I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[Whoknew30]

A gambling addiction can be devastating to the family finances. The sneaking & lying involved is the same as the sneaking and lying involved with infidelity. What is not the same is the sex with other people. That fact, that image makes infidelity much worse for MOST people than anything else their spouse can do to them.

 

My wife is both a compulsive gamble and a cheater and the two are not comparable in my opinion. The gambling was devastating to our finances and all the lying she had to do to keep it from me was devastating to our relationship. She got treatment and we went to a lot of counseling and have gotten past the gambling thing. Forgiveness never really crossed my mind because I saw it as a disease. She was addicted to the thrill of gambling and it was a drug to her. My condition for reconciliation was that she never gamble again. We set up parameters for her that included her not having access to any of our money. I paid all the bills and managed every penny. She had no access to our checking and savings accounts. I monitored out credit accounts - which was expensive 15 years ago. No credit or debit card access. If she found this too restrictive or unfair or whatever then she could leave or file for divorce.

 

Now, if you substituted "cheating" for gambling above this would pretty much lay out a solid 360 plan. Since I was completely committed to divorce if she didn't comply she straightened up immediately, she met every condition I imposed on her without complaint. Over time she earned some trust back and she now has a single, low-balance credit card and a debit card on one of my checking accounts that has a low balance. It's all she needs and she doesn't even ask for more even though it's been over a decade since she her last "slip". She sees these boundaries as something she needs to keep her from screwing up again. For this horrible betrayal - gambling - I was willing to work with her to fix the damage and find a way to move forward and focus on the present.

 

But her cheating is unforgivable to me. She has been true to me - as far as I know - for decades and the only thing that earns her is that I haven't divorced her. There will be no forgiveness and we will try to keep the whole thing compartmentalized and hidden away until our grandson is old enough to be on his own at which time I will likely divorce her. And there is nothing she can do to influence my decision. Maybe I'll decide to stay married for financial reasons or that it's just easier to keep the status quo. Maybe she will want to divorce me. We'll see 10 - 12 years from now.

 

Dealing with a spouse's addiction, whether chemical, eating, gambling or whatever, is horribly difficult. For me it was much easier to recover from her gambling than her cheating. Much, much easier. Unlike sexual infidelity, there are no mind movies of her sneaking off to a casino that I have to deal with. I can move forward and deal only with keeping boundaries intact. The 5 years dealing with the height of her gambling addiction was a walk in the park compared to her cheating.

 

 

My Uncle feels different...he's retired living in an apartment alone bc my aunt blew through their whole life savings. He would have rather her had slept with someone else vs being 70 with nothing to show for all his hard work....he still would have had half his money & had been comfortable if he would have just divorced for cheating. He cheated during the years he was attempting to rebuild & she left him & became the "victim"...their kids don't blame him at all & they have cut ties with their mom (that raised them) bc of the way their father has to live towards the end of his life, they told her "I don't blame dad for cheating" look what you did to him. So it's just to each is own as what's a "worse" betrayal I forgave an A, I could have never forgive taking my kids financial security away.

[Ws2016]

When you said it got physical once- how far did it go? Was it intercourse, oral the whole 9 yards once? Was it heavy petting and kissing? How much detail did you give your BH?

 

Yes, untercourse. I liked the initial thrill because I hadn't felt it in so long. I somehow convinced myself I deserved it. I immediately regretted it. Drove home crying and told my husband the moment he woke up. The time leading up to it was short. We knew each other a long time, he made it clear he was interested but I never stepped out of bounds. Nothing at all was going on but once I allowed it to cross that line, it all went very fast! We weren't really friends but we got along and we're friendly. Once I opened up to him, that was it.

[Labfx]

My children's welfare trump ANYTHING else right now. My hurt and his self esteem are not as important as what this could do to our kids.

I get it, I do. It was devastating to him. I never want to make another person feel like that ever!! But I need to think of my children right now, I need to make sure I get myself financially stable. His pain is important but my kids are more important.

 

If the welfare of the children is most important then I think it is clear that you need a job for financial independence and you need to part ways given all else you have shared. Financial devestation will prevent you from providing for your children whether you are married or not. Sometimes the financial addiction will transform itself into another type of addiction from my experience. To read what you have been writing I see a woman who needs to find peace on her own.

