Dating a separated man... Needy or into me?

[Sunfl0werGirl]

OK, so in the year and a half since my divorce, I've had a rule that I dont date men who are only separated. Too much messy comes with them. But this one slid under my radar. (MY fault, he didnt lie or conceal or anything.)

 

Two 40somethings starting over, we talked for a week or two via PMs, texts and phone calls. Then first date was last weekend. So was the second. Then the third. lol

It was a lot of fun.

(And no, no sex til I can peg him a little better!)

 

This is literally the 6th time his wife has filed for divorce in 10 years, but this time, he also filed to make sure it went through. She already had an apartment from the last 2 times she moved out. she would always come back and theyd try to rebuild. (Or so the story goes.)

They legally separated back in March. He waited a couple months, decided he'd been expecting the end of his marriage for enough years it wasnt as disastrous as it is for most, and started dating regularly in May. We compared stories. lol

 

He pulled his online profile this week because he wants to see where it goes with me. He claims he's OK with the fact that I wont yet.

Here's the part that really bothers me though. Our calls this week have been more focused on how much he likes me, how much he's thinking about me, etc, rather than on getting-to-know-you stuff.

Maybe this is how dating typically goes? I never dated much before my 20yr marriage. But shouldnt we be more concerned with the nuts and bolts of who we each are, rather than the hearts and roses of the chemistry??

 

Is this how some guys operate?

Or is he maybe not as ready to start over as he thinks?

Edited September 11, 2016 by Sunfl0werGirl

[CarrieT]

He isn't ready.

 

He is still attached to another woman.

 

Guard yourself....

 

 

(I dated a "separated" man for 18 months and was in the process of moving in with him when he went to court for the final mediation on his divorce. Guess what? They reconciled and decided to give their marriage "one more try.")

 

A "separated man" is STILL a married man!

[katiegrl]

He isn't ready.

 

He is still attached to another woman.

 

Guard yourself....

 

 

(I dated a "separated" man for 18 months and was in the process of moving in with him when he went to court for the final mediation on his divorce. Guess what? They reconciled and decided to give their marriage "one more try.")

 

A "separated man" is STILL a married man!

 

I just started dating a recently separated man too and we are having a blast.

 

Nothing serious, both keeping our options open, in fact I even have my eyes set on another guy I like too!

 

My attitude is, have fun, keep options open ... and let him work through his shyt if he has any.

 

I have no expectations just having fun.

 

That is where MY head is at too so it works.

 

If I were looking for a *serious relationship* right now I would probably feel differently.

[Marc878]

Sounds like a rebound for him. Play it slowly.

[BaileyB]

Too fast. It's a big red flag that he's not done with his marriage and looking to attach quickly to someone else...

 

I dated a separated man once - he had been separated for two years, swore to me the marriage was over long before the actual separation, and the divorce proceeding were just being finalized when we met. We dated for three months until he told me he wasn't ready and needed some time.

 

This man needs some time... What a disaster of a marriage. It may have been on the rocks for years, but he's got some baggage to sort through before he is really ready for another relationship.

 

Sorry.

[katiegrl]

To add, people get back with their ex's all the time, married or not.

 

It's ALL a risk.

[Arieswoman]

Take care OP.

 

I dated a "separated" man for 8 months and he was talking about moving in together.

 

Then I found out he was still sleeping with his estranged wife and also a married woman from work

 

Next !

 

"Separated" people are bad news.....

[angel.eyes]

Be careful!

 

First, there are a lot of cheating husbands out there who, unbeknownst to their wives, like to claim they're separated.

 

Second, separation then reconciliation is a well-worn path for these two. Either you get hurt or it turns into an affair when they reconcile yet again.

 

Third, even if he does actually go through with the separation and divorce this time (a years-long process), chances are you are the initial soft-landing, rebound relationship. It's highly unlikely that a relationship with him at this stage would survive the emotional turbulence that follows as he processes the end of his marriage, spreads his wings and plays the field to figure out what it is he actually wants, etc.

 

Sure dating is difficult, but there are way more promising options out there than this guy who might be separating, or not.

[Sunfl0werGirl]

From filing to finalization, MY divorce was 3 months. A 20 year marriage. I know a lot of people who didnt have a drawn out divorce.

 

And to be fair, there are a lot of people who've been divorced for years, who really arent ready to date! And I've known those who've been divorced for a few months and never looked back...

Time itself doesn't seem to have a lot to do with it, near as I can tell.

But the fact that he's clingy concerns me.

