My First Love - Issues 25 Years Later [UPDATE: Contacting Ex GF (22 yrs ago) Tomorrow

[Wookin Pa Nub]

When he met her again, she was totally healthy and studying to be a doctor and she even said things to him that took away his perfect idea of her, like telling him how she didn't think he was a good boyfriend to her and actually made her sicker *ouch* and a couple of months after they met, she met her new boyfriend. He never brought her up in a nostalgic light again and I felt more secure because it was all finally put to bed and I didn't need to deal with his fantasy girl from his past anymore.

 

Yes, I was not a good bf (I was insecure, immature, controlling, extremely jealous) to this girl, which cause her to push away from me. I ended up cheating on her with her brother's gf after she had cut off all affection and then she found out. I had cheated on her a few times before without her knowledge. I blame it on being young and in college.

 

 

The breakup was rough and that time in my life was probably my worst.

 

 

But I continue to think a lot about her. Not sure why I can get her out of my daily thoughts and frequently in my nightly dreams.

 

 

I did talk to a counselor once (primarily re the abortion) and he suggested writing a letter (mailing it or not mailing it). Just not sure that would work because the doubt of her not knowing how I feel would be there.

 

 

I really just want to put these feelings to bed. I want them to stop being an issue for my wife.

[xxoo]

 

 

I really just want to put these feelings to bed. I want them to stop being an issue for my wife.

 

Could you redirect your focus to being infatuated with your wife?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Could you redirect your focus to being infatuated with your wife?

 

I have tried that. But our break up was very traumatic for me (even tho I caused much of it) and it was a real low point in my life. I think during that low point is when I began to put this girl on a pedestal and think about her a lot. She showed up in my dreams - a lot. It just snowballed from there. My image of her has grown and grown and its been almost 23 years since the break up. I think I just need to see her in the flesh to reconfirm things and show that it wasn't meant to be.

 

 

I look at like a form of PTSD. I don't think you can tell someone with PTSD to simply "redirect your focus".

[lolablue17]

Here's what I think you should do:

 

Go to your wife today, tell her that although you have a phantasy to meet your old ex to find a closure, you are not going to do it. Why? because you love your wife and respect her, and you don't want to hurt her and to cause her sorrow. Then, Hug your wife and tell her 10 times that you love her.

 

This will probably make your wife happy, and also this direct comparison between your's, your wife's and your ex's feelings, will burn in your consciousness the reason why don't you meet your ex.

[sandylee1]

OP,

 

There's a lot going on with you, but I don't think meeting her would be a good idea. After you cheating with her brothers GF, I'm suprised she even still communicates with you. Even for a 19 year old .... that's a definet no go.

[BC1980]

It seems like you have fantasized and romanticized her over the years. Speaking to a therapist would probably be good because it sounds like you are very affected by this. But I don't think I would meet up with her. You have to decide who and what you prioritize at this point in your life. Your ex or your wife? Your past or your present/future? Is meeting up with your ex worth ruining your marriage or your future with your wife?

 

I also think you have a fantasy of finding closure by meeting up with her. You find closure within yourself. To answer your first question about an ex reaching out after 25 years, it kind of depends on the circumstances. I had an ex from college reach out via FB 10 years after I last saw him. He was looking to enter into a FWB arrangement while still married. We talked about our lives, but I declined his offer. I guess my first thought was, wow, he still thinks about me. I remembered the good times, but I wasn't interested in going back to the past. And certainly not with a married man, but I will say I was tempted. It didn't freak me out. But we didn't have a traumatic relationship like what you described.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I am sure some know my backstory but I was never head over heels in love with my wife. I had a gf in college and she was my first love. We were infatuated with each other. It ended bad for many reasons and never really got a good closure.

 

 

I never felt the same way with my wife. When were dating she sensed that and questioned me a few times and I would just appease her. My wife always seem to know I wanted ex gf more and would say she was #2 (which is the truth). I had a few chances to ended it when we were dating and was too chicken to break her heart. We even got into a fight once early in marriage that she claimed our whole marriage was a lie and that I never loved her. I again appeased her and (falsely) reassured her that I loved her. So my ex gf has been an issue between me and my wife.

