I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[Cephalopod]

I think the posters here recognize when something cannot be fixed.

 

In my personal experience, when a woman loses respect and attraction for a man, it almost never comes back, no matter how hard he tries. It doesn't sound to me like your BH is even interested in trying. He's probably thinking "what's the point?"

[MidnightBlue1980]

It funny you said that because he really did have a total personality change after the birth of our first child. He was very different when we first met and now. He is a good man, a good provider, an amazing dad but he was miserable a significant part of the time. He never complemented me, he was just in a foul mood a lot of the time. We didn't go out, didn't talk, sex was maintenence every 3 months or so. I gave up, he gave up. It was both of our fault. I just took it one very wrong step further and cheated.

We have talked about this in length. His ex fiancé broke it off with him for this very reason.

I know people say just leave and that is the road it looks like we are heading down but it shocks me how people think it is just a decision and done. I mean, we have children, we have many years together, we have a house and this is the biggest decision of our lives! If there can be any possible way to fix it, of course you want to! The longer this goes on I realize there isn't much that will change but of course there is A LOT to figure out, think about ect...

 

The whole thing sucks!!!

 

No, I get it. It's easy to tell someone to go get a divorce but it is not that simple.

Edited October 31, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[Mr Blunt]

Quote of OP

"He said he doesn't know if he wants to be with me and he absolutely does not forgive me. I don't really think there is much else we can do. I think we stay because there is love there. Not in love kind of love but I do love him dearly, just not the way a wife should love her husband."

 

 

 

 

He refuses to forgive you and you do not love your husband the way that a wife should love her husband!....Both of those are very strong detriments to a marriage and BOTH will have to changed 100% for you to have any chance of a happy marriage!

 

If one or both of those stay the same then you both will have a miserable life with each other!

[BluesPower]

I totally get where you are coming from. And, I have no idea if anything I write will help or not.

 

First off, for some reason a lot of men tend to change after their first child. Some mature and get serious about life, (i.e. Me) and others have a strange change in how they view their wives. Some have the view that because she had a child she is holy now that she has bore him a child. (Madonna complex I think???) Or they think that now that she is a mom she is not sexy and off limits.

 

I personally think this is crazy, but I have seen it a number of times. I am totally the opposite, I loved and desired my wife more BECAUSE she bore me a child and frankly because I desired her more we had 2 more children.

 

So that may or may not be some of the issues with H.

 

The bigger question is what to do now. You know that you both love each other but all the other issues are getting in the way. I totally get that.

 

If you cannot both forgive each other, or at least start to, I want recommend that you both don't sacrifice yourselves because you think it is better for the kids or more comfortable for both of you. Because it is not, I promise you.

 

I have sacrificed myself for my wife and family and I am just now starting to realize that I could have taken care of both of them and been divorced. I could have found a woman that made ME happy and still taken care of the wife and kids.

 

I feel like it have wasted the best years of my life for other people and it was not necessary.

 

No matter how much I love my wife, I still don't know if I can forgive her for the things she has done. The affairs are one thing, I can deal with that, it is all the other things she has done on top of that stuff that make me question what to do.

 

I just want you to continue to talk to your husband if you can. See if you guys can come together in some way.

 

But if you really cannot come together, then think about getting a divorce in as nice a way as possible so you can both move on and be happy.

 

Good luck to you both...

[Ws2016]

Quote of OP

"He said he doesn't know if he wants to be with me and he absolutely does not forgive me. I don't really think there is much else we can do. I think we stay because there is love there. Not in love kind of love but I do love him dearly, just not the way a wife should love her husband."

 

 

 

 

He refuses to forgive you and you do not love your husband the way that a wife should love her husband!....Both of those are very strong detriments to a marriage and BOTH will have to changed 100% for you to have any chance of a happy marriage!

 

If one or both of those stay the same then you both will have a miserable life with each other!

