Apparently I am SUCH an awful person [update: It's done and he's GONE]

[basil67]

How do you stop feeling lower than pond scum? By reminding yourself that he had spent the month prior to your blow up demonstrating that he has poor stress coping skills and would be a PIA long term.

 

If a partner does not bring out our best, we are better off without them.

[GoneOrNot]

I had a lovely morning, antiques hunting with my senior neighbor and we came back with some good stuff.

 

HOWEVER, that "good time" feeling has worn off and I am sitting here, eating lunch alone when this should have been "our" weekend together. I am wondering where he is and what he's up to, because his son with his mother, so he's all alone.. and my mind is starting to get angry and anxious all over again.

 

He texted me twice today, keeping it all strictly about our business plan. So, he plans to communicate with me but wants me as a business partner now, not an intimate one ? WHY ? If he's truly done with me, then why not just cut me loose instead of playing these head games ? Both were response texts, btw, after I initiated them - I went psycho a bit and sent a bunch of texts yesterday, some about business and some personal, and he ignored ALL the personal ones and only responded to work-related ones. The first text today came when I was helping my elderly neighbor load her treasures into her trunk, so I didn't really react to it. The other text came right after I came home (just a little bit ago) and it feels like a punch to the gut. He can talk but only about work ? Is this a mind-game ? It's not like he cannot get other "partners" (I was going to be a working partner only, not investing financially in the business), so he can always go and hire someone else, so why me ?

 

I know y'all probably think I am sappy and weak and need to grow up but I am crying again because I just don't know what his intentions are or even if they are good. My gut is saying he's not really done with me and is doing this to teach me a lesson to watch my temper. If he was truly done. surely he'd be ignoring everything - business texts, personal texts, business-cum-personal etc etc etc. Selective responding is still responding with a sub-text to watch my tongue from now on. At least that is my read on this.

 

What do you all think ? Help !

Edited September 10, 2016 by GoneOrNot

[springy]

I think you should exit the business partnership and let him figure out the rest on his own. Stop torturing yourself by continuing to communicate with him.

[Zahara]

At this point there are no good intentions on his part. It's cruel especially knowing how affected you are by this. There are healthier ways to deal with this 1) if he's done, then be done 2) if he's not and wants to give you a chance communicate 3) if he's still pissed, then communicate.

 

Exit the business relationship. He knows you are baiting him and he knows YOU are staying around for him. Pick up your self-respect and cut ties with him.

 

A few reasons why he's still responding about business 1) you're familiar with the business so it's easier dealing with you than a new person 2) no sweat off his back if he's not emotionally affected by you existing in his view as long as work gets done 3) he likes seeing you squirm 4) to punish you. All not good.

 

Instead of asking why he's hanging around, why are you? Don't teach people how to treat you poorly.

[spiderowl]

I really would not recommend that you get involved with him as a business partner. It would be too painful. I can completely understand your impulses to text him. You are hurting and it is hard to take in what has happened at the moment. I don't think any good can come of keeping in touch with him. He is making a point of just keeping it as business and that is almost a form of punishment. I would just drop this business partner like a hot brick and leave him feeling how you felt. What is the point of maintaining any kind of correspondence with him?

 

You deserve better. There were already problems and you were having to try to get his attention while he focused on work. He didn't acknowledge your support. I know a sarcastic response to that omission was not a good idea but you know that. Break-ups happen for a reason - if people are unhappy, eventually that unhappiness surfaces and one or the other says something that could be interpreted as 'beyond the pale', but it is a symptom of problems not the cause of a break-up.

 

Look after yourself. Take your self-respect back from this guy and refuse to engage with him. Don't teach him he can punish you and still maintain contact or have your support. You deserve someone loving and supportive who does acknowledge you.

[BC1980]

If you can't handle him communicating with you only about business, then you don't need to go into business with him. It's obviously too much for you emotionally, as it would be for most anyone. I can't imagine being in business with an ex after a breakup. He is only communicating about business, so that is what he wants.

[BC1980]

HOWEVER, that "good time" feeling has worn off and I am sitting here, eating lunch alone when this should have been "our" weekend together. I am wondering where he is and what he's up to, because his son with his mother, so he's all alone.. and my mind is starting to get angry and anxious all over again.

