The girl I'm about to marry

[v-mission]

Hi everyone and to anyone that will contribute or at least read my post, thank you in advance.

 

I am new to the forum and actually this is my first post but is a very crucial topic because it involves the person that I could possibly marry.

 

Background:

 

About her?

• She's a pathological liar but stopped recently, or at least now, she's manipulative to a certain extent (no judgement here, we all are to certain degrees), generally she stops lying when she feels she is going to loose me

 

• She lied to me at the beginning about her name, family, etc.. and those lies continued for a year or so

 

• She is 25 years old and European (also no judgement, just stating facts)

 

 

About me?

 

• I'm an Arab, and I'm 28 years old

 

• I'm open minded to a fair extent, well educated and I have been travelling everywhere since I was young

 

• I cheated on her but told her at the end, actually it was a trap because she gave me permission (that was after a year actually)

 

About the relationship?

 

• We are both of the same religion, so no problem with that

 

• We are both on the same educational level

 

• It's a long distance relationship, but we somehow managed to cope and also met more than a couple of times in between (duration 1.5 years)

 

The Problem:

 

Mainly my problem is with her family, everything about them is creepy. They work in dark businesses (things I won't like to mention), don't know a lot about them and their relationship with my girlfriend is weird.

 

For example - her uncle calls her after midnight to ask her about what color of swimsuite he should wear

 

This is one small example, but their relationship is not right! Is she too weak to let him ride her like that? Is she manipulating him somehow because she always manages to frustrate him, get him angry and let him block her? Is he her uncle even? Her dad also blocks her for that "behaviour".

 

She is not so easy to reason with most of the time. My main problem with her is that I don't trust her because she lied many times in the past.

 

Another example - she always of course have people stalking her, and one time she asked me to dodge off one of them so I asked her for his number. Then I asked her what the hell did he do to you? She sent me a screenshot of their conversation with him telling her that he can't sleep without talking to her first and stupid things like that.

 

I got annoyed, why the heck would he do that out of the blue?! So I decided to do something different and called him up and explained gently the situation to him that she is my fiancee and we are getting married and what's his deal?

 

So he told me that she was the one stalking him on facebook & what'sapp and asked him to marry her. I asked him kindly for validation and he was nice enough to send me also the whats'app chat they had on which she had omitted part of it intentionally to make me think that he was the one stalking her when it was the opposite!

 

Sorry for the previously long example, but it illustrates and puts you on the same page as me.

 

She loves me so much, I love her too, but my logical mind is always giving me warning signals when it comes to commitment.

 

What do you think I should so? Can someone like this change for love? She already did (kind of) but like I said, it's hard for me to trust her.

 

Thank you all!

[MrMeh]

If you can't trust her, then don't marry her..

[v-mission]

If you can't trust her, then don't marry her..

Thank you for your prompt reply,

 

Sometimes we know the right thing and we see it right in front us, but we need an opinion on top of ours to give us encouragement.

[PrettyEmily77]

I got pathological liar, cheating and stopped at meeting more than a couple of times in 1.5 years.

 

That does not scream happy ending to me.

[angel.eyes]

It sounds as if she's treating you just like all the other men in her life that you think are such weirdos. I wonder which relative she claims you are and what story she's giving them about you, backed up of course by edited portions of your messages with her?

[v-mission]

I got pathological liar, cheating and stopped at meeting more than a couple of times in 1.5 years.

 

That does not scream happy ending to me.

Thank you for sharing experience and giving me ur opinion.

 

Manipulative people or pathological liars force us to bind together in opinion, more like forming a coalition as means for self-defence.

 

Definitely not a happy ending, but my main problem is that I was taking this relationship seriously.

[angel.eyes]

Definitely not a happy ending, but my main problem is that I was taking this relationship seriously.

Out of curiosity, was that before or after you cheated on her?

 

Anyway, I can't imagine this ending positively for either of you.

[v-mission]

It sounds as if she's treating you just like all the other men in her life that you think are such weirdos. I wonder which relative she claims you are and what story she's giving them about you, backed up of course by edited portions of your messages with her?

If I was not confused I wouldn't have asked for expert opinions of expert people like your selves.

 

Very perceptive and shockingly keen insight. I really thank you because this is an important decision in my life, I am comfortable because I took this step to take opinions.

 

And by the way, people close to me, my family in particular are not comfortable with this relationship also.

[Gloria25]

I've lost count of the red flags here...

 

I would have cut bait long time ago.

 

Why do people think that upon seeing red flags, that pushing head forward into marriage and/or kids is gonna make the red flags go away?

 

And ok, you got some things in common, but don't all the red flags kinda make that null?

[v-mission]

I've lost count of the red flags here...

 

I would have cut bait long time ago.

 

Why do people think that upon seeing red flags, that pushing head forward into marriage and/or kids is gonna make the red flags go away?

 

And ok, you got some things in common, but don't all the red flags kinda make that null?

I started to feel that all of those intelligent responses made me certain now that I was going on a wrong path. Those replies indicate very intelligent people, especially in relationships and life, which are the most complex.

