I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[Ws2016]

You are right of course...we have been together since we were 16 and 18....it felt right then...it feels even more right now.

 

I have one regret in my life....and that is my affair. It makes me sad when i think about what i did...and even though it makes me sad...I look at him and then i feel tremendous happiness...because of what we have achieved together...through hard work and perseverance. He did not give up on me...and that knowledge alone makes me happy. He loved me through my very ugliest days.

 

Reconciliation is not the answer for everybody....but it was right for us.

 

I have a question. You have talked about your affair a lot, you mentioned your BS had a revenge affair 2 years later. How do you deal with his betrayal? I have read a lot about what you did to him, your regret, you helping him but how did his affair affect your relationship? I talked to my therapist in depth the other day about how I am feeling and how to handle things. She said that in order to heal, both people need to take responsibility for their role in how things got to the place they did. What I did was my own choice and I am responsible for what I did and I still feel repulsed in myself. However, my H has opened up about his betrayal and how he realizes he had a part in how things got so bad between us. We have actually had some amazimg conversations this week, we cried, we hugged! I told him I feel closer to him now then I have in 12 years and he said the same. It's because we both opened up, we both took responsibility and we said how sorry we were for not caring for one another. I am just curious about this because it seems as though you are full of remorse and its all about your affair but is it all about what you did?? I could be TOTALLY wrong!!! I was just wondering about this??

Edited September 24, 2016 by Ws2016

[Mrs. John Adams]

I have a question. You have talked about your affair a lot, you mentioned your BS had a revenge affair 2 years later. How do you deal with his betrayal? I have read a lot about what you did to him, your regret, you helping him but how did his affair affect your relationship? I talked to my therapist in depth the other day about how I am feeling and how to handle things. She said that in order to heal, both people need to take responsibility for their role in how things got to the place they did. What I did was my own choice and I am responsible for what I did and I still feel repulsed in myself. However, my H has opened up about his betrayal and how he realizes he had a part in how things got so bad between us. We have actually had some amazimg conversations this week, we cried, we hugged! I told him I feel closer to him now then I have in 12 years and he said the same. It's because we both opened up, we both took responsibility and we said how sorry we were for not caring for one another. I am just curious about this because it seems as though you are full of remorse and its all about your affair but is it all about what you did?? I could be TOTALLY wrong!!! I was just wondering about this??

 

 

He takes responsibility for his affair....his affair was short and did not involve intercourse....

 

I don't have a lot to say about his affair...I understood where he was mentally and I know why he did it. Had I not had my affair...neither would he...so even though it was his choice to cheat..I brought it on myself.

 

It took me a very long time to understand remorse...I could not understand why he could not just "get over it"....so my concentration has been on me....why did I allow myself to cheat...how could i improve myself...how could i become a better spouse.

 

I did not concentrate on his affair...I concentrated on me. His affair is on him...and he would be the one to discuss it with you not me. I cannot speak for him. I will say...it is resolved...I am satisfied.

Edited September 25, 2016 by Mrs. John Adams

[Ws2016]

He takes responsibility for his affair....his affair was short and did not involve intercourse....

 

I don't have a lot to say about his affair...I understood where he was mentally and I know why he did it. Had I not had my affair...neither would he...so even though it was his choice to cheat..I brought it on myself.

 

It took me a very long time to understand remorse...I could not understand why he could not just "get over it"....so my concentration has been on me....why did I allow myself to cheat...how could i improve myself...how could i become a better spouse.

 

I did not concentrate on his affair...I concentrated on me. His affair is on him...and he would be the one to discuss it with you not me. I cannot speak for him. I will say...it is resolved...I am satisfied.

 

 

Ohh okay. I was just wondering what healing together looked like. Thank you.

[road]

I told him I feel closer to him now then I have in 12 years and he said the same. It's because we both opened up, we both took responsibility and we said how sorry we were for not caring for one another. I am just curious about this because it seems as though you are full of remorse and its all about your affair but is it all about what you did?? I could be TOTALLY wrong!!! I was just wondering about this??

 

 

As an outsider to the Adams an not privy to all of Mrs A's inner thoughts. She does not point the finger of blame to lessen what she has done.

 

 

Mrs A posts as a WW that says I did the work to be a FWW.

She knows what happens during an affair, upon D day, and recovery.

