I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[DKT3]

Sadly, not being sexual with your husband will likely be the death blow. It hard to understand how a woman could sleep with another man then as a result not want to sleep with her husband.

 

I think we here can somewhat understand, but you haven't betrayed us and we aren't emotionally invested.

[Cephalopod]

Just tell your husband you want to make sure you are STD free before you start having sex with him.

 

But that will only work until you get the test back. After that you will have to make a choice.

[Ws2016]

Just tell your husband you want to make sure you are STD free before you start having sex with him.

 

But that will only work until you get the test back. After that you will have to make a choice.

 

 

That's what I did and that's actually completely true. I want to be with him again but I want to be sure it's safe for him. I will work through how I feel about myself but that alone would not make me not sleep with him. It's because I want to make sure we are safe. My feeling about this will get better I'm sure. This alone would keep me from sleeping from him but it does give me time to work through these feelings. Luckily I am seeing my therapist in the morning and that is what we will start working in so once the tests come back I can be in a better place mentally for him and be 100% in it. If we did it now, I would be holding back, not on purpose of course but I think it would be worse. Plus, he said he totally understands that and he appreciates it and it makes him feel like I really care. We have been a lot more affectionate and that is enough for the moment. It will only be a couple more weeks.

Edited September 28, 2016 by Ws2016

[Cephalopod]

Do you show him affection in other ways? Spooning in bed, cuddling, random kisses, backrubs?

[BluesPower]

I understand that you feel that way. But look, you are no worse and any of us here. I have caught something before, was not sleeping with my wife at the time.

 

You really have to forgive yourself soon. You are not a monster. You were stupid for sure, but you are no monster.

 

When you know that you are clean, you need to go to him and make love. Put everything out of your mind, and F*** his brains out. He needs that for sure.

 

You need to lighten up on yourself a little bit...

[ladydesigner]

That's what I did and that's actually completely true. I want to be with him again but I want to be sure it's safe for him. I will work through how I feel about myself but that alone would not make me not sleep with him. It's because I want to make sure we are safe. My feeling about this will get better I'm sure. This alone would keep me from sleeping from him but it does give me time to work through these feelings. Luckily I am seeing my therapist in the morning and that is what we will start working in so once the tests come back I can be in a better place mentally for him and be 100% in it. If we did it now, I would be holding back, not on purpose of course but I think it would be worse. Plus, he said he totally understands that and he appreciates it and it makes him feel like I really care. We have been a lot more affectionate and that is enough for the moment. It will only be a couple more weeks.

 

What really helped me was when my WH started dating me again...like ALL OVER AGAIN! Not the sex... but the words of affection, getting to know one another again, slight touches and caressing. It needs to become a new relationship. The old M is dead and needs to be burried.

 

We make sure to schedule a date night every week.

[Ws2016]

Do you show him affection in other ways? Spooning in bed, cuddling, random kisses, backrubs?

 

 

Yes!! Last weekend was the first time he has come near me and we have been very affectionate since. It was weird at first but getting better. He is back in our bed too. We had not slept in the same room since it happened so making progress slowly.

[Ws2016]

I understand that you feel that way. But look, you are no worse and any of us here. I have caught something before, was not sleeping with my wife at the time.

 

You really have to forgive yourself soon. You are not a monster. You were stupid for sure, but you are no monster.

 

When you know that you are clean, you need to go to him and make love. Put everything out of your mind, and F*** his brains out. He needs that for sure.

 

You need to lighten up on yourself a little bit...

 

 

Thank you. I know I'm not a monster but still working on that. Once I get tests back I will for sure go there!

[Ws2016]

What really helped me was when my WH started dating me again...like ALL OVER AGAIN! Not the sex... but the words of affection, getting to know one another again, slight touches and caressing. It needs to become a new relationship. The old M is dead and needs to be burried.

 

We make sure to schedule a date night every week.

 

 

I feel like this is where we are heading right now. Like I said, up until last weekend he was in anger mode and would hardly look at me. After the financial issyes came out and we laid it all out in the table and promised to be open and honest from that day forward, everything changed. We are actually going to have lunch on Friday. We have not gone out together in months. Even before this, it has been months so this is a good step forward.

[Cephalopod]

Thank you. I know I'm not a monster but still working on that. Once I get tests back I will for sure go there!

 

You're not a monster. Just a temporary idiot.

