Affairs with happy endings - share your story

[goodyblue]

I may be misunderstanding here, but it seems that when things are great in the affair, the BS is the crazy demon, and when the affair is over and the MM doesn't leave, the MM is the insane abusive party.

 

At the end of the day, both women are being abused (and reacting in kind) to abuse. My wh was just knocking boots, no love affair, but she still went off the rails a bit because, according to the emails and texts, wh "won", she lost her job. It implied that a lot of game playing was going on during the affair, under the guise of a overtime at work. In a loving relationship, there should never be a winner and loser. What a sad dynamic.

 

What I notice is a lot of BS saying that the OW tried to steal their husband, that the OW is crazy when the A ends and the BS takes the poor, hoodwinked husband back who was naughty but is sorry now. I think it depends where you sit in the triangle

Edited September 14, 2016 by goodyblue

[Midwestmissy]

the only difference is that the BS was in the dark from the get go. The game was on before the BS knew. It puts a person in a very reactive defensive mode - there's been an invasion he/she didn't see. It's the biggest heartbreak I ever felt, it was viscerally painful. I don't think the mow tried to steal my husband - I think she wanted my lifestyle and some professional cache she was unable to get by her work alone - this had been her pattern - trying to climb - for 20 years. My wh was not hoodwinked - he thought he was hoodwinking her. But like attracted like in their situation.

 

Again, this was not a long term love affair. There wasn't a long emotional bond. When it ended, it was over. But mow clung on to "losing". She didn't realize Id kicked him out and he didn't tell her or ask her to his place. But was still her boss. It was a hot mess of lies. I don't think she wanted him per se, she just wanted the win, it seems. They were faking self esteem and power to each other, there wasn't anything real there. The affair couldn't support itself due to the phony posturing.

 

His job is to make amends. I don't think he was naughty or foolish - he was cruel and abusive. Who he becomes is what he makes of this mess. He lost the respect of our teens - that's huge. He was also in a role of authority (we are all roughly the same age) and should have weighed the risks legally, the returns on his investment so to speak - it's what he does for a living. She (according to her BH) is a serial cheater (BH was the om in her 1st marriage). It's up to wh to make restitution to me and our kids. I don't know many women who would want to keep a man who didn't want to be in the marriage 100%. He was always free to leave. Still is. This also was a first in our marriage. we'd never had infidelity prior to this - his behavior was so markedly different for those few months, he wasn't the same person. The mow didn't get an authentic guy at all, she got a big liar, whether she was aware or not. I have no pity for him at all.

[BTDT2012]

What I notice is a lot of BS saying that the OW tried to steal their husband, that the OW is crazy when the A ends and the BS takes the poor, hoodwinked husband back who was naughty but is sorry now. I think it depends where you sit in the triangle

The OW wanted to be me. My WH was not naughty or hoodwinked, he was a willing participant in evil. His job is to address the brokenness within himself, and make himself worthy of another chance.

[goodyblue]

The OW wanted to be me. My WH was not naughty or hoodwinked, he was a willing participant in evil. His job is to address the brokenness within himself, and make himself worthy of another chance.

 

Did she tell you that she wanted to be you?

[cocorico]

Did she tell you that she wanted to be you?

 

I certainly never wanted to be my H's xBW! Why would I? She was (perhaps still is) desperately unhappy. I'd be very surprised if any OW wants to be the cheated-on BW of a MM.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Since ,my emotional affair with a coworker started it was all new to me and also very scary. I never wanted to be OW or even be interested in MM. I judged affairs before and I never have thought something like emotional affair is also possible.

 

But this thread is not about my story it's about me being curious and wanting to learn from your stories. I have read a lot on the topic of affair.

 

I have checked different forums and realized in some cases married people truly do fall in love and find their true soulmate in someone else and then they get divorced and marry again and live normal happy lives.

 

I would like you guys out here to share your stories and tell me what were the signs which made you sure that he/she will leave their spouse for you?

 

Was it obvious immediately from the start your AP will leave? Did it take you time to even discuss this or first you just enjoyed your stolen moments together? Did your AP at the start say they will never leave their marriage because they are afraid of hurting everyone in the process and disappointing so many people in their lives?What did make them gain courage? What made them change their mind? How long did your affair last before ending happily?

 

I am curious do all affair end badly and the OW or OM is left broken.

 

I hope you will share your stories with me because it can also help me and prevent me to getting myself deeper into my EA.

