Losing friends during times of hardship

[sooshi]

Big hugs to you, truthtripper. <3

[Offspring]

When people offer support, I feel cared for, so it's more my needing that than wanting people to wait on me hand and foot.

 

I know, it's the social support and comradary you are craving. Being housebound can be very isolating. I came to the conclusion afterwards that services are there to help with injury-related support. I also used online shopping to get my groceries.

 

I had a few slipped discs in my back, which was very painful to begin with. At the time, i remember thinking that some of my actions (eg, using the broom as a crutch) would be funny to look back on. I can see a few things that were comedic about what i did (15 mins to get up off the couch, when i later found out i shouldn't have been laying on it at all), and that dropping my mobile phone on the floor was a major exercise in retrieval! The amount of back pain ads on tv seemed to increase just as i had hurt my back too!

 

Has your recovery been making progress?

 

Have you thought about getting an Occ Therapist over to help with some aides etc? I was personally at the stage where i was just happy to be able to walk without hobbling over in pain after three steps!

[sooshi]

OP, have you looked into/are you willing to have volunteers to come over and provide you with support, companionship, etc.? I'm sure there are organizations in your area that will provide you with this type of support.

[Toodaloo]

I feel let down and disappointed as I have known them for many years and expected them to have more compassion.

 

Perfectly natural reaction.

 

How can friends become so selfish and heartless? It seems that our friendships are only valuable to them when I am healthy and able to go out but not when I am sick.

 

Because people are in essence selfish. Turn it on its head and some would say that you are being selfish for wanting their attention and holding them back because you can't go out and do all the things you used to enjoy with them.

 

Has anyone experienced similar reactions from friends during times of hardship?

 

Happens all the time. Lost my so called two best friends (at the time) when I was due to have my legs chopped off. their reactions prevented me from calling any other friends for help so I was pretty much on my own.

 

Lost friends when I lost my home.

 

Lost friends when I lost work...

 

True friends are few and far between... there are not many people out there who are true friends to anyone. Most people have a gang they hang out with or a group for this or a group for that...

 

Its the way of the world I am afraid.

 

Thing is it doesn't have to be this way. If you see yourself as a victim of this terrible condition then yeah it will destroy your life. Instead how about setting up a support group for others like you so that you can all discuss these problems and help each other through them. How about organising outings and information exchange with that group...

 

Empower yourself to change and adapt to your situation. Its what I did...

[truthtripper]

Big hugs to you, truthtripper. <3

Thanks Sooshie <3

[truthtripper]

I know, it's the social support and comradary you are craving. Being housebound can be very isolating. I came to the conclusion afterwards that services are there to help with injury-related support. I also used online shopping to get my groceries.

 

I had a few slipped discs in my back, which was very painful to begin with. At the time, i remember thinking that some of my actions (eg, using the broom as a crutch) would be funny to look back on. I can see a few things that were comedic about what i did (15 mins to get up off the couch, when i later found out i shouldn't have been laying on it at all), and that dropping my mobile phone on the floor was a major exercise in retrieval! The amount of back pain ads on tv seemed to increase just as i had hurt my back too!

 

Has your recovery been making progress?

 

Have you thought about getting an Occ Therapist over to help with some aides etc? I was personally at the stage where i was just happy to be able to walk without hobbling over in pain after three steps!

I've heard slipped discs are very painful. I hope it doesn't recur for you. My cousin has had five operations on his slipped discs. Luckily I haven't had that, weak connective tissue can cause it.

 

I'm not able to see the humour in my situation yet . Hopefull in the future I can look back and have a laugh, as you can.

 

Yes an OT has come over and shown me some aids. They are just too expensive for my budget, otherwise I would definitely have bought the wheeled walker. I'm really hoping my health improves so I never have to rely on aids.

 

Can't wait for the day when I can dance with broom instead.