 

And if he's still married, married, he has a pretty elaborate screen set up. both he and his wife's social media are all "single" or some iteration. Getting back together for quickies, possibly, but they're on the same page about the split for now anyway.

nor is he being even slightly secretive about me. I think his story is probabaly exactly what he says. And I think he genuinely thinks he's ready to start over. It remains to be seen, though, if thats actually the case. Til then, Im going really slow.

Edited September 11, 2016 by Sunfl0werGirl

[BaileyB]

No, I agree that it may not be as much about the time but the work that you do to deal with the feelings during the time. It's just likely that with more time, someone has dealt with the issues they need to address.

 

It's like grief. Some people suffer as much with their grief 10 years after the passing of a loved one as they did the week after the death. Others, will feel their feelings and work through their grief in a much shorter period of time.

 

Either way, since the most recent separation, it has been a very short period of time for this guy to deal with the issues from his marriage (given he may feel that he has been dealing with it for many years). And, I do think a good point has been made that they have a well worn path of separating and reconciling (although, you say this time is different).

 

Just be cautious. You are right to go slow. All will be revealed in time...

 

And yes, to your original question - I think we should all be cautious with men who move too quickly... It's possible that it may be fine. But, it's more likely that he is trying to jump from one relationship to another without dealing with things - and that is a definite risk. My dad did that after my mother's death. It has actually worked out for him (despite years of pain and hard feelings), but it was not a healthy thing to do. better to stand on your own and enter a new relationship from a happy, healthy place...

Edited September 11, 2016 by BaileyB

[spiderowl]

Difficult situation. They've almost divorced several times - there is a pattern of reconciliation here. I think you are wise to be cautious. Even though he has filed for divorce himself this time, he waited to see if his marriage was really over before doing so. This suggests to me he didn't want it to be. Someone who wants to get out a relationship would be quite clear about that and would not be waiting to find out if it was over.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by being cautious.

 

In my experience, guys who talk about how much they like you and how they think about you are fantasising. They are not really getting to know you, as you very cleverly realised. It can be very persuasive because you feel they are really keen, but deep down you know it is superficial stuff.

 

My guess is this guy is all over the place - he fancies playing around and meeting someone nice, but his heart is still very mixed up. If you are attracted to him and don't mind a brief fling, then go for it. However, if you are looking for something long term, then maybe take a step back and wait to see how things pan out. See if he goes ahead with the divorce proceedings. See how much contact he maintains with his wife. See if he tries to get involved with your life (as opposed to just your body).

[leogirl876]

I'm sure other people are different, but my rule is, if he's separated, he's still married and I don't wanna get involved.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

Here's the part that really bothers me though. Our calls this week have been more focused on how much he likes me, how much he's thinking about me, etc, rather than on getting-to-know-you stuff.

Maybe this is how dating typically goes? I never dated much before my 20yr marriage. But shouldnt we be more concerned with the nuts and bolts of who we each are, rather than the hearts and roses of the chemistry??

 

Is this how some guys operate?

Or is he maybe not as ready to start over as he thinks?

 

Yes after 4 dates of course he is going to be focusing more on the physical attraction than "getting to know stuff" he enjoys your company and the attraction is growing so naturally the focus will me more sexual. It is perfectly natural, and both genders function like this. Aren't you starting to wonder what he is like sexually?

 

As per your gut instinct about separated guys, I'd listen to that and not take it for granted. He sounds like his past is not a clean break, there have been too many times already where they keep going back to "work at it again" plus 10 years and still not divorced? C'mon!

 

And you said three dates all in the timespan of one weekend? that to me wreaks of love bombing. He is coming on very strong trying to get close to you fast and perhaps once you do become intimate he will pull away. And I don't think he is doing it intentially to "use you or something" he just sounds like someone who is kind of emotionally confused.

 

Like everyone else said, be careful. Separated people are bad news.

[Blanco]

My last girlfriend has been with a guy for about a year and a half. He was in the final months of finalizing his divorce when they first started dating. On paper, they had a lot going against them:

 

- I had moved out less than a couple of months prior, ending our three-year relationship. Some people would've thought she wasn't ready for something serious so quickly.

 

- He was not yet divorced, though it was for sure happening. But he and his STBX had been together for 20 years; basically their entire adult lives. Some people would've thought he wasn't ready for something serious so quickly.

 

- There was a decent age gap. She and I were in our early thirties and he was in his mid-40s.

 

- Major social class disparity. She has a white-collar job, but the pretty typical low-level office job a lot of us millennials have. He, on the other hand, is a high-ranking official at a major company; well into the six-figure income with the lifestyle to match. Pretty sure he comes from money, too, which she was from a modest blue-collar upbringing.

 

- They both have kids, which actually probably gave them some real common ground, but they still can prove logistically challenging to budding relationships.

