I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[Cephalopod]

New. After this. It got really nasty. Said some things I gave never heard a person say to another person. Many many names. Not sure how normal that is.

 

If his slurs were referencing the affair...well OP, that stuff isn't too bad because there is a kernel of truth in what he is saying. But if he is going beyond that and being overly vulgar, crude and hurtful then you need to calmly ask him not to talk to you that way.

 

The anger and rage is normal. You need to be strong enough to let him vent his anger. He's got to get it out or it will eat him alive. You need to put on your big girl panties and absorb his outbursts when they come. But, he does not have the right to step over the line to denigrating you or doing it in front of your children. .

Edited September 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Chica80]

New. After this. It got really nasty. Said some things I gave never heard a person say to another person. Many many names. Not sure how normal that is.

 

 

I think for many men the sex. Is hard to get over they can be very territorial. Where they once saw you a certain way now that is ruined.

Is it normal, maybe? Not sure. is it understandable yes. He is allowed to feel what he feels. He is allowed to express how he feels and reassurance from you. But verbal abuse is never ok. Would it be ok if he hit you because he was so hurt? It's not different, because it's words and not physical.

[Ws2016]

If his slurs were referencing the affair...well OP, that stuff isn't too bad because there is a kernel of truth in what he is saying. But if he is going beyond that and being overly vulgar, crude and hurtful then you need to calmly ask him not to talk to you that way.

 

The anger and rage is normal. You need to be strong enough to let him vent his anger. He's got to get it out or it will eat him alive. You need to put on your big girl panties and absorb his outbursts when they come. But, he does not have the right to step over the line to denigrating you or doing it in front of your children.

 

I won't repeat the things he said but I'm a pretty tough cookie. I can handle a lot but it was crossing a line. Luckily he has toned down a lot.

Edited September 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Ws2016]

I think for many men the sex. Is hard to get over they can be very territorial. Where they once saw you a certain way now that is ruined.

Is it normal, maybe? Not sure. is it understandable yes. He is allowed to feel what he feels. He is allowed to express how he feels and reassurance from you. But verbal abuse is never ok. Would it be ok if he hit you because he was so hurt? It's not different, because it's words and not physical.

 

 

Right. That's when he took it down a lot. He said I just need to take it and I said "no, it's not okay. What's next? You hitting me? Killing me? Is that okay because I hurt you? Where is the line?" Our therapist told him this too. She knows whT he was saying and told him to stop. He did afyer that.

[BluesPower]

I have been where your husband is and I have been where you are as well. It all sucks.

 

Right now and for a while, you husband is in shock. I was for about 6 months, I could not think, was not rational, and I was angrier than I have ever been in my life.

 

Here is the deal, you did this, not your poor marriage of lack of attention from your husband or anything else. It was 100% your fault in every way.

 

You have to understand this to your core. Next, if you are willing to help your husband heal, and fight for your marriage, you have to take what he is dishing out. Don't take any physical abuse for a second. But some of the verbal abusive stuff I going to happen.

 

If you don't think you can take it get out now. If you think you can then gird you loins be cause it is going to be rough.

 

Only you can help your husband heal from you betrayal, and right now only you can try to save you marriage that you destroyed.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Cephalopod]

This helps to know I am on the right track. I have done all of this. HD has complete access to absolutely everything. My phone, tracking in my car. I tell him where I am going and if I make a detour to get coffee or something I call him up and tell him.

 

Excellent. Keep that up.

 

 

No nothing weird sexually. It was once and was nothing that lasted long at all. It was a quicky and I instantly felt sick over it. Told the OM I had to go. Didn't hear from him then he called I told him to never call me again, it was a mistake and lose my number. I blocked him and showed my husband.

 

Well, remember that "weird" is subjective. Say your husband really loves it when you do oral on him; then if you did it for OM, your husband will have to process that. He may never want you to do that for him again because that was something that was "special" that you used to do for him, and it is now no longer special.

