Question for OWs re: BS contact

[HadMeOverABarrel]

EDITED TO ADD: Reading back through my post here reminded me of the song "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)," where singer is bored in his relationship and answers an interesting personal/dating advertisement that turns out to be his SO who included things in her ad that he was attracted to but he didn't know about her. For me, I would have great fun in discovering new things about my partner, especially still being able to do that after being with him for so long...a great way to continue growing together.

 

Love your SO's like it's the last moment you'll ever have with them. Life is short and one never knows what tomorrow brings!

Edited October 12, 2016 by HadMeOverABarrel

[ChickiePops]

OP, I'm really sorry for your pain. Hope you get your answers and healing as quickly as possible. This post made me want to ask...

 

Does your husband's sweat really repulse you that much? What man wouldn't feel like a (or THE) stud with a woman saying something like that?

 

While I don't believe BS are responsible for WS poor choices, and seems like WS should better communicate their desires to BS BEFORE starting an affair and setting their own boundaries (unless WS is serial cheater in which case nothing anyone says or does would stop WS), why not cater to H ego and sexually as long as it doesn't violate your own boundaries? Maybe it's difficult to keep that up in a long marriage, but I enjoy keeping things interesting with my long-term, committed partner.

 

Would WS be less inclined to look for that from OW/OM if they had it at home? Can't say for sure but something worth considering?

 

Oh come on! This is nonsense. Do YOU enjoy licking someone's sweaty armpits?

 

My fiance's sweat doesn't repulse me but I don't want to lick it.

[aileD]

Oh come on! This is nonsense. Do YOU enjoy licking someone's sweaty armpits?

 

My fiance's sweat doesn't repulse me but I don't want to lick it.

 

Lol! It was like reading a bad high school love letter. Probably because she Literally was fresh out of high school.

 

I think what They were getting at was this girl was probably willing to do freaky things and if I was just more sexually purr purr rawr them maybe he wouldn't have found someone else to lick his ball sweat.

 

It's all just an excuse. If he didn't like what I was doing in bed then he could have divorced me first.

[ChickiePops]

Lol! It was like reading a bad high school love letter. Probably because she Literally was fresh out of high school.

 

I think what They were getting at was this girl was probably willing to do freaky things and if I was just more sexually purr purr rawr them maybe he wouldn't have found someone else to lick his ball sweat.

 

It's all just an excuse. If he didn't like what I was doing in bed then he could have divorced me first.

 

Aaaaaaand there goes my appetite..helpful for my diet!

[Midwestmissy]

 

Would WS be less inclined to look for that from OW/OM if they had it at home? Can't say for sure but something worth considering?

 

Just. No.

 

considering that I was doing the work of 2 parents since wh didn't have 'it' at home, shouldn't I have been looking elsewhere? My needs were not met. Hell, my texts weren't even answered. Affairs aren't always about what's lacking in the marriage. In fact, affairs are about entitlement and lack of character and a malleable (suddenly, silently and one-sided) moral code. If I need something, I don't run out the door and look for it between the first set of legs that opens for me. I would have a conversation with my spouse. And since so many cheaters run back to their marriages and not often to the AP, I think it's safe to say that the affair didn't meet their needs either. Irksome that people believe the betrayed spouses fail to meet perfection, while the cheaters fail at basic decency. It's a contest no one can win if it's all a dark secret. And even if someone has communicated, begged, pleaded and the spouse is still not cooperating, then leave with your dignity intact, not with your ___ in someone's ___.

 

How is this still a conversation? Where are the threads talking about how "my secret 2 yr affair was the best decision I ever made for me and my kids!"? There's a reason those are hard to find. I don't get the sense that there's a lot of pride in having cheated, or a lot of satisfaction in how it all turned out.

[ChickiePops]

OP, I'm really sorry for your pain. Hope you get your answers and healing as quickly as possible. This post made me want to ask...

 

Does your husband's sweat really repulse you that much? What man wouldn't feel like a (or THE) stud with a woman saying something like that?

