A Question To People That Have Affairs.

[Whoknew30]

A person doesn't have to have been burned in a fire to know that fire burns . . . and they can explain clearly and succinctly to another person that they shouldn't stick their hand or anything else in a fire and why they shouldn't do that. That's called insight.

 

This is not about walking around in someone else's shoes in order to be "qualified" to comment. I know that I wear a size 6.5 shoe. I don't have to walk around in a size 4 to know that my feet would hurt and cause damage to my feet and the shoes.

 

If everyone thought like this priests & therapist would all cease to exist. So would Dr's, nurses & paramedics...why helo someone that's a drug addict, why help someone that's diabetic but keeps eating sugar, why help someone with cancer that smoked?

 

Insight doesn't equal "knowing it all"...completely different, especially if you don't know someone's past or mental health...in any of the situations I stated & or an A, people do different things for different reasons & unless someone has met & spoke with each person on earth, then one really wouldn't know everyone's reasoning for their life mistakes.

 

Also shoes don't just come in sizes, there is narrow, wide & extra wide...same size but still can be a very different fit

[Redhead14]

If everyone thought like this priests & therapist would all cease to exist. So would Dr's, nurses & paramedics...why helo someone that's a drug addict, why help someone that's diabetic but keeps eating sugar, why help someone with cancer that smoked?

 

Insight doesn't equal "knowing it all"...completely different, especially if you don't know someone's past or mental health...in any of the situations I stated & or an A, people do different things for different reasons & unless someone has met & spoke with each person on earth, then one really wouldn't know everyone's reasoning for their life mistakes.

 

Also shoes don't just come in sizes, there is narrow, wide & extra wide...same size but still can be a very different fit

 

Ah, the beauty of spin and rationalization -- it's what allows people do things they know are wrong and be able to live with it . . .

 

And, trust me, counselors hear about this stuff all the time and do have their own opinions about things . . . however, they keep their opinions to themselves in a therapeutic setting. In other words, they think the client is a douche too but they can't tell them that so they listen and nod and hope the client sees the light at some point.

[Whoknew30]

Ah, the beauty of spin and rationalization -- it's what allows people do things they know are wrong and be able to live with it . . .

 

And, trust me, counselors hear about this stuff all the time and do have their own opinions about things . . . however, they keep their opinions to themselves in a therapeutic setting. In other words, they think the client is a douche too but they can't tell them that so they listen and nod and hope the client sees the light at some point.

 

I'm actually in the mental health field & no one would ever speak that way bc they're educated. Many times uneducated people in a particular field see things black & white. Someone that had actually gone to school for years knows differently. Same with religious leaders also, most hold degrees & had to go to school for some type of mental health also.

 

Anyone with a functional brain, knows that thier is no such thing as perfect & anyone to think they are (meaning you've NEVER made a life mistake) would be in my field considered delusional.

[Whoknew30]

OP...both my H & I had A & both were for different reasons & both A were completely different.

 

Mine was an exit A, in my culture & with the way my marriage was at the time, I felt having an A was my only way out. In my family there is no "i just want a divorce", so I would have never started one if I did not think it was for the ending of my marriage, I thought my H would never forgive it.

 

My H A was bc he was afraid of having sex with me...i developed a terminal illness right after we married & since we all thought I wasn't going to live through it, he was afraid to toich me, afraid to even upset me with anything at the time. It was like a circle, the more he withdrew bc he didn't want to burden me with anything the more it hurt me & by the time (years later) I pulled through but the damage was done to our marriage

 

Do I think we would have ever cheated in different circumstances, no...but we dealt with some major obstacles at such a young age that when I look back we're both lucky we came out of all it the way we did...both of our A partners were single, I actually cared for mine & it was beyond sex my H was just about sex.

[Logan787]

Relative to comments regarding affairs as being judgemental . . . it's not necessarily about being judgemental, it's about applying morals and adhering to a value system which is actually what keeps most people in check when they are morally conflicted. It's about taking them by the shoulders and telling them to get a grip on reality.

 

If no one was critical of cheating/affairs, what would actually keep a person from doing it?

 

My point is, why would people whose moral compass is intact, stroke and coddle a person who cheats?

 

If a person is seeking "support" for doing something that is not socially accepted, they will only get support from people who have done it themselves and so I would question the value of that support . . .

 

Somethings require a kick in the as*, not hand-holding and stroking. I wouldn't call it judgemental, I'd call it tough love.

 

 

I think this is the best point on the whole thread thus far! ?

