I Miss My Wife

[DevastatedInCali]

I don't even know what I hope to accomplish by posting on this site. Maybe I just need to say what's on my mind.

 

My wife came home from work on May 8 -- exactly four months ago -- and informed me she had asked her boss for a transfer that day from San Francisco to either New York or Chicago. It wasn't a total surprise. Our marriage was 6.5 years in at that point and had been troubled for maybe six of those years. I had learned two months earlier, when she became distant, that she was considering leaving. This was something she had been considering off and on since maybe 2011. We had started counseling shortly after this last revelation, and it quickly failed. By June 4, she had packed up a van with our two pets and driven away to start her new life in Chicago.

 

We loved each other, but we had issues. She was always ambivalent about the institution of marriage and about living together, but had ultimately asked me to marry her because of financial reasons. I had been ambivalent too and only said yes on the third proposal. But we ultimately decided that we loved each other and wanted to be life partners, so if marriage could help both of us be financially secure, we might as well get married.

 

The problems started almost immediately. I have only come to realize recently how many of them were my fault. I was often irritable, moody, and didn't like a lot of noise, certain cooking smells, etc. She liked to work out to loud, pumping music and use a lot of garlic. Before long, we were at loggerheads in a way we never had been in the four years we dated, during which time we never lived together.

 

We moved from DC to Chicago, and Chicago to the Bay Area, our troubles always following. When we got to California, we had to live in the burbs due to cost, and she hated it. (She can't stand the suburbs.) After a couple years, she began badgering me to find a job in DC so we could live in the city. But I liked our bayside apartment life in a sleepy town across the bay. I dragged my feet, even though she pointed out that we had twice moved for my career and now she thought it was time I made a move for her.

 

I was stubborn and neglectful. I didn't listen to her needs. And we both stopped trying. I'm not sure who quit first. It doesn't matter.

 

All this time we loved each other but just dug in. I guess she felt like she had given enough and it was my turn to give. And I was obstinate and selfish. So finally she left.

 

She's been gone for three months, and it has been hell. I miss her the way my lungs would miss oxygen. I think maybe she misses me too, although she isn't the kind to say so. I see now how wrong I was, and I wrote her a heartfelt letter last week. She didn't respond except to say she appreciated what I wrote and she was still processing it.

 

We have texted regularly. Mostly it's been friendly, checking in, but for much of the last few weeks, I've given into despair, telling her how much I miss her and how sad I am without her. I know I shouldn't do that, but it's hard not to. And it has made her uncomfortable.

 

I had recovered a bit recently, got the texting back to happier topics, and she was responding again as if all was well.

 

Then last night in a drunken text, I told her I loved her. She responded coolly, shortly. I apologized. She said "no worries" and that she was going to bed.

 

See, here's the thing. I know she's trying to move on and put our marriage behind her. She's signed up on dating sites in the last couple weeks (which I learned from something she posted on social media). Like an idiot, I checked out her profile anonymously, and it's very clear, from her discussion of what she wants sexually, and her sexy photos, and her very pointed note that she has large breasts, that she intends to get over me by getting under someone else. She's always been much more about sex than relationships; our marriage was the exception. As soon as she starts having sex again (if she hasn't already; it won't be difficult for her to get plenty of interest, with her beauty and that explicit profile), I fear she'll be having so much fun that she'll put me in the rearview mirror for good. (Our sex life had become a bit dull, as married sex often does; anyone she goes to bed with now is going to seem better just for being new and different.)

 

But after initially accepting that she was gone, I've decided in the last few weeks that I want her back more than anything in the world, and that I'm willing to make whatever changes necessary to do it. (Not just for her; I recognize that I need to change, to be a better man regardless of her. At least I've gotten that much out of all this, if nothing else.) I feel like if I'm going to have any chance, I have to move soon, before she gets a stream of new lovers running through her bed. But how do I effect a reconciliation from a distance of 2,500 miles?

