel special.

 

 

 

 

WHAT!!....Why have you not got a plan?....MAKE A PLAN TELL US YOUR PLAN as maybe we can help you make your plan better.

 

Even if you can make your husband feel special; being special with being resented is not going to work.

[JohnAdams]

One bit of advice and caution. I am a BS as well as a WS, I had a revenge affair. Be careful in the ways you word things to your husband. I know several times you have said, you are not getting your point across or you are misunderstood. Your husband is weighing your every word. Since, in his mind, he must not have picked up on what you were saying or else he would have/could have possibly stopped you from your affair. Your wording can be critical to your healing. Subtle phrasing can have him analyzing your true meaning. I cannot over emphasize the importance of wording.

 

 

While I am here, I will also address the intimacy issues. What you did probably grosses your husband out. It is beyond betrayal, it is downright gross and a major turn off. The mere touch of you may gross your husband out. Perhaps he will move on beyond this, perhaps not. Anyway, two to three months out with no intimacy is a major red flag.

[Noirek]

Healing.. present tense

 

Healed.. past tense

 

Healing takes forever not 2-5 years

 

This is the part I don't think you comprehend

 

I never dreamed that 34 years later "it" would still have a presence in my life.

 

The elephant was in the room for many years.. we have put him outside in the yard... but every now and then he lets us know he is still out there.

 

I was 28....you are in your 40's

 

If it still lives in my yard... after 34 years... it surly will also still live in yours.

 

You will be in your 70's in 34 years

 

And your affair will still live in his mind and in his heart

 

Op, i know it is hard when someone picks and picks at you like they are your BS and yet you never did anything to them. They twist your words and pull them apart. This place can be truly awful. But other places are worse. And most people mean well. They want to help you. But sometimes they think their one life experience fits all.

 

For some people the affair is alive and huge in their life forever. That is the reality of choosing reconciliation for them.

 

Others do move past it. Different people have different paths and different reactions and experiences. Mr and MRs may spend the rest of their lives with her always being the cheater working on healing her BS. Other people, not so much. Some people genuinly get past it but humans aren't black and white and we change and unchange. Life can twist and turn. 20 years from now your H could decide to cheat on you and justify it in his mind because "you cheated first" but that would still be 100% on him and his responsibility because he would have chose to stay. Bs and Ws alike we are all 100% responsible for our own actions. We don't know how your life is going to turn out anymore than you do. The internet doesn't hold the answers. It can help and it can harm. Learn to take the help (not the enabling which can be hard). Basically if the words fill you with self hatred and hopelessness even of they weren't intended that way then they are not help. If they make you feel like what you did was no big deal then they are not help. They should encourage you to be better and do better. For yourself, your kids and your husband.

 

also, if you feel your counseller is coddeling ans not challenging you... Get a new one. Your paying for them after all.

Edited September 22, 2016 by Noirek

[ShatteredLady]

Some of the long established members here who experienced infidelity a long time ago are frequently misunderstood. They aren't posting because they have issues in their marriages that need help.

 

They derive satisfaction from helping others. Most of their lives are spent just like other happily married couple who are deeply in love & have very healthy marriages. They don't wallow in misery. They have learnt & grown. They are here to inform those new to infidelity what has & hasn't worked for them. They have extensive knowledge on the subject from many angles.

 

No-one is saying that, if you properly reconcile & become open, trustworthy, understanding, EMPATHIC people you will still be living with the anxiety, pain, lack of trust etc that you now experience.

 

The truth is, most days, weeks, months it eventually won't cross your mind (after REAL TRUE reconciliation) but there WILL be the occasional triggers. My Aunt experienced a terrible betrayal. That was 25 years ago. Her life has completely changed over those years. It's in the dim distant past. Very occasionally something will remind her & for a time, throw her back into the agony she lived. You can see it on her face. She needs a hug, sometimes a conversation. It doesn't control her life in anyway but it will never be completely forgotten.