 

Has your husband been kinder to you since you started being affectionate?

[Ws2016]

You're not a monster. Just a temporary idiot.

 

Has your husband been kinder to you since you started being affectionate?

 

 

Yes! 100%

I think he realizes we have both made mistakes and we can either stay angry and resentful or think of this as a wake up call and move forward. We are choosing to move forward. He still has not fully forgiven me but he is trying to reconnect and that's a start.

[understand50]

Yes! 100%

I think he realizes we have both made mistakes and we can either stay angry and resentful or think of this as a wake up call and move forward. We are choosing to move forward. He still has not fully forgiven me but he is trying to reconnect and that's a start.

 

Ws2016,

 

Well good some progress. You have been though a tough time, and now see some light. It is still early, and there is some hard work that will need to be done, but I think you and your husband are headed in the right direction.

 

Let also, tell you that he will never forget what you did, nor will he fully forgive you. What most men do, myself included, is remember that we love our spouse enough and regain enough trust that we can go forward with the marriage, and be quite happy. We will love you, but remember you hurt us to our soul. You will never get total forgiveness, Maybe 90%, but there will be anger there.

 

Nor should you forgive yourself completely. You should always remember what you are capable of given the circumstances. In some ways, you are now a better bet to stay faithful, as you see what you may have lost by your cheating. Not that I am suggesting men and women go out a cheat to "affair proof" the marriage, but for a truly remorseful wife, the odds of repeating go way down.

 

I think a little anger on both your parts is healthy, in that it keeps us working on the marriage. So do not think you or your husband has failed if from time to time, he shows anger, just as you will always regret what you did. It is normal.

 

Keep up the good work.

 

As always I wish you luck....

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Well both of my therapists would disagree with you but thanks for your input.

 

 

 

 

Uh, your therapists are just in it for your money...

 

 

 

How come people cannot understand that which is obvious? :

 

Savage Love - Savage Love - The Stranger

 

 

Being selfish once simply does not justify being selfish a second time. (because you are merely uncomfortable with your first poor choice)

 

 

 

And the problematic input involved here certainly wasn't mine.

[spanz1]

keep filling him in on all the details he asks for.

 

Time heals all wounds...just hang in there and show by your actions that you are a loving spouse now.

[Ws2016]

I haven't posted in a while but I had an emotional affair and one time physical affair over the summer. My husband and I have both been going to IC and we have tried to reconcile but during this time, lies came out in his side. He had financial infidelity. We tried to get past all this but it was a bit of a disaster. I don't really think we can work it out and we have decided that if things don't drastically change then we will separate after the holidays. (Which is what's going to happen because we don't work on things at all)

 

We are not talking except about the kids and things like that. He has said that he has needs that I can't give him, we are not in any way taking steps to reconcile but he still wants me to answer all the questions and tell him all details. This is still going on almost 4 months after D day.

 

I am confused by this. Is he still trying to figure it out to see if we can reconcile? (By the way, his infidelity has been completely swept under the rug) it's all about what I did. Either he is not talking to me it he is asking me questions. The same questions over and over.

 

I am just looking to see if anyone has any experience with this and how I should handle it. If he doesn't have any intention to reconcile, should I still be answering his questions about what happened and should he still be going through my phone and tracking me? I would be perfectly fine with him doing this if he needed that to work on our marriage but I am just not sure what he is trying to accomplish. Any insight.

[ChickiePops]

So right now, his ego has been razed to the ground. He's probably asking questions because he's trying to figure out what's wrong with HIM that made you want to cheat on him.

 

That's what I did. I dumped my loser cheating boyfriend immediately but I still spent months trying to figure out what was so horrible about ME that made him want to cheat on me (the answer was nothing..he was just a POS). It's a truly terrible feeling..I hope you will answer his questions and try to help him even if you do divorce him.

[salparadise]

I find it interesting that you accuse him of infidelity over some kind of financial issue. Does he have a gambling addiction? Or did he exceed his lunch allowance?

 

Emotional affair, and one-time physical affair... in other words, an affair by any definition of the word.

 

And you're unhappy that he's asking questions before committing to reconciliation? You answered your own question... "trying to figure it out to see if we can reconcile?" Yea, probably. And he probably thinks the "one-time" bit is trickle truth. Could you blame him?

[lovinDKT3]

He doesn't know what he wants right now, and it's perfectly normal.

