Apparently I am SUCH an awful person [update: It's done and he's GONE]

[GoneOrNot]

Long story short : It appears that the love of my life is breaking up with me. It was a year long affair (although due to work and family commitment we only met in person every other weekend, or so). We have had disagreements off and on (like any couple would), but he's always been reasonable and we've always made up. On Wednesday last, however, I got angry with him over something (that in highsight was really small), and blocked him on Facebook. I told him I was blocking him on FB before doing so and I saw that he'd read that message. I unblocked him a few hours later, apologized for being so childish but then told him how and why I was hurt. Message shows as "Delivered", not "Seen" (which is unusual for him). After giving him time, on Saturday (after waiting 3 days), I sent him another message asking him how his day went. NO RESPONSE, and again, message shows as "Delivered", not "Seen". Finally, yesterday (Labor day), I told him I was really upset that he had completely withdrawn from me and that it had been a few days and can we please talk ? Again, the message shows as "Delivered", not "Seen".

 

He hasn't blocked me on Facebook and I haven't tried calling him or texting him. We would normally have met up this upcoming weekend, but now I don't know. He's gone RADIO silent on me from when we would talk or text several times a day to almost a week of ZERO communication.

 

Are we done here ? I admit I was childish and stupid to block him on Facebook but his reaction, even after my heart - felt apology - is hurting me a lot. Is this sign of an impending break-up (if we're not already broken up) ?

 

BTW, we're not young - we're both in our 30s and he has a son that he shares custody of, I have no kids. Thanks for any advise you have for me.

[Satu]

He's giving you 'The Silent Treatment,' which is a form of emotional abuse, and done to punish someone.

 

Google 'Silent Treatment.'

 

I don't think he's finished with you.

 

I think he's punishing you.

 

 

Take care.

[GoneOrNot]

He's giving you 'The Silent Treatment,' which is a form of emotional abuse, and done to punish someone.

 

Google 'Silent Treatment.'

 

I don't think he's finished with you.

 

I think he's punishing you.

 

 

Take care.

 

Thank you. How do we know when it's over vs. when he's punishing me ? Please advise ?

 

Also, it looks like he's avoiding reading my messages (status has never changed from "Delivered" to "Seen". Is there a reason for this (in your opinion / experience) ? TIA.

[Zahara]

I would say silent treatment but usually one would have a pattern of doing that whenever dealing with conflict. You said he is always reasonable when there are disagreements.

 

I think he's really upset/hurt and is needing space and is likely very turned off by your behavior. Probably shocked that you have the ability to up and cut so easily.

 

The thing is, when you decided to cut him off, you just did it. When he has now cut you off, you deem it hurtful.

 

I'd give it a couple more days and the suggest talking because it is also unfair that he keeps you hanging.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with Zahara on this.

 

One of my exes used the silent treatment as punishment, but I figured that out fairly early on in the relationship. I think you would have seen signs of this type of behaviour before now if that's what he were attempting here.

 

It sounds to me like he really just does not want to talk to you. Even if you told him you were cutting him off online, it would still sting when you actually did it.

 

What was this argument about?

[aloneinaz]

I'm a bit confused. You state you're both in your 30's yet you or both are acting like teenagers. I'm not trying to be harsh but why on earth haven't you simply picked up the phone and called him vs. FB messaging? Now, you're playing these mental gymnastics about the message being delivered or not??

 

Man, I miss the old days, pre-text and pre-internet. You actually had to CALL someone or speak to them in person to have adult conversations..

 

Ok, what to do now? Call him if you want to try and continue this R/S. Leave a message asking him to call you w/out apologizing all over yourself. If he ignores your call and doesn't get back to you, then make your mind up. You either need to figure he took the childish way out and ended it or is going to keep acting like a child and try to string out the drama and BS.

 

I think it's time for you to decide if that R/S is worth it.

Edited September 6, 2016 by aloneinaz

[GoneOrNot]

I would say silent treatment but usually one would have a pattern of doing that whenever dealing with conflict. You said he is always reasonable when there are disagreements.

 

I think he's really upset/hurt and is needing space and is likely very turned off by your behavior. Probably shocked that you have the ability to up and cut so easily.

 

The thing is, when you decided to cut him off, you just did it. When he has now cut you off, you deem it hurtful.

 

I'd give it a couple more days and the suggest talking because it is also unfair that he keeps you hanging.

 

 

 

I agree with Zahara on this.

 

One of my exes used the silent treatment as punishment, but I figured that out fairly early on in the relationship. I think you would have seen signs of this type of behaviour before now if that's what he were attempting here.

 

It sounds to me like he really just does not want to talk to you. Even if you told him you were cutting him off online, it would still sting when you actually did it.

 

 

In my defense, I blocked him for exactly 4 hours, but he has responded by ignoring me for almost a week !! How is this OK, esp. in light of the fact that I admitted it was childish of me to block him (even if just for a few hours) ?