 

Yeah he said he has no idea who I am. He said over and over that I am not the person he thought I was and that he won't forgive me. At that point I admit I kind of gave up. Before that I was trying to make something right. I had hope that maybe we could rekindle something but it hasn't happened. We have not been intimate since this has happened. He said if he even thinks about sex he thinks about me with someone else. But then turns around and says I'm not fulfilling his needs. He said he doesn't forgive me, he has no idea if he wants to be with me but then says I'm not giving him what he needs (which I admit I'm not) I don't know if I want to be with him either. It's a MESS! I don't know what I should be doing. He has never looked at me the way the OM looked at me. That's what I wanted from him. That's what I never got. There is no way in hell he would ever look at me like that after this! I don't blame him! It was an awful thing to do. I wish I could have been a better wife. Things were so damaged before this. Infidelity along with all that? Seems like there is no place else to go. I've given up again.

[Jersey born raised]

If I posted this thought before on this post before I apologize.

 

Your situation clearly demonstrates the concept of issues are issues and adultery only adds an additional layer of problems. Your issues are real and need to be corrected for a healthy marriage to emerge. Yet the adultery often destroys the ability of the BS (and times the WS out of guilt) to do so.

 

There is no simple answer here except to endure, learn and keep trying. There are two threads here on LS that you need to read both are pinned. The first is "what every WS needs to know" the other is "there are responsibilities for the BS spouse" if you need a links let me know.

[ShatteredLady]

It worries me that you don't think that online gambling is the same as a gambling addiction. IT IS!!! You can loose a LOT more money than in a casino because (like most online things) it doesn't seem real.

 

All the stress could make his addiction even worse. I know someone who managed to loose many THOUSANDS of $$$ a WEEK!! Please don't turn a blind eye to this you could end-up in serious financial trouble VERY fast.

[Ws2016]

If I posted this thought before on this post before I apologize.

 

Your situation clearly demonstrates the concept of issues are issues and adultery only adds an additional layer of problems. Your issues are real and need to be corrected for a healthy marriage to emerge. Yet the adultery often destroys the ability of the BS (and times the WS out of guilt) to do so.

 

There is no simple answer here except to endure, learn and keep trying. There are two threads here on LS that you need to read both are pinned. The first is "what every WS needs to know" the other is "there are responsibilities for the BS spouse" if you need a links let me know.

 

 

I read one but not the other. Thanks, I will take a look.

[Ws2016]

It worries me that you don't think that online gambling is the same as a gambling addiction. IT IS!!! You can loose a LOT more money than in a casino because (like most online things) it doesn't seem real.

 

All the stress could make his addiction even worse. I know someone who managed to loose many THOUSANDS of $$$ a WEEK!! Please don't turn a blind eye to this you could end-up in serious financial trouble VERY fast.

 

 

 

Oh trust me, I know it's bad! I just don't know much about it. He has already spent hundreds if not thousands on it AND he is still playing daily even though I told him I didn't want him to. He said it relaxes him and he's not spending money on it. Did I mention him mother has a serious gambling problem. He has zero respect for my needs. He never has. He just keeps doing whatever he wants and then expects me to grovel at his feet and fulfil his needs. I would be happy to try and come to a better place with him but obviously he still thinks I am beneath him. Only now he has a reason to rationalize it.

[Ws2016]

I totally get where you are coming from. And, I have no idea if anything I write will help or not.

 

First off, for some reason a lot of men tend to change after their first child. Some mature and get serious about life, (i.e. Me) and others have a strange change in how they view their wives. Some have the view that because she had a child she is holy now that she has bore him a child. (Madonna complex I think???) Or they think that now that she is a mom she is not sexy and off limits.

 

I personally think this is crazy, but I have seen it a number of times. I am totally the opposite, I loved and desired my wife more BECAUSE she bore me a child and frankly because I desired her more we had 2 more children.

 

So that may or may not be some of the issues with H.

 

The bigger question is what to do now. You know that you both love each other but all the other issues are getting in the way. I totally get that.

 

If you cannot both forgive each other, or at least start to, I want recommend that you both don't sacrifice yourselves because you think it is better for the kids or more comfortable for both of you. Because it is not, I promise you.

