I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[BluesPower]

DTK3 you are blessed, ironically by your wife.

 

 

I just wish the rest of us could get our SO to wake up.

[Ws2016]

One more thing I wanted to add from our story that really spun my head. One night hanging out with my friends listening to them complain about wives and girlfriends I got to thinking, "man she was nothing like these women" this started a period were i examined my own actions in our relationship. WS you think your husband was bad, I brought a house without her input, 560k and she never saw it before I signed the papers. I realized I had been a total jackazz. The catalyst for this was her efforts, if she was willing to do this now, what had she been doing all along. It's a hard thing to do, to truly reflect and admit our shortcomings. I ***ked up alot right from the start. All things I'm not sure i would have admitted to myself not for her efforts.

 

I don't think he is "so bad" I think he is flawed like the rest of us but he is having a hard time owning up to his flaws which leads me to believe we will never move forward. Have I messed up? Absolutely!!! But I can admit it and get the help I need. He just can't see what he is doing. It was a rough marriage. I told him over and over and time and time again something needed to change. He didn't see it. Unfortunately it took an affair for him to say "whoa things really were terrible" he apologized for that, I forgave him in an instant! I mean of course I did. He didn't even get how bad it was. My heart went out to him. He was so hurt. It was over and forgiven and I was ready to pour my soul into this marriage and I did in the beginning. I thought things could actually change. He told me how awful lying is, what a rotten person I was for betraying him, how trust is broken and what I did was unforgivable. Then I find out he was lying to me.... for years! Again, I think he was so hurt he didn't even realize how bad it was. I forgave him again in an instant! Again, I felt for him. I realized he didn't get what he was doing was bad. I just tried to get past it. I figured he understood and he would get the help he needed. What he is doing is an addiction, it's poison. Yet, he continues. NOW I am having a hard time fofgiving because it's just going to continue. He doesn't feel bad, he doesn't seem to care when I said it bothers me. He said he's not spending money so it's fine. I'm willing to do my part but I can't do it alone. At this point, I give up.

About 2 weeks ago he asked me if he could spend money on his game. I was floored! He just refuses to see his part. Yet, forgiving me? Not a chance. Of course this is his decision and he can take all the time he needs but I hope he does it soon because it's making him spiral further down that addiction hole. Whether we stay or leave. This not forgiving is going to be what keeps him in that dark place and makes him feed that addiction. I don't want forgiveness for me really. I want it for him. I want him to get well. At this point, I just don't see it. Not sure if I mentioned this but this is the second time this has happened. This happened 10 or so years ago and he promised me it would never happen again. He swore he understood the destruction and pleaded for me to stay. (I was out the door) of course, it was out of anger. I forgave him and life went on. But, here we are again and he still won't stop.

 

Two separate issues, same impact on our marriage and trust for one another.

[elaine567]

I am not sure but I think that at present the continuing financial infidelity is worse, as he is effectively wiping out their assets and ruining their credit scores with his continuing gaming addiction, for which he refuses to get help.

 

Her one off sexual encounter vs the risk that they could both end up on the street homeless...

[Ws2016]

I am not sure but I think that at present the continuing financial infidelity is worse, as he is effectively wiping out their assets and ruining their credit scores with his continuing gaming addiction, for which he refuses to get help.

 

Her one off sexual encounter vs the risk that they could both end up on the street homeless...

 

 

Thank you. I feel like on this board, people do not understand how bad the financial situation is effecting us. He just refuses to see it. "He has it under control" "he can pay it off when he gets his bonus so it's fine" "online gaming is not only healthy, it's good for you" we are over 40K in debt! The course I am taking is to help me but also to protect me and my kids because who knows if he will ever stop. If that's being selfish then I am selfish.

[DKT3]

I am not sure but I think that at present the continuing financial infidelity is worse, as he is effectively wiping out their assets and ruining their credit scores with his continuing gaming addiction, for which he refuses to get help.

 

Her one off sexual encounter vs the risk that they could both end up on the street homeless...

 

I disagree, if I had a choice between homeless and STD I pick homeless.

 

Besides, it couldn't be that bad she doesn't have a job

[Ws2016]

I disagree, if I had a choice between homeless and STD I pick homeless.

 

Besides, it couldn't be that bad she doesn't have a job

 

 

 

I told him the day after and I never slept with him after. I have been tested and we still haven't slept together. He is at zero risk of an STD. Zero.

I would not rather my children not be homeless. I could care less about me.

