Hubby's platonic friend

[carolann]

My husband has 2 female friends, both he knew before me. One I will call D, I have no problem with. She has always been interested in getting to know me and encouraged my husband right from the beginning to pursue a relationship with me. She even did my hair and makeup for our wedding. She also has a serious boyfriend and when we do see her it is always the 4 of us. I consider D my friend as much as my hubby's.

 

The other friend I will call L is different. She calls my husband her "best friend" although my husband does't refer to her that way. She is considered a close friend, he calls me his best friend. They have been friends since college; about 10 years. When my husband and I began dating he introduced us right away. She was pleasant enough to me but wasn't really interested in being my friend. The have had scheduled phone calls each week pretty much since we've been together. Sometimes I'm there and sometimes I'm not, but he tells me when they talk and what they talk about. They text frequently but not daily. I feel that my husband has been open about their friendship from his perspective but I just sense that she is interested in more than friendship.

 

When we first met, she had a boyfriend of 3 years who my husband never met.....which I thought was odd since he introduced me right away and she called him her "best friend". When they broke up she called my husband crying ( we were engaged at the time). She wanted them to get together but I wasn't invited.That bothered me. I know she was upset about the breakup but she has lots of good friends, a mother, and unattached male friends she could cry to rather than my husband. Since that breakup almost 2 years ago, she has tried to have a lot more contact with my husband and I feel that since our wedding earlier this year (she was invited and came alone) she has been even more persistent. She texts more but my hubby doesn't always reply. She is in her 2nd residency and currently lives 1200 miles away from us but she frequently asks him to come visit her..... um sure. She comes into town often to see her family and always wants to get together with my husband. When I also show up, I can tell she's disappointed. Again, she's pleasant enough to me but her interest is in my husband. Our conversations usually don't get past" hello" and "how's it going".

 

One thing that really made me uncomfortable was a gift that she gave my husband shortly after we got engaged. It was a picture of the two of them when they were in college in an engraved frame that had their names and "Best Friends Forever". My husband didn't find that as odd as I did and put the picture on his dresser for awhile until my mother saw it while at our apartment and questioned me about it. She felt that it was a bit much for and engaged man to have that on his dresser and though I played it down I secretly agreed with her. After I discussed it with him, my hubby put away in a box and I haven't seen it since.

 

I believe that my husband is a bit naive when it comes to this friend and her interest in him. I think this is because they have known each other for a decade and and nothing sexual has happened. My husband has told me that he has never found her physically attractive although I'll say that she isn't unattractive. My husband says the main reason they became friends at all is that she dated his friend during college and that he had no interest in dating a friend's ex and kept her friend-zoned.

 

I don't want to be controlling and tell my husband to end this friendship.I know that he cares about her and enjoys her company.I'm fine with that part because I trust him and I know that he loves me and he makes me his top priority. I do feel that she should back off and respect that he is married now. Instead, she continues to attempt to insinuate herself in his life thru texts, social media ( she likes every single Facebook post/picture of his unless I'm in it), phone calls, and invitations. It's like once he made a commitment to me, she became much more interested in him and unfortunately, she is still single.

 

I think there have been enough red flags with this friend that I need to pay attention. Any other advice?

Edited September 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
spacing ~6

[preraph]

A talk with your husband is in order, a calm talk. Tell him you're fine with him being friends with her but that she shouldn't be excluding you. He's with you now, so if she wants to be his friend, then she should also want to be your friend. Why don't you start this conversation by inviting her to your home for dinner? This may totally freak her out or freak him out, but if she's just a friend as far as he's concerned, he'll be happy you are willing to include her. Then see how she reacts. If she bows out, she's sneaky. If she comes and is super nice to you, then she's probably all right -- and the important thing is to get to know her so you can decide if she's trustworthy or not. And by all means pump her full of wine so however she really is comes out.

 

Then based on whether she welcomes being your friend too or tries to get him alone will tell you something about her, at minimum, about her level of respect for the fact he's taken. If he makes a big deal and tries to get you not to do it, that tells you something too, and you need to have a talk and flat out tell him you don't think it's appropriate for him to see other women who specifically do not welcome you, his wife, to come along.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is something I don't understand but see often. Why is there an expectation that if someone is close friends with a married person, they should be equally close to their partner? I am someone who doesn't get close to people easily. When I find that rare person with enough of a connection for a deep friendship, chances are that their partner isn't going to be as compatible with me. What if the partner is someone I would never pick out for a close friend or even a friend? Why isn't it enough to be polite to partners and hang out with them as a couple every now and then?

