Affairs with happy endings - share your story

[aileD]

I hope you didn't stay and try to reconcile with your cheater.

 

Why would you hope that? Every situation is different. I didn't judge you at all I just asked valid questions.

[goodyblue]

Why would you hope that? Every situation is different. I didn't judge you at all I just asked valid questions.

 

The reason I say that is obviously there is no redemption in your eyes as you said it is in my h's nature to cheat. If your h cheated and you stayed, you obviously will spend your life wondering and worrying. That is an awful life for him and you both.

[noelle303]

The ''happy ending'' in our affair story was that we both came to our senses never to do something like that again.

 

His wife decded to work on their marriage and was also accepting enough to treat my daughter (her stepdaughter) fairly. That's another very fortunate thing.

 

We were lucky enough that our actions didn't explode as badly as they could have and I find that to be a ''happy ending''.

[Jemima1234]

Wish I had a happy ending but hope every day for healing and peace going forward!

[Birdies]

I am experiencing my "happy ending", in that my MM and I have both have had our marriages end and are very much in love and well-suited to be with each other. But the process is far from happy. We are wracked with guilt for emotionally destroying the people whom we once loved the very most in the entire world, we miss some parts about our former spouses and our former lives tremendously, we have upended countless friendships and family relationships, and even if we end up "happily ever after" (which I think is a serious possibility and something I very much hope for), our love will always be tainted by the way that we began our relationship.

 

I agree with PPs that when a prolonged affair is involved, there's really no happy ending :/ It's very unlikely that things will turn out the way they did for me, and even if they do, it's a very difficult situation to be in.

[cocorico]

Eh, everyone is fine here. If the b.s. is still unhappy after all this time then she needs to look within herself, as my h and I did in order to foster a healthy relationship.

 

Same here. The kids were much happier - still are - and his wider extended family is so much happier having him back. It's been many years so if the xBW is still miserable then she's clearly exercising a choice to remain so.

[cocorico]

The reason I say that is obviously there is no redemption in your eyes as you said it is in my h's nature to cheat. If your h cheated and you stayed, you obviously will spend your life wondering and worrying. That is an awful life for him and you both.

 

I agree. There is a *huge* difference between "repeat offenders" who reoffend with alacrity, and those who under extreme circumstances find themselves doing it once, but find it difficult and stressful and are adamant they would not do it again. And, importantly, do the work to make sure.

[goodyblue]

I agree. There is a *huge* difference between "repeat offenders" who reoffend with alacrity, and those who under extreme circumstances find themselves doing it once, but find it difficult and stressful and are adamant they would not do it again. And, importantly, do the work to make sure.

 

Exactly. But you will get roasted for having that opinion here. Apparently when a BS stays with their husband it is fine but if I stay with my AP he will cheat (even tho he didn't lie or cheat on me). It is irritating.

[ladydesigner]

I agree. There is a *huge* difference between "repeat offenders" who reoffend with alacrity, and those who under extreme circumstances find themselves doing it once, but find it difficult and stressful and are adamant they would not do it again. And, importantly, do the work to make sure.

 

I agree with this. The repeat offenders are the REAL ones's to worry about like my WH. Then it becomes more like an underlying personality disorder.

 

I do not believe that every WS will be a repeat offender.

[JustJoe]

I have a genuine question for those that had the happy ending. Is trust an issue in your relationships, and if it is, how do you deal with the potential problems it may present? If I were to start a relationship as an affair, I fear I would always be terrified that 1, 5, 10 years down the road when our relationship no longer has that new car smell or we run into typical marital problems, my former AP now spouse will revert to the old coping mechanisms that led them to look for solutions to their marital problems outside their previous marriage. How do you deal with those thoughts, and how corrosive are they to your new relationships?

Are there any trust issues between me and my wife (ex AP)?. No.

For two reasons. 1.We both know the reasons for the affair. 2.WE have already experienced a crapload of stressful issues which would have broken up a lesser relationship, so ours has stood the test of time.