 

I have sacrificed myself for my wife and family and I am just now starting to realize that I could have taken care of both of them and been divorced. I could have found a woman that made ME happy and still taken care of the wife and kids.

 

I feel like it have wasted the best years of my life for other people and it was not necessary.

 

No matter how much I love my wife, I still don't know if I can forgive her for the things she has done. The affairs are one thing, I can deal with that, it is all the other things she has done on top of that stuff that make me question what to do.

 

I just want you to continue to talk to your husband if you can. See if you guys can come together in some way.

 

But if you really cannot come together, then think about getting a divorce in as nice a way as possible so you can both move on and be happy.

 

Good luck to you both...

 

Well he is mature and takes good care of us. I have ne we denied that. He has worked super hard in his career and he is doing very well and he is a great provider and a phenomenal dad. ( all the reasons I haven't left before) so I don't really know what it is!

I don't think he is taking care of himself. He works, comes home and eats , spends a few minutes with the kids and tucks them in then goes and plays his video games. It's miserable! I told him that is unhealthy and he says he's not spending money and has read articles that online gaming is okay. Suuuuure.

I have booked him a massage, I joined him up at my gym. He doesn't go. I don't know what else to do for him. I am taking real estate classses now. I had a long talk with him about it. I told him I need to do something for myself to make me happy and not looo for my self worth in others. I told him one of the reasons for the affair is that I had no self worth and I want to change that. I told him it's an intense 5 week course and I would love to do it if and only if he was up for it. He said yes, was happy I was doing something and the first couple weeks were great! He was being supportive, I told him how much I appreciate it and how he is a doing such a great job holding down the fort all weekend. Then this weekend, things just turned! He said all I care about is the class, I do nothing for him, why should he support me when I do nothing for him then he said I'm pushing him out the door. I am at a loss. We both decided to take things day by day, to work on ourselves individually and see if we can start working towards each other. I am trying so hard. Truly I am. I am sure I am screwing up here and there but I honestly do not know what to do. He refuses to forgive, he refuses to help himself, he refuses MC but then gets mad at me for doing something for myself to make sure I never make those mistakes again. I truly am at a total and complete loss.

[DKT3]

Cheating and affairs are never ever isolated incidents. I bet if your husband was posting here he would have a long list of selfishness entitlement and self serving behavior on your part. Your affair and now this course all look the same to him..all about you.

 

Of course you do see it like most WS you've perfected the victim role, all these things happened to you. Truth is you were just as shi++y a spouse as your husband, worse if you add in the affair. Now you seem almost shocked that he isn't knocking down walls to forgive you.

 

Let's be honest, what exactly have you done to earn his forgiveness?

[Ws2016]

Cheating and affairs are never ever isolated incidents. I bet if your husband was posting here he would have a long list of selfishness entitlement and self serving behavior on your part. Your affair and now this course all look the same to him..all about you.

 

Of course you do see it like most WS you've perfected the victim role, all these things happened to you. Truth is you were just as shi++y a spouse as your husband, worse if you add in the affair. Now you seem almost shocked that he isn't knocking down walls to forgive you.

 

Let's be honest, what exactly have you done to earn his forgiveness?

 

Well what else should I be doing then to try and be a better person? I am trying to be a better person because of all the things I have done. I shouldn't be trying to better myself? It starts with admitting your own crap and I have done that. Next, you try to heal, learn and be a better person. I'm doing that. Are you saying I shouldn't be? I shouldn't be showing him that I want to change and these are the steps I am doing to accomplish that?

 

I'm not a victim. Not by far. I do not feel like I have been victimized in any way shape or form. I made choices, he made choices, we are were we are. i have been a crap spouse too. I've said that over and over and over.

