I am..

[Kat]

Originally posted by erika2610

I suppose.. just seems more likely they'll go after the girl with low self esteem.. easier to catch. And Lotus.. if your self esteem was that high, why'd you get involved with a MM? (Sorry, not to go off topic:))

 

Because your self esteem is just a lie to hide what is really going on underneath

[floatinglotus]

I had no intention of falling in love with a married man. It was never on my radar. I had married men ask me out before but thought it ludicrous and it would upset me that they would do that to their wives.

 

But this man...

 

He stormed in. We were working together and he kept hanging around me to the point where managers would ask me if he was annoying me. He started to tell me about his life and how he'd fallen in love with me (before we had even kissed). I really believed that this man's marriage was over and he was just waiting to get out of it. I'd never even had physical relations with a man before as I was waiting for marriage but this man was so amazing and gentle and loving. I fell for it.

 

As for the self-esteem... As this is a forum I can be blatantly honest - you can't see me or know who I am so when I say that I had (yes, HAD) a healthy dose of self-esteem, I am telling the truth. This forum is no ego trip for me. I was always a confident woman who believed in true love and was just waiting for "the one". So no, there was no covering up of deep seated anxieties or anything close to it.

 

Now I've gone through all this however, I am suffering. I don't go out like I used to. I avoid dating (why date when I'm in love with another man?) and I don't continue the activities that I used to love. My friends are shocked at how I am now. Not that happy go lucky and plucky girl with romantic ideals.

 

And I'm sorry to say but men do love the chase. Getting a woman with low self-esteem to love you back is not much of a chase. But the unattainable... That's a prize for them. It's a fantasy. I know that now.

[floatinglotus]

Originally posted by Kat

 

 

You HAVE to be kidding me? You think this makes it okay?

 

 

Hi Kat, did I say this makes it OK? I don't think so. Please re-read my post.

 

I am stating that women who become OWs are not necessarily suffering from low self-esteem. It's a blanket fallacy perpetuated by certain sections to try and explain how women can fall into this deadly trap. I was not condoning it.

 

Having said that, I'm sure there must be those who suffer low self-esteem and willingly get themselves involved with married men for the ego trip too. I met one girl many years ago during my university days who frightened the life out of me because she kept chasing a married man. From just meeting her I knew instantly she suffered very low self-esteem and she just wanted the thought that she could grab someone else's spouse to boost her own faltering ego. She looked cunning too and I refused to become involved in any friendship with her. Maybe this is the type of woman ppl here are referring to.

 

Goodness, from what I've suffered and judging from these forums many many others before me, affairs are not to be condoned in the slightest. I never ever thought this would happen to me. But believe me when I say that I will never be so judgemental again either. I used to be very idealistic, now my world view has altered through all of this.

[jadeblossom]

We had an argument this morning in his office...I was in his room going through work stuff with him, and he was looking at me with those eyes again, and he asked me what plans I had for the weekend and I replied politely "Really it's none of your business, it's the weekend and I'm just a colleague so what I do on weekends would be private."

 

And he got upset and sulked. After a few minutes he left a note on my table and said he was really sorry for being upset and it's just that he's so mad and crazy about me and it kills him to know that what I said was the truth. I didn't say anything back. We haven't said anything to each other for the past half an hour.

 

I can't deny that more than ever I want him and I wish that we could be together. But I know that I can't say it to him anymore.

 

It hurts so badly. Yes, I too used to be happy go lucky, chirpy and adventurous, and now I hardly do the things I like anymore, don't even feel like seeing friends, just feel like being alone. It really sucks. When and if I finally get out of this, I never want to be an OW again.

[jadeblossom]

How do you deal with the fact that the only man you've ever loved has told you that he is going to stay married?

[Woggle]

Originally posted by jadeblossom

How do you deal with the fact that the only man you've ever loved has told you that he is going to stay married?

It's a pretty hard pill swallow isn't it? Take it is a lesson learned.