[Lilya4Ever]

First I have to say sorry to all of you who were offended by the title of the thread. Of course affairs can't be happy they cause a lot of pain for everyone involved.

 

After my first initial thread here when all of this was new to me a lot of **** happened. I have thought I am strong and can deal with this all by myself but oh boy how foolish I was.

 

My coworker started flirting with me and later we got involved into emotional affair.We got from being best friends to being really close and sharing a lot of intimate stuff with each other and we proceeded to our first kiss. My husband found out and it turned into a complete mess. Since then we got back to being just friends.

 

At first he told me he doesn't have any romantic feelings towards me but then as time went by signs he showed made me believe he really did fall for me deeply. He would call me and we would talk for hours, the way he looked into my eyes he held my hand while we had walk in the park, when we sat on the bench he wanted to cuddle with me. We bonded emotionally and he confessed to me I got into his heart and he can't get me out of his head. He told me he wants to have me in his life 100% or nothing.

 

We bonded over similar story of our marriages, both of us were I guess weak personalities and were afraid to be alone so we ended up marrying our partners with hope that emotions towards our partners will grow but they haven't. This what we felt for each other, this strong feelings we didn't ever feel for our spouses.

 

This bonded us.

 

There is more to our story but to make things short. He wrote me a long email and told me he cares too much for me to continue to hurt me like this and he will exclude romantic emotions and he will write me as a friend who wants all the best for me. In this email he wrote to me that I have to get away from him and we need to go back being friends because this is not good for any of us and perhaps one day if we cross each other paths again and if he will be divorced by then we can start something all over again

 

He is planing to divorce in few years when his daughter gets older-well at least that is what he have said. But his daughter is still young and he doesn't want to be weekend dad or part time dad. From what he always used to tell me before we even started to mess around I have realized he is a really good dad and is very much involved into life of his child. He does a lot with his daughter, takes her places, goes out in the park with her to play with her. He told me how once when he started a conversation about divorce with the wife she went crazy and told him she will do everything to stop him from seeing the kid if he dares to leave.

 

He wanted shared custody and to have a child with him for half a month. She would never let him do this and he said he read statistics and mothers always have more rights then fathers.

 

Call me crazy but I believe his story and this is why I do not hate him or think that he lied to me. What I also realized from other stories here that MM always say how wife is terrible, doesn't want sex and etc...he never spoke bad about her, he said he doesn't hate her or wish bad for her, he said to me of course I care she is mother of my daughter but the love is not there,I love her as a best friend and that is all...

 

But now we are in NC he is away from office which is good. I started my story by saying I have thought I am strong but I realized I am not. Because it hurts to not hear from him or have our daily talks about everything. It hurts to not see him but I think there is no point in pursuing him...for what? To hurt more...

 

I asked the question about happy endings because I wanted to see is there a certain pattern that shows you when MM is truly honest and wants to divorce or he is just buying his time to enjoy the best from both worlds.

 

Conclusion is - stay away from affair but it's easier said then to be done.

[anika99]

Exactly. But you will get roasted for having that opinion here. Apparently when a BS stays with their husband it is fine but if I stay with my AP he will cheat (even tho he didn't lie or cheat on me). It is irritating.

 

I think it's the way the affair and the aftermath of the affair is handled that matters most. I think when the cheater leaves home without addressing any of their issues, when the WS and AP just dumps all of the blame on the BS, when there is no empathy or personal responsibility and when the WS moves right in with the AP that a happy ending is unlikely.

 

In your case it sounds as if things weren't rushed and counselling was involved so I think that greatly improves your outcome. On the other hand I would be wary of making blanket statements like the BW ruined or destroyed 30 yrs of your husbands life. Having spent years with an alcoholic myself and having witnessed alcohol and drug addictions in my family I can attest to the fact that alcoholics do have very dysfunctional relationships but I can also assure you that there is no innocents (besides the kids) in those relationships. Both partners are sick and both need help.

