I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[ladydesigner]

Noirek infidelity never goes away I don't know how else to express this but to each his own.

[sandylee1]

All due respect to Mrs JA, but I interviewed a couple affected by infidelity recently. The husband almost left her for the OW. At the last minute in the lawyers office he refused to sign the divorce papers and they are now fully reconciled.

 

They don't talk about the affair any more. They are almost 30 years out of the affair. They are now grandparents.

 

She actually said once she forgave him and it took a good few years .... and even longer for the trust to come back ... that it's not helpful to keep raising it and it's not a time in their life she wants to revisit.

 

It's in their past is what I'm saying and it isn't on her mind all the time. I asked about triggers and she did say they were not a feature anymore .... but even though it's something she'll never forget. .... it doesn't occupy her daily thoughts.

 

Of course she nor he will ever forget the affair,.but they have a really good life.

[Mrs. John Adams]

All due respect to Mrs JA, but I interviewed a couple affected by infidelity recently. The husband almost left her for the OW. At the last minute in the lawyers office he refused to sign the divorce papers and they are now fully reconciled.

 

They don't talk about the affair any more. They are almost 30 years out of the affair. They are now grandparents.

 

She actually said once she forgave him and it took a good few years .... and even longer for the trust to come back ... that it's not helpful to keep raising it and it's not a time in their life she wants to revisit.

 

It's in their past is what I'm saying and it isn't on her mind all the time. I asked about triggers and she did say they were not a feature anymore .... but even though it's something she'll never forget. .... it doesn't occupy her daily thoughts.

 

Of course she nor he will ever forget the affair,.but they have a really good life.

 

I never said at any time it is on your mind all the time...i said it is a scar that remains on your relationship. You can certainly still live happily ever after...but to deny...that the affair never happened...to deny that it never crosses your mind...to deny there are not triggers...is a total and complete lie.

 

I promise you...every time either of us sees a certain car...we remember....every time we think about a particular ice cream...we remember.....every time we see a particular sport...or watch a movie about infidelity....we remember.

 

There are a lot of people on this forum that have been affected by infidelity...ask any of them...do you ever trigger...do you ever think about the affair...and I promise you the answer will be yes.

 

Is it an every day occurrence? Are we obsessed with it? Does it send us spiraling into deep depression? no

 

but is it still there? yes maam...it is

 

Do we have a great life...you betcha

[JohnAdams]

We are one of the very few couples that are on here. We can talk openly about anything and share all of our conversations. There are many on here without their spouse who talk about their infidelity but will not talk to their own spouse about it. How healthy is that? It is part of our martial history, just like anything else, so why should it be taboo? It certainly does not consume us. In real life no one would dream such a thing ever happened to us. Probably if someone interviewed me, I would downplay it. The only one I have to please is my wife and her me, and I think we do a pretty darn good job! There are those on here who have lived it and others who read books and forums.

[sandylee1]

Such an event will of course never be forgotten, but it reaches a point where it longer defines you as a couple. I know you (Mrs. JA) say you are in reconciliation and have been for 33 years, but this couple say they are reconciled. They don't see it as an ongoing thing. Not any more.

 

I actually had you and Mr. JA in mind when I was asking questions .... as a long term reconciled couple, because I note you always say we are in reconciliation as opposed to being reconciled.

 

Some BSs have a different approach and never want to talk about it after a certain point. It very much depends on the individuals. It's not a case of after 2 years the healing is done, but this lady said it isn't something they discuss any more, unlike you or others.

 

I actually realised it must have been a very long time they'd discussed it, because her tone of voice changed and became so low once the question about infidelity came up and he hung his head down. .....definetly a very dark time in their lives.

 

The thing is they looked like such a very happy in tuned couple, so together and in love .... and I had a lot of admiration for them ... I was so suprised when the answer to any infidelity was a yes, but my underlying message was to give the OP hope .... it's not a life sentence for everyone .

 

She doesn't think he'll do it again and she said she trusts him completely, BUT if he did. ....she would get on with her life as she's older wiser and much stronger than she was the first time. As a mother with 2 young kids.

 

It all depends on whether your husband can forgive you. That's a crucial part of all this of course. ... and in your case it's early days.

