Haven't heard from him after our first date

[rose27]

This is just a bit of a rant, but feel free to offer an opinion or advice. I've been out of a relationship for a couple of months now and I've decided to get back into the dating scene even though a part of me is a bit cynical about love. I would love to meet someone I can settle down with because I'm not getting any younger, but it's not so simple these days. I was in my last relationship for only 2 months, but I have had some issues moving on because we work together and I know I need to focus my energy on something else. A few friends have suggested getting back into the dating scene and I finally took the plunge and went out with someone last night.

 

We met online and I did not have any expectations, but he really surprised me. We seemed to click very well and we shared many of the same interests. I find it hard to meet people I can relate to and who are like-minded, so it was really refreshing for me. We did kiss after the date but I didn't sleep with him. I sent him a text later in the morning to say that thanks for the drinks and good company, and we should do it again some time. It's almost been a whole day and no response.

 

I don't want to be one of those crazy girls who overthinks things, but I am taking this really personally. This is probably why I've avoided getting back out there. I know this is what dating is all about, but I am tired. I am sick of being hurt or not being good enough. I just want someone to say 'YES, I WANT YOU' instead of 'I'm too busy right now' or 'I'm not sure what I want'. I'm so over it.

[Toodaloo]

You need to change your mindset on this...

 

You are not in a good place to date because you will be rejected. Most of the time its nothing nasty or any reflection on you its just something that doesn't quite sit right.

 

For example I went on a date with a guy who seemed to think we were a wonderful match. The date went well but me? I actually didn't like him very much at all. Oh I could see how someone else would but me? Nah, sod that. It was a few things. One - he wouldn't shut up. Now a shy person would love that. Two - he wasn't gentlemanly in small ways. Another person wouldn't notice those things. Three - he asked a question which while perfectly fine demonstrated that he would never "get" me or understand why I do what I do. I could see that he just didn't understand my answer either.

 

So while a perfectly pleasant chap and not offensive there was no hope in hell of a second date. I thanked him for the date and said that I didn't want to see him again. He then went on and on and on for months.

 

When you have been dating a while that behavior you realise is quite "normal". So you develop the habit of just going quiet when you don't want to see people again.

 

Don't take it to heart. Develop a pragmatic mindset and then try again.

[Arieswoman]

rose27,

I know where you're coming from because I've been there and know how frustrating it is.

 

When I was divorced and dating I had some really nice dates and the guy would say "I'll call you" and never did. I tried calling them, we had a nice chat and then they said "I'll call you" - and never did.

 

Like you, I just wish guys would just be honest and say "Thanks for a nice date, but I don't want to take this any further" - but they don't.

 

On the other hand if the boot was on the other foot, I would tell them straight (without being nasty or rude) that I didn't feel we had a future.

 

I had to learn that if they don't call, then it's not about you and you shouldn't take it personally. It's their choice which has nothing to do with you.

 

Just keep dating and keep moving.

If they haven't called within a couple of days then put them on the 'back burner' and make other plans. Then if they do call later, it's your choice as to what you do.

If there's been no contact after a week, delete and forget about them.

 

Now maybe it's because I'm English or maybe because I'm old fashioned, but I wouldn't kiss a guy on a first date. That's because I didn't snog strangers.

 

It's a numbers game, so keep going. x

[smudge21]

You're projecting your past onto your present and in turn affecting your future. If nothing comes of this one (it's only been a day, but I personal would always reply to someone following a date, even if nothing went any further) then take a bit more time for yourself to clear those past memories away. Nothing worse then over thinking everything but we do that after we've been let down and hurt. It can take a long time until we're clear headed enough to see people as individuals rather than comparing them to those that have come before.

[Satu]

Are you really ready to date?

 

 

From my journal:

 

 

"Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. Some short term counselling if that appeals to you.

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do."

 

 

Take care.