 

- Superficially, they're in different leagues. She could entice pretty much any guy she wanted to, while he's more of your standard unremarkable looking nerd type who appears afraid to talk to women (and indeed, she is the one who made the move on him).

 

BUT, despite all of these things, I believe they are still together. I cut myself out of the loop long ago, but it's one of those things where if they weren't together, I'm positive someone would've mentioned it to me.

 

His divorce was finalized over a year ago and while I have no idea where they're at in terms of taking things to the next level, they have lasted far longer as a couple than most people would have expected. I suspect that even if it were to go south at this point, both would be grateful for the relationship: him, for being reminded that he can still get a woman, and her, for getting to enjoy some of the lifestyle perks that come with dating a man of incredible financial means.

 

So, OP, I suggest to not necessarily write things off. Don't anticipate that this will be your next great love, either, because the odds don't favor these sorts of relationships. If you trust yourself to take things at a reasonable pace, and understand the foundation of this relationship may not be tremendously strong because of his situation, it could be an experience both of you enjoy.

[Ami1uwant]

From filing to finalization, MY divorce was 3 months. A 20 year marriage. I know a lot of people who didnt have a drawn out divorce.

 

And to be fair, there are a lot of people who've been divorced for years, who really arent ready to date! And I've known those who've been divorced for a few months and never looked back...

Time itself doesn't seem to have a lot to do with it, near as I can tell.

But the fact that he's clingy concerns me.

 

And if he's still married, married, he has a pretty elaborate screen set up. both he and his wife's social media are all "single" or some iteration. Getting back together for quickies, possibly, but they're on the same page about the split for now anyway.

nor is he being even slightly secretive about me. I think his story is probabaly exactly what he says. And I think he genuinely thinks he's ready to start over. It remains to be seen, though, if thats actually the case. Til then, Im going really slow.

 

Be careful of a separated person. They can say they are when not. If he doesn't bring you to his place it's because his wife is in it.

 

Can he date...sure...it depends on what was happening in the marriage. If the last 3 yrs they have drifted apart in the marriage then it's easier to date while separated.

[Blanco]

More specific to what you're asking, I do think that some people, especially men, feel shell-shocked coming out of a LTR or marriage where having a partner has become second nature for them. In that capacity, there is a tendency to get a little overly anxious with a new potential partner.

 

Calling back to my above post, this guy was telling my ex about taking her on trips during their first date. So yeah, it's easy to get the sense that the guy really just wants to bring back the familiarity of being partnered up.

 

But that's where your hopefully strong boundaries and keen eye will serve you well. Some guys are just a bit wear-their-emotions-on-their-sleeves with romance, even if that doesn't fit the stereotype. I do think that if you're objective, you'll be able to figure out sooner than later if he's more into the idea of you than the actual you.

[Blanco]

It's highly unlikely that a relationship with him at this stage would survive the emotional turbulence that follows as he processes the end of his marriage, spreads his wings and plays the field to figure out what it is he actually wants, etc.

 

Sure dating is difficult, but there are way more promising options out there than this guy who might be separating, or not.

 

I don't know if I agree with this. This fits the bill for a lot of guys, and I do think it's best long-term for there to be a period of singleness followed by dating multiple people and not just putting down roots with the first pretty face that shows you some attention.

 

I think the age is also a big factor. This guy is in his forties, so he's accustomed to being married. Sure, some of these guys want to go on a banging spree, but there are plenty of guys who just want the comforts of an exclusive relationship. They'd rather have the reassurance that one person wants to be exclusively with them rather than knowing there are many women who want to be with him for one night.

[Redhead14]

OK, so in the year and a half since my divorce, I've had a rule that I dont date men who are only separated. Too much messy comes with them. But this one slid under my radar. (MY fault, he didnt lie or conceal or anything.)

 

Two 40somethings starting over, we talked for a week or two via PMs, texts and phone calls. Then first date was last weekend. So was the second. Then the third. lol

It was a lot of fun.

(And no, no sex til I can peg him a little better!)

 

This is literally the 6th time his wife has filed for divorce in 10 years, but this time, he also filed to make sure it went through. She already had an apartment from the last 2 times she moved out. she would always come back and theyd try to rebuild. (Or so the story goes.)

They legally separated back in March. He waited a couple months, decided he'd been expecting the end of his marriage for enough years it wasnt as disastrous as it is for most, and started dating regularly in May. We compared stories. lol

 

He pulled his online profile this week because he wants to see where it goes with me. He claims he's OK with the fact that I wont yet.

Here's the part that really bothers me though. Our calls this week have been more focused on how much he likes me, how much he's thinking about me, etc, rather than on getting-to-know-you stuff.