 

I read your latest post about the finances ... and I think that's a big issue for him. Knowing divorce will mean paying you spousal support and child support mean he will take a big hit. From what you say you've been suffering financial abuse all this time.

 

OP - I'm a big believer in financial independence. I hated not earning when I was on maternity leave. My husband is not free with money. Yes .. he paid every single bill when I wasn't earning ... but I didn't have any money at all. Apart from child benefit. It's depressing.

 

It's horrible and I just don't know why women put themselves in such a vulnerable position of not working and earning, if your husband doesn't see his earnings as joint funds that you have access to.

 

I've known women who have had to give their husband BJs for money. How humiliating.

 

If like your husband, mine wanted me to be a SAHM, then I would insist on having access to money. If it wasn't forthcoming, then I'd return to employment.

 

To end this long post .... I have to say I'm not condoning your infidelity. Regulars here know I'm not pro cheating like some of the ex WS or APs who justify their cheating. .... but your marriage had serious problems before and you just added fuel to the fire by cheating.

 

 

You sound terribly hurt and I honestly wish you good luck whatever happens.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Such an event will of course never be forgotten, but it reaches a point where it longer defines you as a couple. I know you (Mrs. JA) say you are in reconciliation and have been for 33 years, but this couple say they are reconciled. They don't see it as an ongoing thing. Not any more.

 

I actually had you and Mr. JA in mind when I was asking questions .... as a long term reconciled couple, because I note you always say we are in reconciliation as opposed to being reconciled.

 

Some BSs have a different approach and never want to talk about it after a certain point. It very much depends on the individuals. It's not a case of after 2 years the healing is done, but this lady said it isn't something they discuss any more, unlike you or others.

 

I actually realised it must have been a very long time they'd discussed it, because her tone of voice changed and became so low once the question about infidelity came up and he hung his head down. .....definetly a very dark time in their lives.

 

The thing is they looked like such a very happy in tuned couple, so together and in love .... and I had a lot of admiration for them ... I was so suprised when the answer to any infidelity was a yes, but my underlying message was to give the OP hope .... it's not a life sentence for everyone .

 

She doesn't think he'll do it again and she said she trusts him completely, BUT if he did. ....she would get on with her life as she's older wiser and much stronger than she was the first time. As a mother with 2 young kids.

 

It all depends on whether your husband can forgive you. That's a crucial part of all this of course. ... and in your case it's early days.

 

I read your latest post about the finances ... and I think that's a big issue for him. Knowing divorce will mean paying you spousal support and child support mean he will take a big hit. From what you say you've been suffering financial abuse all this time.

 

OP - I'm a big believer in financial independence. I hated not earning when I was on maternity leave. My husband is not free with money. Yes .. he paid every single bill when I wasn't earning ... but I didn't have any money at all. Apart from child benefit. It's depressing.

 

It's horrible and I just don't know why women put themselves in such a vulnerable position of not working and earning, if your husband doesn't see his earnings as joint funds that you have access to.

 

I've known women who have had to give their husband BJs for money. How humiliating.

 

If like your husband, mine wanted me to be a SAHM, then I would insist on having access to money. If it wasn't forthcoming, then I'd return to employment.

 

To end this long post .... I have to say I'm not condoning your infidelity. Regulars here know I'm not pro cheating like some of the ex WS or APs who justify their cheating. .... but your marriage had serious problems before and you just added fuel to the fire by cheating.

 

 

You sound terribly hurt and I honestly wish you good luck whatever happens.

 

Sandylee....

 

It is a process...an on going process...marriage is a process.

 

John and I rarely discuss my affair...we never discuss details anymore...or ask questions. But we certainly still discuss feelings...especially when prompted by discussions here on LS.

 

I can see that couples who have had infidelity in their relationship...bury it and do not discuss it anymore.

 

That's not what I am talking about. I am talking about living with the knowledge that it happened. I have said MANY times it does not define who we are as a couple....that we are happy IN SPITE of it. But it still happened...it is still present....

 

My wish would be to take it completely away...but i cant.

 

Look at the people who are part of the LS community....understand50....Mr. Blunt.....even drifter....

 

All have lived in reconciliation for many years...and even though they may not discuss it with their spouses anymore...it is still a part of their lives.