 

So, am I to assume that he's gone and the "relationship" is over ? Because his behavior is stinging me, too. I had a genuine complaint / argument over him never giving me any credit for any help I have given him in his business, and this is how he responds, despite my apology ? How is this even OK, even though "I started it" ?

[Nadine123]

Yes what you did is childish, but it isnt a reason for him to react this way at all, even silent treatment in my opinion.

 

It seems to me that he is just looking for a way out. I would suggest not calling, you already did one. Dont beg or plead. He knows your number, if he wants you he will call you

[basil67]

I think it's a mistake to think this is only because you blocked him. The blocking was just one action in a much larger argument. I also am not so quick to jump on the Silent Treatment bandwagon.

 

You say that you got angry with him over something really small. What did you say to him in your anger? Is it possible that you hurt him so much that he's walked away from you with a "FU - I want nothing more to do with this woman" attitude? I can easily imagine doing the same IF a person said horrible things to me.

 

What was the fight about and what got said?

[books2]

Granted, the blocking was stupid...

 

But I'm 32 and just realized the stupidity of lack of communication, playing game or the silent treatment...

 

Never again!

 

Hope you will learn also on your side.

 

If he does come back (which I think he will), make sure it doesn't become a pattern... Say he does it once and it works, he might be tempted to do it again...

 

Have an honest and open-hearted communication about it with him.

[GoneOrNot]

Thank you, Nadine123. I won't be contacting him again. I have apologized to him, and if he can't take it, that's how it's going to roll, then.

-

I think it's a mi-stake to think this is only because you blocked him. The blocking was just one action in a much larger argument. I also am not so quick to jump on the Silent Treatment bandwagon.

 

You say that you got angry with him over something really small. What did you say to him in your anger? Is it possible that you hurt him so much that he's walked away from you with a "FU - I want nothing more to do with this woman" attitude? I can easily imagine doing the same IF a person said horrible things to me.

 

What was the fight about and what got said?

 

The argument was over him not giving me credit for helping him with a problem at his work, while he publicly AND profusely thanked everyone else.

 

I also blocked him before he could respond, then unblocked him within 4 hours.

 

No matter how childishly I behaved, his response is 10 times harsher because I had a genuine grouse, and his reaction is to ignore me for a week ! I do think we are done and that he took the coward's way out.

 

 

Books2, I don't think he's coming back, given his reaction.

[Zahara]

In my defense, I blocked him for exactly 4 hours, but he has responded by ignoring me for almost a week !! How is this OK, esp. in light of the fact that I admitted it was childish of me to block him (even if just for a few hours) ?

 

So, am I to assume that he's gone and the "relationship" is over ? Because his behavior is stinging me, too. I had a genuine complaint / argument over him never giving me any credit for any help I have given him in his business, and this is how he responds, despite my apology ? How is this even OK, even though "I started it" ?

 

Just like Basil mentioned, I have to wonder if there's more to this than just this argument. If this is how you handle an argument over a "small thing" then have you had a tendency to overreact when dealing with conflict in the past? Maybe he's reached his limit.

 

In any case, no one is saying it's right to ignore you. Both of you have behaved badly. You blocked him. He is running with it. Maybe he's using this as an excuse to bail.

 

Either way, you have to decide at this point what you're willing to accept. You can reach out in a few days to talk about the status of your relationship and if he ignores, you move on. If he responds, you both communicate like adults.

[aloneinaz]

If this is how you handle an argument over a "small thing" then have you had a tendency to overreact when dealing with conflict in the past? Maybe he's reached his limit.

 

Maybe he's using this as an excuse to bail.

 

If he responds, you both communicate like adults.

 

Not many guys want to deal with a woman who easily overreacts, blows up and childishly blocks them on a social site, despite how immature he's being described by you.

 

There really was a lot of childish behavior being demonstrated by both sides. There's lots of learning lessons here for you.

 

As it has been mentioned, leave him alone to save your pride. You tried to reach out and fix it. If he doesn't get back w/you then learn what you can and move on away from that childish, drama filled R/S.

[basil67]

Thank you, Nadine123. I won't be contacting him again. I have apologized to him, and if he can't take it, that's how it's going to roll, then.

-

 

 

The argument was over him not giving me credit for helping him with a problem at his work, while he publicly AND profusely thanked everyone else.

 

I also blocked him before he could respond, then unblocked him within 4 hours.

 

No matter how childishly I behaved, his response is 10 times harsher because I had a genuine grouse, and his reaction is to ignore me for a week ! I do think we are done and that he took the coward's way out.

 

 

Books2, I don't think he's coming back, given his reaction.

 

You're right - this isn't something which should have ended up as an argument.

 

I don't know what you said to him, but if you'd stuck with something along the lines of "I felt hurt when I didn't see my name among those you acknowledged" shouldn't have started an argument. Were you more brutal than this with your words? Did you insult him or make absolute accusations such as "you always...!" or "you never....!"

 

Or perhaps there's more to it than this one issue? Do you feel unappreciated in other parts of the relationship and this was the proverbial straw?