[Logan787]

OP...both my H & I had A & both were for different reasons & both A were completely different.

 

Mine was an exit A, in my culture & with the way my marriage was at the time, I felt having an A was my only way out. In my family there is no "i just want a divorce", so I would have never started one if I did not think it was for the ending of my marriage, I thought my H would never forgive it.

 

My H A was bc he was afraid of having sex with me...i developed a terminal illness right after we married & since we all thought I wasn't going to live through it, he was afraid to toich me, afraid to even upset me with anything at the time. It was like a circle, the more he withdrew bc he didn't want to burden me with anything the more it hurt me & by the time (years later) I pulled through but the damage was done to our marriage

 

Do I think we would have ever cheated in different circumstances, no...but we dealt with some major obstacles at such a young age that when I look back we're both lucky we came out of all it the way we did...both of our A partners were single, I actually cared for mine & it was beyond sex my H was just about sex.

 

 

I think you missed the point that RedHead and I are trying to make. If you weren't faithful to one vow, why should you be faithful to another. Sure, marriages differ, but just because the road gets rocky doesn't give someone license to cheat. The point we are making is that cheaters are just that. Cheaters. They are getting their answer and fulfillment from the wrong source. The issue here is a deficit of character in the individual that is cheating. It was there then, and it is there now. How do you know the same kind of opportunity won't arise, that will be just as attractive? You cheated then, why should you be different now?

[planning4later]

You also have to remember that many people think a single person (either unmarried or divorced) is probably sketchy or unstable. So many people WANT to pull their future spouse FROM a current marriage because they figure if one person wants them, they must be worthy. Humans are strange.

[Daisy2013]

A question I've always wanted to ask married people that have affairs is this. Why would you trust someone that is cheating on their spouse? I mean if you think about it, the person that you are sleeping with is proving to you, that no matter how good their marriage is, or how bad, that they will betray the one that they at one time loved just like they are loving you.

 

I had given up on my M after years of issues and asking my H to attend counseling with me. One day, I just shut down. But, I was codependent and afraid to be alone, so I didn't divorce. Enter MM, who had been my friend for years and we laughed a lot together and had fun, and we worked together in a ministry at church. When he one day confessed his feelings to me, and that he was miserable, I had no reason not to believe him. This is going off of me and knowing cheating would have never crossed my mind otherwise. I thought we "found" each other and were meant to be, and that he wanted to divorce and be with me. LoL, I'm not to bright....

[goodyblue]

I think you missed the point that RedHead and I are trying to make. If you weren't faithful to one vow, why should you be faithful to another. Sure, marriages differ, but just because the road gets rocky doesn't give someone license to cheat. The point we are making is that cheaters are just that. Cheaters. They are getting their answer and fulfillment from the wrong source. The issue here is a deficit of character in the individual that is cheating. It was there then, and it is there now. How do you know the same kind of opportunity won't arise, that will be just as attractive? You cheated then, why should you be different now?

 

I hope you never told a lie, ever, or you will forever be deemed a liar. I hope you never stole a candy bar as a kid or you will be forever known as a thief.

 

What you say is ridiculous.

[OneLov]

So how can a couple reconcile? If a WS cheated on a BS, how can he/she ever have an honest relationship with him/her after the betrayal? Are you saying a couple cannot have success in reconciliation?

[MuddyFootprints]

I throw myself upon your altar. My character deficiency should be visible to all. I shall don my scarlet letter for life, just so you in your righteousness can identify my character flaw immediately, upon sight.

 

Then, feel free to stone me.

[goodyblue]

It is interesting to me that you chose to do the soul searching AFTER the affair, instead of before, when maybe doing so would have stopped you from hurting a wife, mother, and child, and contributing to the breakup of their family. Also, you mention the brevity of the affair and the quickness of his departure, that you no doubt helped choose the timeline of. Since you knew he would be leaving so soon, I wonder why you couldn't have waited until then to begin the "romance".

 

I have been a BS, who was left to pick up the pieces after another woman chose to pursue my husband and put herself in the position of the friendly, listening ear he needed when we were having problems. A decent, trustworthy woman doesn't wedge herself between a husband and his wife. More importantly, a decent, trustworthy husband doesn't allow it to happen. Both parties involved in an affair have character issues that remain after they've switched partners. In addition, once a person has set the bar on their morality that low, it seems unlikely they will ever raise it again.

 

You say you've moved on and have forgiven yourselves. I find it ironic that two cheaters decided to forgive themselves. It seems the forgiveness you want should come from the wife and daughter you chose to hurt, and not yourselves.