 

If you reread the things I say here on LS...you will see that I encourage Reconciliation....and I say never give up hope....but I do tell people...especially those who just want it over with...that it takes times...lots and lots of time....and sometimes....the betrayed just simply cannot forgive.

 

I am a lucky one....mine did forgive me...and gave me a second chance.

[Owl6118]

I think as with so many things its a matter of adopting the perspective that guides a person and a couple to grow in right, healthy, and honest directions.

 

I am stipulating here that I am tninking of couoles that have months and years of healthy work under their belt already.

 

Some will find that the metaphor of being on a journey (always recovering) guides tbeir thoughts and feelings in healthy directions. Others will find that setting a line eventually (we recovered) guides them best, lets them set down burdens of guilt and anger and frees energy to live in healthy directions.

 

The test for me would be what is right for that couple. If they are obviously growing in a healthy way, the framing they choose that feels true to them is doing what it needs to do, whichever frame it is.

[DKT3]

I think what the Adams are/ have been doing is a healthy option. But its only an option. My wife and I have adopted a similar approach. I get the sense that some feel it's a constant state hammering about the affair. In our case the affair was a decade ago and even with a delay in actually dealing with it we don't spend much time talking about it.

 

It's a lifetime journey because the BS will always have triggers. Every day for the last decade I usually have a thought about the affair somewhere between brushing my teeth and lunch. At this point it's a fleeting moment and I don't dwell on it. It's a life sentence that's for sure, but you know what so are kids doesn't mean we can't enjoy each other.

 

I think for most here they are at the starting line and can't imagine doing what they are doing now for the next 30 years. I promise you won't, it's get better, easier, Yet it doesn't go away. Not talking about it ever doesn't mean the woman that Sandy is talking about doesn't think about, because I would bet my house she does.

Edited September 24, 2016 by DKT3

[JohnAdams]

We know several couple that have gone through infidelity in their past. It seems that most couple can be categorized in a couple of areas; those couples that are in true reconciliation/reconciled and those couples who settle and move on. Unfortunately, we know more couples that fall into the settled category. Even here, you see BS's who experienced infidelity years ago and settled and stayed. Perhaps never mention it to their ws but have never recovered. Even those couples who eventually reach a point of contentment in their reconciliation, probably live in a state of settling for a long time. As my wife has stated many times reconciliation is a long term process. We are reconciled, but always in reconciliation. Perhaps it is just another way of saying we are always working to improve our marriage.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think what the Adams are/ have been doing is a healthy option. But its only an option. My wife and I have adopted a similar approach. I get the sense that some feel it's a constant state hammering about the affair. In our case the affair was a decade ago and even with a delay in actually dealing with it we don't spend much time talking about it.

 

It's a lifetime journey because the BS will always have triggers. Every day for the last decade I usually have a thought about the affair somewhere between brushing my teeth and lunch. At this point it's a fleeting moment and I don't dwell on it. It's a life sentence that's for sure, but you know what so are kids doesn't mean we can't enjoy each other.

 

I think for most here they are at the starting line and can't imagine doing what they are doing now for the next 30 years. I promise you won't, it's get better, easier, Yet it doesn't go away. Not talking about it ever doesn't mean the woman that Sandy is talking about doesn't think about, because I would bet my house she does.

 

I absolutely agree with you...and have said many times...each couple has to walk their own journey...what worked for me may not work for you.

 

But I do want those struggling to know what to expect...what can happen along this journey...it isn't picture perfect.

 

some people never get exactly what they are looking for. We know many people that have "settled"...don't get me wrong..they are happy..but they never got remorse...or they were never able to quite fully forgive.

 

There are those like Road...for example...who has been trickle truthed for thirty years...and it frustrates him that he has never been sure about the answers....but he stayed married...and he clearly loves his wife. He settled.

 

There is no one who knows i cheated except for my parents...we don't ever talk about my affair anywhere except here and with each other.

 

But like you DKT3...john still thinks about it....he still has occasional triggers...and I spent years not understanding why he could not stop it.

 

I have come to realize...he always will....and there is nothing i can do...except help him through those times by reassuring him how much i love him and how sorry i am for the pain i caused. It doesn't make those thoughts go away...but it helps him to know that i am still and forever committed to this marriage and to him. We all need to hear that.