Edited September 10, 2016 by Satu

[leogirl876]

I understand where you're coming from, but whatever you, don't call a guy after a first date. That makes you look needy and desperate. He should be calling you and winning you over. If he's not doing that, he's not worth your time. Work on your self esteem and realize YOU are the prize, not them. Go into a date seeing if you like them, not hoping they'll like you.

[Ami1uwant]

It appeared he liked you.

 

Remember you probably aren't the only one he is dating. It's possible he finds a bigger connection to someone else and dates them over you. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you.

 

Guys usually prefer to avoid texting between early dates other than texting for date planning. They want to save conversations for the date.

 

Personally I wouldn't read into your text as if you were disparate because as a woman you texted first.

[OnlyHonesty]

Perhaps one should not get back on the horse until they have recovered from the fall.

[Miss Clavel]

 

I don't want to be one of those crazy girls who overthinks things, but I am taking this really personally. This is probably why I've avoided getting back out there.

 

 

then don't be a crazy girl. and don't take it personally. it could be any number of things.

 

he's married, he's a liar, he's hiding something, you're too good for him and he knows it, he's cheap, he only wants sex, he's on parole and can't get out at night without a pass or his mommy needs "the" car.

 

like another poster said, it's a numbers game.

 

good luck

[smackie9]

***This is poof you should never dip your pen in the company ink. Never date people you work with.

 

Anyways, if you want to peak a man's interest you need to show more enthusiasm. Text right after the date (not the next day), saying" I had a wonderful time... You were like a breath of fresh air. I would love to see you again..............". (What the hell, lay it on thick for good measure). If there is no response, dump the chump.

[katiegrl]

***This is poof you should never dip your pen in the company ink. Never date people you work with.

 

Anyways, if you want to peak a man's interest you need to show more enthusiasm. Text right after the date (not the next day), saying" I had a wonderful time... You were like a breath of fresh air. I would love to see you again..............". (What the hell, lay it on thick for good measure). If there is no response, dump the chump.

 

Wow, this is the exact opposite of what leogirl posted -- which was never contact a man after a date, HE should be contacting you, attempting to win you over. Contact him makes you look needy and desperate.

 

My experience -- they have contacted me and I *respond* enthusiastically. But not too much, leave room for them to still wonder about me a bit. Builds attraction.

 

smackie, laying it on thick may have worked for you but you strike me as a take charge type woman, so the men you meet who respond to that may be the more passive type.

 

I dunno just speculation.. you have been married for many many years though anyway, correct?

Edited September 10, 2016 by katiegrl

[smackie9]

There are many guys who have posted on LS how they appreciate or wish for a nice text after their date of some kind.

 

And no I have dated all kinds of men, and never once has it ever got me a negative reaction. It got me respect.

 

It's not the 1950's remember?

[smackie9]

 

I dunno just speculation.. you have been married for many many years though anyway, correct?

Yes, but what does that matter? If anything women should be more independent now a days than from over 25 years ago ...no?

[smackie9]

I have been told "You frighten me, but at the same time it's turning me on......" lol

or "Why can't more women be like you......"

 

I'm assertive, but not pushy. Push and pull method works like a charm.

[leogirl876]

Wow, this is the exact opposite of what leogirl posted -- which was never contact a man after a date, HE should be contacting you, attempting to win you over. Contact him makes you look needy and desperate.

 

My experience -- they have contacted me and I *respond* enthusiastically. But not too much, leave room for them to still wonder about me a bit. Builds attraction.

 

smackie, laying it on thick may have worked for you but you strike me as a take charge type woman, so the men you meet who respond to that may be the more passive type.

 

I dunno just speculation.. you have been married for many many years though anyway, correct?

 

I meant, don't contact him first. If he texts after a date and you had a great time and wanna see him again, then respond right away but don't text him first by "checking in" because he didn't forget about her.

[katiegrl]

I have been told "You frighten me, but at the same time it's turning me on......" lol

or "Why can't more women be like you......"

 

I'm assertive, but not pushy. Push and pull method works like a charm.

 

Oh no don't get me started on the push/pull! LOL. Yeah I know it works.

 

I am not against the woman contacting the next day.... I just never had to, cuz they always contact me FIRST.