[Ws2016]

If the welfare of the children is most important then I think it is clear that you need a job for financial independence and you need to part ways given all else you have shared. Financial devestation will prevent you from providing for your children whether you are married or not. Sometimes the financial addiction will transform itself into another type of addiction from my experience. To read what you have been writing I see a woman who needs to find peace on her own.

 

I'm working on that right now. Gettting my real estate license. I already got hired by a firm and starting in January. Either way, I need to make sure I am financially stable.

[40somethingGuy]

Yes, untercourse. I liked the initial thrill because I hadn't felt it in so long. I somehow convinced myself I deserved it. I immediately regretted it. Drove home crying and told my husband the moment he woke up. The time leading up to it was short. We knew each other a long time, he made it clear he was interested but I never stepped out of bounds. Nothing at all was going on but once I allowed it to cross that line, it all went very fast! We weren't really friends but we got along and we're friendly. Once I opened up to him, that was it.

 

Just so sad that you let it get that far. Feel terrible for your husband. But I do admire you for taking responsibility. At least your husband did not find out on his own- you owned up to him.

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you. You've clarified, in all the detail needed, exactly what happened in your affair.

 

Now can we talk about what your H is doing? I'm not sure that even you are clear on this! I'm sorry.

 

I assumed that H was doing something like online poker. That kind of gambling can burn through thousands & thousands a night. You say "Gaming" though.

 

(Please note that I'm NOT saying that gaming can't be an addiction that steals countless hours from a family & changes the one addicted.)

 

Now my H is a gamer. He's spent a LOT of money over the years but that's relative. I mean thousands on new computer, hundreds on special headphones, microphones & all that stuff. Hundreds on games & add-ons etc. but it doesn't come close to $40,000 in 2 years!

 

Do you mean that your TOTAL debt is $40,000? Some spent on vacations, shopping, 'stuff' that he couldn't really afford ALL adding-up? Do you mean ALL of that money spent ONLY on online 'activities' by your husband?

 

Until we really know what he's doing it's hard to advise.

 

When you said that he asked you if he could spend some money on "gaming" I realized that you are NOT talking about online GAMBLING...or are you? It's 2 very different things.

 

Do you know exactly what he's doing online? Do you know where all that money has gone? Is he into something very shady?

 

When my H gets home I'll discuss this with him (he's a super geek). To my knowledge you can't spend $40,000 on regular gaming.

 

How much is his usual 'bonus' income that he's saying will cover his spending?

 

 

I know openly discussing finances can be very uncomfortable but I'm concerned that you aren't really sure what you're dealing with. The answers could help a lot in explaining his behavior.

 

NOTE

Adultery is psychologically a VERY different creature than financial betrayal. When the statistics say money is the big divorce culprit they're NOT just talking about gambling & betrayal. It's more 'normal' financial issues. There's nothing 'normal' about the stress & utter devastation of infidelity.

 

I think you're very aware of that though

[ShatteredLady]

I'm sorry. My husband just got home & im very wrong!!

 

Apparently there are some RPG (role playing) games where you CAN spend a fortune of real world money on virtual items!!

 

Who knew?!?!?

 

Do you know what he's playing?

[Ws2016]

Thank you. You've clarified, in all the detail needed, exactly what happened in your affair.

 

Now can we talk about what your H is doing? I'm not sure that even you are clear on this! I'm sorry.

 

I assumed that H was doing something like online poker. That kind of gambling can burn through thousands & thousands a night. You say "Gaming" though.

 

(Please note that I'm NOT saying that gaming can't be an addiction that steals countless hours from a family & changes the one addicted.)

 

Now my H is a gamer. He's spent a LOT of money over the years but that's relative. I mean thousands on new computer, hundreds on special headphones, microphones & all that stuff. Hundreds on games & add-ons etc. but it doesn't come close to $40,000 in 2 years!

 

Do you mean that your TOTAL debt is $40,000? Some spent on vacations, shopping, 'stuff' that he couldn't really afford ALL adding-up? Do you mean ALL of that money spent ONLY on online 'activities' by your husband?

