I realize how dangerous this is

[paradoxx]

I know this is wrong. I'll just start with that since I'm not trying to justify anything. I'm just thinking and wanting the kind of experienced input that you have.

 

MM is in his 20's, has been married for 5 years and has tried to get affection from his wife, but she makes excuses to avoid intimacy including cuddling. I could tell he was upset and hadn't talked to anyone about this before. I think he wasn't sure if this was normal. I am supplemental. I know that. After 6 months he's opening up to me and I felt really sorry for him.

 

All this time, I've been really guarded, trying to protect my emotions, but now that I've started to see his struggle, I feel more connected and I get that I could grow more attached.

 

In a way I'm grateful to feel emotions at all (I was really confused that I had an emotional response to this.) but I see the danger, destruction and heartbreak that could follow.

[Rockflower]

Remind yourself of the oxygen mask analogy - you must look after yourself properly before you help anyone else.

 

Otherwise you'll be pulled down to their level.

 

Print that out and put it on your mirror / stick it in your mobile.

 

Don't go there.

 

RF x

[Grey Cloud]

For one, we all know that MM spin the stories to have you feeling sorry for them and keeping you hooked. I bet if someone talked to his wife she would be completely happy with the cuddling and intimacy in their relationship!

 

Do you work with him? How often do you see him? Getting attached is the absolute WORST thing you can do. Because then you will accept anything, even the crumbs to continue seeing him. He will never leave his wife. It's a dead end road to no where and if his wife ever finds out he will cut you out of his life in an instant. No matter how good you think your relationship is and how compatible you are now.

 

I wish someone had of talked some sense into me before I got hooked emotionally. Because it is VERY VERY painful to move on when it all goes pear shaped.

[Poppy47]

I know this is wrong. I'll just start with that since I'm not trying to justify anything. I'm just thinking and wanting the kind of experienced input that you have.

 

MM is in his 20's, has been married for 5 years and has tried to get affection from his wife, but she makes excuses to avoid intimacy including cuddling. I could tell he was upset and hadn't talked to anyone about this before. I think he wasn't sure if this was normal. I am supplemental. I know that. After 6 months he's opening up to me and I felt really sorry for him.

 

All this time, I've been really guarded, trying to protect my emotions, but now that I've started to see his struggle, I feel more connected and I get that I could grow more attached.

 

In a way I'm grateful to feel emotions at all (I was really confused that I had an emotional response to this.) but I see the danger, destruction and heartbreak that could follow.

 

Oh Pleeease don't feel sorry for him. He is using you.

 

As they say on LS... fix it or leave it. He might leave but until then tell him to speak to his wife about the problem. You are not his go to entertainment.

Poppy.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Firstly, it was a wise step to come here before your feelings completely overwhelm any common sense, and I congratulate you that you've used it.

 

If you haven't already, read some of the horrific tales here of what some of the other women have been through. It's heartbreaking. The things a married man will tell a woman not his wife to encourage her to bend to his surreptitious whims is calculated, selfish at best and downright vile on occasion!

 

Do not be fooled by his feigned distress. He should be either resolving his marital woes with his wife, or failing all else, getting a divorce. You are not his therapist, he should be paying someone completely removed from his situation to guide him, not you.

 

Save your empathy for someone who really needs it. This man will destroy you if you fall for his beguiling professions to you.

 

Can you begin to imagine what his wife would think if she knew? She'd be horrified, humiliated that he is discussing the intimate details of her marriage with another woman, and a stranger to boot. Is that something you would feel comfortable with? If it were you wouldn't you feel the same? Stand in her shoes and see how that feels.

 

Stay and ask the other women here how they've suffered because they've become embroiled in a web of lies and deceit because they didn't listen to their alarm bells when pursued by a practiced deceiver.

 

These girls will all tell you how awful it really is, even the ones who are still involved with a married man. Ask your questions and deeply reflect on their answers before you go down the rabbit hole...

 

Wishing you fortitude and wisdom, good luck.

 

Cuckoo

[Forever broken]

That's how affairs usually begins well in my case. They start to paint the spouse in a horrible way which draws you to them. You might even start envisioning your life with them. They will leave you and stay with that same spouse they claim to despise. Take it from me, the end will be a bitter pill to swallow. Tell him to communicate with his wife, seek marriage counseling or get a divorce.

[Midwestmissy]

If he's confiding in you about his wife, his marriage will never improve. If any energy he gives to you he instead gave his wife, she might feel more intimate.