[goodyblue]

I think it's the way the affair and the aftermath of the affair is handled that matters most. I think when the cheater leaves home without addressing any of their issues, when the WS and AP just dumps all of the blame on the BS, when there is no empathy or personal responsibility and when the WS moves right in with the AP that a happy ending is unlikely.

 

In your case it sounds as if things weren't rushed and counselling was involved so I think that greatly improves your outcome. On the other hand I would be wary of making blanket statements like the BW ruined or destroyed 30 yrs of your husbands life. Having spent years with an alcoholic myself and having witnessed alcohol and drug addictions in my family I can attest to the fact that alcoholics do have very dysfunctional relationships but I can also assure you that there is no innocents (besides the kids) in those relationships. Both partners are sick and both need help.[/quote

 

Not sure I agree, but in any case,her refusal to address issues with therapy or help, or at all, played a role in the misery of their marriage. Of course he played a role. We acknowledge that. He also tried and tried to make things better, ultimately leaving. He is wonderful, she is the same as she always was. It's that simple.

[malvern99]

Exactly. But you will get roasted for having that opinion here. Apparently when a BS stays with their husband it is fine but if I stay with my AP he will cheat (even tho he didn't lie or cheat on me). It is irritating.

 

Ok, I'll bite. When a WS stays with a BS, there will inevitably be trust issues that will last for years. The BS will be hyper vigilant for some time to come, so fine is not the word I would describe that situation. That is why I asked about the trust issue for marriages that began as affairs. Even though he didn't lie to you or cheat on you, he did do those things to someone he must have loved at some point.

 

If I was in a 2 way affair that ended up in marriage, I would be concerned about the integrity of the marriage if both my new spouse and I did not do the work necessary to address why we cheated on our previous spouses. Here is my train of thought. I may be very much in love with my new spouse now, but surely there was a time in the past I felt the same way for my ex wife that I cheated on. So, what happened from that point of love to the point I decided having an affair would be a good idea. Why did I not end my old marriage with my integrity intact if I was so unhappy? If I can't identify what happened, what is to stop me from repeating the same pattern of behavior and finding myself in the exact same spot in x years where I decide cheating on my new spouse will be a good idea? The same concerns would apply to my new wife. Without the answers to our whys, can we ever truly be safe in our new marriage and blindly trust each other, or will there always be a little voice in our heads that reminds us that both of us are capable of cheating when the chips are down or for whatever reason? And if that voice exists, will it slowly eat away at the foundation of our new marriage?

 

Part of what informs my views on infidelity is the realization (on my end) that infidelity has absolutely nothing to do with the BS. I believe it is 100% the choice of the WS. I don't buy into the idea that one spouse's action or inaction pushes the other spouse into an affair. Some will disagree with this idea, and that is fine. I also believe past behavior (especially if unaddressed) is the best predictor of future behavior. Without mitigating circumstances, people only know what they know, and without building new coping mechanisms, the chance of them coping with a certain set of stressors the same way they did last time around is always a possibility. This is just my opinion though.

[Birdies]

If I was in a 2 way affair that ended up in marriage, I would be concerned about the integrity of the marriage if both my new spouse and I did not do the work necessary to address why we cheated on our previous spouses.

 

I think if you read through the responses here, you'll see that the people who ended up with their affair partner and now do trust their partner are very aware of this reality and have done said work : ) I don't think anybody who cheats on their spouse with another married person, falls deeply in love, and begins to spend a lifetime together, thinks that what they did was justified. I think we're all fairly horrified that we found ourselves in this position, and we are actively working to identify how that happened and to prevent ourselves from ever being in those circumstances again.

[goodyblue]

Ok, I'll bite. When a WS stays with a BS, there will inevitably be trust issues that will last for years. The BS will be hyper vigilant for some time to come, so fine is not the word I would describe that situation. That is why I asked about the trust issue for marriages that began as affairs. Even though he didn't lie to you or cheat on you, he did do those things to someone he must have loved at some point.

