Apparently I am SUCH an awful person [update: It's done and he's GONE]

[carhill]

OP, I tend to align with you with regard to exes and, in fact, by the time my exW and I filed our final MSA with the court, resulting in a dissolution the next day, I took her out to lunch and we caught up on things in a pleasant way, parted company and never had significant contact again until she called me out of the blue a few years later, actually when I was looking for the place out of CA where I live now, and blurted out that her best friend, also a dear friend of mine, had died. We talked for a couple hours and none of the interaction was strained, rather we were both commiserating over the death of a friend.

 

One aspect I have noted in the interceding years, mostly from female friends, is comments that I don't hate her enough. I do note most of my male friends, even those divorced many years or decades, still use pretty harsh language when describing exW's so perhaps my experience is anomalous, at least among my social group.

 

I think the key for myself was finishing business and putting the past behind me. At that lunch date I also had the ashes of my mother, who had just died, in the back seat so I put a couple painful issues to rest and accepted that they were important, the past, and today was a new day.

[GoneOrNot]

It's Day 3 of "RADIO SILENCE" and I am feeling ... well, like cr@p. I know that messaging or texting him would not help -- as it is, he hasn't even seen my last (Tuesday) messages to him on FB (yes, I checked today, unfortunately), and contacting him would just hurt me, because he's just going to ignore me, and put me through more grief.

 

It appears that he had already begun to checking out of the relationship in late June, so he had a good headway on me... and as some of you here pointed out, was just waiting for a reason to break up (which I offered to him on a platter by losing my temper at him over a very ridiculous matter). I am angry, resentful and want him to suffer, too. I know .. childish of me... but why does he get at least 3 months on me to move on while I am sitting here, completely devastated and hurt ? Why should I torture myself, thinking that he was the One Great Love of my life, and the One That Got Away while he's out there and supposedly with someone else already ?

 

I know a year from now on, I'd probably look back on today and shake my head, thinking how dumb I was, but I am hurting now and just want this pain to go away. I was doing OK for two days, then I woke up this morning and began to cry. I guess it's finally starting to sink in ..he's gone and we're DONE. It seems so final and so awful... I have this emptiness inside and the heartache makes me want to just curl up and dig myself into the deepest hole I can find. Help !

[sorano]

Forgive? No. The last woman burnt me hard. I will never forgive her. It depends whst is done. Bc I'm old school italian, a no bs guy, straight shooter, I don't really forgive that many people. I go above and beyond for people and mske sure they are taken care of. Then you betray me, lie and screw me over. Your done. Over. Ghost. The universe has its ways. I.e. Karma is one. I hope it comes at you in a 10 fold when you are at your peak in life.

 

I'm a good person. I will give you my bed to sleep on, my last water bottle, even my last dollar just so I can see that person be happy and not suffer. You cross me, I will be your worst nightmare

[GoneOrNot]

Forgive? No. The last woman burnt me hard. I will never forgive her. It depends whst is done. Bc I'm old school italian, a no bs guy, straight shooter, I don't really forgive that many people. I go above and beyond for people and mske sure they are taken care of. Then you betray me, lie and screw me over. Your done. Over. Ghost. The universe has its ways. I.e. Karma is one. I hope it comes at you in a 10 fold when you are at your peak in life.

 

I'm a good person. I will give you my bed to sleep on, my last water bottle, even my last dollar just so I can see that person be happy and not suffer. You cross me, I will be your worst nightmare

 

Ugh... nothing dramatic happened. As in, no lies or betrayal. Just some hurtful words said in the heat of the moment AFTER he hurt me by his p/a actions. Geez, dude... you're freaking me out !

[Woggle]

I never wish to see her again but I don't hate her.

[carhill]

IDK if forgive is the word I'd use, rather accept. Anyone who's been married knows what they voluntarily signed on for, maybe not the specifics but the general 'whatever happens' in marriage.

 

Looking back on all exes I have no emotional content to share. 20 or 30 years ago I might have, and probably would have. Age tends to put things into perspective. See enough people die and one starts to believe life is the gift and anything else positive is the bonus. The negative stuff is what it is. Live long and pay one's respects to the dead, including exes. It's a peaceful place.

[Logo]

I can't forgive people who are reckless with my heart.