 

Someone who truly cared about him would tell him to stop discussing the marriage with anyone but his wife. He made a commitment to her. Until that is severed legally, he needs to see it through. Boy, these guys know how to get sympathy from women.

[NTV]

If my wife was complaining to other dudes about me I wouldn't want to cuddle either.

[privategal]

You apparently don't know how dangerous this is or you'd bail NOW.

I have no interest in lecturing on the morality but it's your health and wellbeing that will suffer so greatly.

When it ends you will cry and greive and barely recognize yourself.

You will ask yourself a million times why you did this to yourself and why you didn't walk away.

You will realize how much of a selfish @ss he is crying to you about his wife but he never even sat down with HER to fix things, he gets validation, attention and love from you but the irony is...in the end it seems to come full circle and the ow actually fixes him up and fixes their marriage....the ap takes everything he can to rebuild himself, like an emotional and physical leech, then discards it.

You just gotta know at some point you will be the one left holding the heaviest bag of brokenness, confusion, pain, anxiety, alone and empty, and he will be able to pick up, move on and reinvest in that marriage so fast your head will spin.

Don't allow the train wreck to continue, your at a crossroads you see its getting to be more and there's a heavier fog starting to overtake you, your getting more lost in him, and the irony is he's getting what he needs from you in order to be better for his wife.

Don't keep going, please end it for you.

[Poppy47]

Firstly, it was a wise step to come here before your feelings completely overwhelm any common sense, and I congratulate you that you've used it.

 

If you haven't already, read some of the horrific tales here of what some of the other women have been through. It's heartbreaking. The things a married man will tell a woman not his wife to encourage her to bend to his surreptitious whims is calculated, selfish at best and downright vile on occasion!

 

Do not be fooled by his feigned distress. He should be either resolving his marital woes with his wife, or failing all else, getting a divorce. You are not his therapist, he should be paying someone completely removed from his situation to guide him, not you.

 

Save your empathy for someone who really needs it. This man will destroy you if you fall for his beguiling professions to you.

 

Can you begin to imagine what his wife would think if she knew? She'd be horrified, humiliated that he is discussing the intimate details of her marriage with another woman, and a stranger to boot. Is that something you would feel comfortable with? If it were you wouldn't you feel the same? Stand in her shoes and see how that feels.

 

Stay and ask the other women here how they've suffered because they've become embroiled in a web of lies and deceit because they didn't listen to their alarm bells when pursued by a practiced deceiver.

 

These girls will all tell you how awful it really is, even the ones who are still involved with a married man. Ask your questions and deeply reflect on their answers before you go down the rabbit hole...

 

Wishing you fortitude and wisdom, good luck.

 

Cuckoo

 

Cuckoo is correct. Read and learn from the people on here.

 

It can be a valuable education if you are willing to learn.

 

Poppy.

[BuddyX]

Not sure I bumped into a woman that said "I don't want any part of it. That cuddling sh*t is over rated".

 

Not saying it cant happen, but think about that. For all you know he's abusive and she doesn't want to be near him.

[stillafool]

Tell him if he's unhappy with his wife and sex life to get a divorce. Stop hanging around with him listening to his marital problems. It's none of your business.

[Satu]

You should assume that everything he tells you about his marriage is a lie.

 

You should also assume that everything he tells about the affair is a lie.

 

 

From my journal:

 

 

Unfaithful married men are especially good at two things:

 

1. Telling lies.

 

2. Finding people who will believe those lies.

 

 

Many of them do this again and again with woman after woman.

 

 

Check yourself for gullibility.

 

 

Take care.

[imperfectangel]

Whenever my mm slated his wife which tbh was rare the only reply he ever got from me was it can't be that bad or you wouldn't be with her. Funny, he never replied whenever I said that

[aileD]

Every single MM in the history of time has used the "I don't get affection at home" sob story to woo his next side piece.

 

There's also the ever popular "we haven't had sex in months/years" (LIE), and the "I love her but I'm not IN love with her" and the "I'm only staying for the kids" and "Imbso unhappy but can't leave" excuses.

 

Don't fall for any of it. If he's not getting affection at home it's not because his wife's a cold biathlon, it's probably because he's not putting in any effort to meet her needs either. Us women are easy, do a few dishes and tell me I'm pretty and I'm jumping on you every night. It's not that difficult .

 

Let me tell ou what you have to look forward to if you get caught up in this.

 

-lies

-promises of being together that won't come true

-excuses (the kids, guilt, finances)

-lonely nights

-deception--you think he's at home lonely and missing you but he's actually still banging his wife.

