I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[Mrs. John Adams]

So he can do whatever he wants to be because I cheated on him? Is it okay if he beats me in front of our kids? Puts a gun to my head? That's okay? Sorry. No. I talked to my therapist about what he was doing and she agreed it was not okay. She spoke to him and he realized what he was doing was not okay and stopped.

If you want to come on here and give me advice on how to help my H I am all ears. Plenty of people on here have gave me the hard core honest truth and I can take it but I am a mother. I am those children's entire life and even H will tell you I am a phenomenal mom so to just come on and say I am not worth their time or energy is just plan disgusting. Please kindly move along.

 

If your husband has reacted by putting a gun to your head and beating you ...then you need to get out..NOW....and i mean NOW

 

Take your children and go to your family...immediately.

 

This is not acceptable behavior and could be dangerous to EVERYONE. I do not care if he stopped....get out.

 

You give him time alone....he needs time to sort this out...but not with you in the house.

[Whoknew30]

The word "abuse" is tossed around too freely by some on this site. They make believe that physical abuse, emotional abuse, and verbal abuse are all one and the same. They are not. Although physical abuse and real emotional abuse are not justified, verbal abuse in the form of name calling can be justified if you just found out that your spouse f#cked someone else. In fact I find it hard to believe that most cheated on spouses would not indulge in at least some name calling when they learn of such a betrayal by there spouse.

 

So what you're saying it's ok to be abusive bc you got cheated on but it's not ok to be cheated on if your SO isn't happy with you...I don't see a difference. If you can justify abuse, then maybe your spouse can justify their A.

[Ws2016]

So he can do whatever he wants to be because I cheated on him? Is it okay if he beats me in front of our kids? Puts a gun to my head? That's okay? Sorry. No. I talked to my therapist about what he was doing and she agreed it was not okay. She spoke to him and he realized what he was doing was not okay and stopped.

If you want to come on here and give me advice on how to help my H I am all ears. Plenty of people on here have gave me the hard core honest truth and I can take it but I am a mother. I am those children's entire life and even H will tell you I am a phenomenal mom so to just come on and say I am not worth their time or energy is just plan disgusting. Please kindly move along.

 

Just to be clear.... He didn't hurt me or put a gun to my head. I was justvteying to make a point that where is the line? I just didn't want anyone to think he did anything like that. It was verbal only.

[DKT3]

One wrong action will never justify another...in any situation, ever.

 

Saying one can't help being abusive bc they got cheated on is no different than someone saying, my relationship sucked so my cheating was ok...absolutely no difference.

 

If you pull out a gun and start shooting is it the other persons fault you got shot when they shoot back.

 

Again not directed at Ws, she legit made a bad decision, a one off which is far different then a prolonged love affair where one has lied mislead stole time and energy away from family, then whine because someone is anger with them for doing it. Abuse is never acceptable, but is calling a guy who steals a thief abuse?

[Wade Lamare]

The word "abuse" is tossed around too freely by some on this site. They make believe that physical abuse, emotional abuse, and verbal abuse are all one and the same. They are not. Although physical abuse and real emotional abuse are not justified, verbal abuse in the form of name calling can be justified if you just found out that your spouse f#cked someone else. In fact I find it hard to believe that most cheated on spouses would not indulge in at least some name calling when they learn of such a betrayal by there spouse.

 

Exactly. If you just found out. Not the best part of a month later.

[Try]

I think an initial outburst of pain, grief and anger is to be expected. And yes, pull up your big girl/boy pants because you are likely to get it from both barrels with lots of hurtful, angry, expletive deleted words.

 

But if this goes on for days and weeks with no let up then yes, it is abusive.

Sorry, but after learning that you have been cheated on by your spouse, days and weeks of "lots of hurtful, angry, expletive deleted words" is not only normal, but so is months. It will die down, and in the case of the OP it has, but to focus so much negative comments toward the OP's cheated on spouse over this is ridiculous.