 

It's probably unrealistic to hope for that, so here's a better question: how do I deal with the profound, all-consuming grief of my loss? I think of her literally every waking moment. Foolishly, I started dating right after she left, but I stopped when I realized I couldn't get through dinner without thinking of my ex. It's affecting my work and my health. I haven't slept more than a handful of nights the last few months without the aid of sleeping pills, and they're beginning to lose their effectiveness. If I don't find a way to cope, I'm going to be sick, crazy and/or unemployed. And with no savings (most of which went to taxes or divorce-related debts), to lose my job would mean having no other options but to go live with my mother in Kentucky, as I don't even have enough money in the bank to pay next month's rent. It would be the end of everything I've ever worked for. So I've got to figure out how to cope, or my life falls apart. What should I do?

Edited September 8, 2016 by DevastatedInCali

[Popsicle]

Besides the incompatibility issues during the marriage, your big mistake after the breakup was to keep this trickle texting going. By never stopping texting her, she knows that you never stopped wanting her. You think your heartfelt letter telling her you still want her was something new and a revelation to her? It wasn't. If you want her to miss you and feel the loss you need to stop texting and get ghost out of her life. It also shows her that you at least took some time to think about your mistakes, rather than just being clingy. When you broke up, you should have not spoken to her for a week at all, then sent her your apologies and all that heartfelt stuff asking her back. Then if she refused, never spoke to her again. Do NOT continue to be "friends"

Edited September 8, 2016 by Popsicle

[Popsicle]

And I hate to break it to you, but yes it true. Some people are just so attractive that they just move right on after a breakup. They don't really suffer much. There is nothing you can do about this. You just have to let it go.

[Marc878]

Your actions around the communication say "you are worth more than I am"

 

Essentially a version of the "pick me dance" which always pushes them further away.

 

If say you're done here. Best thing for you is go dark complete the divorce. And move on like she has. She is dating, looking for your replacement

[LancasterAmos1966]

I'm going to be sick, crazy and/or unemployed.

 

What should I do?

 

First of all, I'm sorry you are facing this situation.

 

After 20+ years of marriage, my wife walked away from me AND our 6 kids. Just decided she was tired of being a wife and mother. She started dating immediately and has had no problems finding multiple boyfriends.

 

I was sick, couldn't eat, couldn't stop crying ---- I hated those months of my life.

 

But I got sick and tired of MY nonsense, and got help.

 

How could I live the first 22 years of my life without even knowing this lady --- and now I was so sick, that I felt like I wanted to die.

 

Now that is some crazy emotional nonsense.

 

But I wanted help, so I talked it out, I bought a bunch of books, I read stories on this site.

 

I finally realized that the reason I was hurting so much was because I was trying to fix my marriage. I was trying to get my wife back.

 

Well, guess what, she did not want to return. So I needed to find a way to let go.

 

A book called Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships helped me realize that my wife wanted to be set free. This book won't help you get your wife back --- there is really no book to do that --- but this book will help YOU understand that she really wants out, and the best thing to do is set her free. (Anyway, why would you want to con her back into your life?? She wants to be set free. Set the lady free, recover from the hurt, and move on to the next chapter of life.)

 

Don't set her free in a nasty way with words like I hate you, or you ruined my life. How could she ruin your life??!! What if she would have died or had an accident that put her in a coma. Would you be banging on her coffin lid telling her that you hate her or going to the hospital yelling that you hate her?

 

No way. You'd grieve your loss, and move on.

 

Yes, you are hurting from the loss. But you can get through this.

 

It did not matter if I had more money, if I was more handsome, or if I was younger --- no matter what my qualities --- my wife wanted out!!

 

Once I accepted that, then the real healing began.

 

Learn to set your wife free. Forgive her for lying about her marriage Vow. Thank her for the years you spent together. And begin a new chapter of life.

 

Google the 5 stages of grief. It will help show where you are in the letting go process. You goal is to ACCEPT that this has happened, and you will begin a new chapter of life.

 

When you have to cry -- don't ever hold those tears in. Let R Rip. A good cry is good emotionally.

 

If you feel you are going to hurt yourself -- call the emergency people right away. This is a temporary situation. Don't make it permanent by hurting yourself.

 

Wishing you well.

[GorillaTheater]

The problems started almost immediately. I have only come to realize recently how many of them were my fault. I was often irritable, moody, and didn't like a lot of noise, certain cooking smells, etc. She liked to work out to loud, pumping music and use a lot of garlic. Before long, we were at loggerheads in a way we never had been in the four years we dated, during which time we never lived together.