 

I cannot take away what i did...but i can make my relationship the very best it can be.

[Timshel]

I divorced my ex husband for this very reason. I did not want to be in a marriage that I felt a sense of betrayal I would not be able to let go.

My strong suspicion was that he cheated on me in some way while I was in hospital with our last child.

 

In theory, with a spouse who is not a serial cheater, there are problems in the marriage that lead to infidelity. In our case, this is true. Rather than have years of angst over why or if it would happen again, I walked.

 

We are fine as co-parents and our children are doing beautifully. I guess I wonder, if there is something that a person is unable to let go of by many years later....why stay?

I couldn't see the point in it and have never once regretted it.

 

I would never need my ex to experience our marriage as some purgatory, always seeking redemption.

 

I definitely view honest reconciliation as admirable...but I guess that if it continues to be a 'thing' years later...don't understand the reason.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I divorced my ex husband for this very reason. I did not want to be in a marriage that I felt a sense of betrayal I would not be able to let go.

My strong suspicion was that he cheated on me in some way while I was in hospital with our last child.

 

In theory, with a spouse who is not a serial cheater, there are problems in the marriage that lead to infidelity. In our case, this is true. Rather than have years of angst over why or if it would happen again, I walked.

 

We are fine as co-parents and our children are doing beautifully. I guess I wonder, if there is something that a person is unable to let go of by many years later....why stay?

I couldn't see the point in it and have never once regretted it.

 

I would never need my ex to experience our marriage as some purgatory, always seeking redemption.

 

I definitely view honest reconciliation as admirable...but I guess that if it continues to be a 'thing' years later...don't understand the reason.

 

I guess it depends on what you call a "thing". You did the right thing for you....and I admire you for having the strength to make that decision. Not everyone is capable of reconciliation....believe me....there ave certain;y been times throughout our reconciliation that i have wondered would divorce have been the best answer for him....maybe he would have found someone else that would have loved him and treated him better. I guess we will never know....

 

But I do know this...even though there have been hard times in our 45 year history....I am happy....and I truly believe he is too. That's what we hope for in life....to be happy. Everyday is not always a good day. Life has struggles...for everybody.... But happiness is the one thing we all hope to achieve....

[DKT3]

I divorced my ex husband for this very reason. I did not want to be in a marriage that I felt a sense of betrayal I would not be able to let go.

My strong suspicion was that he cheated on me in some way while I was in hospital with our last child.

 

In theory, with a spouse who is not a serial cheater, there are problems in the marriage that lead to infidelity. In our case, this is true. Rather than have years of angst over why or if it would happen again, I walked.

 

We are fine as co-parents and our children are doing beautifully. I guess I wonder, if there is something that a person is unable to let go of by many years later....why stay?

I couldn't see the point in it and have never once regretted it.

 

I would never need my ex to experience our marriage as some purgatory, always seeking redemption.

 

I definitely view honest reconciliation as admirable...but I guess that if it continues to be a 'thing' years later...don't understand the reason.

 

I stay because she is the perfect woman for me, she is beautiful, super sexy smart and flawed. Oh did I mention I've loved this woman everyday since I'm 17 years old.

 

I do think about her affair, it doesn't overwhelm me, it's mostly a passing thought some times some like "what if, not for the affair".

 

These days it mostly relates to our teenage son who has recently put the puzzle together and is very angry with his mother.

[Timshel]

I guess it depends on what you call a "thing". You did the right thing for you....and I admire you for having the strength to make that decision. Not everyone is capable of reconciliation....believe me....there ave certain;y been times throughout our reconciliation that i have wondered would divorce have been the best answer for him....maybe he would have found someone else that would have loved him and treated him better. I guess we will never know....

But I do know this...even though there have been hard times in our 45 year history....I am happy....and I truly believe he is too. That's what we hope for in life....to be happy. Everyday is not always a good day. Life has struggles...for everybody.... But happiness is the one thing we all hope to achieve....

 

This thought though, after 45 yrs, why even think such a thing? Of course you are still together for a reason. The reason being that you love and respect each other. Because neither of you would have been more content without the other.

