Feeling guilty for some reason **updated**

[Zahara]

Hi again everyone. you're probably all familiar with my story (broke up with this ex, he pleads to come back, then completely ghosted me)

 

I have been doing excellent steps when it comes to getting over it but for some reason today I am not angry with him ghosting me anymore. I have suddenly started thinking of all the things I could have done for him to act this way and beginning to blame myself.

 

Is this normal?

 

What were the things you think you did that was deserving of someone acting like an ahole?

 

It's normal to doubt yourself and shoulder blame but don't stay there too long. Don't take responsibility for someone else's bad behavior.

[marky00]

Yes its normal.

 

 

Look at the stages of grief.

 

 

The 7 Stages of Grief after the end of a relationship : Relationship Forum - Psych forums

 

 

You may have hit , stage 5 = Guilt.

 

 

I have been there for several months, can't get past it.

 

 

What's happening to you is that as time passes and the anger stage passes, you start to really just look at what you did. It can be very confronting and sometimes you'll find things you don't like.

[marky00]

Don't take responsibility for someone else's bad behavior.

 

Its not always that simple. I know my ex wasn't an angel but I just can't forgive myself for my terrible decision making and screw-ups.

 

 

Hopefully after ruminating for another 3 months, the guilt will finally go away.

[Nadine123]

I dno,things like how I used to flip on him for saying he's coming to see me and then ditches me and goes out with other people. How he never used to call back when I used to call him. I also flipped out that last time we spoke because it took him 2 days to contact me when he was online everywhere. I dno, just blaming myself although it was a reaction to his actions and wondering if me flipping out pushed him away that last time which led to ghosting.

[marky00]

I dno,things like how I used to flip on him for saying he's coming to see me and then ditches me and goes out with other people. How he never used to call back when I used to call him. I also flipped out that last time we spoke because it took him 2 days to contact me when he was online everywhere. I dno, just blaming myself although it was a reaction to his actions and wondering if me flipping out pushed him away that last time which led to ghosting.

 

These are nothing to be guilty about at all. By then he was already gone.

 

 

Trust me, in comparison to me, you are a saint. I self-sabotaged, u didn't. Your reactions were in response to him already being checked out of the relationship.

[Satu]

I once wrote this in my journal:

 

 

"I forgive myself for thinking that I needed to forgive myself."

 

 

It made me laugh, but I meant it.

 

 

Take care.

[Zahara]

I dno,things like how I used to flip on him for saying he's coming to see me and then ditches me and goes out with other people. How he never used to call back when I used to call him. I also flipped out that last time we spoke because it took him 2 days to contact me when he was online everywhere. I dno, just blaming myself although it was a reaction to his actions and wondering if me flipping out pushed him away that last time which led to ghosting.

 

I think those reactions are normal -- I think at some point when someone disappoints you over and over again, you're bound to start getting frustrated and insecure. All that didn't lead to his ghosting. If your "flipping" pushed him away, he wouldn't have come back asking for a second chance. And even if your flipping did push him away, do you actually want to be with someone that treated you that way?

 

You need to go back and read your old threads.

[Nadine123]

You are completely right.

[Nadine123]

and I guess the fact that he is loved by everyone. So I was wondering how can someone so loved act this way?

 

Has anyone experienced this before, a douche to you but loved by everyone.

[Formerfiveo]

and I guess the fact that he is loved by everyone. So I was wondering how can someone so loved act this way?

 

Has anyone experienced this before, a douche to you but loved by everyone.

 

Yep.

 

And it truly is mind boggling.

 

Many of his friends have told me that if they were in trouble, he'd be the first person they'd call. Everyone likes him.

 

But when he took his anger out on me this past weekend and called me a drama queen, through clenched teeth no less, for crying, and then said that I ruined his weekend, it made my head spin. Oh, and he's 47. lol

 

It really makes you think you're crazy. But that in itself is a red flag/deal breaker.

