My First Love - Issues 25 Years Later [UPDATE: Contacting Ex GF (22 yrs ago) Tomorrow

[Just a Guy]

Hi Wookin, if this is such a fixation with you I would think that you should get yourself to a psychologist/ counsellor and work with him/her to find ou5 the reason for your obsession with your ex and then undergo therapy to help you get rid of this obsession. Infatuation is a high fuelled by hormones which run wild when one is a teenager. It is something which does not last. Look at it this way, maybe your ex did you a big favour by dumping you leading you to derive the motivation to excel in life and find your true love, a woman who would remain by your side through thick and thin and not dump you at the first sign of problems in real life. Warm wishes.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hi Wookin, if this is such a fixation with you I would think that you should get yourself to a psychologist/ counsellor and work with him/her to find ou5 the reason for your obsession with your ex and then undergo therapy to help you get rid of this obsession.

 

There you go. And I'll give you the quick and dirty answer for free - it's not her, it's what she represents.

 

Do with it what you will ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sc0316]

It sounds like you were never infatuated with your wife.

 

I believe all good relationships should start out with the infatuation stage.

 

If men skip it, and they do not fall hard for a girl, they will always wonder " what if" when they are happy and " comfortable" with their wife, and think back to times that they felt more passion and fell head over heels.

 

I waited to fall head over heels. I knew I was the kind of person who needs that spark. Or else I am apt at feeling that " alive" and passionate feeling about someone else, if it is not present in my current relationships......

 

Leigh has a point. Also, if you are truly having a happy and successful life, you won't have this need to broadcast to her about how happy and successful you are now; you'll just be indifferent to her.

[central]

Answers and closure can be nice even after 40 years, even when you're long over someone and rarely if ever think of them.

 

That happened to me earlier this year at my father's funeral. My first real love from high school/college came to the funeral. I hadn't heard anything about her - or from her - in over 40 years. We only spent 5 minutes talking alone, but it provided some closure even so, and I'm glad she showed up. She met my wife and another ex who also showed up. I doubt we'll ever encounter each other again, and made no effort to remain in contact.

[Leigh 87]

granted this is harsh --- stop listening to the women... do NOT 'talk' to you W about this... why?

 

 

 

simple, it was your first love. you are looking back with fondness of the good times. overlooking the down and glossing over the cruel --- seriously, reread your posts: exhibit A - what would you tell a friend when an ex 'april fools' you.

 

so your mind elevates her to: better looking, smarter, wittier, funnier, more dymantic --- than anything/anyone in this world.

 

great, who cares, you are still... much like your HS/college years of carefree, lots of free time, carefree spending and no responsibility --- treasure the memory. but leave it at that a memory.

 

 

I have a first love. We fell head over heels and had the instant spark.

 

We loved each other very much at one stage of our 2 year relationship.

 

I am now 30. It is over ten years later. I DO NOT even think about my first love !

 

Why? Because I held out for a guy who I am just as crazy about. I waited for a guy who I experienced the honeymoon period with again - which is why I do not think of my first love!

 

When I opted to date men I felt meh about - of course I thought about men, NOT just my first love, but also men I felt the hots for - because I got the buzz and thrill and honeymoon - y feelings from other men, yet not the man I was dating at the time.

 

That is why you date. You eliminate the people you are not satisfied with.

 

You do not marry people where you still have a sense of longing for the spark, the chemistry and the sense of longing and for intensity you "once had" - You are supposed to FIND IT AGAIN with a future spouse! It does not LAST - the instant buzz- but it does lead to a sense of " satisfaction" whereby you do not look back to prior relations and feel " well, why did I not feel that intensity with my husband/wife ?

[Leigh 87]

I always wondered if the reason I still think about my ex gf is that I never experienced that same infatuation, extreme love after my ex gf. My wife is great and has a lot of great qualities but I wonder if I just settled for the first girl that was into me. But maybe that infatuation I had with my ex wasn't normal? Maybe what I have with my wife is normal? I JUST DONT KNOW.