Back in the day she had to learn all this stuff without the internet. She is Paying It Forward. She shares her experience and knowledge gained. So her view point will be that of what a WW that tries to OWN what she did and try to do what is needed to recover. While avoiding blame shifting.

[road]

He takes responsibility for his affair....his affair was short and did not involve intercourse....

 

I don't have a lot to say about his affair...I understood where he was mentally and I know why he did it. Had I not had my affair...neither would he...so even though it was his choice to cheat..I brought it on myself.

 

It took me a very long time to understand remorse...I could not understand why he could not just "get over it"....so my concentration has been on me....why did I allow myself to cheat...how could i improve myself...how could i become a better spouse.

 

I did not concentrate on his affair...I concentrated on me. His affair is on him...and he would be the one to discuss it with you not me. I cannot speak for him. I will say...it is resolved...I am satisfied.

 

When a man enters a relationship it is because he expects and gets full physical exclusivity with his woman.

 

 

Having an EA, going to lunch, out for drinks, even hide a dinner out as working late can be gotten pass relative easy for the BH.

 

 

For the WW did nothing more then share time with the OM. So the WW shares romantic, flirty texts/emails/calls with the OM, people talk.

 

 

So WW had a lunch date, dinner date, she either hid it as a work function or lied and said she was going out with her woman friend/s, People have to eat.

 

 

The WW touched the OM and allowed the OM to touch her. All bets are off.

What women fail to see when they minimize what they did during their affair even it they never went all the way or only had sex once is that the BH remembers every time his physical relationship progressed with his WW when he was courting her.

 

 

She must like me she said yes to a date.

1st date she let me hold her hand.

2nd date she let me kiss her good night at her door.

3rd date we kissed in my car for a half hour.

 

 

The BH sees how he progressed to get the relationship and the importance of how each step led to the next.

 

 

For the WW to give this up to the OM is the WW stealing from her BH. Then giving what she stole to her OM.

 

 

What makes it worse is all to often what took the BH a lot time and effort to get is when the WW gives it up all in one evening to her OM.

 

 

Evolutionary biological needs are programed in to us men throughout time. WW's never have to worry who the mother of her children are.

 

 

This is why BH's can not "just get over it already" after their WW cheated.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I completely understand now...

 

I did not understand then and will admit it took me many years to fully comprehend what my betrayal meant to my husband

 

Which is why I often say waywards just coming out of an affair have no idea what true remorse feels like.

They are sorry.. they have regrets.. but remorse takes time and complete selflessness. If as a wayward we still concentrate on our own feelings we cannot possibly put ourselves into the pain of the one we betrayed.

 

Everytime you hear the words I Or me in an explanation of a wayward.. it is a pretty good indication that they are still involved in their own pain instead of the pain of their betrayed.

 

When I stopped thinking about my own hurt my own disappointments and concentrated on the pain I caused.. I was able to fully empathize and experience the pain I had caused. My own pain became insignificant because my concentration of healing was placed on him instead of on me and in doing so my own healing also was perpetuated.

 

In my helping him... he was able to help me...and together we helped each other.

[understand50]

When a man enters a relationship it is because he expects and gets full physical exclusivity with his woman.

 

 

Having an EA, going to lunch, out for drinks, even hide a dinner out as working late can be gotten pass relative easy for the BH.

 

 

For the WW did nothing more then share time with the OM. So the WW shares romantic, flirty texts/emails/calls with the OM, people talk.

 

 

So WW had a lunch date, dinner date, she either hid it as a work function or lied and said she was going out with her woman friend/s, People have to eat.

 

 

The WW touched the OM and allowed the OM to touch her. All bets are off.

What women fail to see when they minimize what they did during their affair even it they never went all the way or only had sex once is that the BH remembers every time his physical relationship progressed with his WW when he was courting her.

 

 

She must like me she said yes to a date.

1st date she let me hold her hand.

2nd date she let me kiss her good night at her door.

3rd date we kissed in my car for a half hour.

 

 

The BH sees how he progressed to get the relationship and the importance of how each step led to the next.

 

 

For the WW to give this up to the OM is the WW stealing from her BH. Then giving what she stole to her OM.

 

 

What makes it worse is all to often what took the BH a lot time and effort to get is when the WW gives it up all in one evening to her OM.

 

 

Evolutionary biological needs are programed in to us men throughout time. WW's never have to worry who the mother of her children are.