[Whoknew30]

If you pull out a gun and start shooting is it the other persons fault you got shot when they shoot back.

 

Again not directed at Ws, she legit made a bad decision, a one off which is far different then a prolonged love affair where one has lied mislead stole time and energy away from family, then whine because someone is anger with them for doing it. Abuse is never acceptable, but is calling a guy who steals a thief abuse?

 

Shooting is illegal, A are not. You don't go to jail for having an A wether you like it or not. If you steal a thief, that would be kidnapping which is worse than stealing in the first place.

 

Really that logic is such a double standard. If one says get out of a marriage before you have an A, the wouldn't the same logic be "get out of the marriage before you feel the need to be abusive"? Why wouldn't one floor the same logic?

[Ws2016]

So he can do whatever he wants to be because I cheated on him? Is it okay if he beats me in front of our kids? Puts a gun to my head? That's okay? Sorry. No. I talked to my therapist about what he was doing and she agreed it was not okay. She spoke to him and he realized what he was doing was not okay and stopped.

If you want to come on here and give me advice on how to help my H I am all ears. Plenty of people on here have gave me the hard core honest truth and I can take it but I am a mother. I am those children's entire life and even H will tell you I am a phenomenal mom so to just come on and say I am not worth their time or energy is just plan disgusting. Please kindly move along.

 

If your husband has reacted by putting a gun to your head and beating you ...then you need to get out..NOW....and i mean NOW

I updated this!!

Take your children and go to your family...immediately.

 

This is not acceptable behavior and could be dangerous to EVERYONE. I do not care if he stopped....get out.

 

You give him time alone....he needs time to sort this out...but not with you in the house.

 

I realized how this sounded and updated on the next page. He didn't do that, I was trying to make a point of "where is the line" the poster said I'm not worth anyone's time and I deserved the abuse and I was saying I don't agree with that because that is saying you can do anything you want to a person because they hurt you. I hope I cleared that up!!

[Ws2016]

So what you're saying it's ok to be abusive bc you got cheated on but it's not ok to be cheated on if your SO isn't happy with you...I don't see a difference. If you can justify abuse, then maybe your spouse can justify their A.

 

 

Neither is okay!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Just to be clear.... He didn't hurt me or put a gun to my head. I was justvteying to make a point that where is the line? I just didn't want anyone to think he did anything like that. It was verbal only.

 

oh dear God....sweetheart...that was really a bad thing to say.....

 

I understand your point...but really bad thing to say unless it was a fact.

 

Abuse of any kind is wrong.....but lets be very clear

 

A broken husband lashing out verbally at a cheating wife...is not abuse...it is REACTION. If it continues or escalates...it certainly can become abusive.

 

Beating, guns....those are assault and can be prosecuted.

 

Cheating....is emotional abuse...without any shadow of a doubt....

[Whoknew30]

Some of this logic completely is so hypocritical...on one end it's "there is absolutely never a reason for an A"...followed by "my spouse had an A & now that gives me the green light to behave how I want bc I'm hurt"...well what if your spouse had an A bc they felt hurt in the relationship first? going by the above logic, wouldn't it be the same thing? If a BS has such better moral high ground then why would it all of a sudden be weakened by an A? So an A ok's a BS to not have control over themselves but that same person is made at their spouse for the same thing? Sorry that makes absolutely no sense to me...sounds no different than a WS saying, our relationship was so bad it pushed me to have A...both instances lack of control, right?

 

Also I'm not saying that A are right but I'm also not the one with the logic "anything goes bc I got cheated on".

[Try]

So what you're saying it's ok to be abusive bc you got cheated on but it's not ok to be cheated on if your SO isn't happy with you...I don't see a difference.

I am saying that it is normal for a cheated on spouse to vent their anger at their cheating spouse by name calling. If you "don't see a difference" between name calling like the OP's spouse has done, and the OP f*cking another man, then we will have to agree to disagree, especially in light of the fact the name calling was in direct response to the cheating and was never an issue in the marriage prior to the cheating.

