What shall I do with my separated wife?

[mmx7979]

Hi Everybody,

my situtation is as following.

My wife (32y) broke up with me (36y) the 1.st of may this year because she was unhappy and moved out the 1.august. We were together for 7 years. During post break up she acted cold towards me and made it quite clear that she wants to move on by deleting pictures of our wedding in FB, change back to her maden name in all other social media aso. Nevertheless we had contact here and there because of practical stuff.

 

She blamed me for everything what went wrong and is/was kind of hating me first time we meet two weeks after she moved out. The meeting was just about how to split our belongings (we have an appartment together). I have to admit that I tried every tactic possible like begging, writing letters and trying to talk sense into her and of course it didn't work. Now, this week we had a bank appointment because of our apartment but this time I felt more confident with myself (I have been working out a lot, lost a huge amount of weight, went to see a psychologist, started meditating and read a lot of selvhelping books).

 

After the meeting I was making clear to her that I was a mess after the break up and felt like she was a bad person doing all those things. I was acting jealous and controlling and apologized for not showing her respect. She was really happy to hear this. I mentioned as well that I know that I have to let her go because I love her and want her to find happyness. She actually responded that she was not happy at all and is still a big mess in her head (obviously now she sees the signs of not beeing together after a summer with going out a lot with her friends).

 

I requested a period of no contact for 1 month in order to settle our minds and that I do not want to wait for her anymore and that I will move on. After I told her that she came towards me and gave me a very long hug (it felt so good) and was in overall very warm with me. Talking about her personal life and I was making quite some jokes and teased her. She was smiling a lot and when we parted she was looking at me while leaving. Now, my questions is....(I really love my wife and want her back of course), how shall I proceed? We are texting occasionally but not personal stuff and we have a new meeting next week with the bank. Shall I try to kiss her? I do not want to act cold towards her because this is not how I feel and she is the love of my life.

 

Can you guys/girls please give me some input? I know she doesn't see anyone for sure. She is now renting a room with a girl here in town but I see that she is not really liking it....it is now over 4 months ago since the break up....Now, I feel that I finally come out of this black emotional hole is was in for the last months and feel already better, confident aso.

Edited September 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and merge threads

[Mr. Lucky]

Why was your wife unhappy enough to leave the marriage?

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited September 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lowrider93]

Begging and pleading and telling her what a mess you have been will have a negative effect on your outcome, show her that you are able to get along fine without her.

 

Did she just leave, or did she try working out her problems with you?

 

What are her issues with you?

 

She is not happy with or without you, she needs to talk to a professional about that. Otherwise the pattern will continue.

 

Best of luck to you

[mmx7979]

thanks for all you replies :-)

 

The biggest issue in our marriage was that we were not good in communicating our feelings to each other. I was criticizing her a lot in the end and as well as the past year felt like that we are not going anywhere if you know what I mean. I was kind of depressed and was not able to get out of it. We were living kinda of together as brother and sister.

 

She left me but she is very emotional and it feels like that she is not very sure with her decision.

 

Yeah, i was telling her that I was a mess and she agreed upon that. Nevertheless I came out of all the negativity while she is still stucked. Well, I was working on myself alot while she did not much beside moving out and trying to get new friends. Those new friends are after all not so good friends since she is still a mess inside her head. Looks like those friends and not really available when it comes talking emotions - they are rather fun loving.

 

I forgot to say that when we were meeting I told her that we are a very good match and 100% compatible which she replied positivly to. I told her to that I believe that we can work out those issues.

[elaine567]

You cannot erase all the bad stuff that caused her to leave the marriage by working out, looking better and saying you are a better person and over her. It must have been pretty bad on her end, for her to leave you, so what were the issues in your marriage?

 

She may indeed be liking the new you better but unfortunately that may not mean she ever wants you back. Dumpers often like to be friends with the dumpee, so that may be all this is.

It may be significant that when you said you were moving on she smiled and hugged you. A person who wants you back would have been upset at that news, but she seems happy that you are over her.

 

If you truly want her back then why did you propose NC and tell her you will not wait any longer for her and that you have moved on, sounds a bit counter productive to me.

NC yes, give her time to miss you but you qualified that with closing the door shut completely.

[mmx7979]

Maybe I'm not so good with explaining myself. I have told her that I want to be with her and that I believe that we can resolve the problems we had in our marriage but I added that I cannot wait for her indefinitely and that I will have to move on if she is not willing to make steps towards me and that not being in contact for a month will allow her to get clearer in her mind.

 

It feels like that she now after 4 months starts realizing the consequences of her descion to leave me and she is not happy at all and that I was NOT the reason of her unhappiness (at least not entirely).

 

I have no idea how I should approach it because for me I want to be withealthy her for the rest of my life and I love her so much. But she hardly initiates contact with me. It is usually about something she wants. Only lately (the last 7 days) she makes lame excuses to call me or sends me weired links on Facebook messenger. She even wants to pass by one day because there is a painting at home she wants to have ( another excuse to be on contact). Shall I talk to her? I mean I have made it more than obvious that I want to be with her.