 

 

This is why BH's can not "just get over it already" after their WW cheated.

 

Yes, this puts it really well. One of my early comments to my G/F, now wife, long ago, when she told me what she had done, was my surprise, at how easy it was that she slept with him, how fast it happened , and how long and hard I had to woo her. She gave herself away cheaply, and debased herself to some extent to me. It is part of the anger, that will always stay with me. =

 

In one of Mrs, JA posts she stated that John could never quite, "wrap his mind around why" That is a good line, it applies to me as well, and I think applies to most if not all BS, especially men. Cheating hits us at a deep level, and leave a mark. I still do not think my wife understands this, nor my perplexion with her actions over spending us into the poor house. Why, may be a question, WS spouses can never really answer, but if they could would go along way to healing both.

 

WS2016, knowing this, is power, as you can try and explain how and why, but if you could, you would be the first. Best thing is try. Try and ask yourself, and be ready when he asks the questions. You may never have a real explanation, but you can give an idea.

 

My 2 cents.

[Noirek]

Thank you sandy, that was really what I meant. I hated to see the OP discouraged because when the OP, at the time in a very dark place, reads 34 years they are going to think 34 years of hell and inequality. 34 years of now. Same as the BS. I think the 2-5 years is given because it gives hope and it is achievable. Of course the affair doesn't magically disappear. But when to reconciliation is done, not rug sweeping, in 2-5 years ish the marriage should be in a better place than when the infidelity was discovered.

 

But i think really it is a matter of semantics. What you call reconciling others would call reconciled and that is your choice. What John calls triggers others would call a passing sad memory and moving on. Affairs suck. It sucks that for me it will always be there that I did this. It is why early on I wanted to kill myself. It is why I went back to the affair. It was because I was self sabatouging and didn't feel I deserved reconciliation. I knew I didn't deserve I second chance so I despaired. And I hate to see others despair. And I wouldn't list drifter as an example of someone reconciling or reconciled.

 

Dk3, you are kind to be concerned about my husband. But he is happy. We have an amazing level of communication between us. And his eyes are quite wide open to my crazy. He has made his choice to stay with me (so far) and keep working on our marriage. I know the words of a cheater don't mean much but its all you will have on this. He has no interest in forums besides me sharing this or that to humour me.

[Noirek]

WS2016-

 

Remember, really remember, that the state of your marriage and your husband's money issues need to remain seperate from your choice to cheat. I know it seems like one big mess but it is very easy to sound like blame shifting, even when that isn't what you are doing. Even marriage counsellors can do this. So whenever you are discussing your affair really work on taking full responsibility. I.e. "I chose to cheat. I let my boundaries go/i had bad boundaries." "My coping skills need work" "This is 100% on me." Ect. And i cant remember if it has been said but please don't say it was a mistake. For some bs that word is acceptable. But let him use it first. That word means different things to different people and some people take it lightly or use it like the wors accident. It is best avoided.

 

I am glad you guys are making progress. How is your resentment? I would say until you let go of that and yourself you won't be able to be there fully to help him heal. I didn't resent my husband so that wasn't an issue with me but the affair itself was slowly starting to make me before it ended. Not a nice feeling.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you sandy, that was really what I meant. I hated to see the OP discouraged because when the OP, at the time in a very dark place, reads 34 years they are going to think 34 years of hell and inequality. 34 years of now. Same as the BS. I think the 2-5 years is given because it gives hope and it is achievable. Of course the affair doesn't magically disappear. But when to reconciliation is done, not rug sweeping, in 2-5 years ish the marriage should be in a better place than when the infidelity was discovered.

 

But i think really it is a matter of semantics. What you call reconciling others would call reconciled and that is your choice. What John calls triggers others would call a passing sad memory and moving on. Affairs suck. It sucks that for me it will always be there that I did this. It is why early on I wanted to kill myself. It is why I went back to the affair. It was because I was self sabatouging and didn't feel I deserved reconciliation. I knew I didn't deserve I second chance so I despaired. And I hate to see others despair. And I wouldn't list drifter as an example of someone reconciling or reconciled.

 

Dk3, you are kind to be concerned about my husband. But he is happy. We have an amazing level of communication between us. And his eyes are quite wide open to my crazy. He has made his choice to stay with me (so far) and keep working on our marriage. I know the words of a cheater don't mean much but its all you will have on this. He has no interest in forums besides me sharing this or that to humour me.

