Affairs with happy endings - share your story

[BTDT2012]

I believe BTDT2012 meant that many OWs want to take the wife's place, not that an OW wants to be literally her, ie a woman who is being betrayed and lied to by her husband. Who would want that?

They however do want to be "the wife", live in the house, enjoy the trappings of marriage, be legit and be viewed as "his one and only" and a woman he is happy to be seen out with at any time.

Future faking works so well because many OWs do see themselves slotting very well into the wife's place, as the MM is usually seen by them as "quality" marriage material and the "perfect" husband if only he would get rid of his wife..

It is their dream, and why so many are completely devastated when he so often ultimately reveals when the chips are down, he already has a wife and he doesn't actually need another one.

 

You are so correct.

[jenkins95]

You humbled me with that brilliant post Anika. Another one that should be posted up on billboards everywhere.

 

I was having a down day, but this has perked me up and restored my faith in human nature a little bit.

 

Oh well, onwards and upwards..... Tomorrow is another day.... In the right direction!!

 

 

I hope someday you take your MM off that pedestal you have him perched on. He is a serial cheater you devastated you and his family for the sake of making himself happy yet you believe he loves more deeply than other people? I say his love is shallow and self serving.

 

As for his wife expecting him to work on himself and on the marriage, well I'd say that's a healthy stance for her to take. When you are in a relationship you don't let that person just selfishly walk all over you well saying 'oh well, I have to accept this person as they are'. Marriage is about give and take and sometimes we have to do things for the greater good of the marriage and the family even if it's not what makes us feel good in the moment. Furthermore people do need to be held to a certain standard and while it's fun to escape people's expectations and go hang around people who make us feel good about yourselves because they don't have any expectations or hold us to any standards we know that's not real and no way to go through life. You need to raise your standards and expect more from the people who say they love you.

[BTDT2012]

Love is blind and I think that some of us OW look past all that and really see what they love in the MM. I didn't want to be the OW but what I wanted was to be with him, just like so many other remarried couples are, because I very much loved him, even though I knew he wasn't perfect, that he had a temper and he was broken in many ways, which I was willing to accept because of so many of his other amazing qualities. He loved in a deeper way than what I had ever experienced. He would say to me that he loved how he wanted to be a better person when he was with me. That I made him desire to be a better person.

 

I wasn't looking to have her life. I have a good life as far as financial stability, good friends, great kids, etc. Mine was purely based on how much I loved him and how much I thought he loved me. He told me he loved me so much more than what he ever felt for his wife. At one point him and I did talk about how we would join our families and that I wanted to move to his city so that he wouldn't have to be far from his kids at any point in time. I wanted his kids and my kids to be a family together, like so many other second marriage families are. I would have done whatever I could to have made the transition for our kids as healthy as possible. We talked about how our finances would combine and child support, etc. We pretty much covered everything on how we would work at starting a life together, and we were very aware of how hard it was going to be but that our love was strong enough to endure.

 

He wanted to get out of his marriage but he couldn't figure out a way and even though when things ended between us, he did decide to stay with his wife, I have no doubt he is only doing it because he is afraid of not being with his kids every night. His wife thinks she is so much better than me and that he now needs to work at having another chance with her... I never would have made him work at being with me. What we had came naturally. It isn't work when you are in love and we were fully aware of the challenges in moving towards a second marriage together.

 

I no longer would want to be with him and I never plan on talking to him again because he did drop me the instant she found out, but looking back over the four years we were together, it was NEVER that I wanted to be his wife. It was 100% that I loved him for who he was, even in his brokenness. You can't expect people to change. You need to love them for who they are and if you can't accept that, then you really have no right staying with them.

 

He is staying with his wife because that's what he wants to do. And I certainly hope that if he doesn't do the work she moves on without him. Hold onto your resolve to never speak to him again.

[jll07]

I am the OW. I am the woman I vowed never to be. I am exactly what broke up my marriage. But I am her and I am in a good relationship. Is it perfect without trial and stress, no. Is it without guilt, no. Is it a healthy relationship that is built on a friendship and love that is strong enough to get through these harder times, I believe so.

We have known each other for almost 3 decades. As teenagers we dated. We grew up and both married very young for reasons that aren't always the right reasons. We didn't see or hear from each other for many years but found each other again. It was simply a friendship. So happy to have each other as friends again, catching up on the years that passed, talking about each others current lives. For about 3 years - we were friends. Did we think of each other in other ways- yes. But we tried our best to remain on the right path. My ex husband left me with a public proclamation of love for another woman. My teenage children and I were hurt. My friend, he was there to lift me up. To remind me that this isn't about me and I would get through it. Time continued on, with occasional discussions of meeting up. It never happened. Every few months we would talk and catch up and dream together. I dated, he was obviously jealous. He was "happy", I was quietly jealous.