 

Some days I think of her as a calculating, selfish, manipulating *****. In a year, she might be a distant memory that it won't matter anymore.

 

In the end, everyone that comes into our lives leaves a mark, an impression. I have come to know her affectionate, good, kind side and her bad, hurtful side. Either that or the former was all an act. Some way to remember someone, eh?

[GoneOrNot]

IDK if forgive is the word I'd use, rather accept. Anyone who's been married knows what they voluntarily signed on for, maybe not the specifics but the general 'whatever happens' in marriage.

 

Looking back on all exes I have no emotional content to share. 20 or 30 years ago I might have, and probably would have. Age tends to put things into perspective. See enough people die and one starts to believe life is the gift and anything else positive is the bonus. The negative stuff is what it is. Live long and pay one's respects to the dead, including exes. It's a peaceful place.

 

True. I am however ashamed of some of the things I said -- I know for a fact that I really punctured his (already fragile to begin with) ego. I know that he's probably sulking and nursing his wounded pride -- he habitually withdraws when he is hurt -- and that makes me so upset. I know this man, and I still love him, even though things ended. I'm certainly not trying to get him back, but I don't want him hurting or wounded. I did try to reach out to him on Tuesday, telling him I didn't mean a damned thing I said and that I only said those things because he hurt me with his passive-aggressive actions, but no response. He didn't even open my FB messages and that's a pretty good indicator (I've come to learn) of how angry and hurt he is. I just wish I could reach out and stroke his ego one more time but we're NC now and I also believe that it may be best to give him space and time, in hopes that he will be more willing to forget in the next several months. Just don't want to burn bridges with him, you know, plus I am truly sorry for the things I said in my hurt and anger when he ended it.

 

I just need some advise on how to approach him again, eventually, in a few months' time, once I can honestly expect both our emotions to be at a better place. What do I say or do so that we can still be acquaintances and good neighbors ? Help !

[carhill]

IDK, everyone is different. I had a taste of what you're describing a couple years after we D'd when my exW's best friend (who was also a good friend of mine) died and she remarked at some point in our conversation that 'I'd do things differently (than I did)'. I wrote it off to the grief of the moment and, TBH, had a neutral emotional content about that. If anything, I was still a little preturbed that she had turned down a job I offered her BF who she had been with since we split up. Relevant to the topic of the thread, I was annoyed that she thought the work was beneath him but used to, er, streetwalk my skills to all her friends yet complained about me not making enough money. He would have made a couple hundred an hour on the deal; I ended up doing it myself because, yeah, I can pretty much do anything. Just not enough time in life.

 

I was trying to run up an emotional response because, after six+ years, meh, it's basically a zero and I've purposely chosen not to muddy the waters with glowing renditions of other women to trash-talk her against, rather decided at my age to opt out and move on to other things. That decision may invalidate my opinion because, by choice, I'm no longer in the game so negative feelings towards, or forgiveness of, exes is not generally a feature of life because generally women are not a feature of life. BTDT, finito.

 

As for approach, keep it simple and straight up. Avoid long-winded explanations like mine above

[Densel]

There is a quote "there is how much hate, there is how much love."

 

Hurting people hurt people.

 

You both much have an intense relationship. Thats why you both wana hurt each other.

 

After my relationship ended i realised, i did regret saying hurtful words during my relationship with the woman i love most.

As a result she took revenge on me. One day out of the blue. She told me she like a new man and was telling me how sweet the new man is. She even brought him home the next day.I did everything i could to salvage. I was told to leave her home. I was in shocked. I did not scold her or say anything hurtful. I just left quietly.

 

So which is worse? Ending with shouting and insults Or being left for someone else which is a big insult.

 

How do you forgive the person when she is not remorseful?

[hew]

Hey!

 

First off, I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. Losing someone you love is very hard and it seems like a life time to heal yourself.

 

You're absolutely right though, contacting him would only make it harder. I totally get how this is the hardest thing to do. I recently too just went through a break up (different situation my ex was a nightmare), HOWEVER, wanting to contact them and having this image of it all being okay again still remains in your mind.

 

The pain right now seems all too familiar. Its gonna suck and not be okay for a little while, but you will be okay later on. You will rebuild yourself and grow from your experience. I promise!

