Apparently I am SUCH an awful person [update: It's done and he's GONE]

[Zahara]

No, it's not. We shared a year together. Two wrongs don't make a right, no matter HOW wrong I was ! Even if everything is 200% my fault all of the time, he can be the bigger, better person... no harm in expecting that.

 

Again, you cannot expect others to think the way you do. You had a year together. People have been in marriages for decades only to crumble under worse situations.

 

You feel entitled that he's supposed to be a certain way to accommodate how you feel. I know you're emotional but it's unrealistic.

[GoneOrNot]

Again, you cannot expect others to think the way you do. You had a year together. People have been in marriages for decades only to crumble under worse situations.

 

You feel entitled that he's supposed to be a certain way to accommodate how you feel. I know you're emotional but it's unrealistic.

 

That is exactly why I left a generic voicemail and did not mention the relationship status -- I am in a lot of shock and pain and do not want to make a bad situation 10,000 times worse by having a sensitive discussion at this point. I just don't want to give up a year over a month of stress so maybe just chilling out and giving each other more time is in order. I also need time to prepare myself for a break-up and maybe use this as the beginning of "No Contact".

[basil67]

I am not sure what your advise is, Basil. Do you have any suggestions on what else to do to make this work or not, esp. since I have already acknowledged having "started it" ?

 

Sadly, I have no advice to get him back. All I can give is a bit of rationale to help with acceptance of his decision.

 

Still though, I'm wondering if he's really all he should be for you. If he's been rude recently, perhaps it's not such a great loss.

[Blanco]

No. I am hurting and needed advise. Instead, I sense attacks all around.

 

And that seems to be the problem. Your senses are off.

[basil67]

That is exactly why I left a generic voicemail and did not mention the relationship status -- I am in a lot of shock and pain and do not want to make a bad situation 10,000 times worse by having a sensitive discussion at this point. I just don't want to give up a year over a month of stress so maybe just chilling out and giving each other more time is in order. I also need time to prepare myself for a break-up and maybe use this as the beginning of "No Contact".

 

This month of high stress for him is when he's being rude to you, yes?

 

He's showing you how he deals with stress, and apparently it's not pretty. When we gauge relationship compatibility, while we can't help but look at what it's like when the going is good, we must take strong notice of what the bad is like.

 

Imagine if you'd been married to him while he was stressed and rude. What would it have been like? If you'd had kids, how would he have treated them?

[GoneOrNot]

Sadly, I have no advice to get him back. All I can give is a bit of rationale to help with acceptance of his decision.

 

Still though, I'm wondering if he's really all he should be for you. If he's been rude recently, perhaps it's not such a great loss.

 

He's had a lot of work-related stress. And I haven't been a saint and throwing a hissy fit over his lack of acknowledgment - you know, maybe he thought I was SUPPOSED to help him as a girlfriend, and not expect thanks ? I know that I can never ever undo my angry words but I am starting to see how - if he assumed that an SO is supposed to help - then I really and truly came across as an entitled female dog (which makes me feel like crap).

 

Would just letting him be for some more time help ? I eventually want to at least be acquaintances with him ... and don't want to be a "frenemy", KWIM ?

[GoneOrNot]

And that seems to be the problem. Your senses are off.

 

Yes. I am far too emotional to be having this kind of discussion with him. You folks are "safe" and you are also OBJECTIVE, but I just don't have the courage to approach him in my present state.

[Zahara]

That is exactly why I left a generic voicemail and did not mention the relationship status -- I am in a lot of shock and pain and do not want to make a bad situation 10,000 times worse by having a sensitive discussion at this point. I just don't want to give up a year over a month of stress so maybe just chilling out and giving each other more time is in order. I also need time to prepare myself for a break-up and maybe use this as the beginning of "No Contact".

 

Yes, expect that it is over. If he comes around, then you can decide how you want to proceed. Make no more contact and the ball is now in his court.

 

You can't be friends with someone if they don't want to so at this point it's a futile prospect to even think about. I know you're throwing it out there because you're hurt and the thought of not having him in your life is frightful. But focus on one day at a time. For now, stay NC. It's his move.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Personally, I would draw the line at being sworn at like that. It is natural for people like to feel appreciated by their partner's, so I can see why you were upset by his reaction.

 

Hindsight is a great thing. Maybe it would have been better to ignore his nasty response and given each other some space. However, in the heat of the moment we don't always think things through.

 

The fact is you made a mistake, you tried to fix it, now he won't even meet you halfway. There is nothing more you can do!

 

I suspect there is more going on here from his perspective. Frankly, it almost sounds like a convenient excuse for him to bail. Even if he resumes contact with you at some point, he has now shown you that he isn't as invested in this relationship as you are, which is upsetting but it also lets you know where you stand. If that is the case, proceed with caution.