As far as a job, we both agreed I would be a stay at home mom. It's not as if I just didn't feel like working. I volunteered and I brought in some cash on the side with a part time job. You don't know what you are talking about. I work my ass off!!! My job is being a full time mom to my kids and being there for them 100%. Now I'm getting angry. I insinute I just sit on am ass and do nothing ciyjfnr be further from the truth. Please stop posting of all you are going to do is insult. I am not going to be tour pawn to try and make yourself feel better my putting other people down.

Edited November 1, 2016 by Ws2016

[elaine567]

I disagree, if I had a choice between homeless and STD I pick homeless.

 

 

There is nothing to suggest here that the OP has an STD nor that her husband is at continuing risk from her actions, not the same can be said for his.

[Ws2016]

There is nothing to suggest here that the OP has an STD nor that her husband is at continuing risk from her actions, not the same can be said for his.

 

 

He is at zero risk. I told him the morning after it happened. Girbtested right away then again at 3 months. We have not had sex since it happened.

[DKT3]

I told him the day after and I never slept with him after. I have been tested and we still haven't slept together. He is at zero risk of an STD. Zero.

I would not rather my children not be homeless. I could care less about me.

As far as a job, we both agreed I would be a stay at home mom. It's not as if I just didn't feel like working. I volunteered and I brought in some cash on the side with a part time job. You don't know what you are talking about. I work my ass off!!! My job is being a full time mom to my kids and being there for them 100%. Now I'm getting angry. I insinute I just sit on am ass and do nothing ciyjfnr be further from the truth. Please stop posting of all you are going to do is insult. I am not going to be tour pawn to try and make yourself feel better my putting other people down.

 

I'm not judging you, I'm old school in that sense, if one can afford to be home it's best for the kids. My wife is a SAHM

[Noirek]

I disagree, if I had a choice between homeless and STD I pick homeless.

 

Besides, it couldn't be that bad she doesn't have a job

 

Well since stds aren't a guarantee with infidelity but being bankrupt is with unchecked gambling, unselfish people in the hypothetical would pick the one that doesn't have as big of an impact on their children.

 

I do question how bad this is. However, I know people who live hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and act all carefree. one spouse working who makes a fortune and so they can afford their debt (and then they have a mortgage too ontop of that). And they think the are good with their money because they are never late on payments. But of he lost his job... no savings and no way for his wife to ever get a job that paid near enough to cover it all. And the only reason I know this because he came close last year and she confided in me and was stressed but not willing to downsize her lifestyle. So I could see the OP and the OP's husband being well in over their head and yet still think they are somehow alright even though the debt is mounting.

 

I asked my husband. He said he'd pick a curable or non deadly std over being homeless because he would never want his children not to have a shelter over their heads. Because they come first. He hates what ifs by the way but he said that one was easy. However he said that if he was hiv the choice would be harder. Thankfully he said such a situation doesn't exaist. Neither of us gamble or over spend.

[BluesPower]

WS2016, I am on your side, but you just have to understand that his gambling is not in the same hemisphere as your affair.

 

It is just not. When my wife had her affair it took me 2 years to begin to heal.

 

I don't pretend that what he is doing and the way that he is acting are not wrong. But you cannot equate the two sins so to speak.

 

When a man's wife cheats on him, it literally rips your heart out and stomps on it. That is something that you have got to understand.

 

I know that you feel betrayed by his decisions. But I want you to think, before your affair, how you would have felt if he slept with at woman and had feeling for her. You would be destroyed.

 

You would be far more destroyed by that then you were destroyed by his financial infidelity.

 

That is something you have to wrap your head around.

[DKT3]

You say he asked you if he could spend money on a game, I'm guessing in the past he just did it...you don't see progress?

[DKT3]

Well since stds aren't a guarantee with infidelity but being bankrupt is with unchecked gambling, unselfish people in the hypothetical would pick the one that doesn't have as big of an impact on their children.

 

I do question how bad this is. However, I know people who live hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and act all carefree. one spouse working who makes a fortune and so they can afford their debt (and then they have a mortgage too ontop of that). And they think the are good with their money because they are never late on payments. But of he lost his job... no savings and no way for his wife to ever get a job that paid near enough to cover it all. And the only reason I know this because he came close last year and she confided in me and was stressed but not willing to downsize her lifestyle. So I could see the OP and the OP's husband being well in over their head and yet still think they are somehow alright even though the debt is mounting.

 

I asked my husband. He said he'd pick a curable or non deadly std over being homeless because he would never want his children not to have a shelter over their heads. Because they come first. He hates what ifs by the way but he said that one was easy. However he said that if he was hiv the choice would be harder. Thankfully he said such a situation doesn't exaist. Neither of us gamble or over spend.