 

Make sure you read the thread about the woman whose mm abandoned her and she just gave the baby away. That should help you from getting more involved.

[goodyblue]

I certainly never wanted to be my H's xBW! Why would I? She was (perhaps still is) desperately unhappy. I'd be very surprised if any OW wants to be the cheated-on BW of a MM.

 

Oh man, me neither. She is the LAST person I would want to be. And I don't know any OW who wanted to be BS either.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Oh man, me neither. She is the LAST person I would want to be. And I don't know any OW who wanted to be BS either.

 

Honestly, the only thing I want to be is not dumb enough to be in this situation EVER again. I do not want to be the BW/MM/OW/WS person who ran away with MM person who fell in love with MM, BW who sits at home waiting for MM, WS who feels like she is being torn in half and shattered across the floor then set on fire. I want NO part in anything to do with the word affair because you know what they are --literally HELL on earth of our OWN MAKING.

 

Ladies, if he loves you he will leave. if you love him and you are married you will leave but do NOT get involved until those docs are signed and those rings are off. And if you do all I have to say is "Welcome to LS".

[purplesorrow]

Oh man, me neither. She is the LAST person I would want to be. And I don't know any OW who wanted to be BS either.

 

I think it goes both ways. I would pick being the BW over being the ow.

[goodyblue]

Honestly, the only thing I want to be is not dumb enough to be in this situation EVER again. I do not want to be the BW/MM/OW/WS person who ran away with MM person who fell in love with MM, BW who sits at home waiting for MM, WS who feels like she is being torn in half and shattered across the floor then set on fire. I want NO part in anything to do with the word affair because you know what they are --literally HELL on earth of our OWN MAKING.

 

Ladies, if he loves you he will leave. if you love him and you are married you will leave but do NOT get involved until those docs are signed and those rings are off. And if you do all I have to say is "Welcome to LS".

 

I would never, ever do it again either. It's a tough gig for everyone involved.

[Aniela]

I've never heard of a positive outcome. The last two affairs I remember knowing about were between a cousin of mine, and an old flame, and the other one was between a friend and a new guy she met online - an emotional affair. As far as I know, that one never became physical, but she wanted it, and knew I didn't approve, so she might have gone ahead with it, and not told me.

 

My cousin stopped seeing the affair partner, and is still with his wife. How he got so lucky, I don't know. He didn't deserve that, in my opinion. Especially since he gave his wife a list of things she needed to do, in order to keep him around, and then told my mother that he might still go back to the mistress. As far as I know, he never did, but I've never looked at him the same way. So selfish.

 

My friend decided that her husband would be less concerned about an emotional affair than a physical one, and last I heard had decided to stay with her husband.

[Jersey born raised]

Ok, got advise on outside links. A question for OP and other WS on this thread: have you considered limerence ? Here are two links to seriously read and consider

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-young-and-the-restless/201109/limerence-when-is-it-more-heartbreak

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

 

Keep in mind until the OM or OW is out of your life with absolute NC you cannot be all in during reconciliation.

[DKT3]

You may end up with MM and happy (very doubtful) but with others involved, be it BS, children, parents and siblings there can never really be a "HAPPY" ending. One where everyone is content, but the damage can never be undone, especially for the kids.

[Midwestmissy]

I don't think she wanted to be me - she wanted my life. Living the life we had built. But she was being lied to about everything, so what she wanted didn't exist. She saw me as having an intact family and being married and having a cushy life with wh. I was a terrible wife who didn't appreciate him, so of course she could show him she was worthy. What about half of everything going to me? Arranging weekend visitations for 7 kids? Dealing with anger and alienation and judgement? It's not unicorn farts and choruses of woodland creatures.

 

She couldn't have my life once she blew it up - it wouldn't exist any more. Plus, wh made it sound a lot more luxurious than it was, which made her um, try even harder. So I don't believe she wanted to be me as much as she wanted what she thought my life was. A fantasy that they both propagated. She stopped playing about 6 mos after it ended. It was relationship with no legs, it couldn't last. If she wanted to know what is what like to be in my shoes, she just had to look at her husband at home alone with 4 kids to get an idea. Once people knew she existed, the bloom was off the rose and wh wanted to deny it ever happened. Once you shine sunlight in a garbage can, all the cockroaches scatter. It's an expression, I'm only calling wh a cockroach, not any ow here.