 

Until we really know what he's doing it's hard to advise.

 

When you said that he asked you if he could spend some money on "gaming" I realized that you are NOT talking about online GAMBLING...or are you? It's 2 very different things.

 

Do you know exactly what he's doing online? Do you know where all that money has gone? Is he into something very shady?

 

When my H gets home I'll discuss this with him (he's a super geek). To my knowledge you can't spend $40,000 on regular gaming.

 

How much is his usual 'bonus' income that he's saying will cover his spending?

 

 

I know openly discussing finances can be very uncomfortable but I'm concerned that you aren't really sure what you're dealing with. The answers could help a lot in explaining his behavior.

 

NOTE

Adultery is psychologically a VERY different creature than financial betrayal. When the statistics say money is the big divorce culprit they're NOT just talking about gambling & betrayal. It's more 'normal' financial issues. There's nothing 'normal' about the stress & utter devastation of infidelity.

 

I think you're very aware of that though

 

Okay I will try to answer this to the best of my knowledge. I know nothing about gaming except that is can be damaging and addictive. I don't know what he plays exactly. marvel maybe? I see "kaboom" on our statements. $100 here $200 there. I haven't a clue if it's really serious or not but I don't like it. With his mother having a major gambling problem and this being an issue in the past, he knows how I feel.

 

Debt is for other things too. Vacations and things like that. I would ask him if we can afford this orcthat and he would say yes, it's coming from our savings or our credit card (I knew of one that had a limit of $5,000) I was comfortable with that. Should I have kept up on this stuff? Yes, but I trusted him! He knows I am 100% against debt! It caused huge problem in the beginning of our marriage and I felt like he overcame that and I told him I was so proud of him. Not once did he think "maybe I should come clean"

No I don't know what I am dealing with. He didn't want to give me the credit card passwords until I insisted. I did not see anything shady. I did see a LOT on gaming but other things too like I mentioned.

He does not like me near the finances. Now I know why. Now I'm tryknv to be more involved.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Ws2016, I really do not know if you are getting anything more(beneficial) from posting here. To me it seems everything has been hashed to kingdom come and all that is happening is that you are getting bashed a lot with, of course some good advice in between. The fact is that when someone comes to a forum like this one, it is to get advice and guidance on how to proceed ahead after something terrible like infidelity has occurred in one's relationship. Certainly, if one does not recognize the gravity of one's actions, he/she needs to be informed and educated about it so that the correct perspective on the problem can be obtained and one can start taking useful corrective action on it. However, if the perpetrator of such a reprehensible act accepts what he/she did was very wrong, has owned up to one's culpability and is truly remorseful, then harping on the actual act and the devastating effect it had on the person on whom it was perpetrated is, in my opinion, counterproductive.

 

From what I have gathered here, you are fully aware and have been so, from the moment you committed your transgression, of the seriousness of your betrayal of trust for your husband. You confessed your transgression to him almost immediately after committing it, and you have been patiently answering his questions ever since your confession. You have acknowledged the fact that although your husband has some basic flaws in his personality and in his treatment of you, that you too, are not the paragon of virtue that you, as a wife, should probably have been. When all is said and done the fact is that you came on here to get advice and answers on how to break the logjam that you find yourself in and move forward in a constructive manner. While some bashing and reiteration of bitter truths may have been in order, there is no point in getting stuck in a rut where it is continually made painfully aware to you that you committed a huge betrayal of trust. Since you have already accepted that it is time that those who have the experience in these matters provide you with possible solutions on how to move forward. If that is not happening and you are only going to be sadistically bashed by people who are victims of infidelity, but who have no answers on how you can move forward with your life, then it is best to call it a day here and move on to getting useful advice elsewhere. I do hope though, that whatever time you have spent here has been educative for you especially in gaining an insight into your own flaws and weaknesses so that you can begin to work on yourself and become a better human being. Warm wishes.