-being dragged along for years and years of unkept promises

-you'll grow a pair and stand up and demand he leave her

-he won't

-wife will find out.

-he'll cut you out of his life because of the threat of losing his marriage family is greater than his "love" for your "affection" (read: body)

 

 

He's got problems in his marriage. He can either fix them, or divorce. You have no business with him unless he actually divorced. (They all say they're GOING TO, or that it's IN PROCESS....but that's a lie too. Wait for the papers to be signed because they almost always go back)

 

I'll give you my Husbands ex mistress/"soulmate" phone number and she can tell ou how her life is going since he dumped her a year and a half later holding an unsigned lease to an apartment in her hand. He destroyed her life with broken promises and false hope, she Sacrificed things like her disapproving family, her apartment, her religious community, her job, he schooling....all for someone else's husband who claimed he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her but is right back next to ME, working on OUR marriage and she's out in the dust somewhere trying to get her life back together after she wasted a year and a half of it on NOTHINg

 

Save yourself now

[Satu]

He is where he wants to be, with the person he wants to be with.

 

QED.

[carhill]

I know this is wrong. I'll just start with that since I'm not trying to justify anything. I'm just thinking and wanting the kind of experienced input that you have.

Working through the emotions is a process. IME, the one thing about affairs that can stick with one is unfinished business.

 

MM is in his 20's, has been married for 5 years and has tried to get affection from his wife, but she makes excuses to avoid intimacy including cuddling. I could tell he was upset and hadn't talked to anyone about this before. I think he wasn't sure if this was normal. I am supplemental. I know that. After 6 months he's opening up to me and I felt really sorry for him.

20's can be a dramatic time and I'll share something one of our past presidents, Ronald Reagan, used to great effect:

 

Trust, but verify.

 

Why? Neither you nor any of us can read minds and, well, people lie when it benefits them.

 

At minimum, contact with his wife can verify aspects of his story; however, even then, no one really knows for sure what goes on behind closed doors. Like our MC used to opine, there are two sides to every story, then there's the truth of it somewhere in the middle.

 

All this time, I've been really guarded, trying to protect my emotions, but now that I've started to see his struggle, I feel more connected and I get that I could grow more attached.

I'd reconsider getting attached due to struggle. BTDT. It's fixer addiction.

 

In a way I'm grateful to feel emotions at all (I was really confused that I had an emotional response to this.) but I see the danger, destruction and heartbreak that could follow.

It's healthy to feel emotions appropriate to a healthy, happy and productive relationship where each partner's desires and needs are being addressed.

 

My version of your experience back in the day was.....hmm, how to put this nicely? Being an emotional tampon for MW's who weren't getting the attention they wanted in their M's. It took meeting their husbands to really get a handle on the picture and what was what. Verify.

 

Good luck!

[grassisorisntgreener]

Married men will say they don't get affection at home because they need to justify to you, and themselves that they deserve this extra attention.

 

If he truly wanted to work on his marriage he would. He would be in counseling with his wife to resolve the issues or dissolve the marriage. He is with you because it's easier than being honest.

[imperfectangel]

Every single MM in the history of time has used the "I don't get affection at home" sob story to woo his next side piece.

 

There's also the ever popular "we haven't had sex in months/years" (LIE), and the "I love her but I'm not IN love with her" and the "I'm only staying for the kids" and "Imbso unhappy but can't leave" excuses.

 

Don't fall for any of it. If he's not getting affection at home it's not because his wife's a cold biathlon, it's probably because he's not putting in any effort to meet her needs either. Us women are easy, do a few dishes and tell me I'm pretty and I'm jumping on you every night. It's not that difficult .

 

Let me tell ou what you have to look forward to if you get caught up in this.

 

-lies

-promises of being together that won't come true

-excuses (the kids, guilt, finances)

-lonely nights

-deception--you think he's at home lonely and missing you but he's actually still banging his wife.

-being dragged along for years and years of unkept promises

-you'll grow a pair and stand up and demand he leave her

-he won't

-wife will find out.