 

Down the road, if you stay together, you may want to go to sex therapy or intimacy counseling to learn new ways of pleasuring each other... new techniques that the two of you can establish together and call your own.

 

IC is every week. Sometimes twice.

 

Excellent. Keep it up and make sure you have a therapist who is holding your feet to the fire and giving you homework.

 

I went to get STD tested and showed him the results ( we have not had sex after the affair) he won't touch me. We didn't really have sex before because we were so detached. I feel like we have been more honest since this happened then we have been in the last 5 years. Its kind of what gives me hope. I can't go back to the relationship we had but I am 200% committed to making this "new" relationship amazing.... If he gives me that chance.

 

Good job getting the STD test. Get another one six months down the road to rule out HIV.

 

As for the detachment, it sounds like the two of you let life get in the way. Here is the deal, as your husband regains his trust in you, his sexual desire should return also. He doesn't desire you because you aren't safe for him right now. Let go of the expectations for sex. Just let it go for now. Concentrate on just being there for him and with him. Talk soothingly to him, tell him you love him twenty times a day. Repeat it over and over until he begins to believe it. It will take a while.

 

Has your husband backed off any on his work schedule to make more time for you and the kids? He needs to do this.

[Cephalopod]

I think for many men the sex. Is hard to get over they can be very territorial. Where they once saw you a certain way now that is ruined.

Is it normal, maybe? Not sure. is it understandable yes. He is allowed to feel what he feels. He is allowed to express how he feels and reassurance from you. But verbal abuse is never ok. Would it be ok if he hit you because he was so hurt? It's not different, because it's words and not physical.

 

Verbal abuse can be worse because wounds to the soul don't heal. Bruises on the skin do.

[Ws2016]

I have been where your husband is and I have been where you are as well. It all sucks.

 

Right now and for a while, you husband is in shock. I was for about 6 months, I could not think, was not rational, and I was angrier than I have ever been in my life.

 

Here is the deal, you did this, not your poor marriage of lack of attention from your husband or anything else. It was 100% your fault in every way.

 

You have to understand this to your core. Next, if you are willing to help your husband heal, and fight for your marriage, you have to take what he is dishing out. Don't take any physical abuse for a second. But some of the verbal abusive stuff I going to happen.

 

If you don't think you can take it get out now. If you think you can then gird you loins be cause it is going to be rough.

 

Only you can help your husband heal from you betrayal, and right now only you can try to save you marriage that you destroyed.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

 

 

Understood! I do know this was 100% me. There were reasons that lead me to this but my actions are absolutely all my fault. I truly take accountability.

[Cephalopod]

Right. That's when he took it down a lot. He said I just need to take it and I said "no, it's not okay. What's next? You hitting me? Killing me? Is that okay because I hurt you? Where is the line?" Our therapist told him this too. She knows whT he was saying and told him to stop. He did afyer that.

 

Okay. Now forgive him for those things and let them go. Put them behind you. And never bring them up or throw them in his face in the future. It is done and over with.

 

If you want grace from him you have to extend your grace to him.

[aliveagain]

Is the other person married? Have you exposed the affair to their betrayed spouse? To many infidelity is a deal breaker. What assurances can you give him that you will keep him safe? Your word isn't good enough at this point and actions are the only thing he will believe. Is this person someone he knows, do others know?

[JohnAdams]

As we go through life, we make many mistakes, some are recoverable, some are not, I know many people do not consider adultery a mistake but a blatant choice. However, for my comments here, I am going to consider it a mistake. There are two types of mistakes, actually four, but, for adultery, I am going to say two. There is the high stakes mistake, and adultery certainly fits in here and then there are the recoverable mistakes. What you did was certainly high stakes and possibly not recoverable.

 

 

Your husband is going through grief and there are five stages of grief. Anger is one of the stages. It sounds like your husband is in the anger stage, who can blame him? Can he recover? Only time will tell. You made a choice to stab him in the back. You made a choice to commit the ultimate betrayal. I understand you regret what you did, but, it may be too little too late. You cannot erase what you did. You cannot un-sex your affair partner. Your husband will always know you did not love him the way he thought.

