[Do I just let time do its thing? Am I over-reacting?]

[Grapesofwrath]

Recently started dating a guy I met online. Seems like a terrific guy. Military veteran, good job, very communicative. We've seen each other a couple times so far, and we text a lot. The last time we got together things got more physical between us. He says all the right things, indicating that he likes me and wants to get to know me better.

 

He said he is divorced and has a 6 yo son. He has custody of his son most nights, though doesn't give a lot of details about how that works exactly. He has told me that he was married and his wife developed a brain tumor. It was removed, surgically, but afterward her personality was never the same and she eventually asked him to separate. He said she is a good mother, but their son prefers to stay with him, which is why the custody arrangement.

 

There have been one or two occasions when he hasn't texted me for a day, usually on weekends. I went out of town on business yesterday and texted him later that night, before bed. No answer. And no answer at all today. This aroused my suspicion so I started looking at things online. He has no FB page, so that didn't help. Nothing on his IG page either. His (ex?)wife has a FB page and on it there is a recent photo of her celebrating her birthday. It's a picture of her, wearing a wedding ring, and in the text it says that she "has a great man in her life." Doesn't say husband. Doesn't specify anything. He is not in the picture. But she is wearing a ring. Now I am suspicious that he is actually still married and a cheater.

 

I've asked him in the past if he is married and he said no and told me the above story. Do I just let time do its thing? Am I over-reacting?

[BluesPower]

Yes you should be. I am not sure how to find out, but you need to.

 

I think he may be playing you. One thing you could do is look online for court records. Most of the stuff that is public information is on line now.

 

You may be able to check to see if he has any divorce documents out there. If not he is def lying.

 

Or you could hire a PI. Or you could just dump him and move on.

 

You are thinking correctly though.

 

Good luck...

[Space Ritual]

Recently started dating a guy I met online. Seems like a terrific guy. Military veteran, good job, very communicative. We've seen each other a couple times so far, and we text a lot. The last time we got together things got more physical between us. He says all the right things, indicating that he likes me and wants to get to know me better.

 

He said he is divorced and has a 6 yo son. He has custody of his son most nights, though doesn't give a lot of details about how that works exactly. He has told me that he was married and his wife developed a brain tumor. It was removed, surgically, but afterward her personality was never the same and she eventually asked him to separate. He said she is a good mother, but their son prefers to stay with him, which is why the custody arrangement.

 

There have been one or two occasions when he hasn't texted me for a day, usually on weekends. I went out of town on business yesterday and texted him later that night, before bed. No answer. And no answer at all today. This aroused my suspicion so I started looking at things online. He has no FB page, so that didn't help. Nothing on his IG page either. His (ex?)wife has a FB page and on it there is a recent photo of her celebrating her birthday. It's a picture of her, wearing a wedding ring, and in the text it says that she "has a great man in her life." Doesn't say husband. Doesn't specify anything. He is not in the picture. But she is wearing a ring. Now I am suspicious that he is actually still married and a cheater.

 

I've asked him in the past if he is married and he said no and told me the above story. Do I just let time do its thing? Am I over-reacting?

 

 

No you are not over reacting. Have you met the child?

 

 

It could all be coincidence but IDK. If I were you I'd contact the ex wife. Of course she may flip out on you, but you would perhaps know one way of the other what the deal exactly is.

 

Just remember many people online embellish their lives to either be more exciting or stable for a potential mate. For all you know this guy is an axe murderer or a missionary. Could be either one...lol

 

At any rate I'd be a bit skeptical of this guy.

[Grapesofwrath]

No you are not over reacting. Have you met the child?

 

 

It could all be coincidence but IDK. If I were you I'd contact the ex wife. Of course she may flip out on you, but you would perhaps know one way of the other what the deal exactly is.

 

Just remember many people online embellish their lives to either be more exciting or stable for a potential mate. For all you know this guy is an axe murderer or a missionary. Could be either one...lol

 

At any rate I'd be a bit skeptical of this guy.