 

We moved from DC to Chicago, and Chicago to the Bay Area, our troubles always following. When we got to California, we had to live in the burbs due to cost, and she hated it. (She can't stand the suburbs.) After a couple years, she began badgering me to find a job in DC so we could live in the city. But I liked our bayside apartment life in a sleepy town across the bay. I dragged my feet, even though she pointed out that we had twice moved for my career and now she thought it was time I made a move for her.

 

I was stubborn and neglectful. I didn't listen to her needs. And we both stopped trying. I'm not sure who quit first. It doesn't matter.

 

All this time we loved each other but just dug in. I guess she felt like she had given enough and it was my turn to give. And I was obstinate and selfish. So finally she left.

 

 

I don't know whether you're assuming too much of the blame; it's not unusual for the left-behind spouse to do so. But if you have objectively failed in your relationship, take the lessons learned and apply them to your next relationship, because this one is done. I'm sorry.

Edited September 8, 2016 by GorillaTheater

[DevastatedInCali]

Besides the incompatibility issues during the marriage, your big mistake after the breakup was to keep this trickle texting going. By never stopping texting her, she knows that you never stopped wanting her. You think your heartfelt letter telling her you still want her was something new and a revelation to her? It wasn't. If you want her to miss you and feel the loss you need to stop texting and get ghost out of her life. It also shows her that you at least took some time to think about your mistakes, rather than just being clingy. When you broke up, you should have not spoken to her for a week at all, then sent her your apologies and all that heartfelt stuff asking her back. Then if she refused, never spoke to her again. Do NOT continue to be "friends"

 

I didn't tell her I still wanted her. I owned my mistakes. And hell, I was looking for her replacement until recently, when I realized I wasn't ready. The first couple months, I'd have slept with anything that moved and said yes.

[Lowrider93]

I sorry you find yourself in this situation, we're all here for you.

Although the sorrow is overwhelming right now and you are feeling like your heart has been torn out, you need to stop beating yourself up first.

 

Find a way to see beyond this moment in your life where everything is upside down, forgive yourself for any mistakes you feel you made, and seek a place of emotional comfort, family and friends.

 

It's not easy to let go but at this point,you have no choice.

 

Finding a little peace of mind for yourself is where you need to start.

 

Peace

[DevastatedInCali]

I really appreciate all the advice. I posted this in a low moment and am now frankly very embarrassed about it. Does anyone know if or how I can delete this thread? Thanks.

[Satu]

Your post is like many others on LS.

 

You were unable or unwilling to change while you were with your wife, even though you knew what was bothering her, but now that she's gone, you're suddenly able and willing to change.

 

She won't buy it.

 

You had your chance when you were together, and you let it slip through your fingers.

 

There is zero chance of reconciliation.

 

Accept reality.

 

Let her go completely, so that you can both find the happiness, that wasn't there between the two of you.

 

What I've said has been very blunt, but true.

 

Sorry.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[Satu]

I really appreciate all the advice. I posted this in a low moment and am now frankly very embarrassed about it. Does anyone know if or how I can delete this thread? Thanks.

 

You can ask the mods to delete it by using the 'alert us' button, but I don't know if they will.

[DevastatedInCali]

Your post is like many others on LS.

 

You were unable or unwilling to change while you were with your wife, even though you knew what was bothering her, but now that she's gone, you're suddenly able and willing to change.

 

She won't buy it.

 

You had your chance when you were together, and you let it slip through your fingers.

 

There is zero chance of reconciliation.

 

Accept reality.

 

Let her go completely, so that you can both find the happiness, that wasn't there between the two of you.

 

What I've said has been very blunt, but true.

 

Sorry.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

 

I appreciate your candor. I know I blew it but I was blind then. I just hate that I opened my eyes too late.

[Satu]

I appreciate your candor. I know I blew it but I was blind then. I just hate that I opened my eyes too late.

 

Treat it as the mother and father of all learning experiences, because thats exactly what it is.

 

Even loss has a purpose.

 

Take some time out to round out your character and grow towards your full potential as a human being.

 

Say goodbye to your little self, and embrace your big self.

 

You said:

"I was often irritable, moody,"

 

Annihilate those characteristics.

 

Remove them from your character.

 

It's not easy, but its doable.

 

Go through your character, and ruthlessly eliminate all the nonsense.