 

 

So, all you can do is prove by actions that you are remorseful. Words mean little at this time. Perhaps in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, 30 years he will actually believe you are sorry and remorseful. Are you willing to wait? Should you cut him loose and let him start over? You and only you chose to throw in the bomb to end it. Regardless of previous problems, you chose to not work on it and instead essentially end the marriage. Why should he trust you? Why should he give you another chance? Why should he not be angry?

 

 

You made a high stakes mistake (choice) . Welcome to the world of adultery.

[Whatnotagain]

First and only time. Started as friendship/texts.

The entire crossing the line into an emotional then one time physical affair lasted a week.

 

I think that your emotional affair was going on for much longer than one week and you need to re-evaluate your position that it was only for a week. If this man is not someone that is friends with or acquainted with your husband, then you may have crossed the line with him months ago with the friendship/texts. Did you husband know that since last February that you were friends with this man and had been exchanging texts with him prior to disclosing the affair?

[Ws2016]

I think that your emotional affair was going on for much longer than one week and you need to re-evaluate your position that it was only for a week. If this man is not someone that is friends with or acquainted with your husband, then you may have crossed the line with him months ago with the friendship/texts. Did you husband know that since last February that you were friends with this man and had been exchanging texts with him prior to disclosing the affair?

 

 

There was no texts up until the week this all happened. I should have said we were "friendly" not really friends. We volunteer at the same organization and talked a couple times a week just there. So he was an acquaintance nothing more. But one day I confided in him and he said "call me if you need to talk" and that's where it crossed the line. Since we had known each other he tild ne he was always interested in me and it all happened very fast. So no, there was nothing more before that week. I just liked how he made me feel so I allowed him in. I hate myself!

[68_f100]

I have been where your husband is and I really feel for you. I think you truly regret what you have done. I hope you guys can move past this. I hope you both make the best of a new start.

 

Don't hate yourself I doesn't help. Just work to move past it. Be ready fr the next few years to be a roller coaster lol. From his side its a rough ride for a while. Men don't deal with emotions well and so it takes us a while to adjust to all that we feel. Just try and have a positive attitude about your marriage. But don't let him walk on you. You have done wrong but don't deserve that kind of treatment. I never went down that road with my wife. None of that does anyone any good.

Edited September 8, 2016 by 68_f100

[road]

It is good that the both of you are in IC/MC.

 

 

Better yet that you have put GPS on your phone and car. Told the whole truth to your BH instead of trickle truthing.

 

 

You did not make it clear if you quit doing anything more with the org. where you met the OM. You can never go back there again. To do so would drive your BH over the edge wondering if the OM is still there and you are breaking NC with the OM.

 

 

It was right to tell your BH that he can not verbally abuse you though you are willing to talk and answer all of his questions.

 

 

Thing is once you have told him all there is to know about the affair continued talking about it will prevent you and your BH from healing. Affairs need time to heal. Healing is done by letting the affair memories fade. Talking about them only keeps those memories fresh. Like trying to expect a wound to heal when the scab is always being picked off.

 

 

Two months past D day is no where enough time to heal from an affair. The affair healing process takes two to five years.

[Ws2016]

It is good that the both of you are in IC/MC.

 

 

Better yet that you have put GPS on your phone and car. Told the whole truth to your BH instead of trickle truthing.

 

 

You did not make it clear if you quit doing anything more with the org. where you met the OM. You can never go back there again. To do so would drive your BH over the edge wondering if the OM is still there and you are breaking NC with the OM.

 

 

It was right to tell your BH that he can not verbally abuse you though you are willing to talk and answer all of his questions.

 

 

Thing is once you have told him all there is to know about the affair continued talking about it will prevent you and your BH from healing. Affairs need time to heal. Healing is done by letting the affair memories fade. Talking about them only keeps those memories fresh. Like trying to expect a wound to heal when the scab is always being picked off.