 

I was just commenting that your response was the complete opposite of leogirl's, that's all.

 

But yeah I pretty much agree with everything you said.

 

I still believe it is good to keep him wondering a bit though, early stages...

 

Same for the man re the woman.

 

Builds attraction. MY experience.

[katiegrl]

I meant, don't contact him first. If he texts after a date and you had a great time and wanna see him again, then respond right away but don't text him first by "checking in" because he didn't forget about her.

 

leogirl, I know that is what you meant, don't contact *first* after a date. Of course reply or respond, and reciprocate.

 

What you said was opposite to what smackie said, that's all I meant, somehow my post got misinterpreted or maybe I forgot to put the word "first"..... don't know.

 

Again, I think either peson contacting *first* after the date is okay. For the woman to say thanks for the date, or for the man to say how fun it was meeting and/or to ask her out again.

[Sunkissedpatio]

You met online and that was a first meet. It's customary for the person who is less interested after that first meet to just disappear with no explanation. After one date you don't really owe each other any explanation, it's the unspoken rule: no text or contact after the night is over = no match.

 

It sounds like you might not be ready to jump in yet if you are wondering as you are and taking it personally. You will need thick skin to do OLD because that happens. The match aspect of it is much harder online.

 

I agree with Leogirl "he did not forget you exist or to contact you," he just did't feel like it. Guys usually text right away if they are thinking about you in a desirable light and mention they want to see you again (talk about future get togethers) before the date ends.

 

I'd skip this one and go on the next.

 

I'm getting back on the saddle myself, spoke to one on the phone I am supposed to go out with next week and he said a few things that didn't appeal to me. I'll probably just disappear as well.

[katiegrl]

You met online and that was a first meet. It's customary for the person who is less interested after that first meet to just disappear with no explanation. After one date you don't really owe each other any explanation, it's the unspoken rule: no text or contact after the night is over = no match.

 

It sounds like you might not be ready to jump in yet if you are wondering as you are and taking it personally. You will need thick skin to do OLD because that happens. The match aspect of it is much harder online.

 

I agree with Leogirl "he did not forget you exist or to contact you," he just did't feel like it. Guys usually text right away if they are thinking about you in a desirable light and mention they want to see you again (talk about future get togethers) before the date ends.

 

I'd skip this one and go on the next.

 

I'm getting back on the saddle myself, spoke to one on the phone I am supposed to go out with next week and he said a few things that didn't appeal to me. I'll probably just disappear as well.

 

Yeah that has been my experience too, the man has contacted me first. Either the same night after the date, or early the next day.

 

If he didn't, knowing how some men feel about it, I would send a short text thanking him, but that is IT.

 

Wait for him to respond and ask me out again.

 

Early stages!

[Dis]

Let the guy come to you...if hes interested he will

 

I never texted guys after a date...they contact me....because they're interested...your guy doesnt seem like he is otherwise he wouldve made sure to reach out to you...see if you got home safe etc

 

Like Gaeta said...he didnt forget about you...he just doesnt want to contact you

 

Maybe try to take some time to yourself right now...you seem alittle put off and hurt....which I totally understand....same boat here! I also understand that ticking clock pressure....I'm the same age as you...but if we dont heal from our pasts...nothing with work in the future

 

Best of luck to you girly!

[Sunkissedpatio]

Yup, I don't chase guys.

 

And I think most guys assume women won't chase them during those early days and that they have to make the moves even though it's 2016. So I figure if they don't chase they are not that interested.

 

This idea that maybe he is intimidated or doesn't know how to approach you is nonsense. If he made it to the first date, he knows how to go after what he wants.

 

Or the ones that text a week later are only lukewarm so I won't bother with that either.

[zivo]

Learn to love yourself and know what you are worth. Also don't take this as anything that you have done wrong at all. As I guy I actually really like when girls text me back first since it gives me some more reassurance that theres interest there. Just be yourself, if you are thinking about him and want to text him, then do it. Don't play any stupid games of ignoring and not texting to try and win him over.