 

Sometimes personal matters gets mixed up with emotions so they cloud our judgement and perception. Also, sometimes getting used to something even when it is harmful to us is hard to eliminate or quit.

 

But the seriousness of this topic is that this could have been with me my whole life, so thank you all for your respectable opinions. I thank you and thank God for bringing me good people to give me such great feedback.

 

Honestly, I was hesitant to share my problem but now I know it was a wise decision.

[v-mission]

Out of curiosity, was that before or after you cheated on her?

 

Anyway, I can't imagine this ending positively for either of you.

This story was before I cheated on her. And I totally agree with you, I cannot imagine this ending well for either of us.

 

She's a natural and doesn't need any motive in case you're wondering.

[Springsummer]

I've lost count of the red flags here...

 

I would have cut bait long time ago.

 

Why do people think that upon seeing red flags, that pushing head forward into marriage and/or kids is gonna make the red flags go away?

 

And ok, you got some things in common, but don't all the red flags kinda make that null?

 

because some people have no other choices or no better choices?

[v-mission]

I want to ask if anyone here has suggestions as to how to break up that kind of relationship. Given that it is almost 2 years in duration and she has high hopes for marriage. She would require a reason for me leaving her.

 

Should I just send her an email to explain, or call her to hear her cry or what exactly?

All your valuable opinions are welcome!

[mrs rubble]

I want to ask if anyone here has suggestions as to how to break up that kind of relationship. Given that it is almost 2 years in duration and she has high hopes for marriage. She would require a reason for me leaving her.

 

Should I just send her an email to explain, or call her to hear her cry or what exactly?

All your valuable opinions are welcome!

How do you normally communicate? Via skype, messenger, email or phone? I'd break up the same way if I were you and tell her the truth, that you don't feel that you can trust her because of her consistant lies over the last 2 years.....I mean who lies about their name for a whole year??

I met a scam artist on an online dating site about 10years ago, for some reason he told me his real name, but he lied about his age and I managed to get the truth out of him (about his age) after about 20mins in his presence....he lied to me about his job, his family, even the car he was driving. I tracked the number plate on his car and it belonged to someone else, but it wasn't stolen (told the police I was suspicious of him), then I started telling him how my uncle was a pretty highly ranked detective and my dad's mate is a district court judge- he vanished after hearing this. I got a phonecall from the police a few months later, he had my number in his phone and the police were questioning all women in his phonebook as he'd stolen over $300k. So beware of liars.

[v-mission]

How do you normally communicate? Via skype, messenger, email or phone? I'd break up the same way if I were you and tell her the truth, that you don't feel that you can trust her because of her consistant lies over the last 2 years.....I mean who lies about their name for a whole year??

I met a scam artist on an online dating site about 10years ago, for some reason he told me his real name, but he lied about his age and I managed to get the truth out of him (about his age) after about 20mins in his presence....he lied to me about his job, his family, even the car he was driving. I tracked the number plate on his car and it belonged to someone else, but it wasn't stolen (told the police I was suspicious of him), then I started telling him how my uncle was a pretty highly ranked detective and my dad's mate is a district court judge- he vanished after hearing this. I got a phonecall from the police a few months later, he had my number in his phone and the police were questioning all women in his phonebook as he'd stolen over $300k. So beware of liars.

We normally communicate via phone, we do chat sometimes, and for some reason she stopped using skype and closed down her FB account. She lied for 1 year about many things, 2 weeks about her name. I also felt like I was working like a detective and I uncovered many things about her, including her true nationality.

 

She is a social hacker by trade unfortunately and to be honest I was intrigued by such people and wanted to study them further. Kind of an experiment for me at the beginning but at the same time I had an emotional cavity and I was longing intimacy. This was my weak point and it was a game on from the beginning, from day one always competing on everything.

 

She is a professional liar, for example, telling half or quarter truths so you can't come later and pin her down.

 

U met a scam artist online?! OMG, but it's good u had him figured quickly and knew how to scare him off. I did learn a lesson to be more careful with people, and know now that some people can put your life in real danger.

 

Thanks for sharing ur story, it is an experience which you learn from. I shared my experience because I know I'm not alone meeting those kinds of people and it feels good knowing people can relate to me.

[bubbaganoosh]

If you re read your post and pretend it's from another person, would you advise them to stay or cut and run.

 

Your in a relationship with a woman who makes a habit of lying and being deceitful so why in the hell do you want to be with someone like that not to mention her crazy family.

 

All your doing is setting yourself up for more heartaches and problems then it's worth. Is that what you want for yourself.

 

Move on and cut her loose before it's too late.

[BlueIris]

That she lies is bad enough to stop. But also, never marry into a "bad" family or a family that you do not feel comfortable with, that you don't easily fit into.

[v-mission]

You're absolutely right bubbaganoosh and BlueIris!

 

Deceit + crazy family is a recipe for disaster and I have already broke up with her yesterday upon encouragement from wise people in this forum.

 

I told her that I will not marry her, will not have any future with her whatsoever and for her not to contact me ever again. The reason being that I cannot be with a person who I don't trust for lying to me consistently for the past 2 years.