 

If I was in a 2 way affair that ended up in marriage, I would be concerned about the integrity of the marriage if both my new spouse and I did not do the work necessary to address why we cheated on our previous spouses. Here is my train of thought. I may be very much in love with my new spouse now, but surely there was a time in the past I felt the same way for my ex wife that I cheated on. So, what happened from that point of love to the point I decided having an affair would be a good idea. Why did I not end my old marriage with my integrity intact if I was so unhappy? If I can't identify what happened, what is to stop me from repeating the same pattern of behavior and finding myself in the exact same spot in x years where I decide cheating on my new spouse will be a good idea? The same concerns would apply to my new wife. Without the answers to our whys, can we ever truly be safe in our new marriage and blindly trust each other, or will there always be a little voice in our heads that reminds us that both of us are capable of cheating when the chips are down or for whatever reason? And if that voice exists, will it slowly eat away at the foundation of our new marriage?

 

Part of what informs my views on infidelity is the realization (on my end) that infidelity has absolutely nothing to do with the BS. I believe it is 100% the choice of the WS. I don't buy into the idea that one spouse's action or inaction pushes the other spouse into an affair. Some will disagree with this idea, and that is fine. I also believe past behavior (especially if unaddressed) is the best predictor of future behavior. Without mitigating circumstances, people only know what they know, and without building new coping mechanisms, the chance of them coping with a certain set of stressors the same way they did last time around is always a possibility. This is just my opinion though.

 

I can only answer these questions about my situation specifically, which I feel I have done over and over in this thread. It feels as though you are waiting for me to admit that somewhere, on some deep level I do worry. That is NOT the case. I have stated over and over the work we have done, the self reflection, the guilt we had to deal with et cetera. It seems as though this answer does not satisfy you, but I am satisfied with it. I know who my h is, how he came to the situation he found himself in, what he did that was not appropriate and the steps taken to learn better coping skills etc. We have done the work. We are great. We are also a better match.

 

And while I agree my h made that choice to cheat and that is on him, I will state again that his ex did terrible things that pushed him into circumstances where he felt trapped and miserable. She broke many vows before he broke the one and in my view a vow is a vow and is a betrayal. He takes responsibility for his betrayal, as do I. His ex takes no responsibility in the break down of th marriage at all and that will not serve her well in the future. She caused as much emotional damage and, regarding her daughter, possibly caused more as the things she did went on for decades.

 

We have done the work. We are golden. I put our relationship before all others. Friends come and go, children leave the nest and embark on their own lives, people grow older, retire, and ultimately the one I will face across the kitchen table is my awesome hubby and the one I face in the mirror is me. I am happy with both.

 

I don't think you caused your husband to cheat. Of course he made the decision. I do, however, feel that if you plan to stay married that you look at the relationship and your part in the breakdown of the marriage itself. If you feel there was nothing, I would run even faster away. It is a different scenario when there is a one off and the WS does the work to figure out why with the partner he chooses, or alone if he goes solo and if he stays with BS or AP they also do the work and repair their part in the problem, admit their issues and work on things to make a better partner. Maybe if my h's ex stopped drinking and doing the plethora of other things she did and worked with him, they would be still married but when we don't look inward we only hurt ourselves.

 

To this day she thinks she was a great partner and he ruined it. He does not feel that way at all. She won't even consider her part, not in the affair but the destruction of their marriage. She thinks the affair ruined her marriage and that I stole her husband. Of course he thinks she abandoned him sexually, physically and emotionally years before and he was done. She will never see this and address the issues.

 

If you stay with your WA, do I think it is hopeless? Not at all. I have hope for anyone who tries to repair a broken relationship and when both partners are committed to that, and loving and forgiving I feel it is possible. I believe in redemption. I believe I personal growth, I believe in happiness.

