Natrgrl Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 I don't know where to start. But, I'm really needing some advice here. I'll try to sum it up as much as I can. I basically feel that I am struggling with "feelings?" for someone other than my husband. We've been married loyally to eachother for 10 years. Some time ago our best friends (at the time) who are another married couple came to stay with us. We live in different areas and hadn't seen eachother for a while. The whole "vacation" was a disaster. Me and the husband for some reason were getting along better more so than I was with his wife. There are a lot of details and it's a long story. Point being... there was chemistry and it was very alarming to me because I hadn't felt this way about anyone since being married. It's been a long time since they visited but I still think about this other man. I've analyzed it over and over again... and I've come to the conclusion that I think what I actually was drawn to was the attention he gave me. Obviously everyone likes to feel attractive and desirable. We now live in the same city as our friends. And I find myself wanting this attention again. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I love my husband. I feel like a horrible person for even feeling like this about someone else. I really want to stop thinking about him. Has anyone else had a similar experience? And how did you deal with it? Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Sweetheart, please listen.... Have you ever done something and months later you say, "Wow, I wish I would have listened when everyone told me not to.... I was such and idiot to do that"? Well, this is one of those times. I can explain why you got exciting attention and enjoyed it if you need me to. I can tell you why what you are thinking is such a bad idea. In fact, you have absolutely no concept of how bad it could be and how much pain you will cause yourself, and others, but most importantly to your husband. I can even tell you how it will probably end. And how your life and the lives of people you love will be affected. If you want me, I will spend time writing it out for you. It is kind of a penance I do for all the stupid things I have done in my life. Please let me know if you need me to do that. If you want to be more private them PM me. Please think about this very hard, before you ruin your life. In fact, you would be way better off spending time making your marriage better, sexier or whatever, than thinking about getting laid by your friend. Also, if you just want to get laid, and sometimes for women it is not about the sex, talk to hubby about swinging or some type of open relationship or something. Really almost anything is better than you having an affair. Let me know what you want and need and good luck. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Get over it. This dude and you are sharing some greatest hits feelings for each other....you two don't have to deal with the everyday marriage drudgery...kids, bills, health, in laws, and get to swoon in each other's eyes. That'll all end if you go to where you think the grass is greener. Also, you will utterly destroy both families. Marriage is tough, so be an adult and put these childish crush feelings behind. You swore an oath and signed a contract..honor it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Are you corresponding with or talking to this other man? Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 I don't know where to start. But, I'm really needing some advice here. I'll try to sum it up as much as I can. I basically feel that I am struggling with "feelings?" for someone other than my husband. We've been married loyally to eachother for 10 years. Some time ago our best friends (at the time) who are another married couple came to stay with us. We live in different areas and hadn't seen eachother for a while. The whole "vacation" was a disaster. Me and the husband for some reason were getting along better more so than I was with his wife. There are a lot of details and it's a long story. Point being... there was chemistry and it was very alarming to me because I hadn't felt this way about anyone since being married. It's been a long time since they visited but I still think about this other man. I've analyzed it over and over again... and I've come to the conclusion that I think what I actually was drawn to was the attention he gave me. Obviously everyone likes to feel attractive and desirable. We now live in the same city as our friends. And I find myself wanting this attention again. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I love my husband. I feel like a horrible person for even feeling like this about someone else. I really want to stop thinking about him. Has anyone else had a similar experience? And how did you deal with it? Natrgrl, It is real simple, when I find myself in "lust" for another woman not my wife, I file it always as what it is, "lust" and not to be acted upon. You control you, start by doing so. I wish you luck...... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Natrgrl Posted September 8, 2016 Author Share Posted September 8, 2016 Thank you all for your replies. I think I wrote out my original post a little quickly and need to expand. Believe me I have gone trough the scenario in my mind of how incredibly awful it would be if an affair happened. It's not at all what I'm after. I have an amazing husband, he loves me, makes me feel beautiful, treats me well. We get along wonderfully. I think a lot why I'm so distressed is because I still feel this way even though I'm trying to not think about this other man. We are all still friends. We do not have any private contact at all. Any communication happens with our mates around, or in group texts... etc. I agree with everything you guys are saying. I know it's dumb. I get so frustrated at myself for feeling this way. And I guess I just feel at such a loss as to how to resolve it. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Maybe it's time to distance yourself from this man...less group outings so that you are not tempted. My experiences with crushes is that they fade when they are not fed. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Me and the husband for some reason were getting along better more so than I was with his wife. There are a lot of details and it's a long story. Point being... there was chemistry and it was very alarming to me because I hadn't felt this way about anyone since being married. Is it possible his wife was reacting to some vibe she was feeling between you and her husband? Those long glances are pretty apparent to someone else paying attention... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 It's normal to feel good when getting attention after so many years of marriage. Friendly flirting is fine, if that's where it stops. If you feel you can't control thinking about more, than just stay away from him. As of right now it's a school girl crush & that where it should stay. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 I highly recommend getting the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. My (ex)wife said she never would have had her affair if she'd read that book first. Very enlightening. It will change your mindset, which seems to be what you're asking for. Small investment in time and money. Big dividends. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 You need plans, projects, games, travel & funny fun times WITH YOUR HUSBAND! Do some silly things together. Watch something a little steamy & open a couple of bottles of wine & play!! The more fun & games that you have with your husband the more he will be in your thoughts & the less room there will be for fantasies. Sort your dating & wedding photos together. Make new albums. Thinking about the past REALLY good times helps. Spend some nights away. Even a night in a pretty scummy hotel (if low on funds) can be really good fun. Find a trash motel with a vibrating bed! It's crap! So crap that it's funny & kinky!!! Use your imagination. Things you need to plan & research. Fill your head with your husband = emptying your mind of other men. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 You need plans, projects, games, travel & funny fun times WITH YOUR HUSBAND! Do some silly things together. Watch something a little steamy & open a couple of bottles of wine & play!! The more fun & games that you have with your husband the more he will be in your thoughts & the less room there will be for fantasies. Sort your dating & wedding photos together. Make new albums. Thinking about the past REALLY good times helps. Spend some nights away. Even a night in a pretty scummy hotel (if low on funds) can be really good fun. Find a trash motel with a vibrating bed! It's crap! So crap that it's funny & kinky!!! Use your imagination. Things you need to plan & research. Fill your head with your husband = emptying your mind of other men. One recommendation I always liked was similar to this. Everytime the OM comes into your mind, envision a Stop sign and force yourself to stop entertaining these thoughts. Then, commit to spending the next few minutes focused on your H. Send him a flirty text or make a plan to grab a drink with him after work or maybe plan a little weekend getaway. You get the idea. One expression I've always liked around here is: the grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LastAcorn99 Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 It’s not an uncommon situation, but one you have to be very careful in guarding your heart about. I believe that the best way to keep yourself away from the way of temptation is to keep a good distance from this person. Work towards preserving your marriage at all cost. Sending you prayers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Natrgrl Posted September 10, 2016 Author Share Posted September 10, 2016 (edited) I really appreciate all the advice. It really helps to hear it from an outside perspective and it's like a nice wake up call when other people are vocalizing how dangerous this can be. For a long time I've been trying to reason with myself that since he never expressed feelings for me verbally then maybe I was just reading into things. And that this was my problem and disloyal heart I needed to deal with. But, in reality I'm not stupid I can tell when there are vibes being put out there. He's not forward or obvious like a lot men can be (and like most have been in my experience). And I think I used that fact to reason that it was in my head and mainly one sided from my part. However, sometimes I get so preoccupied wondering if he did (or does) have feelings that I realize that in itself is wrong and shows I've let this get too far mentally and emotionally. The four of us were together today. And I realized that I'm not going to get over this if he continues to be in my life, as many of you pointed out. So, now here comes the tricky part of how to avoid him. He and my husband are good friends. And due to some community/group/volunteer work situation I'm around him at least a couple times a week. The thought of just cutting him off, knowing he will be confused and hurt by it makes me sad. Stupid I know, because obviously my marriage is more important than his potentially hurt feelings. Why am I so stupid. And why do I even enjoy attention from another man? I feel like crap about all this. I think there are so many other related issues that makes this run so much deeper than I realize. Edited September 10, 2016 by Natrgrl Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 Why am I so stupid. And why do I even enjoy attention from another man? I feel like crap about all this. I think there are so many other related issues that makes this run so much deeper than I realize. I'm sure you know you're playing with fire. If your husband gets even a whiff of this, could be very damaging to your marriage. Regardless of feelings, I'd do whatever it took to minimize contact and put this behind you... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 (edited) IMO not everything is great in your marriage if you are so emotionally enthralled with this other guy....there is something lacking. It's very common to get in a rut emotionally, and then finding satisfaction in having crushes and emotional affairs....but later you will be ladened with guilt and remorse. You are best to try new things with your husband...be more spontaneous like taking a weekend trip somewhere you have never been before, or discover a new hobby you both can share. Go out on dates again, dress up nice and go dancing....relive some of your youth, regain that emotional connection. You just need to feel passionate about something....go discover it together. Edited September 10, 2016 by smackie9 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 He knows you dig him and he is wondering if taking you to bed is worth the potential trouble. BTW, one of my wife's APs was my best friend at that time, and he wound up in the hospital for his trouble. So don't think for a second that men are not dogs because they are. When they are ready for some strange, they will screw over anyone to get it. Don't you doubt is for a second. You need to stay away no matter what you have to do. And really, you may need to talk to your husband about your true feelings. 