 

 

So about 3 years ago my ex gf facebooked me and we exchanged some harmless messages. I did tell her she looked good and still looked the same as in college. My wife found out and it led to another big fight over ex gf. I unfriended her on fb to appease wife.

 

 

I have held these thoughts in my mind that someday we would get back together. But I am a realist. I am married with kids. She is married with kids and her husband is a millionaire.

 

 

So we moved out of town and with a lot of other stuff going on, I am just not happy anymore. Also I thought moving eliminating any chance of running into ex gf. I guess just depressed. I think of ex gf A LOT even 23 years later. I know sad.

 

 

So we were back in town visiting friends and I was drinking a lot of vodka. I ended up calling ex gf on fb messenger and then hitting the end button right after the call registered. I vaguely remember doing that. I wake up with a hang over and got a fb messenger message from ex gf that she saw that I tried to call and she asked if everything ok, she would help me. I wasn't sure what to do so I then replied back that I meant to send her a message (not call) and that "we" were in town visiting friends and I wanted to see if she wanted to meet for coffee. This was a fib to try to explain why I drunkenly called her. I could have never met up with her with my W with me. She said she would love to see me. I said if we can't meet up that day I would be in town again at the end of January. So it's nearing the end of January and I am going to messenger her to see if she is interested still.

 

 

I know it is wrong and deceitful but I need to put these feelings to bed after all these years. I am going to tell my W afterwards. In the past she has encouraged me to meet my ex gf but I am not sure if she was serious. She was drunk at the time. Also complicating this is I got my ex gf pregnant in college and she had a abortion. I am wanting to apologize for that with my ex gf and also apologize for how I treated her and how things ended.

[40somethingGuy]

I'll keep this short but ask for any details.

 

 

Met my first love at age 19, she was 17. Great relationship, infatuated with each other, best friends, talked of marriage. 2+ years later things started going south and she was spreading her wings in college. I was ending college and was at a very low point in my life. Put on weight and was not taking care of myself. She cut off sex but not sure if it was physical attraction or she was wanting to begin to separate. Her reason was waiting until marriage. I couldn't find a job in my degree. Felt like the only person who was having trouble in my major.

 

 

Break up was traumatic for me. As she moved on to bigger and better things I was at a low point. Shortly after break up she said she was having sex with a stud hockey player. That really hurt - so much for waiting until marriage. I hate hockey to this day. Some months later on April 1 she calls and says she wants to get back together. April fools!!! That hurt.

 

 

We were semi friendly and would chat occasionally. I had found a crap job with low pay and she poked fun at that. She met a new guy and basically to stop calling her. Turns out this guys is from rich family and daddy gets him a job out of school. They get married have kids.

 

 

I get married have kids. Issues with ex gf caused some issues with wife as she feels she was my #2. She is insecure at times. My ex gf friends me on facebook and we exchange some friendly but harmless IMO messages. Wife finds out and goes off the deep end. I unfriend my ex gf. Tell my wife I have no feelings for my ex gf.

 

 

I still think of her a lot though. Why is that?

 

 

I want to see her and let her know how I turned out. I am very successful in my career. I lost weight and am in the best shape of my life at age 45. Remember she had cut off sex and started to break things off when I put on weight.

 

 

How do I approach wanting to meet her with my wife who obviously is very sensitive about my ex gf? Even if I say it is for therapeutic reasons it will be a big ordeal.

 

 

I just want to put this behind me after all these years. I don't want to be 60+ and still be thinking of her.

 

She talks to you like that and you still are in love with her? WOW. The only reason she gives you the time of day is cuz its nice to hear from someone who loves them. Make no mistake, she doesn't love you and would never say some of that stuff if she did. You weight didn't help but it was your lack of displaying any alpha male characteristics that did you in. Women hate men who fall over them. However, once in a while these men are fun toys when they are bored.

[sandylee1]

She talks to you like that and you still are in love with her?

 

 

 

Do you realise that he cheated on his Ex that he's obsessed with? And worse with her brother's girlfriend?