 

A long marriage does not occur by accident. In your case, Mrs. & Mrs. John Adams...it occurred by mature decisiveness, several times.

[Timshel]

I stay because she is the perfect woman for me, she is beautiful, super sexy smart and flawed. Oh did I mention I've loved this woman everyday since I'm 17 years old.

 

I do think about her affair, it doesn't overwhelm me, it's mostly a passing thought some times some like "what if, not for the affair".

 

These days it mostly relates to our teenage son who has recently put the puzzle together and is very angry with his mother.

 

 

You are committed to her and love her, I read that.

 

Why is this situation being told (at all) or in such a way that your son would react in anger toward his mother?

[Timshel]

This thought though, after 45 yrs, why even think such a thing? Of course you are still together for a reason. The reason being that you love and respect each other. Because neither of you would have been more content without the other.

 

A long marriage does not occur by accident. In your case, Mrs. & Mrs. John Adams...it occurred by mature decisiveness, several times.

 

Eta...Mr. and Mrs. Adams.

[Mrs. John Adams]

This thought though, after 45 yrs, why even think such a thing? Of course you are still together for a reason. The reason being that you love and respect each other. Because neither of you would have been more content without the other.

 

A long marriage does not occur by accident. In your case, Mrs. & Mrs. John Adams...it occurred by mature decisiveness, several times.

 

You are right of course...we have been together since we were 16 and 18....it felt right then...it feels even more right now.

 

I have one regret in my life....and that is my affair. It makes me sad when i think about what i did...and even though it makes me sad...I look at him and then i feel tremendous happiness...because of what we have achieved together...through hard work and perseverance. He did not give up on me...and that knowledge alone makes me happy. He loved me through my very ugliest days.

 

Reconciliation is not the answer for everybody....but it was right for us.

[DKT3]

You are committed to her and love her, I read that.

 

Why is this situation being told (at all) or in such a way that your son would react in anger toward his mother?

 

Not wanting to hijack the thread, keeping it short. My son was 4-8 for her affair and our divorce. Small but he is and was then very intelligent with a near photographic memory. He remembered things, and started to understand things. A couple years ago he started asking questions. He put together a puzzle that was inaccurate, when we've tried to correct him he simply says "dad I remember, I was there" he thinks she is being dishonest and trying to manipulate him and that I'm protecting her. He quoted me saying we were divorcing because daddy didn't want to be married anymore.

[Timshel]

This is an intensely private, individual and emotional subject...thank you DKT3 and Mrs. John Adams for responding to my questions. Agree, no thread jack.

 

My questions are sincere in that I am trying to understand reconciliation as it was not my choice but fully recognize that each relationship is unique and in the circumstance of real commitment and truly loving (valuing) the marriage, it is possible.

 

My mom and dad were able to reconcile after my dad had an affair. If my mom was holding it over him years later, I never knew.

[standtall]

Not wanting to hijack the thread, keeping it short. My son was 4-8 for her affair and our divorce. Small but he is and was then very intelligent with a near photographic memory. He remembered things, and started to understand things. A couple years ago he started asking questions. He put together a puzzle that was inaccurate, when we've tried to correct him he simply says "dad I remember, I was there" he thinks she is being dishonest and trying to manipulate him and that I'm protecting her. He quoted me saying we were divorcing because daddy didn't want to be married anymore.

 

Anybody involving minor children in any of this crap who thinks they're "old enough" or whatever is sadly mistaken. The emotional damage from them knowing too much is often not manifested until years later in their own dysfunctional relationships. Children simply do not have the emotional tools to handle this crap at a young age...heck most adults don't. It is disgusting how some BS's and WS's will use their children as tools in their spouse battles as emotional chips or "everybody should know the truth" veil.

[road]

Not wanting to hijack the thread, keeping it short. My son was 4-8 for her affair and our divorce. Small but he is and was then very intelligent with a near photographic memory. He remembered things, and started to understand things. A couple years ago he started asking questions. He put together a puzzle that was inaccurate, when we've tried to correct him he simply says "dad I remember, I was there" he thinks she is being dishonest and trying to manipulate him and that I'm protecting her. He quoted me saying we were divorcing because daddy didn't want to be married anymore.