Edited November 2, 2016 by Just a Guy

[Ws2016]

Hi Ws2016, I really do not know if you are getting anything more(beneficial) from posting here. To me it seems everything has been hashed to kingdom come and all that is happening is that you are getting bashed a lot with, of course some good advice in between. The fact is that when someone comes to a forum like this one, it is to get advice and guidance on how to proceed ahead after something terrible like infidelity has occurred in one's relationship. Certainly, if one does not recognize the gravity of one's actions, he/she needs to be informed and educated about it so that the correct perspective on the problem can be obtained and one can start taking useful corrective action on it. However, if the perpetrator of such a reprehensible act accepts what he/she did was very wrong, has owned up to one's culpability and is truly remorseful, then harping on the actual act and the devastating effect it had on the person on whom it was perpetrated is, in my opinion, counterproductive.

 

From what I have gathered here, you are fully aware and have been so, from the moment you committed your transgression, of the seriousness of your betrayal of trust for your husband. You confessed your transgression to him almost immediately after committing it, and you have been patiently answering his questions ever since your confession. You have acknowledged the fact that although your husband has some basic flaws in his personality and in his treatment of you, that you too, are not the paragon of virtue that you, as a wife, should probably have been. When all is said and done the fact is that you came on here to get advice and answers on how to break the logjam that you find yourself in and move forward in a constructive manner. While some bashing and reiteration of bitter truths may have been in order, there is no point in getting stuck in a rut where it is continually made painfully aware to you that you committed a huge betrayal of trust. Since you have already accepted that it is time that those who have the experience in these matters provide you with possible solutions on how to move forward. If that is not happening and you are only going to be sadistically bashed by people who are victims of infidelity, but who have no answers on how you can move forward with your life, then it is best to call it a day here and move on to getting useful advice elsewhere. I do hope though, that whatever time you have spent here has been educative for you especially in gaining an insight into your own flaws and weaknesses so that you can begin to work on yourself and become a better human being. Warm wishes.

 

Thank you!

[kgcolonel]

Please just stop posting. You have no idea what you are talking about. I am preparing for the worst, hoping for a miracle.

 

WS....I hear you and maybe this will be helpful here.

 

Can you talk to the efforts you are taking to heal your husbands wounds? He hasn't walked as of yet but "hoping for a miracle" is not exactly pouring yourself into the M to make it work for the family. I hear you saying that your kids are your number one priority. Keep in mind that kids from an intact family are much healthier that those that come from broken homes.

 

Let's track this down a bit further....if you do divorce, are you prepared to stay single until the kids (I don't know their ages or genders) are up and out of the house. If he remarries or has a serious GF, your kids will spend time with that other person. Today, you don't know who that person is or what her principles will be. If you remarry, and if you have a daughter, the chances of inappropriate behavior from a step dad are significantly higher than with a single mom or with an intact family.....these are reasons to re-evaluate your stance on what you're willing to do for the kids.

 

Just my two cents.....

[Ws2016]

WS....I hear you and maybe this will be helpful here.

 

Can you talk to the efforts you are taking to heal your husbands wounds? He hasn't walked as of yet but "hoping for a miracle" is not exactly pouring yourself into the M to make it work for the family. I hear you saying that your kids are your number one priority. Keep in mind that kids from an intact family are much healthier that those that come from broken homes.

 

Let's track this down a bit further....if you do divorce, are you prepared to stay single until the kids (I don't know their ages or genders) are up and out of the house. If he remarries or has a serious GF, your kids will spend time with that other person. Today, you don't know who that person is or what her principles will be. If you remarry, and if you have a daughter, the chances of inappropriate behavior from a step dad are significantly higher than with a single mom or with an intact family.....these are reasons to re-evaluate your stance on what you're willing to do for the kids.

 

Just my two cents.....