 

Space: That's a little extreme, I think. I haven't met his son, nor would I expect to at this early stage. Nor would I contact his ex-wife. We've only been seeing each other for a few weeks. That seems rather stalkerish to me.

 

I know he has told the truth about where he works and his history of military service. I am not going to do anything nuts, just curious to hear other opinions on whether I am being overly suspicious.

 

I haven't heard from him at all for about 48 hours, so I think I have my answer anyway. Disappointing. But good to know.

[privategal]

Trust your gut. Red flags all around.

I think in the dating stages especially after getting physical he would be very excited and chatty ie new relationship butterflies....

I think he's still very married and the wifes illness and likely tons of Dr appointments left her unable to be as physical. He likely was bitter and not being supportive.

A wife who had a serious brain surgery NEEDS her husband.

She doesn't just up and end it...your only getting his side and I'm not buying it.

[Grapesofwrath]

Trust your gut. Red flags all around.

I think in the dating stages especially after getting physical he would be very excited and chatty ie new relationship butterflies....

I think he's still very married and the wifes illness and likely tons of Dr appointments left her unable to be as physical. He likely was bitter and not being supportive.

A wife who had a serious brain surgery NEEDS her husband.

She doesn't just up and end it...your only getting his side and I'm not buying it.

 

Hi privategal. Thanks for weighing in. I have a feeling you are right. So so so disappointing.

[privategal]

Sigh....men! LOL

Don't even dig further, you've been through enough.

Toss him back in the sea and keep dating...gotta kiss some frogs before you find the prince! Next ❤

[Grapesofwrath]

Sigh....men! LOL

Don't even dig further, you've been through enough.

Toss him back in the sea and keep dating...gotta kiss some frogs before you find the prince! Next ❤

 

One of the red flags: He has a purple heart and he told me where he was shot in combat. When I saw that part of his body, I could find no scar. When I mentioned that, he said something about how the wound "had cauterized itself" which doesn't make sense to me and I know a few things about medicine. So what kind of person lies about being wounded in combat to make himself more attractive to women?

 

You'd think by now I would have learned. And I guess I did learn something, because I figured it out pretty quickly. In this case, I believed his history of honorable service to this country indicated that he is an honorable person in general. I figured that anyone who would serve and sacrifice as he has must be someone of integrity. I was wrong. At least it only took me 3 dates to figure it out.

Edited September 12, 2016 by Grapesofwrath

[aileD]

You've been seeing him a few weeks and haven't been to his house?

 

Do you know where he lives? You can probably find it out easily online.

 

Do a drive by around midnight. Are there two cars in the driveway?

 

Call him at 2 am. See if he answers.

 

Does he have certain times he talks to you and seems to be unavailable at other times?

 

Does he have a dent or tan line on his ring finger?

 

Do you know or have you met any of his friends? Or family? Gone out in public on dates?

 

Just some things to ponder

[Grapesofwrath]

You've been seeing him a few weeks and haven't been to his house?

 

Do you know where he lives? You can probably find it out easily online.

 

Do a drive by around midnight. Are there two cars in the driveway?

 

Call him at 2 am. See if he answers.

 

Does he have certain times he talks to you and seems to be unavailable at other times?

 

Does he have a dent or tan line on his ring finger?

 

Do you know or have you met any of his friends? Or family? Gone out in public on dates?

 

Just some things to ponder

 

Nope, haven't been to his house yet. Again, it's early going so I didn't think that's a big deal.

 

Heretofore, he was available to talk anytime. At night, for sure. After dinner, on weekends, whenever. I viewed that as an encouraging sign, in fact, because I figured there was no way he was home with another adult if he was spending that much time texting me. No tan line or dent on his ring finger.

 

We have not yet met each other's friends or family. Again...it's only been 3 dates. Yes, we have been out in public. But we live about 30 miles apart, and the dates were close to my home. (On that note, not sure I want to drive 30 miles to check the number of cars in his driveway.)

 

I have always been a believer that actions > words. So I am watching his actions and they are showing me what I need to know.

[aileD]

Texting is not the same as talking.

 

Get him on the phone. If he makes excuses, it's suspicious.