[goodyblue]

I don't think she wanted to be me - she wanted my life. Living the life we had built. But she was being lied to about everything, so what she wanted didn't exist. She saw me as having an intact family and being married and having a cushy life with wh. I was a terrible wife who didn't appreciate him, so of course she could show him she was worthy. What about half of everything going to me? Arranging weekend visitations for 7 kids? Dealing with anger and alienation and judgement? It's not unicorn farts and choruses of woodland creatures.

 

She couldn't have my life once she blew it up - it wouldn't exist any more. Plus, wh made it sound a lot more luxurious than it was, which made her um, try even harder. So I don't believe she wanted to be me as much as she wanted what she thought my life was. A fantasy that they both propagated. She stopped playing about 6 mos after it ended. It was relationship with no legs, it couldn't last. If she wanted to know what is what like to be in my shoes, she just had to look at her husband at home alone with 4 kids to get an idea. Once people knew she existed, the bloom was off the rose and wh wanted to deny it ever happened. Once you shine sunlight in a garbage can, all the cockroaches scatter. It's an expression, I'm only calling wh a cockroach, not any ow here.

 

Are you reconciled with your wh?

[Midwestmissy]

He's working his damndest to fix the damage he's done to the family. It's not a linear process for sure. Sometimes it feels right, sometimes I'm so humiliated I'd like to leave. But he's moving mountains for us, it's been 2 solid years of therapy and introspection and positive change on his end. He regrets it all. He fired the mow (it was a family business, one of them had to go, she's not related - his choice). He apologized to our friends and confessed to his family. He's accountable to all of them. We moved 1000 miles away from where the a happened almost immediately. That showed us that he was putting our wants & needs in front of his own for the first time in a long time. It also showed me that if I divorced him, he wanted me to live where I wanted, not where he had relocated us. He would never be that far from the kids. He made really big changes like that. There haven't been more lies or any slip ups. I think the whole thing brought on a lot of stress and anxiety - living authentically is actually more enjoyable. That's a long answer for a yes or no question, sorry about that.

[goodyblue]

He's working his damndest to fix the damage he's done to the family. It's not a linear process for sure. Sometimes it feels right, sometimes I'm so humiliated I'd like to leave. But he's moving mountains for us, it's been 2 solid years of therapy and introspection and positive change on his end. He regrets it all. He fired the mow (it was a family business, one of them had to go, she's not related - his choice). He apologized to our friends and confessed to his family. He's accountable to all of them. We moved 1000 miles away from where the a happened almost immediately. That showed us that he was putting our wants & needs in front of his own for the first time in a long time. It also showed me that if I divorced him, he wanted me to live where I wanted, not where he had relocated us. He would never be that far from the kids. He made really big changes like that. There haven't been more lies or any slip ups. I think the whole thing brought on a lot of stress and anxiety - living authentically is actually more enjoyable. That's a long answer for a yes or no question, sorry about that.

 

Lol. It was a great answer. I wish you both much luck. But I also believe people can make mistakes and redeem themselves, become better people. You sound like you are on the right track. ?

[muchlovetogive]

I'm not sure if there are sure signs he will leave. I could tell that he was truly not happy, and not just feeding me bull. After Dday he didn't drop me, but had internal conflict of what the right thing to do would be. He was happier with me (of course, because it was not real life), but felt guilty to leave his kids. In the end, he chose to try to work on his marriage, and after 6 months contacted me again as he was hopeless with her.

 

Not sure I would call this a happy ending, but he left and had been living at a relative's for 2 years. He hit some financial troubles, and not being able to keep up his family's lifestyle (aka paying for everything as if he were still living there), he has finally thrown in the towel and is now finally realizing he has to live his life too. Threw out the D word for real.

 

Now this makes it all really real for me. As single OW, I just enjoyed it as is, but now that things are gonna change, I'm not sure how I will handle it as I anticipate this will be a long, difficult road. I do love him, but the thoughts in the back of my mind of why I don't just find a nice single man start coming to the forefront now.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm not sure if there are sure signs he will leave. I could tell that he was truly not happy, and not just feeding me bull. After Dday he didn't drop me, but had internal conflict of what the right thing to do would be. He was happier with me (of course, because it was not real life), but felt guilty to leave his kids. In the end, he chose to try to work on his marriage, and after 6 months contacted me again as he was hopeless with her.

