LaurenP15 Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 (edited) Hi - I'm having a lot of difficulty expressing my feelings and concerns to my husband. I feel like we need to go to Marriage counseling before our relationship gets worse, but he has no idea why I want to go. Should I try individual counseling first or should we dive into marriage counseling together (where then everything might come out; including my resentment towards his siblings). Long story short...I recently figured out why i'm so unhappy. There are a lot of things that bothers me, but this is my main issue. His older sister (single mom) moved back home about 4 years ago, and since then my husband has been a father figure to her son. He has done EVERYTHING a responsible father would do. I resent her for moving back because I feel like he is experiencing all this, when what I really want is for us to go through being 1st time parents together. I know this sounds really selfish, but I cant shake the feeling.... I want to be ok with this, but it's very hard... Edited September 9, 2016 by LaurenP15 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Both. Individual counseling will help you figure out your resentments and how to communicate better with your husband and MC will help both of you deal with the combined issues within your marriage and the addition of the sister's family. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 I don't think you're selfish at all. It's ok to want what you want. I'd recommend IC and MC. I don't think that this problem is insoluble, but you need a little help to begin solving it. Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 OP, since you've identified some unhappiness/jealousy of your own regarding your H's parental relationship with his nephew and further feel you have communication issues and/or inhibitions in your marriage, I'd suggest tasking an IC to get some tools to resolve those and then communicate that resolution to your H, listen, and then take things from there. It could be your IC tools are all that's needed. Generally, in IC, the specific person in IC is the client. In MC, the marriage is the client. The therapy processes are markedly different. For example, you could task and process aspects in IC that could be quite detrimental to a marriage, even if greatly beneficial to yourself. Some practitioners recommend concurrent IC and MC. If you want to try that, get referrals to both, as you'll need separate therapists/psychologists. Unless all therapy is free to you, yep, twice the price too. My experience is with MC with a clinical psychologist and I found that process to be very beneficial. Concurrent therapies probably would have overwhelmed me. Your experience may differ. Lastly, interview a few therapists before settling on a choice. If a fit isn't right, ask for a referral. Therapists are used to this and want people to have a good therapy fit. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 LaurenP15, What you are feeling is normal, and I would not worry too much. IC should help. I do want you to at least look at the situation from this point of view. Your husband is being a good uncle, and yes many things are the same as a father, but it is not. When you have your own, you will see the difference. Remember the child here is the innocent in all this, and just wants time with his uncle. The fact that your husband has stepped in, shows that he is a good and decent man. You know, you can take the Aunt role more on and see if this helps you. Remember, life can be uncertain, and your child may need others to help them grow up as well. I wish you luck.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Sounds like you need both...how does your nephew affect being a first time parent? That doesn't even make sense, sounds like your jealous of the time they're spending together bc you're not involved...that doesn't sound very normal to me. It's good that you realize it though & are willing to get help but be careful bc if my brother heard something like that from his wife about my son, he'd probably be really upset with her. I'd be upset if my H felt that way about my niece too. In my family kids come first, would you want someone jealous of your kid hanging out with their Uncle if something happened to your H? Look from the outside in, how would you feel if your child's aunt was looking at your kid like that in the same situation?...none of us ever know what the future holds. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenP15 Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 OP, since you've identified some unhappiness/jealousy of your own regarding your H's parental relationship with his nephew and further feel you have communication issues and/or inhibitions in your marriage, I'd suggest tasking an IC to get some tools to resolve those and then communicate that resolution to your H, listen, and then take things from there. It could be your IC tools are all that's needed. Generally, in IC, the specific person in IC is the client. In MC, the marriage is the client. The therapy processes are markedly different. For example, you could task and process aspects in IC that could be quite detrimental to a marriage, even if greatly beneficial to yourself. Some practitioners recommend concurrent IC and MC. If you want to try that, get referrals to both, as you'll need separate therapists/psychologists. Unless all therapy is free to you, yep, twice the price too. My experience is with MC with a clinical psychologist and I found that process to be very beneficial. Concurrent therapies probably would have overwhelmed me. Your experience may differ. Lastly, interview a few therapists before settling on a choice. If a fit isn't right, ask for a referral. Therapists are used to this and want people to have a good therapy fit. Thank you! Yes, I was thinking maybe see an IC first and hopefully they can help me realize why I feel the way I feel and give me some tools and resources to help with my communication. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenP15 Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 LaurenP15, What you are feeling is normal, and I would not worry too much. IC should help. I do want you to at least look at the situation from this point of view. Your husband is being a good uncle, and yes many things are the same as a father, but it is not. When you have your own, you will see the difference. Remember the child here is the innocent in all this, and just wants time with his uncle. The fact that your husband has stepped in, shows that he is a good and decent man. You know, you can take the Aunt role more on and see if this helps you. Remember, life can be uncertain, and your child may need others to help them grow up as well. I wish you luck.... Thank you! I totally agree! It just sucks that we won't be able to experience these things together for the first time when we have our own. But I agree, I guess seeing him as a father figure reassures me that he will be a great dad to ours (when we have our own) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 My last advice applies to both IC and MC.... You're the boss. You direct the therapy's goals and do the work. The therapist is the toolbox and professional guide. If you want to focus on something, for example working on the jealousy thing regarding your H and nephew, communicate that to the therapist. Task them. They can't read your mind. Don't worry about embarrassing or offending them. They've seen and heard everything. They're professionals. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenP15 Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 Sounds like you need both...how does your nephew affect being a first time parent? That doesn't even make sense, sounds like your jealous of the time they're spending together bc you're not involved...that doesn't sound very normal to me. It's good that you realize it though & are willing to get help but be careful bc if my brother heard something like that from his wife about my son, he'd probably be really upset with her. I'd be upset if my H felt that way about my niece too. In my family kids come first, would you want someone jealous of your kid hanging out with their Uncle if something happened to your H? Look from the outside in, how would you feel if your child's aunt was looking at your kid like that in the same situation?...none of us ever know what the future holds. I think you're right...I might be a little jealous, but not because he's spending time with his nephew. I'm jealous of all the first's he is experiencing with him (It would have been nice to experience those first's with our own). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Carhill is very wise 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenP15 Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 Carhill is very wise Yes, I agree! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Yes, I agree! Yeah, and a super wise psychologist and I had some epic arguments while my exW sat back and wondered why the heck she married me Oh, that made me remember one more thing. Therapy can be exhausting and it can be painful. It's definitely not easy. One thing I greatly respected our psychologist for was, no matter how hard the work and how many tears shed or harsh words uttered, he always managed to bring us to a positive close in each session where we departed feeling we had accomplished something and were generally positive about each other and the process. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 I don't think you're selfish at all. It's ok to want what you want. Satu, I rarely disagree with your well-grounded advice but, in this case, what she wants is unreasonable and harmful to others. This young man, part of her family, needs a male figure in his life, a role her H has compassionately stepped into. The old expression that "love doesn't divide, it multiplies" surely applies here. OP, look at it as great practice for your spouse. Win, win ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 I think it's so awesome that your husband has this role in his nephew's life and you should take it as a sign that he will be a great father to his own children. The things he does for and with his nephew does not take anything away from your future children. If anything both you and your husband are gaining great experience for when you do have children of your own. As Mr.Lucky said, when it comes to children, love multiplies, it's not divided. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 10, 2016 Share Posted September 10, 2016 (edited) I too think it's awesome that your husband has taken this role and I think you should try to be supportive - for the sake of the child. There are some times in life when you just need to rise above your own needs/selfish wishes to do the right thing, and I think this is one of them. That said, you have a right to your feelings. IC will help you to deal with the resentment you are feeling and I think you may find that very helpful. MC will help you to work on your communication - such that you will be able to express your feelings, understand how the other is feeling, and work through the issue together to find a mutually agreeable resolution. For example, maybe he can be a part of the child's life, but maybe you just need to establish some boundaries that you both find acceptable. Good luck to you. Edited September 10, 2016 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
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