 

Anyone can text behind their wife's back in this day and age.

 

Also, did you google his ph# to make sure it's not a texting app? Another suspicious sign

[Arieswoman]

Grapes # 8

 

When I saw that part of his body, I could find no scar. When I mentioned that, he said something about how the wound "had cauterized itself"

 

^^^ that is BS, and if you know anything about medicine, you know it is.

 

Please believe the evidence of your own eyes (or rather lack of it). If he's lied about that, then he'll lie about other things as well.

 

He's probably a Walter Mitty type...

[privategal]

The guy shouldn't even get one chance to text, call, or lie again. You know the drill....though it would be SO fun to show up at his home with a homemade tray of cookies. Imagine his wife's surprise when his new gal he's been dating shows up.

Plus how many times have you seen in the ow forums how these mm FIND time to text and see their ow often yes even when the wife is home.

He's so stand up and a man who served his country but then is abandoning his wife after brain surgery?

What a stupid selfish liar. He's got a BLACK heart not a purple one.

My immature slightly jaded side says play the game, catch him, he thinks your dumb, show him your not dumb.

My logical side says block and RUN.

[Grapesofwrath]

There is temptation to contact her and let her know, but I'm not going to go there now. I have hunches and suspicions sufficient to no longer date him. Not worth all this aggravation. I do not have *irrefutable proof* which is what I would need in order to contact her.

 

He won't be seeing me again, which is his loss. I don't understand why people lie like this, I really don't. What's the point? Did he think I wouldn't figure it out?

[privategal]

There is temptation to contact her and let her know, but I'm not going to go there now. I have hunches and suspicions sufficient to no longer date him. Not worth all this aggravation. I do not have *irrefutable proof* which is what I would need in order to contact her.

 

He won't be seeing me again, which is his loss. I don't understand why people lie like this, I really don't. What's the point? Did he think I wouldn't figure it out?

Yes, I think he thought you wouldn't figure it out.

So mad for your sake but agree, walking away quietly is best, screw him geesh.

[Space Ritual]

I don't understand why people lie like this, I really don't. What's the point?

 

Because they want to get laid, That's the point of the entire exercise. People will say anything that they can think of if they think there is a promise of sex in the offing. And hey, if you figured it out after having sex, then so what? He got laid, and that's all he really wants. There will always be someone else with 2 boobs and a heartbeat that will buy his story.

 

BTW. I can attest to the Cauterizing of bullet wounds. I have been shot before, not from military service but from the streets of Chicago. I've had a few bullet holes in me since my early 20's and they don't self cauterize. lol.

 

Anyone can buy a Purple Heart online for about 30 bucks minus the shipping and handling.. If you have ever perused Youtube and seen all the guys that get busted for lying about Military service, you'd be amazed. Check out "Stolen Valor" and "Phony Navy Seal of the Week". It's insane.

 

Just be glad you figured it out. Many people don't

[Grapesofwrath]

Because they want to get laid, That's the point of the entire exercise. People will say anything that they can think of if they think there is a promise of sex in the offing. And hey, if you figured it out after having sex, then so what? He got laid, and that's all he really wants. There will always be someone else with 2 boobs and a heartbeat that will buy his story.

 

BTW. I can attest to the Cauterizing of bullet wounds. I have been shot before, not from military service but from the streets of Chicago. I've had a few bullet holes in me since my early 20's and they don't self cauterize. lol.

 

Anyone can buy a Purple Heart online for about 30 bucks minus the shipping and handling.. If you have ever perused Youtube and seen all the guys that get busted for lying about Military service, you'd be amazed. Check out "Stolen Valor" and "Phony Navy Seal of the Week". It's insane.

 

Just be glad you figured it out. Many people don't

 

Thanks, Space. I am glad. The whole thing is so unnecessary. There are so many apps and ways to meet people who just want to hook up. Why not just be transparent about that? It's easily done. Why feign interest in something more if you don't need to do that in order to get laid?

 

As for the phony military history...well, that is just despicable. There is a special place in hell reserved for those who would steal valor, as you put it. BTW, he told me he was a Green Beret. Do they have a YouTube channel, too?