[GoneOrNot]

Just like Basil mentioned, I have to wonder if there's more to this than just this argument. If this is how you handle an argument over a "small thing" then have you had a tendency to overreact when dealing with conflict in the past? Maybe he's reached his limit.

 

Is being angry over not getting due credit "over-reacting over a small thing" ?

 

Again, its fine if he is done. He just needs to tell me that upfront.

[GoneOrNot]

You're right - this isn't something which should have ended up as an argument.

 

I don't know what you said to him, but if you'd stuck with something along the lines of "I felt hurt when I didn't see my name among those you acknowledged" shouldn't have started an argument. Were you more brutal than this with your words? Did you insult him or make absolute accusations such as "you always...!" or "you never....!"

 

Or perhaps there's more to it than this one issue? Do you feel unappreciated in other parts of the relationship and this was the proverbial straw?

 

I thanked him for the mention (sarcasm, there), and said I didn't need his f******** gratitude. Then, I said I am blocking him and did it. He had done a few hurtful things in the past month alone and I snapped.

[Zahara]

Is being angry over not getting due credit "over-reacting over a small thing" ?

 

Again, its fine if he is done. He just needs to tell me that upfront.

 

Well, you said it was a small thing. Was it truly a small thing or was it significant to you? What also matters is how you communicate your grievances to your partner. Maybe it wasn't about the issue but how you presented it and handled it thereafter.

 

Unfortunately, you can't force him to tell you. At some point you're going to have to make the decision for yourself.

[Zahara]

I thanked him for the mention (sarcasm, there), and said I didn't need his f******** gratitude. Then, I said I am blocking him and did it. He had done a few hurtful things in the past month alone and I snapped.

 

I just saw this - I think you could have communicated better. So you snapped. Maybe this is the straw that broke the camels back for the both of you.

Edited September 6, 2016 by Zahara

[GoneOrNot]

Well, you said it was a small thing. Was it truly a small thing or was it significant to you? What also matters is how you communicate your grievances to your partner. Maybe it wasn't about the issue but how you presented it and handled it thereafter.

 

It was significant for me, and it was his third strike in a row (over two other issues that hurt me quite a bit). You're right - he was probably looking to bail. In any case, not even reading my messages is pretty petty and I don't see the point when he can just tell me not to contact him anymore ? It's almost as if he is enjoying my apologies to him and trying to get him to communicate and I believe I am too old for this.

 

How long do you suggest that I let this lie before contacting him again ? (I am going to assume that I was 200% at fault this time around, and really did hurt / upset him). I don't know if I should have hope or not that he's not blocked me on FB.... but then again, who knows ? I really do miss him, though, and this really hurts.

[stillafool]

I think if you really wanted to apologize in a case like this a phone call is in order, not a text. You are wondering about this and you could know everything with a phone call. I hope he wasn't using this as an excuse to breakup with you. You never know.

[GoneOrNot]

I think if you really wanted to apologize in a case like this a phone call is in order, not a text. You are wondering about this and you could know everything with a phone call. I hope he wasn't using this as an excuse to breakup with you. You never know.

 

Just called him, and it went to voicemail. Just left a "generic message" ("hi, what's up ? give me a call when you can !" ...I forced myself to keep it short, but I am really hurting now. I just want to know either way, this "silence should tell you" isn't my cup of tea / game.

[GoneOrNot]

I just saw this - I think you could have communicated better. So you snapped. Maybe this is the straw that broke the camels back for the both of you.

 

Probably. Again, should I even try again ? If so, how much longer should I wait ? I just called him and left him a voice mail. Should this be it ?

[Zahara]

Probably. Again, should I even try again ? If so, how much longer should I wait ? I just called him and left him a voice mail. Should this be it ?

 

Personally, a week of silence would have done it for me. You've left a voice message so there is nothing more you can do. I would have mentioned something about the status of the relationship just so he knows it hangs in the balance and that he needs to react. The generic message may just feed him into believing you're sitting around and just waiting for him.

 

No more contact. It would be best to expect that it is over. If and when he comes around, think carefully as to whether this is something you really want in your life since he's hurt you several times already.

[BlueIris]

It was significant for me, and it was his third strike in a row (over two other issues that hurt me quite a bit). You're right - he was probably looking to bail. In any case, not even reading my messages is pretty petty and I don't see the point when he can just tell me not to contact him anymore ? It's almost as if he is enjoying my apologies to him and trying to get him to communicate and I believe I am too old for this.

 

How long do you suggest that I let this lie before contacting him again ? (I am going to assume that I was 200% at fault this time around, and really did hurt / upset him). I don't know if I should have hope or not that he's not blocked me on FB.... but then again, who knows ? I really do miss him, though, and this really hurts.

 

Why are you trying to salvage this? Three strikes means "out."

[Bialy]

Thank you. How do we know when it's over vs. when he's punishing me ? Please advise ?

 

Also, it looks like he's avoiding reading my messages (status has never changed from "Delivered" to "Seen". Is there a reason for this (in your opinion / experience) ? TIA.

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this - but it's totally possible that he turned off the feature that allows someone to see if a message has been read or not.