 

Yeah, that's the reality setting in. The actual breakup and the subsequent time of LC is not the most difficult. You are still in a state of shock/denial, so you are running off of those emotions. All of these back and forth texts that are drama filled will end at some point, and the most difficult part will come when you have to learn to live your day to day life without him. When he never texts you again, and it's quiet and you realize you are alone with your emotions. That's where the really difficult part comes in. The days where you wake up and it hits you, and you are alone living your daily life, trying to walk your way through creating a new life. The longer you stay in contact, the longer it takes to grieve this loss.

[GoneOrNot]

Today is officially start of cold, hard NC. I want to take the next 30 to 45 days to work on myself... I've gained a little weight from eating out at restaurants far too much (traveling job) and living out of a suitcase, so exercise and getting fit is my top priority now. My house also needs a good decluttering and I am thinking of giving some stuff away, selling some things, and putting some others into storage - and then sell / donate if I don't have any use for them in the next several months. I am far too unhealthy (physically and emotionally) to be in this relationship anymore.

 

As for him - he needs to start looking for a new "business partner" TODAY. I deleted his number from my phone (although it's etched in my memory) to prevent me from text bombing him. He will eventually get the idea that I am no partner to him anymore - personal or professional.

[GoneOrNot]

I am just so confused, overwhelmed but also very happy. He FINALLY reached out and we had a frank phone call. He let me know that my outburst really hurt him, and how he just thought that as his GF, I didn't need "credit" or validation, and that my horrible language just cut him to the core. He is still hurt, but he wants to work things out - he acknowledges that he's been really stressed these past couple of months. I asked him if we were done, and he said NO, but he wants to go slow. I asked him what that meant and he said that we needed to rebuild the RL again because of all the quarrels and disagreements and blow-ups we've had since July.

 

I really want to give this a shot. As I've said before, I need to work on my temper and my potty mouth and am OK with restarting again, and giving this another shot. What's a few more months of my life, when this guy matters so much to me ?

 

I just need help. What should I do and how should I heal this relationship ? Obviously I can't be the only one "fixing" myself - I do plan on asking him how he plans to "work" on "things", too, but I really need help and advise. I'll be travelling the rest of the week, so we will be in limited contact -- which might help with the cool-off a bit ?

 

Any advise for me ? Thanks !

[Satu]

snip

 

Any advise for me ? Thanks !

 

You should both make an agreement to avoid harsh or emotionally violent speech.

 

It's a relationship killer.

 

It never helps, and always hurts.

 

Learn to be respectful even when you're angry.

 

 

Good luck!

[GoneOrNot]

snip

 

 

 

You should both make an agreement to avoid harsh or emotionally violent speech.

 

It's a relationship killer.

 

It never helps, and always hurts.

 

Learn to be respectful even when you're angry.

 

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you, satu. I've learned my lesson the hard way and was devastated when I thought he was gone. I will never be quite so vicious in my language again -- he has feelings and does not deserve to be berated at a time of great personal stress. That's not what a loving partner does and I'm ashamed of how I've treated him, no matter if / how I felt he'd somehow "wronged" me.

 

Do you have any advise on how to go "slow" ? Is that man-speak for anything that I am unaware of ? Help !

[stillafool]

You should ask him what he means by going "slow". To me it means let's date and see if we want a relationship. You said he is already calling you his gf so who knows what he means. I think you need to ask him this question because he's the only one who seems to know the meaning.

[Zahara]

Communicating. Silencing a partner for weeks because you are hurt isn't healthy. If there is a need for space and time, it needs to be communicated. You don't disappear because you choose to punish or passive aggressively teach the other a lesson. He needs to know how to handle conflict appropriately.

 

I think "slow" means you're still on probationary period. Or maybe he's still unsure whether this will work out because he's skeptical about change so maybe the frequency of seeing each other/communicating will lessen for a bit so that he can decide where he wants to go with this. But you both already see so little of each other.

 

We can all speculate but you won't get answers unless you talk to him. If you want to know what "slow" means, you must ask him.

Edited September 15, 2016 by Zahara

[GoneOrNot]

I finally had enough and called him out on his "ignoring game". Apparently, DUH, he thought it was all just a joke and "games" that all partners play. Well... er... NO. We had a huge blow out over the weekend and we're both DONE. In a way, I am relieved. It was traumatic trying to get him to communicate and swinging from walking on eggshells around to him to screaming at him. This emotional roller coaster was not one I wanted to be on, and I am relieved that we're done. I sent him one text and one FB message, telling him that - as always - I apologize for my language but not for the content I related to him during our weekend meeting and never heard back from him. He - as usual - hasn't even bothered to open my FB message, but that's OK because yes, it's done. I can't do this anymore and I need someone more emotionally mature and more communicative. Not someone so immature, unavailable and incapable of communicating.