 

Also, playing the victim I think is somehow a persons way to try and make sense of what they did. Most WS will say "it's not in my character to cheat" I am not this person, why did I do this? It's hard to figure out why in the world you did what you did. Its a process as well. One I am still in the very early stages of. All I can say is I'm trying. I am doing what I know how to do. I am doing what I think is the best route to take to start healing. Affairs destroy everyone in their path. I know I am utterly destroyed and broken. I am simply trying to figure it all out. If that sounds like a victim then it's natural in this position but I am not going to be okay with that role and will work through that over time but not for one second do I think things "happen to me" I am responsible for my own actions. Even through all of this, he WILL say he appreciates all that I have done to take responsibility.

Edited November 1, 2016 by Ws2016

[DKT3]

Well what else should I be doing then to try and be a better person? I am trying to be a better person because of all the things I have done. I shouldn't be trying to better myself? It starts with admitting your own crap and I have done that. Next, you try to heal, learn and be a better person. I'm doing that. Are you saying I shouldn't be? I shouldn't be showing him that I want to change and these are the steps I am doing to accomplish that?

 

I'm not a victim. Not by far. I do not feel like I have been victimized in any way shape or form. I made choices, he made choices, we are were we are. i have been a crap spouse too. I've said that over and over and over.

 

Also, playing the victim I think is somehow a persons way to try and make sense of what they did. Most WS will say "it's not in my character to cheat" I am not this person, why did I do this? It's hard to figure out why in the world you did what you did. Its a process as well. One I am still in the very early stages of. All I can say is I'm trying. I am doing what I know how to do. I am doing what I think is the best route to take to start healing. Affairs destroy everyone in their path. I know I am utterly destroyed and broken. I am simply trying to figure it all out. If that sounds like a victim then it's natural in this position but I am not going to be okay with that role and will work through that over time but not for one second do I think things "happen to me" I am responsible for my own actions. Even through all of this, he WILL say he appreciates all that I have done to take responsibility.

 

My point is how do you think it looks to him? Like your same selfish behavior or something different?

 

Since he isn't gung ho about the marriage and you, you are giving up, how does that look to him, the same selfish behavior or something new?

 

I'm seeing the dynamic here, he has given you the answer yet you continue down the same path, how does that help him heal from this? How does this course help him heal from this. Again I ask what have you done for him to earn his forgiveness?

[salparadise]

Why is that interesting and why do you assume I am accusing him! Yes, gambling, excessive spending, putting us in 10's of thousands of dollars worth of debt and lying to me about it for 2 years.

It was absolutely financial infidelity. That doesn't erase my I fidelity. I was just saying, a lot of lying and betraying was going in in our marriage and we both agreed it was to much to try and get through especially since we were both unhappy before.

 

Why do I assume you're accusing him? Because you said, "He had financial infidelity." (post #490) You reiterated the accusation in the same breath as challenging me on making an assumption. You characterize your affair as an emotional affair and one-physical, obviously minimization. Coining term "financial infidelity" is an effort to establish parity between his mismanagement of money and your mismanagement of vagina. In other words, no contrition. You go on to assail his needing to talk and asking for details without prior agreement to reconciliation, implying that there should be parity there as well. The language and posturing that you use belie a tit-for-tat, blame-shifting, justification attitude.

 

Infidelity is a completely different category. It's fine to say that there were issues in the marriage, and to bring those up in counseling, etc., but I think that if you continue with the non-contrition and pushing the notion that the scales are balanced because he made mistakes too, it's likely to make him want to throw in the towel on the whole mess. I think you have to show total contrition on the infidelity, deal with that as the primary issue, and then take up the other issues separately once you've made progress toward reconciliation. If I were in your husband's position and you started working the semantics this way I'd just call it hopeless and walk away.

 

I hope you haven't tried the term "financial infidelity" on him yet. Don't.

Edited November 1, 2016 by salparadise

[Just a Guy]

Sorry DKT3, but that was a little harsh. I think the OP has admitted to everyone here, to her husband, herself and whoever cares to listen, that she made a horrible choice. The biggest thing in her favour is the fact that she came clean to her husband immediately after her indiscretion. Of course, infidelity is unforgivable in it's self. However it is how the WS deals with the aftermath that decides whether a marriage is salvageable or not. Again reconciliation is a two way street. If her husband does not extend his hand she very well cannot move forward with the process. I wonder what exactly it is you would want her to do? I know that you are a BS and a lot of your angst probably stems from that. Her husband seems to to block all her efforts at reaching out to him.