 

I am travelling abroad to study very soon, and she knows where and when. Today when I woke up, I found her sending me screenshots on what'sapp showing me that she got the visa to the country that I will study in. I do not know what to do now, she is haunting me like this and will find me there because she knows the university I will be studying at.

 

Yesterday, I made it very clear that I don't want her at all and stopped replying to her messages. Now, how should I deal with this situation? I am going there to study and spent all my savings into this and I'm not ready to import a problem, especially in this timing when I am building my career and future.

[BettyDraper]

You're absolutely right bubbaganoosh and BlueIris!

 

Deceit + crazy family is a recipe for disaster and I have already broke up with her yesterday upon encouragement from wise people in this forum.

 

I told her that I will not marry her, will not have any future with her whatsoever and for her not to contact me ever again. The reason being that I cannot be with a person who I don't trust for lying to me consistently for the past 2 years.

 

I am travelling abroad to study very soon, and she knows where and when. Today when I woke up, I found her sending me screenshots on what'sapp showing me that she got the visa to the country that I will study in. I do not know what to do now, she is haunting me like this and will find me there because she knows the university I will be studying at.

 

Yesterday, I made it very clear that I don't want her at all and stopped replying to her messages. Now, how should I deal with this situation? I am going there to study and spent all my savings into this and I'm not ready to import a problem, especially in this timing when I am building my career and future.

 

She's using those screenshots to manipulate you.

Block her from your phone and move on with your life.

I commend you for calling off the wedding. That takes strength.

[CarrieT]

I do not know what to do now, she is haunting me like this and will find me there because she knows the university I will be studying at.

Let's assume it is a big university and a big country.

 

She won't know your schedule or your classes or where you are going to live, right?

 

Even if she does come, it will take a lot of stalking on her part to figure out where you will be and when. Don't post those sorts of things on FB or other social media.

 

She may have a visa, but - as others are saying - it is pure manipulation. Block 100% and you won't be able to receive her manipulative entreaties.

[v-mission]

She's using those screenshots to manipulate you.

Block her from your phone and move on with your life.

I commend you for calling off the wedding. That takes strength.

 

I have already blocked her from my phone today, ofcourse she always manages to call me from unknown numbers which I cannot block but will not answer any of them certainly.

 

I am gaining my strength from ur valuable advices!

[v-mission]

Let's assume it is a big university and a big country.

 

She won't know your schedule or your classes or where you are going to live, right?

 

Even if she does come, it will take a lot of stalking on her part to figure out where you will be and when. Don't post those sorts of things on FB or other social media.

 

She may have a visa, but - as others are saying - it is pure manipulation. Block 100% and you won't be able to receive her manipulative entreaties.

 

Because I was thinking of her seriously for marriage, I told her most of the details. And she is also very careful to know everything about me because many times I break off with her because of her lying and she expects that I will leave her because I warned her about her lying to me many times.

 

But she is a type of person that is very determined, dangerous and could cause me a problem just to get what she wants - not revenge, just me.

 

I am talking to you honestly, and this is a big step for my future and career and I don't want anyone causing me any problems because I will be a stranger in a strange country.

 

I will not put out any information on social media, I will be smart and vigilant (geotagging off and stuff like that). I just want to say that she doesn't give up easily.

 

Throughout the past 2 years, I became sure that I could not marry that person but also that it is nearly impossible to get rid of her.

 

I am really in a problem!

[BlueIris]

You made a good choice, in my opinion.

 

Lots of people try to salvage the relationship, get a second chance, promise changes and so on. It's not necessarily bad. Plus, you were engaged! That's very serious so it's understandable. From her perspective this could be devastating and abrupt. But even if she were to change, don't marry into a shady or seriously dysfunctional family for the rest of your life. In future, take heed of someone's friends and family very early on.

[blackcat777]

You definitely made a decision that will bolster your well-being in the long run. I'm sorry if it hurts now, and when the other party doesn't quit (to crazy extremes) during a breakup, it makes it that much more difficult.

 

The very. best. thing. you can do is keep her blocked everywhere. Do not acknowledge anything - anything she comes up with at all to pull on your heartstrings. It's even better if you can't see her. Stay on the downlow for a while and just focus on your studies.

[v-mission]

You made a good choice, in my opinion.

 

Lots of people try to salvage the relationship, get a second chance, promise changes and so on. It's not necessarily bad. Plus, you were engaged! That's very serious so it's understandable. From her perspective this could be devastating and abrupt. But even if she were to change, don't marry into a shady or seriously dysfunctional family for the rest of your life. In future, take heed of someone's friends and family very early on.

 

This reply spots a light on the dark corners of relationships, and for a young serious adult and at the start of his life, those dark corners are upsetting to someone, who is straight (not twisted), who digs deep into something that awful! This is not superficiality from me but I really don't like knowing those aspects of human nature because those aspects are far from my thinking.

 

But what is arousing from all of your replies that your experience in life is much more heavier than mine and you made me confront those dark corners that I didn't even want to think about. I had question marks that those "red flags" will be on my path.

 

Your definitely right about the family part, and even if she changes and I get rid of the bad soldier then I am faced with a whole army of more dysfunctional, possibly more dangerous people who I know so little about.

 

I really escaped with my life from that person!