The girl I'm about to marry

[MJJean]

When I was young I married a chronic liar and cheater. It did not end well. You did the right thing ending the relationship. However, you have ended things before and taken her back. If she is as you describe, it is reasonable to assume she is going to spend some time harassing/stalking you. You never meant it when you said it was over before, so why should she think you mean it this time?

 

Have you ever heard the term extinction burst? Expect one. No matter how she behaves, DO NOT ENGAGE. If it becomes necessary, have an attorney send her cease and desist/no contact letter and/or contact the police.

[v-mission]

You definitely made a decision that will bolster your well-being in the long run. I'm sorry if it hurts now, and when the other party doesn't quit (to crazy extremes) during a breakup, it makes it that much more difficult.

 

The very. best. thing. you can do is keep her blocked everywhere. Do not acknowledge anything - anything she comes up with at all to pull on your heartstrings. It's even better if you can't see her. Stay on the downlow for a while and just focus on your studies.

 

Very precious advice, I really hope I had shared my problem earlier on then I could have saved myself the suffering of being confused for a long time.

[CarrieT]

Because I was thinking of her seriously for marriage, I told her most of the details.

Then start changing the details. You may have to be diligent in altering your plans enough that even her dogged determinedness doesn't provide any substantive results. She'll get the picture eventually.

[BettyDraper]

This reply spots a light on the dark corners of relationships, and for a young serious adult and at the start of his life, those dark corners are upsetting to someone, who is straight (not twisted), who digs deep into something that awful! This is not superficiality from me but I really don't like knowing those aspects of human nature because those aspects are far from my thinking.

 

But what is arousing from all of your replies that your experience in life is much more heavier than mine and you made me confront those dark corners that I didn't even want to think about. I had question marks that those "red flags" will be on my path.

 

Your definitely right about the family part, and even if she changes and I get rid of the bad soldier then I am faced with a whole army of more dysfunctional, possibly more dangerous people who I know so little about.

 

I really escaped with my life from that person!

 

Everyone's family is a little bit crazy. Don't expect your future partners to come from perfect clans where there are no dark secrets or weird members. However, extreme dysfunction is a red flag because that means your partner will have learned from that dynamic. My husband and I both have crazy mothers. We bonded over that and we have challenged each other to heal from our childhoods. Now we're both doing well.

 

Can you imagine bringing children into a situation where their grandparents and other relatives are completely bat*****? You don't need that.

[v-mission]

When I was young I married a chronic liar and cheater. It did not end well. You did the right thing ending the relationship. However, you have ended things before and taken her back. If she is as you describe, it is reasonable to assume she is going to spend some time harassing/stalking you. You never meant it when you said it was over before, so why should she think you mean it this time?

 

Have you ever heard the term extinction burst? Expect one. No matter how she behaves, DO NOT ENGAGE. If it becomes necessary, have an attorney send her cease and desist/no contact letter and/or contact the police.

 

This is very practical thinking, I salute you for that!

 

I didn't want it to reach that level, but maybe sometime in the future I could resort to some form of legal action (like a no-contact letter for example).

 

You are definitely right about me leaving her and coming back, have made me loose my credibility about really leaving her. However, my fear of an unpredictable and shady future with her made me make a stop with myself.

 

Things were serious for me in the right direction and things were also serious for her but in a darker path.

 

I never heard the term "extinction burst" before, but you are right that I should expect one because I have been reinforcing the opposite behavioural pattern. And it seems that this extinction burst will be much stronger and pronounced with manipulative people.

[v-mission]

Then start changing the details. You may have to be diligent in altering your plans enough that even her dogged determinedness doesn't provide any substantive results. She'll get the picture eventually.

 

Your words are like the high beam car headlight, that reveals the third dimension in things. I thank you!

[v-mission]

Everyone's family is a little bit crazy. Don't expect your future partners to come from perfect clans where there are no dark secrets or weird members. However, extreme dysfunction is a red flag because that means your partner will have learned from that dynamic. My husband and I both have crazy mothers. We bonded over that and we have challenged each other to heal from our childhoods. Now we're both doing well.

 

Can you imagine bringing children into a situation where their grandparents and other relatives are completely bat*****? You don't need that.