 

 

Two months past D day is no where enough time to heal from an affair. The affair healing process takes two to five years.

 

I have not been back to volunteer. There is zero contact. He called once after about a month and I made it clear that there would be no more contact and I showed my spouse that I blocked his number.

 

Yes, this is one of my fears. He is still asking questions and talking about the affair like he did the first day. I answer everything he asks but I am not sure continuing to ask over and over is doing any good. Like just today he said "I never asked but does he live in an apartment or a house? What does he drive" ? I just don't know if these answers do any good or just cause more pain?? I'm worried the questions will never end and he can never move forward. I am okay with answering anything but it's behinnjng to worry me because he isn't moving forward with his healing.

[Mrs. John Adams]

WS....I too am a FWW....My husband answered you earlier in this thread.

 

I am sorry you are here.....

 

There are a few things I always recommend to newbies.

 

Complete transparency

 

Both of you Read the Linda Macdonald book...how to help your spouse heal from your affair ....and discuss it.

 

Therapy

 

and TIME.

 

Two months is NOTHING....

 

It has been 33 years since my affair....and Reconciliation takes every day for the rest of your life...

 

You do not wake up one day and declare ...we are reconciled. Reconciliation is a work in progress.....and in your case....Your husband has not decided he WANTS reconciliation. You cannot reconcile by yourself.

 

Now having given you this information I will share something else....you will receive a lot of information here....take what applies to you and disregard the rest. While all infidelity is similar...each case is also very different. So what worked for me...may not be applicable to you.

 

I would like to ask you a question....

 

Do you understand that there is a huge difference in being sorry and true remorse? I do not know you...but I have been a cheater...and it took me YEARS to understand remorse. I thought being sorry was equal to remorse...but it isn't.

 

Remorse is understanding the pain you have caused...taking that pain within yourself....and doing everything in your power to help your spouse heal from the pain you caused. you may think you are doing this....but it is doubtful. The affair is too fresh....

 

Like my husband said....an affair is like a death....and there are several steps of grieving that we all have to go through to begin to heal.

 

I also want you to understand that just because healing may occur...doesn't mean the marriage will survive.

 

I admire you for taking responsibility for your actions...I think it is great that you have already read books and have gone to therapy....especially since it has only been 2 months since the affair. I think you are certainly on the right road .....

 

But I don't think you truly understand the repercussions of your actions...or you would not be questioning your husbands behavior this soon after you have torn his world apart. No matter what you do...or how hard you try....you can never undo what you have done....and he will forever know that you did not love him as much as he thought you did.

 

TIME....it takes the rest of your life...and both of you may decide you are not willing to wait.

[BluesPower]

No he is not moving forward yet... Because he is still in shock. The shock and anger are the first stages. He is still there.

 

I am not sure that you understand how long this takes. It takes what time you think it takes times a FACTOR of 10. Not 2 x 10, it's 2 x 10 x 10 x 10 ...... and so on.

 

Are you seeing the disconnect in perceived time to heal that you are having.

 

It takes a long time, and if you are not in the R for the long hall, then please, set him free now. If you cannot take what is going to happen over the next several years, get out now. You will save yourself and your husband a lot of pain that way.

[Ws2016]

WS....I too am a FWW....My husband answered you earlier in this thread.

 

I am sorry you are here.....

 

There are a few things I always recommend to newbies.

 

Complete transparency

 

Both of you Read the Linda Macdonald book...how to help your spouse heal from your affair ....and discuss it.

 

Therapy

 

and TIME.

 

Two months is NOTHING....

 

It has been 33 years since my affair....and Reconciliation takes every day for the rest of your life...

 

You do not wake up one day and declare ...we are reconciled. Reconciliation is a work in progress.....and in your case....Your husband has not decided he WANTS reconciliation. You cannot reconcile by yourself.