[Nadine123]

I definetly think he has NPD because he begged me to go back to him just to ghost me because of his ego.

 

was he also all over you in the beginning and then became a different person?

[Nadine123]

Having a tough day about ex who ghosted me as revenge. any words of encouragement would be great.

[DarrenB]

You can get and deserve better.

 

Don't let yourself experience hurt and anguish over someone so petty and bitter. Is it worth it? by all means no

 

You will soon find someone 10x better than he could ever be. Whilst this process is happening you will experience some hurtful times where all you want to do is grieve and feel hurt... It's inevitable. However, some time from now whether that be a couple days, weeks, months, potentially years you will be completely stable, possibly with someone else and dwell on these tough times and him for all the wrong reasons, positive ones too be exact rather than negative.

 

You will get there, succeed in yourself, then succed within your lifestyle, then finely succeed within your love for yourself as well as another human being.

 

Keep being positive, reach your own destinys and dreams. It's never too late

[sooshi]

Nadine,

 

I am sorry you're having a hard time.

 

Revenge is toxic. It is spiteful. It is not a reflection of you.

 

Be glad you've been rid of that toxicity.

 

Take care.

[Zahara]

Don't devalue yourself based on the actions of others, especially someone who's behaved so poorly. You're defining your worth to his behavior. Start thinking about who he is as a person and grasping those facts versus tying his "ghosting" you as a bad reflection on you.

 

You ended it with him. You did it for a reason. You decided it was over. He came back and ghosted you. It should further reinforce that your initial decision to end was the best thing you ever did for yourself. Find those positives. You're focusing on the wrong thing. This "ghosted" aspect is clouding the bigger picture. Maybe it's your ego that's hurt and I'm sure the pain of betrayal from your friend.

 

Start focusing on your strengths. I posted on your other thread that most would have stayed but you had the gumption to end a relationship that broke your boundaries. Find empowerment in that and the fact that you dodged a huge bullet.

[Nadine123]

Thank you, sorry if I'm posting here every other day but I would rather post here than text or call him. sorry if im being annoying. I have been NC for about 40 days.

 

The reason why I dont see ending it with him as positive because I agreed to speak to him when he wanted to. Also, I tried speaking to a friend about it yesterday and she said you must have done something because he's such a great guy. This is a person he called a ''f*ucking liar'' to me before and is speaking normally to now.

 

Im at that stage now where im beginning to blame myself and thinking maybe he didnt want to seek revenge. Maybe he got annoyed from that last phone we had where I was very annoyed that he hasnt bothered on my birthday and his response was ''Ill call when I was want and whenever I want''.

[Zahara]

The reason why I dont see ending it with him as positive because I agreed to speak to him when he wanted to. Also, I tried speaking to a friend about it yesterday and she said you must have done something because he's such a great guy. This is a person he called a ''f*ucking liar'' to me before and is speaking normally to now.

 

That's because you wanted to give him a second chance and you had faith in humanity that maybe he had an epiphany for change. I think your ego is very hurt. You feel rejected and devalued because he ghosted you and you didn't get the upperhand. There's a bigger picture here but you're choosing to focus on the behavior of someone who is SHOWING you who they are.

 

Stop talking to your/his friends about him. Stop receiving information. Stop asking for information. Just as you at some point wanted to give him another chance because you thought he may have changed, he's also charming these other people and just like you, they're buying it.

 

Im at that stage now where im beginning to blame myself and thinking maybe he didnt want to seek revenge. Maybe he got annoyed from that last phone we had where I was very annoyed that he hasnt bothered on my birthday and his response was ''Ill call when I was want and whenever I want''.

 

He ghosted you because he was seeing your friend. I think things were shaky between them. He decided to pick you up as his fallback. Things worked out between the two of them and he disappeared.