 

You are right that if he were to come on here his story would differ a lot from hers. But I get the sense that OP has sincerely tried to reach out to her husband and help him and herself heal from the effects of a toxic relationship and the after effects of the affair. I am dead set against cheating and infidelity but then I guess we are all human beings and human weakness is a trait that all of us share to a greater or lesser extent. If Jesus Christ could forgive the woman caught in adultery when he himself was blemish less then I think the rest of us here could be a little more charitable in our view of the OP. As is said here often, give her tough love on how to handle her situation but don't damn her to hell. Apologies in advance if I have hurt your feelings but that is not my intention. Warm wishes.

[Ws2016]

Why do I assume you're accusing him? Because you said, "He had financial infidelity." (post #490) You reiterated the accusation in the same breath as challenging me on making an assumption. You characterize your affair as an emotional affair and one-physical, obviously minimization. Coining term "financial infidelity" is an effort to establish parity between his mismanagement of money and your mismanagement of vagina. In other words, no contrition. You go on to assail his needing to talk and asking for details without prior agreement to reconciliation, implying that there should be parity there as well. The language and posturing that you use belie a tit-for-tat, blame-shifting, justification attitude.

 

Infidelity is a completely different category. It's fine to say that there were issues in the marriage, and to bring those up in counseling, etc., but I think that if you continue with the non-contrition and pushing the notion that the scales are balanced because he made mistakes too, it's likely to make him want to throw in the towel on the whole mess. I think you have to show total contrition on the infidelity, deal with that as the primary issue, and then take up the other issues separately once you've made progress toward reconciliation. If I were in your husband's position and you started working the semantics this way I'd just call it hopeless and walk away.

 

I hope you haven't tried the term "financial infidelity" on him yet. Don't.

 

 

Financial infidelity is a real term. It is used by our therapist not me. She explained it. I'm not sure how many people have been through both but you do understand that my husband lied to me for years correct? He lied to my face, he kept secrets and he was online doing this gaming and spending a crap load of money on it putting me in financial ruins. I owe half of that money now. I was working I my credit, this will destroy me. If on my own I have no money to put down on a place of my own, my credit it shot. You do understand that is the number one cause of divorce, you do understand it is an utter betrayal of my trust and he had no respect for me.... right?? You do understand how serious this is right?

 

Does this "even us out" of course not!!!!! What's the old saying, two wrongs don't make a right. But I am still hurt, I am still trying to figure out why and how he lied to me for two years. There is a LOOOOT of stuff between us. It's just nut so simple as pushing everything aside and working on "the bigger issue" what would that be?? Would it be that there was lying, betrayal and no respect throughout our marriage? Would it be my infidelity? His infidelity?? Who is to say which one hurt who more and should be addressed first. That's my point of right now I feel like the only thing I can do is try to get myself healthy so we can hit this stuff head on. Whether we stay together or not, we have kids and mommy needs to get healthy. So does daddy but he does not seem interested in trying so am I suppose to force him? He will not forgive me. He expects me to fully forgive him and I am working in that even though he is still doing the online stuff. Makes it pretty hard. That's like me still being friends with th OM and thinking nothing is wrong with it and saying "get over it"

I have tried, I have done everything I could think of, but I can't force him Nd he is perfectly capable of making the decision to forgive me or not.

Edited November 1, 2016 by Ws2016

[Ws2016]

Sorry DKT3, but that was a little harsh. I think the OP has admitted to everyone here, to her husband, herself and whoever cares to listen, that she made a horrible choice. The biggest thing in her favour is the fact that she came clean to her husband immediately after her indiscretion. Of course, infidelity is unforgivable in it's self. However it is how the WS deals with the aftermath that decides whether a marriage is salvageable or not. Again reconciliation is a two way street. If her husband does not extend his hand she very well cannot move forward with the process. I wonder what exactly it is you would want her to do? I know that you are a BS and a lot of your angst probably stems from that. Her husband seems to to block all her efforts at reaching out to him.