Maybe this is how dating typically goes? I never dated much before my 20yr marriage. But shouldnt we be more concerned with the nuts and bolts of who we each are, rather than the hearts and roses of the chemistry??

 

Is this how some guys operate?

Or is he maybe not as ready to start over as he thinks?

 

Sure, a little hearts and roses should be part of the "experience" early on. Not on first or second date, even third date. And, yeah, sometimes you get a little consumed by the newness of a dating partner but it should certainly be balanced, at least, by the "getting to know each other". If he seems over the top, I'd say take it with a grain of salt, for now and continue to sit back and observe.

 

Usually when a guy comes on hard and fast, they are being run by endorphins and, well, lust And, generally, when they do come on hard and fast and after the intimacy is added to the scenario, they often burn out as quickly as they came on.

 

You have some control over this too in terms of the pace of the development of things. Don't be available all the time. I'm not saying play games. Just keep yourself busy so that you actually aren't available all the time. If he starts to fade, so be it. It just shows that he wasn't quite where he should be in terms of looking for another long term partner.

 

Have you ever had a casual conversation with him about what each of your dating goals are in general. I mean, have you said what your dating goals are and he's told you what he's looking for? If he's just wanting to date casually and not looking for long term commitment and you do, you simply aren't on the same page already.

 

Just get clarity. It wouldn't be about saying that it would be with each other right now, just that that's a common goal. And, even if he says he looking for long term, continue to observe how he dates you. Sometimes guys will say they are looking for long term because they know that's what most women want to get their foot in the door, so to speak

 

If he's serious, he will keep in consistent communication, schedule proper dates and regularly, etc. At the point you are now, one date a week would be more appropriate and gradually build to more time spent. If he's pushing for more often than that, you can push it out some by suggesting an alternate date a few days out, if necessary to space it better.

 

And, if/when you eventually have sex with him, you should assume it will be a one-night stand (even if it's a month from now), unless or until he demonstrates otherwise. Some men are very patient.

 

For now, just sit back and observe. Let him come to you and listen to your gut.

[Versacehottie]

Hmmmm, this is a tough one. I would generally say no--if you want a serious relationship don't invest your time in someone who is not technically available yet. He can always try with you when he really is. I also think OP you may be putting emphasis on the fact that it was the wife who filed for divorce 6 times (as if she is crazy, emotional or wishy-washy). I'll just point out that he took her back 6 times!! So whatever they have is a factor of both of them and he's played a part--and may still do. To me, it sounds a little riskier than a separated couple who've never tried to get back together or tried ONCE. Either way it's a real risk for you.

 

That said, I know there are two ladies I work with who ended up married to the separated guys they had started dating. There was one commonality that I think you should do that they BOTH did. Generally I kinda don't think women should make demands at the beginning of the relationship that pertain to the relationship status. Better to let the guy pin you down and define the relationship. In the case of these married but separated guys, both women insisted that the guys file for divorce, see through the details and put their own relationship with the guy on hold until all of that was really progressing with proof. Dating you should be conditional unless the divorce is proceeding. The first woman was far enough into dating her guy that a conversation like this would seem normal enough. The second woman hadn't even been on a first date with the guy yet. They were getting to be friends and she was pretty stunned when he told her he had feelings for her and wanted to date her--she kinda laughed and told him not until he sorted out his marriage/divorce--which he did immediately (after wavering for a number of years back and forth). Anyway, I just went to their wedding this summer. Both guys are really nice, good guys. Wonder if it's a factor of being too nice and not decisive enough that kept both of these guys in limbo with their now ex-wives. Both guys do remind me of each other personality-wise.

 

Anyway, good luck. BTW, if i were in your shoes I wouldn't continue with this guy unless you are fairly sure that the potential for something amazing or more is there.

[Sunfl0werGirl]

Have you ever had a casual conversation with him about what each of your dating goals are in general. I mean, have you said what your dating goals are and he's told you what he's looking for? If he's just wanting to date casually and not looking for long term commitment and you do, you simply aren't on the same page already.

 

He's ready to call me his girlfriend!

I mean, Im looking for something long term, but I think he's ahead of me anyway. He's done "casual" all summer. Then he met me. He's not interested in casual anymore he says.

[piano1962]

If I were you, I would wait until everything settles down. Since he has been on and off with the divorce, it might be wise for you not to get too involved emotionally so you will not get hurt. If it's possible, keep the friendship and try to know each other more as friends and set your boundaries. Don't get physical. A physical relationship can impair one's rational judgment. If a man really is into you, he will be willing to respect your decisions. Hope it makes sense!