 

I am now on the other side of the same problem. I have never had any attraction or romantic interest in the husband. I wouldn't date him even if he was single. Maybe this woman is not showing much interest in you because she simply doesn't click with you enough to be BFFs? Doesn't mean she has any hidden motives.

[Fugu]

I think that you need to clear the air with your husband about this. I agree with a previous poster: it shouldn't be confrontational (if you can avoid it), but a talk needs to happen.

 

I would approach that with the goal of simply making your husband aware of your feelings. You're not saying he has to cut her out of his life, and I would probably not suggest anything like that.

 

How you do that is probably different for each person. Maybe the next time he mentions her you could say "You know I'm not the jealous type, but I don't know...something tells me she has some feelings for you."

 

Be forewarned: he probably WILL get defensive. Understand that his defensiveness is NOT a sign of guilt. It's his way of expressing his sense of autonomy. A guy wants to be able to decide for himself who his friends are and aren't. Moreover, he also wants to be trusted and might feel like your inquiry is attacking his judgment and character. I'm not trying to scare you out of talking about it -- you really should talk about it. But just know what to expect and understand where it's coming from.

 

I would say "Honey don't get me wrong, you've done nothing wrong, and I trust you implicitly. It ain't about you, dear. It's just about her. I know she hasn't done anything to cross lines yet but she does these little things that honestly annoy me a little, like her present to you and wanting to talk with you but not when I'm around. I don't get it." Just talk and listen. See what happens. Post updates here.

[carolann]

Yeah, I think that you all are right in that I need to really talk to him about her rather than let it keep bothering me. I need to address this now before I begin to really dislike this friend. My biggest problem with this woman is that she has increased her contact once she became single and even more once we became engaged. I mean why give him a picture from 7 or 8 years ago after he's engaged? It's like she's trying to mark her territory or something. I never expected to become her BFF, but I am his wife and she needs to respect that. Marriage changes the dynamics of almost all other relationships in that friends, family, etc. pretty much take the back-seat to the spouse, at least that's how I think. I also feel that opposite sex friendships while married are different than other friendships and require transparency and clear boundaries. I dunno, but if I had a married male friend, I would want the wife around so that she never questioned my interest and I would feel awkward calling/texting a married guy on a regular basis unless his wife knew me, but I know I'm old fashioned that way.

[Miss Peach]

I guess I see this similar to someone complaining about family disputes. Any boundaries or distance have to come form your husband; not you. I do think you should have a calm, rational discussion about how you feel. I would emphasize that you don't want him to give up the friendship but that the current boundaries he exhibits with her (due to her lack of boundaries) is what makes you uncomfortable. I would see how comfortable he is with forming new ground rules with dealing with her.

 

I've been on both sides of this.

 

When I was younger I live with my BF she had a female friend (who had a BF) who was just rude and disrespectful. BF never saw it my way until she tried to punch me.

 

I am now on the other side of this similar to what Eternal Sunshine posts. I have invited BF to most of my friendships but I have one (male) friend who is generally a bit recluse and very set in his ways and while if I forced it he would meet BF, he has no interest in spending any time with BF. But I am hesitant because he is the friend I know I could count on for anything and he's like a grandfather/uncle figure to my kid. My kid has known him since the toddler years. So far I don't think BF has really thought much about it but I am wary of the day this becomes an issue.

[preraph]

This is something I don't understand but see often. Why is there an expectation that if someone is close friends with a married person, they should be equally close to their partner? I am someone who doesn't get close to people easily. When I find that rare person with enough of a connection for a deep friendship, chances are that their partner isn't going to be as compatible with me. What if the partner is someone I would never pick out for a close friend or even a friend? Why isn't it enough to be polite to partners and hang out with them as a couple every now and then?

 

I am now on the other side of the same problem. I have never had any attraction or romantic interest in the husband. I wouldn't date him even if he was single. Maybe this woman is not showing much interest in you because she simply doesn't click with you enough to be BFFs? Doesn't mean she has any hidden motives.

 

They don't have to be close with their partner and can expect a certain amount of one on one time without them as long as nothing suspicious is going on, but basic civility means you be social with them. I mean, if they weren't married, wouldn't you naturally like to meet their other friends because if you like him, you should like them too. It's also just about respect for the choices they've made. If you are a real friend, you should respect and honor their decisions. Now, if you feel they got into an abusive relationship, that's different, but that's a different issue. That's intervention.