 

The last thing I will say which he and I have discussed at length over and over is that if he ever did cheat, that would make him a serial cheater. I'd be gone. But I don't worry about it, I don't even think about it. I know him.

Edited September 13, 2016 by goodyblue

[malvern99]

Hi goodyblue. I think we just got our wires crossed. I only quoted you because I wanted to respond to the sentence in bold. I did that in the first paragraph. The rest was just a general response to everyone who responded to my first question about trust. I was just laying out my opinion and my thought process behind that opinion on the issue. It wasn't directed at you or anyone in particular.

[cocorico]

 

If I can't identify what happened, what is to stop me from repeating the same pattern of behavior and finding myself in the exact same spot in x years where I decide cheating on my new spouse will be a good idea?

 

And if you *can* identify what happened, it doesn't apply, and you don't need a "small voice" causing worry.

 

Hence, for us, trust is not an issue.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I wonder why those reputedly terrible ex-wives are mentioned so often frankly.

 

Especially if everything in the garden is so rosey.....

 

I know someone who does this in conversation quite often when with her new husband..

Edited September 13, 2016 by Cloudcuckoo

[goodyblue]

I wonder why those reputedly terrible ex-wives are mentioned so often frankly.

 

Especially if everything in the garden is so rosey.....

 

I know someone who does this in conversation quite often when with her new husband..

 

Kind of a silly thing to say, considering we are on a forum to speak specifically about that topic along with other things.

 

My h's ex never comes up in everyday conversation. In fact, I can't remember the last time he mentioned anything about her.

 

Kinda funny how there is a thread over on the infidelity forum specifically talking about the worst thing the OW did to you. Started by you. Wow. How hypocritical. I am sorry, what was your question?

Edited September 13, 2016 by goodyblue

[Cloudcuckoo]

Kind of a silly thing to say, considering we are on a forum to speak specifically about that topic along with other things.

 

My h's ex never comes up in everyday conversation. In fact, I can't remember the last time he mentioned anything about her.

 

Kinda funny how there is a thread over on the infidelity forum specifically talking about the worst thing the OW did to you. Started by you. Wow. How hypocritical. I am sorry, what was your question?

 

Silly? Nothing silly about an observation. I said I know someone who mentions her husband's ex wife frequently, like she's a thorn in her otherwise wonderful life. I simply wonder why, when she got everything she worked so hard to gain. Happy ending? Go back through your own posts to see how many times your husbands ex wife is in them.

 

Perhaps your husband doesn't mention her much.

 

Fact is that the only person in that affair who didn't set out to delberately pull the wool over ones eyes was the wife or husband involved in that open marriage without their permission. Nothing hypocritical about that. That's FACT.

 

When it comes to the thread I opened, whats hypocritical about it? I stated the fact that the woman who helped my husband deceived me was so demented by the ending of her love affair that she travelled some fair distance to find our home, threaten my children, and poison our family pet. That's a fact too.

 

Yes yes, my husband was a complete wassack who brought her into our lives, etc., I know all that.

 

I didn't ask a question...

[Phoenician]

the only validation for an affair that could end with a happy ending is when one or both are in a very abusive relationship .

 

in such an affair it could succeed because the the existing state a marriage is ruined before the affair even started .

 

when an affair arise because the cheater just sees the grass greener on the other side of the river ;it is a self destruction as well a destruction to the life of many others arising from selfishness.

 

is your husband an abuser ?

 

or just a normal person who doesn't give you everything you want because you might be selfish ?

 

 

Wish you good luck , and your husband seems to be great guy ; trying again and again to keep you .

[goodyblue]

Silly? Nothing silly about an observation. I said I know someone who mentions her husband's ex wife frequently, like she's a thorn in her otherwise wonderful life. I simply wonder why, when she got everything she worked so hard to gain. Happy ending? Go back through your own posts to see how many times your husbands ex wife is in them.

 

Perhaps your husband doesn't mention her much.

