35 year itch or...?

[midlifecrazy]

Seemed like my original thread was turning into a blog and hadn't posted to it for a while, thought it was time to start a new one. First one had kind of gotten away from it's title anyway.

 

I'll not rehash everything. Those who have been following know the story. Those who don't can go back and catch up on my OP if they're interested.

 

Latest development is I finally had Mrs MLC take Dr Phil's relationship test. She came up on the high end of normal, one more point and she would have been in the emotional divorce range. She didn't click off the test screen so I was able to go back later and read her responses. I really question some of her answers and think she could easily have gotten a few more points.

 

There was a lot I expected and there were a few surprises. She said she is not satisfied with her sex life. That's interesting. Is it because she thinks I'm always after her, we're doing it too much or I've been doing something wrong all these years? Guess we'll talk about that.

 

Of course she wanted to know what I had scored. It was late and I didn't want to get into it all at that hour so without lying I did mislead her for the time being.

 

I guess by my past experience I'm doing pretty good so far this year in the sex department. I've already got my full years ration, 12 times in 6 months. Maybe that's why she's dissatisfied with her sex life. Any kind of variety is still non-existent of course.

 

She still manages to use her words to cut me like a knife at least every other day. I think she senses me pulling away. The last time we made love it was after a kind of bad day that way. Slut that I am, I finally gave in after much cajoling.

 

Though I'm still swinging back and forth because of all the upheaval I know will ensue if we break up, I find myself making little moves and mental preparations for such an event.

 

Thinking about counseling again. Now I'm starting to feel a little depressed about the whole situation. At least IC might help with that.

[Ladyjane14]

One of the reasons that a couple might do a questionairre type test, such as the Dr. Phil one, is to open up a dialogue by which they can communicate.

 

I didn't see that happening in your post. Did the two of you spend any time talking about the questions? Reflecting on one another's answers?

 

Maybe it's just me, but if you aren't doing that....the questionairre itself doesn't seem to have much meaning. These questions are a reflection of things you already know about each other, right?

 

You know, I've been of the impression for a long time now that you and MrsMLC need to work on your communications together. I don't know how you'll EVER get that done without the specific guidance that you'll receive in counseling.

 

Afterall, if it was easily done for you....I think you'd have managed it in 35 YEARS! The same goes for leaving her. It's been 35 years, you could have done that by now too.

 

It's been several months now that you've been mulling all this over, and you're still not risking any conflict with her.

 

I can't see this situation getting any better for you until you get serious about getting some emotional support. Let's face it, if you could do all this by yourself....it'd be done by now, one way or the other.

[midlifecrazy]

LadyJ I think the test was more of an indicator of how we each feel in the relationship right now. I agree that it needs to be discussed. I know it was a cop-out not to tell her what I really scored, in the "high danger of break up" range. It's going to have to be said at some time. But despite everything I still don't want to hurt her and yeah I guess I am still avoiding conflict with her whenever possible.

 

I also feel somewhat guilty, somehow, that I can't seem to be at least content with the status quo like she seems to be. I've taken that test over and over again during the past few months through various highs and lows in our marriage. Being as open, easy and generous as I can, I have never gotten less than more than double her score.

 

Hopefully it can be a communication starter. It was interesting to see her take on things. Something I've already started to realize after thinking about it is that she really is not a "touchy feely" type with it comes to expressing affection. Even with those I know she adores, the kids and grandkids, it's usually a little hug, little kiss maybe some occasional cuddling. With me,and them, I'm a big ol' bear. I gobble em up, bear hug them, spin them around, toss them up in the air (sometimes I even catch them). You get the idea.

 

Then there was the question about "my partner often says I love you". She answered false. So did I. And I am positive I say it more to her than she does to me. I guess after a while of not hearing it without saying it first, maybe I slacked off. Sometimes I think she really just doesn't realize how she's coming across to me when I feel she's being hateful.

 

Well anyway as long as we're still together I guess there's still hope. This may have been a tiny baby step but at least it was something and maybe gives us some more starting points.