 

I've been crying a lot these past two days. I am home again this week and feeling numb and sad. I don't know when this pain will go away but I have nothing to look forward to but more stable emotions -- I really was so done with the emotional upheavals that this so-called "relationship" caused in me these past two months. It was traumatic, and I am glad we're done. I wish him the best but can't stop crying. What gives ?

[HumanMachine]

I have absolutely no idea what you're going on about, but go nc and stay strong.

[Formerfiveo]

What happened to taking things slow?

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. Time to focus on yourself and find out what makes you happy.

[lilmissjava]

Time is your only ally here.

 

Had you kept up with your gold star calendar you would have started to forget to post them by now.

 

Everyone here knows what you are going through and there are no more stabs at this. Keep your pride and self-respect and go NC, keep on with NC, keep coming back here and learn all you can about who you are all over again.

 

It is totally fine to grieve the relationship, but don't reach out anymore. It will take some time to know that he actually wasn't your one great love.

 

I wish you luck!

[GoneOrNot]

Time is your only ally here.

 

Had you kept up with your gold star calendar you would have started to forget to post them by now.

 

Everyone here knows what you are going through and there are no more stabs at this. Keep your pride and self-respect and go NC, keep on with NC, keep coming back here and learn all you can about who you are all over again.

 

It is totally fine to grieve the relationship, but don't reach out anymore. It will take some time to know that he actually wasn't your one great love.

 

I wish you luck!

 

Thank you. No, I didn't keep the gold star calendar because he reached out, wanted to try again, and go "slowwwwwwwwwly". What I didn't realize was that "slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwly" was basically code for, "I'll be a non-communicative ******* who'll play head games with you and you've gotta suck it up because you had a outburst that almost caused me to want to end this. I'm giving you another chance to mend yourself, but I won't fix my own inability to communicate, resolve conflicts positively or even respect your needs or feelings.. it's all about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee because I know you are hung up on me !"

 

I tried my damndest to make it work because I felt so guilty over what almost led to our break-up the last time and took a lot of crap for 2 weeks, but enough was enough. I just got so tired and emotionally exhausted with his inability to communicate (I was initiating EVERYTHING these past couple of weeks) that I can't do this anymore. No, he's not the great love of my life. He's just relationship Karma I had to survive for a whole year and I'm ready to move on now. But it still hurts to think of how he treated me and how he tried to blame me for EVERYTHING.

 

And when the end came, it didn't come easily. It was a screaming fit and we said some nasty things to each other, and it's done now. I'm never going back plus he's DONE. I suspect he's already moved on to someone else even... who knows ? Who cares ? I just want to move on and get my life back again. This "relationship" has broken me completely and my self-esteem has gone on a nose dive. I feel like a loser. He's gone, and took my soul with him. I'm not trying to be dramatic but this horrific dark place I find myself in isn't LIFE. It's the bottom-most pit in Hell.

[AT15]

Take special care of your heart. One day at a time. Breath deep thru the pain. It will hurt like hell in the beginning, but you will get to the other side, with a few bumps and bruises, but they will eventually heal ❤️

[ChickiePops]

I have absolutely no idea what you're going on about, but go nc and stay strong.

 

If you're not going to bother reading a thread then why respond to it?

 

OP, I'm so sorry it ended this way..but I'm also not. He was very clearly playing the victim and playing mind games with you and you are a strong lady to have seen it and ended things! A lot of people would have continued walking on those eggshells for years. I've done it myself!

 

Good for you!! You'll find someone more deserving.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry this has happened, OP.

 

It sounds to me like he was looking for a way to end the relationship. And this was his exit strategy,

[GoneOrNot]

Yes... he pulled the slowwwwwwwwwwwwwww fade until I had to step up and end it. It was such a horrific couple of weeks and every day I cried because I didn't know how he would be with / toward me that day. I also regret saying some horrible, nasty things and ultimately it just wasn't meant to be.

 

I can't stop feeling numb though. My brain knows this was the only possible outcome as the relationship had turned extremely toxic, but my heart longs for him to come back and be the guy he was this time last year when we were just so happy together.