 

The only thing you can do right now is maintain your dignity and go radio silent. I know it may seem agonizing to leave things unanswered, but I think it is the best thing you can do right now.

 

I suspect if you leave it long enough he will reach out to you, but if for some reason he doesn't, you will know the quality of man he truly is.

 

Take care.

[GoneOrNot]

Personally, I would draw the line at being sworn at like that. It is natural for people like to feel appreciated by their partner's, so I can see why you were upset by his reaction.

 

Hindsight is a great thing. Maybe it would have been better to ignore his nasty response and given each other some space. However, in the heat of the moment we don't always think things through.

 

The fact is you made a mistake, you tried to fix it, now he won't even meet you halfway. There is nothing more you can do!

 

I suspect there is more going on here from his perspective. Frankly, it almost sounds like a convenient excuse for him to bail. Even if he resumes contact with you at some point, he has now shown you that he isn't as invested in this relationship as you are, which is upsetting but it also lets you know where you stand. If that is the case, proceed with caution.

 

The only thing you can do right now is maintain your dignity and go radio silent. I know it may seem agonizing to leave things unanswered, but I think it is the best thing you can do right now.

 

I suspect if you leave it long enough he will reach out to you, but if for some reason he doesn't, you will know the quality of man he truly is.

 

Take care.

 

Yes, I should NEVER have sworn at him like that...AND THEN followed that up with the childish blocking. I totally admit to screwing it up and I know I probably did HURT his feelings a lot (esp. if he had expected me to help as his girlfriend of a year +) ...KWIM ?

 

But then to withdraw like that... I guess it's his way of "getting back at me". This guy was supposed to be the great love of my life and I don't think I will ever forget him, but even more frightening than never having him in my life again is the fact that he might walk around the Planet, disliking me, and not wanting to talk even after eons past. THAT is scary, but maybe I won't care if he does break-up and we go radio silent NO CONTACT.

 

BUT I do wish we can end on good terms... SIGH ! Why was I so awful to him ? WHY OH WHY OH WHY didn't I keep my trap shut KNOWING he was already under enormous stress at work ?

 

What's causing me the most pain now is not HIS reaction, but MY action. I totally asked for this and THAT'S not a nice thing to feel / acknowledge.

Edited September 7, 2016 by GoneOrNot

[hestheone66]

A year long but already have break ups where you get back together and you only see him every other weekend?

 

In reality you need to see the two of you are not suited.

 

Take his radio silence as cowardice that he doesn't want to be the bad guy but this is done..if you stay together it's unhealthy a ticking time bomb..

[bubbaganoosh]

You have anything at your house that belongs to him? If you do, box it up and take it to his house, ring the bell and when he answers, hand it to him.

 

Either he'll take it and close the door or let you in but that's up to him. One way or another you'll know how he feels about the relationship.

 

One rule I always follow is think before you speak because once the words roll off your tongue and hit the other persons ear it's too late.

 

If it's me I chalk it up as done and move on. You blocked him and it doesn't matter if it's 4 hours or 4 years, the fight was on and he's doing the same but with more gusto. Honestly I think it's really childish but I wish you luck.

[GoneOrNot]

A year long but already have break ups where you get back together and you only see him every other weekend?

 

In reality you need to see the two of you are not suited.

 

Take his radio silence as cowardice that he doesn't want to be the bad guy but this is done..if you stay together it's unhealthy a ticking time bomb..

 

No, this was our first major fight although he had been rude and stand-offish this past month (which he always apologized for). Yes, I travel for work, and it wasn't by design that we didn't meet as often but when we talked every day ... I was supposed to get promoted to a position that only had 25% travel time (as opposed to the 75% I do now) at the end of the year, and was so looking f/w to it as that would have meant more time with him and his son.....

 

I am going radio silent on him, too, not out of spite but to give him space to process his emotions (I DID disrespect him, after all) and to concentrate on his work. If he comes back, it was meant to be ... if not, I want to be a big girl and let him go, even if it hurts like heck

[GoneOrNot]

You have anything at your house that belongs to him? If you do, box it up and take it to his house, ring the bell and when he answers, hand it to him.

 

Either he'll take it and close the door or let you in but that's up to him. One way or another you'll know how he feels about the relationship.

 

One rule I always follow is think before you speak because once the words roll off your tongue and hit the other persons ear it's too late.

 

If it's me I chalk it up as done and move on. You blocked him and it doesn't matter if it's 4 hours or 4 years, the fight was on and he's doing the same but with more gusto. Honestly I think it's really childish but I wish you luck.