 

 

Others pointed out I am remembering the good of my ex, not the reason we broke up. I wonder if I am remember the care free days of being 19 & 20, hanging out, having sex all the time, etc. Maybe that is why I hold her in such high regard.

 

 

As far as forgetting the bad stuff that led to our break up, I sort of forgive her for being a "witch" as someone put it. I wasn't the best boyfriend at times. As she got to college and began spreading her wings a bit, I was very insecure (mainly caused by a couple brief past relationships) and would be controlling and possessive at times. That may have pushed her away.

 

 

Also while we were drifting apart my senior year, she cut off any intimacy (September) and eventually said we need to take a break (January). We still were semi-together (Jan-Feb) and I ended up cheating with someone she knew (late Feb-early march, cant remember). That was the final straw for her to make a clean break. So I guess I deserve what I got.

 

 

Following the break up my life was in the dumps while she apparently "upgraded" - that really hurt.

 

 

I just don't know why I still think of her all the time.

 

 

 

You are right - most people do not end up marrying the person they fall head ver heels for.

 

Alas - the people we "want" the most and those we feel the most "passionate" - about, are rarely the ones we also end up with.

It is simply akin to a lotto win - to find mutual instant sparks that lead to the deeper, more passionate IN love feelings - Alongside amazing compatibility.

 

So no- what you felt for your first love is not in fact common or normal to have with a long term spouse who you share a house and start a family with.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am a dreamer though, alongside at east 2 other posters here I have spoken with. There are a handful of us on this board who do subscribe to the instant and natural chemistry, the fairytale feelings, the intensity which YOU felt with your ex - And we need that initial infatuation stage for us to feel happy with a compatible partner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some people do not need this initial infatuation no honeymoon stage to feel content.

Others such as yourself - do need it. If you were totally content to live without that little but of "magic" - that MOST adults do not need - You would not be on here asking such questions, right?

 

 

You see - I only go for people I do feel that special pull towards. As a result, I dated LOADS, slept with LOADS, and had to learn to be happily single and dating around - BEFORE I found "the One" who I believe I will marry in the next few years.

 

I find this works best for me, because I felt the initial magic with my boyfriend, I do not look back with those Google eyes or special "feeling" attached to the prior lovers who I felt. Sparks and margin and unicorns with..

 

I understand it is merely chemistry; which always fades to an extent, about I do NOT carry a sense of wonder and " what ifs" when it comes to my current partner - since I know chemistry has occurred between me and partners BEFORE and also occurred with my CURRENT.

 

There is no sense of longing of lacking for something I never had with my current and shared in the past.

 

Most people do not care much for the fact they felt greater feelings for an ex. Most people are more content with a family unit, a mortgage and a life partner - then they are holding out for "true love" and that special, instant spark that can result in the super intense burst of feelings........

 

If you are like me though - I do not need a family and mortgage and the traditional crap, and thus go after the all en compassion true love style of relationships, where you are infatuated, and after the infatuation you still have great chemistry and do NOT feel a sense of longing - since chemistry so just chemistry, and you learn you felt it in the past and felt it with your current and therefore, it is nothing to long for.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is just my own train of thought - my friend has a similar personality to mine and thus she had the instant fireworks with her fiancé as I had with my own BF - we would simply not be compelled to date without it.

 

Although she is young, early 20s, and has admitted that her need to have children is so great that if she was early 30s and still single - she WOULD be happier settling for mediorore chemistry and great compatibility - for the sake of having a family.

 

Most women especially, have to make this decision; chase the feelings, the great feelings that make you feel like you are walking through the clouds and grinning like an idiot randomly - Or accept the fact she will never fall hard for a reliable and safe guy who is actually into her and wanting the same things in life that she wants.

 

Men have higher bio clocks and have a few extra years to find the love of their lives.

 

I think most people send up in the middle; they do not fall hopelessly in love with the great love of their life INITIALLY - But the person who does not initially make their toes curl or their knees weak ends up being such a amazing rock in their lives that the lack of "sizzling chemistry" becomes an afterthought, if they even think about it at all in the end.