 

Not sure I would call this a happy ending, but he left and had been living at a relative's for 2 years. He hit some financial troubles, and not being able to keep up his family's lifestyle (aka paying for everything as if he were still living there), he has finally thrown in the towel and is now finally realizing he has to live his life too. Threw out the D word for real.

 

Now this makes it all really real for me. As single OW, I just enjoyed it as is, but now that things are gonna change, I'm not sure how I will handle it as I anticipate this will be a long, difficult road. I do love him, but the thoughts in the back of my mind of why I don't just find a nice single man start coming to the forefront now.

 

At first I thought, wow! this guy actually left, she doesn't seem very happy.

 

Then I read your posts.

 

I think you should be careful. I agree that you should find a nice single man. I generally don't judge here as I'm no hypocrite but I really do not like that he saw seeing someone else while he was doing NC. I just think it's a bad sign. JMHO

[muchlovetogive]

At first I thought, wow! this guy actually left, she doesn't seem very happy.

 

Then I read your posts.

 

I think you should be careful. I agree that you should find a nice single man. I generally don't judge here as I'm no hypocrite but I really do not like that he saw seeing someone else while he was doing NC. I just think it's a bad sign. JMHO

 

Thanks. I've always wanted to really talk about it with him, but whenever I did, he said at that point, we had stopped talking and texting every day, so it's not like he cheated on me ? I'm not sure if that is a plausible answer or how to counter that argument. I just know I still have some unsettled feelings about it.

[JustJoe]

OP, you are getting a very, very, narrow set of viewpoints. Just as there are many reasons people marry, there are many reasons they have affairs, and also many different outcomes. Most of the posters are talking here about close, insular marriages and the damage an affair does to the individuals involved. MY wife's case is very different. She married for money, and her husband married to have a beautiful wife to boost his political career. Our affair was initially sexual, because their sex life stank, and her husband would buy her compliance. Both of them had poor morals. My wife changed and so we were able to put her sham of a marriage behind us.

The point I'm trying to make is that many, many people are able to put affairs behind them too, and go on to better lives, just as many people are able to put bad marriages behind them. One size does not fit all.

[goodyblue]

Thanks. I've always wanted to really talk about it with him, but whenever I did, he said at that point, we had stopped talking and texting every day, so it's not like he cheated on me ? I'm not sure if that is a plausible answer or how to counter that argument. I just know I still have some unsettled feelings about it.

 

Just remember this: Him leaving his wife does NOT mean that you have to follow a plan just because you talked about it at some point. You only have one life and if it is not something you are sure about you don't have to make a move. Don't let anyone push you out guilt you in a way you are not comfortable with. Remember, this guy put you in the fire while he took his sweet time making a decision and you can too. The dating someone else thing would bug too.take your time, you have that right. Take care of you. That must happen too. If you decide to give it a try, great. If not, there is no shame in that. Hang in there.

[elaine567]

Oh man, me neither. She is the LAST person I would want to be. And I don't know any OW who wanted to be BS either.

I believe BTDT2012 meant that many OWs want to take the wife's place, not that an OW wants to be literally her, ie a woman who is being betrayed and lied to by her husband. Who would want that?

They however do want to be "the wife", live in the house, enjoy the trappings of marriage, be legit and be viewed as "his one and only" and a woman he is happy to be seen out with at any time.

Future faking works so well because many OWs do see themselves slotting very well into the wife's place, as the MM is usually seen by them as "quality" marriage material and the "perfect" husband if only he would get rid of his wife..

It is their dream, and why so many are completely devastated when he so often ultimately reveals when the chips are down, he already has a wife and he doesn't actually need another one.

[Ahurtgirl]

I believe BTDT2012 meant that many OWs want to take the wife's place, not that an OW wants to be literally her, ie a woman who is being betrayed and lied to by her husband. Who would want that?

They however do want to be "the wife", live in the house, enjoy the trappings of marriage, be legit and be viewed as "his one and only" and a woman he is happy to be seen out with at any time.

Future faking works so well because many OWs do see themselves slotting very well into the wife's place, as the MM is usually seen by them as "quality" marriage material and the "perfect" husband if only he would get rid of his wife..

It is their dream, and why so many are completely devastated when he so often ultimately reveals when the chips are down, he already has a wife and he doesn't actually need another one.

