my husband keeps avoiding getting treated for his low testosterone

[koukou]

I really need some advice! My husband and I got married 2 months ago, after 2,5 years of being together and living together. He is the kindest, most caring man I have ever met and a great father - to a son from a previous marriage who also lives with us-. Sex in the beginning was good but after about five months of dating he started avoiding sex and finding excuses, stress, tired, headache etc. It went on for about a year and I was completely devastated and hurt and rejected. I tried to talk to him but stress was his answer everytime.

 

Ater a year he proposed so that was my reassurance that he loved me and he wanted me so it was just a phase he was going through that we would overcome. In the meantime, no sexual contact at all.

 

Six months later he had a blood test, I actually asked him to do that, which showed very low levels of testosterone. I was happy cause then we knew what the problem was and it was treatable and at least it wasn't my fault. Then we had our wedding, the happiest day of my life, and the honeymoon. with no sex. But I thought that ater the wedding he would be keen on getting a treatment for hiw low T.

 

It's been now nearly two months since then and he hasn't been to the doctor. I have talked to him about how I feel, how hurt I feel, how happy he makes me but that I need sex etc etc and when I talk to him about it he promises he will call the doctor. But he hasn't done so. I just don't understand why. I want to be happy because I married the man I love, but how can I be when he won't even touch me sexually?

[BaileyB]

Not to be unkind because I understand that he is a nice guy and without doubt, you love him... But, I'm not sure why you married him when sex was important to you and you had pretty much been living in a sexless relationship with this man for some time before the wedding.

 

It is good that there could be a medical cause for his lack of sex drive... But the bigger issue is his reluctance to seek treatment. Find the answer to that, and you may find the answer to your problem...

 

You can not force someone to change. You can't encourage them, or nag them, or bargain with them... He has to want this to change for anything meaningful to happen. I things get better for you and your husband, I really do!

[sandylee1]

Is it embarrassment stopping him from going to the doctors?

 

You've told him how you feel.

He refuses to do anything about it.

 

You can try one more time telling him that you view his failure to go to the Dr as a sign of not caring about something very important to you... and that it's causing or going to cause your feelings for him to change and ultimately... over time ..... although you don't want to .... you can feel that you'll emotionally detach from him and check out of the marriage. At which point there'll be nothing left to save between the two of you.

 

Say it to him/and or write it to him. Let him read those words over and over again. If he still does nothing when you've laid it out like that ... then you might as well just call it a day or resign to a life of celibacy.

[SammySammy]

Do you know why he refuses treatment? Would he be receptive to alternative treatments?

[anduina]

Will this article help him get over his embarrassment if that's the reason why he's refusing treatment?

 

1/4 males over 30 have low testosterone and 1/20 males have clinical symptoms of it. Low T is pretty common.

[carhill]

OK, apply cream or gel, watch for side effects, get a PSA done once a year.

 

Does your H avoid doctors in general? How old is he?

 

Welcome to LS

[Mr. Lucky]

but after about five months of dating he started avoiding sex and finding excuses,

 

In the meantime, no sexual contact at all.

 

Then we had our wedding, the happiest day of my life, and the honeymoon. with no sex.

 

I want to be happy because I married the man I love, but how can I be when he won't even touch me sexually?

 

koukou, this is about more than testosterone. Under normal circumstances, no healthy young man foregoes sex with a willing partner for two years.

 

Start digging...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

Do you know if your husband had relationships before you? For how long and why they ended?

 

Is there a chance he's really gay, but got married to cover it up?

 

It all seems very convenient that he finds you as a woman with a son, he's really good with him and portrays the perfect dad, he proposes after a year... not sure of his age, but that's quick these days for the decision to spend your lives together. He wasn't sexual with you....no sexual contact for 7 months, yet he didn't see it as a problem and went ahead and proposed to you.

 

I think after no sex for 7 months and you not making too much noise about it, he thought you'd be fine in sexless marriage.

 

I agree with Mr Lucky .... there's more to this.

[koukou]

thank you all for your thoughts.

He is 47, he generally avoids doctors, he has other medical issues that he should go to the doctor for and he always finds an excuse not to.. but this is different.

i asked him again this morning and said, why are you avoiding it? He said he just hasn't had the time and he will do it! So i will give him a week and then I will write everything down for him.

 

I am not sure if he had problems all his life before we met, I saw a couple of viagra boxes at his place when i first moved in so maybe the problem was there and maybe he had it all his life and that's why he has been avoiding it. i don't know.... i will keep you updated because i can't discuss it with any of my friends and it's been bottling up inside me for so long...thank you for helping!!

[BluesPower]

Yes Lucky is right. He is right a lot.

 

This whole situation is really strange. First, how can you really love a man that does not want to have sex with you? Second, why would you?

 

Right now, and for the last 2 years you should be having some of the best sex of your life. Hell, the only thing that ever kept me and my wife together was the great sex, and the sex is still great after 26 years.

 

You really have to get a handle on this and if he does not get his self together then you have to get out of this marriage.

 

I hope that he is not some type of asexual person or something really strange like that.

 

Good luck with this and keep posting...

[dichotomy]

I have known some men (and strangely my wife) who for various reasons do not want go to the doctor or went but would not follow the doctors advice. My brother in law was one - he ended up having a stroke because he simply stopped taking medications a doctor had given him. MY sister found half taken bottles of medicine - three years old - stuffed in the bottom of his desk after he had his stoke.