Edited September 30, 2016 by truthtripper

[truthtripper]

OP, have you looked into/are you willing to have volunteers to come over and provide you with support, companionship, etc.? I'm sure there are organizations in your area that will provide you with this type of support.

There are lots of support organisations for sick children and the elderly. It becomes more difficult to find companionship support for middle-aged people, unless they are terminally ill or completely dependant. It seems we are expected to have partners and children who can help us.

 

Perhaps I can contact the local church. I'm not a church member though.

[pureinheart]

I have been suffering from a debilitating chronic physical illness(muscular and connective tissue disorder)for the past 6 months. During this time my friends gradually began to distance themselves from me. Now I never hear from them.

 

I feel let down and disappointed as I have known them for many years and expected them to have more compassion.

 

How can friends become so selfish and heartless? It seems that our friendships are only valuable to them when I am healthy and able to go out but not when I am sick.

 

It's a horrible time to discover that these people were not really my friends to begin with.

 

Has anyone experienced similar reactions from friends during times of hardship?

 

((((((((hugs)))))))) TT... my ex-husband. It's mostly the reason he is an ex.

 

You know, I have to wonder if more people are fake these days. When I was growing up I didn't have to deal with fake as much as I see today- games and manipulations too.

 

Hey, you continue keeping it real and hopefully some real people who have your best interests at heart will come into your life. People fear what they don't understand.

[truthtripper]

Perfectly natural reaction.

Because people are in essence selfish. Turn it on its head and some would say that you are being selfish for wanting their attention and holding them back because you can't go out and do all the things you used to enjoy with them.

 

Happens all the time. Lost my so called two best friends (at the time) when I was due to have my legs chopped off. their reactions prevented me from calling any other friends for help so I was pretty much on my own.

 

Lost friends when I lost my home.

 

Lost friends when I lost work...

 

True friends are few and far between... there are not many people out there who are true friends to anyone. Most people have a gang they hang out with or a group for this or a group for that...

 

Its the way of the world I am afraid.

 

Thing is it doesn't have to be this way. If you see yourself as a victim of this terrible condition then yeah it will destroy your life. Instead how about setting up a support group for others like you so that you can all discuss these problems and help each other through them. How about organising outings and information exchange with that group...

 

Empower yourself to change and adapt to your situation. Its what I did...

I'm sorry you have suffered so much loss, including your two legs . How did you lose them? My uncle lost his legs to a diabetes-related blood disease.

 

It's fantastic you started a support group. I guess, to maintain our sanity, being in such a predicament gives us no other choice but to be proactive.

 

I have PTSD(sexual abuse) which has been exacerbated by my physical condition and vice versa. When I can get this vicious cycle under better control, I would love to start a group. One step at a time.

 

I think most people keep away to avoid being vicariously traumatised, but it's subconscious, a protective mechanism, as I mentioned before. Therapists have to do specific training to protect themselves from becoming traumatised by their clients' traumas. There is such a phenomenon as empathy burnout. It seems we are not psychologically hard-wired to readily cope well with tragedy/trauma/grief. Instead, our primal protective instincts come into play and we act accordingly, usually by fleeing(fight/flight response). It takes conscious effort to face pain, it requires the work of the higher brain, which is a relatively recent development in human evolution.

[truthtripper]

((((((((hugs)))))))) TT... my ex-husband. It's mostly the reason he is an ex.

 

You know, I have to wonder if more people are fake these days. When I was growing up I didn't have to deal with fake as much as I see today- games and manipulations too.

 

Hey, you continue keeping it real and hopefully some real people who have your best interests at heart will come into your life. People fear what they don't understand.

Hi pureinheart, I don't know, I feel people have always been fake ie-it's much easier to be in denial about painful truths than it is to face them. We put on a happy smile as if nothing is wrong, when a lot is wrong. I see it in my own family, which has been ridden with lies for generations. I reckon it's just in our nature to run from pain.