 

Basically, most people are very happy in your position. Providing their chemistry and sex lives are are least decent. If you LACK chemistry AT ALL - then that can pose a threat to any marriage. There should be SOME times where you feel wild desire, if not the same natural and frequent ways you once felt it for an ex who you had the natural and instant chemistry with.

[Mr. Lucky]

That happened to me earlier this year at my father's funeral. My first real love from high school/college came to the funeral. I hadn't heard anything about her - or from her - in over 40 years. We only spent 5 minutes talking alone, but it provided some closure even so, and I'm glad she showed up. She met my wife and another ex who also showed up. I doubt we'll ever encounter each other again, and made no effort to remain in contact.

 

Different scenario than jeopardizing your marriage by intentionally seeking out the one person your wife is most insecure about - after she's asked you not to. And you've lied to her and said you weren't interested in doing so anyway ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Answers and closure can be nice even after 40 years, even when you're long over someone and rarely if ever think of them.

 

That happened to me earlier this year at my father's funeral. My first real love from high school/college came to the funeral. I hadn't heard anything about her - or from her - in over 40 years. We only spent 5 minutes talking alone, but it provided some closure even so, and I'm glad she showed up. She met my wife and another ex who also showed up. I doubt we'll ever encounter each other again, and made no effort to remain in contact.

 

I think this is what I actually want. Just to see her and it would bring me back to reality. I that I believe all these years I have built her up on a pedestal and have this great mental fascination with her.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I have a first love. We fell head over heels and had the instant spark.

 

We loved each other very much at one stage of our 2 year relationship.

 

I am now 30. It is over ten years later. I DO NOT even think about my first love !

 

Why? Because I held out for a guy who I am just as crazy about. I waited for a guy who I experienced the honeymoon period with again - which is why I do not think of my first love!

 

 

I think that is a HUGE part of my issue. I never got to experience that type of love again to put her out of my thoughts.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

This time of year - Labor Day & Fall is tough - that is when I fell hard for this girl and she with me. Have so many good memories but it makes me depressed to think how it was lost, she's gone. Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks - "OMG I didn't end up with her"

[Mr. Lucky]

Have so many good memories but it makes me depressed to think how it was lost, she's gone. Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks - "OMG I didn't end up with her"

 

I that I believe all these years I have built her up on a pedestal and have this great mental fascination with her.

 

I never got to experience that type of love again to put her out of my thoughts.

 

Why aren't you working on your relationship with the "other" woman - you know, the one at home, in your house, with your kids ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr. Lucky

[jen1447]

This time of year - Labor Day & Fall is tough - that is when I fell hard for this girl and she with me. Have so many good memories but it makes me depressed to think how it was lost, she's gone. Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks - "OMG I didn't end up with her"

 

Perspective helps here - you ended up w another woman at least. Some of those lost souls out there who have to go thru the same thing never do.

[Timshel]

I have seriously thought about just being honest but its a catch 22. Wife will always think I have had strong feelings for her (ex gf) and want to reconnect even if I say it is for therapeutic reasons.

 

 

Yes she played that joke on me. When she called and said she wanted to get back together I never said yes but something like "i think a lot about you" then she cut me off and said "April fools" and she would never want to date me then heard a bunch of laughter in the background with her friends.

 

This quote from OP on a loop just to ask..ARE YOU SERIOUS??

 

As Mr. Lucky has kindly pointed out...you were 19....she was 17.

 

Well if this isn't a case of GIG's, I don't know what is.

 

Yep, you two will have passion like your teenage selves, because years later, she did play that super attractive, teeny sort of April Fools joke.

 

I'm sure you two will go right back to the good ole' days of teenage shenanigans.

 

Responsibilities, spouses, kids and all kinds of supposed growing up be dahmed.

 

Good luck and may the force be with you.

[Leigh 87]

I think that is a HUGE part of my issue. I never got to experience that type of love again to put her out of my thoughts.