 

I hear ya! No I am not pouring myself into the marriage. When this first happened I tried my hardest to show him I was sorry. The problem is that I don't know if I want to be with him and he sees that. I love him but things were SO BAD before this that I am scared to back. Also after finding out about the money, that made me take a step back too. Because I took a step back he took it as I stopped trying and I am done. That wasn't exactly the case and I've tried to explain it and he says I'm holding the past over his head. This was not a case of a good marriage gone bad. This marriage was bad! In the beginning I somehow hoped some way that we would be one of those couples that came out of a terrible situation stronger. It's obvious that is not going to happen and he blames it ALL on my actions right now. I don't know what to do. I am trying to work on myself, process the fact that he's been lying to me for years and trying to keep myself from going crazy! He said to work on me and he will work in him but then he says I'm not giving enough but then he says I shouldn't be and he should have expected that. I know he is losing it! But I'm not sure what he wants from me. He reads stuff and it says the WS should be pouring their hearts out, doing everything they can to show they are sorry. I did that and he said it wasn't enough. Then I found out about the money, and I am still trying to figure that out. He admits he has done nothing to show he is sorry for that because what I did was way worse and I should be doing everything in my power to win him back but I'm not sure I want him back! Should I just lie and pretend I am all in? He told me just this morning that I have done absolutely nothing to show him it won't happen again. Not now and not in the beginning. I felt like I really did. I really did try hard! know I'm not now but I really don't know what I should be doing right now. Basically he said no matter what I do will not make a difference.

 

I do not want to get divorced. That is absolutely last resort but if he can't forgive me, I'm not sure what I can do.

[OneLov]

I think you should separate until you both have made a decision to either reconcile or divorce. The only thing that you are accomplishing by living together in a state of indecision is building more resentment.

Edited November 2, 2016 by OneLov

[Cephalopod]

I do not want to get divorced. That is absolutely last resort but if he can't forgive me, I'm not sure what I can do.

 

Well...sometiomes we don't get what we want. It's part of being a responsible adult.

 

You have a husband with some serious addictions. He needs to help himself, and admit he has a problem. Nothing will change until he does.

 

Meanwhile he is annihilating any chance you have of establishing good credit.

 

You need to file for divorce for two reasons:

 

1) To set him free from you. You don't love him like a wife should, you are not sexually attracted to him, and you don't have the ability to negotiate his addiction. You need to let him go and find his own salvation or his own destruction. Whereas you need to get into some IC and some serious soul searching to determine why you have crap for personal boundaries and why you thought the answer to your problems was blowing up what was left of your marriage.

 

2) If and when you file, it will stop the marriage contract. On the date of filing you will no longer be held jointly responsible for his debts. Then you can work on establishing your credit. Credit is everything these days. You can do nothing without good credit.

 

My feeling is you should never remarry. You don't have the skillset for marriage. Date, sleep with men and have fun. Be a good mom to your kids. But never get remarried.

[Clay]

The problem is that I don't know if I want to be with him and he sees that.

 

As long as you feel that way and he sees that there will never be any kind of healing. You probably should just move towards divorce and save yourself and him by keeping you both in Limbo.

[Noirek]

As long as you feel that way and he sees that there will never be any kind of healing. You probably should just move towards divorce and save yourself and him by keeping you both in Limbo.

 

This, and this is what he means when he says he wants you to show you won't cheat again. To him, you cheated because you were halfway (or like 90%) out of the marriage. He can't feel safe if he sees you are still not all in. And for a good long time.

 

His spending sounds more like a money management problem. My recommendation on that if you do decide to stay in the marriage is you take over the finances with his input. Budget and get out of debt. And don't spend what you don't have.

 

If You don't want to divorce and split up your home. Read the five love languages. Put your husband first. Go all in. Think about his good sides. Look for them. Set yourselves dates to check in on progress. Like every three months. We live in such a selfish world where it is all about me. That has broken up more homes than anything else as the bottom line. I personally don't beleive respect and romantic love can't be regained. I've seen it happen way to much to believe otherwise. It ebs and flows really.

 

Anyways, you plan to be together for the holidays anyways so make them great. Focus on your husband and the kids. (Not money wise but quality time). Make an effort to roll with what he throws at you. (Barring abuse obviously) and when you look at him remind yourself of why you love him. Focus on that for now. Its just two months. After the holidays you can revisit this since you don't plan to seperate before anyways.

[afoolto no end]

I think you need to separate and take the time to figure out what you want, your not committed to fixing what you broke, you just wanted him to shut up about it.

Trying is not for a couple of months it is forever to make him believe in you and your marriage, he can't right now he knows he can't trust you and he knows you do not have his best interests at heart .....you have proved that.

