Hurts to be in contact, hurts when there is NC

[privategal]

You could always take back the upper hand by being the one to block?

I don't know, I spent a few years playing the humiliating friend dance too.

He cut off our A then kept in contact daily.

So it was tough because I couldn't handle letting go, So

I allowed him to keep writing and calling but we would talk about generic things like food, weather, news, sports...so each DAY he was in effect continually rejecting me as now I was just his pal and because I never walked away or pushed things and was sweet, friendly and supportive, he never had to feel like a big JERK and why not keep me around still for ego strokes.

Every time I picked up the phone or replied to his messages I bet in hindsight he was thinking, See! She still wants me.

Eventually he ended up ghosting and the friendship was thrown away too.

I think they use you to get over you.

It's toxic and he will end it someday for good so you might as well do that for him and get out of this now on your own.

[winterkeep]

It is just not the MM who places "blame" onto the other side. I can not count how many times an OW/OM have laid the same "blame" under the guise of "hooked". It really is the other side of the same coin. So if we are to hold him to task for this faulty logic, we should in turn hold the other party for the same faulty logic.

.

 

This is all true but I don't get the feeling that Stars is trying to avoid responsibility, my comment was about the fact that he seems very quick to place his portion of the blame solely on her. Even then he is disingenuous as he speaks of her leading him into temptation whilst taking active steps to seek out affairs with other, other women. My point was less about attributing blame and more about seeing this mans motivation which appears to be keeping stars in her place while maintaining just enough contact to ensure she's still there.

 

Stars, of course you have the right to grieve sweetie. Regardless of the circumstances of your relationship you became emotionally invested and will not recover unless you go through this stage first.

 

You have the power to make this better by cutting contact with him now, you know exactly what he is offering you. Please, please please believe me you WILL get over this and you will be happy again. PM me if you want to chat

[MidnightBlue1980]

Lol they do?!

 

Yes. I looked it up and there have been studies. Men who cannot perform feel inadequate and have relationship issues and think a new partner will "fix" their problem.

 

xMM could not easily get or maintain an erection and then came in seconds. His W had cut him off years ago. He blamed her.

[starswewillnavigate]

Yes. I looked it up and there have been studies. Men who cannot perform feel inadequate and have relationship issues and think a new partner will "fix" their problem.

 

xMM could not easily get or maintain an erection and then came in seconds. His W had cut him off years ago. He blamed her.

 

Oh boy, that's exactly what happened when we had intercourse for the first time at our last encounter. I felt massively embarrassed because I thought it was me (with him unable to maintain his erection). He msg me as soon as he got home saying he hoped it wasn't an anticlimax. :/

[starswewillnavigate]

You could always take back the upper hand by being the one to block?

I don't know, I spent a few years playing the humiliating friend dance too.

He cut off our A then kept in contact daily.

So it was tough because I couldn't handle letting go, So

I allowed him to keep writing and calling but we would talk about generic things like food, weather, news, sports...so each DAY he was in effect continually rejecting me as now I was just his pal and because I never walked away or pushed things and was sweet, friendly and supportive, he never had to feel like a big JERK and why not keep me around still for ego strokes.

Every time I picked up the phone or replied to his messages I bet in hindsight he was thinking, See! She still wants me.

Eventually he ended up ghosting and the friendship was thrown away too.

I think they use you to get over you.

It's toxic and he will end it someday for good so you might as well do that for him and get out of this now on your own.

 

Yep, we're at the stage we talk about the weather, work or his sporting activities. I know that he's not giving anything personal as we used to talk about our children a lot and he no longer talks about them or changes the subject.

 

As he's looking for a new AP, I get the feeling he will keep me around until he has a new girl to stroke his ego and then I'll get ghosted.

 

I can't stand his now insipid messages... I'm going to try and be strong this weekend and block him. Just so angry at myself for even getting in this mess.

[imperfectangel]

Yes. I looked it up and there have been studies. Men who cannot perform feel inadequate and have relationship issues and think a new partner will "fix" their problem.