 

Prime example of why an affair is exposed the children most be told. Just use child appropriate language. Children at 4 years old will understand the truth and be better of because quite often they grow up blaming themselves for the marriage ending. Only if they were a better child maybe mom and dad would still be together.

 

 

Example uses WW

 

 

Mom's and Dad's do not have BF's or GF's.

 

 

Well mom has a BF and is going out on dates with her BF.

 

 

Mom's BF is John POSOM (insert real name, the child needs to know who the OM is and to be able to identify who the OM is).

 

 

Mom will not stop seeing John POSOM so that is the reason mom and dad are getting divorced.

[road]

I stay because she is the perfect woman for me, she is beautiful, super sexy smart and flawed. Oh did I mention I've loved this woman everyday since I'm 17 years old.

 

I do think about her affair, it doesn't overwhelm me, it's mostly a passing thought some times some like "what if, not for the affair".

 

These days it mostly relates to our teenage son who has recently put the puzzle together and is very angry with his mother.

 

Glad you recovered.

 

 

If your son had known the truth from the beginning he would of had the time to process this and be healed from it. Instead he found out now at a very awkward time in his life. Making him feel that he was betrayed because he was lied to.

 

 

How did your son put the pieces together?

[DKT3]

Glad you recovered.

 

 

If your son had known the truth from the beginning he would of had the time to process this and be healed from it. Instead he found out now at a very awkward time in his life. Making him feel that he was betrayed because he was lied to.

 

 

How did your son put the pieces together?

 

In that moment we made the mistake of thinking we could keep it from him. Failed, what we needed up was thinking, rightfully so that he was too young to understand, but not realizing that someday would put things together.

 

Honestly you just can't hide things from your kids, they watch you like a hawk, they are fully functional they only lack the ability to comprehend things, with his ability to retain information it should have be obvious that we would be here someday.

 

How he put it together? As I said he is a very intelligent kid, and like his dad type A, it started with little questions about the divorce, then the why's. I should have recognized his thought process. He then took the information mixed in what he remembered and baked up a I'm pissed at mom pie. Very recently he started asking very pointed questions like why would you cheat on dad, it's actually really uncomfortable.

 

If I had a do over, I would most definitely find a way to.ore accurately explain the situation. What's done is done.

 

And yes he feels betrayed by his mom, it's shook his belief system. I'm just hoping that seeing us now will correct the ship. But I don't know how to convince him that his memories are inaccurate

[standtall]

In that moment we made the mistake of thinking we could keep it from him. Failed, what we needed up was thinking, rightfully so that he was too young to understand, but not realizing that someday would put things together.

 

Honestly you just can't hide things from your kids, they watch you like a hawk, they are fully functional they only lack the ability to comprehend things, with his ability to retain information it should have be obvious that we would be here someday.

 

How he put it together? As I said he is a very intelligent kid, and like his dad type A, it started with little questions about the divorce, then the why's. I should have recognized his thought process. He then took the information mixed in what he remembered and baked up a I'm pissed at mom pie. Very recently he started asking very pointed questions like why would you cheat on dad, it's actually really uncomfortable.

 

If I had a do over, I would most definitely find a way to.ore accurately explain the situation. What's done is done.

 

And yes he feels betrayed by his mom, it's shook his belief system. I'm just hoping that seeing us now will correct the ship. But I don't know how to convince him that his memories are inaccurate

 

 

All excuses to drag children into being pawns. Terrible. They do not understand adult dynamics, romances, betrayal, etc. They are friggin children and any spouse that turns a child against the other parent for what that parent did to their spouse is doing much much more damage than the initial betrayal. Shame.

[DKT3]

All excuses to drag children into being pawns. Terrible. They do not understand adult dynamics, romances, betrayal, etc. They are friggin children and any spouse that turns a child against the other parent for what that parent did to their spouse is doing much much more damage than the initial betrayal. Shame.

 

What are you talking about? We told him nothing other then daddy didn't want to be married to momma anymore.

 

However,in retrospect wish we would have done it differently

 

It's a huge miscalculation to believe you can hide this stuff from your kids. It's best they get the information direct from the source, after all it's his family too.

 

Hey William or Robert is it possible to move this to its own n thread, we have taken over here....sorry