 

Since my divorce, I get a lot of male attention, and sometimes it's from married men, which repulses me to no end. There is nothing attractive about a married man looking to cheat on his wife.

 

Hm. For the record I didn't pursue my h. His ex wouldn't participate in any form of intimacy sexual or emotional (no sex for twelve years), no emotional closeness for even longer. His daughter is fine and I am not worried about his ex, they had no marriage.

 

I agree it was wrong. i also said that we have done the work to make our marriage successful. Say what you like but we are all great with the exception of his ex who just wants him back because he makes a good living. Sorry, not my fault that she refused to participate in their marriage and be an alcoholic and not treat him in a loving and respectful way.

 

We have moved on. We are fine. His daughter is an adult and is fine. Not going to punish myself or my h for the rest of our lives for a mistake we made. I wish we had done things differently. We didn't. We can't go back. We can only go forward and be better people than our actions showed during that time. Sorry if this offends you, I am not here to blow sunshine.

 

You can flog yourself for the mistakes you made if you choose but we choose happiness.

 

Enjoy your evening.

[MuddyFootprints]

I think it's rare that a couple can reconcile after the pain and damage of an affair, and in the few instances I know of, the marriage was never the same as before the affair - the trust was never rebuilt. I think some couples try to reconcile for the sake of the children, or for financial reasons, and it becomes more of an arrangement than a true, trusting, passionate marriage. In most marriages, an affair is a deal breaker whether they want it to be or not.

Your perspective amuses me. Broad paintbrush much? Statistically, marriage recovery rate from infidelity is higher than you imagine.

[Redhead14]

Your perspective amuses me. Broad paintbrush much? Statistically, marriage recovery rate from infidelity is higher than you imagine.

 

The percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered is 31%.

 

Percent of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had 57 %

 

Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had 54 %

 

Percent of married men who have strayed at least once during their married lives 22 %

 

Percent of married women who have strayed at least once during their married lives 14 %

 

Percentage of men and women who admit to having an affair with a co-worker 36 %

 

Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity on business trips 35%

 

Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law 17 %

 

Average length of an affair 2 years

 

Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught 74 %

 

Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught 68 %

 

Percent of children who are the product of infidelity 2.5 %

 

Divorce rate per 1,000 population 3.4

 

Marriage rate per 1,000 population 6.8

 

Sources: Associated Press, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy

[MuddyFootprints]

Thank you. Slightly short of 1 in 3 marriages survive infidelity, specifically. A much higher forecast than broadcast in this particular thread.

 

There is a pretty good chance for recovery. Regular divorce stats are more dismal.

[Logan787]

I had given up on my M after years of issues and asking my H to attend counseling with me. One day, I just shut down. But, I was codependent and afraid to be alone, so I didn't divorce. Enter MM, who had been my friend for years and we laughed a lot together and had fun, and we worked together in a ministry at church. When he one day confessed his feelings to me, and that he was miserable, I had no reason not to believe him. This is going off of me and knowing cheating would have never crossed my mind otherwise. I thought we "found" each other and were meant to be, and that he wanted to divorce and be with me. LoL, I'm not to bright....

 

Your Post left me hanging.....how did things end up? I'm a Christian myself and see that Christians are not exempt from such issues. But Christ gives us victory if we trust in Him.

[Just a Guy]

I think this is the best point on the whole thread thus far!

 

Hi Logan, when you posed your question it was worded as 'Question for people who have had affairs'. The fact is that if you are asking a question I would think you would do it with an open mind. If you have preconceived notions about the answers then you are only asking to reiterate your own thinking and not really listening to all sides of the equation. Those who have had affairs have come on to post on your thread but you have dismissed what they had to say collectively by your statement above.

 

As the person asking the question I guess you have to be even handed in your reception of what answers you are given. By endorsing one person's view, howsoever much you may agree with it, takes away from the spirit in which you posed the question. Maybe the next time the affected people will not deign to answer your queries if all you wanted to do was lambast them. Just my own way of thinking. Warm wishes.

Edited September 9, 2016 by Just a Guy

[Whoknew30]

I think you missed the point that RedHead and I are trying to make. If you weren't faithful to one vow, why should you be faithful to another. Sure, marriages differ, but just because the road gets rocky doesn't give someone license to cheat. The point we are making is that cheaters are just that. Cheaters. They are getting their answer and fulfillment from the wrong source. The issue here is a deficit of character in the individual that is cheating. It was there then, and it is there now. How do you know the same kind of opportunity won't arise, that will be just as attractive? You cheated then, why should you be different now?

