I had an affair and regret it [updated]

[Mrs. John Adams]

And we all can believe that the check is on the mail.

 

 

 

 

Too many WW's trickle truth even when they confess before the WW was caught by the BH.

 

 

Honey, I cheated, but it was just an EA.

A year later the OM kissed me.

Another year well I did kiss him back, just to see what is was like and he was awful, and I did it only once.

Next year we had a make out session in that new SUV that I always wanted that you just bought for me, and all we did was kiss.

 

 

Then admits petting and many sessions,

 

 

Then oral,

 

 

Then sex,

 

 

Then things she never did with her BH,

 

 

Then all the things she refused to do with her BH but did lots of times with her OM.

 

 

 

 

Just because a WW confesses does not mean she did not or is proof that she did not trickle truth.

 

Road ....

 

She confessed that she f***ed another man... She did not trickle truth ...

 

She did not say she had an ea she told her husband the raw nasty truth.

 

What does he need proof of?

 

This thread is about ws.. Not a million other people.

 

Her husband does not want to confront... If he changes his mind she will support his decision.

 

But he does not need to confront for evidence...because he knows what happened.

 

Your wife has trickle truthed you for thirty years... Not all wives do this ... some confess and spill their guts....

[elaine567]

Trouble for the OP here is that no doubt the husband, if he has done some reading, will naturally assume that the OP IS "trickle truthing" and that the "We only did it once" will finally become "Well, we did it every time we saw each other over the past two years..." or something similar, when the "real" truth is revealed.

Only here, that isn't the "real" truth.

 

By being honest right from the start here, she may find herself in an impossible situation.

 

I also tend to agree with DKT3, I do not believe exposure kills affairs. It may kill some, but...

"WS and AP are adults if they want to continue they will, no matter who knows what."

[stillafool]

I imagine if it weren't for his kids the husband would be filing for divorce right now. The marriage was already dead, bitterness and resentment had set in and if the kids weren't there he'd be gone. Some people can get over an affair but a lot of men never, ever get over it. If he were to stay he may feel entitled to get some on the side himself. Men usually put their wife on a pedestal and even if you do end up staying together it is doubtful he will ever put you there again.

[Ws2016]

Road ....

 

She confessed that she f***ed another man... She did not trickle truth ...

 

She did not say she had an ea she told her husband the raw nasty truth.

 

What does he need proof of?

 

This thread is about ws.. Not a million other people.

 

Her husband does not want to confront... If he changes his mind she will support his decision.

 

But he does not need to confront for evidence...because he knows what happened.

 

Your wife has trickle truthed you for thirty years... Not all wives do this ... some confess and spill their guts....

 

Yeah this was an extremely short term affair. It did happen one time (one time to many) and I told him everything. I even wrote a time table of dates/Conversations/texts from the first moment it started to the last in detail because I get things out better on paper and he said he felt like there were some gaps so I helped fill in those gaps and he said it helped a lot. There is no trickle truth going on at all.

[Lion Heart]

He has calmed down with the verbal stuff after I told him I wouldn't take it. We have kids and moving out would be really hard. I just don't know what else I can do. The person called me and after a while and I told him it was absolutely over, blocked his number and called H immediately and told him everything and he still thought I was leaving things out ect... I can't ever get upset over the questions (which I told him I understand the questions and invite them and will answer everything honestly) but when I am told I am lying even after that it can get frustrating and he tells me I have no right to get frustrated.

 

IDK but didn't you think about the CONSEQUENCES of your A BEFORE you embarked upon it wholeheartedly????

 

No?

 

Well these are it .

 

Sad you have children.

 

Whatever pain you think you feel. You had only pleasure whilst now that pleasure has turned into your Hs worst nightmare. It is FAR worse for your faithful H than you'll ever understand.....until.

 

You have to face the music which is the reality of the revolting "reconciliation" or leave.

 

I'm sure you considered THIS as a consequence once your H found out? The affair bubble has burst. All over both of you and that is not fair to your H. Your actions = his suffering. Yours only a fraction.

 

But now you're complaining. Mmmmm.

 

Do the right thing. You know what that is.

 

If you sincerely WANT to reconcile (I have only assumptions as to why...he's your children's father...major breadwinner perhaps?) then bolster yourself for a lifetime or close to it of total mistrust from your BH. Triggers and pain for him always.

 

IMHO he would do better with a faithful wife.

 

2 months and you've had enough. Pleasure bent.