 

Thank you. I do agree that he's fighting back more vigorously (and I don't blame him). I actually have only a few shirts and a couple of shorts at my house, and not much else (unless you count his shaving set). The idea of returning them to him hurts... there's a finality to it that hurts me even more

 

Do you suspect he might come back ?

[GoneOrNot]

Key word: supposed. You had expectations that were not met. It's not his fault, is it?

 

Nope, because I did NOT treat him with the love and respect he deserved at a time of great personal stress to him. I am not sure if that's what you are asking, though ?

[aloneinaz]

Stop beating yourself up. EVERYONE has made bone head mistakes in R/S's. I'm impressed that you're OWNING it. I will also say I suspect this may not have been the first time he's witnessed your temper or angry reaction. I'm not bringing that to kick you while you're down but am gently suggesting you get to the bottom of why you react that way. It's not a healthy, mature response and not many partners of either sex want that in their relationship.

 

From what you're saying he's has plenty of room for growth in relationships as well.

 

The big picture is that relationship is toxic, dysfunctional and unhealthy. Only a year and you're having these kinds of issues? Wow.. As the others have stated, why would you WANT to restart that relationship? A year is still pretty new and should not be filled w/all that drama, break ups, childish fighting or anything else. A healthy, solid, loving relationship is building a SOLID foundation of the future at a year. No foundation is build on quicksand.

 

As the others have suggested, leave him alone. You've tried. Save your pride and self respect and vanish. If you don't hear from him in a week and you have things of his, BY NO MEANS return them to him in person. Dump them on his porch or have someone dump them on his porch when he's not home. Then, there's no doubt to you or him that it's over. Heal and learn from it then move on.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Yes, I should NEVER have sworn at him like that...AND THEN followed that up with the childish blocking. I totally admit to screwing it up and I know I probably did HURT his feelings a lot (esp. if he had expected me to help as his girlfriend of a year +) ...KWIM ?

 

But then to withdraw like that... I guess it's his way of "getting back at me". This guy was supposed to be the great love of my life and I don't think I will ever forget him, but even more frightening than never having him in my life again is the fact that he might walk around the Planet, disliking me, and not wanting to talk even after eons past. THAT is scary, but maybe I won't care if he does break-up and we go radio silent NO CONTACT.

 

BUT I do wish we can end on good terms... SIGH ! Why was I so awful to him ? WHY OH WHY OH WHY didn't I keep my trap shut KNOWING he was already under enormous stress at work ?

 

What's causing me the most pain now is not HIS reaction, but MY action. I totally asked for this and THAT'S not a nice thing to feel / acknowledge.

 

Sorry, I misunderstood. I thought he swore at you, which is why I could understand why you reacted the way you did.

 

Please don't put all the blame on yourself. He is equally responsible for what happened. If the relationship was strong, this should have been resolved by now.

 

I know you are feeling a lot of different emotions right now, just try and keep yourself busy and distracted from these thoughts. They will only make you feel worse.

[ExpatInItaly]

I imagine he'll talk to you again. I don't know if that means he'll want to continue the relationship, though.

 

If the weekend arrives and you still have heard nothing, I think it's safe to assume he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore. Sorry, OP.

[GoneOrNot]

Stop beating yourself up. EVERYONE has made bone head mistakes in R/S's. I'm impressed that you're OWNING it. I will also say I suspect this may not have been the first time he's witnessed your temper or angry reaction. I'm not bringing that to kick you while you're down but am gently suggesting you get to the bottom of why you react that way. It's not a healthy, mature response and not many partners of either sex want that in their relationship.

 

From what you're saying he's has plenty of room for growth in relationships as well.

 

The big picture is that relationship is toxic, dysfunctional and unhealthy. Only a year and you're having these kinds of issues? Wow.. As the others have stated, why would you WANT to restart that relationship? A year is still pretty new and should not be filled w/all that drama, break ups, childish fighting or anything else. A healthy, solid, loving relationship is building a SOLID foundation of the future at a year. No foundation is build on quicksand.

 

As the others have suggested, leave him alone. You've tried. Save your pride and self respect and vanish. If you don't hear from him in a week and you have things of his, BY NO MEANS return them to him in person. Dump them on his porch or have someone dump them on his porch when he's not home. Then, there's no doubt to you or him that it's over. Heal and learn from it then move on.

 

 

We've both been prickly this past month, but he has a reason (his business-related stress). I've been prickly because he's been distant and snappy ...! So, yes, a match made in hell, probably.

 

I haven't actually been short tempered with him, but I don't like one of his employees and have been complaining about the guy quite a bit. I know he's protective of his employees... but really, when your GF is being disrespected ? Don't get me wrong. I KNOW that good workers are hard to come by, but have some loyalty, please !!!!!!!