[Zaira]

KEEP STRONG!!!!!! Fight your urges, and know we're here to help when it gets a bit too hard to handle. If he can't make you number ONE, then he's NOT worth it.

[SoleMate]

He's your boss???? Well, in the US, I would advise you to see a lawyer, and I believe you could get your contract broken PDQ, as well as them paying YOU off, not the other way around. But I see you are in Asia? Do you have any legal rights to not be pursued sexually by your boss? Please look into it. It's time to start playing hardball, IMO.

[Woggle]

Originally posted by SoleMate

He's your boss???? Well, in the US, I would advise you to see a lawyer, and I believe you could get your contract broken PDQ, as well as them paying YOU off, not the other way around. But I see you are in Asia? Do you have any legal rights to not be pursued sexually by your boss? Please look into it. It's time to start playing hardball, IMO.

She consented to the relationship which means she can't sue.

[jadeblossom]

I feel that I've caused a tangled mess. MM told me that he has to stay married because of what the church members have said. You know, marriage is forever etc. I don't disagree with what the church says, but obviously I'm biased.

 

The thing now is that, he's living with his parents while "sorting" himself out mentally and emotionally. But he says he feels so trapped because he still loves me, and he feels that he's forced to go back to something which his heart is already not in. His wife is really hurt and angry and betrayed. The church members keep telling her that she has to accept some of the blame because she didn't respect him and submit to him yadda yadda yadda. But she refuses to see that she was also in the wrong and keeps jabbing him with really hurtful remarks about him not being a man, not taking charge etc etc.

 

He can't stand being at his parents place and now at night he doesn't have anywhere to go, no friends to confide in. He keeps messaging me about every small thing that happens to him and he sounds so down. I can't help feeling pity for him, and he says he doesn't have anyone else but me to turn to now. He's been coming over to my place for the past 2 nights and sleeping over till about 3a.m. before he goes back to his parents place.

 

I really sympathize with his plight. I feel that I've also been responsible for this awful mess he's created and I want to be there for him as a friend. He isn't close to anyone else. But I sometimes can't help feeling "used" in a way. I'm sure he doesn't mean it intentionally but I feel, what will happen to me when he goes back to his wife's house and start to rebuild their relationship? I still do have feelings for him and he knows that. I can put those feelings aside and be there for him now as a friend, but I'm just so afraid that when he's gone, and when he's happy again, I'll be alone and my life will have an empty void.

 

I am 100% SURE that he will go back to his wife now and stay married. I've somewhat accepted that and I know the predicament and circumstances he was in that forced him to choose it. I just don't have the heart to ignore his messages and calls at night when he is suffering and unhappy. I want to put his needs first because I'm his best friend and I want to do that for him as a friend, but what will happen to me when all this is over and he's happy again?

[erika2610]

Originally posted by jadeblossom

I feel that I've caused a tangled mess. MM told me that he has to stay married because of what the church members have said. You know, marriage is forever etc. I don't disagree with what the church says, but obviously I'm biased.

 

The thing now is that, he's living with his parents while "sorting" himself out mentally and emotionally. But he says he feels so trapped because he still loves me, and he feels that he's forced to go back to something which his heart is already not in. His wife is really hurt and angry and betrayed. The church members keep telling her that she has to accept some of the blame because she didn't respect him and submit to him yadda yadda yadda. But she refuses to see that she was also in the wrong and keeps jabbing him with really hurtful remarks about him not being a man, not taking charge etc etc.

 

He can't stand being at his parents place and now at night he doesn't have anywhere to go, no friends to confide in. He keeps messaging me about every small thing that happens to him and he sounds so down. I can't help feeling pity for him, and he says he doesn't have anyone else but me to turn to now. He's been coming over to my place for the past 2 nights and sleeping over till about 3a.m. before he goes back to his parents place.