[preraph]

Yeah, I think that you all are right in that I need to really talk to him about her rather than let it keep bothering me. I need to address this now before I begin to really dislike this friend. My biggest problem with this woman is that she has increased her contact once she became single and even more once we became engaged. I mean why give him a picture from 7 or 8 years ago after he's engaged? It's like she's trying to mark her territory or something. I never expected to become her BFF, but I am his wife and she needs to respect that. Marriage changes the dynamics of almost all other relationships in that friends, family, etc. pretty much take the back-seat to the spouse, at least that's how I think. I also feel that opposite sex friendships while married are different than other friendships and require transparency and clear boundaries. I dunno, but if I had a married male friend, I would want the wife around so that she never questioned my interest and I would feel awkward calling/texting a married guy on a regular basis unless his wife knew me, but I know I'm old fashioned that way.

 

Most women are more tolerant than men about this. So think about if you had the same situation going on in reverse and how your man would like it.

[carolann]

Most women are more tolerant than men about this. So think about if you had the same situation going on in reverse and how your man would like it.

 

I think this is an excellent point. I don't have any male friends that I text/call or hang with. Honestly, in my experience all the men that have wanted to be my friend were flirty and/or asked me out. If I did have the same situation, I doubt my hub would like it unless the guy was gay. He isn't the jealous or controlling type but he has said that he would be skeptical of a man who wanted to be "just friends" with me. I think most men who are very attracted to their wife would feel that way.

[whichwayisup]

Your H needs to set boundaries with her and let her know that he can't be her main support system and that she needs to rely on her women friends more than him. She is way too emotionally attached to him and honestly, she's no friend to the marriage, if anything she will just continue to cause problems - Not intentionally or maliciously, but selfishly because of what she feels for your husband.

 

You need to be included more and he has to make it clear to her, and if that means she gets upset, so be it. YOU are number one, first priority, NOT HER. So she needs to accept that and not try to put on the crying act to get him to run to her in her time of need. Trust me, there will be a crisis and she'll 'need' him to go to her and sadly to say, she isn't thinking of you at all.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Your H needs to set boundaries with her and let her know that he can't be her main support system and that she needs to rely on her women friends more than him. She is way too emotionally attached to him and honestly, she's no friend to the marriage, if anything she will just continue to cause problems - Not intentionally or maliciously, but selfishly because of what she feels for your husband.

 

You need to be included more and he has to make it clear to her, and if that means she gets upset, so be it. YOU are number one, first priority, NOT HER. So she needs to accept that and not try to put on the crying act to get him to run to her in her time of need. Trust me, there will be a crisis and she'll 'need' him to go to her and sadly to say, she isn't thinking of you at all.

 

And OP isn't thinking about this woman's needs at all. How is that any worse than this woman not thinking about the OP? Just because you are married, doesn't make you the queen of the world to anyone except to your husband. It takes two to keep a close contact and it's really on the husband to set the boundaries. Yet many women like to pretend that they are not jealous to the H and blame entirely the other woman and avoid speaking up.

[carolann]

And OP isn't thinking about this woman's needs at all. How is that any worse than this woman not thinking about the OP? Just because you are married, doesn't make you the queen of the world to anyone except to your husband. It takes two to keep a close contact and it's really on the husband to set the boundaries. Yet many women like to pretend that they are not jealous to the H and blame entirely the other woman and avoid speaking up.

 

Actually, I did speak to my hub about her and he agreed with me! He agreed that she's been inappropriate since our wedding. He showed me his phone with all her unanswered texts...all small talk not a big deal. I guess she's in town next weekend for her b-day but he told her we already have plans. He said that in the 10 years he's known her she's never been this way toward him and he's uncomfortable with it. I think in this case it is the other woman and not the H.

[Leigh 87]

This is something I don't understand but see often. Why is there an expectation that if someone is close friends with a married person, they should be equally close to their partner? I am someone who doesn't get close to people easily. When I find that rare person with enough of a connection for a deep friendship, chances are that their partner isn't going to be as compatible with me. What if the partner is someone I would never pick out for a close friend or even a friend? Why isn't it enough to be polite to partners and hang out with them as a couple every now and then?

 

I am now on the other side of the same problem. I have never had any attraction or romantic interest in the husband. I wouldn't date him even if he was single. Maybe this woman is not showing much interest in you because she simply doesn't click with you enough to be BFFs? Doesn't mean she has any hidden motives.