 

xMM could not easily get or maintain an erection and then came in seconds. His W had cut him off years ago. He blamed her.

 

My mm could get a erection but finished in seconds though I think he must've been aware as he made sure I was "taken care of". It made me feel bad for his wife, that is the only experience of sex she has had. They both probably think it's normal.

 

I actually looked up how to help him but it all needs communication, something he clearly isn't great at

[privategal]

Yep, we're at the stage we talk about the weather, work or his sporting activities. I know that he's not giving anything personal as we used to talk about our children a lot and he no longer talks about them or changes the subject.

 

As he's looking for a new AP, I get the feeling he will keep me around until he has a new girl to stroke his ego and then I'll get ghosted.

 

I can't stand his now insipid messages... I'm going to try and be strong this weekend and block him. Just so angry at myself for even getting in this mess.

 

Those "friendly" messages actually hurt a lot because a friend who really cares knows your heart is hurting and that they should just leave you alone.

Flipping the switch like that I found to be so cruel and many times I wished he would just pull the plug for good, we both had enough friends, and the true kind.

I got so sick of missing him and feeling confused, I'd analyze every message looking for "I still love you" hiding in between his words.

It just kept me stuck longer, he eventually coldly cut me off.

It's been over 5 months and I'm only now starting to feel ok, acceptance is getting closer, aiming for full indifference.

If he got ahold of me today I really feel I could ignore completely.

Either way I will never reach out to him again. It's 16 years of friendship ruined forever over getting involved romantically.

Hopefully all of us getting out of affairs can come out stronger.

Highly encourage all to go cold turkey and just go through the pain of the void and daily contact.

It does get better.

I felt suicidal at first and sought a doctor's care to get on antidepressants.

I kept praying, let the tears fall in buckets, kept strict NC, allowed myself to greive, and I'm finally seeing some progress.

You can too if you can block him op.

I believe you can and you just have to trust in yourself and put your health and wellbeing first and soon he will start to become a memory.

It seems impossible at first but it starts to give you pride that you are no longer in contact.

The stinging stops, most of the tears dry, anger does happen often but you just keep going.

Ending it is so worth it.

[Grey Cloud]

My mm could get a erection but finished in seconds though I think he must've been aware as he made sure I was "taken care of". It made me feel bad for his wife, that is the only experience of sex she has had. They both probably think it's normal.

 

I actually looked up how to help him but it all needs communication, something he clearly isn't great at

 

Lol, pretty much the same scenario here! He would always focus on me first because he knew he would be a quick finisher once it started. I thought for our insane physical chemistry it would be different - he would be more experimental, different positions etc. but nope, the 3 times we did kind of followed the same formula and the same amount of time. I then realised it probably had nothing to do with me and being super excited - he would be following the same pattern with his wife at home. Maybe after several years of marriage she finds that normal?? Or maybe she knows all she has to do is lie there for a minute or so before it's over

[Grey Cloud]

Those "friendly" messages actually hurt a lot because a friend who really cares knows your heart is hurting and that they should just leave you alone.

Flipping the switch like that I found to be so cruel and many times I wished he would just pull the plug for good, we both had enough friends, and the true kind.

I got so sick of missing him and feeling confused, I'd analyze every message looking for "I still love you" hiding in between his words.

It just kept me stuck longer, he eventually coldly cut me off.

It's been over 5 months and I'm only now starting to feel ok, acceptance is getting closer, aiming for full indifference.

If he got ahold of me today I really feel I could ignore completely.

Either way I will never reach out to him again. It's 16 years of friendship ruined forever over getting involved romantically.

Hopefully all of us getting out of affairs can come out stronger.

Highly encourage all to go cold turkey and just go through the pain of the void and daily contact.

It does get better.

I felt suicidal at first and sought a doctor's care to get on antidepressants.

I kept praying, let the tears fall in buckets, kept strict NC, allowed myself to greive, and I'm finally seeing some progress.

