A Question To People That Have Affairs.

[beatcuff]

Why would you trust someone that is cheating on their spouse?... If they broke the vows that they made to their current spouse, why should they keep them with you? …When two married people are in an affair together, they are basically proving that both of them are liars and cheaters… Their deceptive character, unfaithful nature, and deviant personality are still there when you marry them and get them to leave the spouse you stole them from… Everybody is dirty, and you constantly have to be looking over your shoulder.

Or maybe they are accepted for who they are: flawed. We all have faults, some bigger than others, and some that are just not that important. Maybe their flaw is fear of confrontation, so they are unable to directly end a broken M and chose an A to ‘end it’. So are you upset with the cheating or HOW they ended it? Maybe some look at the entire picture instead of slice. Should we ignore 15 years of faithfulness because of an ONS or an A in a dead marriage?

 

Oh we can’t consider the WHOLE picture just the ‘cheating’ because:

The bond between the couple involved in the affair is based on bad character PERIOD. It's two people with no scruples …They are delusional, desperate, lack insight and forethought, and wrapped up in immediate gratification.

And:

… it's about applying morals and adhering to a value system which is actually what keeps most people in check when they are morally conflicted… why would people whose moral compass is intact, stroke and coddle a person who cheats? ….

Continuing:

The issue here is a deficit of character in the individual that is cheating. It was there then, and it is there now.

That MORAL COMPASS. Or should we say which one? As in whose compass?

 

There is a certain widely practiced religion in which woman are required to dress (for coverage) a certain way. You mean that one? Oh no, that’s too extreme?

 

What about one we can all agree on, say physical touching of another with that piece of paper and the ring. That is the bright line. Once you are married this is clearly cheating. Or maybe not.

 

Let’s start with casual dating. There is no cheating because both sides understand you can date another. But at some point it becomes exclusive. Now cheating is on the table. Wait but if that is true then the M is not the absolute rule to cheating. You can cheat pre-M. Therefore can the opposite also be true? OF COURSE NOT. Really? Based on what? What if I discussed this with my ‘moral compass’: my god. And he ‘forgave’ me: something another widely practiced religion allows for, and I can stay with my W until such time as [insert your triggering event here]. So I have the law (in most states) and my religion on my side --- what is on yours?

 

You are NUTS, or maybe not as history is also on my side. Only recently has M been based on love not some other ‘thing’. And until VERY recently (thanks to Ronald Reagan) getting a D is as simple as saying ‘I am done’. So for most of history persons were married not for love and could not get D without the others consent.

I throw myself upon your altar. My character deficiency should be visible to all. I shall don my scarlet letter for life, just so you in your righteousness can identify my character flaw immediately, upon sight. Then, feel free to stone me.

Maybe instead of ‘throwing stones’:

…Somethings require a kick in the as*…

Love that violence. I guess that supersedes cheating too.

 

Maybe those in an A are just more accepting of flaws or see the whole picture because they are in similar circumstances (I understand because I am living it). Then again maybe our willingness to accept them can be viewed as a flaw as well.

 

Will you GET OFF THE FENCE. Maybe that is really the answer. If your WS is truly unhappy let them go. Then you can find a like-minded person and enjoy your life as well. Win-win.

[MJJean]

I think you missed the point that RedHead and I are trying to make. If you weren't faithful to one vow, why should you be faithful to another. Sure, marriages differ, but just because the road gets rocky doesn't give someone license to cheat. The point we are making is that cheaters are just that. Cheaters. They are getting their answer and fulfillment from the wrong source. The issue here is a deficit of character in the individual that is cheating. It was there then, and it is there now. How do you know the same kind of opportunity won't arise, that will be just as attractive? You cheated then, why should you be different now?

 

I married my exH because we were having casual sex, there was a birth control failure, I got pregnant, and we "did the right thing". I recited vows because the law requires it for a legal marriage.

 

ExH and I were completely incompatible, there were many infidelities on both sides, some physical, emotional, and financial abuse, and no way out due to finances and children. I was literally in a position where my choices were homelessness or stay with exH. I had 2 children under 6, I had no education, no job skills/training, no friends or family in any position to help, and no one to watch the kids even if I could get a job that would pay enough to cover a sitter and I had no car in a place where public transportation is a joke and frequently runs up to 2 hours late.

 

My ex was a chronic liar and thief, couldn't hold a job and blew his paycheck when he did have a job, screwed anything that stood still long enough, and was incredibly lazy/a slob. Highlights from that marriage include him opening a secret credit card account in my name to cover his entertainment expenses for the 8 hours a day he was out of the house pretending to have a job, stealing and pawning the necklace my grandfather left me in his will, and him getting arrested for reckless driving and soliciting a prostitute the night before my mother's funeral.

 

I honestly think the affairs kept me sane.

 

6 years in, I met my DH. It was love at first sight, which I didn't even believe in until it happened to me. A couple months later, I ended my sham marriage to be with him. We've been married for 13 years, together for 16.

 

When I recited my vows to DH, I meant every word. It wasn't just a formality required by law. I was pledging myself to a man that I loved riduculously, was compatible with, and who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, come what may.

 

I haven't cheated on DH nor have I even been tempted to. Me being unfaithful isn't my natural inclination, it was situational.

[bubbaganoosh]

In my younger days when I was self employed and a lot better looking then I am now being 68, I had ample chances of having affairs. Lucky for me I have the disadvantage of not being able to keep a straight face and if I stepped out of the marriage it would have been written all over my face and I would be dead meat.

 

Not to mention that the woman I married would have taken me over the coals and she's the one that cheated and I still go my clock cleaned so with that said, I could look in the mirror every day and not feel guilty.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I should think MJ Jean's post is representative of the fact that there will always be exceptions to the rule as far as the common run of the mill cheaters go. Sometimes good people get caught up in bad things. Sometimes, as in MJ's case, circumstances so warp their reality that they are channeled into ruts which they do not choose rationally and then like a nightmare, they cannot escape from it, till an outside event occurs, to change the status quo, thus providing them an escape route.

 

As far as affairs go the truly horrible thing about them is the breach of trust on the part of the wayward spouse, with all the attendent lies and misrepresentation of facts, and the charade of keeping up a false pretense of a happy marriage when, obviously the WS has checked out of the marriage. So while there may be extenuating circumstances in some cases where it may not be feasible for the WS to split from his/ her partner, in a large number of cases this does not apply and the WS just continues with the marriage for his or her own selfish reasons.

 

Bubba, I have'nt quite got the point you are trying to make. Are you saying that inspite of opportunities to cheat in your younger days, you did not do so because you were afraid of the backlash it would have? I should have thought that the reason anyone does not cheat is because they love their spouses and have clearly defined boundaries with regard to cheating. If fear of consequences is the only reason that kept you from cheating then if a perfect situation arose, where you knew that you would never be caught, you would not have hesitated to fall prey to cheating on your spouse. Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

Beat cuff, I guess I see you being on the other end of the pendulum swing as Logan and Redhead are. While you have made some valid points, there seems to be an underlying animosity within you towards Logan and others who have argued against infidelity. In any such discussion absolute viewpoints do not do justice to a discussion on a sensitive topic such as this. There will always be arguments in favour and against the topic under discussion and I guess we should be even handed in offering our view. Just my own view point and you are welcome to disagree. Warm wishes to all.

Edited September 11, 2016 by Just a Guy