Help! My mother said she HATES ME! ANY advice would be welcomed.

[freebird]

Greetings all,

 

I recently moved back home to live with the parents, NOT by choice, but because my mother underwent open heart surgery this year. We almost lost her, and but for the fact that we did not, and, I THOUGHT I was close with my mother, I moved home. I took care of her post-op which lasted about a month critically.

 

I had a life, a job, great friends and my own home. However, because you think you will lose your mother, and, you can't get back the the time you want to spend with her, I moved home within 3 months after she got her surgery.

 

The bad thing, and what saddens me a lot, is that things don't seem to be the same between us. My mother was never "easy" to get along with, but now, she seems quick to get angry, is critical and just plain out nasty at times. It's hurtful and drives me insane. I try to be understanding, but her cruelty is just unreal.

 

Last nigh, July 4th, she screamed at me to move a heavy box of books which I told her I could not move because I had hurt my back. For the next 5 minutes she berated me with insults thereafter I yelled at her to just lay off! She told me F** You, I HATE YOU and I was too stunned to answer her back. She told me again, she just didn't "just dislike me, but HATED me".

 

I am really hurt and angry and now she is ignoring me. What do you do with this? She is 73 and acting crazy- I don't know what to do and I don't want to live in a house filled with animosity! Help!

[moimeme]

Talk to her doctor. It could be the meds she's on. Could be something else happening. If she's in kidney or liver failure, toxins in her body could change her behaviour. She could even have a brain tumour or the beginning of Alzheimer's.

 

Don't take it personally but do have it checked out quickly. If it turns out to be nothing medical ( though I doubt it) it could just be that she's a lousy patient. Unfortunately, not all humans are Movie Of The Week brave and sweet when they're very ill. Just chalk it up to the illness.

[smile95]

I am sure she does not mean it. Sometimes people speak out of emotion and I am sure she was. Sounds like you have been really good to her. When people get older and have suffered illnesses, they seem to change? I am sorry that happened, but I bet that she will talk to you and tell you that she did not mean it.

[shygurl]

If you're seeing such a drastic change in your Mom's mood and being this verbally abusive to you is out of character, seriously consider speaking with her physician ASAP. She could "be this way" because she's suffering some major side effects of the meds she's on - without a doubt..........or she could have some underlying infection somewhere and it's making her "off" like this..............she could have even had a mild stroke and it's changed her personality. I would seriously have the docs rule out any medical/health "cause" for this behavior toward you - seriously.

 

Does she seem out to lunch at all? Is she aware of the date, where she's at, the time of day or is she sort of disoriented at times?

 

Seriously - some meds can have horrible effects on some people.

 

Call up her cardiologist/doc and explain all this..............he should know what meds she's on. She could also have a major electrolyte imbalance that's causing her to be this way, too. She needs a good re-assessment.

[freebird]

Thank you for all your concern! I am always so grateful for the responses I get- this place really is solace for me.

 

I would LOVE to think it's her meds, but it's not. She's on anti-depressants which she's been on since I was 9 years old and she is 100% healthy - she just had her visits to the Cardiologist and Surgeon.

 

My mother has always had this violent and viscious side to her - it seems to come out more frequently now.

 

Last night I spent the night in tears, and today, thinking about the fight was just harsh. I had a meeting with 8 Executive Directors and it was just bad going in there with swollen eyes looking like I was just run over! I'm in my mid-thirities, have accomplished a lot and she treats me like I'm 15! It's humiliating.

 

I wish, really wish I could blame this on something medical, but I cannot - she's fine to everyone else but me.

 

I'm not going to rule out medical problems because you never know. But, do I just ignore her? It's hard when you live with somebody!

[smile95]

It is hard when you live with her. I think it is so sweet that you take care of her. Just try and let her cool off. Has she blown up like this before? Maybe in a few days could yo tell her that she really has hurt your feelings and you were wondering why she would say that? I know that she cannot mean it. There has to be another reason.

[freebird]

THanks Beth! I hope there is truly another reason.

 

I don't even want to go home knowing she is the way she is.

 

I think I need to just steer clear of her for the next few days and hope this blows over! Thanks again

[smile95]

Let us know how it goes....she had to be stressed out or overly tired or something. Give it a little time to blow over

[shygurl]

Are you the only family member who's there to help care for her? Is there someone else in the family (siblings, etc) who could help out so that you can get a break? - being a caregiver can be very emotionally and physically exhausting - and it's even worse when you're dealing with someone who's so verbally abusive and doesn't seem to appreciate your love and efforts.

 

I think the next time she mouths you off, sick or no sick, 73 or no 73, you need to tell her directly and firmly that that kind of verbal abuse is completely and totally unacceptable and you deserve more respect than that - and you will not tolerate this at all. Then leave her for a few hours to sit and process it. Have you ever stood up to her this way in the past? I know it's easy not to because of the fear of making that person more abusive....but sometimes because nobody puts them in their place, it just goes on and on.

 

Is she this way with others in the family?

[freebird]

I wrote her a letter before I left for work telling her alot of things.

 

I am about to get off of work and I HATE feeling scared to go home - my mother has a way of just turning things BAD.

 

I can't explain it - but I will not hesitate to tell her off. however, she always threatens me by saying I can leave - but she knows damn well I can't since I sold everything to move back here and take care of her - if she does, I swear, I told her I'd sue her.