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Well it's been a crazy few days. I reached out to ex gf. I hadn't seen her in like 20 years. We met for a coffee last Friday. We had a good talk and said a lot of things that needed to be said as things ended badly for us all those years ago.

 

 

We texted a lot that evening and I let on about my current issues but not going into too many specifics. I was ready to let things lie and she sent me some friendly innocent texts. She never mentioned anything about her current situation when we met for coffee or thru subsequent texts. But I was getting the impression she was interested in continuing a renewed friendship or whatever.

 

 

I texted yesterday something silly and she replied that she wanted to talk. She said she got caught up in the emotions of seeing me and that she didn't want to cause any issues with my family. I told more specifics about my marriage issues (alcoholism, verbal/emotional abuse). Turns out her husband has alcohol issues too and she is not happy. She said she has merely a roommate but not a good marriage. Same situation as me.

 

 

We both have kids the same age and want to put them first but both agreed there comes a point that we need to be happy. We are meeting again next week to talk some more. Not sure what will come but we both might be facing very very difficult decisions and discussions. I am very scared but I think I need to follow my heart.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Well it's been a crazy few days. I reached out to ex gf. I hadn't seen her in like 20 years. We met for a coffee last Friday. We had a good talk and said a lot of things that needed to be said as things ended badly for us all those years ago.

 

 

We texted a lot that evening and I let on about my current issues but not going into too many specifics. I was ready to let things lie and she sent me some friendly innocent texts. She never mentioned anything about her current situation when we met for coffee or thru subsequent texts. But I was getting the impression she was interested in continuing a renewed friendship or whatever.

 

 

I texted yesterday something silly and she replied that she wanted to talk. She said she got caught up in the emotions of seeing me and that she didn't want to cause any issues with my family. I told more specifics about my marriage issues (alcoholism, verbal/emotional abuse). Turns out her husband has alcohol issues too and she is not happy. She said she has merely a roommate but not a good marriage. Same situation as me.

 

 

We both have kids the same age and want to put them first but both agreed there comes a point that we need to be happy. We are meeting again next week to talk some more. Not sure what will come but we both might be facing very very difficult decisions and discussions. I am very scared but I think I need to follow my heart.

 

Good. Let your wife go to find someone who loves her and won't hurt her based on a fantasy/obsession. And you and this flake can be free to hurt and play games against one another just like in the past. Everyone ends up getting what he or she really wants and the chapter can be closed. Good luck.

[neowulf]

We both have kids the same age and want to put them first but both agreed there comes a point that we need to be happy. We are meeting again next week to talk some more. Not sure what will come but we both might be facing very very difficult decisions and discussions. I am very scared but I think I need to follow my heart.

 

You are setting yourself up for a world full of pain.

 

You're both getting caught up in the memory of the people you were, not as you both are.

 

I fear in the long run, you're both going to regret this...

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Good. Let your wife go to find someone who loves her and won't hurt her based on a fantasy/obsession. And you and this flake can be free to hurt and play games against one another just like in the past. Everyone ends up getting what he or she really wants and the chapter can be closed. Good luck.

 

1 - I know it will be terribly painful for my wife but she deserves someone who loves her.

 

 

2 - being as we were 19-20ish then when did those things too each, we have matured since then. I apologized for what I did back then and she said that I was a good boyfriend to her.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

You are setting yourself up for a world full of pain.

 

You're both getting caught up in the memory of the people you were, not as you both are.

 

I fear in the long run, you're both going to regret this...

 

We are not jumping in with both feet tomorrow. We both are in bad marriages but are devoted to our kids. We both still have a connection and will get to know the "new" versions of each other.

 

 

Yes there will be a world of pain but the way I look at it 2-3 years of pain getting thru this or 20+ years of internal pain and regret.

[JuneL]

She talks to you like that and you still are in love with her? WOW. The only reason she gives you the time of day is cuz its nice to hear from someone who loves them. Make no mistake, she doesn't love you and would never say some of that stuff if she did. You weight didn't help but it was your lack of displaying any alpha male characteristics that did you in. Women hate men who fall over them. However, once in a while these men are fun toys when they are bored.

 

But the OP omitted in his opening post that he cheated on his ex a few times then, the last time was with the gf of his ex's brother.