The other woman

[marriage101]

Hi all,

 

I need your advice. I am newly wed. My husband is the most honest, caring and loving person I know. We have known each other for over 1.5 years.

 

He has this female friend whom I will refer as MA. They have been friends for over 16 years. At some point in his life, they were roommates and they dated. But for some reason, it did not work out. Still, my husband remained friends with her because she never questions him and they share the same opinion about general stuff.

 

MA lost her dad at a very early age and her mom apparently ignored her. Consequently, she turned out to be douchy sometimes and selfish. She also takes time to warm up to people.

 

For example, she was very cold to me when we visited her. She barely talked to me and that made me feel very uncomfortable. But she was my husbands friend so I tried to be ok with the situation.

 

MA usually goes on trips around the world and when we told her we were getting married on a tropical island (where I come from), we asked if she would want to come.

 

I had no problem with that. She is one of his oldest friends and I thought she would want to attend his wedding. However, in the weeks leading to the wedding, it became very clear to me that she was not coming to assist the wedding but to visit the island. Up to that point, I was still fine with that.

 

The following incidents are what made me question her feelings towards my husband and led me to the conclusion that she was not respecting my marriage to him:

 

1) At the restaurant, after a tough situation, I wanted to loosen up. I had the intention of sharing my husbands wine. He does not like wine that much. But then, MA said to him: Yo! Your wine is mine! as if she had a claim on him and his things.

 

2) After the reception on the wedding day, my mother-in-law who was supposed to share a hotel room with her, got upset at something. From what I understood from my mother-in-law, the thing that got her upset was brought to her attention by MA. That incident made my husband cry. Being a good friend of my husband for over 16 years, she could have tried to calm her down given that it was his wedding day. But instead she helped amplify her anger. When my husband asked her about this, she said she did try but could not control my mother-in-law.

 

3) My husband and I sat down next to each other as always to eat. We found out that there was crab soup and my husband did not want that. So I got up from my chair, took his plate, went to the other side of the table to serve him. At that point, there were two free chairs: my chair next to my husband and the chair across the table. Everybody left the chair next to Mic empty since we always sat together. But then, MA appeared and sat right next to him. I did not say anything then since I did not want to create a scene or make it awkward. But then, she got up to go get something and I took my seat back.

 

4) When it is a mans birthday, the wife is the first one who feeds him cake at the birthday celebration. It is common courtesy that the guests wait for their turn. But that is not what she did. I was holding the plate of cake pieces and picking one up when she sneaked up behind me to feed him. It is his first birthday that we are celebrating as husband and wife and she does that!!! Apparently, she was in a hurry.

 

5) Most of the times I turned around, I would find her standing close to my husband and whispering. Why should she feel the need to take somebody aside and whisper? They were just talking about regular stuff but it is the whispering....is that right?

 

6) My husband rushed upstairs saying loudly he was going to change his outfit. After a while, I realized it was time to go and he was not yet downstairs, so I went up. My husband is supposed to be getting ready but instead, she and him are whispering (again) in OUR bedroom which she did not ask my permission to go in. I walked in...what was the need to end that conversation and start talking about other stuff??

 

Am I wrong or insane to think that those incidents led to me realizing that she disrespects our marriage??

 

According to my husband, she is just selfish and douchy but she was not disrespecting our marriage.

 

My husband thinks I overreacted. He defends her saying that she is a douche. Am I wrong?

[BuddyX]

If she's selfish or douchey then why is he allowing her into your lives? And don't tell me "so many years".

 

Your husband is weak. This will not change. This is who you married. He'll rather stay the course than upset anyone.

 

Time to put your big panties on. Tell him "me or her". If he tells you "don't make me choose between my friend and you". Ask him if he is choosing friend over wife?

 

You'll have your answer. In fact, I encourage you to get that answer. You don't want your marriage to end up like this.

[marriage101]

He told me he was going to do whatever I wanted him to do. I confronted MA and she told me there was nothing malicious and knowing all this, she would stay out of our lives. My problem is that now she looks like the victim who did not do anything wrong. My husband does not show it but I know he is sad about it. I feel like he thinks that he lost a friend because of my overreaction. He is naive and I want to know if my anger was justified. I tried explaining it to him but he does not get it.

[marriage101]

I told her I want her in our lives if she can respect my marriage and it has been 4 days and no response from her.

[BuddyX]

I told her I want her in our lives if she can respect my marriage and it has been 4 days and no response from her.

 

Smart move

Edited September 9, 2016 by BuddyX
Grammar

[Chica80]

Regardless of how long they have been friends, her behavior is not ok....

 

I say this even as an OW.

 

1. It may be true that it is all her and nothing going on.

2. Your husband is not assertive, conflict avoidant and will never stand up to her.

3. Or there is something else going on and that's why she behaves the way she does.

[ShatteredLady]

My best friend is a man. My husband knew this right from the start. My bf has always been very, very sensitive to our relationship. Right from the start he made sure to excuse himself from us if we were out but wanted 'couple time'. He went out of his way to befriend my husband (when we were first dating) because he knew that it was important to me (Just as I have always respected & 'woman bonded' with all of his girlfriends over the years.)

 

There's a HUGE difference between knowing someone for a long time & being dear friends. Sometimes we party with people when young but we outgrow eachother.