 

It will take you at least 2 years to do that, but once you've done it, your life will be golden.

 

You'll be happier than you ever thought you could be.

 

Start now.

 

 

Take care.

Edited September 8, 2016 by Satu

[Mr. Lucky]

I really appreciate all the advice. I posted this in a low moment and am now frankly very embarrassed about it. Does anyone know if or how I can delete this thread? Thanks.

 

Here's the official policy:

 

Please post judiciously about your personal matters. In most cases, once a post has received replies, we will not be able to comply with later requests for the thread's removal, as it would be unfair to those participants who took the time to respond thoughtfully to the topic at hand. Your post should be considered a permanent addition to the LoveShack.org forum, accessible by anyone on the Internet.

 

I don't know whether you're assuming too much of the blame; it's not unusual for the left-behind spouse to do so.

 

Absolutely. On even the minor issues you cited (Garlic? Really?), there was a chance for both of you find a middle ground. It wasn't just your failure to not have done so.

 

Remember reading somewhere that "our unwillingness to open the letter doesn't change the contents". Unfortunately true in your case...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DevastatedInCali]

Again, I appreciate the replies, and I get the gist: forget about a reconciliation, it isn't happening. I thought that was an unlikely outcome and said so. So if anybody's got anything on the second, more important question (how do I cope with the loss, get my mind off of her, etc.), I'd really be grateful. A few people have offered some advice on this. I'd love to hear more about how to move on and less about how I blew it and I'm being dumb to want her back. Thanks.

[Marc878]

Again, I appreciate the replies, and I get the gist: forget about a reconciliation, it isn't happening. I thought that was an unlikely outcome and said so. So if anybody's got anything on the second, more important question (how do I cope with the loss, get my mind off of her, etc.), I'd really be grateful. A few people have offered some advice on this. I'd love to hear more about how to move on and less about how I blew it and I'm being dumb to want her back. Thanks.

 

Hard 180, no contact unless business or D related. Join a gym, etc to occupy your time and keep your mind off it. Time will take care of the rest.

[Aloneuk]

Do you miss your wife and the relationship you had?

Or do you think it could be a case of wanting what you can no longer have?

 

I went through something similar with my ex. Our relationship wasn't amazing but as soon as he ended it, all I wanted was him back. I hate to say it but looking back, I don't think I would have felt the same at all if I had gotten round to ending the Relationship first...

 

I'm afraid I think only time will heal, so firstly you need to accept its over, acknowledge your mistakes in the relationship and where you can improve in the future, and spend this time focusing on doing things for you. Spend time with friends, get fit, catch up on tv programmes, sort the house out, whatever you like doing! Try and enjoy this time as if you don't, you will regret it when you are in your next long term relationship!

 

All the best

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd love to hear more about how to move on and less about how I blew it and I'm being dumb to want her back. Thanks.

 

Neither of those bits of self-flagellation are true. You didn't blow it, marital failure in a situation like yours is a team effort. It's also not dumb to miss someone you care about.

 

You move on by accepting those emotions are real, denying their existence only delays progress. I'm sure you've heard of the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - each makes a beneficial contribution to healing.

 

In other words, it's a process. Stay busy, depend on available family and friends, give yourself some credit for progress made.

 

Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[springy]

I think you have been given some sound advice about moving on, so I have nothing further to add. I only want to repeat a *must* in this situation - sever all contact - that means facebook, instagram, twitter, gossip from friends, dating site "stalking" and the like. Texts/phone calls/emails ONLY for *business* purposes. She may fight against that for a bit, try to make you feel guilty...but you must not let her manipulate you into being "besties" while you are in this fragile emotional state.

 

Has she filed for divorce?

[standtall]

No more smoochie love letters and texts...it makes you look weak. If you want any hope of getting an her radar is to show how desirable you are..hence a large part of the 180..do it.

 

The best way to show her you're the man is to live well.

[Lowrider93]

What do you think it's gonna take to get your life back on the right path again?

 

San Fran is pricey, you may have to relocate just to stay in the black.

[rose24]

As I read this I am sorry you are in this pain and perhaps my answer will not be one you expect but do hope one you will give some thought too

I am older and a Christian so respectively my response is based on what it took me many mistakes and a living to 72 years to learn.

