Author vanhalenfan Posted September 10, 2016 Author Share Posted September 10, 2016 (edited) YEARS AND YEARS? How much more is there to look at???? It always blows my mind how (a) they've lied to us and cheated, yet (b) we're supposed to believe their explanations and interpretations of what they did. The problem and shock of it is that THEY don't get it. I guarantee that he really believes you should not question his honor or truthfulness and is indignant that you question his veracity. He's used to being believed just because he puts on a show of sincerity. It should be really clear to you now and the logic simple: a) He lied and cheated. b) He's done nothing to redeem himself or regain your trust and has no reason to expect it of you. You need to be clear about this. You've done nothing wrong and owe him nothing in this situation and should convey in body and word that a show isn't enough and he has no right to expect or demand your trust. The reason I said years and years is because they were friends for a long time. She comes back every few years to sniff around on Facebook. He has said he always enjoyed the friendship but it really ended when it ended. He was just at a weak moment last year and she tried to proposition him, etc. Now he says it'll be cut off forever (the friendship) because it's always the same with her..."We belong together"...etc. I know he's done nothing to redeem himself, which is why I am wondering if I can continue this at all. I'm so uncomfortable right now. I'm at a place where I want to believe the explanations and interpretations but I know that's just plain dumb. Edited September 11, 2016 by vanhalenfan Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 Oh yeah, and he said I shouldn't be surprised at what I found. He said I knew he was unhappy and things we're not looking good at that point. He was extremely depressed at the time, like I said, practically suicidal. But he was unhappy with me too. He was at his lowest. Hope you see through this pretty transparent piece of attempted manipulation. His cheating was your fault because you should have known? Whatever. I'm assuming you both contributed to the marital ills. Not sure why, in his eyes, that makes you solely responsible for fixing the problem. And how that gives him permission to cross boundaries. Such is the entitled mindset of some partners ... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 Hope you see through this pretty transparent piece of attempted manipulation. His cheating was your fault because you should have known? Whatever. I'm assuming you both contributed to the marital ills. Not sure why, in his eyes, that makes you solely responsible for fixing the problem. And how that gives him permission to cross boundaries. Such is the entitled mindset of some partners ... Mr. Lucky That is the same part that started screaming out at me Mr. Lucky! OP what he said is not a good sign Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 I'm sorry I'm a little confused do you guys have kids or not? Link to post Share on other sites
Author vanhalenfan Posted September 11, 2016 Author Share Posted September 11, 2016 I'm sorry I'm a little confused do you guys have kids or not? We have a 22-month old daughter together and I have 2 kids from a previous marriage (their father abandoned them 3.5 years ago, so they call my fiance their father.) Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 It sounds like you have a tough road ahead of you. I would think that you and him need to have a Frank discussion to get a couple things out in the open... for example it's a common perception among guys that some women have children in order to trap a man. He could be going through that right now. Also it's not fair to him to have your other kids call him their father. That's gotta put a lot of pressure on the relationship. And then you got to address your fear that if his coping mechanism when he's under stress at home is to talk to other women that won't make for a good marriage. I guess really I'm only suggesting you do these things or have these conversations if you plan on working it out with him. Either way I wanted things that I think would help you a lot would be a journal. Do you have one? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 Normally I'd agree with this, but it sounds as though the only reason he didn't leave was the OW didn't think he was relationship material. He'd clearly chosen, just didn't get a chance to act on the choice. Don't think I could recover from that. Hard to build a life with someone who doesn't want to be with you ... Mr. Lucky I agree with this OP. If you do plan to marry this guy just know you were not his first choice. It would behoove you to get a job. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 12, 2016 Share Posted September 12, 2016 We have a 22-month old daughter together and I have 2 kids from a previous marriage (their father abandoned them 3.5 years ago, so they call my fiance their father.) In reality, here's the deal he's offering you: "You must meet my needs including those that are unreasonable and/or poorly communicated. If you don't, I can unilaterally suspend or abandon my commitment to our relationship - except I won't tell you I'm doing so. And if found out, I'll blame you retroactively for not being prescient enough to anticipate both my unhappiness and selfish reaction". Can't wait to sign up, right :confused: ??? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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