You are not in love with your husband anymore, that is very clear...I am sure he feels it too.

what do you want a marriage like that or do you want to be in love with your husband and work on your issues...everyone has them,, your not unique.

You need to spend undivided attention to each other, no phones, tv's and just spend time together talking about everything.

Ask your husband if he needs to talk about the affair, give him an hour once a week but the rest of your time together you want to have fun with him, rebuilding the marriage.....

My husband and I also in the beginning started with a little physical comfort, hugs hello goodbye, holding hands, small things to reconnect.....

Fake it until you feel it, your passion for him will re-emerg .....if you look at him without some kind of constant effect, you married him for a reason, just see those reasons, the financial can't be worked out so it's a non issue, working as a team....

either separate for a few months or really try for a few months and see how you feel.....but you have to be all in, and stick with that even when it gets bad, you don't bail ever ........once he sees that things will change for both of you....

[Ws2016]

Well...sometiomes we don't get what we want. It's part of being a responsible adult.

 

You have a husband with some serious addictions. He needs to help himself, and admit he has a problem. Nothing will change until he does.

 

Meanwhile he is annihilating any chance you have of establishing good credit.

 

You need to file for divorce for two reasons:

 

1) To set him free from you. You don't love him like a wife should, you are not sexually attracted to him, and you don't have the ability to negotiate his addiction. You need to let him go and find his own salvation or his own destruction. Whereas you need to get into some IC and some serious soul searching to determine why you have crap for personal boundaries and why you thought the answer to your problems was blowing up what was left of your marriage.

 

2) If and when you file, it will stop the marriage contract. On the date of filing you will no longer be held jointly responsible for his debts. Then you can work on establishing your credit. Credit is everything these days. You can do nothing without good credit.

 

My feeling is you should never remarry. You don't have the skillset for marriage. Date, sleep with men and have fun. Be a good mom to your kids. But never get remarried.

 

 

In this state I will be liable for 1/2 the debt accumulated in the marriage.

Second, I have been in therapy since this has happened and I am working on my self.

Well many people cheat and end up having successful marriages either with that spouse or another if they learned and healed from their problem so not sure what that means but that's okay.

[Ws2016]

As long as you feel that way and he sees that there will never be any kind of healing. You probably should just move towards divorce and save yourself and him by keeping you both in Limbo.

 

 

I get that. Like I said before. Divorce is a big if not the biggest decision of a persons life. It's incredibly easy to tell someone to just get divorced. It's another to do it. I did not make a decision to feel the way I do about him. I wish more than anything I felt different and always trying to get that back. It's not like I woke up one day and decided to feel like this. I'm not keeping us in limbo. He doesn't know if he wants to be with me either. We are trying to figure out what to do. It's incredibly difficult.

[aileD]

I get that. Like I said before. Divorce is a big if not the biggest decision of a persons life. It's incredibly easy to tell someone to just get divorced. It's another to do it. I did not make a decision to feel the way I do about him. I wish more than anything I felt different and always trying to get that back. It's not like I woke up one day and decided to feel like this. I'm not keeping us in limbo. He doesn't know if he wants to be with me either. We are trying to figure out what to do. It's incredibly difficult.

 

I am one who thinks you shouldn't ever jump into divorce. If you are still trying to figure things out, then why file for divorce.

 

Marriage is not an easy thing especially when problems like this happen. It is a huge decision and there is a lot of chaos now.

 

I personally would just put everything on hold and give everyone a break for awhile. See what there is to salvage. Or not. It's a process.

 

Have to thought of discernment counseling? Look it up. It will help you decide if you should stay married or not snd on the meantime it's a six week process so it just slows things down a bit without any pressure to make a decision now

 

Good luck

[Cephalopod]

In this state I will be liable for 1/2 the debt accumulated in the marriage.

Second, I have been in therapy since this has happened and I am working on my self.

Well many people cheat and end up having successful marriages either with that spouse or another if they learned and healed from their problem so not sure what that means but that's okay.

 

I meant what I said. But I should have added a caveat that said "right now you are not fit for marriage", and you aren't. I'm not saying this as a slam against your character. It may be that you have been so demoralized by your husband's behavior over the years that your boundaries were whittled away to nothing.