 

Now having given you this information I will share something else....you will receive a lot of information here....take what applies to you and disregard the rest. While all infidelity is similar...each case is also very different. So what worked for me...may not be applicable to you.

 

I would like to ask you a question....

 

Do you understand that there is a huge difference in being sorry and true remorse? I do not know you...but I have been a cheater...and it took me YEARS to understand remorse. I thought being sorry was equal to remorse...but it isn't.

 

Remorse is understanding the pain you have caused...taking that pain within yourself....and doing everything in your power to help your spouse heal from the pain you caused. you may think you are doing this....but it is doubtful. The affair is too fresh....

 

Like my husband said....an affair is like a death....and there are several steps of grieving that we all have to go through to begin to heal.

 

I also want you to understand that just because healing may occur...doesn't mean the marriage will survive.

 

I admire you for taking responsibility for your actions...I think it is great that you have already read books and have gone to therapy....especially since it has only been 2 months since the affair. I think you are certainly on the right road .....

 

But I don't think you truly understand the repercussions of your actions...or you would not be questioning your husbands behavior this soon after you have torn his world apart. No matter what you do...or how hard you try....you can never undo what you have done....and he will forever know that you did not love him as much as he thought you did.

 

TIME....it takes the rest of your life...and both of you may decide you are not willing to wait.

Thank you! Wonderful advice.

[Ws2016]

No he is not moving forward yet... Because he is still in shock. The shock and anger are the first stages. He is still there.

 

I am not sure that you understand how long this takes. It takes what time you think it takes times a FACTOR of 10. Not 2 x 10, it's 2 x 10 x 10 x 10 ...... and so on.

 

Are you seeing the disconnect in perceived time to heal that you are having.

 

It takes a long time, and if you are not in the R for the long hall, then please, set him free now. If you cannot take what is going to happen over the next several years, get out now. You will save yourself and your husband a lot of pain that way.

 

Well no, I don't understand how long it takes. I've never been through this before so that's why I'm asking. I want to make sure I am doing and saying the right things to help him heal.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well no, I don't understand how long it takes. I've never been through this before so that's why I'm asking. I want to make sure I am doing and saying the right things to help him heal.

 

Answering all of his questions.....is extremely important. He is processing....and sometimes he may ask the same question over and over....answer to the best of your ability...but allow him to lead. Do not volunteer more than he asks for.

 

I spilled my guts...and I should have given him time to process. So don't do what i did.

 

If you read the macdonald book...you know it is a step by step how to book.

 

The advice she gives...is incredible....if the both of you are ready to take those steps. She tells you exactly what NOT to say....and i think it is more important at this time to know what NOT to say than what to say. Honesty is a must.

 

Make sure that you place the needs of your husband before your own...make sure that you allow him time to be angry...and be understanding when he lashes out. (there is a difference in lashing out and being abusive....)

 

Remember...you have known about the affair longer than he has....you have already been processing what you did....so you are ahead of him in your healing process. Ask him often what he needs or wants you to do....and do it...

 

You never get over an affair...you learn to live with it....the sooner you understand this the better.

 

If a time comes that you find yourself being resentful...or angry at him....or you grow impatient because he is not responding as quickly as you think he should....remember that you have no one to blame but yourself....

[ShatteredLady]

I'm a literature girl. It's one of those arts that once studied leaves you believing that you're empathic. You are clearly an intelligent, compassionate woman. You feel terrible for what you've done but I bet you, I mean I'd bet you REAL MONEY that you don't really get what you've done yet!

 

That's what Mrs Adams is talking about. Decades & I think that she gets-it now.

 

I been through things in my life that I truly believed I could understand but I was so wrong. My brother, only sibling committed suicide. I had no idea!!! I couldn't even imagine the pain & the pain is the least of it.

 

My husband cheated on me. I've said 'It's like the pope, after a life of dedication dying & being met by Buddha saying "Dude you were so wrong!" But that's being flip....it's so very much worse than that!