 

I really sympathize with his plight. I feel that I've also been responsible for this awful mess he's created and I want to be there for him as a friend. He isn't close to anyone else. But I sometimes can't help feeling "used" in a way. I'm sure he doesn't mean it intentionally but I feel, what will happen to me when he goes back to his wife's house and start to rebuild their relationship? I still do have feelings for him and he knows that. I can put those feelings aside and be there for him now as a friend, but I'm just so afraid that when he's gone, and when he's happy again, I'll be alone and my life will have an empty void.

 

I am 100% SURE that he will go back to his wife now and stay married. I've somewhat accepted that and I know the predicament and circumstances he was in that forced him to choose it. I just don't have the heart to ignore his messages and calls at night when he is suffering and unhappy. I want to put his needs first because I'm his best friend and I want to do that for him as a friend, but what will happen to me when all this is over and he's happy again?

 

You'll be left all alone As long as you keep having him over your place, you will never be able to move on ..

[shygurl]

Originally posted by blind folded

Woggle, haven't you ever heard the expression;

 

Love is blind... ?

 

Love is blind my arse. Love is a CHOICE, it's not like in fairytales and soap operas where you just can't help but falling in love - spare me. There are millions of people out there who meet wonderful, attractive, sweet, thoughtful, sexy, witty, successful, smart MARRIED people each and every day - and they might give them a second glance but they have clear cut boundaries about what's right and wrong, what's smart and stupid. Nobody has any business getting involved with someone who's married, period.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by shygurl

Love is blind my arse. Love is a CHOICE, it's not like in fairytales and soap operas where you just can't help but falling in love - spare me. There are millions of people out there who meet wonderful, attractive, sweet, thoughtful, sexy, witty, successful, smart MARRIED people each and every day - and they might give them a second glance but they have clear cut boundaries about what's right and wrong, what's smart and stupid. Nobody has any business getting involved with someone who's married, period.

 

Always with the good constructive advice Some poeple just can't help who they fall for. I fought my MM off for a year, til my feelings just took over.. maybe some people just aren't as strong as others either..

[jadeblossom]

Yes, sometimes people can't help who they fall for. Sometimes circumstances throw you together and you feel as though the other person is everything to you. BUT, if he is married, then, you need to know the right thing to do. And that's always the hard part. Your mind tells you one thing, your heart tells you another. One person would tell you to follow your heart and fulfill your desires, another person would tell you to do the right thing (as what your mind would tell you). Heck, other people would come along and tell you, to heck with your heart and mind, you can't rely on it, God says divorce is not allowed, so go back and work at your marriage whether you like it or not.

 

At the end of the day, no one is right or wrong. You choose your path and stand up for your decision and see it through.

 

Hey, yesterday I Googled for some help and support articles for the Other Woman... couldn't find any! Everything was for the betrayed spouse, and how to repair a marriage after an affair... what about the Other Woman who is hurting big time?

[erika2610]

Originally posted by jadeblossom

Yes, sometimes people can't help who they fall for. Sometimes circumstances throw you together and you feel as though the other person is everything to you. BUT, if he is married, then, you need to know the right thing to do. And that's always the hard part. Your mind tells you one thing, your heart tells you another. One person would tell you to follow your heart and fulfill your desires, another person would tell you to do the right thing (as what your mind would tell you). Heck, other people would come along and tell you, to heck with your heart and mind, you can't rely on it, God says divorce is not allowed, so go back and work at your marriage whether you like it or not.

 

At the end of the day, no one is right or wrong. You choose your path and stand up for your decision and see it through.

 

Hey, yesterday I Googled for some help and support articles for the Other Woman... couldn't find any! Everything was for the betrayed spouse, and how to repair a marriage after an affair... what about the Other Woman who is hurting big time?

 

Apparently we don't matter..

[jadeblossom]

Sometimes I think of suicide. It's just too painful to bear.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by jadeblossom

Sometimes I think of suicide. It's just too painful to bear.