You can too if you can block him op.

I believe you can and you just have to trust in yourself and put your health and wellbeing first and soon he will start to become a memory.

It seems impossible at first but it starts to give you pride that you are no longer in contact.

The stinging stops, most of the tears dry, anger does happen often but you just keep going.

Ending it is so worth it.

 

I agree. When it gets to the "friend" stage and all you are doing is having polite conversations about the weather, work and sport it's actually crushing. There always used to be so much banter in our conversations and we couldn't get enough of talking/emailing each other. In the end a lot of his conversations were quite short and he was always apologising for being "busy". That's when I knew I had travelled down way below in his pecking order because he always used to have heaps of time for me and was always SO happy to hear from me.

 

So is it worth remaining "friends"?. I thought initially yes. After everything we had been through, I thought it would be nice to end on good terms. But he is not a true friend. He wasn't that interested in my life and what I was up to once he was no longer in it. He really didn't care anymore. He always had a nickname for me the whole time during the affair and to see him then respond to my emails with "hello grey cloud" - like I was a business associate - it just made me feel so sad and made me question WHY I couldn't let go and why I was clinging on to something, anything that didn't even make me happy. It's funny how some people that we were so close to at one stage can become strangers.

 

Private gal- I am glad that time is proving to be the best answer.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Those "friendly" messages actually hurt a lot because a friend who really cares knows your heart is hurting and that they should just leave you alone.

Flipping the switch like that I found to be so cruel and many times I wished he would just pull the plug for good, we both had enough friends, and the true kind.

I got so sick of missing him and feeling confused, I'd analyze every message looking for "I still love you" hiding in between his words.

It just kept me stuck longer, he eventually coldly cut me off.

It's been over 5 months and I'm only now starting to feel ok, acceptance is getting closer, aiming for full indifference.

If he got ahold of me today I really feel I could ignore completely.

Either way I will never reach out to him again. It's 16 years of friendship ruined forever over getting involved romantically.

Hopefully all of us getting out of affairs can come out stronger.

Highly encourage all to go cold turkey and just go through the pain of the void and daily contact.

It does get better.

I felt suicidal at first and sought a doctor's care to get on antidepressants.

I kept praying, let the tears fall in buckets, kept strict NC, allowed myself to greive, and I'm finally seeing some progress.

You can too if you can block him op.

I believe you can and you just have to trust in yourself and put your health and wellbeing first and soon he will start to become a memory.

It seems impossible at first but it starts to give you pride that you are no longer in contact.

The stinging stops, most of the tears dry, anger does happen often but you just keep going.

Ending it is so worth it.

 

It is worth it and I completely relate to the "friendly" messages. If I let him, he would email me all day till the work day was over and then I'd get a "Have a great night!!! Don't work too hard (wink wink)" because I worked at home. He never got tired of it. Or he would mention something about his plans for the weekend and even his wife, he'd use her name if he was being good, otherwise he would say "she". If he was feeling like he was falling off the "good" zone, he'd send a text each weekend night to "check in". Otherwise I would not hear from him till Monday morning.

 

I cut it off completely for a variety of reasons. Like you said, it hurt a lot and was so confusing. I was also trying to fix things at home and this was definitely not the way to do it. Then, I was wasting huge amounts of time emailing him and staring at my phone waiting for a response. I was not getting anything done and I was keeping him occupied during his own work day. When we were friends on this exercise app, fitbit, I'd be watching his movements. I knew when he was awake or asleep, moving around, etc. It was all seriously insane.

 

I just stopped responding and he did test the waters once a week but it's been two weeks now since I've heard from him. NC is better than the horrific abusive friendship which served his needs, not mine.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I agree. When it gets to the "friend" stage and all you are doing is having polite conversations about the weather, work and sport it's actually crushing. There always used to be so much banter in our conversations and we couldn't get enough of talking/emailing each other. In the end a lot of his conversations were quite short and he was always apologising for being "busy". That's when I knew I had travelled down way below in his pecking order because he always used to have heaps of time for me and was always SO happy to hear from me.