[Space Ritual]

This is actually pretty funny

 

How to be a green beret

[preraph]

Not everyone likes doing a lot of texting or email. One guy I communicate with only catches up on all his about once a week.

 

That said, go online and pay the $25 and go a background check on the guy and get his marital status and any criminal history. Then you'll know. He may simply not like doing that, or he may be busy and not be rude and let texting interrupt him when he's in the middle of dinner or out with friends or another date. Or he could be married, of course. Find out the easy way.

[Lois_Griffin]

Heretofore, he was available to talk anytime. At night, for sure. After dinner, on weekends, whenever. I viewed that as an encouraging sign, in fact, because I figured there was no way he was home with another adult if he was spending that much time texting me. No tan line or dent on his ring finger.

Texting isn't talking. It's typing. He no doubt probably tells his wife that he's playing some online game when he's really texting you, is all.

 

I find his lame 'war hero' stories pitiful - especially the magic bullet story where his body healed itself. OMG what a tool.

 

And his utterly ridiculous story about his kid needing to sleep at HIS house every night is laughable.

 

When I was online dating, the first thing I'd do when I met a new guy was to tell him the following: "you'd better not be married. And if I find out you ARE married, I'll go right to your wife and tell her. And then, I'll hunt you down and when I find you, I'll rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody stump." I always said it jokingly, but I got my point across.

 

I have zero patience for married scumbags on dating sites looking for a cheap thrill at the expense of innocent, single women just looking to find a decent man.

 

I'd personally MAKE it my business to find out whether this liar is married. And if he is, I'd be in contact with his wife immediately. If more women would actually rat these slimes out for the sh*t they pull on dating sites, innocent single women like YOU wouldn't get used by them.

[Grapesofwrath]

Texting isn't talking. It's typing. He no doubt probably tells his wife that he's playing some online game when he's really texting you, is all.

 

I find his lame 'war hero' stories pitiful - especially the magic bullet story where his body healed itself. OMG what a tool.

 

And his utterly ridiculous story about his kid needing to sleep at HIS house every night is laughable.

 

When I was online dating, the first thing I'd do when I met a new guy was to tell him the following: "you'd better not be married. And if I find out you ARE married, I'll go right to your wife and tell her. And then, I'll hunt you down and when I find you, I'll rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody stump." I always said it jokingly, but I got my point across.

 

I have zero patience for married scumbags on dating sites looking for a cheap thrill at the expense of innocent, single women just looking to find a decent man.

 

I'd personally MAKE it my business to find out whether this liar is married. And if he is, I'd be in contact with his wife immediately. If more women would actually rat these slimes out for the sh*t they pull on dating sites, innocent single women like YOU wouldn't get used by them.

 

Thanks, Lois. You are consistently among my favorite contributors to this site. Pulling no punches, just the way I like it.

[Grapesofwrath]

Couldn't sleep last night, and started thinking about this situation. As I stewed, I started googling to investigate a bit further. I found his wife's IG account (private) and some other online stuff. (Of interest, he turned his IG to private in the past day or two.) Through my ramblings, I found that she has a Tumblr account. I don't use Tumblr, so I wasn't prepared for what I would find there.

 

To make a long story short, she uses Tumblr to view porn. And not just any kind of porn. Really dark porn: Rape porn, incest porn, "breeder" porn. I'm not kidding.

 

Now I don't consider myself a naive person, and I didn't think it was possible to shock me at this age, but I was repulsed and shocked by what I saw. Not only just that these things exist, but that his wife is viewing it online and "liking" it on a very frequent basis. Puts the lie to the idea that he hasn't had sex in 22 months, as he claims. Even if it's true that they are divorced, I don't see this woman as someone who withholds sex in marriasge. She looks at one group that posts about spouses that cheat and then go home and tell their spouse all about it. Makes me think that reaching out to tell her that her husband is cheating may not have the desired effect.

 

I mean, what the actual f**k is going on in this world? Is it so much to ask to find a man who is single, employed, reasonably attractive, and not a demented liar?