 

Ok name a wrong choice you've done...one, bad wrong choice. Does that mean you should be judge the rest of your life for it. My got a DUI in college, she's now a top prosecutor.

 

Cheating is no different than other mistake the only reason people look at differently is bc of someone insecurity. Think of anything wrong you've done...should you be judged your whole life on that on that decision?

 

I'm sure you've lied in your life, what's stopping you from doing it again? So by your logic you're just that, a liar.(please don't say you've never lie, bc that'd be a lie) What it sounds like to me is you're struggling with insecurity. If you don't trust someone move on.

[goodyblue]

You can be as amused as you like. However, there's nothing amusing about the aftermath of infidelity, including statistics regarding the recovery rate of marriages after affairs. It has nothing to do with my imagination, you can look up the numbers yourself and find they're real.

 

How many couples had infidelity in their relationship and quietly moved on, repairing their relationship and moved forward, telling no one??? That's correct, you've no idea. Because affairs carry shame people don't admit to them, and often. The stats are skewed. Sorry, they just are. There is no concrete because of the secrecy.

[Whoknew30]

You don't have to blow sunshine, but you're certainly blowing garbage. Out of all the affair topics I've read here since the beginning of 2015, I chose to reply to your post because of the way you excuse your actions, while throwing in the random "it was wrong" line. Now that you have what you wanted, including, presumably, the money from his "good living", now you want to be a better person? There's just nothing in your posts that sounds like you really think what you did is wrong - you make excuses, and even blame the wife for your affair!

 

The idea that everyone is "great", well, except maybe the wife who you say just wants money, shows what little regard you have, and had, for her as not just a wife and mother, but as a human. You seem like you think you had a right to her husband, because he, a known liar, told you she didn't treat him well. The only people who can know everything that happened in their marriage, and how it got to a certain point, are the two people in the marriage. And do you really believe the daughter wasn't negatively impacted by your actions?

 

You say he had no marriage for at least 12 years, yet, he was there, trying to hang on to something. Also, if he was actually biding his time for that long, why not wait until he was divorced? Is it because he would have never actually divorced had you not welcomed his pursuit? You made yourself available to him.

 

Most men don't like to be alone, so he may have held on for 12 years bc of that & obligations.

 

Sometime people have an exit A & it sounds like that's what your H did...someone who does that would eventually leave at some point anyways. Does a BW really want to be married to a man that doesn't really love her. If my h left for another woman i'd considered it a favor, I don't want to be with anyone that doesn't want me.

[Got it]

My husband and were both married when we met and are married now. Absolutely not the right way to do things and whatever reasons will be diminished by others.

 

It is what it is.

 

I tire of justifying to random LS posters why and why not it isn't x outcome, etc. I know how my previous marriage, what I do now and don't do know, work I did to address it, etc. I know what my husband has done, our therapy separately and together. I know what was different in our previous marriages that allowed the door to open, what was different in us, etc. But these are our reasons and justifications and aren't interested in group consensus since the group doesn't come home with us at or there in the middle of a fight.

 

And frankly, the most simplistic of reasons, an affair is exhausting and neither one of us has the energy! lol.

 

But I also know there are no certainties in life, anything can happen and all we can do is control our actions and know that we will be okay if something happens by another.

 

In regards to recovery after an affair, I really don't think one can look at the divorce rate and surmise that many survive because they actually reconciled. What it only says is they didn't divorce. Both my parents continued an unhappy marriage for almost two decades after my moms affair and my husband continued his marriage for a number of years after discovering his ex wife's affair. Neither was reconciled but due to a multitude of reasons, choose to stay married. I believe that true reconciliation is very difficult and asks a lot from both the BS and the WS, digging, changing, forgiving, and evolving that is going to strip them bare and rebuild them again. That is hard. Especially on the WS. I think those are few and far between though it can/does happen. I applaud those who are able to complete that journey as the outcome is a very deep intimacy.

[goodyblue]

You don't have to blow sunshine, but you're certainly blowing garbage. Out of all the affair topics I've read here since the beginning of 2015, I chose to reply to your post because of the way you excuse your actions, while throwing in the random "it was wrong" line. Now that you have what you wanted, including, presumably, the money from his "good living", now you want to be a better person? There's just nothing in your posts that sounds like you really think what you did is wrong - you make excuses, and even blame the wife for your affair!