 

Yes noirek...you are absolutely correct ... my life absolutely sucks and I am a prisoner in my own home.. I wear a dog collar and my husband beats me on a daily basis .. he hooks me up to electricity and zaps me on a constant basis to brain wash me. Thank you for seeing through my facade and trying to save me from him.

 

I am at last free..

[DKT3]

Yes noirek...you are absolutely correct ... my life absolutely sucks and I am a prisoner in my own home.. I wear a dog collar and my husband beats me on a daily basis .. he hooks me up to electricity and zaps me on a constant basis to brain wash me. Thank you for seeing through my facade and trying to save me from him.

 

I am at last free..

 

In my opinion Noire has come a long way, when she first started posting I thought she was a legitimate sociopath, then I realized she was wanting to push her husband into leaving her. I mean it was one of the worst acts of betrayal I've seen here, she was actually not only cheating but giving her husband a play by play while absolutely refusing to even attempt to cut contact.

 

I think people in those shoes have a hard time actually facing the true gravity of the damage. Deep down I believe she feels somewhat justified with her affair and actions. She absolutely took advantage of her husband's weakness and exploited for a long time.

 

She has come a long way but still not fully there.

[AlwaysGrowing]

WS2016-

 

Remember, really remember, that the state of your marriage and your husband's money issues need to remain seperate from your choice to cheat. I know it seems like one big mess but it is very easy to sound like blame shifting, even when that isn't what you are doing. Even marriage counsellors can do this. So whenever you are discussing your affair really work on taking full responsibility. I.e. "I chose to cheat. I let my boundaries go/i had bad boundaries." "My coping skills need work" "This is 100% on me." Ect. And i cant remember if it has been said but please don't say it was a mistake. For some bs that word is acceptable. But let him use it first. That word means different things to different people and some people take it lightly or use it like the wors accident. It is best avoided.

 

I am glad you guys are making progress. How is your resentment? I would say until you let go of that and yourself you won't be able to be there fully to help him heal. I didn't resent my husband so that wasn't an issue with me but the affair itself was slowly starting to make me before it ended. Not a nice feeling.

 

 

Addressing issues within a marriage is difficult for some, addressing infidelity is difficult for just about all.

 

The greatest hurdle to overcome is our own coping mechanisms. A WS does not magically acquire more healthy coping skills on Dday. They have the exact same ones in play they had the minute before Dday.

 

Because those poor coping skills are still in place, most WS make many mistakes trying to "put everything back in the bottle". They struggle with ownership, due mostly to the lies that they have told themselves for so long. Because it is those lies that we tell ourselves that we can not see....for we were the ones that told them to self....and we trust self. To pose the question....do I tell myself the truth or do I distort the truth so that I can keep a positive view of self, would require insight. Most WS do not have that level of insight, for if they did...they would not be a WS.

 

FWS, who have been able to face themselves, search for where the "why" is rooted, pull that part of themselves out, examine it, acknowledge that they need to put extra attention on that part of them, practice new coping skills that work to enrich their life and to heal those areas of self....find that in healing self aided them in healing the relationship with their BS.

 

For one can not go on a journey of self without realizing that just as others have hurt us in ways that shaped us negatively, we have been guilty of doing the same to others. When we acknowledge that to self, we then feel remorse. No one wants to be the person who causes trauma so acutely in another. It is then, that a WS can change the dynamic on their side of the road. They hold themselves accountable to steer away from conduct that could harm others. The WS can then feel good/proud about who they are (no need for external validation of this), while at the same time provide a safe partner to their BS (who can now work on healing themselves). It is in the examining/reworking/re-wiring of self that a WS begins their journey to healing the relationship with the BS.

 

Being vulnerable enough to put the onus on I is a tall order. An order that requires humility, empathy, challenges, time, effort, honesty. An order that payoffs a hundred fold. Once we can see ourselves/others we can never not see ourselves/others. Living life with eyes wide open gives one joy, gratitude, contentment....peace.

[Mrs. John Adams]

In my opinion Noire has come a long way, when she first started posting I thought she was a legitimate sociopath, then I realized she was wanting to push her husband into leaving her. I mean it was one of the worst acts of betrayal I've seen here, she was actually not only cheating but giving her husband a play by play while absolutely refusing to even attempt to cut contact.