 

IC

MC

 

Lion Heart

[Mrs. John Adams]

I imagine if it weren't for his kids the husband would be filing for divorce right now. The marriage was already dead, bitterness and resentment had set in and if the kids weren't there he'd be gone. Some people can get over an affair but a lot of men never, ever get over it. If he were to stay he may feel entitled to get some on the side himself. Men usually put their wife on a pedestal and even if you do end up staying together it is doubtful he will ever put you there again.

 

You could be right but then again.. He is not here to tell us how he feels or what he is thinking.

 

I am sure when I told my husband the thought of divorce certainly crossed his mind but I can so clearly hear our conversation in my mind

 

I will leave and ask for nothing

 

I want you I don't want you to leave

 

Now as the days passed he probably weighed the circumstances more heavily

 

But once he set the course I believe he was committed to that path

 

He could have at any time changed his mind if course.. But he is a much better person than I am....

 

When I confessed I told my husband everything and I gave way too much information and too many details

 

I don't think I am the only ww to do this

 

I believe many tell all there is to tell .. Especially if the affair is very brief

[Ws2016]

I imagine if it weren't for his kids the husband would be filing for divorce right now. The marriage was already dead, bitterness and resentment had set in and if the kids weren't there he'd be gone. Some people can get over an affair but a lot of men never, ever get over it. If he were to stay he may feel entitled to get some on the side himself. Men usually put their wife on a pedestal and even if you do end up staying together it is doubtful he will ever put you there again.

 

Very possible. The interesting thing about this is that we both feel we have been more open and honest with each orher since this happened. We were both holding things back, lying, holding resentment ect... But talking and talking over these last couple if months have really opened up all those wounds and we have finally learned to be honest with one another. We both said it sucks that it took something so awful, so deceitful, so cruel to realize how much we actually did love each other but were living in resentment FOR YEARS! After this happened he said "it hurts so bad because I was in love with you" he has never told me that before. He said I should have just assumed it but I truly did not think he was in love with me. This was one of our many issues but all those things are out now. We have poured out our emotions to each other and cried. It's been quite a ride so far and I know it's only the beginning.

[Ws2016]

IDK but didn't you think about the CONSEQUENCES of your A BEFORE you embarked upon it wholeheartedly????

 

No?

 

Well these are it .

 

Sad you have children.

 

Whatever pain you think you feel. You had only pleasure whilst now that pleasure has turned into your Hs worst nightmare. It is FAR worse for your faithful H than you'll ever understand.....until.

 

You have to face the music which is the reality of the revolting "reconciliation" or leave.

 

I'm sure you considered THIS as a consequence once your H found out? The affair bubble has burst. All over both of you and that is not fair to your H. Your actions = his suffering. Yours only a fraction.

 

But now you're complaining. Mmmmm.

 

Do the right thing. You know what that is.

 

If you sincerely WANT to reconcile (I have only assumptions as to why...he's your children's father...major breadwinner perhaps?) then bolster yourself for a lifetime or close to it of total mistrust from your BH. Triggers and pain for him always.

 

IMHO he would do better with a faithful wife.

 

2 months and you've had enough. Pleasure bent.

 

IC

MC

 

Lion Heart

You can say anything you would like about me but I ask you to please not speak of my children. It's not to bad I have children.

 

I never said I had enough and I am not complaining. Please read my other responses.

And no, you do not consider how much it will hurt someone while it's going on. It this was the case, affairs would not happen. Its a damn shame us WS don't realize the damage until it's too late. I can't change what I did. All I can do is everything in my power to help him through this and face whatever consequences I have coming.

[understand50]

OK,

 

At this point, I think WS2016 needs more, "How to go about the next day, week, month", instead of a rehash of her past actions trying to "handle" this. Like the actual affair all her actions are baked in, and can not be redone. Yes, she maybe told too many details, but it is done. Yes, she has made missteps, but unless you have gone trough this, you do not know how or what is going to happen. We are looking back from experience.

 

From my point of view, she is doing all the right things and searching for what and how to go forward. Her husband is in real pain, but is still in the picture, so there is hope for a reconciliation. How, can she help this along, past what she is doing NOW?

 

My take, is really nothing at this time, past keeping up what she is doing. The big decisions are with the husband, and she need to show herself, in the best light, until he has time to sort out all he is going through.

 

WS2016, keep it up. I think what you are doing now, is the best track, and you need to focus and not get distracted, on what you could have done better. You have owned your actions, and answered all your husbands questions. Now put him first, realize that on a fundamentally level this will never go a way for him, but can only be dulled with time. The same can be said of you. Always remember, you are going to have to work on this with him for the rest of your life. Things can get better, and will over time. Your marriage and relationship is fragile, so treat it with care.