 

Everything I had saved and my tax return, I used to move home - if she kicks me out for speaking my mind, I'm taking the WITCH to court!

 

She can be abusive with other members, but normally it's always with me. It makes me really sad. I have this anxiety that I don't need now - this is something that I beat years ago and I'll be damned if she causes it to come back. Sometimes, I don't get it - she just acts like it's all my fault - I think I smell therapy coming up!

[moimeme]

she knows damn well I can't since I sold everything to move back here and take care of her

 

I think we should submit your name for sainthood. You can be canonized right after Pope John Paul 2.

[miss-gonewest]

Oh freebird, your post nearly had me in tears... my mum is the same with me - charming to everyone else, and she just snaps with me!!!

 

I just had a massive fight with her on the phone, and told her I never wanted to see for as long as I lived!!! How awful is that? Now I feel terrible - and too scared (and proud) to take it back...

 

You know what I think it is... I think that in a kooky, funny kinda way, they do it because they love you. I remember as a teenager yelling at her when I was sad, just because I could - and because I knew that you were allowed to, because you are meant to unconditionally love each other.

 

In the past I put up with a whole lot from my mum - but I guess she put up with me when I was younger too... and that's a bad habit to break. You just expect that your daughter/mother will take the good with the bad, and sometimes its really easy to take that for granted.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this - if it was anyone but your mum you'd be able to walk away, but its not that easy is it?

 

I guess you can try ignoring her - but that may make her even grumpier? You need to get her to understand how much you do for her and what a sacrifice you have made, but I don't know you can do that? Do you have a friend you can stay with for a few days? Give her some time to miss you? She needs to see how she relies on you - and how lonely she may be without you.

 

I do wish you the best - if you have the magic solution for making up, please let me know... I was totally awful today (not that she didn't deserve it but still...)

[Neptune]

It could be a control issue. The roles have reversed now. Your mother is the daughter and you are the mother. It happens as the years go on. What I`m saying is that now your mother is the dependent one. You are the caregivver and the one in control. It is difficult for her to accept this transition in life. It is a difficult thing if you will consider it.

[quankanne]

oops

[quankanne]

I think Neptune may have hit on something -- if your mom was cranky before, but in control, I imagine that being laid out due to surgery or illness will just amplify the cranky factor, and she's going to be pushing your buttons as often as she can. Not because she doesn's love you in her own fashion, but because getting a rise out of you is only thing she can control.

 

as moi suggests, don't take this too personally: all of us have been a patient at some time or another, and we've been upset about not being in control and we've sometimes said things that came out too sharp or just flat-out wrong. Think of your mom in those terms.

 

you need to dig your feet in and toss it right back at her when she gets snippy or bossy or cranky or just acting like a fractious rugrat! You know, take command by taking the adult role in the relationship and nipping bad or unseemly behavior in the bud by letting the other person know exactly where you draw the line and just what you'll put up with. I have this one nephew who is a basically a good kid, but with a short fuse, so he could be a regular terror when he was a pre-schooler.

 

he went through a period when he was about four or five when he thought I was being mean because I wouldn't let him do certain things (I was just another bossy adult to him at that point). He'd get mad and tell me the meanest thing he could think of: "You're not my friend anymore." And I'd have to explain, "I may not be your friend all the time, but I will always be your aunt, so you'd better shape up, kiddo." He didn't like it, but he understood that he couldn't bratty without getting disciplined.

 

it's the same logic with grown ups who act badly -- you've got to let them know what crap you're not going to put up with and what you expect of them. You cannot let them have run of you, otherwise you're going to make yourself miserable trying to figure out why that person is being so cruel.

 

seriously consider the advice to have her doctor check out her response to her meds. She may be on anti-depressants, but now that her body has undergone stress of surgery, her response to it may be different, and other medications that have been assigned might make that good "balance" get thrown off.

 

keep us posted, and don't get too down over this, okay?

[freebird]

Thank you all for your kind thoughts!

 

My heart was sooooooooo heavy the day after that terrible argument. I think something happened to my mom in the past and ever since she's been on anti-depressants (which was my whole life pretty much) she's just been up and down. Sort of like a manic-depressive person - it's been difficult.

 

miss-gonewest - Thanks for the comfort - I read your post too and yes, it's REALLY hard to get over those arguments.

 

I just figured after that fight, she would ignore me and I would feel like I did when I was a child - AWFUL. I just stopped talking to her after that fight and MIRACULOUSLY she responded to my letter. She apologized and when I didn't talk to her for 2 days - I guess it was too hard for her to deal with and she apologized - I didn't really want to talk to her - but I just sort of bit the bullet and let it go.

 

As we get older - the hurt is worse sometimes and I was not quite ready to accept her back in my good graces - but we live together so I had to!

 

I don't think there are any answers - but I did let her know NEVER to speak to me like that again! I hope this never happens again as I can't handle the drama. that is why in relationships, I NEVER argue - I hate hate hate drama it literally wears me out!

 

Thank you all - I appreciate you very much. I'm so glad I have my dog - he's always with me when it's been difficult and if I didn't have him to cuddle, I'd be alot worse off. Thanks again you all!!

[smile95]

Glad everything worked out! I love my dog in those times too!