 

Also, you're totally right. A year from now you will look back on this and it won't hurt as much anymore. Time really does heal, but we also heal to. Its a mixture of both to me. Sometimes there is no quick fix to grieving but it does lessen over the days, weeks, and months. In the mean time, try and do as much of what you love as possible! Spend time with family and friends, do anything positive that makes you happy. With support in our lives, the healing process is much quicker!

 

I wish you all the best and I hope you feel better soon

[Kelley]

I know exactly how you feel, it's hell, it hurts, the anger is all consuming sometimes too. My ex had 3 months on me too, he used me to get over things, and then moved on with the woman he cheated on me with. What is helping me is being here and also I have started a journal. I just pour it all out in there, and when I'm over this I will have a read and think you know what that guy did me a favour, it frees me up to find someone better suited for me.

 

I keep replaying all the lies he told me, the thoughts of them together it just makes me feel an idiot for believing anything he said. I'm on day 5 of NC, it feels like 5 years (he was my best friend I told him everything, I miss that), but I won't give him the satisfaction of thinking I don't have any pride. I didn't even get in touch on Thursday and that was his birthday!

 

Just remember, he is not going through what we are, and we have to concentrate on us. As hard as NC is, in time it works, a few weeks and you will a little better. You just have to try your best to stay strong and look after you. Post on the 'how are you coping today' thread, I do this daily it really helps. Also if you want to contact him there is a thread where you post there instead of to him. Take care you.

Edited October 8, 2016 by Kelley

[GoneOrNot]

Thank you both. Here I am sitting and crying over him, while he's probably happily snoring in bed, dreaming of who knows what ? I know it gets better eventually but it hurts like hell right now. I am also very reserved in real life and don't really talk about my emotions much, so there's that. I haven't been able to eat or sleep all day today.. it's just all finally sinking in.

[Cephalopod]

I have never forgiven my exWW for destroying our marriage and abandoning our daughter. She has never once asked for forgiveness or showed even the slightest hint of remorse or regret for her appalling behavior.

 

But I don't hate her anymore. I actually don't feel anything for her. Her existence on this planet means nothing to me. She could get run over and killed by a school bus tomorrow and it would not phase me one bit. I have no desire to ever see her again, hear about what she is up to or even get an overdue apology from her.

 

As long as she stays away and remains invisible, I'm happy.

[Hoosfoos]

I probably won't forgive, as the hurt and betrayal were too deep, and she said some of the ****tiest things anyone has ever said to me after the fact. I will be civil, if I ever run into her, but there is absolutely nothing left to salvage beyond that. Her behavior has turned me into someone that she doesn't want to know.

[bummer]

I hope you feel better in the coming days and enjoy the sunshine if there is any where you are! I also hope you got your appetite back and can catch some sleep.

 

I can still feel the pangs of the roller coaster somedays. That deep hole you want to dig can get deeper and deeper even on the days you decide to stand up and look out of it. Start filling the hole with things that make you feel better, even if you are just going through the motions at first.

 

Hope you have a great day!

[CDJ]

No, I won't forgive. Forgiveness is an overrated virtue. She already got away with treating me appallingly, and by forgiving her I feel that she'd be let off the hook completely. I offered my forgiveness once and she just stuck the knife in even more.

 

It makes no difference to her or her life, but by not forgiving her I feel I have retained some semblance of justice and fairness. She doesn't deserve my forgiveness.

[GoneOrNot]

We got into a very nasty argument over a business matter and he sent me a threatening voice mail that if I didn't take down a few videos on my private website then he'd sue me for copyright infringement. I should have immediately taken those videos down, but I was feeling angry and called him. When he answered, I told him I didn't see how I violated his business "copyright" because the videos clearly showed that his company owned the TM and that I was merely showcasing some of the work that I had done for the business. He told me that I can say whatever I want, and abruptly hanged up on me. Within 5 minutes, I discovered that I was blocked EVERYWHERE... and there is NO way to communicate with him short of going to his house or office (which I have ZERO intention of doing).

 

I am really angry and hurt. I know this has turned incredibly toxic now, and I had been doing well (was actually a few days NC when he contacted me about the videos) but the sound of his voice made me all emotional and then I was utterly enraged when I realized he hadn't called to see how I was doing but to demand that I take down my videos for alleged copyright infringement.

