chillblue Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 (edited) I met my ex back in October of 2015. We hit it off pretty quickly and everything was great. We had some issues along the way. He struggled with trust issues from a past relationship and well as other insecurities. This caused some problems for us as I had trouble dealing with the constant question if was sleeping with someone else. It got annoyed and I showed it a few times. Anyway fast forward to May 2016 I notice him getting distant. By this point I have been very supportive with his work as well as when he needed financial help. In June he told me he had emotionally checked out of the relationship. At this point we were Facetiming everyday multiple times a day as well as talking on the phone and spending time together. Before June we pretty much spent all of our time together. If I wasn't at his house he was at mine. By June that pretty much stopped but we were still in constant communication. By the end of June that had drastically changed to talking a few times a week and not seeing each-other at all. I tried to work things out with him but he had made his mind up. I tried to do no contact once before, but he would reach out and I would be sucked in again. He had no problem talking to me on the phone, but when I would try to make plans with him he would give me the "we could possibly", or something like that but nothing definitive. all this time I have stuck around. He still leans on me for advice and support in general but will not spend time with me. He texted me last saturday to tell me he got the job he had applied for (he had asked me for my advice previously on that). I guess i didnt respond fast enough so he sends another text 8 hours later saying "Well I just wanted to share that with you". I ignore it until sunday evening and say "congrats". After that I hear nothing. This is when I decide to really implement no contact. I just need my piece of mind back. I think he could be seeing other people, he says hes not but hes young and attractive so why wouldnt he be? As of late I rarely initiate contact. Most of the contact we have had is because he reaches out to me. Anyway I decided to start no contact after my last text on Sunday saying congrats. Mind you I usually always pick up the phone when he calls. He called me on Tuesday night, I didnt answer. He called me Wednesday morning, I didnt answer. A few hours later he texts "I've been trying to contact you. Are you ignoring me?". Of course I didnt answer. That same night he calls me again and Facetimes me. I dont pick up. Thursday morning he facetimes me again, no answer. After that he hasnt reached out again. I really dont know what to make of all this. I feel like he cut me out of his life, so i decided to cut myself from his. Part of me stayed in contact with him because he owes me money, but now i dont even care about it. This is day 6 of no contact and hes already reached out multiple times which confuses me. So my question is, does he not want me because he knows that I want him back? Am i showing him too much attention? Based on his actions above if I stay away for a while do you think he might consider reconciling? Since we met, we havent been out of touch for more than a week. Not answering his calls kills me but I feel like its the only way I can move forward. I am doing this for me so i can start moving on, but it would nice to get him back in the process. Edited September 11, 2016 by chillblue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DarrenB Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 (edited) Congratulations. At the moment you are and have been doing everything right with the choices you have made. Alot of people wouldn't have, including myself so kudos to you. Have you heard of the 30 day NC period? I suggest you take this into consideration and implement it. I believe if he knows that you still love him then taking this time shouldn't be an issue unless he's confused, or simply doesn't know. 30 days isn't too long but it isn't too less of a time duration. This just gives you both time to begin loving yourselves properly again rather than a partner or someone else. Just work on yourself in this time, after the 30 days are up (or however many days more you feel is sufficient), aand if he hasn't reached out from then, send him a normal civil message, nothing too serious or deliberate that you want to reconcile. Just something so he's aware you're still thinking of him. Your decision is then fundementally in your hands, as is his. If it was meant to be, and you want to be with each other, I'm sure the wait will be worth it. If it wasn't, then not too worry. You haven't like you said, initiated too much since you broke up, therefore there's not much to lose on your behalf. Don't dwell on reasoning and what he's doing in the meantime. Focus on you and then make that decision of what you want afterwards. I believe implementation of No Contact can work but can ultimately lead to the worst sometimes. It just depends on your situation and how it was previously left with your ex, obviously also dependent on whether you want them back or not too. But personally, I do feel it can work for the better regardless, and if your decision, can potentially lead to re-gaining a lost love (an ex). Good luck Edited September 11, 2016 by DarrenB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chillblue Posted September 11, 2016 Author Share Posted September 11, 2016 Thanks for the reply Darren. Its nice to have an unbiased opinion. Its been 3 months since we kinda parted, and talking to him regularly hurts. I just feel like if he didnt care about me in a romantic capacity, he wouldnt have been blowing up my phone like that. It seems like he still has feelings there hes not acknowledging because he feels i hurt him. But what do I know? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 No, if he truly wanted you, he would be glad knowing you wanted him back. You're not really in NC if you haven't blocked his calls/texts. But because you established a platonic relationship with him where you would allow him to call you and text you without any responsibility on his part, he got comfortable. Now that you've stopped, he's wondering what's going on and why. This doesn't mean he truly wants you, it means he's confused and wants to regain control of the situation. If you were to be in NC for a month or two and then he asked you to get back together, chances are it would not last. The thrill of regaining control will wear off and he'll remember why he ended it in the first place. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DarrenB Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 Thanks for the reply Darren. Its nice to have an unbiased opinion. Its been 3 months since we kinda parted, and talking to him regularly hurts. I just feel like if he didnt care about me in a romantic capacity, he wouldnt have been blowing up my phone like that. It seems like he still has feelings there hes not acknowledging because he feels i hurt him. But what do I know? What's your honest, brutal opinions and impressions on him now? considering you're 3 months since you were together, I definitely think that's enough time to get some realisations going. Do you see a future with him? or is it more a closure-based situation? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chillblue Posted September 11, 2016 Author Share Posted September 11, 2016 I really see a future with him even now. I dont like the way he handled the situation by just shutting down, but I know I wasnt perfect either and could have handled tough situations better. We talked marriage which I have never talked with anyone before, and we both have trouble finding people we really connect with. I feel like if he wanted me out of his life completely he would have said I dont want to be with you. He never said that. He said we could work on things but him telling me that without any action behind it means nothing. I havent given him any time to miss me in 3 months because ive always been there supporting him when he needed it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 My guess is that he's probably seeing someone else, but keeps you around in case that doesn't work out. This is why he is fine calling or texting you but dodges making plans. Or, if he needs money again, he wants to make sure you're on good terms. How much money does he owe you? I think you're right to consider that gone, I very much doubt he'll be paying you back. Keep in mind that men (and women) who constantly harass you about whether you're sleeping with other men are often the ones with something to hide. It's projection. An ex of mine was like yours. Constantly insecure and asking if I was seeing other guys. It turns out he was the guilty party in that scenario, and he also totally shut down when the end was near. In his case, it was because he had met someone else. None of us know if your ex is the same, but the two stories are quite similar. Stay No Contact. It doesn't sound like this was an awesome relationship to begin with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chillblue Posted September 11, 2016 Author Share Posted September 11, 2016 (edited) He owes me 1800. He made a payment on friday. He has my account info so he just made a deposit this past Thursday. By this time he had figured out I wasnt talking to him because Thursday is the last time he tried to call me. I am going to stay in no contact. So you dont think the calls this past week didnt mean anything other than him wondering why I cut contact? Im so heartbroken.... Edited September 11, 2016 by chillblue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 11, 2016 Share Posted September 11, 2016 What you are doing isn't really NC. You're just ignoring his efforts to contact you. If thats what you want to do, thats ok, but it isn't NC. He might perceive your actions as you giving him the silent treatment. I think you should either talk with him, or do NC properly. *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means he might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete him from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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