[elaine567]

But she hardly initiates contact with me. It is usually about something she wants. Only lately (the last 7 days) she makes lame excuses to call me or sends me weired links on Facebook messenger. She even wants to pass by one day because there is a painting at home she wants to have ( another excuse to be on contact). Shall I talk to her? I mean I have made it more than obvious that I want to be with her.

 

Yes, this may be her way of trying to link up with you again, but it may be just that she knows you you are no longer an emotional wreck and hostile to her, so is reaching out to you "as a friend" because she is lonely.

I know I may sound a bit negative but too many here get their hopes up in this sort of scenario, to find she is next going cold (after getting as far as kissing or even sex), or she gets so comfortable she is discussing her dating options with her new "best friend" ie you.

Be careful.

[mmx7979]

thanks Elaine :-),

I have descided to pass by her place monday morning in order leave a rose in front of her door with a little cards just saying "a red rose for you". I really want to cheer her up. When I will meet her next thursday I hope she will have a little bit of time talking to me. Maybe I should try to hold her hand and see how it is going?

I made clear to her that i do not want to be a friend and fortunately she is far away from dating emotionally.

 

What do you think about my plan?

[Lowrider93]

If she really wants to work it out she will waste no time in returning home to you, if she doesn't, she will continue looking for happiness outside of your relationship.

 

Be prepared for the worst case scenario.

[Marc878]

Don't get your hopes up. A separation usually serves two purposes.

 

Prep for divorce or more time for another man

 

Check your phone bill online if you have a shared plan

[road]

Don't get your hopes up. A separation usually serves two purposes.

 

Prep for divorce or more time for another man

 

Check your phone bill online if you have a shared plan

 

As a rule wives do not leave husbands unless they have a replacement already lined up.

 

 

Dollars to doughnuts your WW left you because she had already started an affair.

 

 

Do your research. Go over phone bills, get copies of texts sent, have a forensic search done on your computer.

[Marc878]

If she's in an affair nothing you can do will help unless the affair ends.

 

Nothing.

[mmx7979]

She didn't left me because of somebody else because she was making a kind of bucket list and on this it was standing that she wants to find the right guy but when she did it she was very emotional as well. Her reasons were as stated that I was too negative and critsized her a lot. As well she said that we started to live apart for the past year. She got into this bull**** of this Louis Hay who talks about to make changes in your life when you are not satisfied as well as leave all the people who might influence you negatively even though it's family. I saw a lot of journals from her in which she mentioned a lot about "the secret". If you really want something you have to go for it. My wife us very easy to influence and naiv.

 

Well she changed a lot since - like going out a lot ( she never had the opportunity to do this when she was younger because she was kind of nerd), as well she got a lot into Buddhism, became a vegetarian and changed her appearance but last time I saw her she looks like she did when we were together.

 

I' m very lost since when she sees that I have fun (me posting something positive like a nice pic on FB) I got a link from her right after about how to stop smoking. It's like she wants to show that she is still there and when I do not respond she would send me sms a say after about things she forgot when moving out or her waiting for a letter aso. But never anything personal and a nice gesture. My friend has the opinion that she wants me to want her but do not wants to be together. It's kind of confusing but all this helps me not to think so much about her because I get mad about it.

 

I wonder to implement the NC to show her how life is without me being in it. Looks like she is and was taking me for granted because I helped her with everything and she has hardly knowledge abut the life outside because she was always relying on me with everything.

 

I was never lying to her, neither cheated or be violent to her. I actually run the whole household even though I was the breadwinner for the most of the time during our marriage.

[S2B]

Get busy living and moving forward on your own.

She's planning her future without you.

 

Acceptance will help you...accept that it's over and move forward.

[standtall]

This one is most likely over. Women do not love men they do not respect...you proved that when you stopped being her safety net doormat.... she started responding to you better. I am with the others here...most women do not leave marriages without another lined up. Find another.

[mmx7979]

I believe if she would have left me for another guy she would have cut off all contact with me and she wouldn't be as available meaning when I call her (any time) or write her messages I get answers right away. She is not a cheating type at all since she has experienced it on her own before with her ex many years ago.

 

She still has a lot of her belongings in our apartment. I believe that she went through a personal crizes. She got a new job a year ago and is doing very well carrierwise and I believe that she felt stuck with me because I didn't had any drive to go further in my career. I'm just an IT consultant and wouldn't try to get a higher position. My wife is a very driven person always seeking to go up the lader.

[mmx7979]

Hey guys, it has been now 4 month since my wife broke up with me and 6 weeks since she moved out (only a few of her belongings are still at home).

 

We have only LC during this period but it's only about practical issues but I tried everything possible to have a chance of reconsiliation (second chance). When I think back absolutely nothing comes from her side - not even warm words.

 

We were married for 7 years and her reason to leave was that she was unhappy the past 12 month and that we started to live apart. Didn't see it coming. She is 32 and I'm 37.