 

There are a few things one can experience in life that truly devastates. For example my brother committed suicide. No-one can truly get-it unless they've experienced it but most have compassion. I'm not expected to just get over it. As a completely blind-sided BS I know how I've been forever changed, deep inside by my H's betrayal. Even I can't list all the 'things' I've lost. I can't explain ALL the pains. I'm not going to just 'get over it' but I will reach the stage that it rarely crosses my mind & it hurts a lot less.

 

If, when I'm 70, someone talks about how wonderful my marriage has always been. How loving & loyal my H has always been. How after 50 years of marriage we are great role models....will I feel a sting? I think I will.....

 

Will reconciliation be worth it? Obviously I hope & believe it will or I wouldn't still be here but the innocence has gone. I have learnt in the most brutal way that my H & my love story isn't what I believed it was. It sucks!! That DOES NOT mean that I think every day of the rest of my life will be under the shadow of infidelity.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I have not seen one single person here picking at the op. She is asking for help...she is asking what to expect...and what to do.

 

She is asking for experience. She wants reconciliation in her broken marriage. Her husband is angry and has shut her out...she is doing the best she knows how to do to make progress.

 

I have 34 years of successful reconciliation experience....Both my husband and i are here....so she gets both sides of the spectrum.

 

I have painted for here a very real picture of the road she is traveling. It isn't pretty..it is hard ...downright ugly at times...and she has just started her journey.

 

In my very first post back on page one...I told her...there would be lots of different opinions expressed here...some she would be able to use...some not...but ultimately she would be able to choose what best applies to her situation and ignore the rest.

 

I have been nothing but honest with her.....but i have not attacked her or treated her unfairly in any way.

 

We all have different opinions and handle our life experiences in different ways....and I have never said my way is the best way or the right way...as a matter of fact I have said don't make the same mistakes I have made...because i have made many.

 

We all wish her success...whether she is able to pursue reconciliation or she decides to divorce.

[DKT3]

Op, i know it is hard when someone picks and picks at you like they are your BS and yet you never did anything to them. They twist your words and pull them apart. This place can be truly awful. But other places are worse. And most people mean well. They want to help you. But sometimes they think their one life experience fits all.

 

For some people the affair is alive and huge in their life forever. That is the reality of choosing reconciliation for them.

 

Others do move past it. Different people have different paths and different reactions and experiences. Mr and MRs may spend the rest of their lives with her always being the cheater working on healing her BS. Other people, not so much. Some people genuinly get past it but humans aren't black and white and we change and unchange. Life can twist and turn. 20 years from now your H could decide to cheat on you and justify it in his mind because "you cheated first" but that would still be 100% on him and his responsibility because he would have chose to stay. Bs and Ws alike we are all 100% responsible for our own actions. We don't know how your life is going to turn out anymore than you do. The internet doesn't hold the answers. It can help and it can harm. Learn to take the help (not the enabling which can be hard). Basically if the words fill you with self hatred and hopelessness even of they weren't intended that way then they are not help. If they make you feel like what you did was no big deal then they are not help. They should encourage you to be better and do better. For yourself, your kids and your husband.

 

also, if you feel your counseller is coddeling ans not challenging you... Get a new one. Your paying for them after all.

 

Our one life story is a collective what not to do. None of us know exactly what she should do or say, what we do know is what not to do or say. Secondly she has had representative from all three sides of the Infidelity triangle and with the exception of a few the message has been consistent.

 

As far as exception go, someone has to win the lottery, but only a fool plans their future based on winning.

[ladydesigner]

Op, i know it is hard when someone picks and picks at you like they are your BS and yet you never did anything to them. They twist your words and pull them apart. This place can be truly awful. But other places are worse. And most people mean well. They want to help you. But sometimes they think their one life experience fits all.

 

For some people the affair is alive and huge in their life forever. That is the reality of choosing reconciliation for them.