 

You are right that if he were to come on here his story would differ a lot from hers. But I get the sense that OP has sincerely tried to reach out to her husband and help him and herself heal from the effects of a toxic relationship and the after effects of the affair. I am dead set against cheating and infidelity but then I guess we are all human beings and human weakness is a trait that all of us share to a greater or lesser extent. If Jesus Christ could forgive the woman caught in adultery when he himself was blemish less then I think the rest of us here could be a little more charitable in our view of the OP. As is said here often, give her tough love on how to handle her situation but don't damn her to hell. Apologies in advance if I have hurt your feelings but that is not my intention. Warm wishes.

 

Thank you. I appreciate your words.

[DKT3]

Sorry DKT3, but that was a little harsh. I think the OP has admitted to everyone here, to her husband, herself and whoever cares to listen, that she made a horrible choice. The biggest thing in her favour is the fact that she came clean to her husband immediately after her indiscretion. Of course, infidelity is unforgivable in it's self. However it is how the WS deals with the aftermath that decides whether a marriage is salvageable or not. Again reconciliation is a two way street. If her husband does not extend his hand she very well cannot move forward with the process. I wonder what exactly it is you would want her to do? I know that you are a BS and a lot of your angst probably stems from that. Her husband seems to to block all her efforts at reaching out to him.

 

You are right that if he were to come on here his story would differ a lot from hers. But I get the sense that OP has sincerely tried to reach out to her husband and help him and herself heal from the effects of a toxic relationship and the after effects of the affair. I am dead set against cheating and infidelity but then I guess we are all human beings and human weakness is a trait that all of us share to a greater or lesser extent. If Jesus Christ could forgive the woman caught in adultery when he himself was blemish less then I think the rest of us here could be a little more charitable in our view of the OP. As is said here often, give her tough love on how to handle her situation but don't damn her to hell. Apologies in advance if I have hurt your feelings but that is not my intention. Warm wishes.

 

Forgiveness comes with positive action attitude and time. WS seems to be wanting her husband to advance to a point that he isn't at. Of course he isn't extending his hand, he hasn't really had time to process it, couple that with her actions looking the same to him why would he. He has told her he feels her actions are all about her, why isn't his feeling valid?

 

Thier marrige is circling the drain, yet the keep doing the same things, him not engaging, her selfish traveling her path. Actions are needed, instead of saying will you go to mc, say I've made an appointment for mc, I'm going hope you join. That's actions towards helping him heal.

[BluesPower]

I am not sure we are being fair in some ways to WS21016.

 

I am not sure what WS could do when the BH is being so closed off. I am wondering if she could not have done more early on. In a way should he (BH) just file for divorce because he seems to have no intention of trying to work things out? He has not obligation to, but shouldn't he make a decision?

 

What she did is as horrible a most and less horrible than some. If BH still closes himself off, DTK what should she do? Do you think she has not tried to do enough initially? That may be true, I am not sure?

 

That is a serious question for you (DTK) because of your experience. In my situation, I feel myself closing off from my spouse because after a few months of working on it, she is no closer to understanding what she has done to me than she was before we started working on.

 

In both cases, although different sides, what are we supposed to do to now that we can't help but, close ourselves off to the other spouse?

[salparadise]

Financial infidelity is a real term. It is used by our therapist not me. She explained it. I'm not sure how many people have been through both but you do understand that my husband lied to me for years correct? He lied to my face, he kept secrets and he was online doing this gaming and spending a crap load of money on it putting me in financial ruins. I owe half of that money now. I was working I my credit, this will destroy me. If on my own I have no money to put down on a place of my own, my credit it shot. You do understand that is the number one cause of divorce, you do understand it is an utter betrayal of my trust and he had no respect for me.... right?? You do understand how serious this is right?