 

From everything you've said they're not great best friends. They've known eachother most of their lives but she doesn't seem to have any understanding, compassion or true caring for your husband. As a real friend she should know him. His weaknesses & strengths. She should always be behaving in the best way for him & his happiness. That's what friends do!

 

As I said, sometimes you outgrow people & realize that you were never real friends. It sounds like you & your husband have realized this. It's sad for him because that's a lot of history. If he loved her as his best friend he would work hard to get his wife & best friend to bond. He wouldn't of allowed the disrespect that led to this situation.

 

She's just someone who he's known for a long time & he's grown to tolerate her awful behavior. He's 'dumped' her, yes? He's done that for you, yes? That's good! If she was important enough he would of worked harder to get you to understand eachother. He knows she's a "douche!"

Edited September 9, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[aileD]

I don't think there is anything going on other than her disrespect for you.

 

Hubby should put an end to that. Don't feel bad for setting boundaries. They are normal and it's on HER if she chooses not to respect them. If she cared about your hubby as a friend Then she would respect any concerns you had. If she chooses not to, that is on HER. Not on you. Stop feeing bad.

 

My best friend was a guy once. Slept with him in HS and both admitted it was a mistake and we were better as friends. He became like a brother. All was ok with H and him until H had an affair . Friend wouldn't forgive him. Vowed to never respect or want to be around H even though *I* had forgiven. Ended up giving up that friendship (we are more acquaintances now instead of brother/sister) because he couldn't respect my husband and also MY choice.

 

Your husband may be sad, but it's HER choice to leave. You aren't forcing anything.

[anika99]

My best friend is a man. My husband knew this right from the start. My bf has always been very, very sensitive to our relationship. Right from the start he made sure to excuse himself from us if we were out but wanted 'couple time'. He went out of his way to befriend my husband (when we were first dating) because he knew that it was important to me (Just as I have always respected & 'woman bonded' with all of his girlfriends over the years.)

 

There's a HUGE difference between knowing someone for a long time & being dear friends. Sometimes we party with people when young but we outgrow eachother.

 

From everything you've said they're not great best friends. They've known eachother most of their lives but she doesn't seem to have any understanding, compassion or true caring for your husband. As a real friend she should know him. His weaknesses & strengths. She should always be behaving in the best way for him & his happiness. That's what friends do!

 

As I said, sometimes you outgrow people & realize that you were never real friends. It sounds like you & your husband have realized this. It's sad for him because that's a lot of history. If he loved her as his best friend he would work hard to get his wife & best friend to bond. He wouldn't of allowed the disrespect that led to this situation.

 

She's just someone who he's known for a long time & he's grown to tolerate her awful behavior. He's 'dumped' her, yes? He's done that for you, yes? That's good! If she was important enough he would of worked harder to get you to understand eachother. He knows she's a "douche!"

 

He didn't dump her, he let his wife confront her while he stayed silent and did nothing and now he's feeling sad about it and thinks his wife over reacted.

 

OP your husband is the one who needed to put this friend in her place. By allowing you to confront her while he cowered like a spineless dish rag he has just made you look like a crazy harpy. He needs to understand that he needs to put you before his friends and he has to put up a united front with you. I see trouble ahead for you if he is not going to stand up for you and deal with his female friends appropriately.

[Cloudcuckoo]

She is obviously jealous...

 

Your husband is obviously weak..

 

You've set your boundaries quite succinctly, now your husband should rightly put his wife FIRST.....

 

Your marriage is new and it takes a couple of years to settle into life as a bonded pair, but healthy compromise in a marriage does not include compromising boundaries.

 

Perhaps a discussion about your expectations within it might be overdue and give you both a firm foundation on which to build your lives together as you begin this new stage of your relationship.

 

Congratulations to you both, and good luck.

 

Cuckoo

[marriage101]

Thank you for your feedback. I am Hindu and my husband is Canadian québécois. I was not sure if what MA did was disrespectful or not.

[wmacbride]

Thank you for your feedback. I am Hindu and my husband is Canadian québécois. I was not sure if what MA did was disrespectful or not.

 

It was disrespectful, and you did the right thing is setting your boundaries.

 

He behavior is not cultural. She was just being a twit and a knob.

 

With respect to your husband-being from Canada myself and having met lots of people from Quebec, I haven't found the men to be conflict avoidant like him. In fact, they have all been anything but. That trait is just part of your husband's personality.

 

In all honesty, I don't get why he, and you as well, are willing to excuse her "douchy"behavior because of her past. Many people have had rough times, but they don't use that as an excuse to treat others with disrespect.

 

Whether or not there is any actual cheating, this woman is obviously jealous of you. She sounds like a little child who has only become interested in the toy when she sees someone else playing with it. You did the right thing to stand up for yourself, and I expect it may not have been an easy thing to do, given the situation.

 

As for the "ow", she could have chosen to at least treat you in a civil manner and maybe even build a friendship with you. She chose not to do that, which is on her, She is no victim.

[Mr. Lucky]

She is obviously jealous...

 

Your husband is obviously weak..

 

 

Exactly. Your thread should be titled "The Other Man", that's the role your husband has willingly played in this relationship. "MA" isn't the problem, there's lots of douchy people in this world. A healthy married couple sets boundaries limiting those people's access to their lives - and bedrooms.

 

I'd guess on some level your husband has enjoyed her attention...

 

Mr. Lucky