 

 

I am the exact same; do not connect with many past an amiable professional relationship at Uni or at work. I can be great with people from the outset but never go deeper.

 

I totally agree with you here EXCEPT - it is just plain creepy for an ADULT to give a photo frame saying " best friends forever" and having it ENGRAVED.

 

Weird weird weird.....

 

I would not be cool with it if a woman did this to my BF!

[S2B]

Actually, I did speak to my hub about her and he agreed with me! He agreed that she's been inappropriate since our wedding. He showed me his phone with all her unanswered texts...all small talk not a big deal. I guess she's in town next weekend for her b-day but he told her we already have plans. He said that in the 10 years he's known her she's never been this way toward him and he's uncomfortable with it. I think in this case it is the other woman and not the H.

 

If it makes him that uncomfortable now - why doesn't he start backing away from this friendship all together?

 

He can be clear with her... If he's her friend he should be.

 

He could say - "you aren't a friend of my marriage and you're making me uncomfortable. I'd like to sever or limit our contact."

[preraph]

Actually, I did speak to my hub about her and he agreed with me! He agreed that she's been inappropriate since our wedding. He showed me his phone with all her unanswered texts...all small talk not a big deal. I guess she's in town next weekend for her b-day but he told her we already have plans. He said that in the 10 years he's known her she's never been this way toward him and he's uncomfortable with it. I think in this case it is the other woman and not the H.

 

It sounds like at least he is now ready to admit she's after him and put up some boundaries, so see how that goes and needless to say, reward him by praising his infinite wisdom when he makes a move to back her off. What he's going to have to realize if she remains pushy is that he may have to totally block her to make her go away and behave. Now, watch out because she may revise her plans to come join you in your plans for her birthday, so he's going to have to really hold the line here under pressure from her.

[preraph]

If it makes him that uncomfortable now - why doesn't he start backing away from this friendship all together?

 

He can be clear with her... If he's her friend he should be.

 

He could say - "you aren't a friend of my marriage and you're making me uncomfortable. I'd like to sever or limit our contact."

 

That would be ideal, of course. Carol has to realize that he is getting something out of this friendship or he would never have kept it to begin with. These women who come crying to men with problems, certain guys like that because it makes them feel like a hero for helping them and they're all grateful. I know a married couple struggling with him being that way now with an old con artist girl I used to work with. I couldn't stop him from catering to him them and his wife can't now. He apparently really needs someone to cry on his shoulder and then do something for them and be a hero. And oh yes, she flatters and makes him feel like he's superman. Because she's a con artist.

 

You get to a point you have no control about it if the husband feels too sorry to cut them off. And I would say yes, it's a fight worth having, but also if you see a need being filled by her in your husband that's making him feel needed or good about himself, even if you have to manufacture something, start filling that need yourself just so she's not the only one.

[whichwayisup]

If it makes him that uncomfortable now - why doesn't he start backing away from this friendship all together?

 

He can be clear with her... If he's her friend he should be.

 

He could say - "you aren't a friend of my marriage and you're making me uncomfortable. I'd like to sever or limit our contact."

 

Yes, and make it clear that if she is to be in his life, she has to be more accepting and get to know/spend time with his wife, otherwise there's no point in continuing the friendship. That 'friend' has feelings for him and feels his wife is in the way.

[carolann]

I am the exact same; do not connect with many past an amiable professional relationship at Uni or at work. I can be great with people from the outset but never go deeper.

 

I totally agree with you here EXCEPT - it is just plain creepy for an ADULT to give a photo frame saying " best friends forever" and having it ENGRAVED.

 

Weird weird weird.....

 

I would not be cool with it if a woman did this to my BF!

 

When she gave him that thing my radar went up. I was cool with her until that and I can't bring myself to trust her at all. She was 26 at the time, old enough to know it's a weird thing to do. I saw it as very manipulative. I'm just glad my hub got rid of it.

[carolann]

If it makes him that uncomfortable now - why doesn't he start backing away from this friendship all together?

 

He can be clear with her... If he's her friend he should be.

 

He could say - "you aren't a friend of my marriage and you're making me uncomfortable. I'd like to sever or limit our contact."

 

He doesn't reply to every text or take every phone call now that they have become more frequent than they ever were, and he made an excuse not to see her for her b-day. My hub usually keeps friends and has lots of them. Ditching her completely would be hard for him but if she continues this way I believe he will have to.

