Apparently I am SUCH an awful person [update: It's done and he's GONE]

[GoneOrNot]

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this - but it's totally possible that he turned off the feature that allows someone to see if a message has been read or not.

 

If so, then he did this after our fight, because I could ALWAYS previously see when he had "seen" my messages on Facebook.

[GoneOrNot]

Personally, a week of silence would have done it for me. You've left a voice message so there is nothing more you can do. I would have mentioned something about the status of the relationship just so he knows it hangs in the balance and that he needs to react. The generic message may just feed him into believing you're sitting around and just waiting for him.

 

No more contact. It would be best to expect that it is over. If and when he comes around, think carefully as to whether this is something you really want in your life since he's hurt you several times already.

 

Thank you for your feedback in this thread, Zahara. At best, this jolts us both out of our comfort zones and we both grow the hell up. At worst, this was a valuable lesson for the future. If it's over, then I'll cry and go NC... I am just going to assume that if he doesn't come around in the next week, then it's done. It hurts so badly ... maybe in a week, if I stay NC, I would be ok with the finality (if he does end it, after all). In any case, after all the hateful things I said to him (which I take full responsibility for, regardless of the provocation), maybe some time and space will help, after all.

[Bialy]

If so, then he did this after our fight, because I could ALWAYS previously see when he had "seen" my messages on Facebook.

Oops. Sorry about that. I thought you meant iMessages, not Facebook messages.

[GoneOrNot]

I have a question for all the men here -- if you truly liked a woman and respected her, how likely would you overlook fights like this ? Help !

Edited September 7, 2016 by GoneOrNot

[basil67]

I thanked him for the mention (sarcasm, there), and said I didn't need his f******** gratitude. Then, I said I am blocking him and did it. He had done a few hurtful things in the past month alone and I snapped.

 

Yep, that was a very rude way to address a problem. I think the way you approached the issue was way worse than the actual blocking. I'd be having very strong second thoughts about a person if they spoke to me like that.

 

Also, you need to take responsibility for your own behaviour and not blame it on his previous actions.

 

That said, if he's done a few hurtful things recently, why do you want to continue with him?

[WomenWubber]

I have a question for all the men here -- if you truly liked a woman and respected her, how likely would you overlook fights like this ? Help !

 

Maybe I speak for a lot of men here... I'm not one to sweat the small stuff. But thing is, that small stuff keeps piling up and up on your back until you realize that stuff is really weighing down on you. It gets to the point where you can't take it anymore and you just need to let all that resentment free.

 

Leason learned for me was never overlook a fight or "forget" about things no matter how small it is. Everything must be addressed, that's what I try to do now.

[basil67]

I have a question for all the men here -- if you truly liked a woman and respected her, how likely would you overlook fights like this ? Help !

 

Question back: how can a person respect another who says awful things?

 

Respect is a living thing. Poor behaviour can cause one to lose respect for a partner.

[GoneOrNot]

Question back: how can a person respect another who says awful things?

 

Respect is a living thing. Poor behaviour can cause one to lose respect for a partner.

 

If I can respect his feelings enough to apologize despite HIS POOR behavior, the least he can do is respect me back. Please go back and read the thread - it's not like he's a saint and I am the only sinner.

[GoneOrNot]

Yep, that was a very rude way to address a problem. I think the way you approached the issue was way worse than the actual blocking. I'd be having very strong second thoughts about a person if they spoke to me like that.

 

 

OK. SO, two wrongs make a right ?

[Bialy]

Why are you two together?

[wow123]

If I can respect his feelings enough to apologize despite HIS POOR behavior, the least he can do is respect me back. Please go back and read the thread - it's not like he's a saint and I am the only sinner.

 

Read what you wrote. This is a toxic relationship. Is that really what you want?

[Bialy]

The way you're responding on this thread, I'm not surprised he's avoiding contact with you. You haven't been entirely clear on the details, but you seem to be on edge. And we're just strangers on a forum helping you trouble-shoot this situation -- not your boyfriend!

 

Just avoid contact. If you two don't live together - that's all the better, IMO.

[Zahara]

If I can respect his feelings enough to apologize despite HIS POOR behavior, the least he can do is respect me back. Please go back and read the thread - it's not like he's a saint and I am the only sinner.

 

I agree with Basil. A person can have respect for another but if issues like this one are a constant grate on the relationship, then expect that respect to change.

 

You can't project your respect on him. Just because you're willing to tolerate his poor behavior and apologize to respect his feelings, it doesn't mean he is expected to do the same. He's entitled to deal with your disrespect the way he wants to -- this is not a tit for tat.

[Bialy]

If he doesn't respond by Friday, give him a call or text and tell him you need to know what's going through his mind.

 

If you want to take matters into your own hand, tell him maybe you two need a break from each other for a while.

[GoneOrNot]

Read what you wrote. This is a toxic relationship. Is that really what you want?