We attended a mutual friends event. We knew we would see each other. We knew we would spend much time together. It was planned. It was welcomed. We thought we would return to life as usual. But our usual changed. It wasn't every month or so we talked. It was every day. We began to see each other more frequently. With long discussion of what we were doing. We tried to break it off. In those very moments, we realized the depth of our feelings. It took more time, more discussions about the affects on our worlds to come to a decision. He left his family. In his mind it was to make himself happier. It sounds selfish but he was making himself a priority for once. He told his wife one day, then two days later told his children. At that point he left for the night. While he was gone, it was discovered that I exist. His wife showed his children pictures of me, my life, my children. I deserve what I have received from them. And I take it.

He and I are madly in love. We do not live together but do spend much time together. We build our relationship on transparency. Is this easy - no. Is it hard to know that I have hurt others - yes. We are willing to do the necessary work to help the children heal. We are willing to support her financially in all ways possible. Do I feel guilty? yes. I feel guilty for hurting the children. I feel guilty for possibly hurting another woman. But he is happy. Happier than he has ever been. This is stated from people in his life that have no idea what is going on. This I am proud of.

I am aware that this isn't a normal affair. There was no back and forth and indecision on his part. He simply knew what he wanted and in order to keep that what he needed to do. Its not the perfect way to start a relationship, but its our story.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I am the OW. I am the woman I vowed never to be. I am exactly what broke up my marriage. But I am her and I am in a good relationship. Is it perfect without trial and stress, no. Is it without guilt, no. Is it a healthy relationship that is built on a friendship and love that is strong enough to get through these harder times, I believe so.

We have known each other for almost 3 decades. As teenagers we dated. We grew up and both married very young for reasons that aren't always the right reasons. We didn't see or hear from each other for many years but found each other again. It was simply a friendship. So happy to have each other as friends again, catching up on the years that passed, talking about each others current lives. For about 3 years - we were friends. Did we think of each other in other ways- yes. But we tried our best to remain on the right path. My ex husband left me with a public proclamation of love for another woman. My teenage children and I were hurt. My friend, he was there to lift me up. To remind me that this isn't about me and I would get through it. Time continued on, with occasional discussions of meeting up. It never happened. Every few months we would talk and catch up and dream together. I dated, he was obviously jealous. He was "happy", I was quietly jealous.

We attended a mutual friends event. We knew we would see each other. We knew we would spend much time together. It was planned. It was welcomed. We thought we would return to life as usual. But our usual changed. It wasn't every month or so we talked. It was every day. We began to see each other more frequently. With long discussion of what we were doing. We tried to break it off. In those very moments, we realized the depth of our feelings. It took more time, more discussions about the affects on our worlds to come to a decision. He left his family. In his mind it was to make himself happier. It sounds selfish but he was making himself a priority for once. He told his wife one day, then two days later told his children. At that point he left for the night. While he was gone, it was discovered that I exist. His wife showed his children pictures of me, my life, my children. I deserve what I have received from them. And I take it.

He and I are madly in love. We do not live together but do spend much time together. We build our relationship on transparency. Is this easy - no. Is it hard to know that I have hurt others - yes. We are willing to do the necessary work to help the children heal. We are willing to support her financially in all ways possible. Do I feel guilty? yes. I feel guilty for hurting the children. I feel guilty for possibly hurting another woman. But he is happy. Happier than he has ever been. This is stated from people in his life that have no idea what is going on. This I am proud of.

I am aware that this isn't a normal affair. There was no back and forth and indecision on his part. He simply knew what he wanted and in order to keep that what he needed to do. Its not the perfect way to start a relationship, but its our story.

 

Oddly, I have a sense that you genuinely mean what you say.

 

Be gentle, both of you, to the children involved, and generous to their Mother. From what you say she's done neither of you harm prior to discovery, and as you say, her distress afterward is justified.

 

I sincerely hope you can all find patience, kindness and above all the respect between you all as adults to ensure the children come through this enormous event in their lives with minimal scarring.

[amomwhoknows]

Last year, kind of out of the blue, one of our neighbors, who is in a very public profession, "retired." It was strange timing because her children were now in elementary school, but to each her own.

 

In the last two weeks, a book has come out. The author is her husband's ex-wife and in this book she dedicates a chapter to the end of her marriage, identifying my neighbor as the other woman. This happened about 9 years ago, but there was a real and valid reason to include my neighbor in the book as they worked together and she apparently covers how she managed to keep working with her. (My neighbor apparently got pregnant will he was still married.)