[Zahara]

You need to go back and read all your threads and the responses. You need to start reminding yourself of your reality with him and regardless of whether he ghosted you or not, you did the right thing by ending it with him -- everything that came after that was just gross behavior on his part to just manipulate you again. It has nothing to do with you, wanting to start a loving relationship with you, caring about you, legitimately realizing his mistakes, etc. And this has nothing to do with your worth.

[Satu]

You need to completely erase him from your life.

 

Give any gifts he gave you to a charity, or throw them away.

 

Burn any and all photographs and letters.

 

Delete all emails, texts, or social media messages.

 

Delete from your address book, any phone numbers, email addresses, etc.

 

Obliterate anything that reminds you of him.

 

Be ruthless in the way you do this.

 

Keep nothing.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

Take care.

[Nadine123]

Yes, my ego was hit. I'm not going to sit her and deny it but believe me this is not what is affecting me anymore.

 

I am just confused as in why he would act like this and not even give me the decency of ending things with me. He knows I moved across the world for him and now I'm left with no friends here, family, nothing. Him not caring for me at all is what hurts me more than him ghosting me.

 

for some reason, betrayal from my friend hasnt hit me yet. Also, is it normal to still be upset about this when it happened six weeks ago?

[Satu]

Yes, my ego was hit. I'm not going to sit her and deny it but believe me this is not what is affecting me anymore.

 

I am just confused as in why he would act like this and not even give me the decency of ending things with me. He knows I moved across the world for him and now I'm left with no friends here, family, nothing. Him not caring for me at all is what hurts me more than him ghosting me.

 

for some reason, betrayal from my friend hasnt hit me yet. *Also, is it normal to still be upset about this when it happened six weeks ago?

 

*Yes, it is completely normal to feel the way you do.

 

You're still in shock.

 

It will get better.

 

 

Keep posting.

 

 

Take care.

[sooshi]

Nadine, you will heal at your own pace. You might experience all kinds of feelings, and they might be in direct contrast with each other. Sit with how you feel. Feel what you feel. It's okay to feel what you feel.

 

You agreed to talk to him when he wants to. You're going along with his terms. It's time to set some standards, Nadine. He left you alone in a foreign country, and he doesn't show that he cares for you. Why are you tolerating his obvious continued lack of respect for you?

 

It's time to build up some self-esteem. Zahara said you ended the relationship. That's a good start. Like she said, focus on your strengths. Go no contact with him and his friends. Don't allow him or them to manipulate or hurt you any longer.

 

His poor treatment towards you is not a reflection of you or your self-worth.

 

Like Satu said, it's normal to feel what you feel, and you will get better.

 

Take care.

[Nadine123]

I'm not tolerating anything. I went NC the day he ghosted me. I didnt call, text, please. I also blocked and removed him from whatsapp and all social media.

 

I agreed to speak to him about things not go back to him (he asked and I said i dont forgive him and we need to talk about things first). Im not sure if this is what you meant

[sooshi]

He said you could talk to him when he wanted.

 

You agreed.

 

To me, that's tolerating. It's also contact.

 

We need to talk about things first. - I'm unclear as to how this is no contact.

 

Take care.

[Zahara]

Yes, my ego was hit. I'm not going to sit her and deny it but believe me this is not what is affecting me anymore.

 

I am just confused as in why he would act like this and not even give me the decency of ending things with me. He knows I moved across the world for him and now I'm left with no friends here, family, nothing. Him not caring for me at all is what hurts me more than him ghosting me.

 

for some reason, betrayal from my friend hasnt hit me yet. Also, is it normal to still be upset about this when it happened six weeks ago?

 

You're confused -- someone you were dating, at some point in your own words starting getting worse, hence you ended the relationship with him.

 

Why when someone has treated you less than during the relationship, why would you then have expectations that they should have had the decency to treat you appropriately during the ending?

 

You said you dated this guy for 6 months? Why would you move halfway across the world for him?

Edited September 11, 2016 by Zahara