 

I think people in those shoes have a hard time actually facing the true gravity of the damage. Deep down I believe she feels somewhat justified with her affair and actions. She absolutely took advantage of her husband's weakness and exploited for a long time.

 

She has come a long way but still not fully there.

 

And I am not her enemy... nor have I lied about my relationship... and I have said over and over that I have a wonderful and fulfilled life and a very equally respectful relationship with my husband.

 

I don't ever say do it my way because I know I have made way too many mistakes and it took way too long.

 

But no one needs to say that I have lived 34 years in hell and inequality. It's disrespectful to me and to my spouse. When noirek has 34 years under her belt she can challenge me until then she needs to concentrate on her own relationship and offer advices based on her own experience and not challenge me on mine.

 

By the way a trigger is a bad memory... and I have stated that John's no longer consume him.

 

It appears there is a bit of selective reading and twisting of words and personal attacks going on and for the life of me .. I don't know why.

 

This will be my last post on this thread. Ws2016 has my best wishes in whatever she decides is best for her.

[Ws2016]

WS2016-

 

Remember, really remember, that the state of your marriage and your husband's money issues need to remain seperate from your choice to cheat. I know it seems like one big mess but it is very easy to sound like blame shifting, even when that isn't what you are doing. Even marriage counsellors can do this. So whenever you are discussing your affair really work on taking full responsibility. I.e. "I chose to cheat. I let my boundaries go/i had bad boundaries." "My coping skills need work" "This is 100% on me." Ect. And i cant remember if it has been said but please don't say it was a mistake. For some bs that word is acceptable. But let him use it first. That word means different things to different people and some people take it lightly or use it like the wors accident. It is best avoided.

 

I am glad you guys are making progress. How is your resentment? I would say until you let go of that and yourself you won't be able to be there fully to help him heal. I didn't resent my husband so that wasn't an issue with me but the affair itself was slowly starting to make me before it ended. Not a nice feeling.

 

 

Thank you. This is helpful. Yes, I see what you are saying. They need to be separate. That will be tough. But, working in it. He made his choices, I made mine. I think it's important for us to do our individual work to figure out why we made the choices. I mean, how we got in the place to make the choices is known but why did we make the choice we did. Me sexual infidelity, him financial infidelity. Those are two separate issues made by two separate people. Luckily, we are both going to IC to work through and in the end that will be a good starting point in R. I do fully take responsibility for what I did. It was nobody else's choice but my own. I did make the mistake early on calling it a "mistake" and he lost it!! I can say it now because he knows that I mean it was a bas choice, one made by only me. I still feel so disgusted in myself. We had a breakthrough over the weekend. He wanted to hug and be close. I just stiffened up. I feel like I dont want to be touched because I am still so disappointed in myself and I am just disgusted! I didn't realize I would feel this way until he came near me. I have to talk to my therapist about that this week.

 

As far as my resentment, this has got SO MUCH BETTER! I think the reason was because I knew there was something going on but I didn't know what. Not that I am happy about what he did, but at least I know now and we can move on in a more positive direction. He opened up, he told me things he has never told me. He admitted to doing a lot of things on purpose ect... He said he realized how wrong it was and him just opening up literally melted every bit of resentment I had away. Now, I feel like we can talk more openly and I can be a better help to him healing with a truly open heart.

[DKT3]

Thank you. This is helpful. Yes, I see what you are saying. They need to be separate. That will be tough. But, working in it. He made his choices, I made mine. I think it's important for us to do our individual work to figure out why we made the choices. I mean, how we got in the place to make the choices is known but why did we make the choice we did. Me sexual infidelity, him financial infidelity. Those are two separate issues made by two separate people. Luckily, we are both going to IC to work through and in the end that will be a good starting point in R. I do fully take responsibility for what I did. It was nobody else's choice but my own. I did make the mistake early on calling it a "mistake" and he lost it!! I can say it now because he knows that I mean it was a bas choice, one made by only me. I still feel so disgusted in myself. We had a breakthrough over the weekend. He wanted to hug and be close. I just stiffened up. I feel like I dont want to be touched because I am still so disappointed in myself and I am just disgusted! I didn't realize I would feel this way until he came near me. I have to talk to my therapist about that this week.