 

Does this "even us out" of course not!!!!! What's the old saying, two wrongs don't make a right. But I am still hurt, I am still trying to figure out why and how he lied to me for two years. There is a LOOOOT of stuff between us. It's just nut so simple as pushing everything aside and working on "the bigger issue" what would that be?? Would it be that there was lying, betrayal and no respect throughout our marriage? Would it be my infidelity? His infidelity?? Who is to say which one hurt who more and should be addressed first. That's my point of right now I feel like the only thing I can do is try to get myself healthy so we can hit this stuff head on.

 

Sorry, I don't know all of the details and didn't read all 500+ posts. I didn't realize that there was infidelity on his part too... or are you just talking about financial stuff? I do realize that finances are a big deal and the primary cause of divorce. It was a problem in my marriage too.

 

Regardless of where you got the term, I do not think you should attempt to roll mishandling of finances into the same package with sexual infidelity. The term may be useful on its own, but if you're using it to convince people (yourself and your husband) that financial infidelity justifies, excuses or has parity with sexual infidelity then I think you're wasting your time trying to put this marriage back together. It sounds like a huge mess, and if all you're doing is blaming each other then what chance is there really?

 

I think both of you have to quit playing the blame game if you want a shot.

[Ws2016]

Forgiveness comes with positive action attitude and time. WS seems to be wanting her husband to advance to a point that he isn't at. Of course he isn't extending his hand, he hasn't really had time to process it, couple that with her actions looking the same to him why would he. He has told her he feels her actions are all about her, why isn't his feeling valid?

 

Thier marrige is circling the drain, yet the keep doing the same things, him not engaging, her selfish traveling her path. Actions are needed, instead of saying will you go to mc, say I've made an appointment for mc, I'm going hope you join. That's actions towards helping him heal.

 

 

I have done that. He does not want to go to MC. While I do understand what you are saying. I never said I want him to advance to a point he isn't at. He would tell you that himself. He does not feel rushed at all. What I am saying is we. It's agreed that we need to work on our own issues separately to be able to even discuss talking about issues together. I gave him my plan. 1) IC 2) taking this course to help my self esteem 3) exercising

 

We agreee to support each other through our personal plans. He himself said this is a great idea and will help us move forward.

 

But, he is still doing his old habits and not doing his plan. I don't think he CAN heal. I am there for him. I answer his questions, I let him vent, I cover his time with the kids during his appointments, I book him his appt, I make his favorite dinners, I schedule him massages and tell him to go because he looks stressed, I have dragged him to my gym. He rejects it. What do I do now?

[Ws2016]

Sorry, I don't know all of the details and didn't read all 500+ posts. I didn't realize that there was infidelity on his part too... or are you just talking about financial stuff? I do realize that finances are a big deal and the primary cause of divorce. It was a problem in my marriage too.

 

Regardless of where you got the term, I do not think you should attempt to roll mishandling of finances into the same package with sexual infidelity. The term may be useful on its own, but if you're using it to convince people (yourself and your husband) that financial infidelity justifies, excuses or has parity with sexual infidelity then I think you're wasting your time trying to put this marriage back together. It sounds like a huge mess, and if all you're doing is blaming each other then what chance is there really?

 

I think both of you have to quit playing the blame game if you want a shot.

 

They are not the same. I have said over and over. One thing does not make the other justifiable. I didn't even know about the money when I had the affair so it's not justifying what I did AT ALL.

 

All I am saying is betrayal is betrayal, there is no measurement on which one is worse or which one hurts someone more. Each situation is unique. But if you have two people who have done crappy things to each other and one person simply cannot forgive and the other just gives up, where do you go from there? I would desperately like to make my marriage work but I just don't think it's possible at this point. I initially came on to ask if we are not in recovery and he doesn't plan to, why does he keep asking the same questions. Someone answered and put it in perspective for me then the thread just started to spiral. Lol!! But I do appreciate everyone's input. It's just not that easy of a decision to walk out the door. We have a lot at stake. I think we both need to be sure we did all we could. Probably pretty close to being there but just not ready to fully take that jump. Therapist said give it 6 months. That's what we are doing.