 

No one of us is perfect, near perfect or claims perfection. There are different levels of intelligence, craziness, weirdness, etc.. I do not mind engaging with someone who is a little crazy, or has psychological problems that we can overcome together as a team or not even!

 

However, on the other side, people who lie chronically cannot be trusted. She is lying consciously and completely aware of her lies, what purpose they serve, what picture they are designed to portray, etc..

 

I would blame myself severely in the future if my life foundation or family foundation is built on lies and deceit. And like you said, children born in such a family are doomed to inherit this dynamic.

 

Thank you for sharing your story.

[Gloria25]

because some people have no other choices or no better choices?

 

So, the solution is to be with someone who has red flags, causes you heartache/headaches and pain...cuz it's better than being alone?

 

Ok, right

 

I grew up hearing a saying in Spanish that it's 'Better to be alone than in bad company'...

 

All the sadness, anxiety, etc you get from being alone is only being replaced with anger, hurt, sadness, anxiety, financial and emotional loss (worst, if you have children with them - who are innocent yet you pull them in this mess) from getting with a bad person. In other words, you're just exchanging one hurt (loneliness) for another (being with a bad person).

[MJJean]

This is very practical thinking, I salute you for that!

 

I didn't want it to reach that level, but maybe sometime in the future I could resort to some form of legal action (like a no-contact letter for example).

 

You are definitely right about me leaving her and coming back, have made me loose my credibility about really leaving her. However, my fear of an unpredictable and shady future with her made me make a stop with myself.

 

Things were serious for me in the right direction and things were also serious for her but in a darker path.

 

I never heard the term "extinction burst" before, but you are right that I should expect one because I have been reinforcing the opposite behavioural pattern. And it seems that this extinction burst will be much stronger and pronounced with manipulative people.

 

You cannot control her. You can only control you. It is crucial that you do not allow her to incite you to strong emotion or reaction. If she gets a reaction, she will then have a foot in the door and be able to wriggle back into your life.

[v-mission]

You cannot control her. You can only control you. It is crucial that you do not allow her to incite you to strong emotion or reaction. If she gets a reaction, she will then have a foot in the door and be able to wriggle back into your life.

 

You know what, that is exactly her technique with me every time I leave her. Sometimes she guilt trips me by reminding me and quoting certain words and promises I said to her. Other times by threatening to harm herself, and she actually sent me a picture holding a sharp knife to her foot finger once. Like you're saying exactly, she is trying to incite that emotional reaction so she can get a foot into my life again. No way I'm gonna let that happen!

 

I foolishly fell for the trap many times out of pity because of how bad I thought she was suffering, how hurt she was, how hard she was crying. Your prior experience with the same type of person gave you a keen insight into how such people operate.

 

The breakup timing is actually really good for me because I will travel in less than a week to a different continent and will be immersed in my studies. I will control myself by seeing things objectively and without any emotional influence, completely detached. Nothing she says from now on will move anything inside me. I lost all respect for that person and will completely drop them out as if they never existed.

 

Thank you for illuminating important aspects of the process, you always point out the most practical of issues, no compliment there.

[v-mission]

I want to thank all of the kind people in this forum who rescued me from making a very big mistake, and helped me realize the magnitude and impact such a decision can have on me for the rest of my life.

 

I never expected that many people would reply to my first post. Also, most people here are very experienced with sharp insights and can easily see different angles of the situation. This is a beautiful community with very good people, and I think all of you sensed the seriousness of my situation and wanted to help me out. Some had similar experiences and were nice enough to share, and others could also relate. There were comments that were earth shattering, eye opening and had a strong impact on me. People here are highly perceptive and have really interesting stories in dealing with con artists. Some had a happy endings while others didn't.

 

I am able to see things a lot more objectively thanks to you all. Decisions made in consultation with others are the wisest and most well-thought, free or minimized of perception error. People here also warned me and shed light on how she's trying to manipulate me and if she manages to incite an emotional reaction then she would have found herself an entry into my life again.

 

I admit to feeling some pain now, 2 years leaves a trace but a bold decision like this bolsters one's well-being as someone here mentioned. I cannot thank everyone enough for your encouragement, support and rich advice you gave me. I could not have made it without you all and this is an experience I will never forget.

 

So many smart and extremely intelligent people out here! I will keep everyone here updated if anything new comes up and I'm open to hearing your opinions, insights and advices anytime.