 

The idea that everyone is "great", well, except maybe the wife who you say just wants money, shows what little regard you have, and had, for her as not just a wife and mother, but as a human. You seem like you think you had a right to her husband, because he, a known liar, told you she didn't treat him well. The only people who can know everything that happened in their marriage, and how it got to a certain point, are the two people in the marriage. And do you really believe the daughter wasn't negatively impacted by your actions?

 

You say he had no marriage for at least 12 years, yet, he was there, trying to hang on to something. Also, if he was actually biding his time for that long, why not wait until he was divorced? Is it because he would have never actually divorced had you not welcomed his pursuit? You made yourself available to him.

 

That is correct, nobody knows the stats.

 

 

As for his ex, I don't think she caused th affair, but I think she needs to be responsible for the fact that she didn't treat her husband at the time like a husband. And yep, he stayed to raise his daughter. Actually, we were pretty calculated about it once we stepped over the line. Made the decision together that we would be together when he left. He left, we are together, we are happy. Sorry it chaps your hide, but the only one upset here is you. And yeah, all through the divorce all his ex talked about was money. SHE grid to throw her adult daughter in the middle of it, he refused to allow it. He is very close with his daughter and they are just fine. She has said it is good they divorced as he was miserable. Sometimes one partner is happy with blah and the other isn't. As stated , do I wish our relationship had not started as an affair? Yes. Do I regret being happy with my h? Nope. And if you are trying to shame me it won't work, I am over it, it was years ago. I wish you could read your posts how some of us are... You sound full of anger and bitterness and the only one that will hurt is you. I hope you feel better soon.

[William]

As it appears this topic has run afield, let's get back to the original content:

 

A Question To People That Have Affairs.

A question I've always wanted to ask married people that have affairs is this. Why would you trust someone that is cheating on their spouse?

 

=============

 

If you are or have been married and have had an affair with another person who was/is married, why would you trust them?

 

There are plenty of other threads to berate or cast aspersions on the unfaithful among us. This thread has had sufficient such tough love and we won't tolerate it any further. Post such content at your own peril.

[Daisy2013]

Your Post left me hanging.....how did things end up? I'm a Christian myself and see that Christians are not exempt from such issues. But Christ gives us victory if we trust in Him.

 

We still work together and try to be friends. He calls me every day and tells me he loves me. He asks to see me when it suits him. I am falling away from him the way things are and while I love him, am indifferent. I don't hurt anymore. I'm numb. I think he sees me as a sin irregardless that he supposedly loves me. I was at such a low point in my life when he confessed to me that I still get stuck on that and feel we found each other.

 

The victory in Christ. Obviously, I am not a good Christian. And I struggle with this victory thing because He is why I stayed married when I should have left. I had good reason. My husband is not a Christian and was an alcoholic for many years. But, Christian friends told me to find my joy and strength in Jesus, not man, and I would be "good" and have joy in the Lord. So I stayed, am dead inside, and now see one of my daughters with co-dependent issues in relationships. All because of me being afraid to leave and also listening to my friends.

 

I know that victory in Jesus is not earthly or temporal, I just haven't found how to find that victory that my friends have. I think I would have to walk away from my friend completely and that scares me.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Daisy, I guess you've heard the old saying ' God helps those who help themselves'. The way you have written your posts makes me believe that you are just shying away from facing up to the reality of your situation. The fact is it seems to me that you do not love yourself enough. Remember charity begins at home. Only if you love yourself will you be able to love others including your husband and children. When I say love yourself I don't mean a selfish kind of 'Me first' love. Rather it is to accept who you are warts and all and have respect for yourself. If you do not have self respect and a healthy self esteem how can you expect others to respect you? Self respect comes from loving your self not by thinking badly of yourself. If you say you are a Christian( although personally I do not subscribe to the form of being a Christian but rather the essential spirit of Christianity being that one does not have to go to church and attend all the church functions to be counted as a Christian but by practicing in spirit what Jesus Christ taught), you should have the moral courage of being able to leave a dead marriage and move out on your own.

 

I know you are scared of changing the status quo we all are scared of the unknown. But as they say ' Nothing ventured nothing gained'. You have to strike out on your own and chart your own path and if you really believe in what Jesus Christ represented then you know that you will have a power behind you that will see you through the worst of what this world can throw at you. Remember Psalm 23 where one verse says ' Yea though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil.' Remember the Nike slogan ' Just do it' and make it your own. Hope some of this helps. Cheers.