 

I don't know if it's toxic, to be honest, so I'd appreciate more insight from you. TBH, he's been under a lot of stress at work, so I should have been more patient, but what's done is done. I just want to know if there's a way to mend this, because we have been together a year and I really do love this man. Also, IF it is not meant to be, I'll have to accept that, too, but what really hurts is how badly it ended (if it is indeed the ending). I would much rather part on good terms ... is there a way to do that ? As Basil says, my language was awful and my apology acknowledged that, so I don't know what else to say / do ? Short of riding a time machine back to last Wednesday and preventing that moment from ever occurring !

[basil67]

If I can respect his feelings enough to apologize despite HIS POOR behavior, the least he can do is respect me back. Please go back and read the thread - it's not like he's a saint and I am the only sinner.

 

Respecting his feelings brought you to apologise, but you didn't respect him when you were so rude to him. And he knows this.

 

An apology isn't something we do because we respect the other person, it's what we do when we've been wrong. We should even apologise to someone we have zero respect for if we've been wrong.

 

If we've forgiven a partner in the past, it does not mean that they have to forgive us because each have different breaking points. It's crucial to remember that an apology does not undo the thing we said or did.

 

Other than him forgetting to thank you, I can't see that you've detailed all the stuff he's done wrong. And if he has hurt you so many times, why do you respect him?

[GoneOrNot]

I agree with Basil. A person can have respect for another but if issues like this one are a constant grate on the relationship, then expect that respect to change.

 

You can't project your respect on him. Just because you're willing to tolerate his poor behavior and apologize to respect his feelings, it doesn't mean he is expected to do the same. He's entitled to deal with your disrespect the way he wants to -- this is not a tit for tat.

 

Which is by ignoring my attempts to communicate for close to a week ?

[Zahara]

I don't know if it's toxic, to be honest, so I'd appreciate more insight from you. TBH, he's been under a lot of stress at work, so I should have been more patient, but what's done is done. I just want to know if there's a way to mend this, because we have been together a year and I really do love this man. Also, IF it is not meant to be, I'll have to accept that, too, but what really hurts is how badly it ended (if it is indeed the ending). I would much rather part on good terms ... is there a way to do that ? As Basil says, my language was awful and my apology acknowledged that, so I don't know what else to say / do ? Short of riding a time machine back to last Wednesday and preventing that moment from ever occurring !

 

Nothing more you can do. It takes two people to part on good terms.

[GoneOrNot]

Respecting his feelings brought you to apologise, but you didn't respect him when you were so rude to him. And he knows this.

 

Yes, I wasn't respectful of his POOR BEHAVIOR in neglecting to thank you (especially since I did most of the donkey work to fix the trouble at his work).

 

 

An apology isn't something we do because we respect the other person, it's what we do when we've been wrong. We should even apologise to someone we have zero respect for if we've been wrong.

 

If we've forgiven a partner in the past, it does not mean that they have to forgive us because each have different breaking points. It's crucial to remember that an apology does not undo the thing we said or did.

 

So you just never let it go ? As in, no one else has EVER made a mistake, or snaps at all or exercises poor judgment in the heat of the moment ?

[Zahara]

Which is by ignoring my attempts to communicate for close to a week ?

 

Yes. It's his prerogative. It may be wrong in your eyes and if it is, take your next step. But you can't sit there and dictate how someone needs to handle a situation just because it doesn't sit well with you. Just as he had no control over how you behaved, you have no control over how he's behaving.

[GoneOrNot]

Yes. It's his prerogative. It may be wrong in your eyes and if it is, take your next step. But you can't sit there and dictate how someone needs to handle a situation just because it doesn't sit well with you. Just as he had no control over how you behaved, you have no control over how he's behaving.

 

No, it's not. We shared a year together. Two wrongs don't make a right, no matter HOW wrong I was ! Even if everything is 200% my fault all of the time, he can be the bigger, better person... no harm in expecting that.

Edited September 7, 2016 by GoneOrNot

[GoneOrNot]

I am not sure what your advise is, Basil. Do you have any suggestions on what else to do to make this work or not, esp. since I have already acknowledged having "started it" ?

[wow123]

No, it's not. We shared a year together. Two wrongs don't make a right, no matter HOW wrong I was ! Even if everything is 200% my fault all of the time, he can be the bigger, better person... no harm in expecting that.

 

Wonder why he doesn't want to talk to you?

[Zahara]

Wow, so it's all my fault now ?

 

OP, I can see why you are where you are. You come off defensive and quick to draw. Please sit back and try and digest what's being said.

 

No one is saying its all your fault. You are projecting what "respect" entails based on how you are perceiving this situation and based on how you are feeling at this moment. You are entitled to do whatever it is you want to in terms of how you want to handle him. And he's entitled to do the same. His way of dealing with your disrespect is to ignore/cut you out. Its wrong but you can't control how he's handling it. And you can't project a tit for tat. Just because I apologize, then he needs to talk to me. It doesn't work that way sometimes.

 

If sitting around a week is disrespectful, then it's up to you to take the next step in preserving your emotional and mental state.

[GoneOrNot]

Wonder why he doesn't want to talk to you?

 

No. I am hurting and needed advise. Instead, I sense attacks all around.