 

I will say, your change and working towards a better you can't be solely based on your marriage making it. so no matter the direction the marriage goes it's information that will impact his life for years to come, you owe him all he wants to know, it's the least you can do.

[Ws2016]

I find it interesting that you accuse him of infidelity over some kind of financial issue. Does he have a gambling addiction? Or did he exceed his lunch allowance?

 

Emotional affair, and one-time physical affair... in other words, an affair by any definition of the word.

 

And you're unhappy that he's asking questions before committing to reconciliation? You answered your own question... "trying to figure it out to see if we can reconcile?" Yea, probably. And he probably thinks the "one-time" bit is trickle truth. Could you blame him?

 

 

Why is that interesting and why do you assume I am accusing him! Yes, gambling, excessive spending, putting us in 10's of thousands of dollars worth of debt and lying to me about it for 2 years.

It was absolutely financial infidelity. That doesn't erase my I fidelity. I was just saying, a lot of lying and betraying was going in in our marriage and we both agreed it was to much to try and get through especially since we were both unhappy before.

[Ws2016]

So right now, his ego has been razed to the ground. He's probably asking questions because he's trying to figure out what's wrong with HIM that made you want to cheat on him.

 

That's what I did. I dumped my loser cheating boyfriend immediately but I still spent months trying to figure out what was so horrible about ME that made him want to cheat on me (the answer was nothing..he was just a POS). It's a truly terrible feeling..I hope you will answer his questions and try to help him even if you do divorce him.

 

 

 

Hummm that makes sense. I was not sure why he was doing it. I have read a lot about reconciliation and telling them everything and answering all questions but I haven't seen much about if you are not reconciling, why ask questions? I guess in my mind I was thinking he asked questions to figure out why it happened so it doesn't happen again. But, what you said makes sense and yes, it was a POS move on my part for sure!

[Chica80]

You should continue to go to ic regardless..

 

If you want to reconcile yes. Continue disclose and talk...

 

I had no plans to reconcile at all, when I started A I knew I was done and out. I disclosed A, but did not give details or answer questions. Some may not agree with this. But that was the decision I made at the time...if I was going to reconcile then yes it would be different.

[malvern99]

Asking the same questions over and over again is common in the aftermath of infidelity. It's a sign of a person still struggling to process a traumatic event. 4 months is no time at all. It takes an average of 2 - 5 years to recover from infidelity. In my opinion, whether you reconcile or not, you should be doing everything in your power to help your soon to be ex heal, and if that means answering questions, so be it. It's the least you can do, especially if you have kids because they will fare better with a healed father.

 

As an aside, for your own good, you need to own what you did. Don't minimize it, because if you do, you will leave yourself vulnerable to repeating the same behaviors down the road. Best of luck to you.

[Jersey born raised]

Sunshinechia adultery I think was based first and foremost as a walk away spouse. The answer for her husband is rooted there so the questions of why are found there. Details of the adultety are of no value to her husband so should not be discussed.

 

I suspect the answer to your husband are rooted in the same place. If, so that may be reason to answer him.

 

Issues are issues, adultery is adultery. If reconciliation is to take place than the question of why you choose adultery instead of a steadfast divorce without allowing another person involve them selves in the marriage and why it will not happen again become necessary.

 

Did your know your husbands of your husband's behavior before the adultery?

[aileD]

"Which is what will happen because we aren't working on it"

 

Well...full disclosure is "working on it". So maybe you should examine why YOU won't give him what he needs to "work on it".

 

Just get divorced if you aren't willing to do the work.

 

Financial "infidelity" sucks but it's not the same as bringing someone else into your relationship.

[Noirek]

If you want to keep the door for R whether or not things or on shakey ground than keep giving him what he needs. Open with your phone and emails and answering all questions, as often as asked. Did you write the timeline?

 

If, however you want to slam the door on R than by all means your phone and other things are your business and you don't have to check them. Out of general kindness though I would communicate R is of the table for you and then don't send mixed signals about it.

 

Be in or out. for most people on here and in the real world affairs trump financial secrets. Even though money is bery close behind infidelity in divorce causes. You raised hackles calling it "infidelity" I get the mess your relationship is in and rebuilding won't be easy. But if you choose on your part to do it, you need to put that money matter on the back burner. It may seem unfair but being selfless is what marriages are about.