 

The right guy will appreciate your texts no matter what and will engage in the conversation. At the end of the day if he still hasnt texted you for the entire day then just follow up the next day again if you really want to and ask him whats going on? I know it may sound stupid but at least you will get an answer from him and can go from there. Maybe its some completely lame excuse or it could be super valid like he went on a boat trip and forgot his phone? Who knows.

[katiegrl]

Yup, I don't chase guys.

 

And I think most guys assume women won't chase them during those early days and that they have to make the moves even though it's 2016. So I figure if they don't chase they are not that interested.

 

This idea that maybe he is intimidated or doesn't know how to approach you is nonsense. If he made it to the first date, he knows how to go after what he wants.

 

Or the ones that text a week later are only lukewarm so I won't bother with that either.

 

I am a bit confused now.

 

I don't *chase* men either, never have and never will. It is not even a game, I just don't enjoy that role.

 

And as I said, they always contact me first after a date. So no problem there.

 

BUT, let's say he did not contact first the next day, would sending a quick text thanking him be considered *chasing*?

 

Many men and even women have said men often need a green light that a woman is interested after the date, so wouldn't sending that short text thanking be a good thing? The green light he needs?

 

Nothing after that because THAT would be chasing.

 

Gaeta? I think you have said this is okay.... a good thing.

 

I think I would if he didn't contact me first. Assuming of course I have high interest in him.

 

My personality is a bit elusive which leaves some guys confused as to how I feel sometimes. Even when I think I am expressing interest!

 

I don't see how it could hurt, one quick text saying thanks for the great date, may be just what he needs to proceed forward.

 

How is that chasing? Thanking him for the date? I am not understanding this notion.

 

And hell if he were to get tuned off by that, then no way he could have been very interested in the first place!

 

But again sending it may be the green light he needs to proceed forward.

 

Thoughts? Disillusionment? Sunkissed?

 

.

Edited September 11, 2016 by katiegrl

[Sunkissedpatio]

Katiegirl -

 

Sure a text to say you had a great time is a nice thing to do, I would do that. But I'd do it that right away, like the same night, especially if he mentioned seeing you again or alluded to a future get-together.

 

Texting a few days later can be perceived as you fishing to see if he will ask you out again.

 

I mean I don't follow any "Rules" I just don't think there is anything to gain from being aggressive and asking a guy out . Or maybe I'm just too used to being chased at first.

 

Age has a lot to do with it too. A guy in his 30 or 40s has had sufficient experience dating and he's used to the "game" It's like the guy that says here is my card call me if you want..."I won't want." that's too passive and not attractive to me.

[katiegrl]

Katiegirl -

 

Sure a text to say you had a great time is a nice thing to do, I would do that. But I'd do it that right away, like the same night, especially if he mentioned seeing you again or alluded to a future get-together.

 

Texting a few days later can be perceived as you fishing to see if he will ask you out again.

 

I mean I don't follow any "Rules" I just don't think there is anything to gain from being aggressive and asking a guy out . Or maybe I'm just too used to being chased at first.

 

Age has a lot to do with it too. A guy in his 30 or 40s has had sufficient experience dating and he's used to the "game" It's like the guy that says here is my card call me if you want..."I won't want." that's too passive and not attractive to me.

 

Agree, I was talking about the next day, NOT three days later.... lol. Yeah fishing!

 

And I am with ya on not being aggressive etc, not my style!

 

I am the feminine energy, he is the masculine energy.

 

And as such, I like being pursued, it turns me on!

 

I respond enthusiastically...which in turn turns *him* on, win win!

 

That's what I respond to, what has always worked for me (and the men I date and had relationships with), not about to switch that up now.

 

So we are on same page about that.

 

I guess I was reading your posts wrong. It sounded like you, Dis and leogirl were saying don't ever contact a guy first, not even to thank him the next day.

 

Always always let him come to you first.

 

So was confused about that, tnx for clarifying!

Edited September 11, 2016 by katiegrl