 

This is really sad.

 

Not everyone needs fireworks. This is true. But some people really ARE a lot happier and I would go as far as to say that they NEED the Sparks and that " feeling" with a spouse - where they first meet and it just feels like magic being around them. Their touch sends you into such an aroused state. This intense type of wild attraction CAN and DOES leads SOME individuals to feel perceived " deeper" feelings in the long run.

 

I have personally only felt this way for my current guy and one other BF. If I had settled down with a few of my other exes where I got together with them much the same way as you and your wife first began your relationship like - I WOULD have had an affair by now. OR better yet, divorced them.

 

When I look back at the various states of infatuations I have shared with ....a few men, a small handful.....so less than 5 all up after a LOT of dating - I could not imagine longing for that rush due to lacking it with a long term partner in the present.

 

I do not think you should HAVE to stay in a loveless marriage.

 

Loving someone as a person and as the mother of your kids is not enough to be totally fulfilled but alas, you can get your kicks from your children's lives and sports, activities... You do not HAVE to be totally content. NO ONE really has it all. Me? I have the great love story but my BF is a former addict recovering so clearly I got one thing, and lost out of another ( most people will not date an addict nor trust them to ever get better).

 

My acquaintance is a married guy. 4 kids. He is the type who was destined to be a dad.

 

He is also in a loveless marriage. He admitted.confessed this to me 2 years into our friendship. They were FWBs during University and she accidentally fell pregnant so he stayed with her for the sake of the kid. Not out of being into her or in love with her.

 

He has a high sex drive and made it obvious to me that he had cheated. They do not have sex, him and his wife. HIs wife thinks he is the love of her life. HE would beg to differ... Well, since he described his marriage as loveless and all!

 

I am sure he doesn't enjoy being constantly horny and wishing he could have sex with women he felt he spark with, since he never had it with his wife. But this is his choice - he feels staying together for the kids is just what he has to do. Getting his thrills from sex with women he actually feels into would not be worth the guilt of leaving his wife and having the kids displaced.

 

The choice is yours. I thank God I did not settle with my ex a who adored me but I felt no chemistry with in the end. He would have been loyal and treated me well.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

This is really sad.

 

I do not think you should HAVE to stay in a loveless marriage.

 

I am sure he doesn't enjoy being constantly horny and wishing he could have sex with women he felt he spark with, since he never had it with his wife. But this is his choice - he feels staying together for the kids is just what he has to do. Getting his thrills from sex with women he actually feels into would not be worth the guilt of leaving his wife and having the kids displaced.

 

The choice is yours. I thank God I did not settle with my ex a who adored me but I felt no chemistry with in the end. He would have been loyal and treated me well.

 

Yeah, I admit I settled. Lots going on in my life at the time. My wife even admitted early on she kinda forced me to love her.

 

 

Now some days are good, I feel comfortable. She does good things for our kids most of the time. Other days are bad and I think I should leave. I almost left one night during a fight but the thought of what it would do to our kids made me turn around and stay. I hate conflict and don't think I have any options at this point. Also the financial impact would suck.

 

 

Also, I am 45 and really how many years do I have left to find that kind of love and have the physical sex drive?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Perspective helps here - you ended up w another woman at least. Some of those lost souls out there who have to go thru the same thing never do.

 

I think I am living out the Pearl Jam song "Black" - it fits me like a glove.

 

 

A love gone bad turned my world to Black

Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all that I'll be

 

 

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,

I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky,

But why, why, why can't it be, can't it be mine?

 

 

We, we belong, we belong together, together

We, we belong, we belong together! Don't you see.

We belong together.

[S2B]

I think you need to grow up and put your big boy pants on.

 

Your fantasy glasses have clouded your perspective.

 

Looks selfish from your point of view. No relationship could ever be even half way decent when one half of the union is selfish.

[basil67]

I feel really sorry for your wife. She knows she is your second choice. And second choice to a fantasy no less. How any any woman live up to a teenage fantasy?