[Whoknew30]

Neither is okay!

 

Exactly! Neither, both are signs of one not being able to control their behavior! One is not justified by the other.

[DKT3]

Shooting is illegal, A are not. You don't go to jail for having an A wether you like it or not. If you steal a thief, that would be kidnapping which is worse than stealing in the first place.

 

Really that logic is such a double standard. If one says get out of a marriage before you have an A, the wouldn't the same logic be "get out of the marriage before you feel the need to be abusive"? Why wouldn't one floor the same logic?

Be careful, because adultery is actually illegal in 38 states and felonies In 9. In fact just two years ago a North Carolina man was tried and convicted of adultery.

In some parts of the time world it's a capital offence

[Whoknew30]

I am saying that it is normal for a cheated on spouse to vent their anger at their cheating spouse by name calling. If you "don't see a difference" between name calling like the OP's spouse has done, and the OP f*cking another man, then we will have to agree to disagree, especially in light of the fact the name calling was in direct response to the cheating and was never an issue in the marriage prior to the cheating.

 

I don't see a difference in not being able to control ones behavior. One doesn't get a pass to be abusive bc hey got cheated on...if the standard is "you should have left me before you cheated" then the same standard should be "leave before you become abusive"

[Try]

I'm not saying that A are right but I'm also not the one with the logic "anything goes bc I got cheated on".

Show me were anyone on this thread said anything like "anything goes bc I got cheated on". Saying that name calling is common for the first few month after learning that they got cheated on is not the same thing as anything goes. I call bull on your false straw man argument where you make believe others have have said things that they did not.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Some of this logic completely is so hypocritical...on one end it's "there is absolutely never a reason for an A"...followed by "my spouse had an A & now that gives me the green light to behave how I want bc I'm hurt"...well what if your spouse had an A bc they felt hurt in the relationship first? going by the above logic, wouldn't it be the same thing? If a BS has such better moral high ground then why would it all of a sudden be weakened by an A? So an A ok's a BS to not have control over themselves but that same person is made at their spouse for the same thing? Sorry that makes absolutely no sense to me...sounds no different than a WS saying, our relationship was so bad it pushed me to have A...both instances lack of control, right?

 

Also I'm not saying that A are right but I'm also not the one with the logic "anything goes bc I got cheated on".

 

 

I do not think anyone here is justifying abusive behavior....I think the point is being made that

 

we have a wayward wife...two months out from an affair...making statements that her betrayed husband is saying abusive things to her...

 

In all honesty....she doesn't know any better than to say it at this point. As she learns more about the repercussions of infidelity...her wisdom about what to say and what not to say...will also grow. If it doesn't...then she is missing the boat.

 

The OP...has a whole lot to learn....as we all did when we were first thrust into this situation.

 

I made some pretty horrific statements to my husband thirty years ago....and if i had come to a forum then...I most likely would have said some pretty stupid things.

 

Unfortunately...I have learned a lot about infidelity....and she will too. I am not excusing what she said....but it was honest and it shows us where she is mentally right now.

 

She will grow....

[Whoknew30]

Be careful, because adultery is actually illegal in 38 states and felonies In 9. In fact just two years ago a North Carolina man was tried and convicted of adultery.

In some parts of the time world it's a capital offence

 

Can't find that story anywhere on Google...it's also illegal to have anal sex in certain states too...we're in America, no one is going to jail for having an A, they may have to pay or lose a job but no one's going to jail. It's not a crime.

[Wade Lamare]

Sorry, but after learning that you have been cheated on by your spouse, days and weeks of "lots of hurtful, angry, expletive deleted words" is not only normal, but so is months. It will die down, and in the case of the OP it has, but to focus so much negative comments toward the OP's cheated on spouse over this is ridiculous.

 

 

Absolute nonsense. Have you read her post?

 

Every minute of the day for over three weeks. That is abusive. I don't care what she did, no one deserves that.