 

As far as my resentment, this has got SO MUCH BETTER! I think the reason was because I knew there was something going on but I didn't know what. Not that I am happy about what he did, but at least I know now and we can move on in a more positive direction. He opened up, he told me things he has never told me. He admitted to doing a lot of things on purpose ect... He said he realized how wrong it was and him just opening up literally melted every bit of resentment I had away. Now, I feel like we can talk more openly and I can be a better help to him healing with a truly open heart.

 

This makes sense. Most men will take the role of protector while women will nurture, sometimes the two conflict. Him attempting to protect you from financial issues interfered with your need to nurture, which caused the resentment.

 

Yeah you two seem headed for greener pastures.

[Cephalopod]

We had a breakthrough over the weekend. He wanted to hug and be close. I just stiffened up. I feel like I dont want to be touched because I am still so disappointed in myself and I am just disgusted! I didn't realize I would feel this way until he came near me. I have to talk to my therapist about that this week.

 

As far as my resentment, this has got SO MUCH BETTER! I think the reason was because I knew there was something going on but I didn't know what. Not that I am happy about what he did, but at least I know now and we can move on in a more positive direction. He opened up, he told me things he has never told me. He admitted to doing a lot of things on purpose ect... He said he realized how wrong it was and him just opening up literally melted every bit of resentment I had away. Now, I feel like we can talk more openly and I can be a better help to him healing with a truly open heart.

 

Not letting him touch you is not going to help with this. You have to fake it until you make it.

 

So no sex either since your A?

[Ws2016]

Not letting him touch you is not going to help with this. You have to fake it until you make it.

 

So no sex either since your A?

 

 

Nope. This weekend was the first time he has touched me. It was his choice not mine but now I feel so awful still. Like I don't deserve for him to want me. I have been told I truly don't understand what I have done but trust me, I do!

[Noirek]

This makes sense. Most men will take the role of protector while women will nurture, sometimes the two conflict. Him attempting to protect you from financial issues interfered with your need to nurture, which caused the resentment.

 

Yeah you two seem headed for greener pastures.

 

Not only protect but it can be very damaging to the self esteem to fail financially for many. Specially if that failure is due to a weakness.

 

WS, Self hate is terrible thing. I struggle with it loads. I talked to my husband about this and he said that to him reconciliation to him is when the mind movies, triggers and pain have faded and the forgiveness and love and trust have been rebuilt. but marriage always needs two people in it and it always needs vigilance. And commitment. Affair or no.

 

About the physical contact. While my husband never stoped touching me we did stop having sex until I was tested for stds. When I got the clean bill of health my husband reached for me and I broke down crying. I didn't expect that. I just felt totally dirty and worthless. We had had sex lots and lots before I confessed my affair and after my last time with xMM but their was no compartmentalization. He knew I had been with someone else this time. Well, he didn't want to have sex with a crying mess (b killer) and just helf me instead. I managed to choke it down and initiate it a little later. But I know how you feel on that.

Edited September 27, 2016 by Noirek

[Ws2016]

Not only protect but it can be very damaging to the self esteem to fail financially for many. Specially if that failure is due to a weakness.

 

WS, Self hate is terrible thing. I struggle with it loads. I talked to my husband about this and he said that to him reconciliation to him is when the mind movies, triggers and pain have faded and the forgiveness and love and trust have been rebuilt. but marriage always needs two people in it and it always needs vigilance. And commitment. Affair or no.

 

About the physical contact. While my husband never stoped touching me we did stop having sex until I was tested for stds. When I got the clean bill of health my husband reached for me and I broke down crying. I didn't expect that. I just felt totally dirty and worthless. We had had sex lots and lots before I confessed my affair and after my last time with xMM but their was no compartmentalization. He knew I had been with someone else this time. Well, he didn't want to have sex with a crying mess (b killer) and just helf me instead. I managed to choke it down and initiate it a little later. But I know how you feel on that.

 

That's exactly it. I feel worthless and dirty. I know it doesn't help anything but I can't help it. I did talk to my H about it and he understands. I need to get my tests back and work in my self loathing. I worry how this will make him feel so I'm a little lost on what I should do. I don't want him to feel like it's him.

[Cephalopod]

But you have to get over it sooner than later, because in his mind you are still pining for the OM. In his mind you won't have sex with him because you are trying to stay faithful to the OM.