 

Hun, I know it seems like it is right now. You need to start moving on. Tell him he can't stay at your place anymore. That's not helping you at all. And then, just walk away. You can do it. Right now it seems like it's just gonna be too much. But it won't. When I was done with my MM, it seemed like the end of my world too.. I was torn up for months. But then I realized 'hey, what'm I doin here?'. 'He's probably not sittin up cryin over me.' Then I just started gettin out.. goin out with girlfriends, stuff like that. Soon enough I started moving on. Now I wonder what I was ever doing with him. You'll be alright, you will. It'll take some time, but you'll move on. There's no use in spending all your time with a man you can't have, y'know? You could be passing up the perfect single man because you're with this scum..

[newbby]

Your mind tells you one thing, your heart tells you another. One person would tell you to follow your heart and fulfill your desires, another person would tell you to do the right thing

 

and what does your intuition say?

 

i'm sorry that you are feeling so bad.

i went through all the same with my mm too, he left for a few days, went back, we continued. i ended it, he came back, we continued, he ended it...

he tried to come back, i said no but we still talk and sometimes i feel that i am still emotionally dependent a bit, and sometimes i feel that he is.

i tell you what though, since i stopped sleeping with him or letting him visit, i feel so much stronger

you still get to see him in the workplace so you can work all of this to your benefit, unless you really, really believe, if you listen carefully to your intuition, that he is going to leave...

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by jadeblossom

Hey, yesterday I Googled for some help and support articles for the Other Woman... couldn't find any! Everything was for the betrayed spouse, and how to repair a marriage after an affair... what about the Other Woman who is hurting big time?

 

I don't think I can link this, but if you do a Google search for "gloryb" you'll immediately see a site called TOW where you can find articles, support, forums, etc.

[jadeblossom]

he told me yesterday morning that it's all over. he's staying married. gone home to be with his wife and kid. he said he knows that this is what he has to do to maintain everyone's sanity. he told me to take care of myself.

 

I decided I couldn't stay any longer. packed my bags, got my passport and took a bus to the next country for a short holiday. Yup, here I am, on my holiday trying to clear my head, feeling like i'm dying.

 

What does my intuition tell me?

 

It's been telling me the same thing for 6 months. I just chose to ignore it.

 

For the past 6 months, I've felt like I was on a rollercoaster ride. Every day was hell. Every day was a moments of brief bliss followed by absolute rockbottom. Kept telling myself I had enough. Day after day I kept saying I had enough.

 

But no, apparently I never did have enough. Because if I did, I wouldn't be here right now. Can't even bear to be in the same country. And even if I'm here, everything reminds me of him. Why was I so stupid for 6 months??? My intuition told me what I knew all along was coming and yet....

 

Ok, I'm going to stop sleeping with him and letting him come to visit.

 

I'm only 25 years old. And I feel like I'm 65.

 

I must be the biggest F00L on earth.

[New_Wife]

Highly unlikely that you are the biggest fool on earth. But I think we've all felt that way at least once.

 

You are hurt right now. Whether the relationship was right or wrong, doesn't change that. It takes time to heal from the end of a relationship, and I suggest you try your best to give yourself that.

 

It's never fun, but you can almost always learn a thing or two about yourself and how you got to be in a situation. Hopefully you'll be better prepared to demand more in the next relationship.

[winnie_05]

I'm sorry to hear what your going through.

 

I know how you must feel because i've been in the same situation. I met a man called Pete when i was out with my cousin, and my cousin and Petes mate (Kev) were dancing together in this club, and me and Pete were dancing, and talking. I told him I was 19, he told me he was 21, we got on really well and there was a spark between us and he treated me so well this first night, he asked for my number and said he'd really like to see me again, so i thought I better come clean about my age I told him the truth that I was 16, he then said i'm really 25, but he said theres something about you and I really want to see you again, he made sure me and my cousin got home safely, and rang to check even though the taxi stopped outside my house.