 

You can't answer enough questions. You can't apologize enough. Every time you try to explain think of another 100 ways to explain. Reassure him in every single way you can think of reassuring & be prepared not to be believed...apologize because it's YOUR fault he doesn't believe you!

 

Work on yourself. Only through understanding why you cared enough to stay with your H but didn't care enough not to torture & disrespect him in the worst way will you start to be able to give him what he needs.

 

As an empathic person you need to understand that you have killed something deep inside your husband that he didn't even know was so precious & vital to who he is.

 

Could a murderer of a loved one make a death row confession that would make you understand & forgive? Of course not!! Saying sorry once, twice, 50 times will not be enough. It takes time. Then it takes true understanding & a lot more time.

 

 

Having said all of that.... You seem to be doing a LOT of things right. You appear to be deeply sorry & full of regret.

 

Have you mourned the sudden death of anyone very very dear to you? Did you start to get over it in a couple of months? That's the sort of time scale you're dealing with.

 

Best Wishes. Your heart really seems in the right place now.

[understand50]

Ws2016,

 

You have a lot of good advice, along with advice to take what you need for your situation. I hope you heed this. I gave some more thought, and from my "you are not in control" statement, I would like to amend that with another idea. While you may not control him or the situation, you do have sole control of yourself. Look for what you can do to help change this, into something that is helpful for him.

 

You can decide to stay with him and work on the marriage as long as he is willing.

 

You can do all the actions that may help him heal, and move on from what you did.

 

You can let him know that, while you betrayed, him you will not not abandon him.

 

Reconciliation can work, and it will be ongoing for the rest of your lives, can you commit to this?

 

I think by your actions, and if you are willing to do the hard work, this can get better. Play the long game, as this is the only thing left to you if you want to keep your marriage. Again the ultimate decision is with your husband. I think your only move now, is to allow him the all the time he needs to make up his mind, while showing you know the depth of the hurt and pain you cause, and want nothing more in life to try and make it up to him. Long odds, but sometime long odds come in.

 

 

I wish you luck.....

[Mr Blunt]

By Ws2016

I don't know if he even wants to work on the relationship. He says he sees absolutely no way he could ever be with me but constantly wants to talk about it, say mean things, ask detailed questions ect.. Which I could understand if he wanted to stay but why is he doing this if in the end he doesn't want to be with me anymore anyway?

 

 

 

 

Reply by Blunt

The opposite of love is not hate it is apathy. Your husband is not in the apathy category. I do not know how strong his love was for you in the past but he still has some love left. If he had no love he would be separated rom you and not going to therapy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Ws2016

I just liked how he made me feel so I allowed him in. I hate myself!

 

 

Reply by Blunt

GOOD GRIEF!!! ……When are people going to learn that feelings are not the strongest foundation for enduring love and keeping a relationship from exploding???.... I hear so many crushed people tell pretty much the same story….they do not add commitment, dedication, perseverance, and sacrifice as top priorities but instead allow feelings to have such a top priority.

 

 

Ws2016, you need to hate your decision and actions but take the right actions so that you do not hate yourself. Your words of remorse are of a woman that is valuable IMO.

[Mr Blunt]

By Mrs. John Adams

Make sure that you place the needs of your husband before your own...make sure that you allow him time to be angry...and be understanding when he lashes out. (There is a difference in lashing out and being abusive....)

 

 

 

 

Reply by Blunt

Ms2016, that is GREAT advice but probably the hardest to do. I would just like to add that you need to get stronger in your spiritual life and get more dependant on your God. Your husband is very hurt and will probably not be much help to you at this time and may continue to hurt you. You are also very hurt and need a lot of support. Becoming more dependant on God and your relationship with Him will help you to be better able to take the hurt, hate, and disgust that your husband may hurl at you.

 

 

You sound like a very real remorseful woman and I would love to see you have a recovery as much as possible. Your marriage can survive and be good again if you BOTH do the right things. My wife did a lot more than you did and we have been in R for over 25 years. My marriage is good almost all of the time. THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU!!!