 

It is messed up and not true of course, but that is the way a man's mind works.

[understand50]

But you have to get over it sooner than later, because in his mind you are still pining for the OM. In his mind you won't have sex with him because you are trying to stay faithful to the OM.

 

It is messed up and not true of course, but that is the way a man's mind works.

 

Ws2016,

 

And, in my opinion, the best way is to talk. Talk, and let him know what you are going through, listen and understand his point of view. I think 99% of issues and problems in a marriage, can be met with communication, to include the aftermath of infidelity. Of course, if you had been communicating, your affair, and his overspending would not have occurred.

 

We are blessed that we can talk, write and communicate. Why we choose not to, to our love ones, is sometimes beyond me. I include myself in this admonition.

 

I wish you luck....

[BluesPower]

Let me suggest this, there is a thing called the 25 day challenge.

 

Look it up on goggle if you need other details. Basically, it challenges couples to have sex 25 days in a row, whether you want to or not. I allows couples to re-bond after some type of issue or problem.

 

What happens is that the couple starts to crave sex with each other like they crave air or food. It jump starts the libido and creates a new connection.

 

It has worked for me in the past when there was this type of issue.

 

It may sound impossible or crazy but it really does work. You both have to commit to the process and not miss a day no matter what, but it will help both of you feel better about and crave sex with each other.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

what do you do when you regret an affair, came clean, answering every question, giving spouse access to phone, emails ect, letting him track me on my car, telling him every detail, going to therapy (sometimes twice a week) really showing how I know I screwed up and I take full responsibility ect.. But it's not enough? He says he doesn't see how we can ever work it out and he doesn't really want to but he hasn't left, he asks me questions and wants to talk to me about it all the time, he has been extremely verbally abusive and says I just need to take it for what I did. I am truly TRULY remorseful for my actions, I call it what it was.... A downright deceitful betrayal. No matter how bad our marriage was (and it was pretty bad but nothing abusive) there was no excuse for my actions. I see this!

 

 

Uh, no, you clearly cannot see this.

 

For not only was there no excuse for your having cheated on him, but you violated his right NOT to know for your own, further selfish reasons.

 

 

Taking "full responsibility" for beating someone over the head... is not beating them over the head again.

 

 

How come this isn't clear to all of the cheaters out there??

[Ws2016]

Uh, no, you clearly cannot see this.

 

For not only was there no excuse for your having cheated on him, but you violated his right NOT to know for your own, further selfish reasons.

 

 

Taking "full responsibility" for beating someone over the head... is not beating them over the head again.

 

 

How come this isn't clear to all of the cheaters out there??

 

Well both of my therapists would disagree with you but thanks for your input.

[Ws2016]

Let me suggest this, there is a thing called the 25 day challenge.

 

Look it up on goggle if you need other details. Basically, it challenges couples to have sex 25 days in a row, whether you want to or not. I allows couples to re-bond after some type of issue or problem.

 

What happens is that the couple starts to crave sex with each other like they crave air or food. It jump starts the libido and creates a new connection.

 

It has worked for me in the past when there was this type of issue.

 

It may sound impossible or crazy but it really does work. You both have to commit to the process and not miss a day no matter what, but it will help both of you feel better about and crave sex with each other.

 

I would for sure do this once my tests come back. I do not think I have anything but if for some reason I did, I really could not live with myself if I gave sinething to him. I can barely live with what I did as it is. I had a terrible day and just cried all day. I can't believe how I threw away my dignity, hurt my husband, put myself before my family. I am so disgusted with myself. I can't even think about sex right now.

 

I have not mentioned this because surely I would be accused of using this as an excuse but the night things got physical, a bunch of us went out after volunteering ( I have not drank in about 5 years and have not been drunk in 12) well I was already not in the right state of mind and just kept drinking. The guy started to feed me shots and I don't remember walking to the car, nor do I remember exactly what happened in the car. He for sure took advantage of the situation. NOT SAYING IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!! Just to be clear. But I can't help feeling violated on top of everything else. He knew exactly what he was doing but I should have never put myself in that situation so it's just as much on me.

 

However, I feel dirty, gross, disgusting, violated and everything in between. I can't even think about having sex because it brings back that night and this man who was not my husband all over me. It makes me sick to my stomach. I'm not playing victim here trust me!! It's my fault. I should have came home to my family and not lead this guy on all week.