First I cannot have a healthy relationship until I am healthy, and based on your letter it sounds like first you need to search within yourself and now truly who you are and who you want to be and then you will have a better chance with future relationships. When we get into a relationship based on anything other than true love and respect for each other we are heading for disaster. And it sounds like neither of you entered this marriage with that in place. Also when we enter relationship out of need or to fix someone that too is not going to result in happiness on either side.

When we ourselves become healthy physically, spiritually and emotionally we then will seek out the same in another and choose someone who has the capacity to give and receive true love.

I truly hope you will consider perhaps getting some counseling to find that healthy self you are meant to be and then I think you will gain more insight and clarity and allow her to do the same.

Neither of you by your letter sound like at this time you should be together, nor even in a relationship. She is using a physical need to meet an emotional one and that I am afraid will only bring her more pain, but she alone can discover this, just as you alone can discover where and how you need to heal and move forward with a clear direction giving hope for the future.

[DevastatedInCali]

When I first posted here a little over two weeks ago, I had hit a real low point. I think I'm bouncing back. It hasn't been easy, but with the help of my therapist and the support of good friends, I'm coming to see that it wasn't all my fault. There were things I shouldn't have done, and there were things I could have done better, but in the end, I really don't think it would have made any difference. If I had agreed to relocate, it might have prolonged the marriage another year or two, but ultimately, my wife was simply never going to be comfortable with being married. She told me just before she left that it had nothing to do with loving me or not; she simply wasn't cut out for a committed relationship and probably would never enter into one again. I think this may well be true.

 

Last week, I informed her that I was going to stop texting her, to give us both some space, and I've stuck to it. It hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. I spent a quarter of my life talking to her every day, and I thought it would kill me to lose that contact, but it hasn't.

 

I've gone out with a couple of women since then, and they were both very interesting, and we had a good time. I went out a second time with one of them, and it didn't go as well as the first time; in fact, it actually went south pretty fast, so I don't think we're likely to see each other again, but that's OK. The other one says she'd like to see me again but is really busy at work right now, a lot of late hours, so we'll see. But it was good to remind myself that my wife was not the end-all-be-all, and that there are many extraordinary women out there.

 

I'm also working on myself. I've been minding my diet (down 30 pounds this year), getting some exercise, and most of all, seeing my therapist every Thursday. He's been very good and I think he's helping me to deal with some of the issues that draw me into unhealthy relationships (like the one that just ended).

 

It isn't easy, and there are still moments when I check my ex's Facebook feed to see what she's doing. But that's happening less and less every day. I'm starting to sleep through the night again without pills, for the first time in months.

 

I want to say thank you to everyone who responded to my initial post. In many cases, your advice was blunt and not what I wanted to hear at the time, but it was good and true advice. It helped me face reality and bounce back from what was easily the worst moment of my life.

[alsudduth]

Again, I appreciate the replies, and I get the gist: forget about a reconciliation, it isn't happening. I thought that was an unlikely outcome and said so. So if anybody's got anything on the second, more important question (how do I cope with the loss, get my mind off of her, etc.), I'd really be grateful. A few people have offered some advice on this. I'd love to hear more about how to move on and less about how I blew it and I'm being dumb to want her back. Thanks.

 

Independent Counseling is a godsend for me. Most of what I talk about with my counselor are things I know, but it's really great to have an unbiased talk with someone. It's like having a talk with your conscience.

 

As for coping with moving on - my motto is out of sight out of mind. delete her number (If you must have it for marriage ending stuff for now, put it on a small piece of paper in your dresser), block on social media, don't respond to msg's from her, etc. It will be very hard, and then a little less hard, and then before you know it you will have just moved on without realizing it.

 

Focus on yourself and what you want to accomplish in life. Learn a new skill, travel to a new place, try something you've never done before, or just put everything into building your career and climbing that ladder.

 

Good Luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm also working on myself. I've been minding my diet (down 30 pounds this year), getting some exercise, and most of all, seeing my therapist every Thursday. He's been very good and I think he's helping me to deal with some of the issues that draw me into unhealthy relationships (like the one that just ended).

 

Congrats on the weight loss and the commitment to moving forward. Hope the coming year brings you the satisfaction and contentment you've long deserved ...

 

Mr. Lucky