 

While I don't believe BS are responsible for WS poor choices, and seems like WS should better communicate their desires to BS BEFORE starting an affair and setting their own boundaries (unless WS is serial cheater in which case nothing anyone says or does would stop WS), why not cater to H ego and sexually as long as it doesn't violate your own boundaries? Maybe it's difficult to keep that up in a long marriage, but I enjoy keeping things interesting with my long-term, committed partner.

 

Would WS be less inclined to look for that from OW/OM if they had it at home? Can't say for sure but something worth considering?

 

It takes two people to keep a relationship interesting. Why is it all on the BS?

[elaine567]

The problems with an affair is that the BS can be the most loving, most exciting, most sensitive, most kind, most intelligent, most subservient, most dominant, most entertaining, most [insert desired trait of choice] person on earth and it is still NOT enough, it is never enough in the face of "new".

 

The BS is therefore always at a fundamental disadvantage.

[Midwestmissy]

Elaine, or worse than new, she was really used. Nothing sparkly or shiny or younger or smarter or prettier, just willing. For all the people involved, nothing here is flattering. Had she not been brought into my marriage, I would have never crossed paths with a woman like her. Amazing that a married mother of 4 little ones had pillow talk in a hotel at dinner time with her boss about how awesome her kids are and how awesome a mom she was. I'm sure she told her family what a hard worker she was. I feel for those poor kids because I know how my wh actions hurt our kids terribly. It's all so delusional, the lies we tell ourselves.

[elaine567]

Elaine, or worse than new, she was really used. Nothing sparkly or shiny or younger or smarter or prettier, just willing. For all the people involved, nothing here is flattering. Had she not been brought into my marriage, I would have never crossed paths with a woman like her. Amazing that a married mother of 4 little ones had pillow talk in a hotel at dinner time with her boss about how awesome her kids are and how awesome a mom she was. I'm sure she told her family what a hard worker she was. I feel for those poor kids because I know how my wh actions hurt our kids terribly. It's all so delusional, the lies we tell ourselves.

 

She was "new" to him.

 

I have never been too sure why some MM seem to "date down" when getting involved with an OW.

Is that in fact a reflection, of what they are really worth as a human being in the "dating" world (ie perhaps actually not very highly ranked) - highly ranked to the BW of course, but in reality?... or of what they are worth as an attached person (reduced options as most "decent", stable, non vulnerable women would say no to a MM), or is there a deeper maybe darker psychological reasoning behind it?

OR perhaps more worrying

Is it to HIM, not "dating down" at all?

That is maybe merely a BW spin on it, perhaps that is exactly the type of woman he IS attracted to, when given a free rein?

Of course in reconciliation he is going to emphasise the bad points of the OW, and agree with his wife, when she is appalled by the "quality" of the woman he chose to have an affair with, but that doesn't necessarily mean he truly thinks that way...

[Midwestmissy]

My wh wasn't appalled with her - she was exactly as advertised. He was disgusted with himself. He doesn't consider himself high quality, he sees himself as her equal as far as being a cheater. Both married, both lying, both pooping where they eat. If anything, as her boss, he views himself in a worse light. I guess he was so lacking in self respect that he was only going to attract the same. He was not being hit on by women with high standards, just this one on her knees. He sees her as beneath me in terms of character, but not beneath him, and doesn't blame her for much. She was a serial cheater and sexually forward at work, he should have known better and therein lies his disgust. That he found ways to give himself permission to even go there, to believe her flattery, is what sickens him. He never found her attractive or intelligent (she'd been an employee for a long time) she just made him feel like an invincible successful business mogul - which was the fantasy they both hopped into bed with. Heck, he wanted to be in bed with the tycoon he thought he should have been. (And bing! There's his disappointment) To question or correct each other would have popped the bubble. Toss in a mother in law who fed the mow more lies about her perfect rich omnipotent son, and it was as toxic af.