 

Love is blind and I think that some of us OW look past all that and really see what they love in the MM. I didn't want to be the OW but what I wanted was to be with him, just like so many other remarried couples are, because I very much loved him, even though I knew he wasn't perfect, that he had a temper and he was broken in many ways, which I was willing to accept because of so many of his other amazing qualities. He loved in a deeper way than what I had ever experienced. He would say to me that he loved how he wanted to be a better person when he was with me. That I made him desire to be a better person.

 

I wasn't looking to have her life. I have a good life as far as financial stability, good friends, great kids, etc. Mine was purely based on how much I loved him and how much I thought he loved me. He told me he loved me so much more than what he ever felt for his wife. At one point him and I did talk about how we would join our families and that I wanted to move to his city so that he wouldn't have to be far from his kids at any point in time. I wanted his kids and my kids to be a family together, like so many other second marriage families are. I would have done whatever I could to have made the transition for our kids as healthy as possible. We talked about how our finances would combine and child support, etc. We pretty much covered everything on how we would work at starting a life together, and we were very aware of how hard it was going to be but that our love was strong enough to endure.

 

He wanted to get out of his marriage but he couldn't figure out a way and even though when things ended between us, he did decide to stay with his wife, I have no doubt he is only doing it because he is afraid of not being with his kids every night. His wife thinks she is so much better than me and that he now needs to work at having another chance with her... I never would have made him work at being with me. What we had came naturally. It isn't work when you are in love and we were fully aware of the challenges in moving towards a second marriage together.

 

I no longer would want to be with him and I never plan on talking to him again because he did drop me the instant she found out, but looking back over the four years we were together, it was NEVER that I wanted to be his wife. It was 100% that I loved him for who he was, even in his brokenness. You can't expect people to change. You need to love them for who they are and if you can't accept that, then you really have no right staying with them.

[anika99]

Love is blind and I think that some of us OW look past all that and really see what they love in the MM. I didn't want to be the OW but what I wanted was to be with him, just like so many other remarried couples are, because I very much loved him, even though I knew he wasn't perfect, that he had a temper and he was broken in many ways, which I was willing to accept because of so many of his other amazing qualities. He loved in a deeper way than what I had ever experienced. He would say to me that he loved how he wanted to be a better person when he was with me. That I made him desire to be a better person.

 

I wasn't looking to have her life. I have a good life as far as financial stability, good friends, great kids, etc. Mine was purely based on how much I loved him and how much I thought he loved me. He told me he loved me so much more than what he ever felt for his wife. At one point him and I did talk about how we would join our families and that I wanted to move to his city so that he wouldn't have to be far from his kids at any point in time. I wanted his kids and my kids to be a family together, like so many other second marriage families are. I would have done whatever I could to have made the transition for our kids as healthy as possible. We talked about how our finances would combine and child support, etc. We pretty much covered everything on how we would work at starting a life together, and we were very aware of how hard it was going to be but that our love was strong enough to endure.

 

He wanted to get out of his marriage but he couldn't figure out a way and even though when things ended between us, he did decide to stay with his wife, I have no doubt he is only doing it because he is afraid of not being with his kids every night. His wife thinks she is so much better than me and that he now needs to work at having another chance with her... I never would have made him work at being with me. What we had came naturally. It isn't work when you are in love and we were fully aware of the challenges in moving towards a second marriage together.

 

I no longer would want to be with him and I never plan on talking to him again because he did drop me the instant she found out, but looking back over the four years we were together, it was NEVER that I wanted to be his wife. It was 100% that I loved him for who he was, even in his brokenness. You can't expect people to change. You need to love them for who they are and if you can't accept that, then you really have no right staying with them.

 

I hope someday you take your MM off that pedestal you have him perched on. He is a serial cheater you devastated you and his family for the sake of making himself happy yet you believe he loves more deeply than other people? I say his love is shallow and self serving.

 

As for his wife expecting him to work on himself and on the marriage, well I'd say that's a healthy stance for her to take. When you are in a relationship you don't let that person just selfishly walk all over you well saying 'oh well, I have to accept this person as they are'. Marriage is about give and take and sometimes we have to do things for the greater good of the marriage and the family even if it's not what makes us feel good in the moment. Furthermore people do need to be held to a certain standard and while it's fun to escape people's expectations and go hang around people who make us feel good about yourselves because they don't have any expectations or hold us to any standards we know that's not real and no way to go through life. You need to raise your standards and expect more from the people who say they love you.