[NoodleNuts]

Wow, I read through this thread just shaking my head. Really weird lack of boundaries this chick has, and some balls too. Best friends forever? Really? She's very immature as well. I'm glad he at least recognizes this is weird.

[S2B]

Wow, I read through this thread just shaking my head. Really weird lack of boundaries this chick has, and some balls too. Best friends forever? Really? She's very immature as well. I'm glad he at least recognizes this is weird.

 

What's really telling is that if he recognizes that it's weird and crosses a boundary - yet he doesn't PROACTIVELY shut it down.

 

It feeds his ego. At YOUR expense because it hurts your feelings - yet he willingly keeps this odd "friendship" alive.

 

She's not a friend of the marriage! Anyone who isn't a friend of the marriage should be cut out like cancer.

 

He's not doing enough to show her she's crossing the line! And then he puts the frame on his dresser? Honey, why do you need to be the one to lead him around by the nose? Why is he willing to harm the marriage by not setting a healthy boundary?

 

He's not 5 years old! He knows what he's doing and it hurts your feelings - why is that ok? It's not!

 

He needs to grow up!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I think this is an excellent point. I don't have any male friends that I text/call or hang with. Honestly, in my experience all the men that have wanted to be my friend were flirty and/or asked me out. If I did have the same situation, I doubt my hub would like it unless the guy was gay. He isn't the jealous or controlling type but he has said that he would be skeptical of a man who wanted to be "just friends" with me. I think most men who are very attracted to their wife would feel that way.

 

 

The part about reversing the situation isn't even relevant, as women can easily maintain the boundaries of mere friendship (with males) as women have the pussy, and thus they have the power. (they don't need to hunt for sex around every corner, as women can get it anywhere)

 

 

The more telling factor is that men have zero interest in being mere friends with women they wouldn't rather be banging.

 

 

Although the part about this woman having once dated one of your husband's college friends, DOES give reason why a platonic friendship may have initially developed.

 

(your husband honored the boundary that was the friend's relationship, and yet the woman was somebody who was always gonna be around, so he at least got to know her)

 

 

In the present, with all things considered, your husband should distance himself from the friendship out of respect for your relationship.

[Eternal Sunshine]

What's really telling is that if he recognizes that it's weird and crosses a boundary - yet he doesn't PROACTIVELY shut it down.

 

It feeds his ego. At YOUR expense because it hurts your feelings - yet he willingly keeps this odd "friendship" alive.

 

She's not a friend of the marriage! Anyone who isn't a friend of the marriage should be cut out like cancer.

 

He's not doing enough to show her she's crossing the line! And then he puts the frame on his dresser? Honey, why do you need to be the one to lead him around by the nose? Why is he willing to harm the marriage by not setting a healthy boundary?

 

He's not 5 years old! He knows what he's doing and it hurts your feelings - why is that ok? It's not!

 

He needs to grow up!

 

After divorce: turns out people that were cut out like cancers were right all along

[BettyDraper]

The part about reversing the situation isn't even relevant, as women can easily maintain the boundaries of mere friendship (with males) as women have the pussy, and thus they have the power. (they don't need to hunt for sex around every corner, as women can get it anywhere)

 

 

The more telling factor is that men have zero interest in being mere friends with women they wouldn't rather be banging.

 

 

Although the part about this woman having once dated one of your husband's college friends, DOES give reason why a platonic friendship may have initially developed.

 

(your husband honored the boundary that was the friend's relationship, and yet the woman was somebody who was always gonna be around, so he at least got to know her)

 

 

In the present, with all things considered, your husband should distance himself from the friendship out of respect for your relationship.

 

This. I don't believe that men and women can be friends without at least a little bit of sexual attraction between them...unless one of them is homosexual.

 

I had a very close friend for many years who cut me off because his girlfriend wasn't comfortable with us being so close. We never did anything inappropriate and I never crossed boundaries; his girlfriend didn't even meet me because they were in a long distance relationship. It's just that my friend's girlfriend was insecure. They are married now and I wish them well. I said goodbye to my friend and let him go with love when he told me about his girlfriend's fears.

 

Carol, you have every right to be annoyed and suspicious. Your husband's friend is after him and he needs to cut her off.

[carolann]

I really appreciate all the input here. I am normally a fairly secure person and I do trust him but I realize that her lack of boundaries and respect for our marriage is a deal breaker. Trying to be cool with it isn't going to work for me even if he backs off the friendship. She needs to go. Maybe if she doesn't focus her attention on my husband she'll be able to find a man of her own and then we all win.