1) He will remove his friend from you life without you doing a thing, and 2) he will be watching you like a hawk so that nothing happens. You may not think this is a good idea, but trust me it is. It will be far easier for your husband to lose this friend now that to divorce you later. You really need to trust me on this.... Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 (edited) You may not think this is a good idea, but trust me it is. It will be far easier for your husband to lose this friend now that to divorce you later. You really need to trust me on this.... Good luck IMHO, that is not a good idea. I think someone is encouraging you to wreck your marriage in a very subtle way or simply by accident. Everyone is entitled to secret thoughts and fantasies...you do not have to tell your husband everything you are thinking. IMHO, Take care of this yourself...make yourself dislike this guy and express it to your husband, but don't tell him anything you have said here at this time/possibly never. Either way, think long and careful here...at least weeks, if not months. BTW, If this was counseling this would all be protected by confidentiality. Remember this is an online anonymous forum with very little or no consequence for bad behavior or bad advice....be wary. Edited September 11, 2016 by standtall Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 I respect your thought, I really do. But I could not disagree more. This person it standing on the edge of a cliff and she needs to do something pretty radical to not take the plunge. You know how bad this stuff can get, private thoughts and fantasies be damned. If she does not watch out this will end very badly. And, who is to say that she won't fall for the next guy that gives her attention and jump off the cliff with him. I stand by what I said. Sorry to disagree. And OP, sorry to talk third person, but reading what you have said really has me worried for you. You have to get a handle on this quick. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 Being in a faithful first marriage for 20+ years, if my wife was in this situation, i would view it as very destructive to let me know about some passing whim like this. I don't need to know what thoughts she masturbates to, I never want to know and I would never ask...she is entitled to that space between her ears. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 Why don't you just look around at what you have including your husband. Don't know your finance situation by believe me there are people who would love to have what you have and ask yourself if this obsession or whatever you want to call it is worth it. Sooner or later, your husband is going to see for himself that you have the hots for this guy even though you have to this point haven't gone over to the dark side it wont matter. It will crush him and from what you say about him, he doesn't deserve it. Imagine how you would feel if he had the hots for another woman and you found out. Promise you, you wont be a happy camper. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 (edited) ST, being in a marriage for 26 years, 3 kids, and being a faithless POS, I strongly disagree. Having had women throw live away for me when I neither wanted them to or asked them to, and still living with that guilt, I even disagree more strongly. What someone as faithful and strong as you does not understand in that women like OP often make horrible mistake with men like me. Even if I am not that person anymore, I would rather not see another so far faithful wife make either the mistakes I made or the mistakes that I have seen other wives make countless times. I really don't care what anyone thinks of me personally, I just hope I can one day talk another man or woman into not making the same mistakes that I have made. She in not in the fantasy stage here, she wants someone to talk her out of the crap that she is thinking about doing. Believe me if I talked as many into it as I have, I can talk them out of it almost as well, hopefully. What she is thinking and talking about in her post is total danger, I have seen it so many times. That is why I so strongly disagree with you on this issue. Edited September 11, 2016 by BluesPower Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 She in not in the fantasy stage here, she wants someone to talk her out of the crap that she is thinking about doing. Believe me if I talked as many into it as I have, I can talk them out of it almost as well, hopefully. What she is thinking and talking about in her post is total danger, I have seen it so many times. That is why I so strongly disagree with you on this issue. Well I already was pretty harsh with her about honoring her oath, so I agree with you on that, but I see no purpose in her going anything beyond solving it herself. If you re read her posts, it is just in the fantasy stage...she has done nothing to act on this. IMHO, Involving her husband is going to sow insecurity and create a conflict with him when there is none. If she can't resolve it herself, then she could go to IC, and then maybe talk to her husband on the counselors advice, but to just go blow up her marriage based on the advice of a bunch of anonymous internet posters? I disagree with a lot of posters here about this mindless truth telling in regards what thoughts someone has in their head, old skeletons, etc.. if it serves no purpose other than truth itself. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 I get you and I understand your points. I am just one of those truth tellers. After lying so much in different situations I just get to the point that is all truth all the time. We just have to agree to disagree on some of the points here. Link to post Share on other sites
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