 

I wish you luck.....

[Ws2016]

OK,

 

At this point, I think WS2016 needs more, "How to go about the next day, week, month", instead of a rehash of her past actions trying to "handle" this. Like the actual affair all her actions are baked in, and can not be redone. Yes, she maybe told too many details, but it is done. Yes, she has made missteps, but unless you have gone trough this, you do not know how or what is going to happen. We are looking back from experience.

 

From my point of view, she is doing all the right things and searching for what and how to go forward. Her husband is in real pain, but is still in the picture, so there is hope for a reconciliation. How, can she help this along, past what she is doing NOW?

 

My take, is really nothing at this time, past keeping up what she is doing. The big decisions are with the husband, and she need to show herself, in the best light, until he has time to sort out all he is going through.

 

WS2016, keep it up. I think what you are doing now, is the best track, and you need to focus and not get distracted, on what you could have done better. You have owned your actions, and answered all your husbands questions. Now put him first, realize that on a fundamentally level this will never go a way for him, but can only be dulled with time. The same can be said of you. Always remember, you are going to have to work on this with him for the rest of your life. Things can get better, and will over time. Your marriage and relationship is fragile, so treat it with care.

 

I wish you luck.....

Thank you!

[Mrs. John Adams]

A ws who has confessed... Who has read books .. Who is going to therapy

 

Is making a statement

 

I want this marriage and I am willing to do what it takes to keep it

 

She will make mistakes along the way ... We all do

 

I am for letting her husband judge her

 

I am here to help in any way I can

 

And that means being honest with her but not kicking her while she is down

 

Advice is free ws... Take what you need girl and disregard the rest.

[Cephalopod]

I think Ws is doing all she can do on the functional end.

 

Ws are you doing anything other than counseling to re-build and fortify your moral and spiritual compass?

[ladydesigner]

I imagine if it weren't for his kids the husband would be filing for divorce right now. The marriage was already dead, bitterness and resentment had set in and if the kids weren't there he'd be gone. Some people can get over an affair but a lot of men never, ever get over it. If he were to stay he may feel entitled to get some on the side himself. Men usually put their wife on a pedestal and even if you do end up staying together it is doubtful he will ever put you there again.

 

This works both ways. I honestly believe that no one really gets over an A you learn to live with what has happened and move forward.

 

As far as the pedestal thing, yep either man or woman the pedestal crumbles after infidelity, never again!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ws ... An important thing to remember is sometimes we go two steps forward and one step back

 

The most important thing is to keep on keeping on

 

When you encounter an obstacle... Face it and work through it together

 

Just like you have your whole married life up until recently.

 

Marriage takes both people working on it... And marriage touched by infidelity is even more work.

 

It is not easy...

 

Continue to work on yourself and be supportive of your husband working on himself. Be careful to not blame shift or criticize him .. Not to him and not here.

 

What I mean by that is this.... Everything you say as a wayward will be picked apart here.

 

Why?

 

Because many of the folks here are betrayed spouses and their scars run deep.

 

Even though we do not mean to... We each read the threads here and apply our own personal situations... You can't help it.

 

I am relating to you because I was a young wayward with 2 children. I had a very brief affair.

 

So in your posts .. I see myself

 

Be patient with folks here... Remember we all carry our own pain...

 

Don't take what is said personally... I know that's hard to do when people are picking you apart and saying hurtful things.

 

You'll make it kid ... Just hang in there and take one day at a time.

[Try]

Yeah this was an extremely short term affair. It did happen one time (one time to many) and I told him everything. I even wrote a time table of dates/Conversations/texts from the first moment it started to the last in detail because I get things out better on paper and he said he felt like there were some gaps so I helped fill in those gaps and he said it helped a lot. There is no trickle truth going on at all.

Many here on this site apply general rules when giving advice without looking at the specific situation. The fact that you confessed on your own, and admitted up front to full on sex makes you different than most cheaters, thus general rules may not apply. Bottom line, I would give you the benifit of the doubt and believe you. Edited September 9, 2016 by Try

[Wade Lamare]

 

As far as the way he was acting those few weeks................ I wish I didn't mention it in this thread really........

 

 

No, don't worry about that. You were perfectly correct to pass on that information. The more information these good people have the more they can help.

 

Don't worry about the petty bickering that goes on here, I'm a newbie and I've already noticed that these peeps on this board could argue the front legs and the back legs off of a donkey.