 

BTW, yes, I took the videos down. Not because ex wants me to, but because I have ZERO interest in being sued and having to defend myself against the complaints. I want to move on and live my life, but now that I know how much he hates me and how little he wants to do with me, I feel like crud. Breakups are hard enough as it is, but when they turn so acrimonious, it feels like such a punch to the gut. Now, I am not only hurting but also angry that he questioned my ethics. How dare he ?

[basil67]

Did it not occur to you to ask his permission before you put the videos up? A bit of basic courtesy on your part would have saved all this drama.

[GoneOrNot]

Maybe it would have been courteous, but I was showcasing MY work (which I regret doing now because I worked for free at the time). Apparently, he's OK with free labor, but he's not OK with my sharing those videos lest I profit from my work ! See how twisted that is ?

 

And the nastiness ... whatever happened to a fair discussion in a PROFESSIONAL MANNER ? Calling me and leaving me a threatening a voice mail solves what ? Especially since the video clearly shows who owns what and I make no false claims in it (I am not that dumb). Maybe I should send him an invoice for all the work I did -- that would be fair, wouldn't it ?

 

Blocking me so I cannot contact him for further discussion makes his intention clear. Cold hearted @sshole.

[ChickiePops]

Maybe it would have been courteous, but I was showcasing MY work (which I regret doing now because I worked for free at the time). Apparently, he's OK with free labor, but he's not OK with my sharing those videos lest I profit from my work ! See how twisted that is ?

 

And the nastiness ... whatever happened to a fair discussion in a PROFESSIONAL MANNER ? Calling me and leaving me a threatening a voice mail solves what ? Especially since the video clearly shows who owns what and I make no false claims in it (I am not that dumb). Maybe I should send him an invoice for all the work I did -- that would be fair, wouldn't it ?

 

Blocking me so I cannot contact him for further discussion makes his intention clear. Cold hearted @sshole.

 

Unless you had a contract in place before you did the work that shows that he agreed to pay you for it, nothing will come of sending an invoice.

 

I agree that he is a cold hearted a-hole. But really your only recourse here is to forget about him and move on. Trying to exact revenge is only going to keep you in his web longer.

[ExpatInItaly]

]Unless you had a contract in place before you did the work that shows that he agreed to pay you for it' date=' nothing will come of sending an invoice.[/b']

 

I agree that he is a cold hearted a-hole. But really your only recourse here is to forget about him and move on. Trying to exact revenge is only going to keep you in his web longer.

 

This.

 

Ultimately, him blocking you will be a gift, OP. Cutting off all contact will help you move on more quickly.

[GoneOrNot]

This.

 

Ultimately, him blocking you will be a gift, OP. Cutting off all contact will help you move on more quickly.

 

I know that this is probably the best gift that he could have given me, because it was so horrifically hard for me to go NC on him. But it hurts to think I will never hear from him or talk to him again. It just hurts and I am in pain all over again.

[GoneOrNot]

Just struggling right now. Cried all morning. This inability to reach him is KILLING me. My (male) cousin says to give him 6 weeks and then to reach out via regular postal mail (since I am almost certain he blocked me on email, too), but 6 weeks.. I was doing well NC but I guess what was helping was the thought that he was merely a phone call or a whatsapp message away. Now that he's walled himself up and there's NO way to contact him (aside from going to his house or work), I am just crushed. I know my anger management issues and my foam-at-the-mouth-crazed-rants caused him a lot of pain but he's been P/A the whole time. I just feel like I am losing my mind. Is there ANYTHING to get him to unblock me again ?

 

I have to stay away from him for a bit, but was supposed to present at a conference on the 30th, and I don't know if I can use my videos (involving his TM) now. This is going to have an impact on my work, too, unless I can redo the work and create the videos between now and the end of the month.

 

Help !

[ExpatInItaly]

What purpose would him unblocking you ultimately serve? What is it you want to say to him?

 

I totally disagree with your cousin's advice. You need to learn to live without this man. And definitely don't get desperate and mail him a letter. It is No Contact from here on out. Yes, it will be hard and painful. At first. But putting some arbitrary 6-week timeline on it isn't going to help at all. It's only going to keep you stuck. This was already over before he blocked you. Him unblocking you isn't going to change that.