[GoneOrNot]

As a woman, I know MY answer to this question, and, of course, I cannot speak for ALL women. But deep in my heart, I can never fully dislike - leave alone hate - my ex. I will always think of him with love and our recently ended relationship with regret because there was a time I firmly believed that he was the great love of my life. A lot of hurtful, angry and devastating things were said -- mostly by me -- and a lot of hurtful, angry and devastating things were DONE by him. The more he withdrew and played his games, the angrier I got and I just burst out one day and said things - including calling him a cowardly jerk - which I believe most men would never forget. I also questioned his volunteer work during the Haiti earthquake, saying he only did it to get his name in our (small town) local newspaper. How do I feel after destroying him like that ? Like lower than pond scum. How did he react to my attempts to get him to communicate ? Like I was lower than pond scum.

 

This has been the ongoing dynamics in our (now dead) relationship and I'm moving on. But I need to heal and I need to know if men ever forgive their ex-es, even when the end was ACRIMONIOUS (and that's putting it MILDLY). As I said, I live in a small town and we will quite likely run into each other very often. I want to be able to look at him and be civil and I don't want HIM to look at me with hatred and anger. Word gets around and we have to live our lives, right ? I grew up in this town and inherited a home here, so moving is not an option. This place is HOME, just like he grew up here and now runs a business here and is active in our local community actively with his son -- so this is HOME for him, too !

 

Please advise. Can we ever be acquaintances (even if not friends) ever again even though we both pretty much tore each other to shreds in the process of breaking-up ? If there was any love at any point of time towards your girlfriend, can you eventually forgive her and be able to communicate with her (as neighbors, community members etc) EVENTUALLY ? I don't intend on contacting him for the next several months -- we both need to heel and NC began Monday, so no intention of breaking it until at least the New Year.

 

TIA for your feedback.

[SammySammy]

I always forgive my exes. Always.

 

My exes are remarkable women though. That's why I was with them. It'll be hard and pointless to dislike them forever.

 

With that said, I have no direct contact with any of them. Except one who refuses to leave me alone.

 

I've never had a breakup where we tried to destroy each other. There have been some hurt feelings and even bitter words said, but never to that level. Even in my divorce.

 

It's possible that he can forgive you, but that doesn't mean you will be a part of his life. That may be over and done with.

 

And that may be a good thing.

[RyanO1991]

As a woman, I know MY answer to this question, and, of course, I cannot speak for ALL women. But deep in my heart, I can never fully dislike - leave alone hate - my ex. I will always think of him with love and our recently ended relationship with regret because there was a time I firmly believed that he was the great love of my life. A lot of hurtful, angry and devastating things were said -- mostly by me -- and a lot of hurtful, angry and devastating things were DONE by him. The more he withdrew and played his games, the angrier I got and I just burst out one day and said things - including calling him a cowardly jerk - which I believe most men would never forget. I also questioned his volunteer work during the Haiti earthquake, saying he only did it to get his name in our (small town) local newspaper. How do I feel after destroying him like that ? Like lower than pond scum. How did he react to my attempts to get him to communicate ? Like I was lower than pond scum.

 

This has been the ongoing dynamics in our (now dead) relationship and I'm moving on. But I need to heal and I need to know if men ever forgive their ex-es, even when the end was ACRIMONIOUS (and that's putting it MILDLY). As I said, I live in a small town and we will quite likely run into each other very often. I want to be able to look at him and be civil and I don't want HIM to look at me with hatred and anger. Word gets around and we have to live our lives, right ? I grew up in this town and inherited a home here, so moving is not an option. This place is HOME, just like he grew up here and now runs a business here and is active in our local community actively with his son -- so this is HOME for him, too !

 

Please advise. Can we ever be acquaintances (even if not friends) ever again even though we both pretty much tore each other to shreds in the process of breaking-up ? If there was any love at any point of time towards your girlfriend, can you eventually forgive her and be able to communicate with her (as neighbors, community members etc) EVENTUALLY ? I don't intend on contacting him for the next several months -- we both need to heel and NC began Monday, so no intention of breaking it until at least the New Year.

 

TIA for your feedback.

 

I really think it depends on the person. As a guy, personally I'd be able to forgive things said in the heat of the moment over time - people say things that they don't mean. It's actions I would find very hard to forgive.

Edited October 5, 2016 by RyanO1991