 

I think it is all part of a process. Ideas, opinions and strategies get aired and argued over. Arguments between factions break out but eventually a consensus, or at most a handful of options, is reached.

 

Anyway, I'm sure they'll think about it and realise they were wrong and I was right

[aliveagain]

OK,

 

At this point, I think WS2016 needs more, "How to go about the next day, week, month", instead of a rehash of her past actions trying to "handle" this. Like the actual affair all her actions are baked in, and can not be redone. Yes, she maybe told too many details, but it is done. Yes, she has made missteps, but unless you have gone trough this, you do not know how or what is going to happen. We are looking back from experience.

 

From my point of view, she is doing all the right things and searching for what and how to go forward. Her husband is in real pain, but is still in the picture, so there is hope for a reconciliation. How, can she help this along, past what she is doing NOW?

 

My take, is really nothing at this time, past keeping up what she is doing. The big decisions are with the husband, and she need to show herself, in the best light, until he has time to sort out all he is going through.

 

WS2016, keep it up. I think what you are doing now, is the best track, and you need to focus and not get distracted, on what you could have done better. You have owned your actions, and answered all your husbands questions. Now put him first, realize that on a fundamentally level this will never go a way for him, but can only be dulled with time. The same can be said of you. Always remember, you are going to have to work on this with him for the rest of your life. Things can get better, and will over time. Your marriage and relationship is fragile, so treat it with care.

 

I wish you luck.....

 

Ws2016, if you take anything from post take this, "Keep Him In The Present" because the future holds fear, the past you can't undo but holding his hands and looking him in the eyes today, right now is real. Living in the past is hopeless because all the sh*t that has happened can't be undone so stop going there. Thinking about the future is out of everyone's control because no one knows how it will play out yet. What you need to do is to make sure your both committed to the same end, you need to engage each other because that is within each others control. You both have to want the same thing, living life together is more meaningful because without the other it won't seem worth it.

 

May I suggest a post nuptial agreement if you want to gain his trust, the agreement would give him most of the marital assets if you cheat on him again? He will believe that but don't offer it if you don't think you can keep that much of a commitment to him. Please tell me the infidelity didn't happen in your home. Were you wearing your wedding rings when you cheated on him?

[road]

It does not matter how much she told or who she told when the OM is not exposed.

 

 

It is great when a WW confesses, does not trickle truth.

 

 

The problem with not exposing the OMW is being ignored.

 

 

Many OM are predators grooming their next victim. They skillfully use the friendship game to start the WW onto the slippery slope to having an affair.

 

 

Predators are persistent. They put in a lot of time and effort. And when it pays off they do not like to let go of an easy mark.

 

 

This OM has proven he is of this nature.

 

 

After the WW called off the affair what did the OP's OM do?

 

 

He broke NC trying to restart the affair. They try to restart the affair once they will try to start it again. They have been known to wait months, even years.

 

 

Why was this OM so brave?

 

 

There were no consequences for him after banging another man's wife. Nothing. The OMW is not making his life hell for having an affair. The BH has not called him out by exposing the affair. A BH can not fail to mate protect his wife, wayward or not.

[whichwayisup]

what do you do when you regret an affair, came clean, answering every question, giving spouse access to phone, emails ect, letting him track me on my car, telling him every detail, going to therapy (sometimes twice a week) really showing how I know I screwed up and I take full responsibility ect.. But it's not enough? He says he doesn't see how we can ever work it out and he doesn't really want to but he hasn't left, he asks me questions and wants to talk to me about it all the time, he has been extremely verbally abusive and says I just need to take it for what I did. I am truly TRULY remorseful for my actions, I call it what it was.... A downright deceitful betrayal. No matter how bad our marriage was (and it was pretty bad but nothing abusive) there was no excuse for my actions. I see this! But I'm not sure what to do at this point? It's only been 2 months but even when I tell him the truth he says he doesn't believe me and never will but I keep trying. I don't kmow what to do.

 

You give him time and space to figure it out. He may forgive you but not want to stay married to someone who cheated and had an affair behind his back. All you can do is do counseling on your own, fix what's broken inside of you. This is his decision now, maybe he'll want to give you a second chance and want to fight hard to salvage the marriage, but as you say, things weren't good so maybe he feels like it's not worth it. Time will tell.

 

It's good you confessed and have owned everything and not blaming him or the martial issues as an excuse for choosing to cheat.

[Wade Lamare]

It does not matter how much she told or who she told when the OM is not exposed.

 

 

It is great when a WW confesses, does not trickle truth.

 

 

The problem with not exposing the OMW is being ignored.