 

I read many stories about people who broke up but still have some kind of regrets and sadness in themselves both dumper and dumpee. And then I see my wife just moving on and not looking back.

 

I asked her several times if she had a new guy but she says that she doesn't.

 

Will she ever change her mind or at least text me something like "I miss you" or "how are you"? Last time I spoke to her she said that she is still unhappy and life is tough.

 

Never cheated on her, never lied about big issues nor treated her violently. The worst I did was being critical and negative. I'm so lost - according to her I was the love of her life and that she blames me for everything what went wrong.

[Marc878]

You're in denial. Cheaters lie, hide, deny. A lot!!!!

[Thatoneguy55]

Sounds like you are in denial on this one, sorry. There is almost no chance she isn't getting laid.

 

Someone came along and showed her that "spark" feeling that you guys initially had but faded. It doesn't mean she cheated, but the separation took care of that issue.

 

We aren't being cruel. Read more threads on this forum. Your situation is practically text-book. Good luck bud.

[Alltohim]

I would suggest Counseling for you andyour wife, especially where you still love her. She had a rough timeearly on in her life and is probably bringing it along with her. You've said that you're happy with her and she's happy to be with youwhen you're together and if she's willing to do the counseling allthe better. Don't give up quite yet, your relationship is stillimportant.

[Just a Guy]

Hi MMX7979, sad situation for you. What the others have advised seems to be very true in your case. Your wife has some one else in the wings. You told her that you wer going to move on and that you loved her and wanted her to be happy and so you would not tie her down. That was an excellent decision or, at least, a line of thinking. Now go ahead and actually implement it. sometimes you have to be prepared to lose your marriage to save it. If she is sitting on the fence as far as you are concerned then only if you actually show her that you are moving on will she get off that fence and come running back to you.

 

One other thing you mentioned in passing was that she is driven whereas you are not. why is that? I think that may be one of the important reasons why she has lost respect for you. If she herself is ambitious but finds you to be lacking in ambition then that would have been the killer for her and she may look for some one who is more ambitious and is a go getter. If you want to impress her then become ambitious yourself and improve your qualifications and try for a better more highly paid job. If she sees you doing well and going places that will have a profound effect on her and she may make an effort to get back with you. Also, do not keep pining for her. Look out for new friends for yourself and see if you can start dating yourself. If she sees that you are not waiting around for her and that she has competition she may be motivated to try and get back with you. Of course this is assuming that she does not already have her Prince Charming, in which case she may just express happiness for you. Hope some of this helps. Cheers.

[Bufo]

I'm a simple minded type of guy so I think in simple terms. She wasn't happy when you were together. She's not happy now that you are apart. What has changed in her since you split that makes you think she will be happy if you get back together?

 

Unless you want to play a lifelong game of "what will make her happy today?" you should think long and hard about reconciliation now.

 

As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for.

[notbroken]

Why do you want to be with a woman that doesn't want to be with you? Life is short. Too short to be with someone you have to beg to come back (which usually doesn't work and even if it did likely won't work out - she has to want it not you). Find someone that thinks you are the greatest. They are out there. Likely not even rare. You are a young guy with a decent job (don't let her convince you otherwise).

 

If you do go back with her you will forever live in fear of her running off again. Don't choose to live like that. Move on the best you can. Be awesome.

Go no contact. Seem disinterested in her. Tell her you have decided that you only want to be with someone that wants to be there and you are moving on. Tell her you are in a good place and hope she can find it too (even if it is not true).

 

Best wishes.

[Just a Guy]

Hi MMX, How are you doing? Any up date on your situation? Hope all is well with you. Warm wishes.

[mmx7979]

Hey guys, it has been a few weeks since I posted but I was thinking to hold you up to date.

Since I have seen that absolutely nothing comes from her side I started to date again and I had like 20 dates the last two months. Some were really nice and some were not that good. The girls I liked didn't wanted to have a second date and those who liked me I was not interested. But besides that my wife started contacting me again in a very casual way asking me how I was doing. I only kept my answers short - seems like she is smelling that I'm moving on. She posted a few days ago a picture of herself and her mentor on FB (some young dude) and wrote me a msg in the same day that there is nothing going on with them. I only replied to her "OK, why do you tell me?" and her response was "no reason". Yeah right, sounds like someone tries to keep me warm. Well, nevertheless I'm very confused since she started texting me again - I kept radio silence for more than 7 weeks. I don't know if I should proceed the way until I did now or make a move on her again? I am just back from a second date with a girl I really like and we had a good time but I see that I'm not totally available emotionally and honestly I do not even know if that girl wants a third date. I just can tell you guys that dating really sucks when you are 37. It's like going to an interview and you do not know if you have passed the first or second round and not to mention how much this all costs. Just tonight I had to blew like 200$. I'm honestly very lost. So to get out of it I purchased a trip to Japan in December. I'm mentally everywhere but nowhere. There are good days but many bad days too especially when my wife contacts me and I have no clue how to respond to that ?