[DKT3]

I am not sure we are being fair in some ways to WS21016.

 

I am not sure what WS could do when the BH is being so closed off. I am wondering if she could not have done more early on. In a way should he (BH) just file for divorce because he seems to have no intention of trying to work things out? He has not obligation to, but shouldn't he make a decision?

 

What she did is as horrible a most and less horrible than some. If BH still closes himself off, DTK what should she do? Do you think she has not tried to do enough initially? That may be true, I am not sure?

 

That is a serious question for you (DTK) because of your experience. In my situation, I feel myself closing off from my spouse because after a few months of working on it, she is no closer to understanding what she has done to me than she was before we started working on.

 

In both cases, although different sides, what are we supposed to do to now that we can't help but, close ourselves off to the other spouse?

 

What we did ended in divorce, it was so dysfunctional. She lied, I disengaged, she lied mode I quit caring, she lied again I filed for divorce. Not a model by any means. It was after that, she never gave up on us. Through her positive actions and zeal I began to envision us again.

 

Did she get discouraged? You bet, she watched has i went through a bed hoping phase, watched as I seriously got involved with another woman. As I said no way a model, but there came a point where I could no longer deny her efforts

 

She is an amazing woman, flaws and imperfections, but she fought for us when I was unable to.

[Ws2016]

I am not sure we are being fair in some ways to WS21016.

 

I am not sure what WS could do when the BH is being so closed off. I am wondering if she could not have done more early on. In a way should he (BH) just file for divorce because he seems to have no intention of trying to work things out? He has not obligation to, but shouldn't he make a decision?

 

What she did is as horrible a most and less horrible than some. If BH still closes himself off, DTK what should she do? Do you think she has not tried to do enough initially? That may be true, I am not sure?

 

That is a serious question for you (DTK) because of your experience. In my situation, I feel myself closing off from my spouse because after a few months of working on it, she is no closer to understanding what she has done to me than she was before we started working on.

 

In both cases, although different sides, what are we supposed to do to now that we can't help but, close ourselves off to the other spouse?

 

I don't know if there is a timeline of sorts or something to make the decision to forgive or not but all I do know is it's eating at him daily and it's getting worse. Maybe he is waiting for me to do some grand gesture. It's hard when he is still carrying on with his unhealthy habits. I told him I didn't like it, he didn't care. It makes it difficult to fall at someone's feet and beg for forgiveness when they refuse to give up the thing that hurt you. He doesn't even see it! He is so far gone with this problem he doesn't even see what he's doing and doesn't understand why I am not trying harder. I want to, I confessed, I gave up my addiction and getting help. He carries on and makes excuses. Not sure what I am suppose to do.

Even through it I am doing my best to help him. But it's not enough for him and I can't give him as much as he needs because he doesn't see his behavior and that scares me. It's just this vicious cycle.

 

Not sure who remembers from way back from the beginning of this but this is what started the spiral that lead to my affair. I felt like I came last. Always last. I told him I couldn't live like this anymore and we need therapy. He agreed than after two sessions, his job became more important. What I should have done was tell him I'm unhappy and separate. What I ended up doing was the weak way and had an affair. In every thread, I have continued to say it was absolutely the wrong way to handle it and I take full responsibility for my action. I made the cowardly decision and never made an excuse as to why I did it. My fault and my fault alone. I had choices in that moment and I chose wrong. It was one nigth that I truly regret and always will.

Edited November 1, 2016 by Ws2016

[DKT3]

One more thing I wanted to add from our story that really spun my head. One night hanging out with my friends listening to them complain about wives and girlfriends I got to thinking, "man she was nothing like these women" this started a period were i examined my own actions in our relationship. WS you think your husband was bad, I brought a house without her input, 560k and she never saw it before I signed the papers. I realized I had been a total jackazz. The catalyst for this was her efforts, if she was willing to do this now, what had she been doing all along. It's a hard thing to do, to truly reflect and admit our shortcomings. I ***ked up alot right from the start. All things I'm not sure i would have admitted to myself not for her efforts.