-he'll cut you out of his life because of the threat of losing his marriage family is greater than his "love" for your "affection" (read: body)

 

 

He's got problems in his marriage. He can either fix them, or divorce. You have no business with him unless he actually divorced. (They all say they're GOING TO, or that it's IN PROCESS....but that's a lie too. Wait for the papers to be signed because they almost always go back)

 

I'll give you my Husbands ex mistress/"soulmate" phone number and she can tell ou how her life is going since he dumped her a year and a half later holding an unsigned lease to an apartment in her hand. He destroyed her life with broken promises and false hope, she Sacrificed things like her disapproving family, her apartment, her religious community, her job, he schooling....all for someone else's husband who claimed he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her but is right back next to ME, working on OUR marriage and she's out in the dust somewhere trying to get her life back together after she wasted a year and a half of it on NOTHINg

 

Save yourself now

 

I have to question why any bs would want to stay with such a man

[imperfectangel]

He is where he wants to be, with the person he wants to be with.

 

QED.

 

Every time I want to reach to him this is all I have to say to myself. What's the point? What will contact achieve? Nothing

[Cloudcuckoo]

Not sure I bumped into a woman that said "I don't want any part of it. That cuddling sh*t is over rated".

 

Not saying it cant happen, but think about that. For all you know he's abusive and she doesn't want to be near him.

 

Buddy, that did make me titter...great quote...

 

Please excuse the t/j everyone....

[MidnightBlue1980]

Oh Pleeease don't feel sorry for him. He is using you.

 

As they say on LS... fix it or leave it. He might leave but until then tell him to speak to his wife about the problem. You are not his go to entertainment.

Poppy.

 

1000%. And trust me, after he gets his self confidence boast from you, Paradoxx, he will fix things with his wife and say he can't talk to you anymore.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I have to question why any bs would want to stay with such a man

 

I've read her thread and she does love him but beyond that, men are men and they will do and take from us basically as much as we allow. Obviously a serial cheater is one thing but her husband got all caught up with a young girl, same as mine. Luckily I caught him before it went down that road but these things are like a pebble rolling downhill, they get bigger and bigger as they go faster and faster, and men don't know how to stop it. Ironically they turn to their wives to rescue them. It's typically no accident we catch them. My H left his phone on the bed.

[Ronnie33]

Everything he said is right out of the "cheating MM handbook"

 

So unoriginal

[Lobe]

MM is in his 20's, has been married for 5 years and has tried to get affection from his wife, but she makes excuses to avoid intimacy including cuddling. I could tell he was upset and hadn't talked to anyone about this before. I think he wasn't sure if this was normal. I am supplemental. I know that. After 6 months he's opening up to me and I felt really sorry for him.

 

All this time, I've been really guarded, trying to protect my emotions, but now that I've started to see his struggle, I feel more connected and I get that I could grow more attached.

 

In a way I'm grateful to feel emotions at all (I was really confused that I had an emotional response to this.) but I see the danger, destruction and heartbreak that could follow.

 

SO here's my story. My husband stopped giving me flowers, taking me on dates, and holding hands with me a few years into our marriage. His idea of "cuddling" was grabbing a tit and hoping I'd offer to go down on him. When the only reason your husband touches you or shows you any affection is because he wants to bone, it grows real old, real fast. I wasn't putting out because he wasn't even trying anymore. So what you are hearing from his is at best 50% of the story and will be shrouded in lies of omission or fabrication to spin a tale of tragedy so believable you will fall for it. And him.

 

You want the whole truth? Call his wife. Ask to meet her. If you don't want to because you already have inappropriate feelings for him that is a BIG RED FLAG that you are already too attached and need to back the truck up. You want to HELP this man save his marriage? Every time he talks to you, ask him how things are going with his wife. Buy him a book like "7 secrets to falling back in love with your spouse" and offer him the name of a great therapist in your area who specializes in couples where there is a threat of infidelity. Tell him that people who feel like they are not getting enough at home are often not giving enough and tell him that he should be telling her about how he feels not you. If he just wants to be friends then he will thank you and ask you over to meet his wife. If he genuinely is unhappy in his marriage he will DIVORCE his wife and call you when the ink is dry and he has an apartment of his own. If he just wants in your panties because he's a scared little entitled coward, he will doggedly continue trying to gain your sympathy and sucker you into letting him diddle you in the copy room.

 

Let me be 100% clear here about the state of his marriage. You know exactly NOTHING about his relationship with his wife except a) that he loved her enough to marry her, b) he has not left her yet, and c) whatever half-truths and selective lies he has chosen to disclose to you. The fact he is discussing his marital dissatisfaction to you is a HUGE RED FLAG - he should be talking to his wife or a counsellor about that NOT a gullible willing young coworker who he has obviously figured out is responsive to his inappropriate attention.

 

You need to RUN not walk but RUN to the store and buy yourself a copy of "NOT just friends" by Shirley Glass. Spoiler alert: your MM's actions come straight from the cheater's handbook.