 

So is it worth remaining "friends"?. I thought initially yes. After everything we had been through, I thought it would be nice to end on good terms. But he is not a true friend. He wasn't that interested in my life and what I was up to once he was no longer in it. He really didn't care anymore. He always had a nickname for me the whole time during the affair and to see him then respond to my emails with "hello grey cloud" - like I was a business associate - it just made me feel so sad and made me question WHY I couldn't let go and why I was clinging on to something, anything that didn't even make me happy. It's funny how some people that we were so close to at one stage can become strangers.

 

Private gal- I am glad that time is proving to be the best answer.

 

I could have written this, word for word. Especially the calling me by my formal given name like a business associate. I relate to everything you wrote. If it gives you any comfort, it wasn't just you.

[Grey Cloud]

I could have written this, word for word. Especially the calling me by my formal given name like a business associate. I relate to everything you wrote. If it gives you any comfort, it wasn't just you.

 

Thanks Midnight. It really blows me away all the similarities in our stories and how much pain we experience because of it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thanks Midnight. It really blows me away all the similarities in our stories and how much pain we experience because of it.

 

My hope is that because we are dealing with our emotions we will come out the other side, much wiser.

I was going to say, and these guys spend their lives miserable, but you know, who cares what they think or feel.

[Grey Cloud]

My hope is that because we are dealing with our emotions we will come out the other side, much wiser.

I was going to say, and these guys spend their lives miserable, but you know, who cares what they think or feel.

 

I really do think they lack a self awareness. So even if they are miserable they keep telling themselves their life is great.

 

I had to laugh because when my xmm and I were still talking he admitted he hated his new job. We were originally co-workers and he had an awesome job -before he left - but complained about everything. The stuff that used to get under his skin was unbelievable. His new job is insane long hours, he no longer has a big team to support him and has to do all this operational stuff he hates. It would also be putting pressure on his marriage with the hours and after hours meetings he has to attend. His wife is a SAHM and relies on him for company and his old job he used to be home by 4pm each day! His life really has turned to ****. They keep searching for the magic bullet (including affairs) for their self esteem whilst doing no work on themselves.

 

But like you said, who cares how they think and feel anymore!

[starswewillnavigate]

The "friendly" msgs are really hurting me too. I actually read back the past weeks msgs since we actually had sex for the first time and realise that although he has been cool, I never gave him any validation either. it just feels so empty now.

 

Midnight - I'm so glad you mentioned the performance problems. I really took his unable to maintain an erection personally and then when he finished so quickly it was like ???!!!

 

I've deleted the dating app so I can't see if/when he's online. The masochistic side of me can't block him yet on chat. Tomorrow will be the day he will be back at work and will usually chat.

 

Winterkeep- I can't pm but I would love to chat x

[privategal]

I agree. When it gets to the "friend" stage and all you are doing is having polite conversations about the weather, work and sport it's actually crushing. There always used to be so much banter in our conversations and we couldn't get enough of talking/emailing each other. In the end a lot of his conversations were quite short and he was always apologising for being "busy". That's when I knew I had travelled down way below in his pecking order because he always used to have heaps of time for me and was always SO happy to hear from me.

 

So is it worth remaining "friends"?. I thought initially yes. After everything we had been through, I thought it would be nice to end on good terms. But he is not a true friend. He wasn't that interested in my life and what I was up to once he was no longer in it. He really didn't care anymore. He always had a nickname for me the whole time during the affair and to see him then respond to my emails with "hello grey cloud" - like I was a business associate - it just made me feel so sad and made me question WHY I couldn't let go and why I was clinging on to something, anything that didn't even make me happy. It's funny how some people that we were so close to at one stage can become strangers.

 

Private gal- I am glad that time is proving to be the best answer.