 

Others do move past it. Different people have different paths and different reactions and experiences. Mr and MRs may spend the rest of their lives with her always being the cheater working on healing her BS. Other people, not so much. Some people genuinly get past it but humans aren't black and white and we change and unchange. Life can twist and turn. 20 years from now your H could decide to cheat on you and justify it in his mind because "you cheated first" but that would still be 100% on him and his responsibility because he would have chose to stay. Bs and Ws alike we are all 100% responsible for our own actions. We don't know how your life is going to turn out anymore than you do. The internet doesn't hold the answers. It can help and it can harm. Learn to take the help (not the enabling which can be hard). Basically if the words fill you with self hatred and hopelessness even of they weren't intended that way then they are not help. If they make you feel like what you did was no big deal then they are not help. They should encourage you to be better and do better. For yourself, your kids and your husband.

 

also, if you feel your counseller is coddeling ans not challenging you... Get a new one. Your paying for them after all.

 

I honestly don't know how patty-caking would help the OP and I haven't read anything that was too harsh given the situation. OP has been given brilliant advice from Mrs. Adams she knows what she's talking about!

[Noirek]

I honestly don't know how patty-caking would help the OP and I haven't read anything that was too harsh given the situation. OP has been given brilliant advice from Mrs. Adams she knows what she's talking about!

 

I am not sure what patty-caking is? I mean i know what the game is but I don't understand the context.

 

I just feel telling someone they will still be reconciling and dealing with this 34 years from now is rather depressing. Mr and MRs constantly say they are here to help and sometimes they are kind but mrs (not so much mr) constantly puts herself down. Talks about how she is still healing her husband from his affair. Their is this very strong sense that she is forever the inferior in their relationship. Their posts scream inequality on her side. And That may very well work for them. But too much of that for the OP?

 

She wants hope for a little progress. She said hey I want to know I can have it a little better in two years and then she is told 34 years and still reconciling. The thing is. If someone is two years in reconciliation with no contact firmly in place and the relationship is no better than it may be very well time for both the BS and the WS to move on from each other.

 

Life is too short and too precious to waste it miserable and groveling and in sackcloth for years and years on end begging forgiveness with your actions and your mouth. And life is too short and too precious to be unhappy, have your heart broken, wonder why you are not enough, have to watch your spouse's every move because you don't trust them.

 

OP was naive. Two months is nothing. You can't jump to the end and everyone knows that and wants to share that with her. I've heard 6 months recommended as a good checking in place to see if there is any progress at all (progress not arrival). I honestly think if no abuse is going on (and with a bs the WS is in strict NC) a year is a more realistic check in date.

[DKT3]

I am not sure what patty-caking is? I mean i know what the game is but I don't understand the context.

 

I just feel telling someone they will still be reconciling and dealing with this 34 years from now is rather depressing. Mr and MRs constantly say they are here to help and sometimes they are kind but mrs (not so much mr) constantly puts herself down. Talks about how she is still healing her husband from his affair. Their is this very strong sense that she is forever the inferior in their relationship. Their posts scream inequality on her side. And That may very well work for them. But too much of that for the OP?

 

She wants hope for a little progress. She said hey I want to know I can have it a little better in two years and then she is told 34 years and still reconciling. The thing is. If someone is two years in reconciliation with no contact firmly in place and the relationship is no better than it may be very well time for both the BS and the WS to move on from each other.

 

Life is too short and too precious to waste it miserable and groveling and in sackcloth for years and years on end begging forgiveness with your actions and your mouth. And life is too short and too precious to be unhappy, have your heart broken, wonder why you are not enough, have to watch your spouse's every move because you don't trust them.

 

OP was naive. Two months is nothing. You can't jump to the end and everyone knows that and wants to share that with her. I've heard 6 months recommended as a good checking in place to see if there is any progress at all (progress not arrival). I honestly think if no abuse is going on (and with a bs the WS is in strict NC) a year is a more realistic check in date.