 

So, it's been a rough road. And my temper didn't help and I finally snapped. UGH.

 

Thank you for your kind words, though. Lesson learned. Next time, I'll put duct tape on my mouth and fingers when the urge to snap takes over. A sentence said in regret in all of 5 seconds has caused me DAYS of grief !!

[GoneOrNot]

Sorry, I misunderstood. I thought he swore at you, which is why I could understand why you reacted the way you did.

 

Please don't put all the blame on yourself. He is equally responsible for what happened. If the relationship was strong, this should have been resolved by now.

 

I know you are feeling a lot of different emotions right now, just try and keep yourself busy and distracted from these thoughts. They will only make you feel worse.

 

Thank you ! NC has already started... feeling it in my bones !

[basil67]

We've both been prickly this past month, but he has a reason (his business-related stress). I've been prickly because he's been distant and snappy ...! So, yes, a match made in hell, probably.

 

I haven't actually been short tempered with him, but I don't like one of his employees and have been complaining about the guy quite a bit. I know he's protective of his employees... but really, when your GF is being disrespected ? Don't get me wrong. I KNOW that good workers are hard to come by, but have some loyalty, please !!!!!!!

 

So, it's been a rough road. And my temper didn't help and I finally snapped. UGH.

 

Thank you for your kind words, though. Lesson learned. Next time, I'll put duct tape on my mouth and fingers when the urge to snap takes over. A sentence said in regret in all of 5 seconds has caused me DAYS of grief !!

 

GoneOrNot, you've mentioned a few times that he's been stressed this last month. But if he's been taking it out on you, that is a warning sign you must heed.

 

And what's going on with his worker disrespecting you? What was he doing? Your guy absolutely should have been making sure that his work and personal life are separate.

[GoneOrNot]

I imagine he'll talk to you again. I don't know if that means he'll want to continue the relationship, though.

 

If the weekend arrives and you still have heard nothing, I think it's safe to assume he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore. Sorry, OP.

 

I just want him to let me know that he's accepted my apology for throwing a hissy fit and using bad language and to let me know face-to-face that it's OVER. I guess what really bothers me is the idea of him roaming around town hating me for disrespecting him AND pulling the plug on a year long relationship by merely vanishing into thin air. I guess we both need a break from each other, so some space mayn't be an issue, after all, but I just want to hear that from him ... not have to assume that because he's nowhere to be found and his silence should be extrapolated to assume breakup !

 

Again, as Zahara said, just because I *want* him to act a certain way doesn't mean that he will or even has to. He can do whatever he wants, but I am just hoping that he'll take the high road and let me know face-to-face that it's done and gone... IF that is his intention.

Edited September 7, 2016 by GoneOrNot

[basil67]

I hear you. And it's certainly not asking too much to have a discussion...one way or another.

[GoneOrNot]

I hear you. And it's certainly not asking too much to have a discussion...one way or another.

 

His ego is bigger than his huge frame.. that's the problem. Knowing him, I don't think I will ever hear from him again - he's kinda of a douche like that. I was just going through my call logs and I've initiated most of the phone calls since July ! Not a good discovery at all !

 

*And*, all of a sudden, my mind's playing tricks on me and I have this awful visual of him running off with one of his employees... UGH. I really need some wine... and lots of sleep.

[aloneinaz]

I think you'd be better off not convincing yourself that he MUST reply to you or have a conversation so you know one way or the other. Right now, his ACTIONS are saying he doesn't care to even bother by replying to you. The hard truth is, many people have a serious fight. One or the other choses to never speak to their now ex again. They simply disappear. Why? They are cowards or don't want any further drama, accountability or simply don't care. They also are DONE and would never consider seeing the other again.

 

It's like all the folks on this site who post that they need "closure" when a R/S breaks up. That's such a fallacy and it is laughable. No one needs closure when a relationship ends. The fact is, the R/S ended and all the excruciating details of why one or the other ended it are a moot point by then. Most people know and understand why their R/S ended or they are lying to themselves or others.

 

In your case, you need to breathe. Will he return your call or want to try again? Who knows and honestly at this point, you shouldn't care. Every recent post of yours is suggesting that he was fading (you have to reach out to contact him first since July). We're also learning more and more about your frustrations w/him.

 

Again, save your self respect, pride and self esteem. You've reached out and now there's nothing more for you to do. I agree w/the others. If you don't hear from him by this weekend, flush his items from your life by having someone drop them off at his place and go NC and wrap your head around that it's for the best.

Edited September 7, 2016 by aloneinaz