 

Fact is that the only person in that affair who didn't set out to delberately pull the wool over ones eyes was the wife or husband involved in that open marriage without their permission. Nothing hypocritical about that. That's FACT.

 

When it comes to the thread I opened, whats hypocritical about it? I stated the fact that the woman who helped my husband deceived me was so demented by the ending of her love affair that she travelled some fair distance to find our home, threaten my children, and poison our family pet. That's a fact too.

 

Yes yes, my husband was a complete wassack who brought her into our lives, etc., I

 

Hm. We really didn't try to pull the wool over her eyes. She didn't and wouldn't have noticed anyway, as she checked out long ago. It was only later that she cared, when she realized he was serious and the marriage was over. That she would have to take care of herself.

 

You said you couldn't understand why the ex is mentioned so much when you sit here talking about the third party as well, and specifically ask for others' horror stories. Hypocritical.

 

My husband mentions her never. She ruined his home life long enough, not giving her power in his thoughts ever again, he says. We are in a good place, are happy and are optimistic about our future.

 

Maybe OW went wacky because of what your husband did to her. The lions share of the blame goes to him, but if you have forgiven him, don't spend your life checking his phone, computer, whereabouts, don't spend any time worrying, I am happy for you.

 

As for my posts and how many times the ex is in them, of course she is, this is the forum to discuss her. Just as the infidelity forum is where you discuss OW. You questioning that is hypocritical.

 

You took your husband back, I hope you are happy with him, truly. I am happy in my marriage. Have a good day.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Silly? Nothing silly about an observation. I said I know someone who mentions her husband's ex wife frequently, like she's a thorn in her otherwise wonderful life. I simply wonder why, when she got everything she worked so hard to gain. Happy ending? Go back through your own posts to see how many times your husbands ex wife is in them.

 

Perhaps your husband doesn't mention her much.

 

Fact is that the only person in that affair who didn't set out to delberately pull the wool over ones eyes was the wife or husband involved in that open marriage without their permission. Nothing hypocritical about that. That's FACT.

 

When it comes to the thread I opened, whats hypocritical about it? I stated the fact that the woman who helped my husband deceived me was so demented by the ending of her love affair that she travelled some fair distance to find our home, threaten my children, and poison our family pet. That's a fact too.

 

Yes yes, my husband was a complete wassack who brought her into our lives, etc., I

 

Hm. We really didn't try to pull the wool over her eyes. She didn't and wouldn't have noticed anyway, as she checked out long ago. It was only later that she cared, when she realized he was serious and the marriage was over. That she would have to take care of herself.

 

You said you couldn't understand why the ex is mentioned so much when you sit here talking about the third party as well, and specifically ask for others' horror stories. Hypocritical.

 

My husband mentions her never. She ruined his home life long enough, not giving her power in his thoughts ever again, he says. We are in a good place, are happy and are optimistic about our future.

 

Maybe OW went wacky because of what your husband did to her. The lions share of the blame goes to him, but if you have forgiven him, don't spend your life checking his phone, computer, whereabouts, don't spend any time worrying, I am happy for you.

 

As for my posts and how many times the ex is in them, of course she is, this is the forum to discuss her. Just as the infidelity forum is where you discuss OW. You questioning that is hypocritical.

 

You took your husband back, I hope you are happy with him, truly. I am happy in my marriage. Have a good day.

 

Oh well, just as well we're not all alike. Have a great day yourself.

[Midwestmissy]

I may be misunderstanding here, but it seems that when things are great in the affair, the BS is the crazy demon, and when the affair is over and the MM doesn't leave, the MM is the insane abusive party.

 

At the end of the day, both women are being abused (and reacting in kind) to abuse. My wh was just knocking boots, no love affair, but she still went off the rails a bit because, according to the emails and texts, wh "won", she lost her job. It implied that a lot of game playing was going on during the affair, under the guise of a overtime at work. In a loving relationship, there should never be a winner and loser. What a sad dynamic.