 

When it comes to testosterone it is possible (but I don't know) the feelings of inadequacy, manliness , his testicles, embarrassment, are preventing him from seeing a doctor. I am also wondering if the doctors even said something more scary to him

 

Low testosterone can be a killer - not just of sex drive but of his heart, bones, and more. He has to go. You see its not just about sex - but his health and life.

 

Here is what I would do - and I am sorry it has come to this - You make an appointment for you both (or just him) at the doctors on day you both have off. Tell him you want him to go with YOU to your own doctors appointment - or even ask him to come with you to run some errands. When you show up together - say "surprise -we are both seeing a doctor". Ya - I know dirty dishonest sneaky - too bad - he can be mad at you for tricking him - but too bad. Go to the pharmacy together as well after wards to pick up the testosterone gel.

Edited September 12, 2016 by dichotomy

[BikerAccnt]

He's probably embarrassed, and really shouldn't be. There's no need. Its a natural issue that can be fixed.

 

Hell, I use Viagra, at my age it helps with things. - I'm 55 btw, a bit older than your hustband. I'm not even embarressed when the 21 year old female pharmacy tech hands me my script. Instead I'm thinking..see that, even us old folk still have sex!

 

It may not even be embarrassment over the testosterone issue. If he's like many of us guys, we avoid going to the doctor at pretty much all costs. Has he always been Dr. averse? Does he go on the regular for anything else?

[v-mission]

[he started avoiding sex and finding excuses, stress, tired, headache etc.

which showed very low levels of testosterone.

 

There are some supplements that your husband can use, I know older men who suffer from low testosterone levels and they have been taking supplements like DHEA that increase their testosterone to preserve their sexual life and maintain it.

 

I'm not a doctor, actually I'm an engineer but ur solution can be in a supplement you can buy from Amazon. Do some research, some herbal extract anti-anxiety/anti-stress supplements and others could help make him stress free while increasing his libido. Good luck and hope this helps you somehow.

[central]

Make the appointment for him, take him to it, and sit in. If necessary, tell the doctor what's going on. No doubt something will be prescribed. If your husband won't use it, and won't do anything else that will fix this, divorce him.

[spanz1]

YOU should do some research.

 

for one thing, there is a theory that testosterone treatments are corellated to heart disease. apparently the blood thickens, and causes the problems.

 

And there are natural things you can do to improve your testosterone. Like lifting weights in the gym. avoiding soy based foods. etc.

 

" zinc is shown to increase testosterone levels, especially in males that are deficient in the mineral. Vitamin B6 and magnesium also to aid in zinc absorption and the converting of free cholesterol to testosterone, "

Edited September 12, 2016 by spanz1

[Mr. Lucky]

Here is what I would do - and I am sorry it has come to this - You make an appointment for you both (or just him) at the doctors on day you both have off. Tell him you want him to go with YOU to your own doctors appointment - or even ask him to come with you to run some errands. When you show up together - say "surprise -we are both seeing a doctor". Ya - I know dirty dishonest sneaky - too bad - he can be mad at you for tricking him - but too bad. Go to the pharmacy together as well after wards to pick up the testosterone gel.

 

I like it. And if he refuses to participate or use the gel, I'd escalate to the next step. Wait until he goes to bed, bring any tools, toys or oils you might need, lie beside him and proceed to bring yourself to the loudest, bed shaking, AVN award winning porn-star orgasm you're capable of. Think of the deli scene in "When Harry Met Sally". Upon completion, say nothing, roll over and turn off the light.

 

A few nights of this might shake something loose inside him ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dichotomy]

YOU should do some research.

 

for one thing, there is a theory that testosterone treatments are corellated to heart disease. apparently the blood thickens, and causes the problems.

"

 

 

Its a theory...that has been debated. Other research and theories show you have more chance of heart attack and premature death without adequate T levels. Doctors just dont know - I have talked to them as I take TRT.

 

However there is something to say about good nutrition and exercise that may help with hormones but it may not. It really depends on how low OP's husband is sitting. Also I am hoping he had a full exam.

[koukou]

Thank you for your advice! I spoke to him again yesterday and told him how hurt I feel. I cried..I told him that I feel like we have a fake marriage and he was very hurt by these words. He said he just feels so embarrased and inadequate and he wanted it so badly to go away, he was worried that it's an age thing and that he felt lost.. He then called the doctor and sent all his tests and history for him to have a look. he will call us tomorrow - we live in a third world country with no doctors around so we can only call doctors in our country for phone advice or prescription until we go back in a month, but it's a start at least- so i am waiting to see what he says. I will keep you posted..

[BluesPower]

That really sounds great.

 

You need to reassure him that this really happens so much it is nothing to be embarrassed about. So many men have issues with this and other things it is just part of life.

 

Just keep letting him know that you are there for him and reassure him and this really may be better. When it does, be sure to initiate as often as possible and try not to say no when he asks. These type of issues can really mess with a mans mind.

[BettyDraper]

Thank you for your advice! I spoke to him again yesterday and told him how hurt I feel. I cried..I told him that I feel like we have a fake marriage and he was very hurt by these words. He said he just feels so embarrased and inadequate and he wanted it so badly to go away, he was worried that it's an age thing and that he felt lost.. He then called the doctor and sent all his tests and history for him to have a look. he will call us tomorrow - we live in a third world country with no doctors around so we can only call doctors in our country for phone advice or prescription until we go back in a month, but it's a start at least- so i am waiting to see what he says. I will keep you posted..

 

I'm glad that your husband is taking responsibility for his health issue.

I assumed that feeling ashamed was the reason he was not seeking treatment.

[BaileyB]

That's great news. I hope it works out for you both!