 

 

 

 

It was every minute of the day for over 3 weeks. I had to leave the state with my kids. It was very very bad but he did realize what he was doing and stopped. I am not playing victim. I am a very strong person and u can handle A LOT. But I was scared. I think seeing me afraid of him made him snap out of it. Now I still get a lot of grieve and that is to be expected but it was to the point I was going to break down and that wouldn't have been good for out kids as I am their primary care taker. It's much better now. Now we can concentrate on getting him healed and the other stuff is forgiven.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Absolute nonsense. Have you read her post?

 

Every minute of the day for over three weeks. That is abusive. I don't care what she did, no one deserves that.

 

I believe she might have been exaggerating a bit...don't you? Every minute of every day for three weeks? Did they sleep? Did he go to work?

 

Now...did he say ugly things to her? probably

 

Did he yell at her? probably

 

Did he cry? most likely

 

Emotions run high in this situation....perfectly normal

 

She did the right thing...she left.....he cooled down....and they are working together to figure this out.

[DKT3]

Can't find that story anywhere on Google...it's also illegal to have anal sex in certain states too...we're in America, no one is going to jail for having an A, they may have to pay or lose a job but no one's going to jail. It's not a crime.

 

Well its there, I just found it again

[DKT3]

Ws, my point is don't allow this that keep this abuse line going to pull you off task you say he has stopped so now you can move on.

 

The honest problem alot of times here is people place themselves in your shoes, and or attempt to force their ideas on you.

[Wade Lamare]

I believe she might have been exaggerating a bit...don't you? Every minute of every day for three weeks? Did they sleep? Did he go to work?

 

Now...did he say ugly things to her? probably

 

Did he yell at her? probably

 

Did he cry? most likely

 

Emotions run high in this situation....perfectly normal

 

She did the right thing...she left.....he cooled down....and they are working together to figure this out.

 

Well yes, obviously it wasn't every minute of every day, I accept that.

 

We only have her description of events to go on but if it was non stop for the best part of a month then I personally find that excessive and abusive.

 

I have no problem with, following initial discovery and the immediate aftermath, somebody going for their wayward spouse with all guns blazing but to still be doing that a month later is just plain wrong.

[dreamingoftigers]

No matter what you did he does not have the right to verbally abuse you and you certainly don't have to take it. I'd leave,give yourselves a break, think about things and see if going forward is even a viable option.

 

I agree.

 

However, I would like to know what constitutes verbal abuse in this case.

 

For instance, my husband initially accused me of it when I told him I didn't believe his lies. Apparently telling him that he lies was abusive, right after he lied right to my face and caught himself out.

 

Sometimes the WS resents the BS so much that they make up disparaging things about the BS or the state of the marriage because they don't have great boundaries to begin with.

 

Although, the BS saying something along the lines of "you have to take it" doesn't sit right with me.

 

You don't have to take it, but as someone who was betrayed quite heartlessly, I can't say I'm overly surprised.

 

It awakens something brutal and primal that takes awhe to calm down.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't know if he even wants to work on the relationship. He says he sees absolutely no way he could ever be with me but constantly wants to talk about it, say mean things, ask detailed questions ect.. Which I could understand if he wanted to stay but why is he doing this if in the end he doesn't want to be with me anymore anyway? I am trying SO HARD! It was a one time thing that lasted for not even a week before I came clean and told him everything. I deeply feel remorse and hate what I did. I don't know how else to show him. I wouldn't expect him to jusg get over it but we haven't moved in any direction in 2 months.

 

Honestly, at two months out I was still feeling kicked in the head everyday. I couldn't have made heads or tails before six months.

 

You've opened quite a can of worms here.

 

If you are serious, you are going to give him a helluva lot of breathing room. You are going to try twice as hard for five times as long.

 

This is why marital counseling works better before an affair. That sounded snarkier than I meant. Most WS can't figure out why their partner can't get past it. Most BS can't figure out why their WS is so flippant about it.