 

Anyway, I realized I'd fallen for him, i believed it was love at first sight. He texted me alot the next morning. Then i got a text through saying he had something to tell me and that he was married and was really sorry but he really liked me and needed to see me again. We carried on seeing each other. His mate Kev texted me saying "Are you serious about Pete because he's really fallen for you and doesn't know what to do but didnt want anyone to get hurt". When i went out with him he told me he couldn't see me for two weeks because he was going to Canada for 2 weeks, i was gutted, but there was nothing i could do. The first week that he was away Kev started textin me asking if I was ok, and if I was missing Pete etc, I replied to him. Next thing I got a text off Pete saying "why are you textin Kev?" it clicked how could he be on holiday if he knew what i was doing. I texted straight back asking him he apologized kept saying he was really confused and just needed time apart to think, but he still couldnt handle not being in touch so got Kev to find out how I was.

 

He said he thought he was in love with me, he used to ring me in the early hours of the morning for a couple of hrs at a time. We would just talk. We went on romantic walks together, to the cinema, to the pub. I was totally in love with him, and he said he wanted to be with me. Just didnt know what to do.

 

This had been going on for a few months when he suddenly txd saying he was going to stay with his wife and they were moving away, he said he was really sorry it had to end like this but he had no choice. I never spoke to him again for a couple of months when he txd me out the blue saying how r u I couldnt believe i hadnt been able to get hold of him until now as he had changed his number. We txd a few times, he was telling me about his new job in London, he just wanted to know if i was ok.

 

He broke my heart as I he led me to believe we would eventually be together. I never thought he would hurt me the way he did. He said he didnt wanna ruin his marriage and hurt his wife.

 

I never thought I'd get over him, it took me months,even a year later when i met my current boyfriend I didnt wanna get involved with him at the start because I still wanted Pete, I'm completely over him now. Ive been with my current boyfriend for 3 1/2 yrs now, and ive not spoken to Pete for nearly 4 years and i doubt we ever will again because we've both changed our numbers.

 

Time is a healer and I do believe you will get over this, and find someone who can be with you and isn't involved with anyone. Good luck

[jadeblossom]

Winnie,

 

Hi, I really admire your maturity. You must be what, 20 years old now? You must have gone through hell at the age of 16 when you found out he was married and continued seeing him. Thanks for the encouragement. I'm trying not to dwell on the past now and move on. Sometimes it's really hard coz I don't really feel like dating anyone. I just can't imagine myself being with anyone apart from him. I really want to and hope that I can move on completely and find the right guy, who is single, to start afresh with. Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. hugs.

[winnie_05]

Hi Jadeblossom,

 

I am 20, and yes it was agony. I cried myself to sleep every night. It was so hard and at the time I could never imagine life without him. Its like your stuck in a bubble and it won't pop. I didnt know what to do. I was head over heels about him.

 

I know people say this all the time, they used to say it to me but you never believe it until it happens. I never did. Time is a healer, and believe me one day you will look back on this and laugh, i know at the moment it seems impossible but its true.

 

I am happier now, and I never thought I would be, i used to think about killing myself and tried once, it was a big mistake. Think of all the people who love you and need you. You will find true love one day. There are plenty of people out there who'll be able to give you all the love you need, and you will be happy again one day. It will take time, it always does to mend a broken heart, but it will happen in time. Good luck to you.

 

Winnie x

[jadeblossom]

I cried myself to sleep every night.

me too.

 

It was so hard and at the time I could never imagine life without him.

me too.

 

Its like your stuck in a bubble and it won't pop.

i know exactly what you mean.

 

i used to think about killing myself and tried once, it was a big mistake.

 

it's scary how your words echo what goes on in my head. do all of us in this position go thru the same thing?

it hurts so badly and i know, i can't seem to see what's ahead. But i will believe you when you say

 

You will find true love one day.

 

just wondering, did you tell your current boyfriend about him?

 

and do you think your current relationship is better because you got an insight into all this?