[aileD]

If proving your worth to an ex that treated you like **** is more important to you than respecting your wife's feelings then you should consider divorce.

 

I wouldn't want to be #2 to someone like her either

[jen1447]

Ok so it sounds like the picture you painted at the beginning here is a bit inaccurate - less whimsical reflection combined w more or less happy current domestic life, more prolonged obsessiveness combined w dissatisfaction w your current domestic life. Those are two really diff problems, so while getting an audience w an old ex who left a lot of unanswered questions could help the former, it's prob not a good idea for the latter bc you won't actually be content to say your piece and leave it and your marriage is actually very vulnerable.

 

I really think if all that's accurate, your best course of action is counseling - both marriage and maybe even emotional for you. If you're still straight up in love w this girl from 18 years ago, that's not healthy or normal.

[BlueIris]

Yeah, I admit I settled. Lots going on in my life at the time. My wife even admitted early on she kinda forced me to love her.

 

Now some days are good, I feel comfortable. She does good things for our kids most of the time. Other days are bad and I think I should leave. I almost left one night during a fight but the thought of what it would do to our kids made me turn around and stay. I hate conflict and don't think I have any options at this point. Also the financial impact would suck.

 

Also, I am 45 and really how many years do I have left to find that kind of love and have the physical sex drive?

 

You "settled." That's a popular thing to say these days but it is so arrogant and spoiled. I'm stunned every time someone says they "settled." And virtually every time they are with someone warmer, deeper, more loving, giving, loyal, reliable, often the backbone of the relationship, and it's clear who really is getting the short end of the stick. Ugh.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Not necessarily a second chance (both married with kids) but just want to the opportunity to apologize and get things cleared up that I have been hanging onto for a long time.

 

 

Long story short 25 years ago, I had my first love (me 19, she 17). We were infatuated with each other. It was painful to be separated. Unfortunately she got pregnant and had an abortion. She followed me to college but eventually grew apart after 2 1/2 years. The breakup was ugly and couple years following were very painful.

 

 

She has been an issue in my marriage over the years as my wife has seen the impact she had on me as well as my wife dealing with insecurities. Recently (20 years after breakup) my ex reached out on facebook, we exchanged some mostly harmless messages. I did tell her she looked good and still looks the same. Wife found out and I removed ex gf as friend.

 

 

I still carry some of that pain. I think it would do me good to talk in person with my ex gf. Not sure she would event want to. Also wife would take issue with it.

 

 

From a girls perspective, what would you think of a former boyfriend reaching out to you many years after you broke up?

[JewelD]

If it had been 25 years, I'd be freaked out. You had over two decades to talk it out, you're both married with kids, your wife has made it clear she does not approve, just let it die.

 

I think you should talk to a therapist or maybe marriage counseling with your wife. You talking to your ex gf is just going to make things worse.

[RecentChange]

I think it would do you good to speak to a counselor not your ex girlfriend.

 

If it's something that has been an issue for you for 20 years, that's something within yourself that you have not been able to let go of. I don't think a face to face meeting would resolve anything that had been plaguing you for so long.

 

And if I was your wife, I would be none too pleased if you met with this woman who you have been hung up on for so long

[ShootingStarlet]

I think you still have some lingering feelings or issues to do with this ex girlfriend that might be causing you to idealize her or to think about her a lot...maybe it would be good for you to see this ex girlfriend for a coffee so that the mystery is taken away and you can share with her some of the feelings you felt the years after the break up. Sometimes people just need closure about something to move on. You could tell your wife you just want to see this woman as an old friend just once and that it's not romantic, but just a personal thing you need to sort out in your mind and she really should be understanding.

Usually then you'll stop thinking about her so much because you'll have unveiled that mystery and unfinished business to do with her. I feel that if you never see her again, you'll always feel something was unfinished or unsaid and you'll have that in your mind and you may even resent your wife for not trusting you. I really doubt you'll want to have an affair with her, I say you just want to apologise to her for things and maybe even offer your friendship to her and she to you.