 

Well if you're still married to your BH in 34 years then I will agree.

 

What gets me is in your story and with your comment here is you simply don't get it, and the lack of respect for what you've put your husband through is astonishing. Given a choice of ww to attempt to R with umm....

Edited September 23, 2016 by DKT3

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am not sure what patty-caking is? I mean i know what the game is but I don't understand the context.

 

I just feel telling someone they will still be reconciling and dealing with this 34 years from now is rather depressing. Mr and MRs constantly say they are here to help and sometimes they are kind but mrs (not so much mr) constantly puts herself down. Talks about how she is still healing her husband from his affair. Their is this very strong sense that she is forever the inferior in their relationship. Their posts scream inequality on her side. And That may very well work for them. But too much of that for the OP?

 

She wants hope for a little progress. She said hey I want to know I can have it a little better in two years and then she is told 34 years and still reconciling. The thing is. If someone is two years in reconciliation with no contact firmly in place and the relationship is no better than it may be very well time for both the BS and the WS to move on from each other.

 

Life is too short and too precious to waste it miserable and groveling and in sackcloth for years and years on end begging forgiveness with your actions and your mouth. And life is too short and too precious to be unhappy, have your heart broken, wonder why you are not enough, have to watch your spouse's every move because you don't trust them.

 

OP was naive. Two months is nothing. You can't jump to the end and everyone knows that and wants to share that with her. I've heard 6 months recommended as a good checking in place to see if there is any progress at all (progress not arrival). I honestly think if no abuse is going on (and with a bs the WS is in strict NC) a year is a more realistic check in date.

 

Let me address this for you...that way you get it straight from the horses mouth.

 

First...there are not a whole lot of people here that have been in reconciliation as long as we have...including yourself...how's that going for you? Still working at it? You always will. that's a fact...

 

Reconciliation is a lifetime...working at relationships is a lifetime. Marriage is a lifetime.

 

I have told the truth...reconciliation does not end...it continues forever.

 

It gets easier...triggers happen less....bad days happen less....but they do still happen. Reminders still happen....the affair never goes away. It is a part of your life...it isn't overwhelming....but it is still there. It's a scar you carry on your relationship.

 

My relationship with my husband is better than it has ever been. I love him more everyday and I cherish our relationship...and I am grateful that we are still together.

 

He is my best friend....and we are very equal partners. I am not subservient....I am not groveling on my belly...He is not the Lord and master.

 

We both treat each other with respect. I promise I am not the inferior in our relationship...lol As a matter of fact...I find that humorous. I am the aggressive vocal one...he is the quiet shy one.

 

I do not beg for forgiveness...I have already been forgiven...and we live a very happy life. We have children and grandchildren we love to be with...and we travel all over the world...several times a year. We love to share intimate quiet dinners with a beautiful bottle of wine...and a soak in the hot tub...or a dip in the pool....or a drive to the wineries in the convertible. We love spending time together.

 

So how you have come up with your perception of who i am and who we are as a couple...and the dynamics of our relationship is beyond me. Because you could not be more wrong.

 

I am here to encourage others who choose reconciliation...but I am not going to paint a picture that is not real. It is damn hard...especially at first...it gets easier...but it doesn't just miraculously just disappear. I made MANY mistakes along the way...if i can help someone else to avoid the mistakes I made I will do so.

 

WS2016...is fresh on her path...and she is confused and hurt...and frightened...and impatient. She wants everything to be better...and the truth is..it takes a really long time...and it may not ever get better.

 

If your reconciliation progressed quickly...wonderful...but I seem to recall that you have been here a long time...and there have been many issues for you...you could not adhere to NC....your husband struggled with your feelings for your AP....your reconciliation has not been picture perfect either.

That's what I am trying to tell WS2016. Reconciliation can have many twists and turns...ups and downs....good days and bad days....and it lasts a lifetime...and if you can get past all of the bad stuff...it is so worth it.