 

Since when do you get to pick what STD a ws brings home...it's all rationalization on her part, sure they had issues it's obvious. But comparing the two is asinine.

[Ws2016]

You say he asked you if he could spend money on a game, I'm guessing in the past he just did it...you don't see progress?

 

That's like me asking him permission to have an affair again or just do it. The underlying problem is still there. No I don't see that as progress.

[DKT3]

That's like me asking him permission to have an affair again or just do it. The underlying problem is still there. No I don't see that as progress.

 

Not at all the same.

 

I'm starting to get a clear picture. You no longer want to be married but you want it to be his fault. That is absolutely progress, honestly on par with anything you've done. By asking he is acknowledging your issues with it.

[Ws2016]

WS2016, I am on your side, but you just have to understand that his gambling is not in the same hemisphere as your affair.

 

It is just not. When my wife had her affair it took me 2 years to begin to heal.

 

I don't pretend that what he is doing and the way that he is acting are not wrong. But you cannot equate the two sins so to speak.

 

When a man's wife cheats on him, it literally rips your heart out and stomps on it. That is something that you have got to understand.

 

I know that you feel betrayed by his decisions. But I want you to think, before your affair, how you would have felt if he slept with at woman and had feeling for her. You would be destroyed.

 

You would be far more destroyed by that then you were destroyed by his financial infidelity.

 

That is something you have to wrap your head around.

 

I get what you are saying. Please understand that I am terrified for my kids and myself right now. I don't know how bad this will get and I don't know if it's worse then what he told me. My children's welfare trump ANYTHING else right now. My hurt and his self esteem are not as important as what this could do to our kids.

I get it, I do. It was devastating to him. I never want to make another person feel like that ever!! But I need to think of my children right now, I need to make sure I get myself financially stable. His pain is important but my kids are more important.

[Noirek]

Since when do you get to pick what STD a ws brings home...it's all rationalization on her part, sure they had issues it's obvious. But comparing the two is asinine.

 

Except she has said time and time again she cheated before knowing about the financial issues. Anyways, you brought up the choosing thing not me and I was curious if self preservation was a male thing or just special to certain people. The std risk is not a guarantee. I never gave my H an std. you never got one, OP never gave her H one. It really isn't applicable but rather just something people on this board often irrationally throw out after the fact. On the practical side he does have a serious problem.

 

My advice to the OP stands. She needs to shelve the money and focus on her infidelity and continue answering questions if she wants to save this marriage for a time. However, if she feels that the money betrayal was too great and his unwillingness to work on it a deal breaker I don't think she should stay out of guilt because of her own betrayal. End the marriage. Seperate the finances. And continue to work on being a better person and a wonderful parent. Her trying to atone for her infidelity may just be putting off what was going to happen anyways. Her infidelity certainly made a mess of a terrible marriage.

[DKT3]

I get what you are saying. Please understand that I am terrified for my kids and myself right now. I don't know how bad this will get and I don't know if it's worse then what he told me. My children's welfare trump ANYTHING else right now. My hurt and his self esteem are not as important as what this could do to our kids.

I get it, I do. It was devastating to him. I never want to make another person feel like that ever!! But I need to think of my children right now, I need to make sure I get myself financially stable. His pain is important but my kids are more important.

 

This post says it all...i hear let me placate him long enough to leave...

 

Good luck to you

[Ws2016]

Not at all the same.

 

I'm starting to get a clear picture. You no longer want to be married but you want it to be his fault. That is absolutely progress, honestly on par with anything you've done. By asking he is acknowledging your issues with it.

 

 

I've said over and over that I don't know if I want to be married to him. That I don't see this ending well, that I have given up but that we are giving it until 6 months to see if anything changes. I am going to give it the full 6 months and so is he. What is your point of posting? I already admitted to that. I don't want it To be "his fault" it's always going to be about the affair and I fully accept that. I hope he does see what he is doing but I don't think he will. I'm giving it time though. So is he

[Ws2016]

This post says it all...i hear let me placate him long enough to leave...

 

Good luck to you

 

 

Please just stop posting. You have no idea what you are talking about. I am preparing for the worst, hoping for a miracle.

[elaine567]

Bringing an STD into the equation is a moot point and deviating from the issue at hand.

The husband is at NO risk here, STD test clear and he is having no sex with the OP anyway...

 

I would think that if her husband continues with this addiction, then her heart and her children's hearts will take a lot longer than 2 years to begin to heal...

[40somethingGuy]

I have not been back to volunteer. There is zero contact. He called once after about a month and I made it clear that there would be no more contact and I showed my spouse that I blocked his number.