 

You need to work on reestablishing both your moral imperative and your boundaries. If you can do both, then you could be ready for marriage in the future. But right now you are angry and bitter towards your husband... and he's not helping the situation with his passive aggressive b.s. He is not suitable for marriage either, because he acts like a child with his gaming and gambling.

 

It's a tough situation you are in. I feel for you, and I am rooting for you. But if I were you I would file for divorce now to protect you from any more financial devastation.

[Cephalopod]

I get that. Like I said before. Divorce is a big if not the biggest decision of a persons life. It's incredibly easy to tell someone to just get divorced. It's another to do it. I did not make a decision to feel the way I do about him. I wish more than anything I felt different and always trying to get that back. It's not like I woke up one day and decided to feel like this. I'm not keeping us in limbo. He doesn't know if he wants to be with me either. We are trying to figure out what to do. It's incredibly difficult.

 

Divorce is tough. I went through a horrific one and I am still paying my worthless xWW almost a third of my paycheck in alimony, and she doesn't even help take care of our daughter. She abandoned her. That's right. I pay her to stay gone, out of our lives, and so she can have the freedom to party it up and cut through boyfriends like a scythe through wheat.

 

But I would rather do that than have to live with someone I have no respect for, and who makes my life hell. For me, it is worth the money I spend.

 

Divorce is indeed tough, but there are worse things.

[Fredrickcarter]

Certain things are just not in our hands and you’re facing a similar situation right now. Time will heal the wounds, but you must remember to not blame yourself. Such extreme reactions from partners is seen only in two cases: when they’re extremely loyal or when they’re cheating on you.

The latter gives them a guilt-free pass. Before blaming yourself for this situation, you should check on your partner. Check out this link for more information that can help you: Background Searches NJ - All State Investigations

[kgcolonel]

I hear ya! No I am not pouring myself into the marriage. When this first happened I tried my hardest to show him I was sorry. The problem is that I don't know if I want to be with him and he sees that. I love him but things were SO BAD before this that I am scared to back. Also after finding out about the money, that made me take a step back too. Because I took a step back he took it as I stopped trying and I am done. That wasn't exactly the case and I've tried to explain it and he says I'm holding the past over his head. This was not a case of a good marriage gone bad. This marriage was bad! In the beginning I somehow hoped some way that we would be one of those couples that came out of a terrible situation stronger. It's obvious that is not going to happen and he blames it ALL on my actions right now. I don't know what to do. I am trying to work on myself, process the fact that he's been lying to me for years and trying to keep myself from going crazy! He said to work on me and he will work in him but then he says I'm not giving enough but then he says I shouldn't be and he should have expected that. I know he is losing it! But I'm not sure what he wants from me. He reads stuff and it says the WS should be pouring their hearts out, doing everything they can to show they are sorry. I did that and he said it wasn't enough. Then I found out about the money, and I am still trying to figure that out. He admits he has done nothing to show he is sorry for that because what I did was way worse and I should be doing everything in my power to win him back but I'm not sure I want him back! Should I just lie and pretend I am all in? He told me just this morning that I have done absolutely nothing to show him it won't happen again. Not now and not in the beginning. I felt like I really did. I really did try hard! know I'm not now but I really don't know what I should be doing right now. Basically he said no matter what I do will not make a difference.

 

I do not want to get divorced. That is absolutely last resort but if he can't forgive me, I'm not sure what I can do.

 

 

He needs to see you working to know that he can put his heart on the line. You need to see his remorse before you can forgive him for the money issue.

 

Most of all, however is that your family needs both of you to put this behind you and be adults / parents and both put your shoulders behind the M for the kids otherwise, they will be raised by strangers...wake up, it not all about you and him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

My feeling is you should never remarry. You don't have the skillset for marriage. Date, sleep with men and have fun. Be a good mom to your kids. But never get remarried.

 

Did you really just give this advice to a complete stranger over the internet?

 

OP, you can certainly remarry and have a good marriage. Your past does not predict your future. Each day when you wake up, you have a choice about how to live your day. It's called free will. You chose wrong, own it and move on. Life is short. If you meet someone new who you love and want to marry, godspeed.