 

I remember the shock of once things changed and I felt the same...I'd sit on my couch with my coffee where I'd have a day to work at home here and there, and he would be like good morning, have a nice day. I read it as good morning, your novelty has worn off and I don't really want to be bothered, I'm busy working.

But before he actually couldn't even wait to get to work. He would call me on the drive in abd also email Me hundreds of times throughout the day so excited to connect. He took interest in every single little detail of my day and my thoughts, he was sooooooo plugged in.

He was able to flip it so fast into this business like friendship and also took away the nickname and used my first name and eliminated the calls before and after work.

It just hurt and was humiliating. Your never prepared for such a switch and I think in hindsight I'd have been more grateful if he would have given me a call and said directly it was over and given me closure and NC because that platonic friendship was an ongoing rejection and an ongoing painful reminder that everything was genuine on my end but for him it was like April fools. Like never mind, just kidding, thanks for your time but I gotta go back to reality now. Something like that. The friendship was a total shock to my system once it ended I wish I'd cold cut him out.

[privategal]

It is worth it and I completely relate to the "friendly" messages. If I let him, he would email me all day till the work day was over and then I'd get a "Have a great night!!! Don't work too hard (wink wink)" because I worked at home. He never got tired of it. Or he would mention something about his plans for the weekend and even his wife, he'd use her name if he was being good, otherwise he would say "she". If he was feeling like he was falling off the "good" zone, he'd send a text each weekend night to "check in". Otherwise I would not hear from him till Monday morning.

 

I cut it off completely for a variety of reasons. Like you said, it hurt a lot and was so confusing. I was also trying to fix things at home and this was definitely not the way to do it. Then, I was wasting huge amounts of time emailing him and staring at my phone waiting for a response. I was not getting anything done and I was keeping him occupied during his own work day. When we were friends on this exercise app, fitbit, I'd be watching his movements. I knew when he was awake or asleep, moving around, etc. It was all seriously insane.

 

I just stopped responding and he did test the waters once a week but it's been two weeks now since I've heard from him. NC is better than the horrific abusive friendship which served his needs, not mine.

 

Omg MB. Swear we dated the same MM. His messages would start at 7am and stop at 4. It was like I was his 9 to 5 wife. And at the end of the day I had so little accomplished of my own time because I was a slave to my phone and catered to his every email....Johnny on the spot. I still.think of him at 7am and 4pm when he'd be leaving work and usually calling.

 

When he stopped calling cause now we were just business like friends he would say "have a great night " and it would mean to me...."thanks for your services of entertaining Me all day"....then I'd get my true work done and regret spending my whole day wasted.

[Adoraxx]

Yes, those lame emails or texts whereas before he couldn't wait to hear my voice. Now I would just get a 'hello how are you?' email once every few weeks / months , it totally felt like he was only sending me an email out of politeness (better said: to keep me quiet and 'satisfied' which I was not of course) and not because he really wanted to know. I also told him many times (yes, I know, embarrassing!) that he should just TELL me that he doesn't want contact instead of dragging it on by acting like I'm a nuisance

[jenkins95]

Yes, those lame emails or texts whereas before he couldn't wait to hear my voice. Now I would just get a 'hello how are you?' email once every few weeks / months , it totally felt like he was only sending me an email out of politeness (better said: to keep me quiet and 'satisfied' which I was not of course) and not because he really wanted to know. I also told him many times (yes, I know, embarrassing!) that he should just TELL me that he doesn't want contact instead of dragging it on by acting like I'm a nuisance

 

Such a sad thread guys. I'm proud of you all. This thread is another great advert for NC

[starswewillnavigate]

Well NC didn't happen and we've been chatting this week. He was being particularly playful on Wednesday and we ended up arranging to meet again yesterday. I wonder in part to prove he could have sex without performance problems (which was more successful this time sort of) as he did mention he hoped he could last longer.