 

 

Many OM are predators grooming their next victim. They skillfully use the friendship game to start the WW onto the slippery slope to having an affair.

 

 

Predators are persistent. They put in a lot of time and effort. And when it pays off they do not like to let go of an easy mark.

 

 

This OM has proven he is of this nature.

 

 

After the WW called off the affair what did the OP's OM do?

 

 

He broke NC trying to restart the affair. They try to restart the affair once they will try to start it again. They have been known to wait months, even years.

 

 

Why was this OM so brave?

 

 

There were no consequences for him after banging another man's wife. Nothing. The OMW is not making his life hell for having an affair. The BH has not called him out by exposing the affair. A BH can not fail to mate protect his wife, wayward or not.

 

He may do yet. People process these things at different times and at different speeds.

 

I would not be at all surprised if at some point in the future some of Ws's husband's anger turns towards OM.

 

Ws, you mention that you, rightly I think, have left that sort of decision up to your husband.

 

If you had to advise your hubby, what would be your decision?

 

Do you think a little payback might help your hubby deal with this a little?

[Ws2016]

deleted post

 

You said I have no interest in facing the consequences. All I have said in here us that I am ready to face the consequences and do whatever it takes to help heal my spouse.

Edited September 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[alsudduth]

You said I have no interest in facing the consequences. All I have said in here us that I am ready to face the consequences and do whatever it takes to help heal my spouse.

 

Hang in there Ws2016. This person is clearly a troll, don't take his bait to upset you.

 

I am in a similar situation as you, though you were much braver than I was in confessing your affair....I got caught. I applaud you for doing the right thing in light of your betrayal. (((Hugs)))

[understand50]

You said I have no interest in facing the consequences. All I have said in here us that I am ready to face the consequences and do whatever it takes to help heal my spouse.

 

WS2016,

 

This is one of those situations where talking about this is not really helpful. You are facing the consequences, you have faced them. Having consequences, does not mean you pick the worse one and embrace it, to show you are punished. Let your husband decide what your consequences will be. You have those you have imposed on yourself. Case closed.

 

What are you doing now?

 

Have you read the links and books suggested?

 

Have you, better yet, shared them with your husband? Can you at this time?

 

Is your husband getting any better, and willing to talk past just yelling and being angry? How is that going?

 

How are the children?

 

How are you feeling? Better, hopeful, or lost?

 

Let's try and move to the nuts and bolts of getting through this, as best you can. Any specific questions?

 

As always I wish you luck........

[Ws2016]

WS2016,

 

This is one of those situations where talking about this is not really helpful. You are facing the consequences, you have faced them. Having consequences, does not mean you pick the worse one and embrace it, to show you are punished. Let your husband decide what your consequences will be. You have those you have imposed on yourself. Case closed.

 

What are you doing now?

 

Have you read the links and books suggested?

 

Have you, better yet, shared them with your husband? Can you at this time?

 

Is your husband getting any better, and willing to talk past just yelling and being angry? How is that going?

 

How are the children?

 

How are you feeling? Better, hopeful, or lost?

 

Let's try and move to the nuts and bolts of getting through this, as best you can. Any specific questions?

 

As always I wish you luck........

 

Thank you.

He is not yelling anymore. He has his good moments and bad moments. He feels "numb" a lot and this is always hard for him. Right now I am just trying to show him that I understand what he is going through (as much as I can of course) I have read "how to heal your spouse" that was quite an eye opener and that is when I really took a turn to understanding his pain.

As far as me, I'm just disgusted in myself. I did something so out of character it's hard to even understand.

The kids are good. We just told them mom and dad are going through a rough patch so things may be a little tough for a while. We hide it well in front of the kids. This for sure is the hardest thing we have both went through. I know he wants to get through this and make our marriage work but I honestly don't know if he can.

[ladydesigner]

Thank you.

He is not yelling anymore. He has his good moments and bad moments. He feels "numb" a lot and this is always hard for him. Right now I am just trying to show him that I understand what he is going through (as much as I can of course) I have read "how to heal your spouse" that was quite an eye opener and that is when I really took a turn to understanding his pain.

As far as me, I'm just disgusted in myself. I did something so out of character it's hard to even understand.

The kids are good. We just told them mom and dad are going through a rough patch so things may be a little tough for a while. We hide it well in front of the kids. This for sure is the hardest thing we have both went through. I know he wants to get through this and make our marriage work but I honestly don't know if he can.

 

Ws2016 if my WH would have shown me just an ounce of what you are writing here we would be R'ing.