 

Hugs and ongoing strength to you <3

[Fair]

People are selfish. When you need them they will scatter... or if you don't have anything to offer THEM they will scatter and/or never come near you in the first place.... yes, this has happened to most people so don't take it personally... the last thing you need to do right now is beat yourself up over other people's selfishness.

[truthtripper]

People are selfish. When you need them they will scatter... or if you don't have anything to offer THEM they will scatter and/or never come near you in the first place.... yes, this has happened to most people so don't take it personally... the last thing you need to do right now is beat yourself up over other people's selfishness.

 

Thanks Fair, naturally we begin to wonder if we have said or done something wrong that's keeping people away, so it's important to remember not to bash ourselves up-good point.

[Springsummer]

 

I'm looking forward to when I have the strength to go out again so I can meet new people and hopefully makes some new friends.

 

 

wow, you are forgiving and hopeful.

 

If I experienced the same thing as you do, I probably will never want to meet people and make friends again.

 

Why do you still want to make friends?

 

I guess I am very critical and cynical...if people do me wrong, I don't want to see them again anyway.

Edited October 6, 2016 by Springsummer

[planning4later]

Just a little message to OP...

 

Nobody wanted to be around Jesus, either. You'll be taught (incorrectly) in church that he was this man who everyone loved and he was a natural leader who drew people in. But this isn't the case. Aside from a few select people, most were embrarrased to associate with him. He wasn't wealthy, he was a "man of sorrows", and he talked about issues that made people uneasy. Even the religious people of the day thought that he was "cursed".

 

The reason I bring this up is because Jesus said we will be judged by how we treat people in your situation--those who are down and out.

[Toodaloo]

I'm sorry you have suffered so much loss, including your two legs . How did you lose them? My uncle lost his legs to a diabetes-related blood disease.

 

It's fantastic you started a support group. I guess, to maintain our sanity, being in such a predicament gives us no other choice but to be proactive.

 

I didn't in the end! The operation was canceled due to the time of year as the hospital was expecting a load of drunks to have to deal with so they wrapped me up in tar to stop gangrene and left me for a couple of months. During that couple of months I healed so when I went in to have them off all they did was remove a load of flesh that had grown proud and tidied me up a bit so I could put on shoes and trousers etc. The rest was a long haul to learn to walk again and on from there. I spoke to others in my position and teamed up with an old woman who had a very similar first name who has almost exactly the same injury happen to her. Helped that we were both very proactive and "get up and go" sorts of people.

 

I have PTSD(sexual abuse) which has been exacerbated by my physical condition and vice versa. When I can get this vicious cycle under better control, I would love to start a group. One step at a time.

 

What is the point in a support group when you are better when you need the support and friendship now? Do you not think that there are others out there who just want to hear a friendly voice on the end of the phone? Do you not think that others like you are struggling to get off the merry go round? Perhaps you could all exchange ideas etc.

[truthtripper]

wow, you are forgiving and hopeful.

 

If I experienced the same thing as you do, I probably will never want to meet people and make friends again.

 

Why do you still want to make friends?

 

I guess I am very critical and cynical...if people do me wrong, I don't want to see them again anyway.

Yeh, I know what you mean. I do have that feeling. But I'll be a lot more discerning now.

[truthtripper]

Just a little message to OP...

 

Nobody wanted to be around Jesus, either. You'll be taught (incorrectly) in church that he was this man who everyone loved and he was a natural leader who drew people in. But this isn't the case. Aside from a few select people, most were embrarrased to associate with him. He wasn't wealthy, he was a "man of sorrows", and he talked about issues that made people uneasy. Even the religious people of the day thought that he was "cursed".

 

The reason I bring this up is because Jesus said we will be judged by how we treat people in your situation--those who are down and out.

I didn't know that about Jesus, that's interesting, but it makes sense. Most

people are afraid of the truth. I've heard that Jesus suffered everything that any human could suffer, making Jesus the greatest empathiser in Christianity.