 

Stupidly made myself vulnerable and said I hoped we could carry on like this and his reply was "we'll see". I don't know why I opened my mouth - I feel like a child unable to ask for what I want. Now I'm back in this spiral of waiting for him to contact me and onslaught of perfunctory holding messages.

 

When I'm with him or waiting to see him, it feels amazing but why am I putting myself through this? It's not as if I want anything "more" other than just to have the small snippets of time we do have together.

[imperfectangel]

You need to decide, as I did are you happy to be the OW? Some women are. I must admit for a time (when I split with my sons dad) I was kind of happy to be the ow. I didn't have to deal with his mundane *****, just the fun. I lasted about a week being happy with that or I'd go back and fourth. But being the ow was never a role I was designed to have.

 

There comes a point where you either have to put up or shut up. If you're happy being the ow carry on if that's what you really want but if you want more you can't kid yourself forever

 

My mm was the same with contact - he'd spend all day contacting me, he does it when his w goes away too, emails me all the time, the stop. Just like that. Like his fingers broke. Put back in my box and locked away til the next time. It erodes your self confidence and self worth. It's soul destroying and isn't something I'm prepared to carry on.

 

I also never wanted to have the conversation with him over it, I can't even imagine having to ask someone to give me attention.

[starswewillnavigate]

You need to decide, as I did are you happy to be the OW? Some women are. I must admit for a time (when I split with my sons dad) I was kind of happy to be the ow. I didn't have to deal with his mundane *****, just the fun. I lasted about a week being happy with that or I'd go back and fourth. But being the ow was never a role I was designed to have.

 

There comes a point where you either have to put up or shut up. If you're happy being the ow carry on if that's what you really want but if you want more you can't kid yourself forever

 

My mm was the same with contact - he'd spend all day contacting me, he does it when his w goes away too, emails me all the time, the stop. Just like that. Like his fingers broke. Put back in my box and locked away til the next time. It erodes your self confidence and self worth. It's soul destroying and isn't something I'm prepared to carry on.

 

I also never wanted to have the conversation with him over it, I can't even imagine having to ask someone to give me attention.

 

I have been the ow before, albeit unwittingly, as I found out my partner who I lived was married when I was a few week pregnant. That I wasn't happy with obviously and walked away although it has taken me a few years to want to be with someone again physically c

 

In this situation... If I'm honest in theory I'm happy to be the ow at the moment. I knew his situation when we met, there's nothing he's hidden from me in that respect. I'm a single mum and it suits me having something separate that's mine. I don't want to rock the boat with his situation at home. The only thing "more" I want from him is to not feel bad for asking these questions or asking to see him. But I agree, it's so humiliating being in that position. It's gone from "you can have me anytime you want" to "we'll see". I feel like a child who has no say in any of this at all, just when the mood takes him.

 

Everytime we have had a sexual encounter he pulls back from me with contact. It's going to end with one day we'll meet and then he won't be in touch again after. Maybe that day will be today (still waiting for him to contact today after last night like an idiot), in a month, in a year. I hate that lack of control. I know I can take that control back and cut him off but like being that child again "I want, I want, I want."

[imperfectangel]

I must admit last time I saw mm he text me later that night which was extremely unusual. But since then not much. Or one line emails. Ugh. Nothing will change with him. He shows little interest in my life. I don't want to ask him about his as everything include her.

 

You just have to decide what you're willing to put up with. It destroyed me. I'm a single mum too so I get that part. But I felt when he went cold on me it affected everything, every aspect of my life including parenting.

 

It just isn't worth it anymore. The bad outweighs the good

[starswewillnavigate]

He did msg me last night after and said speak to me tomorrow. He also said after the "we'll see" comment that he will always chat. I don't know, cold light of day and with mm being fickle, who knows what he will decide.

 

I just hate the uncertainty, never being to enjoy things fully. I enjoy it there and then but today I'm in tears wondering if it's rejection day, wishing I hadn't said anything. It is affecting so much, for the little time that we actually spend together. But in a way it's keeping me going at the moment.