 

I believe the husband heard the book was coming out and my neighbor quit to try and quiet the local news/gossip. No one cares much, but I heard that she is crushed that her kids will now know -- when they are older they will have to be told. Additionally, she comes from a culture that really frowns upon adultery (of course, most do, but this one is very rigid) and her parents had no idea until she had to tell them earlier this year. She is in a great deal of pain from the disappointing her parents.

 

jill07, you feel guilty for possibility hurting another woman? WTH? You don't think you hurt her? When your husband did what he did -- you were hurt.

 

Do his kids hate you? What about him? How do you expect to help his children heal? Has the OW in your marriage helped your kids?

Edited September 15, 2016 by amomwhoknows

[jll07]

I only use the word possibly because I insist she is hurt. She on the other hand has acted and stated differently. This marriage was described as "happy enough". They loved each other enough to just keep going. But there was much resentment and disrespect on both parts. I am sure she was hurt but she hasn't come to terms with that yet.

As for me when my husband left, I felt a sense of relief. Without reliving the details of an 18 year abusive marriage, I will state that this was a good thing for me. My hurt was more from embarrassment.

I have met his son several times. We get along just fine. There have been conversations and interactions between the two of us. HIs daughter is a different story. She doesn't want to meet me. Recently their mom found out that the son has spent time with me and has put a stop to that.

With my ex, he immediately had a child with this woman. My ex has caused much hurt with my children due to his actions. I will admit that she does her best to look after my kids ( even though they are grown) and protect them.

I do understand my boyfriends exes position. And I respect it so my goal is to completely back off from the kids until everyone is ready for me.

[sophinla]

Back to the original question of OP, I've known two situations where the affair partners got together, well at least for a while.

 

First one is an MM with a head strong determined OW that knows exactly what she wanted and was not bothered by opinions or rules, she fought the wife and stood by MM while his original family dissolved. They went through counseling and got married, and had their happy ending. MM's daughter dropped out of college shortly after the divorce, the wife had a few incidences of drug overdose after the divorce.

 

Second one the MM left for a much richer woman, retired early and saved himself years of mortgage and honest hardwork. The OW is below his league and basically bought him out. His kids lost all respect for him and they haven't talk to their dad in years.

 

So I think some affairs work out, but it would take very determined laser focused minds that can block out everything else, or the AP would have to offer some kind of a step up for the one in the marriage.

Edited September 16, 2016 by sophinla

[goodyblue]

Back to the original question of OP, I've known two situations where the affair partners got together, well at least for a while.

 

First one is an MM with a head strong determined OW that knows exactly what she wanted and was not bothered by opinions or rules, she fought the wife and stood by MM while his original family dissolved. They went through counseling and got married, and had their happy ending. MM's daughter dropped out of college shortly after the divorce, the wife had a few incidences of drug overdose after the divorce.

 

Second one the MM left for a much richer woman, retired early and saved himself years of mortgage and honest hardwork. The OW is below his league and basically bought him out. His kids lost all respect for him and they haven't talk to their dad in years.

 

So I think some affairs work out, but it would take very determined laser focused minds that can block out everything else, or the AP would have to offer some kind of a step up for the one in the marriage.

 

My h was the one who gave up the most and had the most to offer,not the other way around.

[William]

Yup, one of our many moderated members from the infidelity areas brought me to this thread and, while reviewing their contribution and, whoa, not seeing anything topical, I took a look at a few other posts and viewed similar so I'll get things back on topic with this, the thread starters own words:

I would like you guys out here to share your stories and tell me what were the signs which made you sure that he/she will leave their spouse for you?

 

Of course, I'm not going to re-post the whole starting post because, being intelligent beings, I would expect respondents to actually read it before responding.

 

Now, since the topic starter hasn't been around for a few days, I could close this up; how things go after this directive will likely seal the deal on that. We prefer to leave discussions open if people can post to the topic. I know that's difficult in this forum but hey let's try anyway. Thanks so much and have a pleasant evening!

[cocorico]

 

So I think some affairs work out, but it would take very determined laser focused minds that can block out everything else, or the AP would have to offer some kind of a step up for the one in the marriage.

 

I think the "step up" (a.k.a. "Affairing up") I'd highly subjective, and deeply contextual. For a MP lacking intimacy in the M, an intimate connection with another might represent to them the only "step up" that matters. Alternatively, if what really matters to the MP is a good intellectual connection, they may be willing to leave money, glamour and comfort for that. It really does depend on a case-by-case basis, and what the MP values - and needs - most at the time.

 

While it might be very tempting for those of us who are now with our fMMs to consider ourselves a "step up" from the xBW, in reality it is more a case of a better fit than some objective "person A is better than person B" scenario.

[sophinla]

I don't know anyone's situation here, so I won't say anyone here is a "step up", but I do see some deterrmined minds here

Edited September 16, 2016 by sophinla