[truthtripper]

I didn't in the end! The operation was canceled due to the time of year as the hospital was expecting a load of drunks to have to deal with so they wrapped me up in tar to stop gangrene and left me for a couple of months. During that couple of months I healed so when I went in to have them off all they did was remove a load of flesh that had grown proud and tidied me up a bit so I could put on shoes and trousers etc. The rest was a long haul to learn to walk again and on from there. I spoke to others in my position and teamed up with an old woman who had a very similar first name who has almost exactly the same injury happen to her. Helped that we were both very proactive and "get up and go" sorts of people.

 

What is the point in a support group when you are better when you need the support and friendship now? Do you not think that there are others out there who just want to hear a friendly voice on the end of the phone? Do you not think that others like you are struggling to get off the merry go round? Perhaps you could all exchange ideas etc.

You're so lucky your legs were preserved. What caused the gangrene? That's interesting tar stops gangrene. It sounds like an old-fashioned remedy, but they are sometimes better than modern treatments aren't they?

[Springsummer]

I didn't in the end! The operation was canceled due to the time of year as the hospital was expecting a load of drunks to have to deal with so they wrapped me up in tar to stop gangrene and left me for a couple of months. During that couple of months I healed so when I went in to have them off all they did was remove a load of flesh that had grown proud and tidied me up a bit so I could put on shoes and trousers etc. The rest was a long haul to learn to walk again and on from there. I spoke to others in my position and teamed up with an old woman who had a very similar first name who has almost exactly the same injury happen to her. Helped that we were both very proactive and "get up and go" sorts of people.

.

 

WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!

 

gosh, how can they decided to get rid of your legs in the first place? if it can be healed?!

 

They should never consider to get rid of your legs if there is a chance that it can heal.

 

gosh, won't you say it's grossly incompetent on the part of doctors? Proof you can't completely trust medical professionals.

 

You are lucky that bad thing turn out to be a great thing for you.

[Springsummer]

Yeh, I know what you mean. I do have that feeling. But I'll be a lot more discerning now.

 

Guess I am a very idealistic and absolute person. when people are not what I expected I just withdraw.

 

Now, I know I have to change...

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Reading about your pain brought back memories of my slipped disc and extreme sciatica I had for like 5-6 months.

 

Taking my morning **** amidst a pain pill - induced pseudo-coma that could only barely dull the pain is probably the most painful, yet hilarious thoughts in my life.

 

Hovering above a toilet because it brought tears to my eyes to sit down fully was definitely a pain I hope no one ever experiences, and I'm so thankful to the 2 chiropractors who helped ease my pain after ER docs keep telling me there was nothing wrong!

 

As for your friends who disappeared?

 

"Be wary of friends-they will betray you more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy. They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend, because he has something to prove. In fact, you have more to fear from friends than from enemies. If you have no enemies, find a way to make them."

 

I hope your pain eases.

[truthtripper]

Reading about your pain brought back memories of my slipped disc and extreme sciatica I had for like 5-6 months.

 

Taking my morning **** amidst a pain pill - induced pseudo-coma that could only barely dull the pain is probably the most painful, yet hilarious thoughts in my life.

 

Hovering above a toilet because it brought tears to my eyes to sit down fully was definitely a pain I hope no one ever experiences, and I'm so thankful to the 2 chiropractors who helped ease my pain after ER docs keep telling me there was nothing wrong!

 

As for your friends who disappeared?

 

"Be wary of friends-they will betray you more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy. They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend, because he has something to prove. In fact, you have more to fear from friends than from enemies. If you have no enemies, find a way to make them."

 

I hope your pain eases.

Yes, unfortunately it's necessary to feel pain in order to feel peace.

 

Where is that quote from?. It seems familiar. I'm just thinking if I ended up making friends with any of the people I used to dislike. Can't think of any, except for one girl at work who had some kind of hang up over me. I was never mean to her but she was always to me, until one day she suddenly changed and was all nice. But I was still wary of her.