 

Yes, this is one of my fears. He is still asking questions and talking about the affair like he did the first day. I answer everything he asks but I am not sure continuing to ask over and over is doing any good. Like just today he said "I never asked but does he live in an apartment or a house? What does he drive" ? I just don't know if these answers do any good or just cause more pain?? I'm worried the questions will never end and he can never move forward. I am okay with answering anything but it's behinnjng to worry me because he isn't moving forward with his healing.

He will heal on his schedule not yours. Unless you want to see him with a better woman who is hotter and better than you are on his arm you just patiently answer whatever he needs. His whole life and reality is gone. He is probably thinking about why he wasted his prime years of life with you and will he just end up dying alone? You selfish people that have affairs just have no idea how you punish the BSs. We are so sorry we aren't perfect or fit your ideal to a tee.

[Whoknew30]

Not at all the same.

 

I'm starting to get a clear picture. You no longer want to be married but you want it to be his fault. That is absolutely progress, honestly on par with anything you've done. By asking he is acknowledging your issues with it.

 

So if your wife asked to have sex with another man (instead of doing it behind your back like the first time) would you consider that progress? It's the same thing in any betrayal...to ask to do it again is never progress, it's a slap in the face!

 

OP...you're going to have to do what's best for you & your kids. I've seen gambling destroy a family faster than any other betrayal. Even drugs, no one can go blow their lifesavings on drugs in one night but you sure can in gambling. Even in an A, most people kids can still eat during having an A but not if there's no money for food.

 

You need to go to alanon for family's of gamblers. They really could help you & they'd be more knowledgeable on what you're going through...most on here are extremely ignorant to what a huge deal a gambling addiction is...good luck to you!

[40somethingGuy]

There was no texts up until the week this all happened. I should have said we were "friendly" not really friends. We volunteer at the same organization and talked a couple times a week just there. So he was an acquaintance nothing more. But one day I confided in him and he said "call me if you need to talk" and that's where it crossed the line. Since we had known each other he tild ne he was always interested in me and it all happened very fast. So no, there was nothing more before that week. I just liked how he made me feel so I allowed him in. I hate myself!

 

When you said it got physical once- how far did it go? Was it intercourse, oral the whole 9 yards once? Was it heavy petting and kissing? How much detail did you give your BH?

[drifter777]

A gambling addiction can be devastating to the family finances. The sneaking & lying involved is the same as the sneaking and lying involved with infidelity. What is not the same is the sex with other people. That fact, that image makes infidelity much worse for MOST people than anything else their spouse can do to them.

 

My wife is both a compulsive gamble and a cheater and the two are not comparable in my opinion. The gambling was devastating to our finances and all the lying she had to do to keep it from me was devastating to our relationship. She got treatment and we went to a lot of counseling and have gotten past the gambling thing. Forgiveness never really crossed my mind because I saw it as a disease. She was addicted to the thrill of gambling and it was a drug to her. My condition for reconciliation was that she never gamble again. We set up parameters for her that included her not having access to any of our money. I paid all the bills and managed every penny. She had no access to our checking and savings accounts. I monitored out credit accounts - which was expensive 15 years ago. No credit or debit card access. If she found this too restrictive or unfair or whatever then she could leave or file for divorce.

 

Now, if you substituted "cheating" for gambling above this would pretty much lay out a solid 360 plan. Since I was completely committed to divorce if she didn't comply she straightened up immediately, she met every condition I imposed on her without complaint. Over time she earned some trust back and she now has a single, low-balance credit card and a debit card on one of my checking accounts that has a low balance. It's all she needs and she doesn't even ask for more even though it's been over a decade since she her last "slip". She sees these boundaries as something she needs to keep her from screwing up again. For this horrible betrayal - gambling - I was willing to work with her to fix the damage and find a way to move forward and focus on the present.

 

But her cheating is unforgivable to me. She has been true to me - as far as I know - for decades and the only thing that earns her is that I haven't divorced her. There will be no forgiveness and we will try to keep the whole thing compartmentalized and hidden away until our grandson is old enough to be on his own at which time I will likely divorce her. And there is nothing she can do to influence my decision. Maybe I'll decide to stay married for financial reasons or that it's just easier to keep the status quo. Maybe she will want to divorce me. We'll see 10 - 12 years from now.

 

Dealing with a spouse's addiction, whether chemical, eating, gambling or whatever, is horribly difficult. For me it was much easier to recover from her gambling than her cheating. Much, much easier. Unlike sexual infidelity, there are no mind movies of her sneaking off to a casino that I have to deal with. I can move forward and deal only with keeping boundaries intact. The 5 years dealing with the height of her gambling addiction was a walk in the park compared to her cheating.